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Back-Leg Frontkick: 06/17/05: In This Jam-Packed Edition, I Help Matt Hardy Start Dating Again, Explore Heidenreich's Strange Transformation From Cole-Raping Poet To Pied Piper; JBL Serves Blue Meanie A Low-Carb Potato, Harlem Sewer Mall-Rats, Orton's Shit Doesn't Stink, Plus The TWF Debut Of "If They Mated!". All This, Plus Much More!

Hey there, and welcome back to the column that is a lot like case of herpes; although it may lay dormant for a while, it always pops up when you least expect it: The Back-Leg Frontkick.!... Doctor approved, and the best source for your daily weekly monthly intake of mindless bullshit.

Anyway, I know this column has been as frequent as a blowjob after ten years of marriage, but that's all changed! I'm back, baby!...well, for this week anyway. From there, I'll probably go back to doing nothing, and pretty much feeling zero guilt about it. I'm silly like that.

In any event, first and foremost, I have to plug the contest to end all contests: THE 2005 TWF SATIRE SEARCH! The feel good event of the year, and the only place where a person can find a home amongst other disgruntled, broken, bitter people who spend far too much time talking about dude's in their underwear. And you too can have a home here, where you'll be respected, loved, and perhaps even violated while you sleep! Sound good? Well, all you have to do is click here for the contest guidelines, and soon you could be on your way to spreading bad taste to the fat masses and annoying everyone who doesn't understand our twisted little way of thinking here. And that's not all! It wouldn't be a contest if you didn't get your fat little grubby paws on a PRIZE, right? (well, besides my friendship, which I've calculated to have a net worth of about 55 Canadian dollars). So, get to it. Because, after all, what do you have to lose? (Well, besides the contest...and your dignity...).

Moving on….

A LOT has happened since I last left you, and we’ll get to all that wrestling goodness with a ferocity only seen when Stephanie tackles a full course breakfast in a moment; but first, to briefly follow-up the last BLFK, Warrior never did arrive, luckily sparing me the “fisticuffs” he promised so many of his other detractors (fisticuffs meaning about 13 consecutive running clotheslines before collapsing in the corner to catch his breath). Still though, there is a minute chance he could STILL arrive any day now, because after all, it is a pretty long fucking run fromArizona to Ontario….

Hey, I have (bitter) opinions! Let’s hear ‘em!...

WRESTLING DIARRHEA

Normally, I’d just start with headlines floating around the net, but there’s far too many things I wanted to talk about first in no particular order. And hence “Wrestling Diarrhea” was born; for which the purging of my opinions will have the same effect as the uncomfortable, painful, unending flow of shit purged from the human body when one is painting the bowl. The only difference is I’ll be using the figurative image of Vince McMahon to wipe my “ass”, instead of Cottonelle.

And oh ya, in case you’re wondering, I’m not really such a sarcastic asshole, I just play one on the Internet…. 

Heidenreich: Be His Friend!...Or Die!

Let us all do the Heidenreich March!...and try to forget that a giant Aryan superman marching around MAY not be the most sensitive image to a lot of folks…

Anyway, our friend Heidenreich has gone through quite the change lately, as we’ve seen old’ “Pseudo Sid” transform from rumored frozen Nazi (who apparently was unthawed just in time to play a few seasons for the Saints), to discovering the joys of poetry and anally raping Michael Cole against the locker room door while reading said Haiku. And I don’t know about you, but there is clearly only one place to go after sexually ruining a lead broadcaster against his will….and that’s surrounding yourself with children! Holy shit.

In any event, Heidenreich, seemingly just wants a "friend" now, and in the interim seems to be drawing his power by associating with as many underage children as possible (hey, does Rob Feinstein know of this blatant trademark infringement?!). And as a result, WWE has even created a page on their website where your children can send in their PHOTOS, and pledge their unwavering friendship to a 7 foot man, whom I’ve never once seen wear a single pair of pants in the last two years. Man, what a great, and not-at-all inappropriate and creepy idea!

But all things aside, I still felt compelled to send my picture in, if only to see my bearded visage appear on TV with a slew of school age children, just to freak people out. And besides, to be totally honest, Heidenreich is still a lot more interesting than most of my *real* friends. They don't fuck strangers in the ass nearly as much as this guy. So, Hedenreich, I'll be your friend. I just won’t let you read me any poetry. Or I'll at least wear a chastity belt over my pristine arsehole while you do. 

Flying Too Close To The Sun On Wings Of Pastrami

There are two words I never thought I’d ever hear uttered in the same sentence, and that was “Viscera” and “entertaining”, but I have to admit, that’s exactly what he’s been lately.

The WWE has christened the former Mabel, the “500 pound Love Machine” despite the fact at that weight, it'd be impossible to "love anything" because his dick would probably resemble an acorn sitting on his balls. But hey, that’s beside the point.  The funny thing is, Big Vis is actually registering decent ratings, hence why he’s been so prominently featured. And here I thought the only shapeless black blob to draw big numbers was Oprah. Shows what I know. And that’s the thing, you never know what will catch on in the WWE. But you have to run with it. Or in Vis's case, walk ploddingly slow so to not die with it. Even if it is a morbidly obese black vampire named after internal organs lecherously hitting on ring announcers. (I see it happen everyday).

