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Back-Leg Frontkick: (09/23/04): September 2004! Featuring Chronic Jeff Jarrett, Heidenreich For Dinner, Hulk Hogan Hype, The Death Of WCW- "Russo Style!", New Gimmicks For Randy Orton, The Debut Of "Bullshit", Eddie Guerrero Gone Loco, The Raw Report Card, The Ultimate Collection Of Warrior Insults,  And Gene Snitsky Makes Your Pro Choice For You! All This Plus Much More!
 
Hello once again, I’m Sean and this is the Back-Leg Frontkick….the column that’s a lot like a night of passion with a dirty, dirty prostitute… you never know what you’re gonna get! (A Virus? Maybe on both accounts!).
And with that said, what you may also “get” is a brand-spanking new Chris Benoit DVD for your collection of movies…. in addition to those unlabelled porn films that you think your girlfriend doesn’t know about. (She does! And thinks you have a small cock! Surprise!). Anyway, I’m calling this grand giveaway…..umm… the Chris Benoit… DVD…ummm…. GIVEAWAY! ...Yes! I like it! Genius!

See, for your loyalty to this site, and for not reporting me to the police those few times, I thought it time I reward *you*, the little people (grow already!) with a gift that may or may not just be an extra copy I got as a gift myself and don't need and never paid for but boy do you deserve something! Ahem. So, all you have to do is email me HERE and tell me what it is that you like about the Wrestling Fan.com, and where you keep your money, and your name will go into a fishbowl to be drawn, while the fish will DIE for your by gawd selfishness. The winner that is drawn will then receive said Benoit DVD by mail/carrier pigeon, complete with a Benoit-esque snot-bubble blown onto it for dramatic effect. Benoit would want it that way. While lamenting the fact that he can't ever actually sign anything because his hand can't reach the page.

So, enter now! This will likely never happen again! Check outside to see if the moon's red, because I'm spending money! (on S& H, anyway). This DVD is awesome. In fact, if it was a woman, I’d probably make sweet, sweet love to it/disappoint it greatly. It’s that awesome! Then I'd call it Woman. As Chris does his. Somewhere this makes sense. Edmonton, Alberta Atlanta, Georgia? Perhaps.

Headlines:
 
You know the drill. The *real* sites report the news…I steal it…and then make light of it because I secretly mask my own insecurities through criticism of others! Huzzah!
 
He's The One With All The  Smoke Around Here…

Jeff Jarrett ran into an incident at the airport in Nashville last Sunday. Nashville Airport's Manager of Public Affairs and Communications Kelly Watson states that a clear pipe was found in Jarrett's luggage. The airport confiscated the pipe and let Jarrett proceed with his travels (strutting no doubt stiltedly). Jarrett told airport security that he had no idea how the pipe got in his bag/why WCW made him Champion 6 times.

I guess all that time he spent with Brian Lawler, and all the programs he had with Scott Hall and X-Pac are finally rubbing off on him. Literally. Through Osmosis. I don't know if Jeff can even spell that, though. He stopped caring about phonics after he learned to tediously spell his own name. Can't say I b-l-a-m-e him.

That said, Dave Meltzer is reporting that in all likelihood this is just a “rib” (that, or Jeff Hardy grabbed the wrong duffle bag that night) by some of the other wrestlers. A “rib”, though? Seriously? Come on. Whatever happened to shitting in a guy’s gym towel, throwing his clothes out the window, or raping his wife? You know, the classics. Personally, If I was Jeff, I don’t think I’d “get” the joke when the “rib” could land me jail time…. and a new “program” with a 300 pound black guy, who unlike a free/non-menacingly gay Monty Brown, won’t be the one “laying down” for him. Nice friends you got there, Jeff.  True comedy. “Haha, you guys are hilarious! 50 pounds of rock cocaine in my Gym bag?! You guys are the BEST! You got me! You really got me this time! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go spend the rest of my life in prison. Really, really funny rib, though”….

Still though, it is kind of funny to picture Jarrett as chronic, although that might explain some of these shows lately. I mean, can you even make a bong out of a balsa wood guitar? And speaking of the guitar, I'm almost saddened to hear that this pipe was found in his actual luggage, and not the guitar itself. Why not? Maybe that's why it turns into a fine mist every time he smashes it on someone's head? IT'S PACKED WITH ANGELDUST! And not just really fake and made of confetti and not-at all how guitars shatter. 

However, at least he's keeping good spirits about this whole thing. You have to give Jeff credit there. No, seriously. Legit credit. TNA's in the hole like 15 million dollars!  He could really use your help! Every dollar counts! They have maybe enough for bail and to feed a few guys in the X-Division.
 
Ok. I'm done.
 

Stop calling me Brother, Bruther!


In an article on MTV.com, Hulk Hogan finally responded to Randy Savage's challenge (BE A MANNNNN, HULK!) from a year ago to wrestle him one more time. (or whatever it would be technically that they attempt to do out there).


"Every time I wrestle Mach, I beat him up pretty bad," said Hogan. "I heard he's having a pretty tough time. If he can get a little oil in that wheelchair and get those legs pumped up — because those legs are about the size of my arms — I'll beat Macho Man up one more time. But this time it won't be so hard. God bless Miss Elizabeth, she's not here, so I'll just beat Macho up for free. No big deal."


Ya. I can only imagine how much better a fist-fight between two fledgling half-crippled ancient bald dudes in bandanas and weightlifter's belts could be if in fact the woman one of them divorced 12 years ago and since wants nothing to do with him was standing their watching. I guess she should just thank Lex Luger for sparing her the gut-wrenching torture of having to choose a side this time. NEUTRAL CORNER FROM THE PEARLY GATES. 


This part, though, broke me up: "Every time I wrestle Mach, I beat him up pretty bad". Oh Ya? (Ohhhh Yeahhhhhhhh!), that Hulkster was always known for working a little too stiff…I can’t tell you how many careers that LEG DROP probably ended, bruther.


Seriously though, who is Hogan kidding? His “offense” couldn’t crack a fucking egg, ( and then put it in a blender with 30 others for protein), let alone hurt a man, a macho man,  who’s probably dreamt of killing the Hulkster for the last ten years, just because he thought that the Orange Goblin likely violated Miss Elizabeth with his umm, “6 Inch Python”. And you know what? I think might want to kill a guy whom I thought was sticking his radiated member in my wife, too. Whilst celebrating post-coital with a 15 minute posedown that  likely lasts longer than the act itself.


Anyway, the article also talks about how Sean "P. Diddy" Combs then challenged Hogan to a match for $1 million recently, but then declined, when Hogan quickly went to accept/bodyslam fatter members of his immediate family.


"I know a million dollars ain't that big of a hit to him. So if he's gonna get beat up, he might as well make it a hundred million dollars. I can't ever lose in front of my daughter. But I've got a lot of respect [for P. Diddy]. I saw him run for those kids in New York. So it's all good. If it's a million dollars for the kids, if he wants to put that up, I'll let him beat me."
 

I just love listening to Hulkster “shoot”. It’s almost comical really the way he toggles between reality and fantasy. And not on the account of hallucinogens like me. But then again, this is a guy who wears a bandana, tear away shirt and fucking red spandex pants, complete with a work out belt, to the movies and to do his fucking groceries. So credibility isn't exactly his strongest suit. That'd be slamming fat foreigners who are bad because they love their own country and customs, for the record. (booooo!)


And The P.Diddy thing is ridiculous. What strikes me funny though is that all these public appearances are supposed to be for his daughter Brooke’s benefit, but somehow Hulk keeps turning the spotlight back directly onto his huge glistening orange dome.


And 100 million dollars to “wrestle P.Diddy? Come on, Hulk. I can just see the hyperbole now: “I remember the time I bodyslammed that 700 pound Puff Daddy, dude. Tore all the muscles in back, man! But those 500,000 screaming Hulkamaniacs in the Silverdome, they got me through, Bruther! Then I slammed him, Brah, I felt the earth open up, and the sea turned to blood! Then he died three days later, bruther. And that's a shoot...”.


So, there you go. Hulk Hogan will only wrestle and lose to P. Daddy ideally if 100 million dollars is at stake. Who knew fucking Dr. Evil was booking this thing?


Dinner is Served.The Match The World Has Been Waiting For..... Maybe...Someone?



Sources indicate that The Undertaker vs. John Heidenreich match will now take place at Survivor Series. (None of us are scheduled to survive). The match was *originally* scheduled to take place at Unforgiven, but WWE opted to give Heidenreich some more time in the ring. By that logic though, Heidenreich's debut should have been set for Survivor Series 2044. He'd still need a little work, sure, but at least he wouldn't embarrass himself too badly.


That all said, truth is, I’ve actually been dying to see Heidenreich Vs. Undertaker…a REAL Undertaker, that is. Preparing his lifeless body for his final resting place. Or maybe I just wanted to use that joke. Maybe.


Ah, I kid. But still, Heidenreich? God. To me, Heidenreich represents the last relic of the hopefully by-gone era of talentless big-men who get hired and then pushed just because they’re big and have a good “look”.  And  therein lies the problem for me. With Heidenreich, I don’t even think you get the latter. Basically, Heidenreich looks like he’s taken a few spins in the Industrial microwave, leaving him so leathery, that he by comparison makes Ric Flair look like a pristine newborn baby. There's slabs of fucking Pemmican out there less sun-fucked than this guy.


