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Back-Leg Frontkick: Best Of November 2004: 11.19.04: Featuring: Goldberg Has Heat With Hef, Huge Firings, WWF sues WWE,What Really Happened To Vince, And The Return of BULLSHIT! Featuring Dave Gagnon & Harry Simon! TNA Invades WWE?, Carlito's "Conspiracy", Randy Savage Is Insane, The Week That Was, And More Snitsky Than You Can Shake A Stick At (Or A Coat Hanger). All This, Plus Much More!
 
Hello, and welcome to another edition of the column that’s like getting a hand job on prom night: something you look forward to, but unfortunately never lives up to your expectations due to a lack of effort and enthusiasm: The Back-Leg Frontkick!
 
Okay, with that said, this week’s installment of the Back-Leg will be somewhat of an “express” (so, only 10 word pages! ahem) version as I’ve been busier lately than a fat kid locked inside a bakery. That, and the fact that my “working environment” here is starting to drive me crazy. You see, everyday, from about 7 am to nine at night, this same ugly, sun-fucked woman and her two repulsive, whiny fat little children, sit in their backyard (which is adjacent to mine) and proceed to smash around and babble their way through the entire day. And I’m talking EVERYDAY, without fail; and I’m talking UNRELENTING noise, and it’s really starting to drive me to the brink of insanity. It’s honestly taken all my willpower to not go outside and proceed to pull a Clark Kent football punt from the original Superman, and kick her babbling, grubby-faced little hooligans into the atmosphere. And you wonder whyI hate children so much. And the worst part is this woman probably thinks that keeping these small children outdoors (and it’s almost fucking DECEMBER now, time to pack it in) is in their best interests. PARTICIPACTION~!! All because she’s likely one of those micro-managing mothers who think their kids always need fresh air. Listen, I lived in Hamilton, Ontario  for 20 years, and I have news for you: THERE IS NO FRESH AIR HERE. In fact, our air is so polluted, I can literally see people on my street slowing metamorphosing like Cobra Commander when he took the spores to the face in fucking G.I. Joe the movie.
 
God, I just can’t take it anymore. The crying, the singing (you can only hear “the wheels on the bus” so many times before you start to imagine yourself commandeering said bus and steam-rolling these annoying little turds with it), it's all getting to me. I just hope that once snowfall hits, that “Mother Nature” and her motley crew of blubbering retards there finally gets the idea that summer is indeed fucking OVER, and they all FINALLY go back inside that strange, square, bricked empty building most people call their fucking HOME. But knowing my luck, there’ll be 5 feet of snow out there, and she and her two imbeciles will STILL be outside, bundled up in snowsuits, making shitty misshapen snowmen, singing Christmas carols ad nauseam, enjoying that “fresh air” that's the equivalent of wrapping your fat face around a Yugo's muffler exhaust, all while I’m stuck indoors trying in vain to ignore their incessant ridiculousness, growing a Unibomber beard and plotting my ultimate revenge. Dear god.
 
Onto the Rasslin'!
 
Headlines

 

Hey, we know how this works, I take wrestling’s various headlines, and in turn make light of them because I’m a bad person and stuff.

 

Who’s Next? (To Be Kicked Out Of The Playboy Mansion)

 

Bill Goldberg was reportedly kicked out of the Playboy Mansion last week after making his way into an off limits area of the mansion. He was told by security to leave at which point he apparently got upset and confrontational.

Goldberg got confrontational? Well, that’s definitely out of character for the big guy.

But seriously, who gets kicked out the fucking Playboy Mansion? It's the ultimate den of iniquity. What the hell would actually be off limits there? I mean, you’re talking about a place where in plain sight you can probably see two women giving Verne “Mini Me” Troyer a blow job in the pool. I can’t imagine any place upstairs or down being taboo. But hey, who knows? Maybe Goldberg showed up to the pajama party “Commando”? "This IS what I sleep in! WHO'S NEXT!". Dear god, I know I wouldn't want to be within two feet of his umm, jackhammer in that regard. Especially since his natural inclination seems to be squatting a lot and then leaping towards your groinal region. 

But seriously (OK , not really), what could Goldberg possibly have done that merited being kicked out of a place that willingly lets James Caan dissolve in the pool? Wear shoot-fighting gloves with a paisley house coat? Take offense to the Bunnies (nude) "streak" and obliterate them? You know, while having Bobby Heenan keep an inflated running tab of how many models he's taken out?  Or maybe in a fit of rage, punch out all the windows in the house? It is after all instinct for this guy to attack anything made of glass. Hell, maybe he mule kicked John Stamos into the Grotto, giving him a concussion, and causing an eventual stroke? That one, I'd agree with. He needs to be punished for Full House. They all do.

One thing I do know, though, is that Goldberg is a moron. Just think, had he played his cards right, he might have been “spearing” something other than Jerry Flynn for once. But hey, I hope this outburst doesn't effect his burgeoning movie career. You know, the one, where he goes against type by portraying a psychotic, growling muscleman who destroys people. It's a tough act to pull off, sure, but I have a feeling that if anyone can somehow find a way to pull it off, it's Goldberg.

 

Anything Can Happen In The WWF!

World Wildlife Fund sues WWE again….

The following was a press statement released by World Wildlife Fund:

WHAT: WWF, the global conservation organization, serves papers seeking a damage judgment that will bring a fair and final conclusion to years of litigation with World Wrestling Entertainment.

WHEN: Documents were served Friday, Oct. 29, 2004.

WHERE: The case will be determined by the British High Courts.

WHY: The case stems from the widespread use and promotion of the initials WWF in connection with wrestling events and products in a repeated breach of a longstanding agreement with the conservation organization, which had used the moniker since its inception in 1961. In 2002, a British Court ordered the wrestlers to stop violating the agreement. The wrestlers subsequently renamed themselves WWE. Public confusion resulting from the misuse of the name persists, especially in the United States, where the organization is forced to couple the global WWF name with World Wildlife Fund, to clarify its meaning.

In this phase of the case, the court will assess damages against the wrestlers for repeatedly violating a legally binding agreement over the use of our initials and causing the resulting difficulties and damages to WWF. Guided by British law and previous cases, the claim to assist the court in determining fair damages by estimating the revenue WWF might have received had the wrestlers legally licensed the initials from WWF instead of simply taking them. The ultimate dispensation of the case may still be years away.

WHO: Edwin Coe LLC represents WWF.

NOTES: WWF officials express hope that, with the "name issue" decided and the question of damages now in the hands of the court, the inflammatory rhetoric that characterized earlier parts of the case can be avoided. "The time has come to put the battle behind us and let both organizations return their full focus to what they do best," says Philip B. Kavits, WWF's vice president of Communications. "We want the world to know that WWF stands for one thing and one thing only, action to save our living planet. When the costs, distractions and confusion of the case come to an end, we'll be free to again devote our full attention and resources to producing the conservation progress that WWF is known for."

Known in the United States as World Wildlife Fund and recognized worldwide by its panda logo, WWF leads international efforts to protect endangered species and their habitats and to conserve the diversity of life on Earth. Now in its fifth decade, WWF, the global conservation organization, works in more than 100 countries around the world.

