Back-Leg
Frontkick: 03/23/05: March 2005: Two Year TWF
Anniversary Special: Featuring Completely Random News;
The ULTIMATE Triple H Collection, Wrestling With Time,
Matt Hardy FECES The Truth, Worst Wrestlemania Matches
EVER; Original Wrestlemania Hi-Jinks, And WWE Films
Presents! All This, Plus Much More~!
Anyway, I thought I’d dust off the
old Back-leg this week, for a special occasion. You see,
on March 30, we here at the Wrestling Fan.com will be
celebrating our two year anniversary! Yes, two years.
Somehow, I've managed to think of new ways to make the
same exact jokes for more than one month. Imagine
that. That said, in the last 2 years,
we’ve grown at the same geometric rate as Stephanie's
ass, and today we have somewhat of a cult following on
the Net. Some of which don't even share the same
last name as me. It's true! So, special thanks go
out to you, the readers, as well as the tireless
Staff of TWF for making it happen. And of course
Thanks to me. I hadn't really been talking to me
for quite a while back in 2003, but somehow, we once
again bonded over this very website. So, if I'm reading
this, Thank you for being there. I really appreciate all
the hard work I've put into this site and look forward
to working with myself for many years to come. God bless
me. I'm a credit to journalism. I just hope I feel the
same way about me. So, in the spirit of celebrating,
celebration and other words that mean celebrating that I
was too lazy to punch into my Thesaurus, I have
declared this impending March 30 to be “TWF
Day” here at the site; which means... well, it means
nothing. It just sounded good. Maybe there’ll be cake, I
don’t know. The trick will be getting Renee to agree to
get inside there first in a bikini. Let's just hope
I don't forget that someone's in there before having it
baked again. It was kind of awkward for
everybody. So, ya. Here's to 730
days of saying Pat Patterson fucks people in the ass. If
fucking Police Academy can make the same joke work for
10 years straight, perhaps we can too. Even if we don't
have a comic virtuoso like the guy who played Hightower.
Or something. I don't know. I've totally lost interest
in this opener. Let's move on. HAPPY
ANNIVERSARY~! Hey, This Looks
Interesting… In my recent bout of total and complete apathy as far as
updating this column goes, I’ve actually missed out on several stories and news
bits that I shall comment on now. This would probably be a lot more interesting
if it was still relevant though… Edge Spears
Lita: By now, we’ve
all heard about the alleged affair between Lita and Edge; exposed to the net by
V1 himself, after Lita came home to Matt after a night with Edge reeking of more
than awesomeness. Anyway, some people still think that the whole thing was a
*work*, while others, specifically, dumpy, fat 14
year old girls, believe the plight of V1 himself... then no doubt cry
themselves to sleep in their ridiculous diaries filled with emo poetry and teen
angst, all while wearing painfully tight Korn T-shirts. Lord how I hate
them. Anyhoo, in any event, for those of you who haven’t heard, here's what Matt
had to say on his own website: “Just for the record, I never told anyone the story in it's
entirety until news sites on the internet started breaking the story (and
there's still a ton of appalling things you guys don't know). I took down Amy's
pictures on my site and in my house because they were sickening to look at. When
the story started coming out, in no form or fashion was I going to allow myself
to look like the bad guy. I couldn't afford personally or professionally to let
incorrect versions of the story stand. I just wish you guys could have
experienced the truth and saw what actually happen. You can take my word for
what it's worth--in your eyes and heart. Adam Copeland is
feces. As upset as I am with Amy now, I still care about her and
I would hate to see her destroy her life. The feces' track record speaks for
itself. I have never ask anyone to take sides, I have only told the truth. Adam Copeland is feces? Holy shit, Matt, watch your
language! There might be children reading! Or at least really, really
fat teenaged girls who somehow believe that just because you once quoted
them in a message forum, that somehow, someway, that means you're now
dating. However, this whole situation, while tragic if it’s true, still
strikes me somewhat funny. That was his BEST FRIEND? A best friend who once
tried to throw him off a 20 foot ladder to his death. Kayfabe-wise, how do they
ever even explain this? "You betrayed me, Adam! Remember the way we used to bond
as you tried to kill me by crushing my head with chairs and spearing
me off 30 foot hooks above the ring? Well, it's over! Our friendship is over!
You'll never maim me and possibly destroy my livelihood again! And you'll have
to live with it!". Anyway, if you read that thread over at Death Valley
Driver, you’d know that Lita doesn’t exactly have the best reputation as being
“pure.” Apparently all it would take is one gynecological swab to collect enough
DNA to clone half the EMLL locker room in Now that we’ve established Lita’s character (and
assassinated it), what of Edge? Didn’t this dude just get remarried? Man, you
think you know a guy. Actually, he told us we didn't for like 7 fucking years.