To me, and maybe this is just me, when Heidenreich comes to the ring, all browned and oily, I always get the disturbing visual of a Thanksgiving turkey - or at the very least one of those hot dogs in the 7-11 that revolve in that dish at the front counter that no one dares eat. (but me. If only for the amazing, amazing colors.). And as much as I try, I just cannot get behind a man who looks like he’d be better off being served with mashed potatoes and some heavy gravy, than “wrestling”. Am I the only one hungry?


So, think about that next time you see Heidenreich wrestle/whatever that is supposed to be out there. And when Taker pins him at Survivor Series (which actually started off as the THANKSGIVING night tradition! Sweet Irony!) try and picture him laying in some tomatoes and lettuce, as people gives thanks, pass the cranberry jelly, and pull pieces of giant cherry-red underoos out of their stuffing. I guarantee you won’t be able to watch one of his matches the same way again - and that Thanksgiving will be ruined. Hey, is that a shoot-fighting glove in Mom's apple pie? There you go.

Hey, Man, Good To See You Again.

Big news from backstage.....


Paul Heyman was backstage at RAW tonight. He told people that he was there to present new ideas, will work RAW again next week, but that he was a member of the Smackdown writing team. This seems to indicate that Heyman is keeping his exact role to himself, or that he actually doesn't know what his exact role will be. Speculation had come up regarding Heyman returning to the creative team with the recent release of Tom Prichard and hiatus of Bruce Prichard, as well as the recent low ratings for RAW and Smackdown.


Dave Lagana remains the head writer of Smackdown with Brian Gewirtz as the head writer of RAW.


Huh, if all of a sudden we see Justin Credible as WWE Champion, I guess we’ll know Paul’s taken things too far…


Seriously, though, if this story is true, this is huge news for WWE creative….or is it?


Of all the names mentioned, and with Vince apparently “now realizing” that the creative needs some work, (I heard the sun is hiring. Send them there), what’s really changed? I mean, Gerwirtz and Lagana still have their positions, and more than likely Stephanie is still “head” of creative; so, what’s going to change? Really? It’s simply a matter of too many “cooks” in the kitchen ... cooks all likely preparing Steph huge amounts of food - ( LULZ SHE'S FAT!).


Heyman’s a great idea man, no doubt, but his ideas have never been accepted when they’ve been filtered through a committee of people, who more often than not, have their own ideas or agenda. Like seducing Kevin Fertig in a bathroom stall. Or maybe I'm just tired of seeing the pushing of identical 6'5" dudes with crew-cuts and boxed tights and SPINEBUSTERS. Dear god do they bust-spines. It's tremendously exciting.


However, the fact that Vince wants to now overhaul the “creative” makes no sense, because the people who’ve caused all the damage are still firmly entrenched in their roles. Releasing certain underlings while still keeping the same people on top, is comparable to having a sore shoulder and amputating your fingers to try and fix it. WWE needs to get at the root, and unfortunately that root is a couple of clueless burned out TV writers… and “Daddy’s little girl”. The latter of which is not going anywhere, unfortunately. Believe me, I've tried. You'd think a target that huge wouldn't be so hard to miss...


It’s sad, too, because when Vince broke into the business, it’s said that he desperately wanted to be one of the wrestlers, but his father ruled against it, because he just didn’t see it in Vince. Unfortunately, the same kind of wisdom is not seen in Vince junior here, as he continuously  throws Steph a bone (probably literally, if him checking out her giant cans were any indication) despite her having ABSOLUTELY ZERO experience as a writer beforehand. The excuse always given is “she’s been around the business all her life”. Ya? Well, so was David Flair and Erik Watts….and much like Steph, they too were said to have “wrestling in their blood”.  They just must all have had bad circulation, I guess. Dear god.
 
It’s the same case with Steph, however. She’s a moderately entertaining TV character is small doses, and whilst I masturbate to her respectfully,  as a writer, she’s stinks worse than a Hobo's taint . If she was anyone but Vince’s daughter, she’d have been shit-canned years ago.  That's the truth. Only in wrestling can you have someone incredibly under-qualified for a job, who then proceeds to stink up the joint, and THEY THEN FIRE THE TALENT AND BLAME THEM FOR NOT GETTING OVER. Anyone else see the lack of logic there? That's like  arresting the victim of a drunk-driver because they didn't know to get the fuck out of the way. (Believe me, I've tried.).


If Vince is truly serious about changing the creative direction, he needs to REALLY CHANGE IT. Not give us shit and tell us it’s ice cream. (Worst summer of my life). Or, not give us TABOO TUESDAY, and tell us it's umm, Wrestlemania? (despite how revolutionary it is! YOU HAVE THE POWER!).  Let Heyman take a crack at creative completely. I mean, why not? He once convinced me that the Musketeer, The Prodigy and The Prodigette were not like the most worthless concepts ever. He's a talented fellow. It only took him 2 weeks to make me believe that Aldo Montoya was a World Champion to be reckoned with, while I *still* don't buy Diesel. Holy shit. Had this guy been around during the 30's, Hitler would have spared the Jews, because Heyman would have convinced him that there was more money to be made in keeping them around (before taking it to film Rollerball). I mean, if Justin Credible can be  Champion of our entire planet, then by god, he'd stop the Holocaust! Because well, one is the most completely sorrowful, upsetting, and disturbingly vile idea ever perpetrated on the human race, and the other was the decimation of the Jews.


He Lies...on the floor, unconscious...
 
Looks like another health issue for Eddie....


Eddie Guerrero "went blank" during his match at the Smackdown taping last night and appeared to be injured. He seemed to have his mind somewhere else. This all seems to be stress related, possibly heightened due to his home being severely affected by the Hurricane in Florida. Guerrero has had episodes like this in the past.


HOW DO WE KNOW THIS IS NOT ALL A LIE? IT'S IN HIS CREDO!  CAREFUL EMT'S, A SMALL PACKAGE WITH A HANDFUL OF TIGHTS COULD BE COMING.
 
And, oh ya, I’d be stressed too if Gregory Helms was destroying my home! …Oh wait, ya, you mean a real Hurricane. Umm sorry.  What can I say? I live in a wrestling bubble. Moops.

All kidding aside, terrible, terrible, unfunny kidding, this kind of sucks for Eddie. Almost as much as being booked for a program with Luther Reigns. That's the kind of shit that straightens a dude out fast, luckily, however. I've been clean for 35 minutes just thinking about it.
 
Anyway, if you believe everything you read on the net, (and how could you not with guys with reputable net-handles like ASTEROID BOY telling you the “Big News”?!) you’d be led to believe that Eddie has absolutely zero stress level, and really can’t seem to handle a lot of pressure. However, he’s still the best wrestler on Smackdown, so what do you do? Give him time off to mentally heal, and fill the void with more Orlando Jordan matches? Dear god, sometimes the mental well-being of people have to take a backseat! If in fact Low-Riders have back seats.

It’s actually a strange situation. Still though, maybe it’s just me, but I think I’d still rather watch Eddie Guerrero black out for five minutes and maybe kill someone in the ring as a result, than say, watch an able bodied Mark Jindrak expose the business and make me want to kill myself. Is that wrong? Why can’t the terrible wrestlers be the one's that have the mental issues? And is there was to give them some?


Although, maybe this whole "blacking out" thing is a growing epidemic? Maybe there's something in the water? Mexican water that makes you shit and maybe even catch hepatitis. And maybe that's why HHH only drinks from bottles. I don't know. (really, I don't!). Maybe for the last six months, the SmackDown creative team has also been blacking out completely? It makes sense if you think about it. I mean, who in their right mental state would push Jon Heidenreich? Quick, Prozac for everyone! And if that doesn't work, someone break out the fucking Dr. Kellogg Electro-shock machine! We need to save this brand/some delicious corn-based cereal!


Undertaker: Dressed To Kill....Literally.


WWE is allowing the Undertaker and John Cena to not follow the controversial WWE dress code that has upset many wrestlers for the past few weeks. 'Taker doesn't have to follow due to his long standing position in the company and the fact that he is one of the top guys. Word is that Cena doesn't have to follow it because management feels that a dress code would strongly conflict with his character. Of course, many wrestlers have complained that the dress code conflicts with their character, but have not been given permission to not follow it.


So, your trying to say that Deadmen don’t wear comfortable and stylish clothing? That’s really too bad. Personally, I’m convinced that had Jason Voorhees worn a cardigan and some smart slacks, instead of a shredded pair of slimy coveralls, he wouldn’t be compelled to slaughter so many teenage camp councilors, because the clothes would give him a newfound sense of importance and heightened self-worth.


All kidding aside, I guess it *would* be kind of hard to convey any sort of gimmick consistency when you see a man like Undertaker, who purportedly portrays a zombie for a living, wearing a pink polo shirt.


However, Undertaker and Cena aren’t the only ones who’s gimmicks don’t exactly mesh with stylish dress. I mean, guys like Kane, Rosey and Tyson Tomko aren’t exactly your standard “Big and Tall” shoppers, so why subject them to this stupid rule? And wouldn't a suit like totally expose Rosey's SECRET IDENTITY? Unlike still calling himself ROSEY? I fear to think what would happen if certain arch-criminals got that information.


