Hey, we know how this works, I take wrestling’s various headlines, and in turn make light of them because I’m a bad person and stuff.
Bill Goldberg was reportedly kicked out of the Playboy
Mansion last week after making his way into an off limits area of the mansion.
He was told by security to leave at which point he apparently got upset and
confrontational.
Goldberg got confrontational? Well, that’s definitely out of character for the big guy.
But seriously, who gets kicked out the fucking Playboy Mansion? It's the ultimate den of iniquity. What the hell would actually be off limits there? I mean, you’re talking about a place where in plain sight you can probably see two women giving Verne “Mini Me” Troyer a blow job in the pool. I can’t imagine any place upstairs or down being taboo. But hey, who knows? Maybe Goldberg showed up to the pajama party “Commando”? "This IS what I sleep in! WHO'S NEXT!". Dear god, I know I wouldn't want to be within two feet of his umm, jackhammer in that regard. Especially since his natural inclination seems to be squatting a lot and then leaping towards your groinal region.
But seriously (OK , not really), what could Goldberg possibly have done that merited being kicked out of a place that willingly lets James Caan dissolve in the pool? Wear shoot-fighting gloves with a paisley house coat? Take offense to the Bunnies (nude) "streak" and obliterate them? You know, while having Bobby Heenan keep an inflated running tab of how many models he's taken out? Or maybe in a fit of rage, punch out all the windows in the house? It is after all instinct for this guy to attack anything made of glass. Hell, maybe he mule kicked John Stamos into the Grotto, giving him a concussion, and causing an eventual stroke? That one, I'd agree with. He needs to be punished for Full House. They all do.
One thing I do know, though, is that Goldberg is a moron. Just think, had he played his cards right, he might have been “spearing” something other than Jerry Flynn for once. But hey, I hope this outburst doesn't effect his burgeoning movie career. You know, the one, where he goes against type by portraying a psychotic, growling muscleman who destroys people. It's a tough act to pull off, sure, but I have a feeling that if anyone can somehow find a way to pull it off, it's Goldberg.
Anything Can
Happen In The WWF!
World Wildlife
Fund sues WWE again….
The following
was a press statement released by World Wildlife Fund:
WHAT: WWF, the
global conservation organization, serves papers seeking a damage judgment that
will bring a fair and final conclusion to years of litigation with World
Wrestling Entertainment.
WHEN:
Documents were served Friday, Oct. 29, 2004.
WHERE: The case will be determined by the British High
Courts.
WHY: The case stems
from the widespread use and promotion of the initials WWF in connection with
wrestling events and products in a repeated breach of a longstanding agreement
with the conservation organization, which had used the moniker since its
inception in 1961. In 2002, a
In this phase of the
case, the court will assess damages against the wrestlers for repeatedly
violating a legally binding agreement over the use of our initials and causing
the resulting difficulties and damages to WWF. Guided by British law and
previous cases, the claim to assist the court in determining fair damages by
estimating the revenue WWF might have received had the wrestlers legally
licensed the initials from WWF instead of simply taking them. The ultimate
dispensation of the case may still be years away.
WHO: Edwin Coe LLC represents WWF.
NOTES: WWF officials express hope
that, with the "name issue" decided and the question of damages now in the hands
of the court, the inflammatory rhetoric that characterized earlier parts of the
case can be avoided. "The time has come to put the battle behind us and let both
organizations return their full focus to what they do best," says Philip B.
Kavits, WWF's vice president of Communications. "We want the world to know that
WWF stands for one thing and one thing only, action to save our living planet.
When the costs, distractions and confusion of the case come to an end, we'll be
free to again devote our full attention and resources to producing the
conservation progress that WWF is known for."
Known in the
This news release and associated material can be found on
http://www.worldwildlife.org
The funny thing is, if Vince hadn’t been so arrogant and blatantly broke the original agreement he signed with World Wildlife Fund almost a decade ago, the WWE would still be called “WWF” today, and we’d be spared having to watch butchered revisionist history where Bob Backlund is a former “WWE” champion, and the turn buckle pads are more blurry than the face of a shirtless convict on Cops. That, and children out there would be spared in the indignity of having their moronic parents out there buy them a lunch-pail with a fucking Panda eating bamboo on it, when what they really wanted was HHH pedigreeing some hopless mid-carder. Poor hapless bastards. Try telling them "they're saving the earth" whilst they lay upside down in their own locker.
However, this
recent lawsuit is frivolous at best. And I know this because I've watched like a
ton of Law & Order. And from where I stand (sit) that actually makes me more
credible than someone who actually has a full understanding of the law. The fact
is, WWE did everything but set fire (AN ECOLOGICAL DISASTER
AVOIDED! Who knows how long the Giant Gonzalez bodysuit would have
burned) to
If anything, WWE should have the gripe currently, as they’ve been the
ones hit hardest financially since the name change. They’ve erased almost every
link (at great expense) of their former identity, while a few hemp-wearing
hippies over in
The irony of this whole situation is that WWF’s (the Fund) main gripe was Vince utilizing the Attitude era scratch logo, and the initials “WWF” OUTSIDE of America. That's it. They also had issues with the name “WWF.com” for fear of people looking for them, and instead being redirected to the Wrestling website where they'd be instantly sent to a locale where a growling HHH, arms out-stretched, looking like he's just blown his load would be awaiting. And to a person looking for vital information on the fledgling spotted Owl, this could be DEVASTATING. The funny thing is, after they won the lawsuit (which like I said earlier could have all been avoided if when overseas, Vince just referred to his product under the full name “World Wrestling Federation”), the World Wildlife Fund went ahead and sold their acquired web address (WWF.com) to... wait for it….. A WRESTLING message board! Hey, who knows, maybe their webmaster pulled a plastic beer holder off a pelican or something to get that coup, who knows. This just always struck me funny because their suit made it quite clear that they weren’t happy with the possibility of ever being mistaken with wrestling, yet, they don’t bat an eyelash about selling the domain to a wrestling webmaster. Anyone but Vince I guess, that endangered species hating, vulgarity spewing Carny! Maybe they have photos of him wearing more fur than the Ghost of Christmas Present. Who knows.
