SEAN'S DRUNKEN RAW THOUGHTS (06/23/08): EP. 3: REVENGE OF THE SHIT.
Close the window, there's draft in here~!
vs. Mark Henry! You know what I'd have marked out for? If HHH said to Henry "Haha, remember when you got head from a woman
who turned out to be a man?" and then Mark would be all like "Remember when you dated one for 4 years?". Hilarity
would then ensue.
-Mizark might be the only guy I know who can sweat clean through spandex.
- Gotta love JR
hyperbole. Mark Henry: THE STRONGEST MAN WALKING THE FACE OF THE EARTH...WHEN YOU DISCOUNT 13 OTHER DUDES IN ATLANTA IN 1996.
the first draft pick is...REY MYSTERIO~! ...and HHH claps. While likely thinking how much easier it'll be to dig a hole to
bury him in because it'll only be 3 feet long and a foot deep.
HHH: "Welcome to RAW, Rey! Hey,
say, have I ever pinned you before?"
Rey: "Not that I can remember. I did eliminate you from the
Rumble in 2006, though."
HHH: "Great. So I have to pin you AND throw you out of a Battle Royal
Rey: "Wait. What?"
HHH: "Umm, Nothing."
gives away money with the help of Kelly Kelly. He'd have used Ashley, but she keeps taking her pants off and bending over
whenever she's around a stack of cash. Old habits die hard I guess. Anyway, Kelly has a great body, sure, but I just can't
get past those teeth. I always have the urge to offer her a carrot. Only one that looks exactly like my penis. All I know
is, it must be a real battle backstage between Bob Holly & her to see who uses the Janitor's push-broom to brush their
- Hey! Regardless of what happens tonight, this Sunday's matches you don't care about won't be affected!
So, no worries. You'll still be able to be totally apathetic about the product for at least one more show without any worries
that you're not caring has been compromised.
-Smackdown earns the right to the next draft pick when Unrealistic Racial
Stereotype tandem Finlay & Hornswoggle beat umm, Unrealistic Racial Stereotype tandem Carlito & Santino Marella when
Horny pins Santino with a "tadpole splash"...which ironically enough is also the pet-name for having Johnny Ace blow his load
in your face in exchange for a Diva's contract. True story.
...And Smackdown gets...JEFF HARDY. Oh no. Jeff Hardy AND
Kane on the same touring schedule? This can't end well. That's all Jeff needs is to be around a dude with the ability to start
random fires. "Shit, dude! I just rebuilt this place!"
- Hey look, one lucky fan got Jeff Hardy's giant snot-rag
tossed to them. That's nice.
- Randy Orton is here to apparently help Vince throw away more money. And here I thought
his last WWE title reign did that just fine! Ahem.
- CORY ( as called by ADAMLE~!) Rhodes & Bob Holly vs. Chavo
& Bam Neely! YES! A Main Event nowhere in the country! Am I the only one who says every time they see Neely "Ok, where's
your fucking mustache?". I can't be. That shit is just awkward. I mean, no one takes a fucking picture of Abe Lincoln
to the barbers and goes "Make me look like this". Oh, and someone really needs to tell this guy what happened to the
last two guys with "Bam" in their name in this business. Trust me. It can only end badly.
- I can relate to Ted DiBiase.
I too am priceless. But mostly because no one wants to pay for me and I'm worthless.
-Chavo and The Fence lose. I love
the irony of a Mexican hanging with a guy called the fence. If this guy was *really* that good at blocking people, Chavo would
still be in Tijuana with his luggage in tow. Oh ya, Chavo gets Alabama Slammed. Or Slammed as it's known in Alabama. It's
all they know. Mostly because reading baffles them.
...and RAW gets the next draft pick... CM PUNK~! And look, he's
got his little suitcase with him. Which I'm convinced, based on the man's disheveled appearance, contains one dirty change
of clothes, a pair of underwear made from old newspapers, and a bunch of tin cans. Tell me I'm wrong.
- Chris Jericho
comes out to HBK's hometown crowd and says that HBK will turn on EVERY one of them eventually. Huh. I wouldn't hold your breath
hayseeds, waiting your turn to have Michaels show up at your house and toss you through something glass. Jericho then introduces
the only man he can depend on...HBK's prized pupil--as the sad Hulk music starts playing somewhere for Bryan Danielson, Paul
London & Brian Kendrick-- Lance Cade! Jericho is the only man he can trust apparently. And if respective haircuts have
anything to say about it-- love.
-This brings out HBK, who is sadly not sporting an eye patch (aye patch?). Too bad.
