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Back-Leg Frontkick: 07/20/05: In This Lazy Summer Edition, I Look At Matt Hardy: The Excellence Of Edgucution, Between A Brock and A Hard Place, Mr. Ass Is An Asshole, Vince McMahon In The White House, And Getting To Know The Potential Divas! All This, Plus Much More! Or Less! Whatever!

Hey there, Cowboy. And welcome to the Back-Leg Frontkick, the column that accepts you completely, despite all your flaws ...then laughs at you behind your back.

Anyway, first and foremost, this month is a busy one for North Americans (the one's that don't wear sombreros), as it was first long Holiday weekend of the Summer for both Canadians and their hostile neighbors to the south, America, with both "Canada Day" and of course  Independence Day. Now, with that said, I completely understand WHY Americans celebrate this day, as it was the moment they cast off the British forever and adopted their OWN identity. (And you know, the British MAY have fared a little better had they not worn those stupid fucking red coats...you know, that people could probably see coming for miles. I mean, why not just have them wear clown suits and do fucking backflips down the battlefield? It would probably be more subtle.).

However, we Canadians do not share this same luxury. In fact, I don't even know what the protocol is for this Holiday, or even what the fuck we're actually celebrating. And unlike Americans, we still have to suck at the time ravaged teat of the British Empire, call our lawyers "barristers" and "solicitors", with some people in our parliament actually still wearing powdered wigs, and then do doubt slapping each other in the face with a lone white glove so to declare their intentions for pistols at dawn. It's all tremendously gay, and archaic. Canada: Where it's 1760 Forever.

 And if that’s not bad enough, we still even have a representative of the Queen sitting in on said Parliament; because us, Gosh darn unruly Canadians can't be trusted to run our own government!! Who knows, we might just revolt~! Maple syrup will flow down the streets! We'll FORCE people to be polite and pick up their garbage... EVEN IF THEY DON'T WANT TO. Beavers will be everywhere! Trees will fall...then 2 will be replanted in their place seconds later! The word "about" will become obsolete! IT WILL BE ANARCHY.

In any event, this is why, unless it's Stanley Cup season, we Canadians don't have much to celebrate. We have no real discernable identity of our own. We're basically just the British, only with no accents, lumber-jackets, a decent pigment to our skin, and a full mouth of teeth. There's not much to be proud of....

OR IS THERE?

You see, there is one Canadian export that we can all truly rally behind (hopefully literally) and revere. That Canadian is....

 TRISH STRATUS. And the best part is, all her best parts were probably purchased right there in the United States, so it's like we share a bond! Your implants....our body! It truly is one hand washing the other! (for obvious reasons). So, fear not my fellow down-trodden Canadian friends; and rejoice in the true glory of Canada: Trish Stratus! Now there's a Beaver I could really get into!

 

Now that I've alienated a lot of people, let us move on....

HEADLINES!

COMPLETELY RANDOM NEWS!

If you follow this site (and how dare you not), you're more than likely familiar with this concept. I take random news headlines from reputable places like Wrestling Observer and PWInsider and destroy that journalistic integrity at the expense of some tasteless jokes and bad opinions. I'm silly like that.

 

MATT HARDY: WRESTLING (WITH HUGE) SHADOWS.

Are you sick of every single wrestling post you read online being about Matt Hardy? And tired because every single nuance and angle has already been covered ad-nauseum, to the point where you now feel like making the V.1 hand sign...just so you can plunge it into your brain... if only to finally stop the pain of having to EVER read anything more about it? Well, if the answer to this is "yes", I'm gonna go ahead and pretend you said "no", because here's the latest....

As we noted several days ago, Matt hardy was contacted by WWE several days before the RAW wedding angle. They asked him if he would wait it out several weeks before signing with TNA as they were interested in trying to work out an angle for a return. Sources indicate that fan reactions over the past several months have indicated to Vince McMahon that Hardy has the [potential to be something else and sell merchandise. The issue is that there are obviously emotional problems between the two.]