This news release and associated material can be found on
http://www.worldwildlife.org

 

The funny thing is, if Vince hadn’t been so arrogant and blatantly broke the original agreement he signed with World Wildlife Fund almost a decade ago, the WWE would still be called “WWF” today, and we’d be spared having to watch butchered revisionist history where Bob Backlund is a former “WWE” champion, and the turn buckle pads are more blurry than the face of a shirtless convict on Cops. That, and children out there would be spared in the indignity of having their moronic parents out there buy them a lunch-pail with a fucking Panda eating bamboo on it, when what they really wanted was HHH pedigreeing some hopless mid-carder. Poor hapless bastards. Try telling them "they're saving the earth" whilst they lay upside down in their own locker.

 

However, this recent lawsuit is frivolous at best. And I know this because I've watched like a ton of Law & Order. And from where I stand (sit) that actually makes me more credible than someone who actually has a full understanding of the law. The fact is, WWE did everything but set fire (AN ECOLOGICAL DISASTER AVOIDED! Who knows how long the Giant Gonzalez bodysuit would have burned) to Titan Tower in an effort to bend over backwards to appease the tree huggers at The Fund since the original suit. Poor Vince. He’s inundated with Pandas everywhere he turns, whether it’s preservationalists at the Fund, or NWA TNA owned by Panda Energy. It’s probably taken all of Vince’s willpower to not fly over to China and personally boot-fuck every one of the endangered bears into oblivion. Then of course sign them all to contracts and instantly put them into the Main Event because they're big, slow, fat and lazy. True story. 

 

If anything, WWE should have the gripe currently, as they’ve been the ones hit hardest financially since the name change. They’ve erased almost every link (at great expense) of their former identity, while a few hemp-wearing hippies over in England get mad because some kid wonders why a panda apparently defeated Hulk Hogan for the Title. The reason people associate “WWE” with “WWF” is because THEY made that name FAMOUS. You can save all the fucking stupid albino alligators you want, but at the end of the day, John Q. Fucky will always associate WWF with wrestling, despite how many ridiculously oily seals you pull from the Arctic Ocean. Sorry, it’s just a fact. If you were to poll people on the street and play word association with the initials “WWF”, I bet almost all of them would answer with some form of wrestling and not the noble plight of some ridiculous fucking endangered bird  wrapped in a Tuna net.

 

The irony of this whole situation is that WWF’s (the Fund) main gripe was Vince utilizing the Attitude era scratch logo, and the initials “WWF” OUTSIDE of America. That's it. They also had issues with the name “WWF.com” for fear of people looking for them, and instead being redirected to the Wrestling website where they'd be instantly sent to a locale where a growling HHH, arms out-stretched, looking like he's just blown his load would be awaiting. And to a person looking for vital information on the fledgling spotted Owl, this could be DEVASTATING. The funny thing is, after they won the lawsuit (which like I said earlier could have all been avoided if when overseas, Vince just referred to his product under the full name “World Wrestling Federation”), the World Wildlife Fund went ahead and sold their acquired web address (WWF.com) to... wait for it….. A WRESTLING message board! Hey, who knows, maybe their webmaster pulled a plastic beer holder off a pelican or something to get that coup, who knows. This just always struck me funny because their suit made it quite clear that they weren’t happy with the possibility of ever being mistaken with wrestling, yet, they don’t bat an eyelash about selling the domain to a wrestling webmaster. Anyone but Vince I guess, that endangered species hating, vulgarity spewing Carny! Maybe they have photos of him wearing more fur than the Ghost of Christmas Present. Who knows.

 

So in closing, if this case ever does make it to court, I’d like to see Vince counter-sue for compensatory damages, from all the losses the company has had in the transition from the WWF to WWE. And until Vince gets his day in court, I’ll go kick a spider monkey in the face as a show of loyal support. WWE FTW.

Dropping A Load;

 

Originally, I was going to write a column about certain wrestlers I felt were dead-weight and should be shown the proverbial door, but WWE actually beat me to the punch by releasing a RECORD number of WWE stars this week. Wow. This was incredible. First, A-Train (departed?) Billy Gunn and Test were axed, and then just yesterday, another report from WWE.com stated that you could now add the names of Chuck Palumbo, Nidia and Gail Kim (?!) to this growing list. So, yes, both Gunn & Palumbo are GONE. Free to finally openly purue their forbidden homosexual relationship without pesky morbidly obese hip-hop Samoans ruining their wonton love affair. Good for them.

 

And as surprising as this is, it does make sense. They had to cut the fat to make room for… Viscera ? Who of course was last seen last Monday as Christian’s latest "Problem Solver" (Problem Solver? Ya, maybe if your “problem” is that you have too much food in your refrigerator). And why not, Vis? I mean, why keep an uncoordinated, ugly, fat man (Albert) and a guy (Billy Gunn) who gets blown up in five minutes, when you can bring in one man, Viscera, who embodies BOTH of these traits at once? It's just good business. If by chance you run your company in the Mirror Universe

 

All kidding aside, I feel bad for Albert. Really, I do. He has at least made an effort to improve, (which he has) and certainly could have pulled off the bodyguard role better than Tyson Tomko. As for Billy though, good riddance. I never bought his push from the beginning, as I’ve always felt that anytime he’s been “over”, he’s had the benefit of being surrounded by those whom had WAY more charisma  than he, and in turn rode their coat tails. Kind of like me and Harry. I mean, remember those great Billy DX promos? You know, the ones where he just stood befuddled while Helmsley, Road Dogg and EVEN X-Pac would cut promos as he’d just crotch chop and tell us that he had “two words for us”? He was graded on a curve like the retard who passes Science just because he finally had the resolve to not eat a glue-stick. I've just never seen what WWE saw in this guy. Every time he was on his own, he fell flatter than an amputee in a potato sack race. It was just horrible. Hell, even working a program with the seemingly unstoppable heat machine in 1999 that was The Rock didn’t get his (Mr.) Ass over. And this was even with the entire WWE machine behind him… and  Jim Ross, who was constantly touting him as the WWF’s greatest all around athlete….even though, past the 5 minute mark, he was sucking more wind than the guy from Jake and The Fatman in a 5k race. But hey, that's what all great all around athletes do. He's like the best basketball/football/baseball player in the world for like 90 seconds. Then he explodes Scanners-style while breathing heavier than Cohagen when he fell out the fucking Bio-Dome in Total Recall.

 

I guess though, we can expect a TNA run, where I wouldn’t think it’d be too farfetched to think he’d reunite with Road Dogg…err I mean BG James. Now the only question that remains if Billy can use the “Billy Gunn” name, because let’s be frank, Ain’t no one gonna pay to see someone named Monty Sopp. Maybe they can call him BJ James? I mean he was once engaged to a man, after all.

 

Test, though, was a huge surprise to me. And particularly scummy in my opinion due to the fact that he was injured in a WWE ring. And because it was technically a “work place” injury, I wouldn’t think it’d be too hard to keep him around. I mean they didn’t wheel Droz out to the parking lot with his carryall and roll his ass into traffic when he got hurt, right? All I know is, I’d would hope to be taken care of financially if I got hurt while on the job. And besides, out of all the tall guys who can't promo and who kick people in the face out there, he's the one they axe? At least the motherfucker left his feet once in a while, and I don't know, actually connected on his offense.

 

But hey, I guess you got to make room for the Diva Hopefuls, though! And they'll be passing the Test soon themselves. The gag reflex test, that is, that sees if they can finish taking Johnny Ace's full bounty without puking. Good luck, girls!

