Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

That's right, your number one news source for completely unreal news has returned with a HUGE breaking story out of Orlando! I just heard from a reliable source (who for the sake of their identity we'll just call "John Pollock of Live Audio Wrestling") that a brutal string of murders have befallen certain members of the TNA locker room! And the surreal part? All evidence at the moment points to one man: THE MONSTER, ABYSS! Normally, it'd have been Sonny Siaki, but he left the company two years ago. Glad we cleared that up.
Anyway, apparently, it all started with the strange appearance of the woman who may or may not be the MOTHER of Abyss, on this past Thursday's episode of Impact. We all saw it for ourselves. The woman seemed to have some sort of hold or power over the hulking masked maniac. It was obvious. And well, since this was no doubt a completely original story, as never throughout all of history, in any forms of entertainment, especially movies, and especially not 25 years ago, and especially not produced by Paramount Studios, has there EVER been a quasi-retarded giant masked maniac who does the mindless bidding of his mother, who then subsequently eradicates people without conscience. Not ever. So, you see, I JUST HAD to investigate, and head down to Orlando and witness the unfolding of this macabre tale for myself. These were my findings:
After getting lost several times, I eventually found myself on the outskirts of Orlando, in what appeared to be quaint vacation community. As I got closer to the home arena of TNA, I was suddenly stopped by a cherubic gentleman, with a very large face, a booming voice, and an almost annoying enthusiasm for even the most trivial of things. He went on to warn me not to proceed, because as he put it "TNA has a death curse", and if I was to trek on even further, I would most certainly find myself dead. But not before receiving free tickets for a 5 hour block of television. It was a tough call.
From there, he filled me in on an interesting tidbit of information, all whilst trying to maniacally pedal useless baseball cards to me between sentences. What he told me was, some 30 years ago, a woman named "Pamela Abyss", worked as a cook for the Carter family. And while on Summer vacation here in Orlando, the camp councilors, hired to watch her young son Abyss, were off "exploring one another"; and left to his own devices, young Abyss, who was somewhat of a misfit, and had no friends (although that was probably due to the fact that any time a child ran in his direction he'd catch them with one arm and twirl them through the air, violently slamming them on the ground), eventually wandered off, and unfortunately found himself falling onto about ten thousand thumbtacks! What a completely random pillowcase full of thumbtacks would be doing in the woods is anyone's guess. Completely bizarre. Randomly under a wrestling ring? COMPLETELY PRACTICAL.
In any event, Pamela Abyss was subsequently driven to madness over the tragedy. And while her son Abyss wasn't killed per se, it did take her some 2 hours to pick all the tacks out; and as a result, her evening plans were completely ruined. She swore revenge ever since....
Anyway, as I left the man, I eventually moved closer to the Impact Zone, (seen right) when suddenly, I saw an obviously distraught Abyss exit the premises, with blood on his hands! I quickly headed inside in anticipation of the brutal crime scene that likely awaited me. And I'm not lying when I say that I bore witness to perhaps the most upsetting, grotesque spectacle I could possibly ever imagine. And once I passed the morbidly obese Jeff Hardy fan that was once a TNA regular, I saw the crime scene for myself. Among the victims I saw were Brother Ray of 3D, and the majority of the X-Division, including Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal & Chris Sabin who were seemingly left in pieces. However, seconds later, they all arose as if nothing had happened, and continued wrestling. I later questioned them on why they chose to not sell "death", and Sabin spoke up, while taping his head back onto his torso with duct-tape: "Jeff Jarrett doesn't want us to sell it. He wanted our demise to be like a videogame. We still have two lives left." Strange indeed.
As I moved on, I found myself in the main eventer's locker room. Strewn about the room were the remains of Christian, Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash, who unlike the others, had his limbs apparently just fall off without any contact. Strange.
The only man standing amongst the sea of corpses was Kurt Angle. I then tapped him on the shoulder to see if he could tell me what he saw; but he quickly turned around and grabbed me by the shirt collar and said "Are you Chuck Liddell?". I answered "No". He then said "How about Tito Ortiz?" I once again answered "No".  He then said "Good. Then I won't have to kill you. Both. Simultaneously." I then questioned him as to what had happened to the others, and how was it that he was still alive, while everyone else in the room was dead. He then shockingly replied "Sean; I'm not going to lie to you. They tell me I actually passed away in 2003. But I'm just not buying it. I mean, I won a gold medal with a broken freakin' neck! So what's a "pulse"?". Just then, he suddenly paused, looked me up and down awkwardly, and once again inquired if I was Chuck Liddell.
It was at this point, I figured that if I was going to get any answers, it would be from the one man who could be counted on to make sense out of this whole thing: Vince Russo. And yes, this is the only time in history that sentence could ever be applicable.
When I entered his office, I saw him cowering in the corner, hiding. I assured him it was safe, and asked him what was going on. He said the whole thing started when he had Abyss's mother decapitated at the TV Tapings, so they could put her head in a mystery box for a four corner pole match at Lockdown. He said Abyss then went crazy and started killing people. And not in the way he had originally booked. HE WAS SHOOTING. He thinks. He can't remember. All he remembered was, in his original script, everyone started off completely safe outside the arena, and then the first wrestler to run into the death trap and be killed by Abyss, would move on in the tournament and get a bye into the 3rd round. "I don't know what could have possibly gone wrong. It all made perfect sense when I wrote it." he said. Just then, a huge machete barreled down upon his head, seemingly killing him. I jumped back in horror, only for Russo to start laughing and pointing, saying "SWERVE! Got ya kid! I'm not really dead!" I then replied, "Oh thank god." But before I could continue he bellowed out "SWERVE! Haha. Ok, I really am dying. I just said that I wasn't because it makes for some good television. I mean, everyone might say that it was dumb for Vince Russo to let himself be killed, but you're still talking about it, right? Right?". He then died. For real. I think.
Just then I heard a scream. It was Christy Hemme. I ran into the room to see her fending off Abyss with a large pitchfork, desperately struggling for her life. In the distance, I could hear the director telling her she still had 4 more commercial bumpers to record "before she even thinks about doing something selfish like dying". It was just then that STING emerged from the ceiling, wearing a blue wool turtleneck sweater! "Abyss! Listen to your mother, the Stinger! ..Err, Not Stinger...your Mother, whatever her name is!" he bellowed. Abyss turned around, mesmerized by the 250 pound mime who was the spitting image of his headless mother. It was uncanny. Except for all the complete differences.  Unfortunately, though, before I could see what would happen, I felt a tug at my sleeve. It was Jeff Jarrett, dragging the lifeless body of Christian Cage towards the ring. He then threw me a referee's shirt and said, "Quick. Put this on. If I'm gonna be World Champion again, we're gonna have to do this fast!" One three count later, I was quickly and mysteriously escorted from the building, never knowing just what had happened, only being allowed to stop briefly to step on a machete sticking out of a still very-much-alive-at-the-time Kip James. It was worth it.
Anyway, I wish there was more I could tell you here. Sadly, we may never know what really happened. Or care.
Or is it?!... (It is. I swear. Thank God.).
I'm Sean.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).