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WWE
BREAKING POINT
2009
(09/13/09)
BY ANTHONY DEAN

Welcome all to the first-ever WWE Breaking Point Pay Per View! But what exactly is this the breaking point of? The amount of really similar gimmick matches they can put on one card? Your wallet? Thrown-together haberdashery booking? SURELY NOT ALL THREE. Shirley. We'll find out here tonight as the returning Undertaker battles for the World Heavyweight Championship despite not winning a match in almost half a year and an as-of-yet uncertain midcard title match takes place in what will surely be a battle for the ages. Or Superstars. Depends which secondary title defense it is. BUT FIRST we'll get to something you've seen time and time again these past few months – Chris Jericho and Big Show mowing down a thrown-together tag team. This time it's a Gorilla and a Panther, so I guess you could say it's a type of jungle connection. What. My sympathies are with JeriShow, not because they have any chance of losing the belts tonight, but because I imagine it's kind of hard to bring prestige back to a title when it seems the only other people who want it are just kind of “fuck it, I'm not busy right now.” It's kind of like Confederate bank robbers, where basically the town sheriff just said “k, enjoy your kindling, we'll just be over here with the food and supplies, thanks.” I'm in college now, I got to start making those kind of jokes. This is going to be the most high-brow resling joke column on the net, I'm telling you niggers.

Unified Tag Team Champions Big Show & Chris Jericho vs MVP & Mark Henry, title match

BECAUSE FOUR BELTS REPRESENTING ONE CHAMPIONSHIP IS STILL COMPLETELY NECESSARY. I say they ditch those shitbox WWE tag titles all together and just put a little superscript 2 over the World Tag belts. You know, to represent an exponent, like in math? High brow, motherfuckers. I guess MVP finally proved to Vince that tribal tattoos aren't Nigerian for more uppity monkey business and so has earned himself a sleeveless bodysuit tonight. Just keep leaving those radical pamphlets lying around Stamford, P, you'll be allowed to go shirtless one day. Jericho and P start things off after some Y2J stalling as I wonder how many people reading here would remember my old Smackdown Recaps. My guess? Probably not enough to make me feel too ashamed for recycling old jokes. CODEBREAKER VS JAILBREAKER! WALLS OF JERICHO VS WALLS OF PRISON! I'm going to stop alienating any semblance of a fanbase I ever may have had now. Just right now, though. Expect more of me ripping myself off in later paragraphs.

They go back and forth pretty well until P tags in THE BIG MAN, and Jericho, not wanting to go tits for tat against the self-proclaimed big stupid monkey (I SAID SELF-PROCLAIMED, it's okay if they say it) tags in, well, the other big man. Really gross shit from here on out as Big Show and Mark Henry battle in particularly tight, squeezing spandex. Big Show chant here from those wily Canadians as Show goes for a hymenoptera barb splash (high FUCKING brow) on Henry in the corner, only for Henry to catch him and put him up in the corner to hit a successful one of his own. Pretty Strong Slam is teased but Jericho cuts Henry's knee out like it was fat on a side of steak as Big Show proceeds to gobble it up. The other black meat (the first being cock.) Maybe if I keep referring to organisms by their scientific names, nobody will notice that line. Homo erectus takes down Troglodytes gorilla for two before tagging in Jericho who gets a Canadian pop. He does next to nothing before letting Show back in, and he and Henry take each other down with clotheslines. Like two-ton stainless steel microwave subways crashing b'gawd. It just looks like two fat guys running into each other because tv just doesn't do them justice. The skillet-bender and skillet-bot tag out to their respective human partners and it's all THE PANTHER from here, but Y2J twists out of a pin attempt and traps P up in the Walls, but you need bars to restrain MVP! Because of both the fact that he's a convicted felon and the panther thing. So I guess it takes bars^2! I should be getting paid for this. Anyway, P escapes and Show is in, deflecting the effects of the Drive-by by shielding himself with his skillet hands and spears the panther like you'd think he was Tony Atlas. Jericho gets the tag but the Lionsault is no match for aggravated assault and so Henry tags in and takes Jericho out. Show saves the titles and P attacks the interferer, but Show launches him back out, only to take a tumble at the paws of Henry. MARK then repeatedly fails to put Jericho away until Show hoists himself up on the apron to punch Henry with a secretly loaded fist (secret : it's loaded with skillet.) P is too late to break up the pin so that seals it.