 

Anyway, I came across this headline at PWInsider.com on Test’s apparent release:

 

We have more information on the firing of Andrew “Test” Martin by WWE earlier this week. Test was released while he was still out rehabbing his neck after having extensive surgery in June. He is still looking at least six more months of rehab on the neck but was still let go by WWE. Releasing someone while they were rehabbing a work related injury is something that they rarely did in the past. Martin received the news via a phone call from John Laurinaitis, who told him that it was not his decision but that of Vince McMahon. When asked why he was being let go, Laurinaitis told him that for what he was being paid, WWE could sign six developmental talents and it was purely a financial decision. When Test asked Laurinaitis what he was supposed to do for the next six months when he was not able to work, a source close to the situation told me that he was told by Laurinaitis, “I had hoped that you saved some money” or words to that effect. Laurinaitis then told Test to give WWE a call when he’s healthy again about maybe coming back to work, which he reportedly said “no thanks” to.

 

If the above is true, than John Laurinaitis is a heartless asshole. If only the roles were reversed here. After all, John himself was a highly mediocre wrestler who could never get over in the U.S. despite being like the coolest 35 year old guy with a SKATEBOARD like ever, and was overshadowed by a much more famous brother (Road Warrior Animal), so, you’ll have to excuse me if I find his whole comments (if they’re true) to be offensive. I guess this is one of the reasons why there’s always been talks of a union in pro wrestling. (and not the one where fucking Big Show is your leader). But as for the whole “Six developmental wrestlers” for one Test remark, why does the talent have to pay for the downturn in business? I can think of at least a dozen people on management who should take pay cuts before the talent. And why can’t Vince forfeit his yearly bonus if things are so tight? We know his money ain't going into wardrobe, that's for sure. And why should anything be tight? What are you doing with the revenue from those EXTRA pay-per-views you’ve been bleeding us dry with?

 

But hey, why take accountability for the fact that you are completely incompetent, when you can just release a bunch of people who are unrelated to the financial losses instead. That's like having a hangnail, so you amputate someone else's foot. Holy shit.

 

Also, I can't understand why Gail Kim and Nidia are also gone. I mean, Rodney Mack, sure, who'll now have to fend for himself out there demolishing random Caucasians for daring to be white, despite he himself being paler than 90% of them. But Gail & Nidia's releases upsets me. The only thing I've ever wanted to see them "released" from was those pesky binding clothes they wear. Poor girls. They had a lot to still offer the WWE. And here they even each relocated to entirely city-less countries for this company. With Gail even re-unifying Korea for the sake of WWE's continuity. SHE EXTINGUISHED COMMUNISM for you WWE. Ahem. So, ya, that's depressing. Hell, Nidia even went out and got herself the most gravity defying breasts this side of Stephanie McMahon to get over. And all while she was BLIND. Man, if losing your eyesight merited a 2 full bra-size change, I'd just go and poke my old lady in the eyes as hard as I could Roddy Pip-style and hope for the best.

 

I never thought she would be turfed so fast. Especially when you consider that there’s 4 other Divas out there who each possess the collective wrestling skills of a drunken Mongoloid, but fare better in the grueling and unforgiving WAR that is a Bikini contest (YOU'VE GOTTA WANT IT!) than Nidia. I’m not mentioning any particular names, but one may rhyme with “Torrie Wilson”. Wait. I fucked that up. 

 

So, ya, that's the deal all going on there. And I for one am so upset about it all that I'll just make a bunch of tasteless jokes than never mention it again. That's how upset I am. You haven't heard the last of this, WWE~! But you probably have.

 

 

Remind Me To Never Go To China….

It appears that both Sean Waltman & Chyna have agreed to release their “sex tape” and have signed a deal with the same company that produced Paris Hilton’s infamous tape. The working title of the tape will be “One Night In China.”

The company has actually flown Waltman to China and taped him in front of famous landmarks for the video release, so that it can be depicted as taking place in China. They video company expects a huge amount of publicity to be surrounding the release of this tape.

Rather than have the tape circulate around unofficially they decided to work together as a couple and release the tape the proper way.

 

Flying X-Pac all the way to China? I guess that would definitely be a lot easier than say having him in front of umm, a blue screen? And speaking of which, If I was, X-Pac, I'd somehow have convinced the good people at Industrial light & Magic to just CGI the actual "sex" so that way I wouldn't have to actually have intercourse with Chyna. *shudder*. That's one fucking sword-fight I'd want NO part of.

 

Anyway, if anything, just the existence of this tape goes to prove how far gone ol’ XXX-Pac was on drugs. I mean, come on, I’d just have to take one look at Chyna’s extra appendage before I’d use my “educated feet” to run the fucking hell out of there.

 

When this tape does surface though, I’d probably watch it out of morbid curiosity, but I have this sneaking suspicion that viewing this thing will have the same effect that the tape from “The Ring” had.  “Before you die, you see X-Pac’s ringpiece". Oh dear god.

 

Give This Woman A Hand:

 

Trish Stratus has been experiencing some numbness in her hand lately. Unfortunately, in many cases (like Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle, Ric Flair, etc.), it has proven to be the first sign of major neck problems.

It’s funny, but after watching most of Trish’s matches, my hand is numb too. I wonder why that is. All kidding aside, this is the last thing the fledgling Women’s division needs right now. With all the cuts to half the division’s talent pool, (that should be closed down since there a lot of turds in it) Trish going on the shelf would be the final stake to the heart (by way of silicone sack) of the fledgling division. Get well, Trish!  And ignore the obviousness that I just posted this newsbit so I could make that numb hand joke...

 

TNA Declares War!....With Delicious Chocolatey Treats!

 

The following (ongoing) story may be one of the funniest things to go down in a long time:

-WWE was at Universal Studios in Orlando, FL taping their promo for the Royal Rumble when suddenly a bunch of TNA guys showed up. Jeremy Borash, David Sahadi and other unidentified TNA employees came in a peaceful manner and stopped by the taping. According to eyewitness reports they had conversations with Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio and Chris Jericho. Vince McMahon was said to be nearly irate at the fact that the TNA guys showed up. Also, Val Venis and Rhyno were seen hanging out with Team Canada at a post Impact taping bar on Tuesday night. They all broke into the business together.

 

-More on the WWE/TNA confrontation at Universal Studios has come in. Jeremy Borash and David Sahadi apparently set up a welcoming of sorts with Traci Brooks going in first with a batch of cookies and and Abyss going in with balloons, sort of as a "welcome" for WWE coming to Universal Studios. Interestingly enough, WWE has already filed a complaint against Universal Studios and has threatened TNA with a lawsuit if they use any footage from inside the WWE filming. [WrestlingObserver.com]


- The following is from nwatna.com. It’s basically a sarcastic apology in response to recent events between the two promotions but is an interesting read nonetheless:

TNA TO ISSUE “APOLOGY” TO VINCE McMAHON AND WWE

November 12, 2004 (Nashville, TN) In response to media reports about a misunderstanding that occurred at Universal Studios in Orlando, FL this past Wednesday – TNA Entertainment issued an apology to Vince McMahon and WWE for what was apparently a mistakenly perceived “hostile” act.

