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RAW RECAPPING FOR DUMMIES! SEAN CARLESS'S INSANE LOOK AT RAW! (10/30/06)

 

Hey, fuckies, your usual Raw party host Cameron Burge can’t make it this week, because apparently his Satellite went down faster than Lindsay Lohan after an eight ball of coke and some sweet talk. Or maybe just the coke. SHE's A WHORE~!

 

Anyhoo, with no one else stepping up to the plate, I had no choice but to saddle this abortion myself, and as a result, literally threw this thing together in about 15 minutes.  I’d say it was half-assed, but sadly no ass is involved at all. Not even a little. In fact, I won’t even be taking my pants off. My parole officer insisted on that last part.

 

So, with that said, let’s get to the Rant that’s gonna be more bare bones than Nicole Ritchie. We’ll call it RAW Recapping For Dummies . You can send your money here.  Please.

 

Onto the show~!

 

WWE RAW: 10/30/06

 

The show opens with Edge and Randy Orton in the ring for “The Cutting Edge”; Edge’s patented talk show where he asks all the “burning questions” so says he. Burning questions and burning genitals, that is. He can thank Lita for the latter.

 

Apparently, it’s Edge’s birthday tonight, and as a gift, Randy Orton shows footage of himself beating Triple H last week. That's a pretty shitty gift. That's right up there with socks as far as I'm concerned.

 

From there, the two call out the three potential referees for Cyber Sunday, Eric Bischoff (who is not wearing his Jor-El of Krypton black turtleneck this week) The Coach, and Mr. McMahon. They each put over why they should be “elected” as referee. Man. This might be the most depressing vote ever.  It’s like being given a choice between being shot, stabbed or lit on fire. They all fucking suck, but you have to decide which one will be the least painful. Eric’s big argument is that we should choose him because controversy always creates cash. Bullshit. Just the other day to test this theory, I yelled out that the Holocaust was a hoax and no one gave me anything. Not even a nickel. So much for that theory. Of course they were Jews, and thus were offended, and wouldn't have parted with that nickel anyway, but umm, ya, I'll shut up now. Coach than says he should be chosen because they needed someone to be the choice no one on earth would ever vote for. Ok, he didn’t say that, but it’s true. Vince then says he should be chosen because he’ll treat DX as they treated him. So apparently he’ll repeat the same tired act every week, using  overdone ad-nauseam double entendres about penises and shit. It's only awesome when I do it.

 

Vince then announces that tonight Randy Orton will meet…Triple H! Holy shit. It’s only been three weeks or so since the "season premiere" and they’re already into re-runs? Man. Sometimes I think the booking committee in this fucking company is headed up by Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day. Now if only they’d take another page from his book and try to kill themselves repeatedly. Vince then worriedly asks Coach what happens if RAW loses the WWE title this Sunday? Wait. Why the fuck would the OWNER of the ENTIRE company care about where the title goes? He owns all three brands. After Coach makes a few stupid suggestions, Vince makes a match where Cena will meet either King Booker, Big Show, or Coach, and the AUDIENCE DECIDES! Wait. For a guy who’s so worried about Cena losing the WWE title like 5 seconds ago, Vince sure as shit is throwing him to the wolves here. Hell, even Ross yelled out “why don’t you just shoot Cena then?!”. You know, if only that was a choice. Pass me my mobile phone. How do I text "What Jim Ross said"? But seriously, got to love the logic here of trying to “protect” Cena by throwing him into a potentially difficult match with a guy he won’t know ahead of time. That’s really looking out for his best interests, Vince. That’d be like a mother being worried that her son might get killed in the war, so she knits him a sweater with a fucking bull's-eye on it. Logic. The only thing in wrestling that dies more frequently than Undertaker.

 

Anyway, the CHOICE IS YOURS from here. Go to WWE.com and vote now! You can text it in. Or Vince will send a specially trained courier pigeon to your home to carry off your wallet. VOTE NOW~! Or just save time and give Vince your ATM number. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE. Except voting for free over shit no one cares about. Sorry.

 

After the commercial we see Jerry Lawler voting. Once the camera is off him, he quickly resizes the window to sweetapples.com, and resumes masturbating. You and me both, buddy.

 

Johnny Nitro vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. CARLITO.