Now, if only they could bring back Sir Mo, and rechristen him, I don’t know, “Colonary Tract” (because after all, both produce a lot of shit) I could die a happy man. Men on a Mission ...to fuck every white woman on the roster! And eat everything in sight! It would be GOLD.

WWE “Feces” The Truth.

So, it looks like after two months of having to hear crowds chant “You screwed Matt”, WWE has finally  buckled and gave the crowd what they really wanted…. Edge & Lita as an onscreen “couple”….only without the guy who actually warranted the chants…umm, Matt Hardy... you know, the guy who Lita really cheated on, and the guy who elicited the outpour of emotion. Not that Kane's plight to avenge the betrayal of a woman he tricked into fucking then forced into marriage isn't sympathetic...

See, this is why people say the WWE is clueless now. I mean, how do you draw money from a “controversy” when the guy whom the people actually sympathizes with, isn’t even involved. (as Harry said to me, look for WWE to reveal Kane’s real name is “Matt Kane” to fill in all the loopholes…). I mean, that’s the equivalent of doing fucking Montréal screwjobs without Bret Hart. Oh wait.

But on a lighter note, this whole angle is getting hilariously ridiculous.  First, Lita ONLY NOW decides to get a “divorce”?   “You know, Dr. Phil, I know he forced me into sex, murdered my true love on my wedding day, and indirectly cost me my baby, but damn it, I thought I could make it work!”.  Come on. Seriously. I don’t know about you, but if I was forced to marry an evil monster , I might not wait 10 months to get a divorce. But hey, maybe she just wanted half of everything he owned? Which I guess would be a mask, a cheerleader's outfit stained with semen, and umm, that's about it. Good thinking, Lita. It was really worth it.

However, Kane isn’t exactly coming out of this thing with a lot of credibility, either. I mean, the dude was burned, put in a mental institution, betrayed by both is father AND brother, crushed my a limo, fell into a dumpster filled with fire, had this throat crushed, and still, he keeps on trucking, but yet, he gets dumped by a woman who probably has a map of Mexico tattooed on the inside of her thighs, just to make suitors feel at home, and all of a sudden he’s blubbering like a teenage girl? I never pegged a guy a who can propel fire using just his mind as the Emo type. All of a sudden, I’m getting a picture of the hulking Kane writing tearfully in his diary, while eating Häagen-Dazs directly from the container as Good Charlotte plays on the radio….

Same Old Game.

You know, Triple H was gone so long, I barely recognized him when he came back…umm, two weeks later. I guess “gone forever” means something different to everyone. And hey, I know people like to call HHH a cancer, but at least fucking cancer has the decency to go into remission for more than 14 days...

Ya, that's all I wanted to say.

COMPLETELY RANDOM NEWS~!

For those of you familiar with this column (and how dare you not be), you'll know that every week, month, whenever, I usually look at the Headlines as they appear on actual reputable sites like Wrestling Observer, PWInsider and whatever... and from there, I usually proceed to undo all that journalistic integrity brought forth by these esteemed luminaries, and make a lot of tasteless and inappropriate jokes. It's the circle of life, baby.

 

BLACK AND BLUE MEANIE.

 

As you've probably all heard, there was a real-life physical altercation between JBL and Blue Meanie on last Sunday's ECW PPV, where it's said that JBL leveled Meanie with legitimate punches, opening up the stitches he had over his eye from the previous night's Hardcore Homecoming show. But for those of you haven't heard, here's the word as reported by PWInsider.com:

 

"Several people live, as well as WWE sources, have confirmed that during the brawl at the end of tonight's ECW PPV, that JBL went after Blue Meanie and threw several real punches at his face, bloodying him up. A lot of the wrestlers who were in the ring and saw this looked really mad. Reports were Al Snow, who trained Meanie, visually looked the most upset. The two have heat dating back to Meanie's days in WWF, and JBL cut a promo on Meanie on Smackdown which was edited off the show a few weeks back."

 

And almost immediately, The Blue Meanie  corroborated these accusations as seen here, courtesy of his MySpace.com Blog:

 

"What turned out to be a beautiful weekend came to end on a sour note. I guess by now you all know what happened last night between Bradshaw and myself. It’s no secret that Bradshaw never liked me from my first day in the WWE to my last. What I did to the guy to piss him off I don’t know but then maybe I never needed to know. Bradshaw has always had the rep of being a bully and a liberty taker in the ring and he also has a rep of getting away with it.

 

Once the ECW/WWE brawl started I paired of with Coach and I felt a punch come from out of nowhere. My first instinct was to hit back BUT I also had the issue of trying to protect the 14 staples I have in my head. I got some rib shots in the best I could but he got the upper hand with going to my face, opening a fresh wound on my forehead and swelling my eye.

 

All I saw was red as the blood fill me eyes and I believe it was Maven I pulled on top of me to get him to “choke” me. After he got cleared out guys came up to check on me and we went on the other deal with Austin and Bischoff and the big post brawl party in the ring. As F***ed up as what Bradshaw did, the crowd reaction had me so buzzed that I didn’t feel anything.

