THIS JUST IN~!
HULK HOGAN ROBBED~! 24 Inch Pythons Said To Be Flailing
is reporting that the Hulkster's Miami Beach home was robbed of $100,000 worth of jewelry and possible other items sometime
last night. This comes right during their move to another home, bruther.
Some of the pricey gems that have gone missing
include a diamond-encrusted watch and two gold chains. (and a giant crucifix for a heel to break Hulk's heart by callously
tearing it from his swollen orange chest.).
Sources close to the Hogan's (Brutus Beefcake, hiding in the bushes) tell
TMZ that the family was in the middle of moving to a new Hulk-palace when they discovered that the jewelry was gone. Yes,
you read that first part right. Hogan was actually WORKING. Man, I know it's just boxes, but this might be
the first time in history Hulk was CARRYING anything! Usually, it's the other way around! Ahem.
As is usually the case, my infinite sources here at TWF are on the scene, and have this
latest breakthrough. The following security camera photo (seen below) was snapped earlier last evening. Rumors are also
persisting that when a possible escape route was denied, the burglar's unknown accomplice suggested tunneling a new route.
The main Burglar then responded with a timely "Oh yeah... Dig it.". And dug it they did. The Burglar remains at large
as we speak, and in possession of some 3000 dew rags and/or weightlifter's belts. The story we're being told at the moment
is the entire sordid affair could have possibly been avoided had Hulk Hogan just "been a man". More on this story as
****BREAKING DEVELOPMENT~!:We have
just learned from Hulk himself that there were apparently five hundred robbers, and each weighed in excess
of 700 pounds. The good news is that it is now being reported that Hulk may have BODYSLAMMED
one of the culprits, so it is highly expected that said thief will die sometime this week.(The precedent for instant demise
via scoop-slam was set in 1987 after Wrestlemania 3.). Rumors are also circulating that Vince McMahon may
have witnessed the actual IDENTITY of the robber in question, but for some reason refuses to admit his existence.
Strange. More on this story as it develops!
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).