And besides, do Undertaker's shoot-fighting gloves even go with a sweater vest? What does Mr. Blackwell say about that? Mr. Crusher Blackwell.

Say it Ain't so...

 Is the Diva Search really fixed? It could be....


- WWE does have the right to fix the Diva Search contest if they want. The fine print of the contest rules states that they reserve the right to change the rules of the contest at any time and can change how the winners are selected/how often they have to give head. The wording of the contest rules basically leaves room for WWE to run the contest however they want, except entertainingly. [PWTorch.com]

And as if Coach’s selling of Carmella’s “offense” on Raw last Monday didn’t give that away. I mean, Christie had to leap onto Coach’s back, then bite him on the ass (A move not seen since Pat Patterson stopped going over matches in the back) before forcefully riding him down to the canvas. Yet, he sells Carmella’s punches, like he was hit by a truck? There’s suspension of disbelief, then there’s fucking stupidity. Although, If I knew this was a chick who in all likelihood at some point jacked off Mini Me at the Playboy Mansion, I too would be avoiding those soup bones at all costs.

But still, umm, WWE LIED TO US! THIS THING MAY NOT BE ON THE UP AND UP! I feel like totally violated. Almost as much as the way my eyes and ears have been raped during the last 6 weeks. I don't know who to trust anymore. Because if this contest could be FIXED, then that might open the door to the possibility that this entire industry is rigged and predetermined. And you know, I just can't face that...

Red Neck, Pink Slip.


WWE.com posted this statement about Jamie Noble:


World Wrestling Entertainment and Jamie Noble have parted ways. WWE would like to wish Noble all the best in his future endeavors, and hope that he sincerely grows 7-8 inches in height, just because.

I for one always liked Jamie Noble. His mat based style was always a good change of pace in the spot heavy cruiserweight division. His work to me was always reminiscent of Chris Benoit. Only with arms that don't start at his armpits. But you know, why keep a guy like Noble around when you can bring back 500 pound guys who wrestle in trash bags? WWE is just thinking about the future! The kind where humanity is broken and tanks crush skulls.

To me, this is the ultimate irony. The WWE has once again chalked up another victim of their ever growing list of “don’t have anything for you creatively” list. And to me that’s absurd. Like cat's with people's names! What is the point of calling yourself “creative”, when you convey about as much creativity as a mongoloid making a paper mache hat. I mean, to me, a group that has the audacity to call themselves “creative” should at least have a modicum of, I don’t know, creativity? That'd be like being A 60 year old billionaire with no training and calling yourself a wrestler. Oh.

Anyway, Noble now finds himself wandering out into the Indies, where he’ll hopefully make a name, while leaving the WWE’s cruiserweight division lighter than that one Olsen twin. And with that in mind, at this point, why doesn’t WWE just scrap the cruiserweight division altogether? There’s still a lot of talent there, sure, but they’re dropping fast/and with little psychology! Soon WWE’s cruiserweight division will return to the depths not seen since 1998 where you had just Taka Michanoku, and Pantera wrestling in long john underwear- an ensemble that's just asking for trouble with guys like Heidenreich & Bradshaw walking around backstage! (An actual ass-flap that unbuttons on your tights? Come on!).

So, ya, here’s to the WWE career of Jamie Noble Boy. You were the longest reigning WWE Cruiserweight champion ever, got it on with Nidia and Torrie….and Billy Gunn(?!) at the same time, tormented your blind girlfriend (and who hasn’t been there?), and somewhere along the line, decided to discard your pants altogether. (And I thought I was the only one!). Hats/pants off to you, man, and Good luck.
Penis.

Vato LocoGuerrero Warfare:

Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero got into a brawl backstage at Smackdown last night. The incident took place after the final segment of the show. The two came through the curtain and they exchanged words loudly. From there, it quickly escalated from verbal to physical.


Angle apparently grabbed Eddie in a face lock and took him down to the ground, incapacitating him, before being pulled off by Johnny Ace and some of the agents. Then, they apparently got into it again further in the back before getting broken up again. Vince McMahon reportedly spoke with both men about the incident before leaving the building.


It is said that Eddie missed his cue in the final segment, which made Kurt’s character look weak. Angle reportedly grew frustrated and told Eddie to basically get his head in the game, and it escalated from there into the brawl.

Vince McMahon did speak with Eddie Guerrero recently about how his stress level seems to be negatively impacting his work. Guerrero has been extremely moody and under pressure as of late, possibly one of the reasons why he got involved in a physical fight with Kurt Angle backstage at the Smackdown taping last night. [PWTorch.com]


I'm insisting this alleged "word exchange" went like this:


Kurt: "Hey, Eddie. Want some of my words?"
Eddie: "Sure, vato. But only if I can give you some of mine."
Kurt: "It's a deal!"
Eddie: "It's a trade!"
Kurt: "Exactly! An exchange, even!"
Eddie: "So... want to senselessly roll around and brawl for a few minutes?"
Kurt: "Sure!"


It happened just like that, I swear.


Anyway, I'm personally blaming Eddie's breakdown on the cumulative guilt he must feel for all the lying and cheating and stealing he does. Or not. But seriously, a physical fight? What, do they normally just fire shit at each other with telekinesis? (If you read last Spring's BLFK, the answer IS YES.).


Moving on:


Speculation that it was a work....


Some were speculating earlier today that the Kurt Angle/Eddie Guerrero fight that broke out backstage at the Smackdown taping last night was a work designed by Paul Heyman to create a buzz among the internet fans and hopefully create more interest in Smackdown. However, at this point, the fight does appear to have been legit.


WCW tried a staged shoot fight angle a few years back. They staged a backstage fight between Diamond Dallas Page and Buff Bagwell in hopes that it would spark interest in an on-air feud between the two. The program ended up being a flop. It also upset many wrestlers who did not like the fact that management swerved them.


There is no evidence that supports the Angle/Eddie fight being a work, just speculation at this point.


Word from backstage is that both Angle and Guerrero looked extremely upset during the fight and that it appeared to be very real and likely was.[Credit: 1wrestling.com]


You know, maybe the reason why "creating buzz" off a "worked" backstage fight didn’t work in WCW was because it was a fight with BUFF FUCKING BAGWELL?  'Cause you know, when I think of down and dirty fighters, I tend to not think of guys who have calf implants, shop for clothes at the same store as the fucking Cat in the Hat, and share road stories with their Mothers. And besides, I doubt said Mom would even allow Buff to  get into a legit fight. Now if it was Judy Bagwell throwing down, then maybe I'd buy it. If she's good enough to be one half of YOUR WCW Tag team Champions and carry her (large) load with Rick Steiner between those ropes, than you watch out.


Anyway, I don’t believe any of this for a second. As mentioned earlier, despite Eddie apparently channeling the Mr. Furious character from Mystery Men, I truly think he just needs a brief hiatus to get his shit together.  But if he does have to snap and kill somebody, start with all the tall clumsy guys in OVW. All 50 of them. I'll even buy you a ticket to Louisville.


100% Pure Whoop Ass


The National Enquirer is reporting that Tess Broussard, Steve Austin's ex-girlfriend, was arrested in January of 2003 for prostitution. She apparently met her prospective client at a hotel after meeting him on the internet. She arrived to the hotel with 113 condoms. Her client ended up being Sgt. Howieson of the Orange County Sheriff's Department. Broussard ended up pleading guilty and paying a $600 fine. She also got 10 days of community service, probation, and had to attend an AIDS awareness program. Broussard's attorney told the Enquirer that she was the "victim of an overzealous sting operation" and she only plead guilty to spare her family and friends the embarrassment of a trial.


Austin and Broussard recently got in an incident that saw Broussard apparently stab Austin's manager and get in a physical altercation with Austin himself. She claims that she was set up/Thesz-pressed.

113 condoms?!!! And they’re worried about AIDS awareness? THE BITCH HAD 113 CONDOMS! I think she’s pretty “aware”.

And my favorite part: “She plead guilty to spare her family and friends the embarrassment of a trial." Hey, here’s a suggestion: How bout trying not being a whore? And are your family and friends even capable of embarrassment at this stage of the game? Once you've  watched  a loved one ride a guy's belly button for 600 softcore films about hot tub repairmen, I think it's a little late to be bashful.

And she’s a victim of an illegal Sting operation? I KNEW IT. Oh that Sting! Always skulking around in the rafters, trying to right those wrongs!  Just butt-out already. NWO 4-Life.


NYC IS PARTS UNKNOWN!

From a press release:

The Ultimate Warrior Returns to New York City!  (and Earth!)


NEW YORK, NY---09/22/04--- Former WWE Champion The Ultimate Warrior will be making his first New York appearance in over 10 years on Saturday October 30th at 10:00 AM to sign autographs at the first ever Ringside Fest: A Tribute To Jakks Classic Superstars. The event will be held at Carolines On Broadway in Times Square presented by Ringside Collectibles. The signing will be followed by a Question and Answer session where fans will have the opportunity to ask The Ultimate Warrior questions about his legendary career.