Winner and STILL Champions : Chris Jericho & Big Show

TO THE BACK for Legacy and Josh Matthews tooling it up together and Josh informs them that DX have never lost via submission. Now they're just making streaks up. “And, AND, Triple H has not tapped out in this arena since it changed it's name back in '05.” Besides, it's not like there's20shitloads of submission victories anyway, I can't recall Legacy ever tapping out either. Legacy however inform us that this will NOT be a technical submission match, it will be a FIGHT. They slip in the term “breaking point” like they used to do with Unforgiven. They say they're the future and compare DX to the glowsticks they hand out at shows, saying, like them, Trips and Shawn will eventually fall apart and leak green fluid. BODYSNATCHER ANGLE.

Aaaaand the winner of the secondary title defense tonight iiiiis...The United States Championship. Goddamnit, I don't think I've seen John Morrison on Pay Per View since like The Royal Rumble. ANYWAY HERE'S MIZ THOUGH. He's out in his new short tights with like a banshee on the front or something. I LIKED his old look, okay. I thought it worked fine. How is making yet another young star on Raw perform in generic Create-a-Wrestler attire going to help any of them? Also I have no idea what the fuck Kofi's theme song even says when he comes out. It sounds like Sean Paul yelling that cartoon noise that plays when a character tip-toes. Yes, it does. Miz talks in French on a mic and the crowd boos despite that being a pretty nice thing to do, actually. “Listen to me as I mock your culture despite taking the time and effort to learn your language. Feel inferior as I make y ou more of a part of the show than Cena would flashing you his pinkies and yelling gibberish.”

United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs Miz, title match

It's Miz's really restricted, un-signature offense vs Kofi's high-flying moves for a while, and Kofi repeatedly comes out on top. Kofi is over as a motherfucker, which personally, if I lived in a cold fuckland such as Canada, I'd despise anyone who so much as looks like they might have worn a short sleeve shirt before, let alone the smiley blacker-than-a-sea urchin's-asshole guy from Jamaica. Highbrow people use good asshole metaphors. Cool spot sees Kofi return a toss into the ropes with a dropkick. Miz soon takes over with pretty brutal heel offense. Kofi makes a comeback soon and does the dick move of teasing a leap over the ropes, but Miz moves, so Kofi lands on the apron. Miz then just trips his ass and takes over again. He hits his signature corner clothesline in the ring before successfully executing a flying double axe handle to an audible gasp of surprise from the audience.

He continues the stomp down until Kofi droptoeholds him into the middle turnbuckle. SHADES OF A RAVEN! Geddit cause he's so black. They do a little kicking duel which Kofi of course wins and he tried to finish the series with the Trouble in Paradise kick but Miz countered with his finisher attempt, only for Kofi to fuck his shit up with this, this thing, for a nearfall. Miz comes back with a series of right toggle stick + R1 power moves from here until Kofi Boom Boom Booms his way into an opening, only for Miz to block it. They proceed to show that they're equal by countering and recountering eachother's pinning attempts before drinking from the same water fountain, until a spastic Russian Leg Sweep set Miz up for the Boom Cubed. Flying crossbody from Kofi sees Miz turn it into a nearfall before slamming him headfirst into the corner and trying to grab the tights on a pin. Miz looks to be nearing the end and sets Kofi up for something, only to be whipped into the ropes and drilled with the Trouble in Paradise for the win. Mon.

Winner and STILL US Champion : Kofi Kingston

Well that was a hell of a lot better than I thought it would be. I ke ep forgetting how much I actually like Miz matches, and Kofi is always fun of course. A fine substitute for John Morrison-Mr. Ziggles. Just don't fucking rob me of Mr. Nohjo Rison again, dicks. Oh man, the PPV's theme song, when did Lynyrd Skynyrd transcend into the numetal genre? Who the fuck is their singer now, the guy from Days of the New? Jesus Christ.