 

I got to the back and Bradshaw was in a part of the gorilla position. He came over like he was going to do something else but people got in between. He was yelling about me talking about him on the Internet. The rest of what he said I didn’t hear cause I was too busy saying, “Yo, it’s a work!” and “Dude, the business is a F***in work!!” So I did the best thing anyone could ever do in the situation and just walked away.

 

I got stitched up and said my good byes. A lot of the guys were pissed and asked what happened. When I told them they were pissed even more. We got home and all I have been doing is popping Aleve and icing my face and reflecting. All this happened over was me calling him a bully. Well John……… you just proved me right.

 

In closing I want to say thank you to everyone who ran Hardcore Homecoming Friday night. I wanna say thank you to the WWE for giving EC Dub an opportunity to shine last night. I wanna say to the rest of the WWE workers and staff a big thank you for the hospitality. It was great catching up with all of you. To my EC Dub brothers and sisters I wanna say I love you. I was in heaven seeing all of you this weekend and doing it one more time. To the fans I wanna say I love you because with out the fans we wouldn’t have been anywhere without you this past weekend. I will be going back to icing my face and ponder if I will be wrestling on this weekends 3PW show. I will probably pull off of it so I can properly heal these stitches and staples. Plus we all know chicks dig scars. "

 

And from there, here's a follow-up that paints JBL in a far more flattering light: (once again courtesy of PWInsider.com)

 

"Sources with questionable motives have been making the claim that because JBL "kisses Vince McMahon's ass," he will be immune from any punishment from WWE officials for his actions at the ECW PPV. While it's very likely JBL won't be hit with a stiff punishment, the JBL situation has been the victim of very biased reporting that doesn't even reflect true journalism.

 

 For starters, WWE management does take what Bradshaw did very seriously; if for nothing else than the fact that he shot on an outside talent who, if interested, could potentially bring some sort of case against WWE. The odds of that happening are not likely, but WWE assumes far more liability when an outside talent gets hurt working a one-night gig than it does with a roster member (see the Holly-Dupree situation). Before the PPV, wrestlers were also instructed to keep everything professional, which further makes JBL's actions seem deplorable.

 

Again, the odds of JBL receiving a major punishment are unlikely - he may not receive anything more than a slap on the wrist. But, the claims that WWE is "laughing off" the situation due to JBL's relationship with Vince are wholly without merit. This is a serious issue behind closed doors.

 

As for JBL's side of the story, there are conflicting reports going around. Virtually everyone has sought a motive in the fact that JBL and Meanie have past heat; JBL, however, reportedly made the claim that he didn't throw the first punch. It's not known if there's anything to his story, but JBL has apparently responded to the allegations with a provocation defense."

 

Call me crazy, but somehow I think I might be siding with Blue Meanie here. Despite the above's claims that JBL is the "victim". Holy shit, that's like blaming Robin Givens for running into Mike Tyson's fucking fists. But on a lighter note, Meanie is right, chicks do dig scars. And they fucking better in his case, because when your girlfriend is best known for setting the world record for most consecutive cocks in a row, I'm thinking she's doesn't exactly have the right to be too judgmental of you....

 

In any event, I find it funny that for a guy who claims that he doesn't care about the Internet (JBL), he sure got pissed off enough about someone talking about him on it. And you know what? Proving you're "not really a bully" by decking someone in the grill, probably isn't the best way to prove your point. In fact, it's actually the equivalent of saying to someone accusing you of racism: "I am NOT a racist, Nigger!". So, with that said, here’s a tip for JBL; If you don't want things appearing on the internet that reflect badly on your character, STOP BEING A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Call it preventive douchebaggery. You'll be surprised just how well people start to think of you when you're not a complete fucking tool.

 

Anyway, once this story broke, net writers and people on message boards across the web who demand respect despite calling themselves things like ASTEROID BOY, began insisting that JBL be fired from the WWE.  Not going to happen, folks. And as much as the thought of Bradshaw having to find gainful employment in another industry where he could no longer soap people's asses in the shower, or force new talent to participate in some asinine "Wrestler's court" would be hilarious (Bradshaw could very easily transition into the fast food industry, where his apparent skills at handing out big old potatoes can be more appreciated), it just ain't gonna happen in our life time. WWE has invested too much time and money into Bradshaw to do anything that drastic. And besides, if the guy got the fucking WWE Title after causing a near international incident last year, I doubt punching one pudgy little Indy guy in the face is going to start a fucking WWE revolution. Hell, JBL could have goose stepped with Meanie under his arm in Israel, then thrown him into an oven, and made a lamp shade out of his cut-offs, and WWE STILL wouldn't bat a fucking eye.

 

It's just the way of the world. The "haves" get all the breaks, and the "have nots" just have to accept it,  wear half shirts, and pretend their girlfriend's loveholes haven't been filled with enough strange DNA to repopulate the earth a billion times over. That's why guys like O.J. Simpson can continue to work in a game of golf in between beating the shit out of his current girlfriend, and Michael Jackson can still have sleepovers, while having 5 year olds wear pirate costumes and playing a spirited game of "pin the penis on the asshole.". Sometimes in life there is no justice. Unless you choose to seek it yourself. Where is the Angelic Diablo Matt Hardy when you need him!? Someone shine the MATT SYMBOL onto his computer screen~! He's needed!