So in closing, if this case ever does make it to court, I’d like to see Vince counter-sue for compensatory damages, from all the losses the company has had in the transition from the WWF to WWE. And until Vince gets his day in court, I’ll go kick a spider monkey in the face as a show of loyal support. WWE FTW.
Dropping A Load; And as surprising as this is,
it does make sense. They had to cut the fat to make room for… Viscera ? Who of course was last seen last Monday as
Christian’s latest "Problem Solver" (Problem Solver? Ya, maybe if your “problem”
is that you have too much food in your refrigerator). And why not, Vis? I
mean, why keep an uncoordinated, ugly, fat man (Albert) and a guy (Billy
Gunn) who gets blown up in five minutes, when you can bring in one man, Viscera, who embodies BOTH of these traits at
once? It's just good business. If by chance you run your company in the Mirror
Universe All kidding aside, I feel bad
for Albert. Really, I do. He has at least made an effort to improve, (which
he has) and certainly could have pulled off the bodyguard role better than Tyson
Tomko. As for Billy though, good riddance. I never bought his push from the
beginning, as I’ve always felt that anytime he’s been “over”, he’s had the
benefit of being surrounded by those whom had WAY more charisma than he, and in turn
rode their coat tails. Kind of like me and Harry. I mean, remember those
great Billy DX promos? You know, the ones where he just stood befuddled
while Helmsley, Road Dogg and EVEN X-Pac would cut promos as he’d just crotch
chop and tell us that he had “two words for us”? He was graded on a curve like
the retard who passes Science just because he finally had the resolve to not
eat a glue-stick. I've just never seen what WWE saw in this guy. Every
time he was on his own, he fell flatter than an amputee in a potato sack race.
It was just horrible. Hell, even working a program with the seemingly
unstoppable heat machine in 1999 that was The Rock didn’t get his (Mr.) Ass
over. And this was even with the entire WWE machine behind him… and Jim Ross, who was
constantly touting him as the WWF’s greatest all around athlete….even though,
past the 5 minute mark, he was sucking more wind than the guy from Jake and The
Fatman in a 5k race. But hey, that's what all great all around athletes do. He's
like the best basketball/football/baseball player in the world for like 90
seconds. Then he explodes Scanners-style while breathing heavier than Cohagen
when he fell out the fucking Bio-Dome in Total
Recall. I guess though, we can
expect a TNA run, where I wouldn’t think it’d be too farfetched to think he’d
reunite with Road Dogg…err I mean BG James. Now the only question that remains
if Billy can use the “Billy Gunn” name, because let’s be frank, Ain’t no one
gonna pay to see someone named Monty Sopp. Maybe they can call him BJ James? I mean he was once engaged to a man, after
all. Test, though, was a huge
surprise to me. And particularly scummy in my opinion due to the fact that he
was injured in a WWE ring. And because it was technically a “work place” injury,
I wouldn’t think it’d be too hard to keep him around. I mean they didn’t wheel
Droz out to the parking lot with his carryall and roll his ass into
traffic when he got hurt, right? All I know is, I’d would hope to be taken
care of financially if I got hurt while on the job. And besides, out of all the
tall guys who can't promo and who kick people in the face out there, he's
the one they axe? At least the motherfucker left his feet once in a while, and I
don't know, actually connected on his offense. But hey, I guess you got
to make room for the Diva Hopefuls, though! And they'll be passing the Test
soon themselves. The gag reflex test, that is, that sees if they can finish
taking Johnny Ace's full bounty without puking. Good luck,
girls! Anyway, I came across this
headline at PWInsider.com on Test’s apparent
release: We have more
information on the firing of Andrew “Test” Martin by WWE earlier this week. Test
was released while he was still out rehabbing his neck after having extensive
surgery in June. He is still looking at least six more months of rehab on the
neck but was still let go by WWE.
Releasing someone while they were rehabbing a work related injury is something
that they rarely did in the past. Martin received the news via a phone call from
John Laurinaitis, who told him that it was not his decision but that of Vince
McMahon. When asked why he was being let go, Laurinaitis told him that for what
he was being paid, WWE could sign six developmental talents and it was
purely a financial decision. When Test asked Laurinaitis what he was supposed to
do for the next six months when he was not able to work, a source close to the
situation told me that he was told by Laurinaitis, “I had hoped that you saved
some money” or words to that effect. Laurinaitis then told Test to give WWE a
call when he’s healthy again about maybe coming back to work, which he
reportedly said “no thanks” to. If the above is true, than John Laurinaitis is a
heartless asshole. If only the roles were reversed here. After all, John himself
was a highly mediocre wrestler who could never get over in the But hey, why take
accountability for the fact that you are completely incompetent, when you can
just release a bunch of people who are unrelated to the financial losses
instead. That's like having a hangnail, so you amputate someone else's
foot. Holy shit. Also, I can't understand why
Gail Kim and Nidia are also gone. I mean, Rodney Mack, sure, who'll
now have to fend for himself out there demolishing random Caucasians for daring
to be white, despite he himself being paler than 90% of them. But Gail &
Nidia's releases upsets me. The only thing I've ever wanted to see them
"released" from was those pesky binding clothes they wear. Poor girls. They had
a lot to still offer the WWE. And here they even each relocated to
entirely city-less countries for this company. With Gail even re-unifying
Korea for the sake of WWE's continuity. SHE EXTINGUISHED COMMUNISM for you WWE.
Ahem. So, ya, that's depressing. Hell, Nidia even went out and got herself the
most gravity defying breasts this side of Stephanie McMahon to get over. And all
while she was BLIND. Man, if losing your eyesight merited a 2 full bra-size
change, I'd just go and poke my old lady in the eyes as hard as I could Roddy
Pip-style and hope for the best. I never thought she
would be turfed so fast. Especially when you consider that there’s 4 other
Divas out there who each possess the collective wrestling skills of a drunken
Mongoloid, but fare better in the grueling and unforgiving WAR that is a
Bikini contest (YOU'VE GOTTA WANT IT!) than Nidia. I’m not mentioning any
particular names, but one may rhyme with “Torrie
Wilson”. Wait. I fucked that up. So, ya, that's the deal all
going on there. And I for one am so upset about it all that I'll
just make a bunch of tasteless jokes than never mention it again. That's
how upset I am. You haven't heard the last of this, WWE~! But you probably
have. Remind Me To
Never Go To It appears that
both Sean Waltman & Chyna have agreed to release their “sex tape” and have
signed a deal with the same company that produced Paris Hilton’s infamous tape.
