Every once in a while, I have a stupid picture idea,
but ultimately decide a corresponding long-winded satire isn't worth my
time. This is one of those cases. So what is this exactly, then? Well,
it's an excuse to post photoshops I'll never really use otherwise, and make
some admittedly clichéd jokes. But hey, why not? In this particular
case, what better time to post this than on the heels of one of Television's
most controversial finales ever, and the apparent death of Vince McMahon? Exactly.
With that said, let us look at
VINCE MCMAHON GETS WHACKED. THE ALTERNATE ENDINGS.
Believe it or not, Vince McMahon's apparent fiery
end on RAW was not the way the original script went. No-siree. In fact, it wasn't
even the first attempted "death" in the vaunted McMahon crime family this
week. It's true. That honor belonged to John Laurinaitis, Vince McMahon's
right hand (which is awkward considering how often Johnny uses that particular
hand to openly masturbate under his desk to swimsuit magazines.). Apparently,
Ace was gunned down outside his strip club (where he is said to recruit many
of the future Diva search contestants) by two unknown assailants. In the car
also was one Michael P.S. Hayes, whom luckily was able to escape the car
unscathed; his omnipresent 50 pound mullet somehow absorbing many of the bullets
fired in his direction, and subsequently saving his life. Johnny was
not so lucky, despite his best efforts to desperately reach into the backseat
of his car for his patented skateboard, for which he hoped to block the rain
of gunfire. As a result of the shooting, he is now listed in critical
condition in a local "medical facility" where many former WWE employees he recently
let go keep showing up to his room with the gift of a pillow, for which
they hope to place over his face, to make his infinite slumber more peaceful... and
infinite. Sounds good to me.
The tragedy however didn't stop there. Vince McMahon's
own son-in-law, Triple H (but shhh, don't tell anyone at WWE.com! KAYFABE 4
EVER, baby) was also hit in an attempt to take down the McMahon family hierarchy.
And they did so by ambushing The Game whilst he partook in his favorite past-time
(besides pinning Rob Van Dam). You see, HHH is a man of many hobbies, and
when he's not personally digging a crater in which he likes to throw the bodies
of threatening midcarders, he collects model trains. Yes, trains. It's his passion.
And rumor persists that before his demise, he was in contact with Lemmy and
Motorhead to remix his theme song, and to change the words "game" to "train".
In fact, the prospect of this made him so excited, he almost forgot to
tell people that they had no passion for this business. Almost. In
any event, as HHH entered a model train store, he made the unfortunate mistake
of leaving his cell phone and his sledgehammer behind in the car, and went
inside completely unarmed... unless you count the Pedigree, which can level
worlds. Trust us. That said, soon after, several gunmen entered, and opened
fire upon The Game; but since he purposely felt that these hitmen were "not
ready" for the big dance and relied to heavily on "props" like guns filled with
hollow-point bullets, he no-sold their assault, pedigreed them, and they died.
Obviously. He then posed, grabbed a child's water bottle, took a gulp,
and sprayed it into the faces of horrified customers. He then accidentally tripped
and tore his quad, and died. It was horrible, sad and tragic. The biggest tragedy
of all being that Vince, not 6 months ago, after hearing that HHH had never
done a "job", forced him to finally put someone over, if only out of spite.
What a shame. HHH never hurt anyone. Anyone that mattered.
This takes us to tonight and Vince's end in an apparent
car bombing. But would you believe me if I told you that this was not the original
scripted end to Vince's saga? You would? Sucker. Anyway, it's true. After hearing
about what had happened to Ace and HHH, Vince went on the lam. It was time to
take it to the mattresses! ...and after having sex with several Diva hopefuls
on these mattresses, as he is wont to do, he went into hiding. But not without
first fashioning a mock bullet proof vest made entirely out of ECW Originals,
However, fate would ultimately catch up with Vince McMahon,
while outside a gas station in upstate New York. As he gave last minute instructions
to his wife Linda as she was parked in the family's SUV, and unknown gunman
approached Vince, and shot him at point blank range! The identity of the gunman
is not known. But speculation at this time points to one Santino Marella.
I mean, a dude from backwater Italy just happens to move to New Jersey?
Anyway, as Vince fell to the ground, apparently
mortally wounded, Linda exited the SUV in a panic to check on her fallen husband.
What she did not realize is that she left the vehicle in drive, and it
began rolling forward, and she let out a primal scream, bellowing "THE CRUISERWEIGHT
DIVISION IS IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR! SOMEONE HELP ME! SOMEONE SAVE THESE
EXCITING HIGH-FLIERS~!" Fortunately, common sense kicked in when a bystander,
replied with a "why bother? It's not like you use them properly anyway". She
then laughed and said "You're right! Sorry to waste everyone's time." And
oh ya, in the confusion, the truck rolled over Vince's skull, but had little
to no effect. It's true. I mean, why should it? If common sense isn't enough to penetrate his thick
skull, what's a 4000 pound sports utility vehicle? Exactly.
In any event, lucky to be alive, the family decide to come
out of hiding and head to a Restaurant where they'd all have dinner together.
Vince arrived first, and sat at the table, casing the place, and giving everyone the
once over. He first noticed a Truck Driver walk past, to which he immediately
made the Diesel hand gesture and let out a simulated woot- woot sound. After
all, this is how truckers communicate. Clearly. And hell, if it was good
enough for the lowest drawing WWF Champion ever, it was good enough for this
joker. Next he noticed two African-Americans enter the establishment. He immediately
hid his dinner, because as WWE television has taught us, Black thugs who
travel in pairs tend to steal food right off your plate, then re-sell it as
nonsensical Mother's Day's gifts. This is of course after they steal a retard's
medication sending them into a Curley-esque spiral on the floor. It's true.
Finally, he noticed an especially suspicious looking man of obvious European
descent. He was instantly annoyed. "Just look at this guy standing around here
all non-American. I'd like to send him back to his country that is strangely
void of any and all hometowns because we don't bother to ever look them up when
we assign them to wrestlers". Of course, I'm just paraphrasing here. At
this point, he seriously contemplates getting up, and BODYSLAMMING this
"commie scum" right then and there, because that's what you do to foreigners
when you're big and muscley. Ask Hulk Hogan. Fortunately, before Vince
could take action against this man who dared have no control over not being born here, his
wife Linda, and son Shane enter the Restaurant and the man seemingly goes
into the bathroom. Vince acquired about Stephanie running late, and was
told by Linda that she had to briefly stop by OVW to force everyone to
get a haircut. Eventually, she arrives, and we tediously see in
the distance, her desperately trying to write something halfway coherent,
but to no avail. Soon after, she approaches the door, makes a quick call
to Paul Heyman to remind him that he's still fired, and as she seemingly
enters, Vince, suddenly and surprisingly looks up, only to see....
Don't stop Believin'~!
What? If it's good enough for David Chase, it's good enough
for our asses. Ambiguity (and not laziness) FTW.
And I actually loved the Sopranos* finale. Vince exploding?
Not so much.