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BREAKING NEWZ~!
THE SUPER-SECRET WRESTLEMANIA 24 DREAM CARD!
 
With Wrestlemania on the horizon, speculation has already began to abound as to what we could possibly expect this year out of the Grand Daddy of them All. Yes, a Grand-Daddy. A Grand-Daddy that is only 24 years old, but a Grand-Daddy nonetheless. Maybe Wrestlemania was raised by a single mother in a Trailer park and thus thought starting a family as well relatively young would give its tumultuous life purpose? Or perhaps, Wrestlemania was sexually abused by its mother's vagrant boyfriend, thus spawning a need to gain attention by easily putting out? Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh ya, Wrestlemania. This coming March(?) will mark the 24th installment of the mega-event, and I've heard through my super secret, yet ultra-reliable source who wishes to remain anonymous, RD Reynolds, that the WWE brain-trust, or trust anyway, have already began assembling a card that will by all accounts BLOW YOUR MIND. And sadly, I mean that literally. The completely mind-numbing booking ahead will likely cause you to eat a shotgun. But hey, what can you do? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE~! ...but usually just the same exact things forever. Yup.
 
That said, here's the current leaked card as it stands right now!
 
 
After vanquishing every challenger placed in front of him, and on the heels of banishing Randy Orton for eternity to the Phantom Zone, Super Cena will need an opponent for Wrestlemania. One that can give the invincible Krypton Massachusetts native a serious run for his money. And thus, WWE has opted to book the Champ in three separate challenges in one evening. Because, let's face it, if WWE crowds are to be believed with their love, the demand for more John Cena is at an all-time high. Trust us.
 
With that in mind, after searching low and lower for opponents to feed Cena like Stephanie tackling a Continental breakfast, WWE realized that no mortal man of THIS WORLD could survive the deadly onslaught of the former Doctor of Thuganomics. (The STFU only looks like he's just lying there. Seriously). As a result, WWE has decided the best course of action to create a competent foe for the champ, is to somehow create a hole in the fabric of time (usually created after a Great Khali match) and pluck Cena's otherworldly counterpart from the Mirror Universe. You see, the thinking from the office is the only man able to defeat John Cena, would be John Cena himself. However, the complexity of deciding a winner between equal forces unwilling to ever do jobs each battling to overcome the odds is far more complicated to fathom than trying to comprehend what the Universe was like before time and space. Needless to say, the heads of WWE Creative were said to explode, yet surprisingly, there was no mess to clean up. Strange.
 
However, as luck would have it, this impossible scenario, that let's face it, would cause WWE to charge us upwards of 500 million each for the PPV (A plan they hoped to implement anyway next year) due to its time-limit reaching infinity, WILL NOT happen after all; because it was discovered that since it was the Mirror Universe, THIS Cena was vulnerable, beloved by fans everywhere bar women and small children, cut captivating deep promos, and was never predominantly a fixture in the WWE (EWW Title) picture. You know, the opposite of Earth Cena. And thus, Earth's John Cena will handily defeat Mirror Cena, due to mirror Cena's track record of never overcoming odds and losing every match he's in. He'll then be immediately sent back to his universe, along with anyone with a disturbing goatee, just in case. (Jim Neidhart is said to be shaving as speak). 
 
 
With Mirror Cena dispatched, WWE Creative soon turned their attention to another untapped and seemingly overwhelming odd for the Champ to overcome. And the matches they've booked may surprise you. Next up, John Cena will battle ADULT ILLITERACY. That's right, if all goes right, The Dr. of Thuganomics will trade in that degree (earned at the same University that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam) for a MASTERS IN LITERATURE, and soon, he will have even the most stubborn non-readers comprehending completely legit words like FU and STFU. It's all part of WWE's plan to eliminate Illiteracy once and for all! And they've already put the plan into motion. You see, WWE head writer and by gawd genius Stephanie McMahon has personally created the first ever WWE Anti-Illiteracy program. Just write them at Stamford CT., and they'll mail out a full pamphlet with the written instructions you'll need to finally begin ending your lifelong war with reading comprehension. Makes sense to me. So stay tuned to Wrestlemania! Because if all goes well, (and Cena's record speaks for itself) you'll soon "throw back" the books with ease  and "shuffle all five knuckles" through its many pages in no time! WORD LIFE. ("Words" you'll understand!).
 