The Ultimate Warrior is one of the most intense wrestling superstars of all time. From his classic match against Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI to his memorable encounter with Triple H at Wrestlemania 12, he is one of the most recognized and renowned wrestling superstars to this day.


For more information visit http://www.RingsideFest.com or call the Ringside Fest hotline at: 516-593-5413.


Ringside Collectibles, Inc. is the #1 on-line retailer of Jakks Wrestling Action Figures and collectibles.


CONTACT: Ringside Collectibles, Inc. / 516-593-5413 info@ringsidefest.com


This just may be the greatest thing EVER. You see, I’ve been feuding with the Warrior for a while now, only he just doesn’t know it yet! (Only I'm the one strangely puking involuntarily. This may be unconnected, however). And with that said, one of our readers in the NY area has to get to this thing and ask Warrior the “hard” (like a gay penis!) questions. You see, Warrior apparently is somewhat of a loose cannon, and I’d LOVE it if we could break him. (but only if there's no ropes near by.).

To that brave soul, however, try these:

1) I’m Mexican, I’m on Welfare, and I believe in higher taxes for the rich/face-painted. Can I still be a "Little Warrior"?

2) Destrucity? LOL! Sounds like a fucking made up word to me!

3) So, just curious, how did Hennig’s shit smell? (then produce a pail with Mr. Perfect's face on it and ask him to sign it).

4) I just bought Sgt. Slaughter’s colored WWF belt! How ya like dem apples?!

5) I accidentally traded your workout video for Gay porn. Actually didn't even notice until yesterday!

6) I remember illegally hopping the border to come see your matches back in the 90’s!

7) I think your hero Atlas was kind of a homo. I mean, a naked, squatting man with a ball on his head? If that’s not a metaphor for homosexuality, I don’t know what is!

8) So, it’s *ok* for straight guys to wear make-up?

9) Fidel Castro. What a great guy, eh?

10) So, why did you kill Davey Boy Smith?


Do this for me, and I will be a friend for life! Or, at least until I get sick of you. Whatever comes first.


WHO's HAAS? MY HAAS!

Man Of The Haas


WWE stars now engaged....


The Ottawa Sun reports that WWE stars Charlie Haas and Miss Jackie (Gayda) are now set to be married. Haas proposed to Gayda two weeks ago at her home after getting her father's blessings.


The full article is available
here.


Congratulations to the happy couple! And I hope you have the same successful loving marriages as many of your peers, like… Elizabeth and Randy…err.. Missy Hyatt & Eddie Gilbert? Nah.  Steve & Debra….ummm…  Bret & Julie, then?...Fuck!


Anyway, I had no idea that it was the 1800’s still, and Charlie had to get “Dad’s” permission. Does this "marriage" also entitle Charlie to a dowry of three thousand feathered boas, pink halter tops and whatever's left of Rico? And Isn’t the fact that Charlie lettered at Seton Hall good enough for this Father?! It damn well would be for Jim Ross’s daughters!  He'd have the dowry mule already beaten/bulk-mailed to the fucker's house.

That said, when thinking about this whole thing, I couldn’t help but picture Haas strapped into the lie-detector like in Meet the Parents - a test he'd likely pass with flying colors, UNIVERSITY COLORS EVEN, due to his apparent lack of full human emotion and tone. 
 
Jackie's Dad: "Ok, you don't have to be so stilted and robotic, Charlie, the machine's not even on yet."
Charlie: "What do you mean?"

TNA Is Not OK


Many backstage in TNA are actually happy about Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Sean Waltman possibly coming in to the promotion. The thinking is that those three will do what they always do, play a lot of politics and take some power away from Jeff Jarrett and Dutch Mantell. Most of the wrestlers are OK with just about anything if it takes Jeff Jarrett and Mantell away from the books.


Russo & Dutch Mantell, or, Nash/Hall & Waltman? Jesus, that’s like asking if you’d rather be shot or stabbed. They both hurt like hell, and you'll end up dead either way, but you've got to figure out which scenario enables you to have at least a few more moments of fleeting life.


That is a tough choice, though. And one I’d have to think long and hard about...


Hmmm, Hall & Waltman could probably score some better weed; *although*, Jarrett DID have that pipe in his bag, so who knows? And Mantell? Dude just doesn’t grow a ZZ Top beard like that without being under the influence of something, right?! Oh ya, my point was, umm, …oh ya, I don’t have one. But boy am I hungry.

VINCING WORDS


Apparently, in his new book, Jerry Jarrett told his son, Jeff, that reading  Vince Russo's TNA scripts were like "reading a book written by someone on LSD."  From there, Vince Russo caught wind of this BETRAYAL and posted the following rebuttal, in defense of his *ahem* "good name". However, since it is Vince Russo we're talking about, I have decided as a public service to those who don't speak fluent Bullshit, to go ahead and translate it on their behalf.

Here is Vince Russo's unedited post:


”Dear Marty,

I am completely taken back by your effort to defend me concerning Jerry Jarrett's e-mail. What an honor to have somebody spend that kind of time in your favor.


I thank Jerry Jarrett for making it crystal clear why I have come to despise the wrestling business over the past 12 years. Jerry's e-mail to Jeff clearly and matter-of-factly shows you first hand what kind of situations and individuals I have had to deal with throughout my career.


Let me just say it right now--I hate the wrestling business. The only thing that keeps me involved is all the young men and women in TNA who I truly care for. My interest is to counsel them and school them in a business that will just chew them up and spit them out . . . if they let it. My greatest joys come in this business today when I get to spend some quality time with the talent. This past Sunday AJ Styles and his wife invited me, my wife Amy and my daughter Annie to his church. It was the best time I had in the "wrestling business" in the past two years. To me--that's what it's all about.


I'm just sitting here stunned--trying to figure out what makes one individual discredit another. What? To me there is only one answer--again--tear others down=build yourself up.


I pray for Jerry Jarrett and I mean that. I hope one day he will be able to find the peace, love, happiness, contentment and joy in his heart that I have discovered in mine.


Please let Jerry's e-mail be a lesson to you all. If you can't share love . . . it's not worth sharing.


I thank you so much for remaining loyal. I appreciate the fact that you can see through it all and realize--WE WERE ENTERTAINED AT THE TIME AND THAT'S ALL WE EVER ASKED FOR.


You will always be family.


Vince”


And here it is TRANSLATED:


“Dear mark,


I don’t need your help defendin' me! I have SPALDINGS baby, HUGE SPALDINGS! Which are like balls, ya see, but a cooler, hipper way to say it. (ATTITUDE!).

I thank Jerry Jarrett for making it crystal clear why I have come to despise the wrestling business over the past 12 years. There's wrestling in it!
  
Let me just say it right now--I hate the wrestling business. The only thing that keeps me involved is all the young women in TNA who I truly care for, even though they won’t show their god damned tits! Not even by “accident”! I mean, sure, how do you explain Sable wearing a burlap potato sack all night, right? WRONG. You don't explain it. Ever.
Anyway, my interest is to counsel them until they do, and school them in a business that will just chew them up and spit them out…. then chew them up again! Ya! SWERVE! No one would see that coming!

My greatest joys come in this business today when I get to spend some quality time with the talent. This past Sunday Jimmy Yang and his wife invited me, my wife Amy and my daughter Annie to his church/Bodega. I didn’t go because no one will ever buy a foreigner as a wrestler! Telling him that we would never have anything for him, EVER, was the best time I had in the "wrestling business" in the past two years.  He has a small penis, too. But then again, don't all Asians? Maybe that's why they're always so angry and weld themselves into planes? I would!


I'm just sitting here stunned--trying to figure out what makes one individual discredit another. What? To me there is only one answer--again--tear others down=build yourself up. Especially Hulk Hogan…that Bald piece of shit!


I pray for Jerry Jarrett and I mean that. I hope one day he will "get it" and he’ll let me write a show everyone wants to see! Six words: "I’ll meet you in the Block!"


Please let Jerry's e-mail be a lesson to you all. If you can't share love . . . it's not worth sharing… Psyche! SWERVE!!!!! There is no love! You expected it, and that's why it's terrible.


I thank you so much for remaining loyal. I appreciate the fact that you can see through it all and realize--WE WERE ENTERTAINED AT THE TIME AND THAT'S ALL WE EVER ASKED FOR; ESPECIALLY GTV…THAT SHIT WAS JUST GOOD TV.


You will always be family, unless your Japanese…or Mexican…or any non-American.

Vince”.



Sounds about right.


And speaking of our Friend Vince....


WCW: The Russo Years

My friend R.D. Reynolds over at Wrestlecrap has a brand new book on the horizon called “The Death of WCW” where he and Observer fave Bryan Alvarez meticulously detail the demise of, at one time, North America’s TOP wrestling promotion, WCW. The book can be ordered HERE.

Anyway, this got me to thinking about one of my favorite periods in WCW for out and out “stinktitude” (tm. Edge & Christian): Vince Russo’s 1999-2000 tenure!


Now, I could *try* and spin the positives and say that at least under Russo’s leadership the company did utilize guys like Benoit, Bret Hart and Kidman, while shelving dinosaurs like Hogan, Savage and others…. but what fun would that be? (Not very! I'm an asshole!).