In recent months, Universal Studios and TNA have become the epicenter of the wrestling world. Last Sunday at Victory Road, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and “Macho Man” Randy Savage made their dramatic returns to professional wrestling. Even the immortal Hulk Hogan was backstage and also witnessed the electricity of that historic night. Two days later, during a TV taping for iMPACT!, Diamond Dallas Page made a surprise return to the ring.

This past Wednesday, Vince McMahon and all the top stars of WWE were at Universal Studios, just feet from TNA’s Sound Stage 21, to film a commercial.

TNA staff was elated that the WWE was coming to their home. While filming vignettes that day for TNA’s upcoming pay-per-view, “Turning Point”, TNA Superstars 3 Live Kru, Traci, Abyss and “The Franchise” Shane Douglas decided to offer some hospitality and welcome WWE to their home. Carrying cookies and balloons, they approached the WWE talent during a break in their shooting. However, the congenial welcome was met with ungracious resistance. The WWE talent immediately withdrew to their studio, where they remained sequestered behind closed doors.

WWE has filed a formal letter of complaint with Universal Studios. One senior WWE official even sent a production assistant to TNA Soundstage 21 and delivered a verbal warning that if any WWE talent was filmed by TNA, “we will sue your f—— a–.”

“I was disheartened,” said “The Franchise” Shane Douglas. “If our kind gesture was mistakenly perceived as threatening and hostile, we sincerely apologize.”

Even the monster Abyss, in a rare melancholy moment, was seen with a tear in his eye, still clutching the very same balloons that no one from WWE wanted.

“Personally, I just wanted some mahi mahi,” confessed BG James, upon seeing the elaborate WWE catering spread. “The only thing I had to eat all day was a stinking cold sandwich from my cheap free-lance producer. Now I know how the other half eats.”

Some things in life are consistent. Success breeds envy. The bully always picks on the little guy. But we all know how the story of David and Goliath ends…

 

Hahaha. The thought of Abyss with balloons is maybe the single greatest visual in modern wrestling history. If anything, WWE should be angry that they haven’t written anything as unintentionally hilarious as a 300 pound masked monster rolling out the welcome wagon. However, if you’re going to send someone over to the WWE as a "good-will ambassador", is Shane Douglas really your man? I mean, really.

 

Anyway, you have to admire TNA for trying to milk  (which'd go great with those cookies) some publicity out of this whole thing. And hey, you’d actually think that Vince would appreciate the creativity of the situation. It’s no DX storming WCW Nitro, but it is still pretty funny. Besides, you'd think Stephanie McMahon would speak up. I'd think she'd appreciate anyone bringing large amounts of food. Just saying.

Be A  (MACHO) Man

 

The following is some tidbits in the ongoing Randy Savage saga:

 

After making his debut this past Sunday at the TNA Victory Road PPV, Randy Savage contacted TNA officials this afternoon and said that he was pulling out of all future appearances.

 

Savage was schedule to appear on tonight’s Impact! taping. He was originally booked in a match for December’s PPV, Turning Point, in a tag team match with Monty Brown and AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett and The Outsiders.

 

Savage claimed they had an “unsafe working environment” after his run-ins with Hulk Hogan backstage at Victory Road. Hogan and Savage had a conversation backstage and Hogan offered him to step outside so they can settle their differences. Hogan then asked for their issues to be left in the past and Savage ignored his comments and walked off.

 

Then one week later:

 

- Randy Savage was back at the TNA taping, flanked by Bryan Adams. Backstage rumors include that one of Savage's demands to return was that Jimmy Hart not be allowed anywhere near him or in the gorilla position when he is appearing, due to Hart and Hulk Hogan's close relationship. Also part of his return agreement: limo service from his home to the event, a private dressing room, and two security guards of his choice at the events (last night's were supposedly Bryan Adams and Ron Harris, although some say Harris just visiting).

This is hysterical. First, what’s the deal with Bryan “Crush” Adams always being by Savage’s side? Oh that’s right. All “rappers” need a bodyguard with access to heavy artillery. I get it now. Anyway, this whole thing is hilarious because for the better part of two years, Savage called out Hogan for a “legit” fight, and even recorded an entire rap album that’s sole premise was to call Hogan's orange ass a coward for “ducking him”. Now, though, with the radiated straw skullet of Hogan in plain view, he turns down the Stark ravin’ Hulkster’s invitation to step outside, bruther? What gives? He wants to avoid a BODYSLAM that badly? Personally, I’d have loved to see the two go at it just to see each man explode into fine dust particles like a 5000 year old mummy when they made contact. The only thing that'd be left would be a couple of weightlifter's belts and maybe 6 hairs. 

 

Anyway, Savage who is impeding on Ultimate Warrior territory here for lunacy, requires a full security force to keep Jimmy Hart at bay? JIMMY HART. Hey, I know Jimmy Hart at 130 lbs and in his mid-50’s is a dangerous adversary, but come on, TWO bodyguards? Maybe Macho is having flashbacks to that Megaphone in 1987? I don't know. "I don't want, no I don't, none of thattttt agaiinnn, oh no I don't, dig it".

 

In any event, Savage did at least show up this week at the TNA tapings, looking like he had just spent the last seven days riding the boxcars cross country and eating out of garbage pails. And this saddens me. I was a HUGE Randy Savage fan when I was a kid, so to see him transforming into something that looked like it washed ashore was somewhat upsetting to me. With all the great memories I have, I just don’t want to remember the Macho Man looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway (complete with his volleyball “Hogan”). "I have, yeah I have, created Fireeeeee! Yeahhhhh!". 

 

And all this without even seeing him wrestle yet in TNA. But, hey, at least I'll always have his music. It speaks to me. (it says "Please, dear god, turn this off. You still have time!" Ahem.).

 

Carilto Caribbean Conspiracy!

In recent WWE storylines, Carlito Caribbean Cool was said to be in the same nightclub as John Cena when the Doctor of Thuganomics was stabbed. And although Carlito swears innocence, I think we know better. He clearly had the best motive. I mean, it's not like John has a movie he's filming or anything that necessitated him leaving. With that said, we still required more concrete evidence before pointing the finger, on a jaunty edgy angle so to please Cena's fanbase of suburban white children, so we deployed our resident man on the scene, and crack TWF reporter that we'll call “Bill Apter” for the sake of his identity, to investigate Carlito’s somewhat shady past... and in turn reveal several SHOCKING details that connect the young Puerto Rican standout to at least 4 of history's most shocking assassination attempts! The following is a documentation of Mr. Apter’s completely real and true and really true findings.

1) April 14th 1865- John Wilkes Booth assassinates President Abraham Lincoln at the Ford’s theater. Theater patrons later reveal that they remember seeing Booth earlier that same day conversing with a young man sporting as they described a “Plantation” hair styling and standing about in his unmentionables. Many also recall what appeared to be a strange time piece attached to a large chain around the young man’s neck. In a side note, as Booth was said to jump from the theater balcony in an effort to escape, he was heard yelling out an unknown phrase, that only now through translation can only be described as saying: “I choose to discard my saliva into the visage of those gentlemen who refuse to be reasonable.”