 

Man. WWE is being about as subtle here as wearing a Where’s Waldo shirt on a hunting trip. Could it be anymore obvious that they want Carlito to win? Anyway, this is a triple threat match, also featuring the other two dudes in the running for the Intercontinental Title. And speaking of the IC belt, Jeff Hardy comes down, swats away thousands of imaginary bees during his intro (Cocaine is a helluva drug) and watches the action. "This is the best 6 way match, EVER, dude!" he says. JR then has to assure him that there's only 3 people out there. "Holy shit! Really?" Jeff then replies, then falls asleep and never wakes up. Some of this may have never happened. 

 

The match doesn’t go too long, and is basically the exact same three way you’ve seen on WWE TV for years. Hell, Carlito even laid dead on the floor for most of the match after one shot. Why is it that offense is always more debilitating when it’s done in a triple threat match? It’s kind of like how everything hurts more when you bounce off the ropes first. THIS ELBOW DROP WILL BECOME LETHAL IF ONLY I CASUALLY BOUNCE INTO THOSE ROPES 3 FEET AWAY THERE.  Finish comes after Nitro catches Benji with a flying dropkick, only to be pulled to the floor by Carlito, who then scoots in and finishes the woozy Shelton with a back-cracker. Huh. Turns out There is Stoppin' Him, after all. What a bold faced lie that song is.

 

Winner: Carlito. THE GUY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO VOTE FOR. Just thought I'd save WWE the time and effort and just be a little less subtle than they are.

 

After the match, Carlito passes Hardy who looks on impressed. Either that, or he imagines how much cheeba one could smuggle in a hairdo the size of Carlito’s.

 

-In the back, Tard Grisham is standing by with John Cena. Cena rags on Tard, and asks him who he voted for. Tard breaks down and says "King Booker!". Cena however doesn’t care who he faces tonight, because he doesn’t even know what he’ll have for breakfast tomorrow (Hey, wouldn’t it be Green Berets if he was truly a Marine?). It could be Frosted Flakes or it could be a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon says he. Or if you’re Jake Roberts it’s probably both.

 

John then plugs K-Fed’s album, and says it’s the bomb. Literally. It’s being dropped by our troops over the Gulf and they’re killing themselves as a result. Anyway, Cena ends his tirade by emoting INTENSITY, and not the pantomime of really having to take a shit as his facials suggest. I guess we'll know for sure next time he has someone in the STFU and a trail of brown cascades down the ring. At least it'd finally give his opponent a REAL REASON to submit to it, though.

 

-Still backstage, and Torrie and Candice are laughing about the possibility of Coach having to face John Cena. “It’d be really funny!” says Candice. I’d have preferred had they just cut the B.S. and looked deadpan into the camera and said “Listen, douchebag. Vote for Coach.  That’s who we want. Just do it.”  At least be straight forward about it. And take off your shirts. Jeez.

 

From there, Torrie then breaks off to talk to Carlito. She begins flirting with him, and he plays along pretending to be hurt by Trish “breaking up with him”. Man, what a whore the Torrie character is. Who hasn’t she had a relationship with on this show? By this point, having sex with her character would be like throwing a hotdog off a cliff.  (which would then be caught, cooked, and eaten by Big Show in his frying pan hands). The two then make a "date" later for tonight, as somewhere, Billy Kidman, with a tear in his eye, packs up the last of his white wifebeaters and itchy flock shirts and moves out of their town home. Poor bastard.

 

Maria vs. Lita: Straight-Edge vs. Blows Edge.

 

This is of course the semi-final of the VAUNTED Women’s title tournament. And Speaking of giving you a semi, here comes Mickie James to sit at the commentators table. Nothing match ensues, which is easily won by Lita with the STD.D.T.

 

Winner: Lita. We learn soon after that there are STIPULATIONS for the Final at Cyber Sunday between Mickie and now Lita. It will either be a No DQ, submission (Lita has the best submissionary position in company!) or a Divas Lumberjack; which I’d imagine would involve the wrestling connotation and not legitimate tree handling. (start with mine!) .

 

-The WWE wants you to go see the Marine. Stuff blows up! John Cena uses wrestling moves in real life situations! This happens all the time in the military. Once Al Qaeda learns how to do a shooting star press, it’s curtains for us!

