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BACK-LEG FRONTKICK BY SEAN CARLESS: (01/29/07): INSANE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS BUFFOONERY IS BACK!...FOR ONE DAY ANYWAY! FEATURING: KURT ANGLE'S  PLUNGE INTO MADNESS, KENNY DYKSTRA TURNS LESBIAN, UNDERTAKER'S SECRET DAYS AS A MEMBER OF THE RIVERDALE GANG, FAN LAWS, FANGIRLS, ABYSS HAS GOT A GUN!, MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS FOR NEW ECW, AND A SPECIAL IN-COLUMN SATIRE: WWE'S OSCAR SEASON MOVIES! ALL THIS, PLUS MUCH MORE~! 
 
Hey there, Fuckies, and welcome back to the column that continues to be your number one source for completely infrequent wrestling comedy: The Back-Leg Frontkick! I am of course your party host, Sean Carless; the most celebrated real athlete in non-physical online wrestling journalism and a 3-time Fanny Award winner. The latter of which sounds like I'm cleaning up at the all ADAM gay porn awards. It's probably why I don't mention it that often....
 
Anyhoo, it's actually been about 6 months since I've updated this column, so like a absentee father in the ghetto, here I am to make you feel special for one day, before once again disappearing completely into the night. That's right.
 
A lot has happened in the last six months since I've been inactive.  HHH blew a quad (not the crippled, but hey, they need loving too!); Paul Heyman was released from his position as head writer of ECW, because let's face it, people who invented their own product obviously have no concept about it; Samoa Joe finally lost his undefeated streak, after somehow convincing the world one could remain undefeated after losing the title twice in triple-threat matches; The Spirit Squad was mailed back to Lousiville (I hope DX remembered to punch holes in the crate), bar Kenny, who like the recently signed Monty Brown, was victim to Stephanie & company's giant rolodex of ridiculous fake names, becoming Kenny Dykstra. Now all that's left is for Kenny to pull a Rocky Maivia and start referring to himself as The Dyke, and I'll be a happy camper. Imagine the possibilities! "The Dyke says know your role and spread your hole!". And I can only imagine the infinite number of possibilities with Pie. Hell, you could even have him awkwardly cross paths with the Rosie O'Donnell impersonator. The possibilities are endless!
 
And oh ya, Kurt Angle left WWE, moved onto TNA, and lost his mind. Don't believe me? Check this out. Who knew that when Kurt Angle said he wanted to put Jesus Christ in a ankle lock last year, that he was probably telling the truth? Poor Kurt has obviously gone completely insane. I'd say put a straight jacket on the guy, but I can just picture him consisting transitioning out of it back into an ankle lock. Seriously though (OK, not really) he's starting to really remind me of Iron Sheik. He just needs to grow a mustache and take up sodomy (although he never made it clear what hole he wanted to penetrate during his "bestiality" faze on Smackdown, so maybe he's already there?). I mean, he already has the bald head and the suplexes. He's all set. But regardless, none of it really bothers me. He's Kurt Angle, damn it. He can say whatever he wants. Whether it be knocking out Tito Ortiz, Randy Couture & Ken Shamrock at the same time with both arms and legs tied behind his back, or just saving the wrestling industry with an undefeated Big Show, while convincing Chris Sabin that true stardom lies ahead the moment he stops doing those silly flips, and instead patterns his life after Pigpen from the Peanuts cartoons. Kurt can do no wrong in my book. Unless it's writing, booking, business sense, and public credibility. Everything else? He's the fucking man.
 
 
OK then. Now that we're all caught up, and clearly, the above wasn't just an excuse to churn out a few jokes, we'll get into the meat of the column. Now, normally, I'd go into a slew of wrestling issues, news-bits and whatnot, but ...I don't want to? That's right. I'm tired of writing. If you want a detailed soliloquy of Sean Carlessy goodness you can check out my latest Satire, or my Blog. But for this edition of the BLFK, I think, like the last edition, I'll just look at a few smallish musings, peppered with my usual rambling stream of consciousness style, and fill the rest of the space with a slew of photoshops! Whoever said "Quality over Quantity" obviously never wanted to not come up with any new ideas and write a brand new column. Wait. That doesn't sound right. Never mind.
 
 
INTRODUCING : FAN LAWS!
 
Last Summer, I light-heartedly looked at the things Pro Wrestling taught me, and it got me to thinking. Pro Wrestling is chocked full of unofficial rules and scenarios that always seem to be in play, so why not make those rules official? So, much like Miller Lite's Man Laws, I have followed suit, and adapted a set of "rules" for what we expect in wrestling. Now here's where YOU come in. I eventually want to assemble as many as possible collectively on the site; so what I'd like for you to do, is to induct your own laws. The only criteria? They have to be actual scenarios that are predictable or commonplace in the sport of wrestling. Email me those here, and you'll be credited accordingly when they're assembled. But for now, I'll get the ball rolling. Here are the first of TWF's official "Fan Laws":
 
-Wearing jeans in a street fight obviously makes you that much more effective....
 
-Despite tag team wrestling being over 80 years old, your partner still doesn't realize that getting into the ring while you're being double-teamed is going to cause you more harm than good...
 
-When you're an evil authority figure in wrestling who appoints yourself a special referee, it's always more practical to try and count pinfalls rather than just say, ring the bell for a submission the first chance you get.
 
- In a no DQ match, chairs are relatively ineffective, but if they're used during a non-wrestling attack, THEY'RE DEVASTATING and potentially career ending.
 
-It's always a good idea to pantomime to the crowd or audibly yell out that you're going for your finisher. Your opponent still won't see it coming.
 
