Hey, there Fuckies, I'm Sean and this is the Back-Leg Frontkick! God's favorite wrestling column. It's true. You see, it was *originally* one of the Gospels, but the Catholic church had it removed. Apparently it was all the masturbation references and inferences to male rape. Good thing the rest of the Bible doesn't have anything disgusting like that in there. Oh.

That said, this is my spooky,scary Halloween edition of the BLFK! So brace yourself!...For nothing really remotely connected to Halloween whatsoever.  What can I say. Although, I suppose, if you're *really* that disappointed with my lack of Halloweeny content, and *truly* wanted to be absolutely terrified that badly, I guess I could tell you that I may or may not have wrote 2/3rds of this column in the nude. Scared yet? Oh, and for the record, as a result, my brother told me this was definitely the last time he'd ever let me come over and use his computer again. Oh well. What can you do? Wear pants? Probably.

Anyway, over the last couple of months, I've been jockeying over what type of column to write. When I first got into the game, I posted history pieces that I primarily submitted to Live Audio Wrestling and the Toronto Star. Unfortunately though, despite the fact I have a painfully nerdy encyclopedic memory when it comes to wrestling, I soon grew bored of this and needed to move on. This may or may have been born out of necessity, though, as they didn't really appreciate me slipping in jokes that may or may not have outed Jeff Hardy as a homosexual during his rehab time. My well wishes to Mr. Hardy that he need not worry, because he'd be "back on his knees in no time", apparently only amused me. Oh well.

Once I got over to 411, I wrote satire much like the Rants on this site, and ultimately, I decided that this was a style I'm much more comfortable with for a column, mostly because, well, I'm insane. And coherency and journalistic integrity are like my own personal Kryptonite. You see, my original home planet was made entirely out of Integrity, but here, on Earth, and due to the yellow sun, it is my only weakness. I also cannot see through lead or go an entire day without masturbating. With great power comes great responsibility. Or so they say. I really wasn't listening.

That said, though, I thought I'd settle from this point forward on just rambling Gonzo style. My commentary, news-bits, and out and out absurdity will be the norm. Sometimes I may be serious, other times so condescending it'll hurt, but most of the time you'll just wonder if I had a full frontal-lobe lobotomy whilst writing it. Sound good? Here we go!

RASSLIN' NEWS & RANDOMNESS!

-Why is it that every fucking newcomer seems to debut in the same exact manner on Smackdown? You know, come out of nowhere in their underwear, lose to someone more experienced, then have Undertaker run in and save their ass before rustling their hair backstage like a fucking small child? The recent plucky upstart in question is one Orlando Jordan, whom I was sad to discover is neither that motherfucker from the 7-up commercials, or an obscenely expensive sounding basketball sneaker. Who he is, is a dead ringer for B-movie martial-artist (and soon to be Sandwich artist at Subway if his movies keep going straight to DVD) Billy Blanks. Well, if Billy Blanks mistakenly opened the Ark of the Covenant, that is. And sadly, that's all you get from WWE. No back story. No gimmick. Just a random dude that you're supposed to care about. Just because.  Did I mention he throws a mean dropkick? Yes, it's true. His dropkick cares not for your feelings and gets off on saying cruel things to people if only to heighten its own lack of self-worth.  True story.

- This just in! Wrestlemania XX is a sellout!  What happened, Wrestlemania? I remember when you had principles! Oh, they meant, umm never mind.

-According to a press release, apparently TNA wrestling will now be not watched in 40 million more homes! I for one would like to congratulate them.

-WWE has apparently raised 80,000 dollars for the families of fallen soldiers!  Or maybe they could have just helped them up and saved the money? Oh, they meant. Awkward. Seriously though, that's awesome. Originally, they were going to just give the families free WWE pay-per-views for one year, but they ultimately decided that they had already suffered enough. Good thinking.