The working title of the tape will be “One Night In The company has
actually flown Waltman to Rather than have
the tape circulate around unofficially they decided to work together as a couple and
release the tape the proper way. Flying X-Pac all the way to Anyway, if anything, just the existence of this tape goes
to prove how far gone ol’ XXX-Pac was on drugs. I mean, come on, I’d just have
to take one look at Chyna’s extra appendage before I’d use my “educated feet” to
run the fucking hell out of there. When
this tape does surface though, I’d probably watch it out of morbid curiosity,
but I have this sneaking suspicion that viewing this thing will have the same
effect that the tape from “The Ring” had. “Before you die, you see X-Pac’s ringpiece".
Oh dear god. Give This
Woman A Hand: Trish Stratus has been experiencing some numbness in her
hand lately. Unfortunately, in many cases (like Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle, Ric
Flair, etc.), it has proven to be the first sign of major neck problems.
It’s
funny, but after watching most of Trish’s matches, my hand is numb too. I wonder
why that is. All kidding aside, this is the last thing the fledgling Women’s
division needs right now. With all the cuts to half the division’s talent pool,
(that should be closed down since there a lot of turds in it) Trish going
on the shelf would be the final stake to the heart (by way of silicone sack) of
the fledgling division. Get well, Trish! And ignore the obviousness that I
just posted this newsbit so I could make that numb hand
joke... TNA Declares War!....With Delicious Chocolatey
Treats! The following (ongoing) story may be one of the
funniest things to go down in a long time:
-WWE was at Universal Studios in Orlando, FL taping their
promo for the Royal Rumble when suddenly a bunch of TNA guys showed up. Jeremy
Borash, David Sahadi and other unidentified TNA employees came in a peaceful
manner and stopped by the taping. According to eyewitness reports they had
conversations with Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio and Chris Jericho. Vince McMahon
was said to be nearly irate at the fact that the TNA guys showed up. Also, Val
Venis and Rhyno were seen hanging out with Team Canada at a post Impact taping
bar on Tuesday night. They all broke into the business
together. -More on the WWE/TNA confrontation at Universal Studios has
come in. Jeremy Borash and David Sahadi apparently set up a welcoming of sorts
with Traci Brooks going in first with a batch of cookies and and Abyss going in
with balloons, sort of as a "welcome" for WWE coming to Universal Studios.
Interestingly enough, WWE has already filed a complaint against Universal
Studios and has threatened TNA with a lawsuit if they use any footage from
inside the WWE filming.
[WrestlingObserver.com] TNA TO ISSUE “APOLOGY” TO VINCE
McMAHON AND WWE November 12, 2004 (Nashville, TN)
In response to media reports about a misunderstanding that occurred at Universal
Studios in Orlando, FL this past Wednesday – TNA Entertainment issued an apology
to Vince McMahon and WWE for what was apparently a mistakenly perceived
“hostile” act. In recent months, Universal
Studios and TNA have become the epicenter of the wrestling world. Last Sunday at
Victory Road, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and “Macho Man” Randy Savage made their
dramatic returns to professional wrestling. Even the immortal Hulk Hogan was
backstage and also witnessed the electricity of that historic night. Two days
later, during a TV taping for iMPACT!, Diamond Dallas Page made a surprise
return to the ring. This past Wednesday, Vince McMahon
and all the top stars of WWE were at Universal Studios, just feet from TNA’s
Sound Stage 21, to film a commercial. TNA staff was elated that the WWE
was coming to their home. While filming vignettes that day for TNA’s upcoming
pay-per-view, “Turning Point”, TNA Superstars 3 Live Kru, Traci, Abyss and “The
Franchise” Shane Douglas decided to offer some hospitality and welcome WWE to
their home. Carrying cookies and balloons, they approached the WWE talent during
a break in their shooting. However, the congenial welcome was met with
ungracious resistance. The WWE talent immediately withdrew to their studio,
where they remained sequestered behind closed doors. WWE has filed a formal letter of
complaint with Universal Studios. One senior WWE official even sent a production
assistant to TNA Soundstage 21 and delivered a verbal warning that if any WWE
talent was filmed by TNA, “we will sue your f—— a–.” “I was disheartened,” said “The
Franchise” Shane Douglas. “If our kind gesture was mistakenly perceived as
threatening and hostile, we sincerely apologize.” Even the monster Abyss, in a rare
melancholy moment, was seen with a tear in his eye, still clutching the very
same balloons that no one from WWE wanted. “Personally, I just wanted some
mahi mahi,” confessed BG James, upon seeing the elaborate WWE catering spread.
“The only thing I had to eat all day was a stinking cold sandwich from my cheap
free-lance producer. Now I know how the other half eats.” Some things in life are
consistent. Success breeds envy. The bully always picks on the little guy. But
we all know how the story of David and Goliath
ends… Hahaha. The thought of Abyss with balloons is maybe the
single greatest visual in modern wrestling history. If anything, WWE should be
angry that they haven’t written anything as
unintentionally hilarious as a 300 pound masked monster rolling out the welcome
wagon. However, if you’re going to send someone over to the WWE as a "good-will
ambassador", is Shane Douglas really your man? I
mean, really. Anyway, you have to admire TNA
for trying to milk (which'd go great with those cookies) some publicity
out of this whole thing. And hey, you’d actually
think that Vince would appreciate the creativity of the situation. It’s no DX
storming WCW Nitro, but it is still pretty funny. Besides, you'd think Stephanie
McMahon would speak up. I'd think she'd appreciate anyone bringing large
amounts of food. Just saying.
Be A (MACHO)
Man The following is
some tidbits in the ongoing Randy Savage saga:
After making his debut this past Sunday at the TNA Victory
Road PPV, Randy Savage contacted TNA officials this afternoon and said that he
was pulling out of all future
appearances. Savage was schedule to appear on tonight’s Impact! taping.