This places Hardy in a really good position as he's become a very talked about hot commodity who has his pick of the litter in the near future, even if WWE doesn't make him an offer to return. Hardy is at the point he can pretty much write his own ticket on the independents (where some promoters have claimed he is asking for $2,500-$3000 a shot), TNA, or even possibly Japan . If course, as it stands, there is also a distinct possibility he can head back into World Wrestling Entertainment (if they make him an offer) with an angle that fans are literally asking for weekly. In many ways, Hardy's current situation could be compared somewhat to Bret Hart's red hot momentum after the Montreal incident in November 1997, although WCW completely dropped the ball on that once Hart debuted for them. (PWinsider.com)

Haha. Right now, there's no doubt a lot of dudes out there sitting, much like I am, wiping the mustard from their fat faces onto their aged, shredded 1998 Austin T-shirts, yelling out "I knew it!", then taking full credit for "calling" that WWE airing Matt's entrance theme was proof of WWE's grandiose scheme to bring Matt back. We're such losers.

Anyway, I like the analogy that the Matt situation is akin to Bret Hart in 1997. Only with all the fucking guns Matt Hardy carries these days (he's making Punisher look like Ghandi in comparison), I'd be terrified to see how literally he'd take the Hitman character. Or am I? Maybe, just maybe, a stray bullet will hit a throng of Diva hopefuls, and save us A LOT of grief. I 'm willing to take that chance. Matt, how are you at handling a bazooka?

The downside though, would be WWE stating ad-nauseam that Matt Screwed Matt. If only that were true, though. He would have saved himself a lot of trouble! And unlike every time he pulled out of Lita, he wouldn't somehow find a strange crumpled lucha mask hanging from the end of his member. Chances are I just wanted to say that.

Anyway, the only difference between Bret & Matt, at this stage, is that Bret was an established long time main-eventer, and he had legs (well had legs...damn Canadian bicycles!), even long after the heat of that incident died down. Matt at this point doesn't have the same legs. Of course, no one's seen his legs because they've been housed in pajama pants for 6 years. But whatever. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.....

In any event, before I continue to ramble, here's a recent post Matt made about possibly returning to the WWE on his website, while likely shoeing a fat girl off the side of his house. The whole thing should be in her Sig by morning...

Greetings Amigos!

I hope this message finds everyone healthy and happy. Recently, it seems that alot of people are discussing several different possible scenarios in my future. There's a ton of speculation about everything concerning Matt Hardy these days--but I want all of my fans and supporters to know that I have always been honest with them. With that said, I have a hypothetical question for everyone. In a perfect world, where do you wish Matt Hardy would end up wrestling in the future and why? If you respond, put some time and thought into your answer--I look forward to seeing what everyone says. Until then...

And herein lies the conundrum. We all know that WWE fans have been clamoring for his return with the same intensity Lita does strange dick south of the border, but where does he go from there? I mean, there's always Kane, I suppose, but in my experience, feuding with Kane is where your career goes to die. It's true. It's probably how he continues to be immortal and impervious to pain. He sucks the very life essence out of anything he touches. I wonder if we could get him involved with the Diva hopefuls? Please?

The funny thing is, WWE's roster, like Lita's glorious huge titties, is really stacked on RAW now, and even if they got a program, it would likely play second fiddle to a myriad of boring manufactured programs that no one really gives two shits about (except WWE's imbecilic creative team.).  The fact is, things will probably be huge for about a month or so, then we'll just see A LOT of mixed tags with Edge/Lita Vs. Matt & Trish. And then Edge will then move onto the WWE Title, and Matt will end up in a midcard program no one cares about, or dry humped in the ring by Viscera. PAJAMAS VS. PAJAMAS. The World's Largest Love Machine vs. a man who's seen the World's Largest Lovehole. It's like the Sarlaac pit in Jedi! Only with more masked men inside! Ahem.