We just didn't listen. All I know is having sex with Edge would be terrifying. I
can imagine as Lita was cluelessly undressing, there'd be Edge, behind her
back, bouncing on the spot in the corner of the room, ready to pounce on
her. IT'S ALL HE KNOWS. I'd also recommend against letting Edge go down on
you, I'd think. With the sheer layers of teeth this dude has, getting ate out
might be literal. If I was a woman, I'd sooner let the creature in Alien have at
my clam. And the sad part is, after bedding Lita, Edge's blood is probably
way more corrosively acidic than ANY of those Aliens ever were. That's
probably the reason why you never saw El Dandy again. He dissolved into a
puddle after having at Lita. Only some teeth and Lou Ferigno's hairdo remained.
It was tragic. To someone. Probably Bret Hart. He never doubted
him. That all said, I’m not going to lie, I like Edge AND
Matt Hardy BOTH. So, this is quite the conundrum for me. And keeping
rats on the side is a regular matter of course in the business, but to lay the
pipe on your best friend’s girl? That’s cold. So much for 'Bros b4
Ho’s'. I can't say I blame Edge, though. Truth be told, I've wanted Lita for
YEARS. If only because in addition to being hot, there's a good possibility that
she'd be the one girl capable of moonsaulting from a great distance exactly onto
my genitals. My previous girlfriends were like terrible at high spots. So much
so, I had to release them. Literally.
The Police made me. Something about keeping them in cages being a human atrocity
or some such. Still, part of me, the
part not related to my groinal region, still wonders if this
whole thing is a work. Could this be spun into an angle? Will we see end up
seeing Matt Hardy Vs. Edge in a “Lita on a pole match?”… Wait, Lita on a pole? That’s how this whole thing got started!
Ya, that's how I'm ending this. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mark-out for the nostalgia
of seeing Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels reunite as the Rockers. And why
not? If Mick Jagger & Keith
Richards can get onstage and thrash around, and not disintegrate into a fine
dust, surely my two favorite aged Rockers can do the same. I'm just happy that
Marty was back. And looked as good as he did. Apparently he, like Michaels, has
found God. He was hiding in the closet it turns out. So, ya, Marty and HBK
together again, under the auspices of Jesus himself. The two clearly need to
just bite the bullet, err communion wafer as it were at refer to themselves as
THE CHRISTIAN ROCKERS. And then come out to THIS song. He is an
awesome God, indeed. I'll mark. Almost as much as if Marty changes his name
to Martyr Jannetty and sacrifices himself for the
betterment of humankind and God above. Or maybe just create some drama
by taking a double-teams from La Resistance. Whichever. I'm
flexible. Anyway, turns out I wasn't the only one happy to see
Marty back, because the crowd popped bigger for Marty (just don’t let him pour
your drinks, ladies) than they did for the motley crew of crew-cut douchebags
that were to follow. And therein is the problem with WWE today. Their shit is so
fucking cookie-cutter, that I'd rather watch a 45 year old Marty Jannetty
wrestle for 2 straight hours in a paisley undershirt, then even 45 seconds of
Mark Jindrak. Because, unlike today, WWF used to MAKE me care about these
people. Not so much today. Hell, Jindrak could UTILIZE HIS INCREDIBLE VERTICAL
LEAP And propel himself out of the atmosphere, and I'd still not give a shit. If
he burned up completely in re-entry? Maybe. But not
really. Which just goes to show how much better WWF used to be at
promoting their stars with unique and diverse characters that people actually
cared about. I mean, look at Jake Roberts. Despite looking the worst I’ve seen
anyone in this business look (When I first tuned in I thought “Shit, when did
Contemporary songmeister David Crosby learn the short-arm clothesline?”) he
STILL managed to get a bigger pop than half the locker room and keep my
full attention. Unfortunately though,
these afforemtioned people can't carry WWE anymore. And it's a
shame. With Jake, for
instance, once the feel of “Holy shit! That’s (sorta) Jake The Snake
Roberts!” wore off, we were left with the reality of a bloated crackhead wearing
my dad’s golf wear throwing maybe the most deliberately set-up clothesline ever,
and cutting an old school promo that would have rocked the proverbial Kasbah, if
it didn’t sound like he gargled with razor blades first (razors used to first
divide up the coke, no doubt.). And this is a huge shame, because the brief
snippets shown of Jake in his prime made me long for him in the ring again.