He was originally booked in a match for December’s PPV, Turning Point, in a tag
team match with Monty Brown and AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett and The
Outsiders. Savage claimed they had an “unsafe working environment”
after his run-ins with Hulk Hogan backstage at Victory Road. Hogan and Savage
had a conversation backstage and Hogan offered him to step outside so they can
settle their differences. Hogan then asked for their issues to be left in the
past and Savage ignored his comments and walked
off. Then
one week later: - Randy Savage was
back at the TNA taping, flanked by Bryan Adams. Backstage rumors include that
one of Savage's demands to return was that Jimmy Hart not be allowed anywhere
near him or in the gorilla position when he is appearing, due to Hart and Hulk
Hogan's close relationship. Also part of his return agreement: limo service from
his home to the event, a private dressing room, and two security guards of his
choice at the events (last night's were supposedly Bryan Adams and Ron Harris,
although some say Harris just visiting). This is hysterical. First,
what’s the deal with Bryan “Crush” Anyway, Savage who is impeding on Ultimate Warrior
territory here for lunacy, requires a full security force to keep Jimmy Hart at
bay? JIMMY HART. Hey, I know Jimmy Hart at 130 lbs and in his mid-50’s is a
dangerous adversary, but come on, TWO bodyguards? Maybe Macho is having
flashbacks to that Megaphone in 1987? I don't know. "I don't want, no I
don't, none of thattttt agaiinnn, oh no I don't, dig
it". In
any event, Savage did at least show up this
week at the TNA tapings, looking like he had just spent the last seven days
riding the boxcars cross country and eating out of garbage pails. And this
saddens me. I was a HUGE Randy Savage fan when I was a kid, so to see him
transforming into something that looked like it washed ashore was somewhat
upsetting to me. With all the great memories I have, I just don’t want to
remember the Macho Man looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway (complete with his
volleyball “Hogan”). "I have, yeah I have, created Fireeeeee!
Yeahhhhh!". And
all this without even seeing him wrestle yet in TNA. But, hey, at least
I'll always have his music. It speaks to me. (it says "Please, dear god,
turn this off. You still have time!" Ahem.). Carilto Caribbean Conspiracy! In recent WWE storylines, Carlito Caribbean Cool was said to
be in the same nightclub as John Cena when the Doctor of Thuganomics was
stabbed. And although Carlito swears innocence, I think we know better. He
clearly had the best motive. I mean, it's not like John has a movie he's
filming or anything that necessitated him leaving. With that said, we still required more concrete evidence before
pointing the finger, on a jaunty edgy angle so to please Cena's fanbase of
suburban white children, so we deployed our resident man on the scene, and crack TWF
reporter that we'll call “Bill Apter” for the sake of his identity, to
investigate Carlito’s somewhat shady past... and in turn reveal
several SHOCKING details that connect the young Puerto Rican standout to at least 4 of history's most shocking assassination
attempts! The following is a documentation of Mr. Apter’s completely real
and true and really true findings. 1) April 14th 1865-
John Wilkes Booth assassinates President Abraham Lincoln at the Ford’s theater.
Theater patrons later reveal that they remember seeing Booth earlier that same
day conversing with a young man sporting as they described a “Plantation” hair
styling and standing about in his unmentionables. Many also recall what appeared
to be a strange time piece attached to a large chain around the young man’s
neck. In a side note, as Booth was said to jump from the theater balcony in an
effort to escape, he was heard yelling out an unknown phrase, that only
now through translation can only be described as saying: “I choose
to discard my saliva into the visage of those gentlemen who
refuse to be reasonable.” 2) November 22, 1963- President John F.
Kennedy is assassinated by apparent lone gunman Lee Harvey Oswald from the Texas
Book Depository. However, as it is now been speculated, there MAY have been a
Carlito on the grassy knoll. Photos taken that day reveal Carlito amongst the
crowd as President Kennedy and First lady Jackie met with potential voters. It
is speculated that moments after the photo below was taken, a mysterious spray
of discarded apple was said to land on the first lady’s designer hot pink hat.
Although, some conspiracy theorists have
speculated that there may have been a second spitter. (This is a hotly contested
debate to this day.) Anyway, despite
this speculation, at this point there was still little evidence
to link Carlito with the assault. However, many in the crowd that day say
they do recall Carlito being somewhat vocal about
Kennedy’s apparent handling of the Cuban missile crisis, and as we know,
Cuba is technically a part of the Caribbean. Coincidence? Umm,
probably. 3) December 8th, 1980, celebrated songwriter and former Beatle
John Lennon is shot and killed by deranged fan Mark David Chapman (not to be
confused with actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. I think. People with three names are
always up to no good!). However, that same night, Lennon was seen giving what
appeared to be an autograph (as seen above right) to a man fitting Carlito’s
description. Yoko Ono (John’s wife) remembers the situation being odd as most
people tend to wear shirts and PANTS in the dead of winter in New York City.
Also, several onlookers insist that they recall Carlito
briefly conversing with Lennon over his song, "Imagine", to which Carlito
was speculated to state: "Imagine there's no heaven? Das not cool." Take that
for what it's worth. * Carlito was never officially questioned in the
murder. 4) March 30, 1982- John Hinckley Jr. attempts
(unsuccessfully) to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Carlito Caribbean Cool
is once again seen at the scene of the crime, this time to apparently protest
the President. As it turns out, apparently Carlito had as much disdain for
“Reaganomics” as he does “Thuganomics”, although, once again, police were unable
to connect Carlito to the crime. (although, an apple core was found
in the president’s wounds.). After being questioned by the
police, Carlito stated that he was just there in an attempt to see if Regan
would rechristen the Cold War...the "Cool war" because and I quote, that would
be "cool". Carlito was then released, but told to go get a haircut on the
account that Disco was fucking dead. In any event, this is all we
have acquired at the moment. But be assured, we will
continue to investigate these strange coincidences, and try to answer the
unanswered questions that continue to loom. Questions like motive,
Questions like his apparent religious FANATICISM (He was heard constantly
talking about "Jesus"); and most importantly, just how Carlito was able to
travel through time (Apter’s theory is a worm hole located in the Bermuda
Triangle….once again located in the CARIBBEAN.). More as this story
doesn't develop. The Good, The Bad & The
Snitsky In the last few weeks since my last update, I’ve had the
opportunity to take in a lot of wrestling, and not get laid, so with that
in mind, I decided to break down the best and the worst of what I had seen into
three different categories and give my two cents (which for the record is
worthless since I’m Canadian). Here we go: The
Good: Maven: For all the jokes I’ve made about Maven and his
eyebrows (which FINALLY look to be groomed. I wonder how much the landscaper
charged?), I have to admit I was impressed by what I saw on Monday night. Maven
has a direct and clear way of speaking, and actually gives a decent promo. Bar
the one snafu that saw him explain that when he said "JR would face Coach" he really meant RKO because the
“J” is silent. Huh? Wow, you’d think that someone who looked so much like a
Hey,
wait a minute, I’m supposed to be praising him! Forget what I said. Anyway, as
much as some people crapped on Maven’s chances against HHH, I enjoyed the match.