2) November 22, 1963- President John F. Kennedy is assassinated by apparent lone gunman Lee Harvey Oswald from the Texas Book Depository. However, as it is now been speculated, there MAY have been a Carlito on the grassy knoll. Photos taken that day reveal Carlito amongst the crowd as President Kennedy and First lady Jackie met with potential voters. It is speculated that moments after the photo below was taken, a mysterious spray of discarded apple was said to land on the first lady’s designer hot pink hat. Although, some conspiracy theorists have speculated that there may have been a second spitter. (This is a hotly contested debate to this day.)

Anyway, despite this speculation, at this point there was still little evidence to link Carlito with the assault. However, many in the crowd that day say they do recall Carlito being somewhat vocal about Kennedy’s apparent handling of the Cuban missile crisis, and as we know, Cuba is technically a part of the Caribbean. Coincidence? Umm, probably.

 

3) December 8th, 1980, celebrated songwriter and former Beatle John Lennon is shot and killed by deranged fan Mark David Chapman (not to be confused with actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. I think. People with three names are always up to no good!). However, that same night, Lennon was seen giving what appeared to be an autograph (as seen above right) to a man fitting Carlito’s description. Yoko Ono (John’s wife) remembers the situation being odd as most people tend to wear shirts and PANTS in the dead of winter in New York City. Also, several onlookers insist that they recall Carlito briefly conversing with Lennon over his song, "Imagine", to which Carlito was speculated to state: "Imagine there's no heaven? Das not cool." Take that for what it's worth.

* Carlito was never officially questioned in the murder.

4) March 30, 1982- John Hinckley Jr. attempts (unsuccessfully) to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Carlito Caribbean Cool is once again seen at the scene of the crime, this time to apparently protest the President. As it turns out, apparently Carlito had as much disdain for “Reaganomics” as he does “Thuganomics”, although, once again, police were unable to connect Carlito to the crime. (although,  an apple core was found in the president’s wounds.).

After being questioned by the police, Carlito stated that he was just there in an attempt to see if Regan would rechristen the Cold War...the "Cool war" because and I quote, that would be "cool". Carlito was then released, but told to go get a haircut on the account that Disco was fucking dead.

In any event, this is all we have acquired at the moment. But be assured, we will continue to investigate these strange coincidences, and try to answer the unanswered questions that continue to loom. Questions like motive, Questions like his apparent religious FANATICISM (He was heard constantly talking about "Jesus"); and most importantly, just how Carlito was able to travel through time (Apter’s theory is a worm hole located in the Bermuda Triangle….once again located in the CARIBBEAN.).

 

More as this story doesn't develop.

 

The Good, The Bad & The Snitsky

 

In the last few weeks since my last update, I’ve had the opportunity to take in a lot of wrestling, and not get laid, so with that in mind, I decided to break down the best and the worst of what I had seen into three different categories and give my two cents (which for the record is worthless since I’m Canadian). Here we go:

 

The Good:

 

Maven: For all the jokes I’ve made about Maven and his eyebrows (which FINALLY look to be groomed. I wonder how much the landscaper charged?), I have to admit I was impressed by what I saw on Monday night. Maven has a direct and clear way of speaking, and actually gives a decent promo. Bar the one snafu that saw him explain that when he said "JR would face Coach" he really meant RKO because the “J” is silent. Huh? Wow, you’d think that someone who looked so much like a Sesame street character (Bert) would’ve watched that show and learned the alphabet by now...

 

Hey, wait a minute, I’m supposed to be praising him! Forget what I said. Anyway, as much as some people crapped on Maven’s chances against HHH, I enjoyed the match. No one complained when Hunter faced Taka Michanoku in 2000, so why shit on this now? And deep down, admit it, there was one point where you actually thought to yourself: “My god, they might actually have fucking Maven win this thing”. And why not? He'd break barriers. For YEARS, due to prejudice and ignorance, People with UNIBROWS have been denied ever scaling to the very top of this industry. It's also the reason why Cpl. Kirshener was never a Champion. Well, that, and a complete and utter lack of talent. But mostly the first part.

 

Gene Snitsky:  He’s the breakout star of 2004. Umm, literally. He's big, ugly and has more acne than my pubescent cousin (I wonder if you smeared that “Clearasil for Men” all over Gene Snitsky if he’d completely disappear?).  Yet, he’s completely over and people across the net sing his praises. Snitsky is definitely 2004’s biggest success story. And this is all without really bringing one solitary thing to the table. Besides obvious oily foods that create a certain skin condition. Snitsky just possesses that intangible that can’t be produced. He's the Anakin (Acnekin?) Skywalker of the WWE. He's brought BALANCE to the sides of being AWESOME and TERRIBLE all at once. Now if only we could convince him to bench press Vince and throw him into Titan Tower's nuclear reactor. 

 

Eugene & William Regal: Not since the team of Dick Cheney & George Bush has a tandem of a vile and rotten villain and a clueless retard so captured the hearts of America. Regal may enter the ring to a theme that sounds more like something you'd hear at a fucking redneck ho-down than in England, and sometimes wrestle in my Grandmother's one-piece bathing suit, but damn it, I love this man in the most un-gay way possible. I'm going to learn from his magnanimous example and take a retard under my wing, and also teach them to be EVIL. Some might sight teaching learning and life skills, manners and holding a job as being the best traits to administer to the disabled, but clearly, producing brass knuckles from your underwear and punching people in the face is that much more poignant. God bless this visionary.

 

Edge: For a guy who was more brittle than Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable for much of this past year, Edge has slowly but surely became Raw’s most captivating character. I personally am really digging his increasingly paranoid heel shtick and am interested to see where they’re going. He may have more teeth than the namesake Alien in the movie by the same name, but damn it, he's THE guy to look out for in 2005.

 

Lita: Much like the now disposed of Gail Kim (deported back to “Korea”, no doubt) Lita has traded in her "Catch as catch CAN’T" style for a more believable mat based routine complete with her own version of the rear naked choke. A hold I too have mastered. Except I'm really nude. It's not that popular. 

 

Lita is clearly an example and ROLE MODEL to ALL pregnant women who had their terms abruptly ended by acne-riddled giants. You don't just sit around all day crying and eating, tubby. Go choke bitches out.  If only all post-partum women could moonsault like Lita. I guess for now we should just be happy that their tits get really big.

 

The Bad:

 

John Cena, Carlito Cool & The U.S. Title situation: How is it that John Cena can “recover” from being “stabbed” in 3 weeks but Carlito will sit out for 3 months with a shoulder injury? What good is keeping a guy named Jesus around if you can't utilize him properly?

 

Anyway, it now looks like Cena will begin a feud with said Jesus, which is ironic because only someone named Jesus could heal Cena that fast. The question now is whether they’ll keep the U.S. Title on Cena or vacate it. All in all, it looks like Cena will face Jesus at the next pay-per-view regardless, and this strikes me hilarious. I mean, am I the only one who sees the irony in having to face Jesus at Armageddon? Turns out your pastor was right, after all. Only I'm sure in HIS version, Jesus wasn't wearing nipple-high banana colored slacks and a wifebeater.

 

Muhammad Hassan: So, Muhammad Hassan has turned against America already? Well, it’s your fault. If you had only bought your falafels from his uncle’s fucking bodega, he’d still be a babyface. This is all on your heads! But seriously, they were doing so well with the character being morally justified and they blew it. It had the potential to work like the Bret Hart run in 1997 where he took a legitimate beef and was vilified for it. But just as I predicted, WWE has already gone the cheap heat, Anti-U.S. route and it’ll be just a matter of time before he starts wrestling in pointy boots and carrying a Flag that is clearly NOT AMERICAN. BOO THIS MAN. Although, I guess it could be worse. They could rub salt in the wounds by bringing back Bret to be part of this anti-U.S. angle and have him dress him up in his Aladdin costume…..