 

GET THIS MAN SOME ADVIL!

Courtesy of PWInsider:

"The word is Tommy Dreamer is suffering from an ear injury, but this was not caused by the flaming table spot, but instead was probably caused by a headshot. Dreamer has had some problems hearing since the PPV."

 

For whatever reason, I found this kind of funny. All day since reading that, I got the visual of Tommy Dreamer looking like Anakin Skywalker crawling out of the pit in Mustafar, and going up to a Pharmacist while charred body parts fell off, saying : "Do you have any Aspirin?...my EAR is just killing me!"   Man, dude went through a fucking flaming table and SURVIVES, yet all he gets a little water on the ear. I must be hardcore then, because I'm as bloated as shit and have no equilibrium either. Where's my ECW Title reign?

 

But still, you do kind of have to laugh at the irony that perhaps Tommy Dreamer is like a modern day Achilles; you know, where he is totally invincible except for one small vulnerability. Fire can't kill Tommy Dreamer...but he can be done in by a case of athlete's foot. Falling 30 feet onto cement has no effect on this man, yet he has an inability to consume dairy without some lactaid on hand.  I could go on (but I won't...lucky you.).

 

All kidding aside, get better Tommy. You're THE MAN. You helped make that show for me. Oh, but next time you're going to be SMASHED THROUGH A GASOLINE  COVERED TABLE, be sure to wear some ear-muffs. Might save you some unneeded pain! Ahem.

 

OH BABY.

 

Courtesy of PWInsider:

 

"Before the action got underway at ECW One Night Stand this past Sunday, there was nearly action backstage with Francine and Dawn Marie said to be involved in a near altercation. Dawn Marie believes Francine blew her off upon entering the arena, which she found very patronizing as she is now a WWE star while Francine was an outsider.

 

Francine had the following to say to PWInsider.com: “This did not happen that way. Dawn came over to me and said “Hi”. I extended my hand to her and we shook hands. I then said “How are you?” She said, “I see you are as pleasant as ever”, rolled her eyes and walked away. I just ignored her comments. If she called me a b***h, I didn’t hear it. I didn’t disrespect her in any way and I did shake her hand. We are not the best of friends but I shook her hand because it was the right thing to do. Whoever told the story is lying to make me look bad. There were people standing with me that saw me shake her hand.”

 

Many feel there would have been a physical altercation between the pair had Dawn Marie not been pregnant. Another thing which is likely to have upset Marie is that Francine ironically took her spot at the end of the show when she was involved in a cat fight with Beulah, who she apparently has heat with stemming back from their ECW days."

 

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be in “heat” with these women, than have heat with them. But I’m sick like that. And yes, that may also include a very pregnant Dawn Marie, who was only outdone in the potbelly department last Sunday by the Sandman, who is either the biggest alcoholic in wrestling history, or a miracle of modern science!

 

I could further go into some rambling soliloquy on the above Francine/Dawn topic, but really, who cares? What in the world could they be jealous of each other about? All three had the same exact fucking act. You know, roll around, get piledrived by Tommy Dreamer, etc. Now, I could talk about how I'd mark out if the two rolled around in a cat fight, only for Dawn's placenta to come spilling out, but you know, I’d much rather talk about whether I’d have sex with Dawn Marie, for which I’ve given a great deal of thought. And the answer is indeed “yes”, I would. After all, at least with a pregnant woman, there is no mystery. You already know for a fact that they put out. So, my thinking is this: Just because she has a “bun in the oven” doesn’t mean there ain’t room for a “hotdog” too....

 

And yes, my friends, I actually had nothing constructive or witty to say on this story, and this is all I could come up with. I was originally going to talk about how hard it would be for Dawn to deliver Al Wilson jr., bifocals and all, but I thought better of it. Thank God.

 

BETWEEN A BROCK AND HARD PLACE.

 

The latest court fun with everyone’s favorite Football tackling dummy:

Courtesy of...you guessed it….PWInsider.com:

 

Brock Lesnar's attorneys filed a memorandum opposing World Wrestling Entertainment's motion to extend the court's time before issuing a summary judgment in Lesnar's lawsuit against them on 6-9-05. The WWE motioned that they needed more time for discovery on a number of claims.

Lesnar’s lawyers have agreed to grant the WWE 20 days for discovery, but do not want an extension issued regarding when the court will issue a summary judgment.

Am I the only one who pictures Brock showing up to court in his wrestling gear, wearing a football helmet, all while making a grand entrance by parachuting out of his umm,  “Here Comes the Plane”? Also, am I the only one kinda baked while I write this? Umm, probably….

 

Anyway, apparently one of the big contentions in this case is over whether or not Lesnar breached his release agreement when he showed up on a New Japan show. And of course, his people will argue that the agreement (that he willingly signed) is unfair. And it all stems on whether or not Brock’s lawyers can actually prove to the court  that he has grounds that the release that he (once again willingly) signed, is hindering him from making a fair living. HERE COMES THE PLAINTIFF.