And finally, Wrestlemania's triple-Main Event will conclude with John Cena's most daunting challenge EVER: RACIAL INTOLERANCE. Yes, it's true. Racism is something WWE WON'T stand for. It's true. In fact, whenever they visit the un-named cities in other nations that are evil for having pride in their own customs and not being American, WWE does its best to promote tolerance. Mostly tolerance against not turning the channel after the disappointing Hornswoggle storyline, but tolerance nonetheless. In fact, before their release, African-American tag team Cryme Tyme did their best to dissuade ignorance and shatter all racial stereotypes by creating a positive Role model (Roll model?) for the young black culture to emulate, all while showing them that people of color could nonsensically steal everything from steaks to a retard's prescription medication, and then re-sell it for insultingly low prices. And they'd do this as the EQUAL of any two petty stereo-typical white criminals. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
 
That said, come Wrestlemania, WWE feels John Cena is THE MAN to finally get the job done (just not do one), and that JOB is to FINALLY undisputedly unite the races. After all, Cena himself knows all too well the plight of the black man, as he himself was one from 2003-2005. So who better?
 
And just how will this be accomplished, you ask? Well, first would obviously be through compassion. Followed by respect. And following that? A slew of jokes about homosexuality that will have all non-anal-seeking races of all shapes and sizes laughing in unison and sharing in the unified harmony that can only come when you alienate something different. Sounds like a great plan. And no doubt it's one that will DELIVER. If all goes to schedule, Wrestlemania will close with a feel-good moment not seen since the dead guy they exploited and the dead guy they erased shared a hug 4 years ago. It'll be glorious, heart-warming and emotional. Samoan savages, black stereotypes and really tall gibberish speaking Indians will all be arm and arm! Hell, throw in some retards and a few balaclava wearing Terrorists, and this display no doubt will change the course of human history, as all colors and creeds will embrace each other in the ultimate spectacle of acceptance and RESPECT. But hey, as a warning, still don't try and headbutt the Samoans or blacks. Their heads are unnaturally thick. You'll just hurt yourself.
 
This just in, After getting a title shot for seemingly every Mile he's walked through that alleged Pit of Danger, Batista is unfortunately left with out an opponent at Wrestlemania. UNTIL NOW. You see, there is a GRUDGE match on the horizon, regardless of Batista's claims to the contrary. You see, Basketball is set to take its revenge against the Animal at Wrestlemania for Big Dave's SLANDEROUS remarks about its character. And rumor has it, that once Big Dave heard of his "opponent", he uttered "What the hell is a guy supposed to do with a big inflated inanimate object that has to always be carried?". King Booker then was said to speak up and up and utter "Now you know how we feel when we wrestle you". Touché.
 
 The Battle of the Giants at Wrestlemania has just been booked! And surprisingly, despite not having the weight advantage (he only weighs 25 pounds now reputedly) Andre still holds the overall size advantage, clocking in at an amazing 75 feet! Of course, this was after road agents lined all his bones up in a row.
 
That said, there was some talk backstage that this match would be impossible to pull off, because as we know, Andre is dead. But Vince was re-assured that first off, since he's already expired, Andre could not be killed in the ring (like he was at Wrestlemania 3 after being bodyslammed by Hulk Hogan, and like some are accustomed to whilst wrestling Khali), and despite having no pulse, or in fact any shape whatsoever, the remains of Andre would still likely possess more speed and mobility than Khali, so he'd likely be able to hold his own. So stay tuned! Andre makes his Wrestlemania return next March... under his own original Deadman gimmick. (Undertaker stole the whole act.).
 
 
 Not much to say here. With no discernable opponent slated for the big one, WWE has opted to instead book the Game against every single tag team on both brands, and a fully armored tank. From there, all the Tag teams, in a time saving move, will all pedigree themselves, whilst HHH commandeers the tank, runs them all over with it, then destroys it with a sledgehammer tipped with a warhead, before returning to the ring to give the now one, flattened, gelatinous blob containing all 8 men a DEVASTATING ARN ANDERSON SPINEBUSTER...only to then pry them all apart, and individually pin them, all while *obviously* putting them over. You see, HHH thinks about the FUTURE. Well, a future where he pins new people. Just because.
 