-WWE has finally settled their lawsuit with Lewmar, the harness company that supplied the equipment that lead to Owen Hart's untimely death.  During the case, it was said that Triple H of all people insisted to the defense council that they re-enact the scene in question repeatedly, using the very same harnesses, before personally volunteering Rob Van Dam, Chris Jericho and Booker T. as test subjects to prove his point. "We really need to get to the bottom of this controversy once and for all", said HHH. " At my own expense, well Steph's actually, I've personally conducted many stress tests on these very harnesses. They were FINE. Well, most of them. Ok. One was. But I think, given the circumstances, that's still pretty good." he continued,  before ultimately concluding with "We all want justice, really we do. But if you had to kill a few mid-carders to ensure the safety of the Heavyweight Title division, wouldn't you have to do that? I mean, wouldn't you?".

Man, I don't know why the defense didn't really run with that. If the harness fits you must acquit. What could have gone wrong? It seemed like bullet-proof defense to me. Falling from the ceiling? Not so much.

- Apparently, WWE is looking to add more continuity to their product by insisting that wrestlers sell injuries on house shows. Except Kane getting decapitated in a car. Or thrown into a burning dumpster. I mean, really, if he actually sold those injuries, and I don't know, FUCKING DIED, how would Shane McMahon pin him clean on all the house shows and ruin his credibility? WWE thinks about the future. LITERALLY.  It's mostly just Vince picturing Divas in one-piece Star-Trek unitards, and figuring how to make a matter transporter that can teleport HHH's water bottle into his hand. But hey, the future is the future. What can you do? He's doing his part.

Anyway, all kidding aside, but hey, not really, the above credo by WWE is being brought about to at least TRY and bring continuity back to the company. Wait, bring it back? When was it ever here? WWE Continuity is a lot like Mr. Snuffleuffagus on Sesame Street. No one ever sees the motherfucker no matter how often it's promised. I think there's a better chance you'll see fucking Randy Savage and Bret Hart do a little Vaudeville soft-shoe number in the ring on RAW next week, than say, see long-term Continuity in WWE. Although, who wouldn't want to see Bret Hart tap dance? Then spit in Vince's face after he calls for the bell and has him dragged out of the ring with the comically oversized hook. But seriously, WWE hasn't ever been known for creating storylines that exactly make sense in the long-term. I mean, take Chuck Palumbo, who has been put through the ringer (no pun intended) of the gimmick Rolodex, as in one calendar year, he went from picking benwa balls out of his crevace and planning his life-nuptials with one Mr. Ass (whose name suddenly made a helluva lot more sense), only to join the unforgiving world of organized crime like 6 months later?! Ya, Wise-guys are usually pretty accepting of homosexuality. Ahem. All I know is, if I was Nunzio, I wouldn't ask ol' Chuck to whack ANYBODY. Lord knows what you'd get.  WWE + Continuity? Give me a break.

-When Big Show mentioned that he didn't like The Guerrero's "kind", did he mean talented wrestlers? Man, who'd think in today's day and age we'd still see flagrant racism against cruiserweights? You should be ASHAMED of yourself, Big Show. There's no excuse for BIGotry. HIYO.  

Mercy Is

Hey, I wrote a No Mercy Rant last weekend~! Read it! But in case you're lazy, here's the quick and dirty:

-Tajiri retained his Cruiserweight title against Rey Mysterio thanks to interference by the Yakuza. No, not that Yakuza. I'd think the *real* Japanese Mafia would forsake CATCH-AS-CATCH WRESTLING FURY~! in favor of, I don't know, guns.  I mean, you can only shake down so many business owners with the threat of Sky Twister presses for so long...

-Chris Benoit defeats A-Train, NYC's hairiest form of Public transit. I heard the reason why Japan's trains are faster is because they use a Lady Remington. You heard it here first. Unfortunately.

-Matt Hardy version 1 loses to Zach Gowen Version 0.5. Zach's dream of leaving his prosthetic backstage and thus winning the Royal Rumble is just a few months away. WRESTLEMANIA HERE HE COMES. WHERE DREAMS ARE INDELIBLY ETCHED INTO THE ANNALS OF TIME. Unless that dream involves having two legs. Sorry.

-The Bashams defeated APA. But seriously, is BRADSHAW really the dude you want to wear BONDAGE GEAR around, guys? Didn't you see Pulp Fiction? This can only end badly. Trust me.

