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BREAKING NEWZ~!

HULK HOGAN ATTENDS ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S FUNERAL...MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE? (BRUTHER)

 
Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern, Baba G. Booey, Virgie Arthur, Bea Arthur and several hundred more of Anna Nicole Smith's closest friends and family paid their last respects to the former Playboy model in a private ceremony at Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau earlier today. Among those in attendance was former professional wrestler HULK HOGAN.  When pressed for comments on his relationship with the late (but let's face it, she's never going to arrive) Anna Nicole, Hulk Hogan stated in his words, that even though he didn't know Anna well, it was a huge shame he never had the opportunity to bodyslam her when she was at her heaviest body-weight; citing that anybody who's anybody in the world of the morbidly obese has been scooped up and launched in the air at the (orange) hands of the Stark Ravin' Hulkster. From there, Hulk was said to ruffle a few  (boa) feathers by draping a huge red & yellow banner of himself over Anna's casket, replacing the 24x36" photo of Anna with a likeness of himself, before insisting on posing for upwards of 8-10 minutes, while an organ version of Real American was awkwardly played by the church's Sunday morning pastor....
 
 
 
 The evening was said to get even weirder from there as The Hulkster apparently
 insisted on pinning every mourner in attendance before they could leave the church, and then wasted upwards of forty five minutes straight awkwardly and tediously shaking various people's hands, as he cautiously looked around for approval. When questioned why he exhibited such bizarre behavior, Hogan retorted that "funeral's make me uneasy, dude" before stating that he's personally bore witness to more burials than he cared to remember; before strangely uttering "Of course, those dudes couldn't even draw a bingo hall. As if I'd put them over, bruther". Strange indeed.
 
However, THERE IS BREAKING NEWS on the Hogan/Anna front. Inside sources have recently revealed to me, that there may be more to Hogan's appearance at the former TrimSpa (who are said to be tickled pink at just how much weight she's been able to lose in the last month while representing their product) spokesperson's memorial service earlier yesterday. Apparently, there is a huge break in the ongoing mystery as to how Anna died, and get this, HULK HOGAN may soon be officially named as  the PRIME SUSPECT in the investigation, based on some new startling evidence:
 
The following photo was apparently snapped moments before Anna Nicole Smith was whisked away to the hospital, before eventually expiring. The photo depicts a large, orange-skinned man, crushing the fallen Anna with the Atomic Legdrop. Despite the fact no signs of a face were visible; due to the sheer vibrancy of the individuals orange-palette, Authorities immediately suspected George Hamilton, but soon ruled him out because he was spotted being coated completely in Rustoleum at a Los Angeles Body Shop at the exact moment the incident transpired. This immediately left Hulk Hogan as the lead suspect. However, even more coincidences began to pile up soon after....
 
 
 
....when The Hulkster was spotted at the scene, as Anna's lifeless body was being wheeled out of the hospital. This was enough for authorities to begin to dig deeper into their possible connection. According to some sources, there are serious rumors circulating that Hulk Hogan and Anna Nicole (whose real name is Vickie-Lynn HOGAN~!) were SECRETLY WED, and Hulk himself may be the FATHER of the infant Dannielynn! And when Anna allegedly threatened to reveal the secret parentage to the world, a huge argument broke out between the two, as Anna made the unfortunate mistake of ripping off the crucifix necklace from around Hulk's neck in an act of ultimate betrayal, before foolishly trying to punch Hulk more than then two consecutive times in the face. I think we all can guess what happened next.
 
However, at this moment, Hogan is blatantly refusing to take a paternity test, even going so far to debunk relationship rumors with Anna entirely by insisting that he could NEVER be associated with a bleach-blond, washed up b-level celebrity, who's best years were at least a decade ago; and whose only real accomplishment was tearing their shirt off. "How could I ever be with a person obviously clinging to the underbelly of fame by participating in horribly fake reality TV series? I just couldn't respect myself, bruther." said Hogan.
 
In the interim, a battery of tests are being performed on the infant to build a case of possible paternity against the Hulkster, until he mans up and submits a DNA sample to clear his name. Those "tests" apparently include subjecting young Dannielynn to having close friends/relatives suddenly betray her, and seeing if indeed she ignorantly forgives them once again, only to see it happen repeatedly.
 
"It just has to be Hogan's kid" an anonymous Nanny said. "Dannielynn always refuses to lay flat on her back for more than 2 seconds." she revealed. Before stating "It's too bad we can't say the same thing about her mother".
 
More on this BREAKING (Broken?) story as it unfolds!
 
I'm Sean.
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).