Because I agreed whole-heartedly with him becoming a pirate and being labeled as the Hearrrrrrrrgggggghtbreak Kid. I'd say
that he get a rickety wooden leg, too ,and hobble around, but hey, he already kicked Nash in the face once, now he's going
to steal how he wrestles, too? That's right. HBK is ANGRY, and tosses his little straw swamp-hat down and means business.
Is he even a sex symbol anymore to anyone? You know, besides the guys who pulled Ned Beatty out of the canoe?
then rushes to the ring and attacks Jericho, who tosses him eye first into the announce table. I guess Y2J is more of an Old
Testament man. What can I say. HBK then cries. Man, and he's not even forfeiting a title! What a professional. Oh, for the
record, in High Definition you can actually see HBK's smile fly into the crowd. My TV's awesome like that.
-Is it wrong
that my first instinct was to pretend I was 12 and had cancer so I could ride the Tea-Cups with Mickie James?
Hardy Men vs. Miz & Morrison. This was supposed to originally be Hawkins & Ryder vs. Miz & Morrison, but even
evil Vickie isn't that cruel. For the record, I am aghast at the combined pants of Matt and Morrison, though. Anybody who's
ever taken Acid must have instantly been transported to a very terrifying plain of existence whilst looking at them.
pins Matt with a roll-up + amoeba pants. ECW gets the draft. And they get... MATT HARDY. Man. I'm just glad to hear Matt doesn't
have a wife and child. We all know how well this same scenario worked out the last time.
- More money given away. And
who better to help drop large loads of cash nonsensically then Ric Flair? Anyone? In fact, I kept expecting Beth Flair to
repel from the ceiling Mission Impossible-style and make off with 50% of the case had Flair even attempted to touch any. So,
ya, a truly great use of Ric Flair here. THE MEMORIES. LEAVE THEM ALONE.
Natalya & Victoria vs. Mickie James &
Melina. First off, I have to laugh at how the moment you start fighting someone unpopular in wrestling, all the bridges you
burn by being evil are instantly forgotten and forgiven. As was evident by the touching girl-power high-five backstage between
Melina and Mickie. And secondly; I love that Natalya and Victoria are kind of like a female version of the Hart Foundation.
(Hearts that pump blood to one specific area). Maybe as a tribute, we can talk Victoria into giving something away ala Bret
to ringside fans? Her bra? Please?
This match goes to a no-contest because Melina twists her ankle when Victoria--WWE's
perpetual Diva injurer-- tosses her off the top to the arena floor. Cue the Friday the 13th dude. "You don't want to wrestle
Victoria! She has a Death Curse!"
This shmazz ends up allowing a double announcer draft. JR to Smackdown, and Michael
Cole's big bloated, water-retaining face to RAW. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear JR say "Couldn't you just
pretend to pull Stone Cold's head out of my ass again?". Maybe.
- Vince McMahon and GREAT KHALI~! come out to give
away more money. Vince puts over Khali in "Get Smart". Speaking of which, with Cole now on RAW, any chance of Vince incorporating
the CONE OF SILENCE into Cole's act? Trust me, we'll be begging for it soon enough. And Thank God Al Snow was never really
commentated by Cole. Can you imagine:
Cole: "Here comes Al Snow & Skull!"
" You mean, Head"
Cole: "That's what I said. Skull."
Trust me. It would not have
-Vince then completes the phone blunder hat-trick and fucks up the dialing AGAIN. No wonder this dude
never heard of Scarface or Pirates of the Caribbean. He's still trying to solve the fucking Rosetta Stone that is dialing
SEVEN NUMBERS IN SEQUENCE. I can only imagine him with a fucking DVD player:
Vince: "HAHAHA! IT'S
OPENING AND CLOSING! LET ME JUST PUT THIS IN..ONE, TWO, I GOT IT. NO! WHAT A MANEUVER!"
It'd happen EXACTLY like
that. I promise.
Oh, and ya, Vince blames Khali for the mistake. I'd love if this was the one thing that got Khali
canned. "Sure, you're dangerous, immobile, can't promo, can't appear unedited on live TV, and kinda killed a guy once,
but a line has been crossed here!"
All I know is, if I was umm, Great; (Can I call you Great?) I'd have just nabbed
the case and brought it back to my starving Indian village. He'd surely be known as the Greatest Khali by now. Oh, bonus points
for Khali yelling gibberish at the phone. Funniest shit I've seen in months. I also want HBK to take this man under his wing,
and claim that for the last two years, he's BEEN SPEAKING IN TONGUES, but we've just been to stupid to listen. I'd mark anyway.
vs. John Cena, in match #389045 of their ongoing Best of Eternity Series. And it will be eternity. Trust me. Due to the yellow
sun of the earth, Cena will stop aging altogether once he hits 30. Oh ya, John Cena wins by count out, and as a result RAW
gets BATISTA; who just happened to be right there interfering to EMOTE. If I didn't know better, I'd think this thing wasn't
actually completely random! But then that'd open up an entire can of worms that perhaps wrestling as a whole is predetermined,
and well, that'd just be absurd.