ARE YOU READY? Well then okay. It is now time for the rematch between Degeneration-X and Legacy, and hey, if Legacy loses again, I am officially going to start making mean jokes about Triple H online. Yeah, I already kind of do that, a lot, but now it'll be official though. Seriously though, if DX wins here, I'm going to be convinced that they are wrestling at this point in their careers for the sole purpose of fucking with people. Not the paycheck, not because they love to do it, but purely just to fuck with people. The Spirit Squad is their proudest moment to date. They come out wielding glowsticks and sans tank, so that was a disappointment. How else are they gonna break it down, with their dance moves? They have arthritis. Trips talks for a little bit, calling “Moncha” his DX Army. Huge “You Screwed Bret” chant starts up as the announcers laugh nervously, leading Trips to quip that, on a personal note from him, sincerely, it was all Shawn's fault. The chant explodes louder but they allow Trips to do the “Suck It.” Legacy enters next to a pretty considerable non-reaction, considering they're fighting Shawn Michaels in Montreal.

Legacy vs DX, Submissions Count Anywhere Match

They pair off and exit the ring immediately to fight around for a while with DX dominating as King tries to claim that Michaels is famous for the Figure Four leglock. WHAT ABOUT THAT MOVE TRIPLE H'S BEEN DOING LATELY WHO'S FAMOUS FOR THAT? It's just brawling into the crowd and up the steps. Cody Rhodes and Trips reach the back vending area first and Trips slams his ass into walls as Dibiase comes out of nowhere to knock Trips off his partner, only for Shawn to take down Dibiase amidst a growing crowd of backstage onlookers. “You Screwed Bret” from the couple dozen people backstage and then they all start...singing something, I don't know. National Anthem? Fuck if I know. They start brawling back down the steps through the crowd to the ring. This sucks pretty fierce phallus.

Both DX guys get Legacy in seperate hea dlock type holds which they eventually escape. Back down ringside and Trips starts killing with a chair. He wraps both of Cody's legs in it, with the chair sitting upright and Cody laying through it, before locking in a Texas Cloverleaf in like the third legitimate wrestling move of the match, despite this being, you know, a submission match. Michaels then rears back on the head and Cody grunts until Dibiase breaks it up. Legacy takes over for a second, only for Trips to get Dibiase in the ring and put him in the Crossface until Rhodes breaks it up. Michaels joins and gets tossed but skins the cat, headscissoring Rhodes out, only for Cody to yank HBK off the ropes with a torture rack that Hunter has to dive from the apron to break up. H returns to the prone Dibiase in the ring as Shawn slams Cody into things around the stage and back into the crowd. Rhodes gets his ass sat down in a chair and Shawn goes for mounted punches, only for Cody to throw him from their place in the crowd down to the floor below and OFFICIALS start shouting for help.

Triple H runs over to survey the comatose Michaels before snapping on Legacy, just absolutely demolishing them all the way to the stage. He leaves Dibiae lying and takes Rhodes TO THE BACK, but Ted comes to his rescue and Legacy finally gets the advantage for like the first ti me this match. They're wasting time punching Trips and going “Huh? Yeah!” instead of, you know, going for an actual submission hold. Trips soon puts one of them through the catering table because it was there and he's Triple H and wraps the other in the crossface until Dibiase takes him out with a cooler and we see Michaels stirring back by the stage. Cody hilariously nails a prone Trips in the head with a steel chair, just because, before walking off. The camera doesn't follow them and the announcers act confused and ask “Wha, where did they go?” in hushed tones, like they're on a sinking ship with Jaws and velociraptors both circling under the water, and they reappear on the stage to drag Shawn's CAHCUSS back to the ring.

More time-wasting punches in the middle of the ring before throwing HBK to a corner and charging at him. What. Michaels counters but Legacy is on them as King claims Michaels “sodomizes resilience.” What. Cody Rhodes stops a Michaels comeback with the Angle Ankle Lock, but he counters out of that shit with ease before sending Dibiase out and superkicking Rhodes down before falling unconscious on top of him, like that shit will cut it in a submission match. MEANWHILE Trips awakens. That looked ominous. Everyone is down until HBK hops up for the Figure Four on Rhodes, but Dibiase20stops it in time. More charging at HBK in the corner and that again goes horribly. They tease a double piledriver, with one guy on the turnbuckle to push the feet down, but nobody is surprised when Michaels escapes and throws Cody from the ring before looking for a superkick on Dibiase, only for Rhodes to trip him up and wrap his legs around the turnbuckle from the outside. He then locks in the Figure Four while Dibiase simultaneously slaps on the Million Dollar Dream. Triple H is oozing his way on down the ramp, but Michaels taps out.