 

I personally think the best course of action would be to bring in his girlfriend, Sable, as a sympathetic witness. I mean, sure it wouldn’t change shit as far as the case goes, but who wouldn’t feel sorry for a guy with a girlfriend that old? (who likely disintegrates into a fine particle mist upon contact.) So, come on Brock, use the old George Costanza “Andrea Dorea” defense; it worked for George, and it can work for you too! 

 

Brock: “In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a tall, stocky, slow-witted, muscle-bound man.”

 

NO SHIT YOU SAY?

 

Former  WWE “Diva”… and Randy Orton turd recipient (or so we thought) Rochelle Loewen was recently interviewed at The Voice of Wrestling to discuss her short stint in the company, and shed some light on the alleged fecal habits of the Legend Killer.  Here is the gist of that interview courtesy once again of PWInsider.com, with my (stupid) comments thrown in in-between…


"Backstage resentment toward the women with no history in wrestling and little to no product knowledge prior to coming in was felt quite often by Rochelle Loewen. However, it was the other women in the back that typically showed their displeasure, not the men. "For me to just come on in and not do the diva search," Loewen explained, "there was a little animosity, I suppose. I don't think the men really cared."

 

Hmm, so, the other Divas are upset over Rochelle Loewan just moseying into the WWE, all without ever having to “pay her dues”?…You know, GRUELING dues, like sitting in pies, mashing ice cream into their tits, and tweaking Kamala’s nipples like the rest of the crew. And you know what? I AGREE. It IS insulting that Rochelle actually had the NERVE and AUDACITY to just walk off the street while VETERANS like Maria, Candice and Joy had to BUST their asses week in and week out.... by doing absolutely nothing of note. Is there no justice?!...

"This left very little reasoning for the incident between Loewen and Randy Orton. Although Rochelle does say Orton vandalized her belongings, the extreme version found on the 'net is not true. "It was just merely self-tanning lotion and baby oil," Rochelle revealed what she found in her bag, "but I wouldn't put it past him to s***t in my bag". The story behind what led to this and Loewen's comments about the "true" Randy Orton are what got very interesting. "

 

Meh. I liked the version where he shits in the bag a lot better. What is this fucking summer camp in the 1960’s? Did Orton short-sheet her bed and fly her underwear up a flag pole, too?

 

However, I’d wonder about that “tanning lotion” though…. Hey, just saying. And hey, if you mysteriously find yourself pregnant after putting on some of the panties in that bag, don’t say I didn’t warn you…..

"Loewen claims Orton had a vendetta against her the entire time she was with the company speculating it was due to the fact she didn't know his name. "Prior to being with the WWE," she said, "I didn't aim to go and work for the WWE. WWE came and asked me to work for them. In lieu of that, I wasn't a big fan and I didn't know a lot about wrestling". Despite being a fan now and loving the business, Rochelle wasn't familiar with everyone's name at first and when she met Orton, she told him he looked familiar. He agreed and asked her where he knew her from. "Are you from Canada," she responded. After looking her up and down, Orton (according to Loewen) said before storming off, "I hate Canada and I hate you!"

Dude...How could you hate Canada? We're the one's that pretty much forced your premature babyface turn at last year's Summer Slam, and caused about a half year's worth of really bad force-fed angles that never worked with you and Triple H, and ended up halting your Title run and pushing you back into the mid-card. On second thought, ya, hate Canada all you want....

"Wow...welcome to bazoogaville," Rochelle thought after the confrontation with Orton, "what kind of person behaves like that?" Later that day, Loewen claims Orton did more things that were "inappropriate and verbally abusive", but didn't explain what they were, just that she didn't really pay any attention to them. "Near the end of the day, I was doing a pre-tape with Mr. Bischoff," she continues, "and it took us about an hour or two. Then I went back to the changing room and all of my belongings...my very, very nice belongings...had been totally destroyed by Randy Orton who had snuck into the female changing room". The lotion and baby oil had been smeared all over her belongings.

 

OH NO~! Not NICE belongings! THAT'S THE WORST! Damn you, Randy! A prank immediately ceases to be funny when obscenely and ridiculously overpriced women's clothing is RUINED.

 

Oh, and by the way, maybe if it takes you TWO HOURS to film a 30 second backstage vignette with Eric Bischoff, you just might be in the wrong profession....

According to Rochelle, it wouldn't have mattered if it was "Wal-Mart crap" in the bag or stuff from Salvation Army, it would have still been horrible. A somewhat funny story as she was leaving...she ran into Johnny Ace who very excitedly asked how her first day was with the WWE. "I was like, 'you want the honest truth, or do you want me to lie' and he's like 'honestly'," she laughs, "I said 'well basically, it was horrible, I won't even be compensated enough from today's work to cover the damages rendered to my personal belongings'". Johnny even assumed it was Orton. "It was no secret that he had a hard-on for me".

 

HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF WALMART! Didn't you know that Wal-Mart stores are stocked with the latest products, and fun, info-packed events? AND WHERE I ASK YOU, IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO GET HUGE MASON JARS FILLED WITH PICKLES FOR UNDER 3 DOLLARS? Hmmmm? You should be ashamed of yourself, Ms. Loewan. Right now, somewhere, there's an 80 year old man out there who hands out carts and multi-colored Anti-theft stickers, and he's CRYING at your callous insensitivity, Rochelle. Good going.

