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BLFK PHOTOSHOP OF THE DAY:
MATT HARDY'S GUNT.

Much has been made online of the recent weight-gain of one Matt Hardy; a growing bulbousity that has upgraded his system to at least V2.5. (V3 is forthcoming.).

That said, for poor Matt Hardy, the jokes were numerous, and the defenses non-existent. After all, many had stated that brother, Jeff has had no weight issues, so what gives with Matt? An answer I always deduced as, "It's hard to put on any weight when you have your stomach pumped of all it's poisons by detox doctors every night!"  That's right.

That said, I have never bought into this cruel hyperbole and have ALWAYS defended Matt, his amoeba pajamas, and his unfortunate hairline against all these wantonly cruel jokes about his rapidly expanding waistline with FERVOR. A word I don't even know the meaning of. When people said things like "Fat Hardy" I said... well, nothing. That was kind of funny. But I still didn't agree! I knew there was a logical explanation. After all, I'd imagine actually slapping a tornado would work up quite the appetite. A man's gotta eat!

But never fear, Mfer's (not motherfuckers. Well, at least not most of you.), Matt himself has FINALLY come onto the scene to set the record STRAIGHT:

"Basically, in a nutshell, my intestines were slowly tearing through my abdomen, which affected my training greatly, my in-ring work, and my physical appearance."

SEE. It was his intestines! Told you.INTESTINES. INTESTINES FILLED WITH FOOD~! Wait. I'm sorry.

Anyway, speaking of Matt's aforementioned "Nutshell", that brings us to the following VISUAL PROOF -- Proof that you may never sleep again!

The following picture just appeared on Matt Hardy's "WWE UNIVERSE" page--I'm sure to the delight of the 12 year old girls there who likely still haven't come to terms with their own hairless Va-jay-jays, let alone what appears to be their soon-to-be-ex-crush, Matt Hardy's....


Dear Christ. I guess I can scratch "Candid shot of Matt Hardy's pubic bone" off my to-do list.

Seriously. That is the stuff of nightmares right there. And here I thought it would be Lita who'd have the more ravaged vagina. Shows what I know.

So, there you go. The proof is in the pudding! Pudding which is slowly digesting inside Matt Hardy's gunt, no doubt.

Oh, dear god.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

This picture is like a car wreck. I cannot help staring at it, despite my visceral gut reaction to look away. BUT I CANNOT. In fact, the longer I stare at it...the more ANOTHER image comes screaming to the forefront. An image now burned into my collective subconscious forever! I KNOW I've seen this same hairless, swollen pudginess before SOMEWHERE....

...BUT WHERE?

Oh, dear god.


THE WATER-RETAINING FACE OF MICHAEL COLE~!

VINTAGE MANGINA~!

Tell me I'm wrong.

I'm Sean.
And believe it or not, Michael Cole and Intestines do have at least one thing in common--when left to their own devices, they sure do produce a lot of shit.

P.S. I'm not really this much of an asshole. I just play one on the Internet.

P.P.S. New TWF site design (umm, duh) coming sometime this weekend! We're finally stepping into the umm, twentieth century! So, stay tuned! Or ignore it completely! Whatever.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).