The legacy that Russo left in WCW, is one of a creative case of diarrhea. That being an absolute flow of non-stop shit. And the toilet paper is money, you see. MILLIONS. And in a way, I feel sort of sorry for Russo. He did desperately try to make people care about the mid-card acts, even ones that seemed a little familiar. A little too familiar if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, you always got the impression that you’d seen some of these gimmicks somewhere else before….


The time is October of 1999.  Vince Russo and writing partner Ed Ferrera had left the greener pastures of the then-WWF to jump ship --a ship headed right for an Iceberg, Bill's cousin-- to the struggling WCW, where more money and seemingly unlimited creative power await.  And you know, it really didn’t take them too long to make their mark. Right from the get go, you could see the stink of Russo in play as journeymen like Brad Armstrong were re-christened “Buzz-kill” and told to emulate his somewhat more famous brother Brian “Road Dogg” James. And they weren’t even subtle about the gimmick infringement either. Soon guys like Shawn Stasiak were given the ‘Mr. Perfect’ gimmick (while the actual item Curt Hennig was STILL under contract, no less), and Chuck Palumbo the handle of the new “Total Package,” - although, Chuck got out of that one before the urge to poison his fiancée came into play. And hey, with all his experience standing behind Billy Gunn, I imagine his Heimlich maneuver would be MASTERFUL. Score one more for the new Total package!


However, that all said, Russo would be ousted from power in early January of 2000, but would resurface several months later alongside Eric Bischoff, where the two would combine forces to assimilate into one wrestling credibility-destroying monster that would eventually sink the company into such depths that Vince McMahon himself was able to swoop in the next year and purchase the company for around 3 million dollars(!) - before then completely destroying it. Umm, ya. If Russo and Bischoff are the motherfuckers that sold the drugs to WCW, then I guess Vince McMahon is the Pimp that beat it to death, then fucked the body. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT VINCE.


Now, with that said, I’m going detail 5 of my *guilty pleasures* (in a car wreck sort of way) from this time period. And although Russo wasn’t *technically* at the helm for everything I’ll list, his spirit was there, (or was it? SWERVE!) because quite frankly, it was his previous booking that set the pace.


5) Return Of The Varsity Club.


In 1988, Kevin Sullivan assembled a clique of wrestlers who each celebrated their collective college wrestling accomplishments by dubbing themselves the “Varsity Club” - with each man (Mike Rotundo, Steve Williams and Rick Steiner) wearing a letter jacket from their respective alma-maters. It was kind of a unique idea, although I always found it funny that a guy who basically spent 20 years worshipping Satan (Sullivan) would all of a sudden re-embrace his college roots, throwing out his Necronomicon and dusting off your old Gym teacher's one piece track suit. Somehow, when one pictures Devil Worshippers, one doesn’t automatically think of them wearing letter jackets and doing Hindu squats. I’d also think that the college athletic department would frown on drinking goat’s blood in lieu of gatorade. But I could be wrong…


Anyway, TWELVE years pass, and Russo gets the idea to reform this formidable stable of Collegiate heroes. Only thing is, there isn’t a guy under 40 in the group! Kind of hard to celebrate your College triumphs when you haven’t seen college in twenty-five fucking years. But no, there they were, letter jackets and all. The funny thing is it could have worked if it was marketed as a parody. That being a bunch of guys who live off past glories and have no idea how embarrassing they now are. (like my columns). Think Al Bundy and his Polk High football triumphs. Only with suplexes. And nobody watching.


The only thing that sort of salvaged this angle was the smoking hot Kimona (now re-christened Leia Meow) jumping on a trampoline in a bikini/cheerleader’s outfit. This at least distracted from Sullivan himself, who opted to come to the ring to manage his charges wearing his letter jacket…and NO PANTS! And those legs! Arrrghhh. I wasn’t able to walk by the frozen chicken aisle for a month after that without shuddering/getting the sudden urge to hang someone upside down and run my knee into their head.


4) Oklahoma!


Oklahoma was portrayed by Ed Ferrera, and was obviously a direct parody of Jim Ross, right down to the paralyzed face. Yes, this guy was such a class act that he emulated JR’s Bell’s palsy. As if there wasn't enough to parody with Jimbo's insistence on comparing the plight of wrestlers to Post Civil War abused Animals, but here was Oklahoma calling matches, managing, and even wrestling, all while maintaining the same unrelenting distorted visage like someone had just dipped the fat fuck in a bowl of Smilex backstage. No wonder Jim Cornette spit in the dude's face.


Now, granted, some of Oklahoma’s shtick was amusing…in small doses. However, he became somewhat of a focal point of storylines in latter 1999 when he began a feud with Madusa over the cruiserweight title…and yes, before you ask, the cruiserweight title was contested between a fat little announcer and a woman.


Leading up to the big match at Souled Out, the two soon began attacking one another… with Barbecue sauce. Get it? Jim Ross loves barbecue sauce! This shit writes itself. (it must have). Maybe with one of those little brushes you spread sauce with.


Also, former J.R. verbal blow job, Steve Williams, was now Okey’s backup. And one has to wonder if karma took its revenge on Doc for this betrayal as Williams now has cancer. (Dr. Life?). And not of the Hulk Hogan/Kevin Nash Locker-room variety. IT'LL GET YOU BOOMER-SOONER THAN LATER. And I think it’s obvious that there’s a direct correlation between the two. Good Ole J.R. has friends in high places, you know. God was just paying Jimbo back for constantly putting over the Bible by bringing biblical words like “Jezebel” back into public consciousness. That, and I hear The Lord’s a HUGE Sooners fan. HUGE.


Anyway, not even the mighty creator himself could save us from Oklahoma and this strange push. Ferrera would go on to bag the CW title at the pay-per-view, and the first of the final nails in the coffin for WCW were laid. I wasn't , however. I may still be bitter about this.



3) The Strange Tale of Tank Abbott.


Anyone who’s ever watched the Ultimate Fighting Championship knows who Tank Abbott is. A no-nonsense, no-finesse, (umm, no talent?) brawler, Tank gained popularity for just being a general bad ass, despite never winning a fight and wearing your  shapeless Dad's giant swim-trunks the whole time - minus the floaty.

Anyway, WCW finally took notice, and with the success of cross-over shooters in the WWF like Ken Shamrock and Dan Sev… err Ken Shamrock anyway, WCW offered the Tank a contract. Tank never really assimilated himself into wrestling, though, and basically just went out there and knocked people (jobbers) out. To my knowledge Abbott never even pinned anyone (or even tried.). Despite looking like the kind of dude who'd love to do that...in prison.


That said, in a strange twist, because of the whole Bret Hart concussion, Goldberg laceration, and Jarrett “retardation” (three matches the week before the PPV? Come on, Jeff) leading into January’s “Souled Out” show, WCW was in dire need of a main event. And in Russo’s last hurrah (at this point anyway), he wanted to put the World Title on Abbott! He was told "no", point blank, and briefly left the fold as a result. The funny thing is, though, considering what happens to the belt not 6 months later, perhaps Tank wasn’t that bad a choice. (That belt could have at least helped hold those shorts up.).


Fast forward a couple of months and now, here’s Tank, instead facing “old friend” Big Al in a “skin’s match”, where the goal of the bout was to grab....wait for it…a leather jacket suspended on a pole! Now THAT’S a prize! It’s strange how WWF never snatched up this revolutionary idea. Imagine how much better The E& C Vs. Dudleys Vs. The Hardy’s Ladder matches would be if 1980's Jammer pants were involved, instead of those silly championship belts!…..


Anyway, Abbott defeats Big Al, then improvises a spot where he pulls a knife on Al and holds it to his throat, yelling out: “I could fucking kill you right now!”. A flustered Tony Schiavone then scrambles for a cover and says “I think it’s scissors. I think Abbott wants to cut off his beard”….even though Big Al was clean shaven. (Note to self, if my barber ever says to me “I could fucking kill you right now!” while giving me a shave …it’s probably time to find a new barber….).


From there, Abbott logically goes from attempted murder to the even more heinous: Love of boy band music! Tank became Three Count’s “roadie”, and was so enamored with their music, he couldn’t help but cut a rug to it… cut a “rug” that is, and not Big Al’s non-existent fucking beard….



2) WCW: The “C” Doesn’t Stand For Credibility.


While some will point to The Hogan/Sting Starrcade 1997 match, or even the infamous Nash/Hogan “finger poke of Doom” as the catalysts for WCW’s demise, at least those abominations featured actual WRESTLERS. (well, I guess technically.). During 2000, WCW all but destroyed ANY credibility the company had, and more specifically any credibility the Titles themselves had left.


It all started when the aforementioned Bischoff/Russo alliance took place, and the first order of business was to strip all the champions of their respective titles, so they could then all be re-contested. Our dreams of the epic scheduled SID VS. HULK HOGAN REMATCH were now squelched. We were heartbroken. Kind of.


 ...But, then again, on second thought, when those Champions include The Harris Brothers, I'm not exactly going to cry myself to sleep. At least not for those reasons.


Anyway, under this regime, the belts didn’t exactly maintain their prestige. Here’s the roll call:  Eric Bischoff: Hardcore Champion. Vince Russo: WCW World Champion. DAVID ARQUETTE: WCW World Champion. Daffney: Glorious big tits. And Cruiserweight Champion.