But hey, that's just the way of things. But still, at the end of that day, I still think the WWE is the best idea. Even a small window of mega fame and heat is better than none at all. The alternative is having a douchebag in a Green Lantern shirt grade your matches, or laying underneath the heaving body of Jeff Jarrett, with pieces of confetti guitar everywhere. WWE is definitely the right choice. And after that, he can hopefully maintain a spot on the uppercard, and live out his contract comfortably.  Hey, maybe a Canadian fucking your Girlfriend was the best thing to ever happen to you? (Ladies, did I mention I was Canadian?). After all, if Edge had not made a Money-in-sperm-bank deposit into Lita, you might have just been relegated to Sunday nights forever, ducking Tyson Tomko's big boot of DEATH. (Not that it would connect anyway). And that's a fate no man deserves! Especially a Avenger of wrongdoings (How about getting me money back on the Monday Night Wars DVD?).

So, there you have it. Clearly WWE is the best option for Matt, long term. Now, just pray that WWE creative doesn't ever take a look at your forum... and repackage you ala Mike Awesome, as Matt Hardy, The Fat Chick Thriller. I can just picture the sigs now.

 

SHOOTING FROM THE ASS.

Recently, WWE's former Mr. Ass and current TNA Outlaw (Where's a "Wanted: dead or alive" poster when you really need it?), Billy Gunn, appeared on the "Voice of wrestling" show and buried everyone from Triple H to Trish Stratus, the latter of whom he described as "a piece of shit" (BLASPHEMY!).

So, much like the way we dismantled Rochelle Loewan here, let us look at a few Billy Gunn quotes, and tear Monty Sopp a new "Mr. Asshole."

He's (Triple H) an evil person. When you're up there...everybody knows that he runs the show and if he doesn't like it, or he doesn't like you, he'll say one thing in front of you, but he'll turn right around and stab you right in the back".

Normally, I'd have jumped on this, saying "See, here's our proof!" Triple H is EVIL and he's holding people back! BLARRRGHHH!". But when it comes from Billy Gunn...a man who was more forced down your throat than a date with Kobe, it's kind of hard to take it too seriously. I mean, how many big pushes did Mr Ass get? And how can that possibly sound any less gay? Only Custom Chucky P truly knows for sure.

Besides, for all I goad Trips for being overexposed, he is still a GREAT wrestler, a decent promo man with great comedic timing, and a credible talent. Even if his natural inclination is to lay on top of more men than Paris Hilton.  Long before he was dropping the bald-headed champ into Steph's gorge, he'd have still deserved to be in the top of the card in WWE. Billy-boy can't say the same thing. Even after only "getting over" after being ALIGNED with that same HHH. If it wasn't for DX (in which he was easily the least entertaining member), he'd still be wearing a cowboy hat, sporting a 80's porn stache, shooting off cap guns in the ring, and having JR put him over by telling us that he went to college on a Rodeo scholarship. Seriously. That was the hard-sell. 

Dean of Rodeo Students: "I'm sorry, we'd accept you into this College, but your grades in "roping" are too low. Maybe if you up your GPA in cleaning up horse-shit behind the barn, and getting speared in the asshole by a bull while wearing a clown suit, we'll talk.. ".

But still, it gets better....

He continued by saying that he's not jealous of Triple H or the spot he's got, although he's heard that from people. "Nobody's got the spot he's got, because he's an ass-kisser and I was never that".

Billy's right. He's not as Ass kisser. Who has time for kissing ass when you're doing god knows what to one? Hey, your theme song CAN'T lie! See for yourself!

I love to love 'em
I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em
I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em
I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em
(me too, But I'd never admit it)
And I'm gonna kick 'em

'Cause I'm an Ass Man
Yeah, I'm an Ass man
Yes I'm an Ass man (OH!)
I'm an Ass Man

So many asses, so little time
Only a tight one, can stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, of every kind
(every kind?)
The best surprises always sneak up from behind
(I think Patterson has this on a shirt somewhere)

Hey! Billy is RIGHT. It doesn't say ANYWHERE in this list of ass-related activity that he kisses them. Score one for Credibilly!