Jake’s mind still may be somewhat sharp and he may still somewhere possess the
“best in the business” psychology, but at this stage his body ain’t following
suit. It’s kinda like being the best race car driver in the world….but if you’re
stuck behind the wheel of a Pinto, chances are you ain’t gonna win too many
races. The message here? Don't hit Jake Roberts from behind. Or
something. Anyway, I guess I just have a
hard time dealing with my heroes getting old. Or looking like a cross between a
walrus and a dude who plays a guitar the size of a small
dog. In a side note though, I did
find it funny that an alcohol fueled Jake Roberts decided to show up in the WWE
the same week they started a concept called "pick your poison". Coincidence?
Probably. So, my point here? You should
have stopped reading after the phrase "contemporary songmeister". Hulk Hogan (who finally won the rights to Hulk from Marvel,
so look for Marvel to counter with a character known as the Incredible
Bollea) will apparently be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame by Sylvester
Stallone. Although, Red Rooster should have gotten the honors in my opinion
based on the Hulkster’s recent poultry woes. Anyway, this is somewhat of a coup for
the WWE, but my question is this: Where the fuck is Mr.
T? Anyway, a lot of media outlets are picking up this story,
as Stallone is arguably the biggest celebrity to grace Wrestlemania, well, since
the “Where’s the Beef” lady. But seriously, WWF has never exactly grabbed the
best celebrities, and if they did, it was usually at their lowest point.
Seriously. In the few times they didn't cart out Bob Ueker, the celebrities they
did get kind of only showed up because they needed the payday badly.
Take Burt Reynolds at WM 10, left with just the rug
on his head and the porn stache on his face after a nasty divorce from Loni
Anderson. Not to mention Willy Nelson, stripped bare by the IRS, who then sold
his soul to Vince in 1991 to croon the national anthem, adorned with cheap
merch including a foam WWF title belt wrapped around his aged soft middle.
It was like that one retarded kid in your neighborhood who wears every article
of clothing he owns, and tucks his pajama pants into big winter boots. It was
sad. And Hilarious. I am interested to see how Stallone holds up, though, and
if he actually appears on the PPV itself. (If he can bring half the class,
poise and dignity to Mania that "A-Listers" like, umm, Jonathan Taylor
Thomas and Nicholas Turturro did, I’ll consider it a success.). Anyway, obviously WWE is putting all their And ya, before I forget, where the fuck is Mr. T? I'd say I
pitied him, but that'd be inappropriate. Fool. The Blind Leading The Blind: Not a huge story, but one that made me laugh: A former pro wrestler is helping a blind woman run the
Iditarod dog race. Isn’t that precious? Why yes it is! Precious Paul Ellering,
that is. The former manager of the Road Warriors is apparently quite
the aficionado of this famous dog race, and is in turn turning that expertise
over to a woman named Rachael Scdoris, who is blind, whom he is serving
as her “visual Interpreter.” One can only assume that like Jakes
Roberts, she too was a victim of Rick Martel's giant atomizer.
(WRESTLING CONTINUITY FTW). But seriously, is a guy whom I haven’t
ever seen without a pair of heavy black sunglasses the best person to serve
as “your eyes?” If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that
Paul was blind. Maybe Rocco held the cup while Animal played the accordion?
I don’t know. But seriously, best of luck. And if you other Iditarod
competitors see a sled pulled by a mohawked dude in spiked football pads being
mushed by a man with a rolled up Wall street journal, while a ventriloquist
dummy handles the reigns, you might want to get out of the way. Oh, what a
Mush.
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR: ADAM COPELAND ON EDGE, ON LITA. You think
you know them?
You've read *both* their books, but there's one *last* chapter in the
stories of Adam Copeland and Amy Dumas! In this TWF *exclusive*, this double-sequel
reveals that Lita's REAL ' WORST
WRESTLE MANIA MATCHES EVER!!! The WWE likes to call
WrestleMania the "Showcase of the Immortals" (you know, when you discount all
the dead people) citing that memories are indelibly etched in the annals of
time. But despite the WWE's P.R., Wrestlemania has left its share of bad
memories and missed opportunities, with some leaving me with more scars than
that time I tried to shave my balls. Anyway, for every
"Boyhood dream that finally came true", (My boyhood dream was to get laid, I
don't know about you) there were matches that lowered the bar so much, that even
Mini-Me couldn't limbo it. So,
with that said, last year Ric Flair hosted a special where he looked at the ten
“Best” matches in Wrestlemania history, so in typical dickhead fashion, I
of course countered with a list of my own, chronicling the matches that should
be indelibly etched in the anals of time, you
know, on the account of the infinite shitiness. The
End.