By now everyone knows the story of Arquette getting the belt in an insane decision to help get over the WCW movie vehicle: Ready To Rumble. And what better way to promote a movie built upon retards thinking wrestling is real that will draw no money regardless then to put the league's top belt on its 150 lbs. star? Anything on Earth? Probably.The sad part was Arquette didn’t even pin the Champion Jeff Jarrett, instead bagging the gold in a lame tag team match where he pinned Bischoff. I so have to try that sometime. I'll go fucking sunset-flip Tiger Wood's father - then by proxy take Tiger's PGA titles. This is how shit works.


From there, you’d assume that Arquette would drop the title immediately, but YOU'D BE A FAT FUCKING RETARD APPARENTLY. He goes on to the ppv(!), and defends against Jarrett AND “friend” DDP in a CAGE - a friend he… wait for it…SWERVES!... helping Jarrett win HIS Title instead. I mean, why? If you were in it with Jarrett all along, why go to all the trouble of having Double J drop the title in the first place? Or why not just give Jarrett the title? Why take all the physical risks? It’s like the Bond movies where the villain goes to all the trouble of setting up an elaborate death for 007 when he could just shoot his ass right there. And on that note, I'm surprised Russo resisted the urge for the giant saw-blade and the Sharks with LASERBEAMS....that'd of course SWERVE us and help Bond ESCAPE. NO ONE WOULD SEE THAT COMING! And we'd STILL be talking about it today! And not just in retrospect for how completely fucking clown-shoes it is.


1) I’ll See You In The Block!


To me, this is a lost gem, hence its placement. Everyone remembers the big fuckups of the Russo era, but no one ever seems to remember the mulleted jobber and a “specialty” match designed to finally get his track-pants wearing ass over. I’m of course talking about Jerry Flynn and the “Block”. And for those not familiar with Flynn, he was a “martial arts” expert who’s probably seen more ceilings than Paris Hilton, specifically at the hands of Goldberg. And Goldberg. And Goldberg. And Goldberg. And, you guessed it Goldberg. Don't even get me started on Glacier.


Anyway, in the WWF, Ken Shamrock had the “Lion’s den” and Mankind had the “Boiler Room Brawl”. Both matches were uniquely designed to settle scores with adversaries where these men would have the home field advantage. Enter Jerry Flynn. (as if anyone ever invited him). For several weeks in late fall of 1999, Jerry Flynn began challenging various wrestlers to meet him in the “block”…or technically the basement or sometimes an abandoned underground parking lot of the arena where the two would do BATTLE until one…you, know, I don’t think there was really any set rules to this one. Basically, it was one big fucking waste of time, as Flynn, and guys like Barbarian would fumble and bumble around, blink a lot, growl a little, all while pretending to ram each other into cement walls while missing by like 6 inches.


It wasn’t quite hardcore, and it wasn’t quite wrestling. Actually it can be best described as…Shit? That’s right. Week in, and week out, we’d have to suffer through Flynn and some other hamburger flailing about before the director would finally get the right idea and cut the fuck away from this abortion. Although, I used to always wonder if anyone bothered telling Jerry and his hardcore karate pajamas that the match was now over. For all we know, Flynn and Barby might still be going at it today…..


Soon after the “Block” was dropped and Flynn slipped back into mediocrity. As if he ever left. He just left a "BRB" reminder. But never fret fans, THE BLOCK could return at any time. Maybe one day we'll find out how one evens wins this shitpile. Or at least tell Jerry. He's still out there in a collar and elbow with Barbarian, wondering why no one ever gave them the high sign to go home.


That all said, there are SO MANY things I could go on about from there, like The Kid-cam, Artist Formerly known as Prince Iaukea, Janitor Jim Duggan, Bret Hart’s desert revenge - among MANY others; but I’ll save that for RD. I’m not quite ready for a book yet. And not just because no one ever offered. Although, that is the reason...



Babyface 101


By now, it’s fairly obvious that WWE has chosen to put all their eggs in Randy Orton’s basket, err, dufflebag, as the Raw brand’s new “top babyface”.  After losing the World Title back to HHH under dubious means, this now frees Orton up to develop a natural following, and grow as a fan favorite, and not just be “forced” on the fans whether they were ready or not. (Learn to love BUS TRAVEL, RANDALL!).
From there, it is likely that Orton will chases HHH to WrestleMania, where logic points to him regaining that Title. Of course, they once said the same thing about Lex Luger, and he ended up choking big-time. Ok, he didn't...


Now, with that said, I’m not going to be one of those detractors who claim that Orton will never maintain fan interest for an extended period of time, especially in the highly coveted Wrestlemania Title chase spot. However, what I am going to discuss is the somewhat familiar booking that young Mr. Orton currently finds himself undergoing. I feel as if I’ve seen this all somewhere before….but that can’t be! Surely the WWE wouldn’t utilize the exact SAME formula in developing all their top stars? Nah. I just can’t see that. I mean, what's next, opening a wrestling developmental system that trains exact identical cookie-cutter wrestlers? ABSURD.


All sarcasm aside, WWE seems to always be in a holding pattern as it pertains to how they market their top “good guy”, especially since the dawn of the Attitude era. Not that the 1980’s were much different. During that time, Vince desperately tried to remold certain wrestlers in the shapeless mold of Hulk Hogan, but ultimately found that filling the Gigantic yellow clod-hoppers of the orange-skinned Hulkster a futile pursuit. The way they slammed foreigners who dared to be fat and different just wasn't the same. But, still, Vince tried (and tried) to find that one special man who’d take that torch and run with it. Or in Hulk's case, walk in a gingerly and safe fashion so to not cause injury, or expend energy, bruther. Unfortunately, the world wasn’t ready for Lex Luger’s bus of Star-spangled  horse shit, or Diesel and his Title reign that even our Lord Jesus Christ couldn’t resurrect from the dead. Hell, even the Ultimate Warrior couldn’t hold the world’s attention, despite having the best promos this side of….nobody….


All that is, until a bald headed savior came along. And no, I’m not referring to my penis, even though he goes by the same name. I’m of course talking about Stone Cold Steve Austin; a man, who smashed the mold and carved his own unique niche in the wrestling world, and in time, a few ladies who dare done show him lip.

Fast forward six years and WWE once again finds itself in the same funk it was in nearly a decade before.  And not a cool one like Terry or Flash. Enter, Randy Orton. Secretly. Whilst you shower. Rather than cultivating a unique persona, they’ve decided to go to the well of wrestling cliché’s yet again, and create a Frankenstein monster out of the spare parts of preceding Attitude/80's heroes. Orton is one bald head, Forrest Gump knee-brace and Count Chocula Eyebrow away from reaching these goals.


Don’t believe me? Fine. But just keep watching Raw, and keep a check list of the following occurrences:


1) Tension with the owner and/or an authority figure of some sort;

Last time I checked, Randy Orton didn’t exactly have “bad blood” with Eric Bischoff, so what gives? Oh ya! He’s an Anti-authority bad ass now!..You know, despite being a chickenshit heel for the last two years and single-handedly helping Eric Bischoff maintain his current spot as G.M. about a year ago when Orton won the Survivor Series for him. I don’t know about you, but I’d think that’d buy a little loyalty from old Easy E, but what do I know?


Oh, and just so you know, hating a whole new set of people, even if you shared the same belief system as them like 6 weeks before, automatically transforms you into a NEW HEROIC PERSON. So, ya, had Goebbels turned on Hitler and gave him a piggyback-ride gone awry, you better believe Das Fuhrer would be out there waving the American flag a few weeks later, and leading the Allies charges to overthrow those fucking Nazis. That's how these things work, you see.


2) Humiliates his heel protagonist by using unusual props.


Now that he’s a man of the “people”, the newly found Anti-authority bad ass will find himself compelled to embarrass those who are his worst enemies by utilizing some very unusual means - which are not limited to cakes and other messy foods, the driving of trucks to ringside, then spraying people with a hose from said truck, that of course will no doubt propel some sort of vile liquid at his foes. And finally, there is the out and out DESTRUCTION of the property of his arch rival, which more often than not will see the stealing…than demolishing... of his ”beloved” vehicle.


So, when you see Orton destroy HHH (or Bischoff’s) car (and it will happen), don’t blame Randy. He can’t help it. After all, this is what WWE babyfaces do! (besides not drawing money.).

3)Gets “screwed” by the heel’s posse of wrestlers.


It wouldn’t be an attitude era babyface, if there wasn’t a CONSPIRACY to see him get beat and keep the title from his grasp through a series of intricately laid plots and betrayals! And damn, does it ever take A LOT of guys to put this sumbitch down, doesn’t it? Even if he tapped out quite easily to a midcarder you're supposed to forget he lost to like the year before.


And it really is sad the way the owner/commissioner/GM always seems to think that it’d be a CRIME if this anti-authority hero somehow became champion! And as owner (or GM), the *best*
thing to do is to make an uneasy alliance with another man that shares almost identical traits to your foe. Somewhere this makes sense.


4)An uneasy alliance with another wrestler, usually a former “rival”


Why are these two men, fighting?! Don’t they know that they’re on the same side and will eventually learn to respect one another - if only for the reason that they have been through the same hardships? And how come you always accidentally hit each other with chairs when you’re aiming for your common enemy? It’s a misunderstanding, that’s all! And besides, you will eventually shake hands, slowly, oh so slowly, or at the very least share a beer together. But you won’t get too “buddy buddy” because “Attitude era babyfaces” don’t have real friends!/wear pants. EVER. (That might explain it.).