 To help pad the card, Lashley, who like Cena before him, required an opponent to overcome the odds against; so what better odds to overcome than ones decided by the good people of the Las Vegas gaming commission? Ya, I know. It'll be terrible. But don't be surprised when the Slot Machine still cuts a more emotional promo than Lashley.
 
 After the tremendous success of last year's BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES, for Wrestlemania 24, WWE powers-that-be have opted to instead promote a contest of the complete opposite monetary standard! It's true. Instead of the highly anticipated Money the Bank, WWE will instead feature a battle between two men that have no trace of it in theirs. But unlike last year, there will no hair on the line, as the mullet symbiote that resides upon Ricky's head is impenetrable to all known forms of cutting utensils. 
 
The Prize for this ultimate encounter? Why, a bowl of soup, a clean change of clothes and a warm bed! (Lex has reputedly spent the last year rolled up inside a sleeping bag inside the carryall of the Lex Express, so he's said to be really be looking forward to it). So stay tuned for the Battle of The Hundredaires! Only at Wrestlemania! Where Dreams come true! So long as those "dreams" don't include full time gainful employment.
 
 
This match of course came about after opening the hole in the fabric of time as noted earlier. And since WWE was left with an entity that destroyed stars, swallowed up everything in its path, and was really nothing more than a dark void, whom better to match the black hole up against than MARK HENRY, who ironically enough possesses all these same attributes himself? Exactly.
 
 
 What better way to put Wrestlemania back on the map, then to resume the greatest unresolved feud of 2006, Vince McMahon vs. God? Well, anything. But that said, Vince is still going through with it anyway, and all because, as revenge for being jobbed out in his debut, God has secretly taken his retribution this past calendar year by seemingly smiting the company at every turn, whether it be through random death, plague, or necessitating a Title reign for the Great Khali. You know, the most horrible payback imaginable. And God has accomplished all this in a grand, dare I say, Final Destination fashion. Only, unlike the movie, in WWE, even the fucking  Grim Reaper got put on the shelf. Ahem.
 
That said, the ultimate battle will take place at the Grand Daddy of them all. The rumors circulating are that it will all take place in a Heaven & Hell in the Cell. Or the Devil's Duplex as Jim Ross calls it. Although, apparently, Satan recently got a job promotion, and has since relocated to a lovely ocean-front beach house. Take this for what it's worth.
 
With all that mind though, just whom will triumph at Wrestlemania? And will sons and son- in-laws and respective Kings of Kings, Triple H and Jesus Christ get involved? And will God do the job yet again? You know, despite forbidding anyone working on Sundays. We'll soon find out! Unfortunately.
 
Of course, our Wrestlemania odyssey would not be complete without the vaunted HALL OF FAME INDUCTION ceremony! And while names not ending in "Savage" or "Warrior" are still being discussed, 2008's addition to the highly touted Celebrity Wing has already been decided. Yes. You got to know were talking about Clara "Where's the Beef" Peller, whose countless contributions to the industry (countless because you can't go below zero) are legendary. I mean, who could forget, besides everybody, her riveting 3 second performance at Wrestlemania 2, where she inaudibly uttered 2/3rd's of her famous Wendy's catchphrase? Sure, some people wrestled 4 times in one night to capture a WWF Title and succeeded Hulk Hogan for a year, but that all pales in comparison to the tenure of Clara. And why not? We already have a Refrigerator in the Hall of Fame, so why not some Beef, too? I mean, this addition is simple, really. You see, Wendy's isn't the only company to promote her catchphrase of "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!". See, at WWE ,that has been their personal hiring philosophy for the past 25 years. And there's enough 230 pound and under dudes with broken dreams out there who can attest to this fact. Yup.
 
Now, unfortunately, since Clara has been dead for 20 years, she'll likely be unable to attend the ceremony. But fear not, since MAE YOUNG  is old, and a woman, and since like every old person looks alike anyway, Mae will be portraying Clara at the Ceremony, where she currently plans to give birth on stage to the Hamburger Helper Hand in a tribute to Clara's favorite cut of meat! How touching.
 
Well, that's that. And clearly, It's safe to say that like the twenty-three before it, this Wrestlemania will too be indelibly etched into the Annals of Time. Mostly because WWE just came to terms on the purchase of time this past weekend. Stay tuned to WWE 24/7 for more. And don't be surprised when you suddenly find out that most of History's celebrated figures actually had the surname McMahon...
 
I'm Sean.
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).