This was of course LONG
before Brutus Beefcake began carrying around questionable duffle bags, and
subsequently trying to relieve terrified people who feared Anthrax, that “It’s
safe, it’s only cocaine!”. David of course is the son of said "Living Legend"
Bruno Sammartino, and while I'd like to tell you that the "apple doesn't fall
far from the tree", I think this tree in question must have been planted on
a compost heap somewhere, because poor David stunk up the ring worse than a bag
of broken assholes. He, like David Flair, and a slew of other no-hoper 2nd
generation stars with more famous & talented fathers, just brought
nothing to the table. Except a shapeless upper torso, and in the case of
David Flair, Psoriasis. (Psicosis' even more unpredictable brother! Or
not). I don't know what happened. It's as if in their
cases, their more infinitely skilled fathers soaked up every
last shred and corpuscle of inherited genetic talent, just leaving their
idiot sons with enough fledgling DNA so they could blink and breathe.
And by god, BEARHUG. Anyway, just because you're *dying* to know, this match
ends in a DOUBLE COUNT-OUT. So, ya, issues were NOT settled. Unless
that "issue" was a debate on whether dying from AIDS after taking a gut
shot all while blowing the Ebola monkey was a more suitably painful
demise than sitting through the 8 minutes of fucking utter misery Beefcake
& Sammartino just put us through. Pass the monkey. While the two drew the largest indoor attendance record in
North American history at the time the previous year, their big rematch in
the Quarter Finals of a tournament to determine a new WWF Champion hardly set
the world of wrestling on fire. Although, it did prove Hogan a liar when he
said Andre died like a few fucking days after Wrestlemania 3. Next thing
you'll tell me is that Hulk's claims that he would dog paddle some 20,000 people
and Donald Trump to safety aboard his barn-door
back when the Trump Plaza inevitably sank to the bottom of the ocean was also
pure hyperbole. I refuse to believe it. But I still packed a life-jacket.
You never know with all those people flailing about when you
just might accidentally fall off that back! Better safe than sorry,
bruther. Anyway, for the first time in history, this took Hogan OUT
of the Main Event at Wrestlemania, so a guy who never
existed could have clear sailing to the belt that he never held because he
never really was ever in WWE and no one remembers who he is. Ohhhh
Yeahhhh. An abundance of unsightly tattoos, midget clowns, and
unattractive S & M dominatrixes? Is this Wrestlemania, or the fucking Exotic
Erotic Ball? And speaking of S & M, the prospect of having battery clamps
attached to your cock and hot wax dribbled on your balls is still a
lot more pleasant a scenario than sitting through this one again.
Trust me. The result? "COMEDY"~! Asses are bitten, midgets are
chased, I start looking for a strong piece of rope and a stool. Bam
Bam ultimately pins Doink with the flying headbutt. The laughter is dead. And so
is any shred of appeal in the Doink character. Clearly, if WWE is any
indication, all John Wayne Gacy needed was a diminutive midget sidekick
and he too would have shed his entire murderous disposition. IMAGINE
HOW MANY LIVES COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED. Oh well. This was the forgotten Hell in a Cell match. Forgotten
in the same way RAPE VICTIMS choose to bury their pain and anguish in the
ultimate state of lifelong denial. Besides, both men barely achieved "Heck
in a Cell" this night. Seriously. It was horrible. Remember how Mick Foley
once said that Muraco & Snuka in a cage inspired him to become a
wrestler? This match probably had the exact opposite effect on people. Undertaker of course won here. It is Wrestlemania,
after all. He then proceeded the "hang" Big Bossman from the cage,
who then "died". But no worries, he was back on RAW the next night! It's funny
how hanging a man from the ceiling until he stops breathing can't put a dude on
the shelf (or in the grave) for one fucking day, yet,
gingerly walking to the ring and tearing your quad puts your ass out for
like a year. Oh ya, Bossman eventually died for real. Clearly, due to the
lingering after-effects of the dreaded HELL AND CELL~! Seriously. He
watched this match again and lost the will to
live. Bonus points go to The Brood trying to interfere
post-match by slowly and disjointedly cascading from cables in the
ceiling, supposedly in VAMPIRIC fashion~!. Only they sort of just bobbled and
awkwardly hung around, like a ventriloquist act ran by a retard .
Good thing WWE learned its lesson with faulty harnesses, though! Oh. Before I get into this, I must say that Harley Race was one
of the greatest workers in History, and certainly should not be blamed for this
abomination. Not even Jesus Christ could have pulled off this miracle. He'd
just shrug his shoulders and say "Can't I just turn this fish into about 200
more?" then awkwardly exit the room Kool-Aid man- style. As for JYD, God
bless his soul, his heart was in right place, but the motherfucker was about 999
holds away from threatening Dean Malenko, if you know what I mean. It all happened EXACTLY like this. Trust
me. What's the only thing worse than a badly "worked" wrestling
match? A badly worked "Boxing match", of course! Seriously. You know when the
best boxing match in WWE history lasted about 30 seconds and featured
BUTTERBEAN, that maybe it's time to give up the concept. Anyway, the match
ends up in a disqualification when Piper bodyslams Mr. T, which is apparently
illegal in boxing or something. Who'd have thunk it. Still though, technically,
Mr. T is UNDEFEATED At Wrestlemania. Roll that around in your mouth and see how
it tastes. Can an Undertaker /Mr. T. showdown be far behind?