5)A newfound respect by the play by play announcer… despite the fact that not long before, this same man was causing the same types of injustices that he himself is now a victim of.


By Gawd! This man’s toughness has earned my respect! You have to admire this man! He’s double tough! And he overcame all these adversities! I've already forgotten he beat me to death about 6 weeks ago.



6) Being arrested, suspended, or escorted from the building for no real reason.


See number 1 and 2.


Better get used to getting the night off, buster! But don’t fret. Just because you’ve been arrested doesn’t mean you can’t strangely escape, and return just in time to close the show!



So, ya, that's Randy Orton's future in a nut-shell. Well, that, or under the heaving sweaty body of HHH. But unlike poor Steph, here's hoping that doesn't happen to Randy any time soon. And that's the Bottom Line, so Rest in Peace If You Smell what the Ort is Cooking, Bruther.



RAW: Report Card


A couple of months ago I dissected SmackDown, (I still have Mark Jindrak held open with pins) citing what I liked, and didn’t like, because I value my opinion, even if the consensus is that's it's worthless. Ahem. Now, I thought it’d only be fair to give Raw the “How’s your Father”, only this time I’ll grade each (select) individual on the highly subjective Sean Carless Grading System!  And, by the by, am the only one who’s ever wondered just what happened to the letter “E” in the A-F grading system? HOW DARE YOU MARK ME IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE ALPHABET.



They Get an “A”:


Chris Benoit: Despite the fact that his forearms start where most people’s armpits do, Chris Benoit has managed to become WWE’s most consistently excellent wrestler. And regardless of whether he ever gets the opportunity again, few can deny that this year has belonged to the Rabid Wolverine. And about that, since when are their Wolverines in Atlanta? Of course, this is a company that has yet to realize that you cannot list your hometown as your entire country.


Kane: This year Kane has been saddled with some absolutely TERRIBLE angles, but yet has managed to spin shit into solid GOLD.  And in doing so, has managed to become the single most entertaining character on Raw. In addition to this, he seems to be garnering more and more cheers from the fans. Got to love the WWE, the only place where people feel the plight of the evil sexual predator, and boo the tormented impregnated victim. I wonder if I could get a contract there.


Trish Stratus: Trish has managed to shed her good girl persona (but unfortunately not any clothes) and adopted the antagonizing bitch persona perfectly. And because of this, the Women’s division has a strong heel character that brings depth to an otherwise flat division (maybe not the right adjective considering…).



They Get a “B”


Randy Orton: Orton has had an INCREDIBLE year, and now looks to be primed to become the RAW brand’s number one babyface. However, rather than letting it progress naturally, WWE has instead ran The Legend Killer through the old babyface machine, and all of a sudden he’s all eyebrows and attitude. Sheesh. You know, it’s probably a good thing he’s not a third generation star, too….oh wait…


Chris Jericho: The year didn’t start out too well for Y2J, as his character showed vulnerability it otherwise would never have shown. “I really care for you, Trish?” Bah. The real Jericho would have masked his hurt through jokes about Trish’s augmented chest and ruined her reputation. I can relate. I'd high five someone in celebration, but I've alienated everyone and am desperately lonely. But I sure showed her.


Thankfully, though, Y2J has since regained his character’s edge, and Christian, and continues to be the arrogant prick we all know and love….even if he did just get a Flowbee haircut.


Eugene: In the year 2004, the World fell in love with a retard for the first time since the 2000 election, and showed a genuine interest in the former Nick Dinsmore that few could have ever imagined. Part sympathy and part nostalgia (the Eugene offense), Eugene was one of the few wrestlers in recent memory to garner “real” unsolicited fan reactions. However, what was a definite feel good mid-card act, was over-exposed and in turn bled dry. And from experience, people don't tend to respond too well when you do this to retards. Legit.

Shelton Benjamin: Of all the men who were traded back in April, Shelton is the only one to really rise above his previous station. He's like a modern day Rosa Parks. Only with more exploder suplexes. Or any.

That said, it’ll be interesting to see where Shelton goes from here (An Evolution spot makes the most sense); but if I was WWE, I’d actually think about teaming him with Eugene. No, really! After all, Shelton does have a striking resemblance to Bubba from Forrest Gump ; and who wouldn’t want to see a Bubba/Gump-like tandem born? Hell, throw Rob "Lt. Dan" Conway in there for the Trifecta/most formidable fishing team.


Batista: As mentioned in many of my past rants, I don’t know what direction they want to go with Batista. Is he an unfeeling monster? Or a coifed Tropicana hustler?  I mean, monsters don’t usually tend to wear Chiquita banana trunks. Just saying.


With that said, there hasn’t been a man in the WWE who has improved as much as our friend Dave, however; who went from total deer in the headlights to competent, believable animal of unknown breed, inside one calendar year.  Not too bad for a dude who a couple of years ago was on the firing bubble, and might have been forced to actually beg people for money with his little change box.


They Get a "C":


Ric Flair: Flair is still “the man”, and gets bonus points for my favorite Wrestlemania moment ever this past year: The Nature Boy People’s Elbow; a move that, if his skin gets any looser, will be able to be delivered without leaving his feet! Woooo!



La Resistance: Raw’s number one tag team!....'cause, umm, there is no number two tag team….


William Regal: I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve seen from him thus far, especially his promos. The interaction he had with HHH pre-Summer Slam was just so great in its intensity. But, where is William lately? Perhaps he’s swimming the English channel in that woman’s bathing suit he wrestles in?....


Eric Bischoff: It’s hard to believe, but Eric Bischoff has been RAW G.M. for over TWO years now, and in wrestling years, that’s a lifetime. Although, in wrestling years, a lifetime is 40. So never mind. AWKWARD. However, bar a face turn(?), there’s really nowhere for his character to go, except maybe finally giving us a feud with Vince. And from there, maybe having WCW wrestlers invade WWE! They couldn’t possibly fuck that up! Right? ....Right?!

Edge:  This year Edge really gave Mr. Glass a run for his money in the injury department. (not a real place!). Only Mr. Copeland doesn’t have a freak bone disorder or the cool 3/4 afro to truly pull it off.

In a perfect world, however, a Heel Edge will re-unite with Christian (maybe not as a full time team) and feud with Michaels & Jericho. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. And in position for a five second pose. I call it the fat guy who sits at his computer and over-analyzes wrestling too much. It's gonna really be something.


They Get an "E", damn it, just because.


HHH: What?..who’d you think?. The funny thing is, I was really digging the Hunter who was unselfish and jobbed, and secretly hoped we’d have seen the end of the HHH who needed a vanity belt. I've come to assume that this Hunter was his twin brother that he kept locked up in the Iron Maiden in Titan Tower, and he just somehow escaped. The MAN IN THE IRON CROSS. Or something. All I know is, he was found and executed/pinned. Welcome back Cocksucker version!


Tyson Tomko: I’d give him an “A” for effort, but you don’t win the Nobel Prize for “attempted chemistry”, right? (You don't win it at all if you're me, in fact.). The fact is, though, Tomko has shown absolutely nothing in the way of actual skill since he debuted.And he's a problem solver? How about solving this problem? "Two trains are headed to OVW in opposite directions, at the same time, and at the same speed. Which one gets there first and learns how to actually fucking wrestle?"

The Entire Divas Search: At least the right person won. And what was our payoff for this whole sordid mess? A stunned Carmella, thanking the audience?  THEY DIDN"T VOTE FOR YOU. To think of all the horrible things you did with James Caan in that cave to build notoriety and they still reject you. What a shame. (LOL).


But hey, I'd like to officially welcome to the WWE, Christie Hemme! And get used to dropping your ass down like that…only you’ll be using Vince’s genitals as a crash pad instead of that pie….



SNISKY SYSTEM!
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Introducing the Snisky System! Planned Parenthood for today’s Modern woman (or clueless Diva).

Dr. Gene Snisky knows what it’s like to raise a child in today’s world. (to about waist level and then punt them into the rafters). Everyday, across this country, accidental pregnancies are taking place between young women and the pyro-maniacal demons they bed - but now THERE’S A SOLUTION!

The Snisky System is a new trend in the birth control market! Dr. Snisky has innovated a *brand-new* non-invasive Abortion technique that is 90% reliable,10% hilarious and 0% credible. After all, when Gene Snisky is hired to do a job, he gets that job DONE! ...As long as that job is not putting on a good match.

The Snisky System is actually quite simple:  All you need is one chair + one Preggo stomach… and presto! Your vagina is back in business, accepting a virtually unending line of tremendously happy Mexicans (although their facial expressions are somewhat obstructed by their masks), completely guilt free! (Ok, maybe not guilt free).

So, accept no substitutes. Choose the Snisky System! 'Cause, Baby, you won’t know what hit you!


Melchor Vs. Gonzo;

This is the debut of a new feature here in the Back-Leg Frontkick. You may have seen this same format over 411 recently where it’s known as “Fact or Fiction”, and at first I felt bad that, for all intents and purposes I was going to re-do a concept that Ashish (the site’s owner) already did. That was of course until I found out that he stole it from WWE.com first, so it’s fair game I guess.