 

And as for the John Laurenitis "hard-on" comment: Be gentle with him. You have to remember he had to go down on Mrs. Baba for YEARS, just to keep his position in All-Japan. Can you really blame the man, if he lusted after a woman for once, who wasn't likely ruined by the strange, disproportioned genitalia of one Shoei "Giant" Baba?

"The reason Randy Orton did what he did had nothing to do with the competition," she disclaimed, "his behavior had everything to do with how pathetic this person is, how psycho he is, and how his mentality is completely off-key with what normal mentalities should be. Maybe momma wasn't nice to him when he was a little boy or dropped him on his head too many times. He had some real issues with beautiful women," she said, "I don't know what they are, but he definitely does."

 

Yes, he does have a problem with "beautiful women"... he doesn't like it when they don't have sex with him. Open and shut case, me thinks. As for his mama dropping him on his head, I beg to differ. There's is NO WAY that Cowboy Bob, a consummate professional in the ring, would marry a woman who didn't possess the same uncanny timing and near perfect workrate as him.  Bob is a TECHNICIAN in the ring, and I'd expect that same pride and craftsmanship from Mrs. Orton on the change table. Even if changing was difficult because her broken arm never ever fucking heals.

According to Loewen, Orton's infatuation with her turned to jealousy when she moved to Smackdown! "I became very good friends with Mark Jindrak who is Randy Orton's best friend," she told the hosts, "and I would travel with Mark and Rey [Mysterio] and I'm sure that ate Randy alive. In fact, Randy wouldn't even talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection of perfection, for a while because of that". To squash any rumors this could potentially start, the hosts confirmed she wasn't interested in Jindrak. "I really got along with him," she responded, "I thought he was a great guy, same with Mysterio".

 

"In fact, Randy wouldn't even talk to Mark Jindrak, the reflection of perfection, for a while because of that". Huh. Maybe it's because you refer to him as "the reflection of perfection." Just saying. But at least, she quashed the rumors immediately about being interested in Jindrak. Although, I don't see why. Did you know he has an AMAZING vertical leap? The man can actually leap in the air...a good 5 feet, and KICK ANOTHER MAN RIGHT IN HIS FACE! What more could you want in a potential mate?! Charisma? Any sort of appeal whatsoever? What's wrong with you.

"Ending the discussion on Randy Orton, Loewen ended with some fairly strong words:

He's an animal...he's an absolute animal. What kind of man acts like that when he likes a beautiful woman? This guy is just absolutely out to lunch..he's just retarded!"

 

No, he's not retarded. He just uses too many chinlocks when he wrestles. But ya, what kind of man acts like that when he likes a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? I agree, absolutely!  How about an UGLY woman, though? Surely you can harass them, right?!

 

In any event, I'm starting to think these two have A LOT more in common then they think, and I for one am SICKENED. (So much so, that I could  barely bring myself to masturbate repeatedly to this nude photo of her..... ).

 

Anyway, there is a moral to this story, folks. Rochelle, if you EVER want to be gainfully employed in the world of professional wrestling, either start wearing your gear to the arena, or learn to buy your carryall or gym bag from the same dude who makes Scott Steiner’s hats. And Randy, learn to jump a little bit higher with your dropkick. If you could add a good 4-6 inches to your leap, I’m convinced she’d have put out.

 

THE MATT HARDY SHOW!

 

Finally, the day all overweight Emos and other social misfits have been waiting for has arrived! So, stop making your shitty message board sigs made with pictures of Matt photoshopped holding your pudgy hand, and rejoice! For The Matt Hardy Show is FINALLY here… and ready to lift you (well, actually, that’d be physically impossible) from your rut, as Matt Hardy apparently takes you inside his world of Mattitude …and quasi-psychotic vigilantism!

 

Anyway, Matt has apparently put up a preview of the “reality” show that chronicles the day to day life of Matt Hardy, his family and friends. Here’s what awaits us:

 

Well, first, he uses Lita’s Divas poster for target practice as he unloads clip after clip into the extreme diva’s glossy forehead. And surprisingly, Lita poster somewhat holds the same level of promo ability and charisma as the real thing, and blows not nearly as many spots. (spots, that is, and not Canadians). And from there (as if committing poster homicide wasn’t enough), he proceeds to finish off Lita poster by crushing it beneath the wheels of his car. But still, there’s MORE. Cameos include Brother Jeff, who we see get pelted with eggs! And he no sells said projectiles! Of course, one could argue that having a viscous liquid roll down his back is a regular matter of course for Jeff, but I won’t because that would be WRONG. And finally, we see several images of “Lori”, apparently a female friend of Matt’s, who more than fills Lita’s (extremely HUGE) void if you ask me. But answer me this! Can she moonsault? And if so, can she land with pinpoint accuracy onto an erect penis? I may have my own selfish reasons for asking this.