Winners : LEGACY.

Wwe.com probably put it worst when they said “D-UPSET.” Great decision, and a good ending sequence on top of that. Now we can look forward to Triple H smarmily saying “he admits it, they got lucky and beat them” before challenging and proceeding to kill Legacy in Hell in a Cell. Because I'm fucking psychic, that's why. Michaels tapping was probably the right decision, too, as Triple H has been needing to continue to rebuild his aura of dominance ever since he lost to Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania XII, so good move there.

The Great Khali w/ Runjin Singh vs Kane, Singapore Cane Match

Kane canes.

Winner : Kane

That wasn't very good, trust me dog. Although fun f-, well a fact anyway, I get on facebook and literally every update was about Kanye, you know, “I can't bleev what he did” and all that, except I didn't watch the VMA's, what the fuck do I know, and the first one I read, the person had typo'd and said Kane, and so I thought WOW WHAT DID KANE DO DID I MISS SOMETHING IT MUST HAVE BEEN BIG I DON'T THINK THESE PEOPLE EVEN WATCH WRESTLING IS IT ON THE NEWS” but then I realized it was about Kanye West and I immediately felt severely uninterested and disappointed and more than a little pathetic about getting so excited to talk about wrestling with people I know and not, well, you fags.
 

IN THE BACK for CM Punk gloating over the fact that he was right about Jeff Hardy all along, referencing his latest arrest for drug trafficking and all that. I bet this is all an elaborate angle, and Punk's playing the role Edge did back when Hardy kept getting randomly attacked. I BET MATT MADE THE 911 CALL. He brags about how you won't ever see his mugshot because he's straightedge and doesn't scare easy when the lights go out. When they come back on Jimmy Wang Yang is hyucking it up, fucking with the light switch before telling Punk good luck. Punk shakes the guy's hand before beating his Wellness-failing ass down right there in the hallway. Punk's next feud? LET'S HOPE.
 
We get a replay of Summerslam's eight second ECW match. Still too much goddamn ECW. Christian enters to a big pop and the announcer that isn't Matt Striker calls Christian “The Valkyrie King of the Great White North.” What. Regal enters with his multi-cultural entourage. However, we get a special announcement from ECW GM TIFFANY that Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov are barred from ringside. They storm away their usual angry selves and Regal tries not to look too fazed by it. He bolts at Christian at the bell and they tumble around before a staredown. Christian clapping elicits a huge clapping along from the crowd and Regal looks like he kind of wants to join in for the fun and unity, but at the same time, Christian's his opponent, you know? He can't clap for his opponent. What is he, Rey Mysterio? Fuck know he isn't he's fucking William the Fuck Regal. That's what it says on his pocketwatch and everything, fWtFR.

ECW Champion Christian vs William Regal, title match

Lot of restholds, as apparently most men's BREAKING POINTS can be defended by suddenly feeling really strong on cue and jerking sharply out of your opponent's grip. Regal gets a harsh exploder suplex for two, followed by a surfboard stretch. Christian escapes and goes for a springboard sunset flip but Regal knocks his lights out with the running knee. He soon throws Christian halfway across the ring and locks in another hold as an announcer says “TRYING TO MAKE YOUR OPPONENT SUBMIT IS WHAT TONIGHT IS ALL ABOUT” despite this being a regular 123 singles match. Regal gets repeated nearfalls as that fucking announcer says Regal's inner vampire is dancing to life or some shit. When I get around to watching ECW sometime and20find out who this guy is I'm going to trash him. In the meantime, my excuse is I refuse to dignify his shit announcing by mentioning his name in a high-brow article of eloquence such as this, but he knows who he is. Christian picks up a two-count and so climbs up multiple times, avoiding Regal's attacks every time until he catches him with a shot and brings Christian down. Killswitch attempt sees Christian sent forward throat-first into the ropes, but he comes back and just plants Regal with the Killswitch on a counter immediately after for the win,

Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Christian

Okay match. I didn't really get into it. We get an advertisement for what COULD BE a career-altering announcement from Batista. That's like saying “Tune in tomorrow where we'll have a match that COULD be held in a cell!” Big gay old Pat Patterson comes out to showtooney music and addresses the crowd in French to cheers. I have no idea what the fuck is going on I mean what is this I don't even. He then says in English he was the first IC champ, which brings out current ambiguously gay bleach blond Intercontinental Champion wannabe Dolph Ziggler, in nothing but short tigh ts and a leopard vest. I think it's clear Dolph studiously studied the tape of Patterson earning his Intercontinental title in Rio de Janerio, and he plans on becoming a champion tonight, one way or another.

