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BREAKING NEWZ:
FUNNY BUSINESS IN THE SHOCKING DEATH OF CRUSH~!
 
[Last August, I posted a quick teaser of a "Breaking Newz" I had written as it pertained to the then death of Brian Adams. I forgot to upload the full version, and just discovered recently that this was the case. So, ya, here's the full intended version. Relevance and timing be damned!].
 
Brian Keith Adams, and not Brian "Pain & Destruction" Adams, despite the Demolition theme's brazen claims,has passed away at the age of 42. Or 90 in Wrestler years. He was found DOA in his home. Skull, Eightball and Chainz were not on the scene, however,
 
At this time, the coroner has not released full details into his unfortunate demise,but I had my own speculations. Most notably: RADIATION POISONING. It's true. I mean, Crush did partner up with Bryan Clarke for YEARS, and as we all know, Clarke's actual real life legit true name is ADAM BOMB, and according to Vince McMahon himself in 1993, Clarke was born and raised on Three Mile Island, where he was bombarded by radiation that then perpetuated his growth and created his heavily musculature. Huh. I wonder if Batista also "claims" to be from there. 
 
So, you see, by proxy, it's logical to assume that Adams was subjected to a great deal of fallout just by associating with Clarke. Of course, not to be confused with the very same fallout created by having a completely abysmal match with Undertaker & Kane at Unforgiven 2001. Not even. You can't make this stuff up.
 
However, this was but a pet theory of mine with no foundation or sense. It'd make a great WWE storyline. So, undaunted, I looked elsewhere for answers. Being the professional Truth Teller that I am, I did a little of my patented TWF-sleuthing into the matter, in hopes that I'd get some answers, or perhaps even uncover some clues as to whether there was some foul play. Or Fowl Play, if in fact Terry Taylor or Hector Guerrero were indeed involved. These were my findings:
 
After much research and heavy pot-smoking, I truly believed I was onto something. I had my first lead. That lead? MULLETS. It's true. In the last ten years, more wrestlers with MULLETS or having had MULLETS, have succumbed than at any other time in history. Some people, with medical degrees, facts, logic, a concept of what they're talking about, and basic common sense will tell you that in most cases, these deaths can be tied into heart disease, but I seriously have my doubts. I personally believe that there may be a SERIAL KILLER on the loose, who preys on those strongmen in tights that dared be business on top, and party in the back. I mean, look at this laundry list (laundry that includes far too many Zubaz pants) of expired superstars:

Eddie Guerrero

Chris Benoit

Mike Awesome

Rocco Rock

Johnny Grunge

Curt Hennig

Rick Rude

Brian Adams

 
What do all these men have or have had in common? Gross mismanagement by WCW? Umm, probably. An unfortunate taste in hairstyle? EXACTLY.
 
I believe in my heart of hearts, (That I keep freeze dried in my freezer) that someone, somewhere, is MURDERING my heroes, then blaming it on this unrealistic manufactured condition known as heart disease. Balderdash. Ico-Pro NEVER HURT ANYONE.
 
Ultimately, I've discovered, through exhaustive means, and at great expense to the tax payers (because I mug them. I'm assuming they pay taxes) is that MULLETS are the key here. And if I was Ricky Morton, I'd be terrified. If in fact I even had anything to live for anymore. Which clearly he does not.
 
But WHO would want to murder, then in turn frame Mullet-owners and former mullet owners alike? Perhaps SOMEONE WHO IN THEMSELVES ONCE WORE THIS VERY HAIRSTYLE? Perhaps a man who knows HAIR better than anyone?
 
You got to know that I'm talking about Brutus Beefcake. Or as he was known in late 60's :
 
THE ZODIAC KILLER.
 
It's true! And why do you think that almost every wrestler that passes away in the last decade seemingly dies in their SLEEP? It's easy. As we all know, Brutus MASTERED a hold that did JUST THAT in mid 1987. Coincidence? Most likely. But still, I was confident, that if cameras were installed, we'd have witnessed the DEATH BLOW for ourselves, as my team of Forensic experts have determined that the *actual* causes of death in most of these cases, was from Beefcake sitting their unconscious bodies upright, leaping into the air, and stomping onto the upper torso/neck region. If not timed right, this is LETHAL. If timed right, it creates a hilarious spontaneous moment wherein a slumbering wrestler suddenly discovers he's bald.
 
However, unfortunately, my quest to link Beefcake to these deaths was a futile one. Brother Bruti was exonerated when his alibi, Hulk Hogan, came forward. Apparently, Beefcake was accounted for the entire time. As it turns out, he's actually not left the deep reaches of the Hulkster's asshole in about 20 years, and thus placing him at any of the scenes is impossible. Oh well.
 
 
But if not Brutus, then who? Who would have a vested interest in seeing Crush perish? I immediately looked into this matter, and discovered some *shocking* truths. One was, TWO men, with matching green hair, ridiculous ensembles and pasty white faces were seen exiting the scene simultaneously. Jeff Hardy was immediately ruled out because there is only one of him. The other fact here was, shards of "broken pineapple" were found in the vicinity of the body, as was a discarded mannequin arm. We have what is believed to be actual photo evidence to the right.:
 
That said, as they apparently left the scene, walking in single file, smoking cigars, the identical duo jumped into a comically small car, filled entirely with even more identical people (not WWE developmental talent), and sped away. Eyewitnesses place what appears to be a midget, dressed similarly at the wheel. Strange.
 
Questions still loom. What was this? A cult slaying? A gang, (made up of a black guy, a Spanish guy and two rednecks who think they're rappers?). An unrelated acquaintance , perhaps upset at the quality of the marijuana and Uzi's sold to him on the Kona Beach in 1994? The guy who gave Crush his fake tattoo in fake prison in 1996? The jury is still out. Or nonexistent and unneeded because he just had a heart attack.
 
More on this "completely true" and not tasteless story as it develops. Or not. I'm pretty much convinced I'm going to Hell at this point as it is...


I'm Sean.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).