No one complained when Hunter faced Taka Michanoku in 2000, so why shit on this
now? And deep down, admit it, there was one point
where you actually thought to yourself: “My god, they might actually have
fucking Maven win this thing”. And why not? He'd break barriers. For YEARS,
due to prejudice and ignorance, People with UNIBROWS have been denied ever
scaling to the very top of this industry. It's also the reason why Cpl.
Kirshener was never a Champion. Well, that, and a complete and utter lack of
talent. But mostly the first part. Gene Snitsky: He’s the breakout star of 2004. Umm, literally.
He's big, ugly and has more acne than my pubescent cousin (I wonder if you
smeared that “Clearasil for Men” all over Gene Snitsky if he’d completely
disappear?). Yet, he’s completely over and people across the net sing his praises.
Snitsky is definitely 2004’s biggest success story. And this is all without
really bringing one solitary thing to the table. Besides obvious oily foods
that create a certain skin condition. Snitsky just possesses that
intangible that can’t be produced. He's the Anakin (Acnekin?)
Skywalker of the WWE. He's brought BALANCE to the sides of being AWESOME and
TERRIBLE all at once. Now if only we could convince him to bench press Vince and
throw him into Titan Tower's nuclear
reactor. Eugene & William
Regal: Not since the team of Dick Cheney & George
Bush has a tandem of a vile and rotten villain and a clueless retard so
captured the hearts of America. Regal may enter the ring to a theme that sounds
more like something you'd hear at a fucking redneck ho-down than in
England, and sometimes wrestle in my Grandmother's one-piece bathing suit, but
damn it, I love this man in the most un-gay way possible. I'm going to learn
from his magnanimous example and take a retard under my
wing, and also teach them to be EVIL. Some might sight teaching
learning and life skills, manners and holding a job as being the best traits
to administer to the disabled, but clearly, producing brass knuckles
from your underwear and punching people in the face is that much more poignant.
God bless this visionary. Edge: For a guy who was more brittle than Samuel
Jackson in Unbreakable for much of this past year, Edge has slowly but surely
became Raw’s most captivating character. I personally am really digging his
increasingly paranoid heel shtick and am interested to see where they’re
going. He may have more teeth than the namesake Alien in the movie by the
same name, but damn it, he's THE guy to look out for in
2005. Lita: Much like the now disposed of Gail Kim
(deported back to “Korea”, no doubt) Lita has traded in her "Catch as catch
CAN’T" style for a more believable mat based routine complete with her own
version of the rear naked choke.
A hold I too have mastered. Except I'm really nude. It's not that
popular. Lita
is clearly an example and ROLE MODEL to ALL pregnant women who had
their terms abruptly ended by acne-riddled giants. You don't just sit
around all day crying and eating, tubby. Go choke bitches out.
If only all post-partum women could moonsault like Lita. I guess for now
we should just be happy that their tits get really
big. The
Bad: John Cena, Carlito
Cool & The U.S. Title situation: How is it that John Cena can “recover” from
being “stabbed” in 3 weeks but Carlito will sit out for 3 months with a shoulder injury? What good is keeping a guy named Jesus
around if you can't utilize him
properly? Anyway, it now looks like Cena will begin a feud with
said Jesus, which is ironic because only someone named Jesus could heal
Cena that fast. The question now is whether they’ll keep the U.S. Title on Cena
or vacate it. All in all, it looks like Cena will face Jesus at the next
pay-per-view regardless, and this strikes me hilarious. I mean, am I the only
one who sees the irony in having to face Jesus at Armageddon? Turns out your pastor was right, after
all. Only I'm sure in HIS version, Jesus wasn't wearing nipple-high banana
colored slacks and a wifebeater. Muhammad Hassan: So, Muhammad Hassan has turned against
Simon Dean: After being in OVW for YEARS, I don’t blame
Nova for going with a gimmick, any gimmick, to FINALLY get his ass onto the main
roster. The only problem with a gimmick of a fat hating wrestler is that it
doesn’t work when 99% of the roster is chemically enhanced fucking jar
heads. In fact, Rosey can maybe thank the fact that he still has a job on the
fact WWE needed someone obese for Dean to feud with. Although, they could always bring back Piper. He’s
built like a bulk bag of The Ugly: NWA
TNA: They say those who
don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and much is the case with TNA,
whom with the addition of “elder statesmen” like (Cholseter)Hall, Savage and
Nash can officially change the company name to Total Nonstop Atrophy. Wolpack 4 LIFE, baby. Even if Vets
would insist on having them be put down by now due to advanced
age. Maria: I thought the point of the Diva Search was to
give a once in a lifetime opportunity to ONE woman? If I was a Jazz or a Gail
Kim, I’d be really pissed seeing Maria hacking her way through being Raw
interviewer while I was eating fruit cups in some dingy motel room in the middle
of nowhere after wrestling some no-hoper in a fucking armory or some Gymnasium
somewhere. However, Maria did “earn” her paycheck last week when Tough Enough: Are YOU Tough Enough? Can you take 300 days on
the road, bumps and bruises, jet lag, working through all kinds of pain…
and dry fucking 90 year old women? Hey, what? Seriously though, WWE has taken
everything that worked about Tough Enough (the insight into real training) and
turned it into another lame reality TV game show where the contestants have to
partake in stupid skits that have nothing to do with becoming a wrestler. And
besides, I think it’s become fairly obvious after the “shoot” with Angle, whom