 

-Big Show is shown shadowboxing, and wearing a singlet that finally debunks the myth that spandex is in fact “one size fits all” (or four in his case. Poor guy).

 

Randy Orton vs. Triple H w/o HBK. Edge is your guest referee….

 

….for 5 seconds. He then gets immediately pedigreed and killed by HHH. In fact, so much so that he’s carried off. Man. That’s one powerful pedigree. If only scientists could split it, they’d have the ultimate doomsday device on their hands. Well, if the threats around the world are threatening midcarders.

 

Anyway, a much better match than last week, as Orton varies his offense… by waiting 4 minutes to hit that chinlock rather than 3. Kids, don’t try this at home! (unless you’re really confused at how to pace a match properly and need constant rests!).

 

Orton has the advantage eventually after hitting his backbreaker dealie (why has no one named this move yet?) followed up by a Garvin Stomp  soon after. However, Son-in-Law rallies, and after he hits his knee breaker, here’s some crazed Foot Locker employee in with the spear and the DQ. YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THOSE SHOES. Oh, it’s Edge.

 

Winner by DQ: Triple H.

 

Orton and Edge then double team Trips after the match, and grab a chair. They wear The Game out with it, and Orton looks to RKO Triple H on it, but he counters out and Orton lands back first on said chair. Edge then spears HHH, but NO SALE my friend. HHH shrugs off his FINISHER in 3 seconds, rolls out, grabs sledgie and chases off the heels. Huh. Sledgehammers may not be the best digging tools, but it was good enough to fucking BURY these two guys. And hey, I like Triple H. I do. But I’ve come to the conclusion that he just can’t help destroying people. He’s like the fucking Outbreak monkey. Only, much like an Ebola outbreak in a 3rd world country, no one’s noticing anything right now because up until this point, he’s just eradicating people we don’t care about. But it will spread! QUARANTINE THE H’s BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE~!

 

-Backstage we see King Booker preparing. If only he got the attention Cena gets. This man clearly needs Cena's endorsements. I’m thinking maybe Burger King for the whole King tie-in. Normally, I’d suggest Wendy’s, but that’d probably just be awkward for everybody.

 

Hacksaw Jim Duggan, his shorts, & Eugene vs. UMAGA : handicapped match.

 

Eugene refuses to get into this one, cowering on the floor from Umaga. So, Duggan starts. Who's the real retard here? I don’t blame him, though. Obese Samoans with taped thumbs is the number one killer amongst the special needs community. Some people might say organ damage or pituitary gland issues, but those people like to use logic and tell the truth.

 

Anyway, Umaga destroys Hacksaw, and his shorts, last seen clung to your shapeless father as he groggily retrieves the newspaper from his drive way on an early Saturday morning. One big thumb to Duggan later and it’s all over. Eugene never tagged in. Too bad. I really wanted to see a retard and a Samoan try to ram each other into the buckles. It’d be an eternal stalemate. Throw a black guy into the mix and they could just all shrug their shoulders and call it a night.

 

Winner: UMAGA~!  YOU now have the choice to pick Sandman, Kane or Chris Benoit to job to a fucking thumb this Sunday. Choose wisely.

 

-Backstage, we see an interaction between Coach and Bischoff. Coach says in preparation for possibly facing Cena tonight, he’s going to beat down the first guy that comes through that door. It’s Ron Simmons. Coach balks, and runs away. “DAMN” says Faarooq. Haha. I love wrestling. It’s the only sport on earth where random dudes from the past just appear for NO reason whatsoever. I mean, when was the last time during a Football half-time you just saw say, Jim Brown emerge from a locker, say two words, then leave with zero explanation? THIS IS WHY WRESTLING RULES.

 

-More Marine propaganda! You should see it! Don’t let it be trapped with Ishtar and Moon over Parador in a bargain bin in Wal-Mart for eternity~! You can make the difference! (If you just buy 15 million more tickets! Come on! We’re dying here!).