- Vince McMahon reminds Edge backstage that he'll still be facing Batista at Night
of Champions because Batista enabled the Konami Cheat Code in 2005 and he's still entitled to like at least 1500 more title
shots. Buy a Game Genie, Edge. It's your only way out.
-MVP vs. Tommy Dreamer's pajamas. MVP wins. Colin Delaney stands
at ringside being transparent. Smackdown gets Umaga; or "the Samoan Bulldog" as called by Adamle. I had one of those once.
He refused to wear the little booties my Mom made for him and would constantly stab me in the throat with his paw. We had
him put down.
- JBL vs. Kofi Kingston. JAMAICAN MY ASS HURT. This sadly is one Adamle call that will be missing from
the post-match showers this evening. JBL wins..and RAW gets... ECW Champion, Kane! Oh no! Imagine what ECW will be like because
you stripped everything away from it that made you care about it in the first place and left you with no reason to ever
watch it again! Now imagine this is July of 2006 and you're everyone else on Earth. Yup.
- Vince McMahon gives away
some money and the winner happens to be in the crowd. Good luck getting home tonight in one piece, bitch.
-15 man Battle
Royal for two remaining Draft slots. Edge wins by dumping out Cena and HHH. Smackdown gets Mr. Kennedy! Awesome! I've always
wondered what would happen if he was on Smackdown! Oh. And the last slot; TRIPLE H~!. I wonder if this means he'll end up
in TNA after the blockbuster trade for Team 3D and Booker T~! No?
-Vince then gives away the last $500,000 dollars.
And then the set explodes all around him. I'd blame God in retaliation for that whole "Backlash" thing, but he's still busy
checking in all the Wrestlers Vince keeps sending his way! And speaking of which, clearly in light of a certain anniversary,
perhaps it's THE GHOST OF CHRIS BENOIT, who even, without a physical form, is a more credible and believable
wrestler than half the roster. But then I realized, Benoit is a MASTER OF HIS CRAFT. If he wanted someone dead, damn it, he'd
get the job done. Trust me. He's old-school like that. And insane. Cue Scooby and the Gang, because we got a MYSTERY on our
hands~! Hell, HHH can be Shaggy. And they can bring back his dog Lucy to play Scooby. And pin Chris Jericho. Clearly, this
is a riddle that'll take some real smarts and intuition to figure out. Clearly it's not as predictable as it just being his
family pissed that he's giving away their inheritance. Even though that's probably the really "deep" not-foreseeable reason
WWE Creative came up with, all while high-fiving each other, and standing idly by while Michael Hayes insists he is
much more of a umm, Predator than Mark Henry is. I mean, obviously, when Ratings are down, who better to cart out than more
McMahons?! ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH? Probably.
Show ends with debris covering Vince as Hunter tries to save the day. "YOU CAN'T DIE UNTIL YOU AMEND
THIS WILL HERE". Hey, look, Vince is yelling for PAUL. And HHH is answering him!... despite his actual, legit real-life
birth-name being HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY. OHMYGODSHOOT. I'd have marked out if during the cries for "Paul", Big Show appeared
and said "Yes! I'm here!". But hey, that's just me. RAW fades out with Vince declaring that he can't feel his legs.
Summer Slam: Vince vs. Droz. FIRST MAN STANDING. Book it.
SEAN'S DRUNKEN RAW THOUGHTS (06/16/08): ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
The Password is.... NIPPLE. [/Cable Guy]
Yay! John Cena! And he's giving us all a wrestling history lesson! YES. We will always remember this moment says
he. It's true. Everybody will always remember where they were the moment they shut off the TV because 98% of the earth
is ineligible to win sweet fuck all and doesn't give a shit about John Q. Hayseed in Buttfuck North Carolina winning 16 dollars.
Of course, I'm just paraphrasing him here.
- John Cena LOVES World Wrestling Entertainment! And Lamp. I'm not
going to say the guy occasionally comes off as retarded, but he really needs to lose the weird stilted way he does promos.
I can imagine how tedious a conversation between him and Orton would be....
Orton: So. How. About. Those. Yankees.
THE YANKEES! THE SOX! BASEBALL! FOOTBALL! THE WORLD SERIES! THE SUPER BOWL! PANDEMONIUM!
Orton: What. Are. You.