WWE obviously has their sights on. The whole Mae Young skit was an obvious
vehicle to make sure Puder gets over. I mean, why do you think they had him out
there in that suit? It was the first thing your
eyes went to in that skit. Despite the fact he looked like fucking Ricardo
Montalban greeting vacationers on Diva Search cast-offs: Like mentioned above, what’s the deal with
hiring the LOSERS of a contest designed to reward one person’s dream? If they’re
all going to get hired anyway, what’s the point of voting anyone off in the
first place? It’s like having a Miss America pageant where all the runners up
end up being Miss A.I.M. To
Kill This is usually the spot where
I go over my thoughts for the week on Raw, Smackdown and whatever else I want to
blab about. This month, I thought I’d change it up a little bit and print a
recent AOL messenger conversation I had with one of my IWC brethren, my good
friend Justin Shapiro from Wrestling Observer, as we shot the shit this
past Monday night on various WWE topics. JMShapyro: How long has it been since
you've seen your own penis? JMShapyro: Ha JMShapyro: I can't wait to see
a Maven-controlled week of Raw JMShapyro: there will be no Billy & Chuck reunion seancarless1: yet, there's this strange quasi Ministry reunion going
on JMShapyro:
haha JMShapyro: baha seancarless1: it
is disheartening, yes. seancarless1: I never thought they'd ever top Team Lesnar from last
year JMShapyro: True
enough seancarless1:I've also never
really made the correlation between jacked up body builder and stylishly tinted
emo-glasses, but what do I know? JMShapyro signed off at 12:47:07
AM. Shopzone
Buffoonery Ever since I had a part in
pulling the unintentionally racist Booker Bear (now our site Mascot) from
WWE.com, I journey there every now and then in hopes that I can mess something
else up. (I kid). But seriously, I LOVE wrestling, and as many jokes as I make,
I can’t imagine not ever watching it (I’m not nearly as critical in my everyday,
non-internet life). But one thing I have NEVER understood is spending money on
certain WWE merchandise. And for the record, I’m not speaking of video
games, DVD’s or even the Theme song CD’s, but usually just the
tacky stuff you are expected to wear in public. Because as cool as you
think that Big Show "Big All Over" shirt is, and hope the ladies equate it to
your by god immense genitals, your Size 48 inch pants paint a completely
different picture, chief. So, with that said, I SCOURED
WWE SHOP recently, looking for merch that could be parodied and finally found
several items that fit the bill. So, I’ll post several random WWE’s
Shopzone ads of WWE's complete with their ACTUAL WRITE-UP, while
then revealing a REPLACEMENT product of my VERY OWN design right
after. It should be sexy. The Batista
T-Shirt! (Click here to see the real
pic) Real WWE write up: He’s arguably the most physically menacing WWE Superstar on
either Sports-Entertainment roster today. He has muscles in places that most
people don’t even have places and tattoos engraved over his massive muscles that
only add to his intimidating presence. For the first time ever, Evolution’s
beast has his own t-shirt which powerfully displays his signature body art.
There’s no stopping a man who has no remorse for his inflicted pain, so play it
safe and support his cause!! My write up: He’s arguably the most enhanced WWE Superstar
on either WWE Roster today. He has muscles in places that most people don’t have
places! And from there, he has little holes in those places that help make his
muscles! For the first time ever, Evolution’s beast has his own t-shirt which
powerfully displays his signature body art which looks like gibberish on TV!
There’s no stopping a man who has no remorse for his inflicted pain, often on
the audience, so play it safe and support his cause!... unless you’re the
Federal government or the Athletic commission, in that case, cut him a break,
‘kay? John Cena Foam
Knux! (Click here to see the real
pic) Real WWE write up: Protect yourself at your next WWE
Live Event with the Doctor of Thuganomics and his Word Life Foam Knucks. Nobody
will be looking your way for trouble after seeing the “Word Life” covered fists
flashed in their direction! Get hooked up and let the most powerful phrase on
SmackDown! do all your
talking!! My write
up: Protect yourself at
your next WWE Live Event with the Doctor of Thuganomics and his Word Life Foam
Knucks. Nobody will be looking your way (especially the ladies) for trouble
after seeing the “Word Life” covered fists flashed in their direction! Because,
as everyone knows, NOTHING hurts more than FOAM. Get hooked up (in your
locker) and let the most powerful phrase on SmackDown do all your talking!!
Unfortunately what they’ll “talk about” is: “how you’ve never been laid in your
life.” Order now, and we’ll throw in a rubber vagina as a
consolation! WWE Growth Chart: (click here to
see the real pic) Real WWE write
up: How do YOU measure up when standing next to Rey Mysterio?
If you're like most people, then chances are you'll be peering down at "The
Human Highlight Reel" in person. However, like the old saying goes, you can
never judge a book by its cover. Mysterio's explosive offense is enough to down
anybody on either roster of World Wrestling Entertainment. This is your chance
to experience the company of Mr. 619 without suffering the consequences of one
of his unlucky opponents!! My Write
up: How do your
Daughters measure up when standing waist-level to Jerry "The King" Lawler?
If you're like most teenage girls, chances are he’ll be peering down your top
and grabbing your ass. However, like the old saying goes, you can never judge a
book by its cover. Jerry maybe a King, but did you
know he was charged with Statutory rape and sodomy in 1993? Lawler’s
explosive offense is enough to go down on anybody as long as they’re under 16.