Please? This was the culmination
of a feud between Andre & Jake over The Giant's apparent "phobia" of snakes.
Although, if I could drink fucking 300 beers in a row and not DIE like
Andre, I doubt I'd be afraid of anything. Just saying. 3) Hulk Hogan Vs. Sid Justice: Wrestlemania
8;
This was
supposed to be Hogan's "last match" as he left WWF to pursue a "Film
career". It's true. A film career so outrageously horrendous, that for Ebert to
truly pan it, he'd have to dip his arm in a nuclear reactor so to grow at least
four more thumbs to put down. Although, Santa had muscles. I don't know how
it didn't work. As
for the match? In my opinion, it was the single WORST Main-Event in
WrestleMania history for a number of reasons. The main one being that
it ended in a cheap DQ, as Papa Shango, a few years away from trading in his
voodoo dolls for something that's seen infinitely more pricks in it:
PROSTITUTES, missed his cue by like 2 minutes and interfered. As a
result, Sid kicked out of Hogan's legdrop. So, ya, for those counting, Sid
accomplished two very important Wrestlemania firsts. He kicked out of the
finisher that bested every top star in the industry, and he shit his
pants at WM 13. Dropping legs and dropping loads. He rules the world, but is a
slave to his bowels. No wonder he loves Softball so much. It's the only
sport where he can crap himself and blame it on the dirt from sliding into home
plate. Undertaker may have the most prolific record in
Wrestlemania history, but he also is the owner of another record: Being fed the
most useless loads in wrestling history for like a decade. And somehow, in the
early years, it seems like he was feed these guys exclusively. The worst of the
bunch? Giant Gonzalez. Gonzalez was 7'7", so of course Vince automatically
hired him. But at least he was bad ass looking. As bad ass as you can
be when your hair-laden asshole is airbrushed onto the back of
your tights. The main problem with this hiring, though, is
that obviously no one ever bothered watching WCW, where El Gigante produced
matches so fucking sub-par, that if there is a Hell, Satan himself will be
showing him wrestle exclusively looping over and over for all of eternity.
You'll be begging for sulfur and eternal burning. Trust
me. So,
Undertaker had quite the task here. Normally, I'd say being forced to work an
entire 6 month program with Gonzalez would drive a man to suicide, but even if
Taker did take his own life, he'd just reanimate
again anyway, so it'd be of no use. Damn those immortal otherworldly powers!
(just ignore the shoot-fighting gloves. They were kind of hard to come by in the
1800's old West.). In any event, despite
Undertaker having a memorable entrance, the match itself was one of, if not the
WORST in WWF History. And that covers A LOT of ground. But I'm telling
you, it was so bad, Jackie Gayda would be shaking her head and saying "Holy
shit, what an embarrassment!". Then she'd botch walking back to the sofa, all
while hoping no one noticed. This all said, this
match was certainly not Taker's fault, as he wasn't able to really carry a
match due to the limitations of the character. I mean, you never seen Jason
Voorhees fucking small package anybody, right? The whole fault goes to
WWF for even booking it in the first place. You can't blame
Gonzalez. Blaming him would be like blaming a retard for eating his snot.
He doesn't know any better. Anyway, Gonzalez's "selling" basically consisted of a
lot of blinking and pretending to be stunned, all while teetering with the grace
of a drunken Irishmen stumbling home. In the end, the match didn't even
have a payoff, as Gonzalez choked out Taker with a rag covered in "chloroform"
thus drawing a DQ. If only Gonzalez had passed us
the rag about 5 minutes before the bell rang. Might have saved us a lot of
grief.
Do
I even have to mention why this is number 1? It was probably the most
disappointing heavily hyped match in WWE history. In fact, it was the equivalent
of thinking you were going to bed with Angelina Jolie, then about 30 seconds
into it, someone turns on the light and it's fucking Jon Voight ridin' your
missile. This match had a TON of potential. But like one week
before, Brock Lesnar decided he'd rather stop laying on top of dudes for a
living, and instead try a job where he'd just accept a ball from
between their legs. It was still gay as shit, but damn it, it was his gay
dream. Or something. All I know is, it was TERRIBLE.