 

Simon Dean: After being in OVW for YEARS, I don’t blame Nova for going with a gimmick, any gimmick, to FINALLY get his ass onto the main roster. The only problem with a gimmick of a fat hating wrestler is that it doesn’t work when 99% of the roster is chemically enhanced fucking jar heads. In fact, Rosey can maybe thank the fact that he still has a job on the fact WWE needed someone obese for Dean to feud with. Although, they could always bring back Piper. He’s built like a bulk bag of Idaho potatoes these days, and probably would love to get his hands on some powder, ANY powder-- even if it is "Fitno".

 

The Ugly:

 

NWA TNA: They say those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and much is the case with TNA, whom with the addition of “elder statesmen” like (Cholseter)Hall, Savage and Nash can officially change the company name to Total Nonstop Atrophy. Wolpack 4 LIFE, baby. Even if Vets would insist on having them be put down by now due to advanced age.

 

Maria: I thought the point of the Diva Search was to give a once in a lifetime opportunity to ONE woman? If I was a Jazz or a Gail Kim, I’d be really pissed seeing Maria hacking her way through being Raw interviewer while I was eating fruit cups in some dingy motel room in the middle of nowhere after wrestling some no-hoper in a fucking armory or some Gymnasium somewhere. However, Maria did “earn” her paycheck last week when Eugene poured Milk on her chest, which struck me funny because let’s face it, how often does a DIVA'S chest actually produce milk?

 

Tough Enough: Are YOU Tough Enough? Can you take 300 days on the road, bumps and bruises, jet lag, working through all kinds of pain… and dry fucking 90 year old women? Hey, what? Seriously though, WWE has taken everything that worked about Tough Enough (the insight into real training) and turned it into another lame reality TV game show where the contestants have to partake in stupid skits that have nothing to do with becoming a wrestler. And besides, I think it’s become fairly obvious after the “shoot” with Angle, whom WWE obviously has their sights on. The whole Mae Young skit was an obvious vehicle to make sure Puder gets over.  I mean, why do you think they had him out there in that suit? It was the first thing your eyes went to in that skit. Despite the fact he looked like fucking Ricardo Montalban greeting vacationers on Fantasy Island. Daniel Puder: He’ll break your arm with a keylock while making your dream’s come true! Only on Fantasy Island!

 

Diva Search cast-offs: Like mentioned above, what’s the deal with hiring the LOSERS of a contest designed to reward one person’s dream? If they’re all going to get hired anyway, what’s the point of voting anyone off in the first place? It’s like having a Miss America pageant where all the runners up end up being Miss America, too. And these diva blow-offs are EVERYWHERE. It’s not even like WWE subtly put them into storylines over a few months, but instead they inundate our TV with these hacks all in the same fucking week. Although, I’d let Amy Weber be my “under secretary”. And what the hell is up with RVD needing a personal trainer? I mean, a personal trainer? If he can smoke as much pot as he does and still not pass out in the ring, I slightly doubt he needs any help with his cardiovascular. Maybe they should have made this Michelle McCool (COOOOOOOOOL) his dealer instead? That’d have at least made more sense. Hell, you could even call her Mary Jane…..

 

A.I.M. To Kill

 

This is usually the spot where I go over my thoughts for the week on Raw, Smackdown and whatever else I want to blab about. This month, I thought I’d change it up a little bit and print a recent AOL messenger conversation I had with one of my IWC brethren, my good friend Justin Shapiro from Wrestling Observer, as we shot the shit this past Monday night on various WWE topics.

 

JMShapyro: How long has it been since you've seen your own penis?
JMShapyro: Wait, that must sound super weird if you didn't watch Raw.
seancarless1: not long enough.
seancarless1: haha, lucky for you, I did
JMShapyro: thank god
seancarless1: What did you think of Raw? And how about the Maven-effect actually working? This was truly a great day.
JMShapyro: there was some really great stuff (Trish, Edge) and some really horrible (Allah's new stable, Snitsky main events, return of Maria, return of Viscera)
JMShapyro: haha indeed
JMShapyro: it was the Maven Effect heard round the world
seancarless1: I don't know what the deal with Vis is, though.
JMShapyro: they probably used him just to make Billy Gunn, Test, and Albert feel worse
seancarless1: haha, you're right
seancarless1: Hey, if Vince likes to see panting, sweaty, out of shape guys who wear trash bags, wrestle, I know this homeless guy who'd be perfect. The only thing is you'll have to sign his shopping cart full of tin cans, too.
JMShapyro: I'd better temper the hilarity of my replies or else you'll see reruns in the Heat report which is totally unprofessional.
seancarless1: haha
JMShapyro: Lita as kiss of death~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
seancarless1: that was hilarious
seancarless1: It's funny to me how Lita manages to land in angles lately that work in spite of her.
seancarless1: Lita is like a sitcom that has a strong ensemble cast, but she stinks.
JMShapyro: bahaha
seancarless1: Lita is the Shelley Long of professional wrestling.
seancarless1:Well, if Shelly was clumsy, urban, and earned her way into "bar-maiding" by sleeping her way through Mexico.
JMShapyro: Eve is urban, like Lita also not an actress, but I doubt her ensemble is as good as Kane and Trish
seancarless1: haha, true
JMShapyro: clearly you're on the right track
seancarless1: clearly
seancarless1: btw, I laughed pretty hard at your Thug-wife line from last night's Heat.
JMShapyro: racism is the funniest kind of discrimination
seancarless1: I always used to think that Jazz and Rodney Mack were the same person, since they were never seen in the same place at the same time.
JMShapyro: haha
seancarless1: kind of like the situation with Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleuffagus on Sesame Street
JMShapyro: along the lines of Bradshaw's Shelton/Shaniqua hypothesis?
seancarless1: Exactly. Although, I hold Snuffleufgagus in higher standing.
seancarless1: Still though, I don't understand Bradshaw's hate of Shaniqua.You'd think Bradshaw would love a woman with an Adam's apple, if you believe certain rumors.

JMShapyro: Ha
seancarless1: I don't understand why they thrust Maven into the Raw main-event when Regal would fit better.
JMShapyro: the future of Raw is in Maven's hands
seancarless1: Dear lord

JMShapyro: I can't wait to see a Maven-controlled week of Raw
JMShapyro: title shot for Nidia!
JMShapyro: world title shot!
seancarless1: the public flogging and burning on Christopher Nowinski?
JMShapyro: YES.
seancarless1: I'm hoping he also chooses that Jan the makep lady fashion him some heavy slacks.
JMShapyro: good god
seancarless1: I'm taking a stand against all these tiny trunks
seancarless1: Trunks were ruined for me after Dustin Rhodes insisted on wrestling for 10 years with an erection.....
seancarless1: Dustin Rhodes, the human sundial. It's disturbing. Maybe Rene Dupree is really just a tribute to him. Wrestling is in his blood! It's just relocated to his penis... 
JMShapyro: =-O
seancarless1: Did Rodney Mack still use the "Mack Militant" song?
seancarless1: I haven't watched Heat in forever
JMShapyro: it's been updated with a new phat hook
JMShapyro: an indecipherable one
seancarless1:haha
seancarless1: It's like Heat is an alternate universe
seancarless1: where angles happen that are never acknowledged
seancarless1: and people wrestle whom you had no idea were still employed
seancarless1: like Custom Chucky P.  Who like you mention is starting to think he is really a car. I hope it's not a pinto though.  Maybe that's why he stopped teaming with Billy Gunn? He was terrified of blowing up when Billy would hit him from behind...