Anyway from there:

"wrestling is fake. It's not real. Whether you win or lose, it's all how you present that in the end. I promise you, I've lost a lot of matches, but that's not what they remember. They just remember that they saw a hell of a match and they were entertained to no end, but they couldn't tell you who won.

Can you tell me when this entertaining match you had took place? Because I'd really like to watch it sometime....

 

And finally, after the aforementioned comment about Trish, he had this to say:

"What they have between them is what they have everywhere that you have chicks. You know, jockeying for position, one takes something wrong and the shit hits the fan and then it's on. You have a bunch of girls up in New York and I can't tell you [about] the bitching, bickering, everything..it's just a bunch of crap. It's just women in general. That's what they do when they have a bunch of other women around them that's kind of impeding on their territory, they start getting a little crazy".

TESTIFY! Man, women ARE crazy! I mean who could put up with that?! It almost makes a guy want to go out and saddle up with someone like Chuck Palumbo and get married, eh? Oh wait.

Ok, ok, so I didn't really offer A LOT of insight here, and just basically made a lot of jokes at Monty's expense. Sue me (but please don't, I have so very little.) .

GET YOUR ASPIRIN READY, BECAUSE HERE COMES THE PAIN!

Last time we left our friend Brock, he was pleading his case in court, trying to get out of the no-compete clause he hastily signed last year, just so he could accomplish his dream of never making the NFL. However, new events have surfaced, and it looks like the only pleading Brock is doing is on his hands and knees, as you'll see by the following....

The Bismarck Tribune has an interview up with Brock Lesnar where he says he hopes to get a second chance in WWE from Vince McMahon.Lesnar says he was not ready for WWE during his first run.

"I wasn't ready for what (McMahon) had put on my plate," Lesnar said. "I couldn't eat it all. I tried to, you know. That's just me being me. He asked me, 'Are you ready for this?' And I just said, 'Bring it on. Let's go.' I wasn't ready to be traveling 300 days a year," he said. "I wasn't ready for the money. I wasn't ready for the responsibilities. I wasn't ready to be a father. I wasn't ready to be a husband. I wasn't ready for a lot of things. I had a lot of growing up to do. I was forced to grow up."

 

Hey, he forgot the part where he regrets dating a woman (Sable, seen here) old enough to have babysat Noah. Not to mention as a result of dating Rena Mero, he's unable to urinate without painfully clutching his member and screaming out "Here comes the pain!" ( Could I make any more bad "Here comes the pain", puns? YOU BET I COULD!).

Anyway, there's really not anything I can add to this situation that I haven't said a million times before. Truthfully, I just wanted an excuse to use the picture you see to the above left.....

The Seventh Seal Has Been Broken....

Say it ain't so....

RAW scored a 4.4 rating last night, its highest number of the year. The highest rated segments of the show was the Diva Search II segment and the overrun featuring Hulk Hogan, both doing 4.7s. The lowest quarter hour was a 3.7.

Quick, someone check the guff and see if there are any souls left! Seriously though, who'd have thunk it? Who'd have EVER known that all we had to do to turn business around was to build the show around a manufactured, egotistical, bleached blond with NO BUSINESS being in a wrestling ring.....and the Diva search contestants. And speaking of which; how about that "Bikini Boot Camp", eh?... which I'm assuming is not standard military practice. Because if so, holy shit, no wonder this war is taking so long! Maybe teach those guys how to shoot, and maybe drop a few bombs! We'll be there forever if all those guys are doing is shimmying through a ball-pit in a Speedo! Ahem.

But  hey, whatever. I'm just sad Sarge didn't break out some custom moves for the Divas in their honor. The Camel-toe clutch, maybe? The Slaughter umm, Canyon? I don't know. But what I do know is, whether we like it or not, apparently the Hogan/ Divas connection is RATINGS, dude. Dropping legs and spreading legs. It's a winning combination! Bruther.

