BREAKING NEWZ~!
ABYSS GOES ON
SAVAGE MURDER SPREE IN ORLANDO~!
That's
right, your number one news source for completely unreal news
has
returned with a HUGE breaking story out of Orlando! I
just heard from
a reliable source (who for the sake of their identity we'll
just call
"John Pollock of Live Audio Wrestling") that a brutal string of murders
have befallen certain members of the TNA locker room! And the surreal
part? All evidence at the moment points to one man: THE
MONSTER, ABYSS!
Normally, it'd have been Sonny Siaki, but he left the company two years
ago. Glad we cleared that up.
Anyway,
apparently, it all started with the strange appearance
of the woman who
may or may not be the MOTHER of Abyss, on this past Thursday's episode
of Impact. We all saw it for ourselves. The woman seemed to
have some
sort of hold or power over the hulking masked maniac. It was
obvious. And well, since this was no doubt a
completely original story,
as never throughout all of history, in any forms
of entertainment, especially movies, and especially not 25 years ago,
and especially not produced by Paramount Studios, has
there EVER been a
quasi-retarded giant masked maniac who does the
mindless bidding of his
mother, who then subsequently eradicates
people without conscience. Not
ever. So, you see, I JUST HAD to investigate, and head down
to Orlando and witness the unfolding of this macabre
tale for myself.
These were my findings:
After
getting lost several times, I eventually found myself on the outskirts
of Orlando, in what appeared to be quaint vacation community. As I got
closer to the home arena of TNA, I was suddenly stopped by a
cherubic
gentleman, with a very large face, a booming voice, and an almost
annoying enthusiasm for even the most trivial
of things. He went on to
warn me not to proceed, because as he put it "TNA has a death curse",
and if I was to trek on even further, I would most
certainly find
myself dead. But not before receiving free tickets
for a 5 hour block
of television. It was a tough call.
From
there, he filled me in on an interesting tidbit of information, all
whilst trying to maniacally pedal useless baseball cards to me between
sentences. What he told me was, some 30 years ago, a woman named
"Pamela Abyss", worked as a cook for the Carter family. And while on
Summer vacation here in Orlando, the camp councilors, hired to watch
her young son Abyss, were off "exploring one another";
and left to his
own devices, young Abyss, who was somewhat
of a misfit, and had no
friends (although that was probably due to the fact that any time a
child ran in his direction he'd catch them with one arm and twirl them
through the air, violently slamming them on the ground), eventually
wandered off, and unfortunately found himself falling
onto about ten thousand thumbtacks! What a completely random pillowcase
full of thumbtacks would be doing in the woods is anyone's
guess.
Completely bizarre. Randomly under a wrestling ring?
COMPLETELY
PRACTICAL.
In
any event, Pamela Abyss was subsequently driven to madness over the
tragedy. And while her son Abyss wasn't killed per se, it did take her
some 2 hours to pick all the tacks out; and as a result, her evening
plans were completely ruined. She swore revenge ever since....
Anyway,
as I left the man, I eventually moved closer to the
Impact Zone, (seen
right) when suddenly, I saw an obviously distraught
Abyss exit the
premises, with blood on his hands! I quickly headed
inside in
anticipation of the brutal crime scene that likely awaited me. And I'm
not lying when I say that I bore witness to perhaps
the most upsetting, grotesque spectacle I could
possibly ever
imagine. And once I passed the morbidly obese Jeff Hardy fan
that was
once a TNA regular, I saw the crime scene for myself. Among the victims
I saw were Brother Ray of 3D, and the majority of the X-Division,
including Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal & Chris Sabin who
were seemingly
left in pieces. However, seconds later, they all arose as if nothing
had happened, and continued wrestling. I later questioned them on why
they chose to not sell "death", and Sabin spoke up,
while taping his
head back onto his torso with duct-tape: "Jeff Jarrett doesn't want us
to sell it. He wanted our demise to be like a
videogame. We still have
two lives left." Strange indeed.
As I moved
on, I found myself in the main eventer's locker room. Strewn about the
room were the remains of Christian, Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash, who
unlike the others, had his limbs
apparently just fall off without any contact. Strange.
The
only man standing amongst the sea of corpses was Kurt Angle. I then
tapped him on the shoulder to see if he could tell me what he saw; but
he quickly turned around and grabbed me by the shirt collar and said
"Are you Chuck Liddell?". I answered "No". He then said "How about Tito
Ortiz?" I once again answered "No". He then said "Good. Then
I won't
have to kill you. Both. Simultaneously." I then questioned him as to
what had happened to the others, and how was it that he
was still alive, while everyone else in the room was dead. He then
shockingly replied "Sean; I'm not going to lie to you. They
tell me I actually passed away in 2003. But I'm just not buying it. I
mean, I won a gold medal with a broken freakin' neck! So what's a
"pulse"?". Just then, he suddenly paused, looked me up and
down awkwardly, and once again inquired if I was Chuck Liddell.
It
was at this point, I figured that if I was going to get any answers, it
would be from the one man who could be counted on to make
sense out of
this whole thing: Vince Russo. And yes, this is the only time in
history that sentence could ever be applicable.
When
I entered his office, I saw him cowering in the corner,
hiding. I
assured him it was safe, and asked him what was going on. He
said the
whole thing started when he had Abyss's mother decapitated at the TV
Tapings, so they could put her head in a mystery box for a
four corner
pole match at Lockdown. He said Abyss then went crazy and started
killing people. And not in the way he
had
originally booked. HE WAS SHOOTING. He thinks. He can't remember. All
he remembered was, in his original
script, everyone started off completely safe outside the
arena, and
then the first wrestler to run into the death trap
and be killed by
Abyss, would move on in the tournament and get a bye into the
3rd
round. "I don't know what could have possibly gone
wrong. It all made
perfect sense when I wrote it." he said. Just then, a huge
machete
barreled down upon his head, seemingly killing him. I jumped
back in
horror, only for Russo to start laughing and pointing, saying "SWERVE!
Got ya kid! I'm not really dead!" I then replied, "Oh thank god." But
before I could continue he bellowed out "SWERVE! Haha. Ok, I
really am
dying. I just said that I wasn't because it makes for some good
television. I mean, everyone
might say
that it was dumb for Vince Russo to let himself be killed, but you're
still talking about it, right? Right?". He then died. For real. I think.
Just
then I heard a scream. It was Christy Hemme. I ran into the room to see
her fending off Abyss with a large pitchfork, desperately struggling
for her life. In the distance, I could hear the director telling
her she still had 4 more commercial bumpers to record "before
she even
thinks about doing something selfish like dying". It was just
then
that STING emerged from the ceiling, wearing a blue wool
turtleneck
sweater!
"Abyss!
Listen to your mother, the Stinger! ..Err, Not Stinger...your Mother,
whatever her name is!"
he bellowed. Abyss turned around, mesmerized by the 250 pound mime who
was the spitting image of his headless mother. It was uncanny. Except
for all the complete differences. Unfortunately,
though, before I
could see what would happen, I felt a tug at my sleeve. It was Jeff
Jarrett, dragging the lifeless body of Christian Cage towards
the ring.
He then threw me a referee's shirt and said, "Quick. Put this on. If
I'm gonna be World Champion again, we're gonna have to
do this fast!"
One three count later, I was quickly and mysteriously escorted
from the
building, never knowing just what
had happened, only being allowed to
stop briefly to step on a machete sticking out of a still
very-much-alive-at-the-time Kip James. It was worth it.
Anyway,
I wish there was more I could tell you here. Sadly, we may
never know what really happened. Or care.
THE END.
Or is it?!...
(It is. I swear. Thank God.).