This is your chance to experience the company of Mr. 69 or suffer the
consequences (a battered asshole?) of one of his unlucky teenaged
girlfriends!! Undertaker Plush Bear! (click here to see the real
pic) Real WWE write
up: “The Deadman” is alive and breathing our air once again in
World Wrestling Entertainment. Creatures Of The Night will never be afraid of
the dark again with their leader fending off all that is evil on SmackDown!, and
especially since he can now sit in bed with them as well! “Rest In Peace” every
time you sleep with “The Undertaker’s Plush Bear right by your
side!! My Write up: “The Deadman” is alive and breathing our air
once again in World Wrestling Entertainment… but your children won’t be when you
purchase the new Undertaker Plush Bear! The only stuffed animal guaranteed to
haunt their dreams! Creatures Of The Night will never be afraid of the dark
again (although this draws the question, why would they call themselves
creatures of the night if they were afraid of the dark?) since he can
now sit in bed with them as well….from which he will gain a better vantage point
to discard his plush form and rise as an unholy specter, snatching your immortal
soul whilst you slumber! “Rest In Peace” the first time you sleep with
“The Undertaker’s Plush Bear right by your side! It just might be the last thing
you ever see….
HARRY SIMON VS. DAVE
GAGNON 1)Gene Snitsky
will be the next unexpected break out star. Gags: Fact.
Gene Snitsky will be the break out star that the WWE needed all along. After
killing all the babyfaces in the WWE, Snitsky will main event WMXXI against
Shawn Michaels in the inevitable Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice feud. After Snitsky wins
that match, he will learn that his girlfriend is pregnant. From there, he'll
turn face and learn the meaning of life trough the joy of parenthood. Harry:
True. He already is. "Baby killer" chants, signs that proclaim "Gene Snitsky =
Birth Control," etc. He's the most over new guy since RVD, and that's a fact..
2)When Vince dies,
the WWE will eventually go under. Gags: Fact.
Vince McMahon is the captain of the ship so when he'll die, WWE will eventually
die along. Maybe HHH, however, will not invest in outside projects like football
and movies, which would help the company so who knows? Harry:
True. Well hell, everything will eventually go under. But I'd say that once
Vince dies, the WWE has 5 years, tops. HHH and Steph will Russo things into
oblivion. If Shane's smart, he'll sell his half to them and stay locked up in
his mansion with his hottie of a wife and a basement full of corn oil. 3)Despite the Diva
Search's shortcomings, Tough Enough is WORKING on SmackDown thus far.
Gags:
BULLSHIT. Tough Enough 1 was an entertaining show but completely exposed the
business. We learned that everybody can do a moonsault after a couple of weeks
of training. We saw a nobody pull out a standing SSP. And, worse of all, the
most promising guys turn out to be short-lived performers (Nowinski) or total
idiots who didn't even made it to the indies (Hawk, Jake). Tough Enough 3 was
totally unnecessary and a waste of time. Much like all the reality tv shows, in
fact. Harry:
Bullshit. It hasn't popped ratings, and the first live segment they did with the
guys was so horrible, they killed the crowd and had to edit it all to hell
before it aired. Plus, it involved Big Show (who is on Eddie's babyface team at
Survivor Series) playing uberheel. 4)WWE's list of
"legends" in the new Raw Vs. SmackDown game is the most impressive yet;
Gags: Fact
but it's not like it was hard to beat. Bret Hart looks awesome (or, dare I say,
GagnonAwesome), LOD always look great, Beefcake is a funny addition. However, I
couldn't care less about playing with The Giant and, really, what is the
difference between LegendTaker and our current Undertaker besides the grey tie?
Harry:
Beats me. I don't follow the platform games. They're never gonna top the
greatness that was the 1990 WrestleFest arcade game. They should make an updated
version of that. 5)Pat Patterson
will resurface, only in NWA TNA Gags:
BULLSHIT. I don't know why Pat Patterson would bother being Jarrett's lackey. I
guarantee a New Age Outlaws reunion however. Harry:
Bullshit. He'll be back in the WWE to book the 2006 Royal Rumble after the 2005
Royal Rumble is a train wreck. If a guy like Yokozuna was too loyal to jump
during the Monday Night War when WCW offered him $10,000 for a run-in (okay,
waddle-in), no way does Pat-Pat bite the hand that fed him for TNA chump
change. Gene Snitsky Goes Gene Snitsky has it
all. Leading man good looks, undeniable screen presence, and a hatred for unborn
children. This alone makes him a perfect candidate to star in Family
films. With that said, we
here at The Wrestling Fan have decided to CAMPAIGN for Gene in Below is a couple of
potential Gene Snitsky vehicles; but feel free to contribute your ideas
here, and together WE can get Gene into Hollywood; a place he
could call home. (And with whores like Tara Reid running around there, he
may even get him some extra work on the side! It's
PERFECT!).
Well, But 'til then, I
leave you to finish masturbating to that disgusting website you think no one
knows
about. I’m Sean.
- The
following is from nwatna.com. It’s basically a sarcastic apology in response to
recent events between the two promotions but is an interesting read
nonetheless:
JMShapyro: Wait, that must
sound super weird if you didn't watch Raw.
seancarless1:
not long enough.
seancarless1: haha, lucky for you, I
did
JMShapyro: thank god
seancarless1: What did you think of Raw? And how about the
Maven-effect actually working? This was truly a great day.
JMShapyro: there was some really great stuff (Trish, Edge)
and some really horrible (Allah's new stable, Snitsky main events, return of
Maria, return of Viscera)
JMShapyro: haha indeed
JMShapyro: it was the Maven Effect heard round the world
seancarless1: I don't know what the deal with Vis is,
though.
JMShapyro: they probably used him just to make
Billy Gunn, Test, and Albert feel worse
seancarless1:
haha, you're right
seancarless1: Hey, if Vince likes to
see panting, sweaty, out of shape guys who wear trash bags, wrestle, I know
this homeless guy who'd be perfect. The only thing is you'll have to sign his
shopping cart full of tin cans, too.
JMShapyro: I'd
better temper the hilarity of my replies or else you'll see reruns in the
Heat report which is totally unprofessional.
seancarless1: haha
JMShapyro: Lita
as kiss of death~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
seancarless1: that was
hilarious
seancarless1: It's funny to me how Lita
manages to land in angles lately that work in spite
of her.
seancarless1: Lita is like a sitcom that has
a strong ensemble cast, but she stinks.
JMShapyro:
bahaha
seancarless1: Lita is the Shelley Long of
professional wrestling.
seancarless1:Well, if Shelly
was clumsy, urban, and earned her way into "bar-maiding" by sleeping
her way through Mexico.