 

Anyway, I think I may have to watch and LOVE this reality show, and you should, too. And sure, nobody gets voted off an Island, or even gets a job mopping up after The Donald, …but Jeff Hardy GETS PELTED WITH EGGS. What more could you want? Rocks? Maybe.

 

Click here for the preview: www.thematthardyshow.com/intro/.

 

BAD NEWS FOR SHOPLIFTERS.

 

From the "where are they now" file, this just struck me funny:  

Remember Bad News Brown? The man who once gave Randy Savage A LOT of headaches over the WWF title in late 1988, after accusing Elizabeth of protecting Savage’s title reign by sleeping with Jack Tunney? As if that'd ever work. There's never been one documented account of someone fucking someone in a position of authority that ever led to career opportunities in this company. Not ever.

 

Well, that all said, maybe it was Bad News himself who should have done “favors” for the late WWF President, because today he’s traded in his trademark black glove and black trunks for a walkie-talkie and a telescopic nightstick, as a Mall Security Guard! These days, unfortunately the only "ghetto blasters" he’s on the look out for, are the one’s scofflaws try to walk off with unpaid for from the Radio Shack. And God have mercy on those spineless cockroaches and yellow belly sharecroppers who DARE loiter by the Laura Secord stand, or not responsibly dump the contents of their food-court tray into the designated trash receptacle. If they're not careful, they could get kicked in the back of the head when they least expect it. If those painfully tight & unflattering police pants allow that kind of flexibility.

 

If there's one thing I’ve learned in my travels, it’s that you just don’t trust Bad News Brown. Even if he does have a nifty faux police hat, and a series of keys to the handicap shitter. I think it's great though, that he's found a new career. I just wait on the day however when he retires and gets his gold watch, and an angry Bret Hart suddenly grabs it from him and throws it on the ground so it shatters. It'll be sad.

 

Matt Hardy, Back On The Market!

For those of us who have been following the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge situation, we all know Matt isn’t exactly taking things that well. And who can’t relate? All of us at one time or another have had a woman put the screws to us, so much so, that just like Matt, the only comfort we can find seemingly is in the unforgiving world of gun-toting vigilantism. Ok, maybe not.

Anyway, it’s time to turn that frown upside down, mister, and get back on that horse! (not Lita).

So, with that said, I’ve taken it upon myself to get that ball rolling and help you become that Sensei of Mattitude we all know and love! See, in my travels on the Internet, I came across a website sponsored by Esquire magazine (meh, don’t ask) called Brutally Honest Personals, where all the pretensions of regular dating are eliminated, in favor of: THE TRUTH.  See, *finally*, there’s a place where the woman of your dreams can await you, and all without having to deal with the rumors and secrets of your previous squeeze. With “Brutally Honest Personals” you’ll never have to wonder why people like Danny Doring always seem to buy Lita gag gifts like rain slickers and umbrellas, again. Because, you’ll know all their deepest darkest secrets AHEAD of time! So, never again will you scratch your head when you find a box of lucha masks marked "trophies".

But hey, I know what people are thinking; “He’s a professional wrestler, and avenger of wrongdoings! Surely he can get his OWN women, no problem!”  But I think I know better. While most people would put you on a pedestal, I know that you’re just a regular guy, and you put on your purple amoeba pajama pants one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. So, to spare you the trouble, I HAVE enrolled you at Brutally Honest Personals, myself!

Here’s is the Profile I submitted for one Matthew Moore Hardy. (When playing Trivia with George Costanza, his middle name is actually pronounced 'Moops'). As per their request, I filled it out as honestly as possible….

 

Name: Matthew Moore Hardy

Age: 30

From: Cameron, North Carolina.

Weight: 225 lbs.

Height: 6’2”

Sex: Sure, why not?

Hair: Some.

Eyes: Two.

Sense of humor: None.

Living Situation: Currently alive.

Length of last relationship: I think she was about 5’7”.

Children: Almost. I truthfully believed my now-Ex was carrying my child, but unfortunately that turned out to be the child of a seven foot demon who blackmailed her for sex in exchange for not killing me, and so he could carry on his evil legacy through offspring. (true story).

Religion: Mattitude.

Occupation: When I’m not wrestling, I hunt down those who do wrong to others and punish them accordingly.

Turn ons: Guns and ladders, but maybe not in that order.

Turn offs:  Overweight teenage girls (this one might get me in trouble ), mask wearing Mexicans (I have my reasons), FECES; long-haired Canadians with too many teeth who steal other people’s girlfriends, especially while their boyfriend was off rehabbing his knee and writing really cool new facts about himself, while that same FECES gets all the opportunities while I, he sits at home plotting my  his revenge.

Scars, birth marks etc: YES!!!! And it will become a symbol!

Best pickup line: The scar will become a symbol and Matt Hardy will be that symbol because the physical Matt Hardy that you see in front of you will one day die, but the spiritual Matt Hardy will never die. I will not die. I will not die. Matt Hardy, the Angelic Diablo, will not die." -- (this usually starts working after they have about a half dozen Black Russians.).

Special talents or abilities: I’m really good at jumping off really high objects, yelling really loudly and unintelligibly whenever I climb things; and I make this hand gesture A LOT, which I’m surprised to hear pleases the ladies a great deal.

