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THIS JUST IN~!:
IT'S A HARDY-KNOCK LIFE FOR ME.
 
Poor Jeff Hardy. As if his life didn't have enough problems this week, this (swanton) bomb dropped. His House burned to the ground. Apparently, his brother Matt saw smoke, and called V-9-One one-ah!, but it was too late. It still burned to the ground. What a cruel Twist of Fate. You know, because that's what he calls his finisher and irony and all that, and ya.
 
Now, *some* people might make jokes about all those chemicals in his basement meth lab being bound to ignite eventually, and that it's a shame he's not going to be winning the Money In The Bank this year because that briefcase would probably be what he'd be living out of right now, but holy shit, I just did. And I feel terrible about it. The poor guy has lost everything he owned apparently. Truly Priceless things like 3000 shredded women's leg warmers, and this one-of-a-kind irreplaceable art masterpiece. There'll never be another like it again. Plus, if that wasn't bad enough, the poor guy's dog also died in the fire. Seriously. So, for those of you counting, he's lost his job (for now), his house AND his dog. Fuck JR's claims that he lives a "rock star lifestyle", I'll be damned if that ain't a country music star's lifestyle! If his girlfriend also leaves him, he's a shoe-in for Country Music Superstardom! Achy Breaky Hardy? Maybe.
 
But seriously, I will not kick this man while he's down. Much. I really like Jeff and desperately hope he gets his life back on track. I'm serious. AND I'M DOING MY PART. I have looked into this blaze, and with my own personal fire expert, who has experience in setting blazes and in turn murdering his parents in a not-at-all confusing disputed back-story, and who for the sake of his true identity, we'll just call THE UNDERTAKER, together, we have discovered a possible culprit in the fire. I mean, who'd have a vested interest in potentially having Jeff Hardy never return? (Come on, YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING...).

 
Clearly, I'm going to hell. But you're coming with me for reading this.
 
Seriously, though, good luck, Jeff. I'm not really a heartless prick. I just play one on the Internet.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).