 

VINCE MCMAHON: THE PRESIDENTIAL REFORM~!:

A few months ago, I looked at the potential Presidential campaign of the Ultimate Warrior and what a Warrior-led America would possibly be like (borders divided by ROPES, baby. Who'd dare mess with Warrior there?) under his ULTIMATE leadership.  Well, now, it's time to look at *another* possible candidate to throw his name into this very ring: VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON. Who just might want to think about possibly changing that middle name if indeed he does get involved in politics. Or at least start wearing a bullet-proof vest under that hound's-tooth jacket. Trust me on that.

 

But seriously (only not really), whom better than Vince succeed George W. Bush as President? I mean, it's not like he can't also relate to being handed the reins by his father, and then subsequently running that vision into the ground through mismanagement and paranoia. Oh ya.

 

But what would be in store for the country itself, if McMahon was to be elected? Well, you know, besides obviously gobbling up Canada and the Mexico as new "states" then blaming it on them and their predatory practices. I actually have these answers. Below, is the listed Reforms one Vince McMahon would make to the country and its laws if in fact he was elected. Or maybe he'll just purchase the entire country for around 4 million dollars. It'll be all worth it, if only to see him publicly fire Dick Cheney by bizarrely spelling "Goonnee". I can't wait.

 

Here are the Reforms!:

 

-Cut off all relations to places like Japan, because the majority of the population is under six feet tall.

 

-Raises taxes 300% to pay for the 350 billion dollar Diva search.

 

-Changes the country's name to United States Entertainment.

 

-Hires the Bashams to head up the secret service. He's subsequently assassinated inside 10 minutes.

 

-Has Stephanie rewrite the constitution and Bill of rights and remove all continuity and add more jokes with “poop” and “asses”.

 

-Retools the military, replacing hand to hand combat and weapons with moves like the scissors-kick, while desperately hoping the enemy has the decency to stay bent over upward of 30 seconds so they can pull it off.

 

-Every female in his cabinet will go on a brief leave of absence then return with larger breasts then they previously had.

 

-Charges 40 dollars plus tax to hear the State of the Union Address. Subsequently schedules 15 addresses for 2006-2007.

 

-Attorney General Jerry Lawler has the national age of consent lowered to twelve or "whenever it is when they get boobs".

 

-“Inexplicably” plans nuclear missile testing for Nashville & Orlando.

 

-Has the United Nations officially disbanded when several of the other countries don’t say “Hello” to The Undertaker and shake his hand.

 

-Agrees to Canada’s terms over softwood, only to double cross them with the help of Earl Hebner and Shawn Michaels.

 

-Creates a controversial new economic system: “Thuganomics” where the money of small children and overweight teenaged girls “trickle down”…into his pockets.

 

-Declares war on both France and Quebec. Just because.

 

-Misunderstands the 2nd amendment, and changes it to the “Right to Bare Arms”, encouraging people to wear tear-away muscle shirts.

 

-Hires Jake Roberts to head up the new and approved D.E.A. Drugs subsequently disappear completely from the streets, only to later end up in Jake’s apartment, with his solemn vow to destroy them …eventually.

 

-At the behest of Jim Ross, Vince reinstates the Government Mule program.

 

 -Finally has the Twin Towers rebuilt…in the likenesses of Big Bossman and Akeem.

 

 

Sounds like a solid plan to me.

 

GETTING TO KNOW THE POTENTIAL DIVAS!!!!!!

 

Normally, this is where our friend Richard Waters would chime in with his weekly take on the vaunted WWE Divas Search. However, Richard is currently dealing with that hurricane causing all kinds of destruction down south (seen here in a TWF *exclusive*) and thus, I have decided in his stead to give my own personal synopsis of the contest as it stands. That way, at least you'll know more about the women you're so haphazardly masturbating to, all while hoping your significant other doesn't catch you in the act. Call it a public service! (Or brutally bad time filler. Either/or.).

First and foremost, we had our first elimination last week, when Alexis was voted off. She blamed her bad showing in the Bikini Boot Camp, while the rest of the world likely blamed it on the fact that she kind of looked like a transvestite. And hey, it could have happened! After all, this *is* a company that once had Mark Henry fellated by a man in drag, had an old woman impregnated (by the very same Mark Henry. Poor motherfucker), pushed Chyna as a sex symbol... despite her being more hung than half the locker room, and alluded to Kane fucking a corpse.  So, ya, it's possible. ENTERTAINMENT~!