And speaking of 411, our first edition features two of my fellow 411 alumni’s, Michael Melchor and Dr. Gonzo, who exactly one year ago this week debuted there with me as the 411 Wolf pack…only unfortunately, Gonzo and I portrayed the roles off Scott Hall and Syxx-pac respectfully in said “Wolf pack”, and lasted about as long as a prom night handjob. However, Big Nash (Melchor) is still going strong today, and I’m sure he’ll just be THRILLED with that comparison….

Anyway, the concept of BULLSHIT is as follows:  I post five blanket statements pertaining to wrestling, and two staffers go head to head, answering either “true” if they agree and BULLSHIT! if they don’t. Ya, we're really creative.

Here we go:

Dr. Gonzo: Mescaline addicted malcontent Vs. Michael Melchor: Jack of all trades writer with a pension for unfortunate luck with the elements; …  Who will survive? Us? Hopefully.

1) Going with HHH as World Champion was probably the best decision at this point.


Michael Melchor: Oh my God...my first “opponent” is THE Dr. Gonzo? Mr. “Raoul Duke” himself? The same legend that wreaked havoc in Las Vegas on a severe drug bender with his lawyer? I better be on my game here...

True – but that’s conditional. Given the rumors about what they plan on doing for “Taboo Tuesday” next month, Triple-H would be a better man to vote against than Randy Orton. As choices, you have Orton, Shelton Benjamin, Eugene, Chris Jericho...that’s only a short list, and each one of them would be not only a viable opponent but also a pretty decent match to boot. Orton, however, has Triple-H, Kane, and................... ..............hold on................I’ll think of one soon, I swear.................... .......................................ahh, nevermind.


Dr. Gonzo: True. Ugh, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here. As much as I've had unbelievable hatred for Triple H over the past few years, Randy Orton's title run was colder than Stephanie McMahon after nobody offers her thirds. Worst of all Benoit was used as a transition champ to put over the then heel Orton, cleanly, who immediately turned "face" in an attempt to usurp the number one babyface spot. Benoit gets buried in the process, and Orton flops. So by default they panic and give the belt back to Trips, which I don't mind. Randy wasn't ready for the ME just yet, as we had months of him being a cheating, dastardly heel, and then in ONE night we are supposed to cheer him? Please. They "face turn" wasn't even a face turn. It was a default turn. he didn't do anything facelike that warranted the fans cheering for him. No build up, nothing. The heels beat him down and suddenly that makes him the biggest face in the world? The slow turn would have been better used, but i guess Monday was a step in the right direction, but I think right now the belt is better off in Trips hands than Orton's, but if I had a choice, Jericho or Benoit would have it. I have a feeling Benoit has already had his run at the top.


2) NWA TNA first 3 hour Pay-per-view will be a success.


Michael Melchor: True. TNA is entering a new market without even leaving the old one. The promotion is being rebuilt without any “Resets” or anything drastic simply due to having to cater to a different office. It’s even wholly possible that Impact! (they stole my column name!) may move to FX on prime time to gain more of a head of steam before Victory Road.

Not enough people were willing to pay $10 a week. It may be a little more than ONE WWE PPV a month, but the timeframe just didn’t work out. Now TNA has to show more people their product (which isn’t bad, all things considered) and what they can do before November. If done right, the right mix of old and recognizable faces, a different style of action in the X Division, and well-planned storylines could pay off bigger that TNA’s ever seen.


Dr. Gonzo: BULLSHIT! I like TNA, they're sticking around and just cleaning up the WWE's scraps, and very smartly not trying to compete with them directly. However, this 3 hour PPV is the start of the competition, and I don't think the timing is right. They're really going to have to pull out some big stars for this PPV to be a success, and I don't mean Sean Waltman or Dusty Rhodes, and by calling Dusty a star, I mean a large, gaseous object.


3) Bringing in "gimmick" characters (like Simon Dean) and soap opera storylines (like Kane & Lita) is just what WWE needs right now.


Michael Melchor: Bullshit. C’mon, Sean – you know better than to even ask me this question...
During my first marriage, I had a trade-off with my then-wife Julie. I watched Raw and Nitro on Monday nights, but she got to see the hour before Raw. And her choice was Melrose Place, a show that I absolutely COULD NOT FUCKING STAND. Now, I’m all for a good soap opera (I DO watch wrestling, obviously) but Melrose Place was NOT one of them.

It was all too much...exploding buildings, crazy women back from the dead, everybody sleeping with everybody else...just way too unrealistic and over-the-top. Not to mention just plain stupid.

I always watched wrestling to get away from the everyday the way I thought it SHOULD be done – with enough sport and just the right dash of personality to create drama.

And what I am “treated” to for the last few years in return? People sleeping around and getting pregnant mutants, a lousy necrophilia gag, old hags giving birth to a hand...just way too unrealistic and over-the-top.
I’m sorry, but I like it much better when the big question is “Can Orton overcome Evolution and win the Belt back?” and not “Which Slutbag gets voted out of the ring this week?” But now I’m getting ahead of myself...


Dr. Gonzo: TRUE(kinda)! They are great to laugh at, I mean watching the Kane and lita angle is just comedy at it's finest. Kane has the abusive, demonic, asshole boyfriend down pat, and Lita being dead weight (and carrying it too, now that she miscarried...what? too soon?) only makes it funnier. Taker's return was cool, and lackluster at the same time, but the gimmick returns should be great. Just remember, the greatest debut of the last 10 years has been Kurt Angle, a pure gimmick from the start. Gimmicks work great for heels, but the gimmick they have for "Simon Dean" looks like a lame rehash of Kurt Angle, and will fail most likely. But he hasn't even has his debut yet so I'll cut him some slack. John Cena was pure gimmick, but ran with it, and made it work. Also, the last gimmick debut (Mordecai) failed miserably, though, so I seem to be caught in the middle here. I'm just sick of the "arrogant heel". Rocky did it the best, and Kurt ran with it. Everyone since has just been rehashes. Gimmicks might be cool if they are used sparingly.


4) Reality TV concepts like the Diva Search will never work in wrestling.


Michael Melchor: True,because this isn’t what we watch wrestling for. Again, bring on the theatre of athletic competition, not the tragedy of a useless T&A show. That’s all it boils down to, because only ONCE has WWE ever delivered on its “promises” (Miss Kitty at Armageddon 2000). And no porn is better than bad porn any day of the week.

Plain and simple, there’s no room for useless reality “Divas” OR “storylines” in wrestling. I wanna see violence and blood, not silicone and fake sex. We already have Cinemax for that.


Dr. Gonzo: TRUE! But "Tough Enough" worked the first time. It did fail the second. Unfortunately, the Diva search is rumored to be popular among the "mark" fans, but it still isn't bringing in the ratings, which is what the question is regarding I believe. Reality TV angle's serve no purpose in wrestling. It's just extra money that's used up, and a TOTAL waste of time. I dare anyone to tell me a SINGLE event in this diva search that was worth it. That sundae making contest was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Fuck reality TV.


5) Rob Van Dam is the most misused man in wrestling right now


Michael Melchor: Bullshit. The most misused man in wrestling right now is the vastly-underutilized Gene “The Plot Killer” Snisky! Give that man a multi-year deal and a main event at WrestleMania for the service he has done to Raw NOW!


Dr. Gonzo: BULLSHIT! Hey I'm a stark supporter of RVD, and was a huge fan of his in ECW, and his early WWE career, but lately he has been phoning it in, and I mean in a "Dave's not here, man" kind of way. He's usually involved in 5 minute matches where he pulls off his 4 moves and then bumps the rest of the time. I think 4 moves in the ring is all RVD can remember anymore as he emerges from a smoke filled locker room. The strange thing is, the fans still pop for him. He is a natural born face, with huge charisma and spectacular moves, that instantly make him a crowd favorite. He can bump like a fool, but also lacks any mic skills, which also stood as a testament for his in ring skills. In ECW his manages had no teeth and blew a whistle all the time and RVD STILL got over. In the WWE, he never got mic time, but like Taijiri, his moves spoke for themselves, and the fans love him. They had a chance putting him over the top against Trips, but we all know what happened there. Since then he's been unmotivated and nearly unwatchable in the ring. He was misused, but years in the midcard, and his lack of motivation has brainwashed me into thinking that he's right where he belongs. Plus if I said he was misused, it would be another reason for me to be pissed off about the WWE, and I don't need another one.


Ok, people that’s it for me this week. I may not be doing a new column next week, but stay tuned anyway because I may have something big in store. And don’t forget about the DVD contest!


See you all next week, where I announce the contest winner and maybe masturbate under my desk. Hopefully both.

I'm Sean.
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.


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TWF FLASHBACK

January 19, 2007

SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel

by Sean Carless

For years, people have asked, "What would happen if Vince McMahon could dictate recorded world history?" OK. No one ever said that. But it doesn't mean that we can't pretend, right? Join Sean as he looks at how Vince McMahon would spin history if it were indeed for sale. From Bryan Clarke ending World conflicts to Triple H conquering most of Europe, to Divas being burned at the stake, Sean has all your bases covered and then some.

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