-Vince McMahon defeats 'Stone Cold' Stephanie McMahon who just plum refuses to quit! Then she eats said plum 'cause she's so hungry. The end comes when the Linda McMahon robot throws in the towel. What a waste. After watching Stephanie's Tig Ol' Bitties bounce around for 10 minutes in a leotard I could have really used it.

The highlight of the match, other than the fact that the 350 pound A-Train submitted earlier, yet Stephanie would not, is Cole's brazen claim that Vince McMahon outweighed her by 200 pounds. Man, you'd never know to look at him that Vince was 450 pounds.  So, ya. That was what it was. Originally, I had pegged this thing to die a slower death than Starr Jones with the flesh eating virus, but it really wasn't that bad. Not exactly the way I'd send my daughter off to be married though. Maybe the McMahon's are really from Appalachia and not Connecticut? I think that's the only other place where rolling around with your daughter before she gets hitched to another man is commonplace.

-John Cena creates some new funky beats by tapping on the mat. Yes sir, Kurt Angle and the duct tape holding his varying body parts on is triumphant. Hip Hop falls to Hip replacement surgery, eventually? Probably.

-Big Show is your new U.S. Champion after defeating Eddie Guerrero in the best feud built around shit since, well, any of Diesel's title defenses in 1995.

- WWE Champion Brock Lesnar defeats Undertaker in a Biker chain match when Vince McMahon costs Taker the match, just because. And hey, I'm thinking that in *real* Biker fights, the two sides don't waste time hanging a fucking weapon on a pole. Just saying. "Wait! We can't fight to the death until we make sure that chain is secured up there fair and square, otherwise this whole thing just might turn into a free for all!" Ahem.

Like Scrotum, that was No Mercy in a Nutshell.

Skullets in the news....

In case you haven't been keeping up with the news, Hulk Hogan was like THIS CLOSE to debuting in TNA where we'd finally get the REMATCH OF THE CENTURY: Hulk Hogan vs. Jeff Jarrett,.You remember, their last match?  You know, the one where Hulk was screwed by Vince Russo? The cries of "You'll never see that bald piece of shit again" are still heard to this day. Usually by me in reference to my grandfather. I don't really get invited over much anymore.

 

That said, apparently, while in Japan, bodyslamming anyone thing that dared be fat or not American, Hulkster was INJURED. Oh no! Man, I knew his reckless style would catch up with him eventually. But sadly, this now means that the Main Event of TNA's yet to be named 3 hour November PPV (RASSLEMANIA?) is in serious question. TNA's solution? Buy some time by bringing in Hulk's manager, Jimmy Hart to feud with Jeff Jarrett. Dear god. From there, Jimmy promised a former protégé to face Jarrett: HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN. Except, you know, Jim was never managed by Jimmy Hart. Huh. Maybe It's TNA that needs that fucking continuity mandate. Holy shit.

 

However, the scuttlebutt now is that Hulk by gawd FAKED the whole thing, and is just posturing for a big payday in WWE in time for Wrestlemania XX. So, ya, sad to say, it looks like Hulkamania won't be running, err, "casually walking at a pace that limits hyperextension and injury" wild any time soon. But that doesn't mean TNA won't continue to bring in more Hogan cronies and WCW castoffs! Yay! You still have all that to look forward to! Hell,  maybe they'll even change the X-Division title to the XXL title? I mean, it'd be perfect for say Brian Knobs. Provided they could pry him from the orange ass of the Hulkster and hoist him in the ring. Stay tuned to Nitro.

 

On the WWE side, Paul Heyman is the NEW kayfabe General Manager of Smackdown! YES. Although, is putting a guy who ran his own company out of business in charge of your company's finances really the best idea? As much as he means well, I don't even know how he'll even make matches. I mean, the guy has practically trained himself to*accidentally* forget to sign things for YEARS, so good luck ever getting that contract stipulation official. But hey, whatever. It's still better than Stephanie McMahon. Even if Heyman does end up making all his GM announcements from the set of Rollerball...