So, with his plane idling in the That said, the crowd, who apparently got wind of this new
fangled “internet” thingy, heard all about both men’s departures, and proceeded
to aim their asses directly at the ring and shit on everything that both men
did, as both men desperately tried to ignore the crowd, and go through
their horrible paint- by-numbers match. NOTE TO WWE: When the crowd chants
"THIS MATCH SUCKS", maybe tell them going to an extended five minute rest-hold
sequence might not be the best idea ever. The only thing that
somehow redeemed this was Stone Cold (who was referee) laughing at the
whole sorted mess. Which was ironic, because he retired so to avoid being
involved in matches like this. Yet, the poor bastard was now refereeing his
worst nightmare. Anyway, finally, someone must have called an audible
backstage, and the match mercifully ended with a jackhammer by Goldberg. There
Goes the Pain. However, to (jack) hammer home the stinktitude, Vince
McMahon actually came out and basically apologized to the crowd. So you know
it had to be bad. Because he is still trying to convince the world the fucking XFL was
working. Yet, he threw in the towel here like 20 minutes later. Good
god. Well, that's my Top 10 Worst Wrestlemania Matches EVER.
These are the moments a motherfucker buys WD-40 for, so to erase these inedible
writings in the annals of time. Ten moments so bad, that like guys that won 14
man tournaments for the WWF title, they should be erased from history. No
chance of seeing this shit in the hype packages. But hey, if they did, that'd
mean people would find out that there was more than two moments in Wrestlemania
history . It's true. Despite WWE TV's insistence, HBK riding a fucking
zip-line and Hogan and Andre having a staring contest wasn't the only things to
ever happen at this event. Imagine that.
The ULTIMATE Triple H
Collection! With the recent overwhelming
success of the Ric Flair, Chris Benoit and ECW DVDs, WWE is preparing to release
its most EXTENSIVE DVD collection ever, on authority of Stephanie McMahon
herself, that will FINALLY encompass the full gamut of greatness of a superstar
who needs no introduction, but yet insists on taking 7 minutes with his
anyway, TRIPLE H! Introducing the ULTIMATE
TRIPLE H COLLECTION!!! An extensive journey into the career and life and
divinity of the Game that can only NOW be told that we have complete
control over every wrestling archive ever! Take a
trip into the past and find out the origins of the 100 time World Champion! From
the time he defeated Bruno Sammartino in a shocker for the WWWF Championship in
1971, all the way to the birth of HunterMania in 1983 with his shocking upset of
Iron Sheik; to Wrestlemania 3 where made history by defeating the legendary
Andre The Giant! It’s all here on this 3-disc
collection! Disc
Includes over 6 hours of bonus material including his tragic 1975 plane crash
with Johnny Valentine…and subsequent one day
recovery! Also, bear witness to his wars in the NWA, AWA, ECW
and more, as well as his triumphs in winning previously unwinnable wars in
Vietnam and Korea! It's true! Watch him amass championship after
championship, and accolade after accolade in timeless classics that
previously never existed! Only in the WWE! Chapters include: -16 consecutive hour *Real
Time* commentary by Triple H; -HHH ending Bruno Sammartino’s 8 year WWWF Title reign; - -HHH wins his second of 14 WCW/NWA Titles by defeating
Harley Race at HunterCade’83! -The Birth of Huntermania against The Iron Sheik!; -Hunter doing the damn near impossible by body slamming the
near 600 pound Andre The Giant at WrestleMania 3! -The
Birth of Hunter 3:16! "Hunter 3:16 Says I just pinned your ass, thus
permanently relegating you to mid-card status!" (first printed T-shirts
were some 6 feet wide). -Plus,
never before seen, *exclusive* footage of Hunter defeating Verne Gagne, Dusty
Rhodes and Bruno Sammartino all in the same night to
become the undisputed Champion of the Universe and NO DOUBT, BEST WRESTLER EVER,
even better than Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan and everybody!!!!!! Trust
us! -Plus in
a *WWE exclusive*, we take a look back at his championship “pedigree” with
a look at his great grandfather, Hunter Hearst Hackenschmidt! Watch
as the first HHH overcomes scurvy on the boat ride to America, because the
fledgling disease just wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility! Plus,
marvel as he becomes wrestling’s first ever recognized Champion by
defeating Frank Gotch* in the early turn of the century! Plus *exclusive*
footage of his incredible successful title defenses against lower-tier
non-drawing non-HHH opponents like Ronald Van Dam! Booker T. Washington!
and Chadwick Jericho! BOY DID THEY NOT EVER
DRAW. Plus, Easter Eggs
include: -HHH is revealed as the reborn Christ turning organized
religion on its ear! There's a NEW King of Kings in town! -HHH
selflessly saves the environment by creating cold fusion... by
burning the bodies of the cruiserweight division for a source of energy!