JMShapyro: Eve is urban, like
Lita also not an actress, but I doubt her ensemble is as good as Kane and
Trish
seancarless1: haha, true
JMShapyro: clearly you're on the right track
seancarless1: clearly
seancarless1:
btw, I laughed pretty hard at your Thug-wife line from last night's Heat.
JMShapyro: racism is the funniest kind of discrimination
seancarless1: I always used to think that Jazz and Rodney
Mack were the same person, since they were never seen in the same place at
the same time.
JMShapyro: haha
seancarless1: kind of like the situation with Big Bird and
Mr. Snuffleuffagus on Sesame Street
JMShapyro:
along the lines of Bradshaw's Shelton/Shaniqua hypothesis?
seancarless1: Exactly. Although, I hold Snuffleufgagus in
higher standing.
seancarless1: Still though, I don't
understand Bradshaw's hate of Shaniqua.You'd think Bradshaw would love a woman
with an Adam's apple, if you believe certain
rumors.
seancarless1: I don't understand why they thrust Maven into
the Raw main-event when Regal would fit better.
JMShapyro: the future of Raw is in Maven's hands
seancarless1: Dear lord
JMShapyro: title shot for
Nidia!
JMShapyro: world title shot!
seancarless1: the public flogging and burning on
Christopher Nowinski?
JMShapyro: YES.
seancarless1: I'm hoping he also chooses that Jan the makep
lady fashion him some heavy slacks.
JMShapyro: good
god
seancarless1: I'm taking a stand against all these
tiny trunks
seancarless1: Trunks were ruined for me
after Dustin Rhodes insisted on wrestling for 10 years with an erection.....
seancarless1: Dustin Rhodes, the human sundial. It's
disturbing. Maybe Rene Dupree is really just a tribute to him. Wrestling is in
his blood! It's just relocated to his penis...
JMShapyro: =-O
seancarless1: Did
Rodney Mack still use the "Mack Militant" song?
seancarless1: I haven't watched Heat in forever
JMShapyro: it's been updated with a new phat hook
JMShapyro: an indecipherable one
seancarless1:haha
seancarless1:
It's like Heat is an alternate universe
seancarless1:
where angles happen that are never acknowledged
seancarless1: and people wrestle whom you had no idea were
still employed
seancarless1: like Custom Chucky
P. Who like you mention is starting to think he is really a car. I
hope it's not a pinto though. Maybe that's why he stopped teaming with
Billy Gunn? He was terrified of blowing up when Billy would hit him from
behind...
JMShapyro: nor a T&A reunion
JMShapyro: although New Age Outlaws vs. "NWA" T&A would
be a tremendous main event for the Shitty TNA PPV
seancarless1: HAHA!
seancarless1:
That's Gold, Jerry, GOLD.
JMShapyro: why the hell would Christian turn to Big
Vis instead of his mentor, Gangrel?
seancarless1: That's
a great question
seancarless1: and what of Mideon? Does
he not have feelings? I heard he trimmed down and everything. Hell, he even got
a new penis covering pouch just in case the big call up every came
in.
seancarless1: What do you think of
Nova's new gimmick? I think Nova may have found a weigh loss system that
works. Hey, if Jenny Craig or whomever personally stretched Oprah with a
half-nelson crossface every now and then, I GUARANTEE her weight would stay
off
JMShapyro: OMG they changed the Survivor Series teams
seancarless1: the Smackdown one?
seancarless1: I heard they put Carlito as the 4th Angle
member
seancarless1: and they pulled Rey
JMShapyro: after all the election drama this was still
startling
seancarless1: I had my hopes
pegged on a Kerry Victory...and a D-Von campaign for Team Angle
JMShapyro: hahaha
seancarless1: but
all is now lost
JMShapyro: D-Von has been
disenfranchised like so many other blacks today
seancarless1: haha
seancarless1:
You know, you'd never know he was Bubba's brother to look at him.
seancarless1: Hey, speaking of which, I heard that
you've been making the rounds leaving a trail of Shapiro's in your wake much
like Daddy Dudley. Shapiroville has how many people now?
JMShapyro: This is for all the women who want to be me and
the men who come to see me
seancarless1: haha
JMShapyro: That would make for a great empirical
analysis is Team Angle vs. Team Beef in the LOAD department.
JMShapyro: Excellent idea
JMShapyro: Consider it stolen
seancarless1: I forgot about "Team Beef"
seancarless1: And despite what you may have heard, they
were not made up of disgruntled Alberta Beef farmers with short arms, who blow
snot rockets on one another.
JMShapyro: that's because
the Alberta Beef farmers have been relocated to Atlanta and Manhasset
seancarless1: or if you listen to Lillian Garcia, the
beautiful town of "Winnetoba" Canada
JMShapyro: haha
seancarless1: I heard that's just west of Blontario.
seancarless1: How bout Batista's bad ass gangster suit
on Raw? He should have just shot Maven in the stomach and had him rolled up
in a carpet and dumped intom the
Hudson.
JMShapyro: That's the
thing about Batista
JMShapyro: There's so many
Batistas
JMShapyro: And he's only... 35 years old
seancarless1: 35?
seancarless1:
wow
seancarless1: That'd make a great TV sitcom
seancarless1: "That's the thing about Batista"
seancarless1: sounds like money to me
JMShapyro: Shockingly 35.
seancarless1: Scene one, Dad (Batista) enters and frightens
his family by exploding into various latently homosexual muscle poses
before sitting down to dinner.
seancarless1: I had no
idea
JMShapyro: Like you picture him and Orton both
being young bucks and going to clubs and boning the ladies
JMShapyro: but no
JMShapyro: Dave
is actually too busy paying for his mortgage
seancarless1: haha
seancarless1:
and wearing a cardigan by the fireplace, curled up and enjoying a good book
JMShapyro: absolutely
seancarless1:
I wonder what his youth secret is? Maybe all those years at the bottom of
the
seancarless1: "When I'm not being
dredged from the
seancarless1: I'm going to use this convo
in the column for the site.
JMShapyro: knock
yourself out
JMShapyro: at least now i have a tangible
down payment on the promised December Surprise
seancarless1: haha, true
seancarless1: you just wanted to write tangible though,
admit it.
JMShapyro:
always
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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