JMShapyro: there will be no Billy & Chuck reunion
JMShapyro: nor a T&A reunion
JMShapyro: although New Age Outlaws vs. "NWA" T&A would be a tremendous main event for the Shitty TNA PPV
seancarless1: HAHA!
seancarless1: That's Gold, Jerry, GOLD.

seancarless1: yet, there's this strange quasi Ministry reunion going on
JMShapyro: why the hell would Christian turn to Big Vis instead of his mentor, Gangrel?
seancarless1: That's a great question
seancarless1: and what of Mideon? Does he not have feelings? I heard he trimmed down and everything. Hell, he even got a new penis covering pouch just in case the big call up every came in.

JMShapyro: haha
seancarless1: What do you think of Nova's new gimmick? I think Nova may have found a weigh loss system that works. Hey, if Jenny Craig or whomever personally stretched Oprah with a half-nelson crossface every now and then, I GUARANTEE her weight would stay off

JMShapyro: baha
JMShapyro: OMG they changed the Survivor Series teams
seancarless1: the Smackdown one?
seancarless1: I heard they put Carlito as the 4th Angle member
seancarless1: and they pulled Rey
JMShapyro: after all the election drama this was still startling

seancarless1: it is disheartening, yes.
seancarless1: I had my hopes pegged on a Kerry Victory...and a D-Von campaign for Team Angle
JMShapyro: hahaha
seancarless1: but all is now lost
JMShapyro: D-Von has been disenfranchised like so many other blacks today
seancarless1: haha
seancarless1: You know, you'd never know he was Bubba's brother to look at him.
seancarless1: Hey, speaking of which, I heard that you've been making the rounds leaving a trail of Shapiro's in your wake much like Daddy Dudley. Shapiroville has how many people now?
JMShapyro: This is for all the women who want to be me and the men who come to see me
seancarless1: haha

seancarless1: I never thought they'd ever top Team Lesnar from last year
JMShapyro: That would make for a great empirical analysis is Team Angle vs. Team Beef in the LOAD department.
JMShapyro: Excellent idea
JMShapyro: Consider it stolen
seancarless1: I forgot about "Team Beef"
seancarless1: And despite what you may have heard, they were not made up of disgruntled Alberta Beef farmers with short arms, who blow snot rockets on one another.
JMShapyro: that's because the Alberta Beef farmers have been relocated to Atlanta and Manhasset
seancarless1: or if you listen to Lillian Garcia, the beautiful town of "Winnetoba" Canada
JMShapyro: haha
seancarless1: I heard that's just west of Blontario.
seancarless1: How bout Batista's bad ass gangster suit on Raw? He should have just shot Maven in the stomach and had him rolled up in a carpet and dumped intom the Hudson.  

JMShapyro: True enough

seancarless1:I've also never really made the correlation between jacked up body builder and stylishly tinted emo-glasses, but what do I know?
JMShapyro: That's the thing about Batista
JMShapyro: There's so many Batistas
JMShapyro: And he's only... 35 years old
seancarless1: 35?
seancarless1: wow
seancarless1: That'd make a great TV sitcom
seancarless1: "That's the thing about Batista"
seancarless1: sounds like money to me
JMShapyro: Shockingly 35.
seancarless1: Scene one, Dad (Batista) enters and frightens his family by exploding into various latently homosexual muscle poses before sitting down to dinner.
seancarless1: I had no idea
JMShapyro: Like you picture him and Orton both being young bucks and going to clubs and boning the ladies
JMShapyro: but no
JMShapyro: Dave is actually too busy paying for his mortgage
seancarless1: haha
seancarless1: and wearing a cardigan by the fireplace, curled up and enjoying a good book
JMShapyro: absolutely
seancarless1: I wonder what his youth secret is? Maybe all those years at the bottom of the Ohio River helped him keep exfoliated?
seancarless1: "When I'm not being dredged from the Ohio River on a mission of Satanic destruction, I'm using the healing regenerative powers of Oil of Olay. It keeps this "Demon of the Deep", fresh, revitalized and able to enjoy my day with a renewed vigor..."
seancarless1:  I'm going to use this convo in the column for the site.
JMShapyro: knock yourself out
JMShapyro: at least now i have a tangible down payment on the promised December Surprise
seancarless1: haha, true
seancarless1: you just wanted to write tangible though, admit it.
JMShapyro: always

JMShapyro signed off at 12:47:07 AM.

 

Shopzone Buffoonery

 

Ever since I had a part in pulling the unintentionally racist Booker Bear (now our site Mascot) from WWE.com, I journey there every now and then in hopes that I can mess something else up. (I kid). But seriously, I LOVE wrestling, and as many jokes as I make, I can’t imagine not ever watching it (I’m not nearly as critical in my everyday, non-internet life). But one thing I have NEVER understood is spending money on certain WWE merchandise. And for the record, I’m not speaking of video games, DVD’s or even the Theme song CD’s, but usually just the tacky stuff you are expected to wear in public. Because as cool as you think that Big Show "Big All Over" shirt is, and hope the ladies equate it to your by god immense genitals, your Size 48 inch pants paint a completely different picture, chief.

 

So, with that said, I SCOURED WWE SHOP recently, looking for merch that could be parodied and finally found several items that fit the bill. So, I’ll post several random WWE’s Shopzone ads of WWE's complete with their ACTUAL WRITE-UP, while then revealing a REPLACEMENT product of my VERY OWN design right after. It should be sexy.

 

The Batista T-Shirt! (Click here to see the real pic)

 

Real WWE write up: He’s arguably the most physically menacing WWE Superstar on either Sports-Entertainment roster today. He has muscles in places that most people don’t even have places and tattoos engraved over his massive muscles that only add to his intimidating presence. For the first time ever, Evolution’s beast has his own t-shirt which powerfully displays his signature body art. There’s no stopping a man who has no remorse for his inflicted pain, so play it safe and support his cause!!

 

My write up: He’s arguably the most enhanced WWE Superstar on either WWE Roster today. He has muscles in places that most people don’t have places! And from there, he has little holes in those places that help make his muscles! For the first time ever, Evolution’s beast has his own t-shirt which powerfully displays his signature body art which looks like gibberish on TV! There’s no stopping a man who has no remorse for his inflicted pain, often on the audience, so play it safe and support his cause!...  unless you’re the Federal government or the Athletic commission, in that case, cut him a break, ‘kay?

 

John Cena Foam Knux! (Click here to see the real pic)

 

Real WWE write up: Protect yourself at your next WWE Live Event with the Doctor of Thuganomics and his Word Life Foam Knucks. Nobody will be looking your way for trouble after seeing the “Word Life” covered fists flashed in their direction! Get hooked up and let the most powerful phrase on SmackDown! do all your talking!!