Pat talks like fucking Yogi Bear as he picks on Dolph, only for Dolph to come back with lispy elderly jokes. SHUT THE FUCK UP chant from the crowd. All those people need to be fined, I'm fucking offended by those insensitive faggots. MORE old jokes before Dolph is like “loljk” but Pat ain't having none of that. Because if there's anyone who has self-respect, it's the wrestler who fucked his way to a championship before any female wrestler ever did. Ziggler decides Pat's a coward and so kicks him in the stomach before leaving smugly, only to return to finish the job that was probably halfway done already just from Pat walking to the ring. Intercontinental champion John Morrison comes out JUST AS THE FEED CUTS OUT WHAT THE. It's like I'm not allowed to watch John Morrison. What are they trying to do, make me watch it on tv? PAY FOR IT?! Anyway I'm just going to go ahead and read the results elsewhere. Turns out Ziggler ran like a scawdidaw bahgaw. Moving on.

John Cena vs Randy Orton, WWE Championship I Quit Match

The added stip is that if anyone interferes on Orton's behalf, he'll be stripped of his title. PRE-MATCH HYPOTHESIZING : I bet Cody's brother, the one who interfered last month, interfere's on CENA'S behalf, beating down Orton, because Randy wouldn't let him join Legacy. POST MATCH ANALYSIS : He doesn't. They do a long staredown as I guess this is supposed to be the final match between these two, at least for a while. Until the next Pay Per View. Standard wrestling fare at the getgo with Orton quickly taking control of the No-DQ by sending Cena out and into the announcer's table before injecting his cranium with a nice doese of television monitor. Cranium is a high brow, top shelf word for head, just in case we have any public school-educated stragglers peering. He sets Cena up for the elevated DDT in the ring, then tells the ref to ask Cena if he quits, but Cena ain't nevuh scaid and so he gets his cabeza drilled into the mat. Cabeza is Spanish for head, or maybe arm. I forget.

Orton sets up a chair in the ring for the chaiRKO, but Cena blocks and hits the first three of his big five moves. If you only use five moves you get to call them big five moves, and they hurt more. King's got big two moves, but his punches feel like you just got slammed by two planes, or The Big Show even. 5 Knuck Shuff as the ref ditches the chair. Interfering motherfucker. Orton flies out of the AA and out onto the apron where he guillotines Cena before going for the soccer punt, otherwise known as countless elementary-age kids' one big move. Cena blocks with an STF attempt but Orton stops that like a boss and rolls out. ROLL OUT. I've been on a rap kick ever since Kane's incident at the VMA's. Lady Gaga will have to wear a mask for the rest of her life, but at least now you can't read her pokerface. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

STEEL STEPS! Cena goes sprawling. Orton with a modified curbstomp on the steel steps but Cena refuses to quit, so he gets his shit stomped some more. He rolls Cena back into the ring before pulling out an arsenal of weird shit, namely handcuffs and a chain with a big obvious key. He chains Cena up like a dog and cuffs him to the top rope like a dog used as a slang term and begins stomping him like either of the aforementioned dogs, whichever one you are more sensitive to. Orton lets Cena free, still constantly whipping his ass, only to handcuff his hands together and string him up like=2 0a dog of your choosing from the turnbuckle. He beats on him like a pinata before reviving him with a bottle of water to keep him from passing out. Awesome. Cena spits the water at Orton, but consciousness is good news and so Orton arms himself with a cane and goes to work, thwacking Cena as he refuses to give up. You know, I bet if you hit anybody in the world long enough with that cane, they'd probably quit. Why not stick with that? He starts choking Cena but he lands a lowblow. Since when are moves like that regarded as respectful and loyal hustling moves?