Turns out though, that Alexis didn't secretly have a penis, and is in fact very much a woman. So, feel free to now toast your loads with a clear conscience! All kidding aside though, to Alexis' credit, she at least *tried* to portray a "character", even if it made no sense. (Pristine bitch to beer guzzling hillbilly in .25 seconds flat.).

Anyway, Alexis took her voting-off in stride, and has since moved on from the down and dirty world of pro-wrestling, to a much more dignified and high-brow world of.... stripping buck-assed naked in televised strip poker. Clearly she made the right choice.

Today, you'll find Alexis putting over her new gig at the National Lampoon site, and showing entirely more passion for the wrestling industry and raw charisma than she ever did on WWE camera. Strange. And oh ya, she even shows off her titties there, too! (see HERE). And I don't know about you, but in my ever-so-humble opinion, big bare cans > lingerie pillow fights. Call me crazy.

This past Monday was supposed to be a "trash talking" segment where the Diva hopefuls each tear into each other with the same ferocity in which Tammy Sytch currently obliterates a lumberjack breakfast, but sadly, thanks in part to SpikeTV censors, it didn't quite work out that way, thanks to last year's edition that will live in infamy for burning the lexicon "Cum-guzzling gutter slut" into our collective memories forever. However, this week, we were "treated" to this year's batch of hopefuls verbally accosting one another with cries of "You should be a Victoria's secret model!" and "You should be walking a run-way in Milan!". Oh, the Humanity! Way to deliver the death blow, girls.

In any event, the segment ran short (Thank the maker), and the only one to squeeze even an oodle of charisma out of their plastic body was Elisabeth, who came across very dry, without being campy in her insults towards Kristal and her "body painting".  Of course not that this really mattered. At the end of the day, WWE is going to market the person they *really* want to anyway, but still, hats off (and pants, too) to Elisabeth for now. I'd give you a courtesy clap, if I had both hands free.

Next up we have Kristal, the one African-American in the contest, and if you go by WWE's track record, she'll  be going the way of the dodo bird by month's end (unless she secretly marries Booker T..... which apparently is the only way a Sista gets to keep her job in this fucking place.).

Anyway, last week we learned that Kristal's "talent" was diving tits first into blue paint and rolling around on a giant piece of paper like the world's most retarded Kindergarten student; you know, before emerging from her "masterpiece" looking like  Papa Smurf blew his load on her chest. And to quote the Joker, "I don't know if it's art, but I like it." But still, what is it that compels these Divas to plunge themselves cunt first into pies, paint, ice cream and God knows what else? I try to get my girlfriend to drive her ass into various baked goods on a daily basis, but still, no dice. What's your secret, WWE? Am I using the wrong pie? I don't get it.

Anyhoo, I did a little digging (I can't believe I'm admitting this) and Kristal was actually one of the prize models on the Price is Right, uncovering European vacations and mopeds for heroes who just conquered the relentless beast that is PLINKO.... while simultaneously fending off the time-ravaged hands of Bob Barker who cups your ass while dispensing advice about having your dogs and cats nuts snipped off. It was a crazy, crazy scene, man. But with that in mind, if Kristal gets the Ol' Heave-Ho, I INSIST that it's done while this music plays in the foreground.

Leyla of course made waves for her "nip-slip" on RAW while running the course in Bikini Boot Camp. Upon closer inspection, we learned that this COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS AND NOT PRE-PLANNED EXPOSURE was not exposure at all, as Leyla was wearing red stickers over her nipples the entire time. Huh. Can't really blame her there.  I know whenever I run an obstacle course, I always make sure to paste red stickers to my genitals just in case my pants come flying off in the throws of a grueling potato sack race. Sometimes you just can't be too careful.