Cena: To Talk! To Enunciate! Communication! All ROLLED UP INTO ONE! A Communication Enunciation
and Validation! With Trepidation! Sweeping this Nation!
Orton: Fuck. You.
Cena: Fuck me! Fuck
Him! Fuck You! Fuck that Guy in the upper deck with the gay poopy pants saying Fuck You to Me! To Him! To Everybody!
I. Hate. Guys. Who. Talk. Funny.
- I respect and agree with HHH's defense to Cena that A LOT of things have changed
on RAW in the last two years. I mean, he didn't pin Chris Jericho tonight, right? That's a start! Come on!
- I don't
know if its just because I'm drunk, but did I see, to avoid the same woes as last week, Vince actually got a phone with those
giant-assed fucking arthritis buttons on them? And he STILL fucked up. Holy shit. Next week, they have a phone-pad so fucking
huge that Vince will have to dance the fucking numbers like the piano scene in BIG. And he'll still fuck it up. MON-AY~!
me to never ask for Cena to back me up in a street fight. It's no holds barred. The guy can use anything,
and he chooses a microphone? That's like dropping your gun and switch so you can hit a dude with a rolled up sock filled with
another rolled up sock. No wonder this guy’s not a "thug” anymore. The only drive by's in his neighborhood is
a kid throwing a newspaper into some old woman's fucking rose bushes.
- CHARLIE HAAS: WEEK TWO. BOOYA. I love this
awkward bastard. Probably because he's the only dude in the world allowed to judge a female beauty contest in his underwear.
They get all *freaked out* whenever I do it. Maybe because they're children. Hey, look, it's Eve! I'm sure I'd be marking
like a motherfucker if I knew who that was. All I know is, I marked for her giant sun glasses. Maybe because it obstructed
that face. Maybe. Hey, Maria wins! And she's back to being a stunned retard again! Quick, someone get this bitch naked
again before she hurts herself! I'm just looking out for her best interests is all!
-Jeff Hardy vs. Carlito! Hey, speaking
of which, when was the last time we had a Carlito's Cabana? Maybe it's for the best. Would you let Jeff anywhere near your
house? I mean, that straw and bamboo goes up fast.
-You know what I want to see instead of wrestling? Someone singing
the National Anthem of a country I don't live in to justify getting money that I don't care about. And guess what? I got my
-HBK is the shittiest Christian ever. It has to be said. I don't remember Jesus ever playing fast and loose with
lying. It's like one of the commandments or something. I really stopped listening when I wasn't allowed to covert my neighbor’s
wife. I sure hope that doesn't include fucking her. ‘Cause I might be in trouble. Anyway, maybe HBK could have showed
Jesus a thing or two about getting out of binds. When the Romans came for him, he should have just dropped to the ground clutching
his knee. Then a few weeks later, Simon Peter can throw him through the obscenely expensive Jesustron 2000 B.C. for misleading
him. Sounds like a plan. And blasphemy.
-Holy shit! It's Ric Flair! THEY'VE CLEARLY NOT LEFT THE MEMORIES ALONE. And
speaking of memories, I think poor Ric must've forgot his Speedstick, 'cause buddy is sweating worse here than the time the
government seized Jerry Lawler's computer. PARKING LOT BRAWL~! I wonder if the Dalorean is out there? Because I'll be damned
if Ric ain't turning more and more into Doc Brown everyday. Piledrive him on Mr. Fusion~! It's powered by garbage and Brian
Gewirtz scirpts. (same difference).
-Hey, look, it’s HHH! I sure hope he hijacks this HBK/Jericho angle. It's
been YEARS since he pinned Chris Jericho and ruined any and all momentum. It'd be totally fresh again. Hopefully he has
some new pets he can introduce into the rivalry to spice it up. It'll be awesome.
-Holy shit, I got to say, that was
probably my favorite CAWdy Rhodes/ Bob Holly match EVER. All 20 seconds. It lasted just long enough
to keep my attention. Or exactly how long it'd take to actually make Cody on Smackdown vs. RAW! Move-set and all.
what happened to the uneasy disgusting sexual tension between Paul Birchill and Katie Lea? Boo-urns. I had so many sexualized
pirate jokes to give. PIRATE PAUL HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS TO PUT IN HER BOOTY~! I had to say it.
-Wow, even MORE Million
Dollar Mania next week! Has Christmas come early?! ...filled with presents like Socks and Underwear? All I know is, I sure
hope they scrap some of that "wrestling business" on that 3 hour show so they can fit it all in, because I'll be mighty upset
if I can't turn the channel during it.