 

My write up: Protect yourself at your next WWE Live Event with the Doctor of Thuganomics and his Word Life Foam Knucks. Nobody will be looking your way (especially the ladies) for trouble after seeing the “Word Life” covered fists flashed in their direction! Because, as everyone knows, NOTHING hurts more than FOAM. Get hooked up (in your locker) and let the most powerful phrase on SmackDown do all your talking!! Unfortunately what they’ll “talk about” is: “how you’ve never been laid in your life.” Order now, and we’ll throw in a rubber vagina as a consolation!

 

 

WWE Growth Chart: (click here to see the real pic)

 

Real WWE write up: How do YOU measure up when standing next to Rey Mysterio? If you're like most people, then chances are you'll be peering down at "The Human Highlight Reel" in person. However, like the old saying goes, you can never judge a book by its cover. Mysterio's explosive offense is enough to down anybody on either roster of World Wrestling Entertainment. This is your chance to experience the company of Mr. 619 without suffering the consequences of one of his unlucky opponents!!

 

My Write up: How do your Daughters measure up when standing waist-level to Jerry "The King" Lawler? If you're like most teenage girls, chances are he’ll be peering down your top and grabbing your ass. However, like the old saying goes, you can never judge a book by its cover. Jerry maybe a King, but did you know he was charged with Statutory rape and sodomy in 1993? Lawler’s explosive offense is enough to go down on anybody as long as they’re under 16. This is your chance to experience the company of Mr. 69 or suffer the consequences (a battered asshole?) of one of his unlucky teenaged girlfriends!!

 

 

Undertaker Plush Bear! (click here to see the real pic)

 

Real WWE write up: “The Deadman” is alive and breathing our air once again in World Wrestling Entertainment. Creatures Of The Night will never be afraid of the dark again with their leader fending off all that is evil on SmackDown!, and especially since he can now sit in bed with them as well! “Rest In Peace” every time you sleep with “The Undertaker’s Plush Bear right by your side!!

 

My Write up: “The Deadman” is alive and breathing our air once again in World Wrestling Entertainment… but your children won’t be when you purchase the new Undertaker Plush Bear! The only stuffed animal guaranteed to haunt their dreams! Creatures Of The Night will never be afraid of the dark again (although this draws the question, why would they call themselves creatures of the night if they were afraid of the dark?) since he can now sit in bed with them as well….from which he will gain a better vantage point to discard his plush form and rise as an unholy specter, snatching your immortal soul whilst you slumber!  “Rest In Peace” the first time you sleep with “The Undertaker’s Plush Bear right by your side! It just might be the last thing you ever see….

 

HARRY SIMON VS. DAVE GAGNON

A little over a month ago, we debuted a new feature here at The Wrestling Fan.com, which was stolen from 411 Mania ….which was stolen from WWE.com. And well, you get the picture. It’s called “BULLSHIT!” and it’s where in a clever ploy to actually fill my column without actually doing any work. I poll two writers, and give them 5 blanket statements to which they answer True if they agree, or BULLSHIT! if they don’t. Here we go:

This week, we see IWC legend Dave Gagnon go head to head with the only Internet writer to fuck with Pro Wrestling Illustrated: Harry Simon. Let the Shit fly!

 

1)Gene Snitsky will be the next unexpected break out star.

 

Gags: Fact. Gene Snitsky will be the break out star that the WWE needed all along. After killing all the babyfaces in the WWE, Snitsky will main event WMXXI against Shawn Michaels in the inevitable Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice feud. After Snitsky wins that match, he will learn that his girlfriend is pregnant. From there, he'll turn face and learn the meaning of life trough the joy of parenthood.

 

Harry: True. He already is. "Baby killer" chants, signs that proclaim "Gene Snitsky = Birth Control," etc. He's the most over new guy since RVD, and that's a fact..

 

2)When Vince dies, the WWE will eventually go under.

 

Gags: Fact. Vince McMahon is the captain of the ship so when he'll die, WWE will eventually die along. Maybe HHH, however, will not invest in outside projects like football and movies, which would help the company so who knows?

 

Harry: True. Well hell, everything will eventually go under. But I'd say that once Vince dies, the WWE has 5 years, tops. HHH and Steph will Russo things into oblivion. If Shane's smart, he'll sell his half to them and stay locked up in his mansion with his hottie of a wife and a basement full of corn oil.

 

3)Despite the Diva Search's shortcomings, Tough Enough is WORKING on SmackDown thus far.

 

Gags: BULLSHIT. Tough Enough 1 was an entertaining show but completely exposed the business. We learned that everybody can do a moonsault after a couple of weeks of training. We saw a nobody pull out a standing SSP. And, worse of all, the most promising guys turn out to be short-lived performers (Nowinski) or total idiots who didn't even made it to the indies (Hawk, Jake). Tough Enough 3 was totally unnecessary and a waste of time. Much like all the reality tv shows, in fact.

 

Harry: Bullshit. It hasn't popped ratings, and the first live segment they did with the guys was so horrible, they killed the crowd and had to edit it all to hell before it aired. Plus, it involved Big Show (who is on Eddie's babyface team at Survivor Series) playing uberheel.

 

4)WWE's list of "legends" in the new Raw Vs. SmackDown game is the most impressive yet;

 

Gags: Fact but it's not like it was hard to beat. Bret Hart looks awesome (or, dare I say, GagnonAwesome), LOD always look great, Beefcake is a funny addition. However, I couldn't care less about playing with The Giant and, really, what is the difference between LegendTaker and our current Undertaker besides the grey tie?

 

Harry: Beats me. I don't follow the platform games. They're never gonna top the greatness that was the 1990 WrestleFest arcade game. They should make an updated version of that.

 

5)Pat Patterson will resurface, only in NWA TNA

 

Gags: BULLSHIT. I don't know why Pat Patterson would bother being Jarrett's lackey. I guarantee a New Age Outlaws reunion however.

 

Harry: Bullshit. He'll be back in the WWE to book the 2006 Royal Rumble after the 2005 Royal Rumble is a train wreck. If a guy like Yokozuna was too loyal to jump during the Monday Night War when WCW offered him $10,000 for a run-in (okay, waddle-in), no way does Pat-Pat bite the hand that fed him for TNA chump change.

 

 

Gene Snitsky Goes Hollywood!

 

Gene Snitsky has it all. Leading man good looks, undeniable screen presence, and a hatred for unborn children. This alone makes him a perfect candidate to star in Family films.

 

With that said, we here at The Wrestling Fan have decided to CAMPAIGN for Gene in Hollywood, and attempt to find him the perfect vehicle for his uncanny acting ability.

 

Below is a couple of potential Gene Snitsky vehicles; but feel free to contribute your ideas here, and together WE can get Gene into Hollywood; a place he could call home. (And with whores like Tara Reid running around there, he may even get him some extra work on the side! It's PERFECT!).

 

                      

 

 

 

Well, that's it for November. I'll be back next month with the vaunted and celebrated look at 2004 with THE YEAR-END BACK-LEG FRONTKICK. Where, my friend, I will recycle more than a hemp wearing Hippy trying to save the Earth from people like me. I'll take a look back and re-tell the same jokes all while unloading two full cans of Aerosol. It should be something.

 

But 'til then, I leave you to finish masturbating to that disgusting website you think no one knows about.

 

 

I’m Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).