Anyway, faux nipple-slipples aside, Leyla has as much charisma as a sack of potatoes. But still, once she shook her ass, I forgot that I usually go for women with a modicum of intelligence and class. That is why guys are the most shallow, brainless fucks on the planet. But don't blame us. You don't think badly of a mongoloid when he eats a glue-stick or sticks his finger in the light socket, right? Because he can't help it. That's just the way he is, right? And it's the same with us! You shouldn't get mad when we get mesmerized by a sweet, sweet ass. It's biology, baby! And you can't fight Science. :)

Ashley is our token skater chick, and if that holds any water, the same demographic that buys ridiculously inflatable John Cena knuckles, and wears pants baggy enough to smuggle over an entire Vietnamese Boat family, will FINALLY have THEIR VOICES HEARD.... all while secretly dreaming of a day where Skater Ashley does Oley's off their cocks. Good luck there, chief.

Anyway, apparently Ashley comes from a "wrestling family", but which family it is has yet to be revealed. I just hope for her sake it isn't the Von Erich's.....

Oh, and before I forget, she's also posed nude. She's clearly the frontrunner in this thing. And not just because Johnny Ace has *finally* found a woman whom will be impressed by his like totally rad Skate-boarding prowess.

 

Cameron, a tall drink of water from Florida (and I got the stirring stick to go with it), is apparently fluent in French! (I'd like to show her my umm "Eau face"). And if you ask me, that alone is reason enough to vote her off. (Just kidding).

Anyway, what Cameron really has going for her, is the fact that she alone is the ONLY Diva search contestant to have real tits. And the best part is, she doesn't seem to have a problem showing them off, as three separate appearances in Playboy will attest to. Did I mention that Cameron's profile also says she's a proponent of "wine tasting"? She better be careful, there's a few guys backstage that might just take advantage of that hobby! That ain't Alka-Seltzer!

It's Time! It's Time!... It's...SUMMER TIME!....... And hey, it's just a matter of time, just like Vader, before she'll end up with a jock stop over her face, too. Albeit for a disturbingly different reason. I can get behind that. Umm, a few times. At varying speeds.

 Until that day, though, I'll always have the memory of her tanking it on her ass after a high kick. (Unless that wasn't her...in that case.... never mind? I don't know.).

Anyway, in an attempt to familiarize you with Summer, I looked up her profile:

Summer was Miss July Hawaiian Tropic International 2005 who has been on the cover of DialD magazine. She has a psychology degree from LSU and was a competitive gymnast and cheerleader in college. Summer loves adventure and has been sky-diving, rock climbing and bungee jumping.

 

Heh. Sky-diving, rock climbing, bungee jumping, and now demeaning yourself on National TV by jumping rope in a bikini? Maybe she needs use that  fucking degree to check herself into a mental institution? "Hi, I'm Summer! I have a PHD in Molecular science, but my real passion is to do jumping jacks topless!".

And finally, we have Simona; voted off this past Monday, despite the fact that she has CONNECTIONS WITH SCOTT FUCKING BAIO. And if Chachi can't get your ass in the door and on the road to superstardom, than clearly it's hopeless.

 

Anyway, when not associating with "A-Listers" like Scott Baio and a clinically insane Gary Busey, she's making movies alongside Paris Hilton, where she no doubt beat off (not to be confused with her next career) stars like Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts to nab the plum role of "Flashing Girl" in the yet to be released Jason Mewes vehicle "Bottoms up". So, don't cry for Simona. She'll be just fine. Snoochie boochie, Simona Noochie.

Ok, that's it. I can't take this anymore. I'm done. Clearly, we're not any smarter now that we've gotten through this whole ordeal; in fact, I'll even wager that we're stupider as a result. But don't shoot the messenger, smart guy, I don't write this shit, I just report it.

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Ok, folks, that's it for this month. I'll be back soon; although, I'm making no promises. This Diva Search has made me lose the will to live. If WWE was smart they'd somehow get the U.S. government to drop videos of it over Iraq. We'd have unconditional surrender by morning. So, unless I throw myself on a grenade like those insurgents would be after watching "Bikini Boot Camp", I'll see you soon. Maybe. Probably not.

I’m Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).