-Chris Jericho vs. HHH was a great match. SHADES of ARN ANDERSON and HARLEY
RACE having great matches. Speaking of which, how long before HHH goes up to JR and says "You know what, Jim? I've been
using the fucking spinebuster for like 8 years now, any chance it can be just mine now?" Poor guy.
it's most of Lance Cade for the Jericho save! I wouldn't have known except for the "CADE" written on his ass. How completely
spontaneous and umm, spontaneous. But man, this guy must've ran over a Gypsy's daughter or something over the weekend because
he's got to be down like 25 pounds from just a few weeks ago. And holy shit, is he pale. He must've missed the WWE history
lesson that proves that unless you're last name is Cena or Austin, the more ORANGE you are, the better chance you have at
being a World Champion. I still think it’s cute though the way he's rejecting sunlight like that, and all how I
can see all of his vital organs in High Definition. Keep standing out, Lance! And check your colon. I think you might have
Ok, I'm done.
SEAN'S DRUNKEN RAW THOUGHTS (06/09/08)
THE PASSWORD IS ...VAGINA. [/Cable Guy]
- Vince defeated
the Federal Government but could not solve the complicated Rubik’s Cube that is dialing a phone. Go figure.
Fucking Gabe from E Prizes gets more TV time than Super Crazy and the Highlanders. That's got to kinda sting a bit. Almost
as much as Hillbilly boy from Tennessee getting more than they all make downside combined for not leaving his mobile home
on a Monday night. poor guys. I'd hate to be a Sheep tonight.
-Jesus must've bled HBK out with a Stigmata earlier tonight,
because despite going through glass, the guy's head was dryer than an old man's cornhole. WWE seems to really be against
using blood these days. First JBL bites down on a condom (it's natural progression!) at One Night Stand and only dribbles
a bit from his bubblin' lips, and now, HBK puts his gigantic omnipresent head through a TV and just winces a bit. Weird. But
it was still a great angle; don't get me wrong. I'm just glad Jericho is a heel. Even if his hairdo is screaming for love.
The kind of love that can only transpire between two naked men. It's Gay~!
-Vince gets Rick Rolled~! Twice! Man. In
30 years when he finally finds out what it means, I'm sure your grandchildren will be in for some really fun WWE skits!
heard through my sources that Ashley stepped forward and said "I'll take that 2 dollars if that woman doesn't want it!". Hey,
why not?. This would probably be the only time she can make any sort of money without having to go brush her teeth for
like 30 minutes straight after! Cut her a break! And a check. And pass the Bleach. And a Funnel.
- Brock Lesnar is
likely the only other Amateur Wrestling standout other than Charlie Hass that knows the horrors of making out with an ancient
woman. Here comes the pain. It's mostly a pride thing, but hey, hurt is hurt.
- Holy clown make-up, Maria. They must've
set the set the make-up gun backstage to whore. I remember when my penis used to really, really love Maria. It was about 15
minutes ago. He's like totally exhausted now. I don't know what's wrong. He's been throwing up all night!
have thought the secret to ending Gene Snitsky's adult acne issues would be a weight gain of about 40 pounds. I've seen bags
of raw pizza dough more cut than this guy these days.
-Why does every newcomer in the last few years get the same
fucking boring ass trunks? You know, with their initials or some ridiculous tribal sign. Is it too much to ask Ted Jr. to
wear the money trunks? And demean a black manservant who never wears a shirt? Come on!
- Cena vs. JBL was Ok. I didn't
hate it. But JBL as a wrestler does nothing for me. But at least this week, unlike last, Fucking Cena didn't take Jibble's
sexual elixir before competing. I think that's the *real reason* Jeff got pinned cleanly last week. I wouldn't want Cena's
medicinally enhanced genitals anywhere near me either. Take that three count, Jeff, and take a long Einhorn-is-a-man shower.
I mean, sure, it's just a stall in the middle of the forest now because the house it was in looks like a bomb hit it, but
hey, hygiene is hygiene!
- Speaking of which, I'm begging JR to yell at least once, JEFF HARDY IS A HOUSE O' FIRE.
Anyway, HHH vs. Jeff Hardy was a good match, but I just can't get into his title reign. It's boring. I can't put my finger
on what it is. Except the middle one. This might upset a few people, but I think at this point I'd rather see Cena get the
belt back. To me, choosing between them is like deciding whether you'd rather meet your end via Ebola or AIDS. You choose
the least painful death. And at least you can still fuck with AIDS without bleeding from every orifice. Sure, you're sentencing
people to death, but hey, getting laid is getting laid. It'd probably be the last time they ever slept with me again anyway
so, holy shit, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I think it was something about Cena being like AIDS. Only
with less dying. Or any. I'm not sure.