Looking for: I’m looking for a woman* who’s never been to Mexico (I have my reasons) and who would never have anything to do with a lousy Canadian, even if he had long blond hair and carried a strange brief case everywhere he went.

*Also, you must wear a thong, answer to the name “Amy”, and possess the ability to do full somersaults off high places.

Final words: Maybe you're just the MF'er I'm looking for! Let’s hook up. Just you and me, a table for two (that I promise I won’t smash you through) and a quiet evening listening to the many quirky facts about me. (we can talk about you later) Veeeeeeee Oneahhhhhh!

 

Well, there you go, brother- man. And, Matt, when you’re getting a little TLC (no pun intended) with one of these lovely ladies, you can thank me.

Sincerely,

Sean Carless
Ontario Chapter of MF'ers. (Actual Motherfuckers).

IF THEY MATED!

If you've ever watched the Conan O'Brien show, you might be familiar with a little something called "If they mated"... a skit, where they take two celebrity "couples" and see what would happen if they were to ever have children together. With that said, I thought it'd be interesting to take several "couples" in the WWE, splice their varying genetics together, and see what the fuck crawls out of our replicater....

 

Stacy Keibler and Test!

It's sad, I heard they were no longer a couple, but regardless, let's take a look into our crystal ball and see the fully grown offspring of the leggy Miss Keibler, and Test... who has some good qualities,too, I'm sure. Somewhere. Maybe...

Sweet Jesus! Where's fucking Chunk when you need him? This looks like Sloth's slightly hotter sister (if that makes any sense). Man, Test, what do they put in the water there in Toronto? Maybe "Test" is actually his last name and Nuclear is his first? Might explain a few fucking things.

...Still, she does seem to be really enjoying that sucker, though...

 

Torrie Wilson and Billy Kidman!

Ah, this is more like it. Two fresh faced All-American kids in love! Surely the offspring of a two-time Playboy Playmate has to be attractive, right?

Oh Dear Lord.... I think this dude taught me guitar in the 6th grade! What a chin though, eh? You could chop down a fucking sequoia with that thing! Surely, if Torrie ever gets this particular bun in the oven, the most humane thing to do is for Billy to lay Torrie down, and break out one of his "Chavo-killing" Shooting star presses...

 

Viscera and Lillian Garcia!

Ok, this will be interesting. I'm actually curious to see what happens when you combine the genetic make-up of one morbidly obese African American, with the sultry melodic voice of one Lillian Garcia...

Ladies and Gentleman: MISS ARETHA FRANKLIN!!!  Hey , you can't make these things up!

 

Edge and Lita!

Ok, certainly not a popular pairing, but an interesting one to say the least. Let us see what Lita has in store for the delivery room...

Holy shit! Truthfully, I was expecting something with about 200 hundred extra teeth that gets injured every two months or so, but this is SO MUCH WORSE. Who knew that the genetics of Edge and Lita would create a fucking Ozark Hillbilly?! I mean you just know "it's" captured a few stray hitch hikers in the hills for God knows what...  Still though, it does have great tits, I'll give it that...

Anyway, I think we can agree on one thing, Gene Snitsky's services may be needed again if only for the sake of our eyes, stomachs, and humanity as a whole.

 

Kurt Angle and Sharmell!

Ok, Ok, so their not "really" a couple, but it still hasn't stopped Kurt from lusting after Mrs. Booker T. in hopes of mounting her in the old "referee's position."

Anyway, let's see what happens when Kurt's Olympic boys swim, Sucka! 

 

WOW. Man, I think maybe Kurt should rethink his whole Sharmell obsession...

Who knew that these two would create a hybrid of Serena Williams and fucking Gallagher? It smashes water melons with a giant mallet, then gleefully eats the shards. I never meant that to sound so racist...

 Still though, I got to take my hat off to that sweet dreadlock/horse-shoe combo. It's like what Hulk Hogan would look like if he moved to Haiti and started selling pot for a living.

 

HHH and Stephanie!

Hey, for years we've all wondered when HHH and Stephanie would produce an heir to Vince's throne (despite what poor Shane and his wife may think), and we now may have the answer to that. The future of the WWE empire lays below...

Let us now find out what happens when you mix the most prominent features of both Triple H and Stephanie McMahon!:

....Hmmm, makes sense to me.

 

Ok, that's it for this edition, but before we go, let me show this picture of the aforementioned Stephanie McMahon, sent to me by Harry Simon. It is, without a doubt, the WORST picture I've ever seen taken of the woman. And I know some of you get upset when I make light of Big Steph, but I only do so because I care. It's kind of like how you try and protect your children when they're about to do something unwise or stupid. That, and I want to fuck her between the tits.  Unfortunately though, HHH's Cro-Magnon genetics seem to be somehow permeating this once delicate flower, and in turn, physically obliterating her, thus ruining this not-at-all-inappropriate and completely unrealistic fantasy for me. You know, it's as if Triple H is some sort of vampire, who instead of transforming his victims into creatures of the undead,  just turns them into scary looking dudes instead. Man. It just goes to show you, NO GOOD in ANY aspect of the wrestling business has ever came from allowing HHH to lay on top of you...

 

I’m Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).