Cena escapes and looks beat to shit but nevertheless struts on over where Orton gets him with a chairshot and cuffs him to the bottom of the turnbuckle. Open season for chairshots until Cena ducks and Orton runs into the ringpost, allowing Cena to backdrop him in this position and snag the key. Cena is so fucking ridiculous it's, well, it's ridiculous, I just said that, where the fuck were you? He frees himself, only to handcuff himself to Orton's wrist. WHAT. Orton loses his shit and Cena then goes fucking nuts and basically, glossing over a few parts here but basically what he does is, he kills Orton all over everything. That is the jist of what happens. All set up for the AA but Orton sneaks an RKO out of it to take Cena out. He drags Cena's limp body20over to where the keys are just as Cena comes to. He realizes he had better get his ass in gear and so gets Orton in the STFU, with the handcuffs still locked in, and Orton audibly quits into the mic.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : John Cena

Post-match Cena proclaims on the mic “I DID NOT QUIT.” Easy there, Jeff Hardy, noone said you did.
 
Good match, I just hope Orton can find fuck-anything else in the world to do other than fight for the world title. Hop in there with Legacy and DX or something, I don't know, just something. He's been in the title picture this past year than fucking John Cena, and I say that after witnessing him lose the title to, after a long feud with, John Cena. MAIN VENT TIME.

Punk gets a hearty dose of boos and Undertaker gets quite the opposite of that. This feud is of course based off the fa ct that The Undertaker has been gone for a very long time and so now needs his obligatory world title match, and Punk doesn't like him for this reason and for the fact that he encourages hallucinogens with his magic powers and second-hand graveyard smoke. I'm just reporting the facts.

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs Undertaker, Championship Match

Punk hauls out of the ring right away like, well, like his name implies he would act. He returns with some kicks but Taker is like “I'm a big sumbitch” and hurls his ass out of the ring. He generally dominates for quite a long time as Punk is purely in defensive mode here, letting Taker build up his momentum until his attack points are finally enough to put him away. Until then, Punk takes abuse until, after being thrown into the crowd barrier, he dodges a boot and Taker gets hungup. Pepsi One knee and Punk is all over that ass with a chair like an ass to a chair, letting the action return to the ring so he can hit the Pepsi One. Bulldog fails but so does the Old School and Punk leaps up for a super fall to the mat. Sure=2 0enough he gets tossed but he's right back up to nail a kick to Taker's head and scores the Superplex. Holy shit.

Pure kicker vs pure striker from here and it's all Taker's signature shit, Corner clothesline, boot, legdrop, CHOKESLAM! Is averted with a roundhouse to the, well, kind of shoulder region of Taker. Zombie bones are brittle. As are elderly gingers. It drops Taker anyway and Punk collapses before crawling over, only to get trapped up in Hell's Gate, which sees Punk tap right the fuck out in the shittiest, most anti-climatic, oh wait here's Teddy. He proclaims that Vickie banned that shit ages ago due to it being a chokehold or some lie, and thus the match must restart. Taker says fuck it and hoists him up for a Last Ride which Punk escapes and he downs Taker with a chopblock. ANACONDA VICE and the ref starts waving his hands for the bell. The bell rings despite Taker clearly not tapping.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion : CM Punk

Oh, gay, GAY, Punk and the ref hurry out of the ring, with the ref stopping to award Punk his belt before hauling ass away up the ramp. Punk then goes and stands next to Teddy Long on the ramp who looks on at Taker like “I'm a nihilist now, playa.” In Teddy's defense, he was on probation and does need to keep making them dollas, just before anyone gets too hasty or judgmental right off the bat.

Overall, I'd say this was an okay show. Cena-Orton was probably the highlight, which was just half a step above mediocre in terms of both my interest in the match and the match itself. I'd count the screwjob finish as a strike against it, except if it didn't happen, there probably wouldn't be any other reason for this show to have taken place, really, although I'm sure once Vince makes the angle entirely about him it will fall into that category anyway. Everything else was mediocre or below, and this was definitely not a show worth paying for, let alone spending four hours watching, and something like four more hours writing about in intervals throughout my hectic day. Thumbs down. And then Batista powerbombs himself through the mat. END SHOW.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANTHONY DEAN

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).