Their perpetual motion is finally coming in handy for
something! -HHH ends
the great depression by putting the World Title on himself. Depression then
instantly turns to jubilation! -HHH cures cancer (among many other terminal diseases) with
an inspiring 45 minute promo. Locker Room Cancer is still inoperable,
however. -HHH
armed only with the awesome pedigree, stops international Tyranny as he thwarts
the worlds most heinous evil-doers..by pinning
them!
So, own a
piece of (revisionist) history, and relive all the classic wrestling moments the
way you don’t remember them!…. Order the
quintessential DVD now!~ because soon it’s all that’ll be
left!** * Ok,
there's no Frank Gotch. President William McKinley kind of just gave him the
title. Whatever. **Seriously. We're not making anymore videos.
P.S. HHH is awesome.
WWE FILMS PRESENT: Last spring, we put together a satire making light of
potential WWE
films (until WWE
upped and topped us with real abortions like the yet to be released “Eye Scream
Man.”). Anyway, a year has passed, and with WWE putting out parody movie clips
going into Wrestlemania XXI, I decided to put together some *new* TWF movies~!
Coming soon to that part of the video store where you find Stallone's "Cobra"
and Highlander: Final Dimension for like 3
dollars. JUNIOR. Starring Gene Snitsky! As part of a fertility research project, an angry
acne-riddled man with a distaste for unborn children is impregnated. He then
runs into a wall repeatedly until he isn't anymore. He however takes no blame
for the miscarriage. Not ever. He may kick a few other people's children in the
process. I can't remember. That's the movie.
Yup. UNFAITHFUL. Starring Edge, Lita and Matt
Hardy! A seemingly happy couple (when you discount the fact he
publicly dumped her on RAW like 2 years before, but hey, you're not supposed to
remember that) is TORN APART, when the wife begins an adulterous affair with a
toothy Canadian. The Husband then seeks vindication the only way he knows
how: by typing feverishly on the Internet. He was going to brain him to death
with a snow-globe, but ruining his reputation via the World Wide Web seemed like
a much better idea. Veeeee Oneahhh. PUNCH DRUNK LOVE. Starring Stone Cold Steve Austin
& Debra! A beleaguered Texas-Rattlesnake done gets a
harmonium and embarks on one of them there romantic journeys with a
mysterious woman. He then whips her ass. Government mules may or may not be
involved.
OLD
SCHOOL. Starring The Undertaker! A deadman is disenchanted with his
regular Biker life and tries to recapture his immortal
zombie powers by forming his own MINISTRY OF DARKNESS. Satanic keggers
abound. Frank the Tank may or may not drink Undertaker's blood thus giving him
otherworldly vision. Coming soon! DAVE. Starring Dave Batista! To avoid a potentially explosive scandal when the
heavily-muscled U.S. President goes into a coma, an affable ANIMAL
with an uncanny resemblance, is put in his place. And good thing they found him!
Overly muscle-bound guys who spinebuster are really hard to come by these days!
Ahem. THE NEVER ENDING STORY. Starring HHH! A troubled Main Eventer dives into a wondrous
fantasy world through the pages of a mysterious book! Or maybe that was booking
committee. Whichever. He then uses his new supernatural friends to
help him hold down the other children who tormented him!*. He then pins those
fantasy figures, too. Because, come on. As if anyone would buy a flying hybrid
dog/dragon as Champion. *Challenged his status as top
star.
Hey
all, and welcome back to the column that is a lot like
rotting garbage….the longer I leave it, the more it
tends to stink. And by that I mean, BE AWESOME.
Actually, I was probably right the first
time.
I never "insulted the internet
world", I only used one writer's article as an example of what not to do or be
influenced by on the net. I love the internet concept--my goal is to always help
make it better, not tear it down. If I remember correctly, my post was to ask
people to make their own opinions based on the facts and their own judgments.
Not to just take someone else's opinion as fact, especially if they're not an
expert in a given field. The same thing goes for me--I give you information, and
you decide what to do with it. I think my track record speaks for itself.
As a public figure, I willingly
had to give up my privacy once I started appearing on TV week in and week out,
as all WWE superstars do. There would be no "scandal" to talk about if there had
not been a "scandal" in the first place. I respect you for speaking your opinion
in an adult fashion; I just wanted to give you more insight of where I'm coming
from. Be well,
Matt.”Nostalgia-mania:
Hall Of Fame, Bruther.