 

Ric Flair comes out for the Cyber Sunday hard-sell for his tag team title match. From there, out come potential partners Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper, who apparently devoured all of Sarge's K-Rations, and Dusty Rhodes.  Each man puts over why you should vote for them. Knowing the WWE fanbase, they’ll choose Piper because he’s the most familiar to newer fans, despite the fact Dusty teaming with Flair holds all the intrigue. Speaking of Dusty, I had to love him basically forgetting the ten other fucking World Titles Ric Flair won when he announced him as a “6-time World Champion”. That’s about a twenty year window of wrestling history and continuity completely forgotten about altogether there. Huh. No wonder they hired this man for the WWE creative team, it all makes sense now!

 

-Backstage, Tard is with Cryme Tyme. Shad ends up stealing the RAW plasma TV during the interview to an ovation. Funny, in real life, white folks don’t usually give thunderous applause when black guys go walking off with giant TVs. WWE HAS UNITED THE RACES~! God bless them.

 

Cryme Tyme vs. Boxcar Charlie Haas & Viscera A.K.A. Haas & Hoss.

 

During the intro of Haas & Viscera, they cut away from JTG and Shad who are nonsensically hooking up the plasma TV to the monitors at ringside. Oh that Cryme Tyme. Now they're stealing my valuable time. Will their Hi-jinks never end? Can they? Please? 

 

Anyway, I’m convinced that the only reason Viscera agreed to this match is because he misunderstood someone who told him that JTG had a “grill”, and he went out and bought a bunch of pork chops to get in on it. There’s a pretty good chance I just wanted to use this joke, and had no better segue.

 

Haas & Viscera get a little bit of offense, but Cryme Tyme ends up getting the win after knocking Viscera down with a double clothesline and finishing Homeless Charlie with their tandem neck-breaker finish. Charlie was then seeing fleeing to the parking lot to retrieve his shopping cart full of tin cans before someone stole it.

 

Winners: Cryme Tyme.  WWE stereotypes prevail~! It could be worse though, guys. Ask Tony Atlas about it sometime. If you can find him. He changed his phone number in 1991.

 

-Backstage, Tard catches up with HHH. Trips doesn’t care who the referee is, because he just showed what he does to upstart talent with threatening potential Special Referees.

 

-Also backstage, we see Coach perplexed as to who to vote for. King Booker and Big Show come in. The three argue over who should face John Cena tonight. Booker thinks it’s Show. Show thinks it should be Booker. They then both change their mind and say it should be Coach. I for one want to see Show in there with Cena in honor of The Marine. After all, Big Show blows up every few minutes, too, right? IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

 

King Booker & Sharmell, Big Show and Coach all come out. They put the results up on the Titan Tron. Coach wins by 74%.  George W. Bush then immediately gets on the phone to Vince and asks him how he does it. And how to properly pronounce the word "subliminal". Subblinable? Sublamanable? Soobplapanable? IT'S CUTE BECAUSE HE'S RETARDED. 4 MORE YEARS! 4 MORE YEARS!

 

John Cena vs. Jonathan Coachman: Non-title match as dictated by the fans (bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh).

 

Hey, who wants to see two World Champions put on a 50-50 match when you could just see a complete squash with a non-wrestler?!  Boy do I love being Sports Entertained!!!!!

 

Oh ya, John Cena and his military issue FUBU? destroy Coach in short order, after Coachman only got a very brief flurry after Show and Booker attacked Cena before the match. If we ever go to war with a pudgy black guy with no athletic talent, Cena and his Marines are definitely on the front lines as far as I'm concerned. Cena then quickly recovered and finished off Coach soon after with the 5 knuckle shuffle, FU and STFU hat-trick. A hat turned on a jaunty angle so to remind the fledgling white suburban youth that think they're gangsta, that even though he's pretending to be in the Military now, deep down, he's still pretending he's black. Real Representing Real. Except not being really black or a Marine.

 

Winner: John Cena! More money on Fireman’s Carry’s and less on tanks and planes, U.S. government! The results speak for themselves!

 

John salutes us, umm, “Civilians”, and stares down the other champions to close the show.

 

Final Thoughts: Racial intolerance stems from fear of what we don’t understand. But if you choose to look beyond the surface and approach the unknown with compassion and patience,  you’ll usually find that we’re not all that different after all.

 

Oh. You meant about the show. It was what it was. Needed more K-Fed though. And fat Britney, too (Over-Fed?).

 

I’m Sean.

 

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).