Now, keep in mind, the following
list is one man's opinion, and the criteria I used to determine who should grab
the brass turd-ring may not be what you would
consider when compiling a list of your own. You'd probably also make less
jokes about dead people & ass fucking. But hey, what can you
do.
That said, my detailed
and complicated criterion as to who was and who
wasn't was considered was the following:
If it sucked, it gets
listed.
OK then, on with the list!
10) Brutus Beefcake Vs. David Sammartino: WrestleMania
1;
This
match took place at the original Wrestlemania, and despite originally being
advertised as a "tag team match" with respective seconds Luscious Johnny V.
& Bruno Sammartino, it ended up just being Beefer and David, one on
one; which at this point in time was akin to crossing the
fucking streams in Ghostbusters. Try to imagine all life as you know it
stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed
of light. Only with like more rest-holds.
9) Hulk Hogan Vs. Andre The Giant:
Wrestlemania 4;
At this point in his
life, Andre was barely mobile, probably due to him starting to decompose after
being dead for an entire calendar year. The two then battled in slow
motion. Headbutts were thrown. As were headbutts. A bearhug. Some more
headbutts. Then some headbutts. A choke. Then the big payoff.
Headbutts while in a choke, that segued to a bearhug. It was masterful. The
two were then both disqualified for crimes against humanity. Or maybe
using a steel chair. DRAW. I'd have personally suggested a
time-limit draw, but Andre had already eclipsed that by the time he waddled over
for the first lock up. So, ya.
8) Doink & Dink Vs, Bam Bam Bigelow
& Luna Vachon: WrestleMania X;
Anyway, this was the
big "blow off" in the feud between Doink (no longer played by Matt Borne
but now a slew of lower-card heroes like Phil Apollo and Steve Lombardi) and Bam
Bam Bigelow. The feud had really escalated since the SURVIVOR SERIES SCREWJOB. I
mean, Four Doinks at once against Bam Bam? Bam Bam screwed Bam
Bam. Somewhere along that time, the WWF decided that Doink would no
longer have psychotic delusions, the same ones that made the character
interesting, but would instead just embrace being a regular old clown, shedding
his evil sadistic instincts for making fucking balloon animals and
hanging out with midgets. It happens to the best of
us.
7) Big Bossman
Vs. Undertaker: Wrestlemania 15;
This match barely
even utilized the structure, and would only be knocked off its lofty perch
as WORST CAGE MATCH EVER, 6 months later when WWF thought a great way to "spice
up" Satan's structure would be if Dogs held by little men at ringside shit all
over the protective mats.
6) JYD Vs. Harley Race Wrestlemania
3;
Basically, this match was A LOT of
head-butting, but it moved so slow, at one point both men somehow turned
back time. Harley pulled a 3 star match out of a Brachiosaurus. Then
managed a T-Rex to three NWA Titles. Millions of years passed. And despite
Evolution's best efforts, JYD still only learned one move. They both then
eventually made their way back and Harley finished with a text
book Belly to Belly. What, you don't have Belly to Belly suplexes in your
text books? Well, they're only available at the school Ric Flair takes you to,
and in the classroom that educated the feet of Rob Van
Dam.
5) Roddy Piper Vs. Mr. T.: WrestleMania
2;
Speaking of Mr. T,
he was one of the most manufactured celebrities in history, and by the time
Wrestlemania 2 rolled around he was about 2 minutes past his original
"15". Strikes also against T for having Joe Frazier in his corner, instead
of HOWLING MAD MURDOCH. I mean, who did Frazier ever beat?....
As for the "match" itself,
somewhere along the line, someone in the back watching Rocky 3 must
have thought that Mr. T. possessed actual "Boxing skills" and thus decided that
the two should pretend to "box" for 10 rounds. Blarrrgghh. But hey, this is a
company that honestly believed Hulk Hogan vs. ZEUS had the legs to fucking
main event Wrestlemania 6, so ya.
4) Andre The Giant Vs.
Jake "The Snake" Roberts: Wrestlemania 5;
The late (but sorry, he ain't
coming) Big John Studd was the special referee, but that didn't make a
difference in this one. Jake did try desperately to make something out of this
match, but Andre was completely immobile. More so than usual. It' was like
fighting a red wood. Only the redwood had more agility. And better
offense. The match ultimately ends up in a Disqualification when Andre
attacks Studd and foot locker uniform. Jake would then go on to spend the rest
of career trying to match Andre beer for beer. Good times.
2) Undertaker Vs.
Giant Gonzalez: WrestleMania 9;
1) Brock Lesnar Vs. Goldberg;
Stan Hansen
HHH breaks Bruno's neck with a lariat sledgehammer;-HHH
controversial defeat of Bob Backlund with the Camel Clutch for the WWF
Title!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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