-If you're in a Royal Rumble, go ahead and just drop that guy you're press slamming in the middle of the ring. You have plenty of time to eliminate him later...
 
-It might be a good idea to check under that table during a contract signing....
 
-If you're big and muscley, and your opponent is fat, your night can't end until you pick him up and slam him.
 
- The women of wrestling are always inexplicably attracted to the company owners. Just because.
 
-The blond chick is more than likely going to win the Bikini contest.
 
-No worries, the winner of a Bra & Panties match will take her clothes off anyway, despite so feverishly avoiding just that for 5 minutes beforehand.
 
- Even if you get pinned in the Survivor Series, no worries, you're still undefeated.
 
-Losing your title twice in triple threat matches doesn't count as a loss on your record.
 
-When feuding with Undertaker or Kane, 1940's style gasoline canisters are always readily available under a ring.
 
-Getting hit with a move in a three way match may cause you to blackout on the arena floor for upwards of 5 -10 minutes at a time. You'll then wake up, and switch places with someone else who'll now take a nap.
 
-The Spanish Announce Team have never even thought of moving their commentators desk.
 
-Upon turning heel, you no longer possess any of your previous wrestling ability and are now much easier to defeat.
 
-If you're over seven feet tall, your limbs are best comparable to kitchen appliances.
 
-If you have issues with Teddy Long on Smackdown, best be ready to wrestle The Undertaker.
 
-Despite being dead, you obviously would have wanted the show to go on. Despite the fact this can never be verified.
 
-Diving off 15 foot ladders or going through flaming tables is SAFE, but executing a piledriver is CAREER THREATENING~! and thus is forbidden.
 
-Your first promo on TNA TV must include at least one slam against Vince McMahon and his company.
 
-Being drop toe-held into the ropes is more than enough damage to render you immobile enough for the impending 15 seconds before a swinging kick to the face.
 
- It might not be a good idea to duck when HHH throws you into the ropes.
 
-It's also equally stupid to catch a steel chair Rob Van Dam just threw to you.
 
-Your best bet for success in ECW is to have never wrestled there.
 
-Sound guys in the back always have your theme music pre-cued in the case you decide to make a completely spontaneous  and unexpected appearance/ run-in.
 
 
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID!
 
Just in case you couldn't guess, the clean-cut All-American lad in the above picture is actually a year book photo of one Mark Callaway, A.K.A. The Undertaker. Seconds after it was taken, he had a malt with Jughead and battled for the affections of Betty and Veronica. 
 
Anyway, I found the above shot online earlier today and was blown away. And sadly, it was just the photo, as the rest of the entry was cut off; so unfortunately we'll never know if he was indeed voted "Most likely to resuscitate himself countless times and possess super natural powers not just limited to lightning". And oh ya, whether the year book was 48 inches wide just to fit that fucking stupid description....
 
 All I know is, if I had to guess what Undertaker would look like as a teenager, it would NOT be the above pic. This is hardly the Big Dog of the "Yard" we see today. In fact, he looks like the only "yard" he's seen in are the ones he mows for his elderly neighbors free of charge because he's such a good boy. The only real tip-off that it is even the Undertaker is probably his head, which by looking at this picture, would  require leaning a step ladder up against the side of his skull just to give him a haircut. Poor guy.
 
Oh well. At least we now know why he got into Motorcycles and tattoos in the first place: Guys who look like Ron "Richie Cunningham" Howard aren't exactly the most intimidating dudes in the world. Although the motorcycle love does make a little more sense now. It'd be pretty hard to avoid interest when your best friend is the Fonz. Ehhhhhhhh.
 
Ah, I kid Undertaker. I'm one to talk. Somewhere out there lays a picture of yours truly in a 1994 Yearbook, immortalizing forever my futile quest to re-introduce a 90210-esque side burns and fucking pompadour combo to my high school..... And yes, I'm serious.
 
 
THE (FANGIRL) WRESTLING FAN TEST!
 
For the last year and a half there has been a debate online as to why John Cena suddenly started getting increasingly negative responses. Some had theories that it was his departure from his original harder edged rapper persona, while others stated it was on the account that the office pushed him down our throats ad nauseam. And while I believe that's probably the main reasons, I think there is another culprit. The nouveau female Wrestling Fan. Because let's face it, the last thing dudes want to hear is their woman swooning over another guy, and especially one who's stature you could never measure up to. In fact, they're painfully shallow reactions got so nauseating at times (coupled with the reactions of small children) that John Cena ultimately became a symbol of hatred just out of pure spite. And hey, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody. I for one would like to have sexy times with, and perhaps even and utilize a number of vegetables on the nether regions of Trish Stratus, but that does not have anything to do with why I'm watching wrestling. The thing is this, you're AT WRESTLING, and if you don't have a base enjoyment for the sport itself, you should probably just stay home and finger yourself to Orlando Bloom or some faggy assed Soap Opera hero. "Hijacking" wrestling, an escape from the humdrum stupidity of real life for many of us, is just not cool as a certain Caribbean gentleman of nonsensical flippery once proudly coined. After all, you wouldn't like it if I went on about wanting to have a tawdry three way with the mother and daughter from Gilmore Girls while you were trying to watch whether Rory was going to finally give it up. OK, I still do that anyway, but whatever. My point stands. I think.
 
 
Anyway, with that (tediously) said, we have on occasion had these fair-weather teenaged wrestling fans frequent our board, and just completely alienate themselves. Such a person was a young lady by the name of Frodo, who spammed the board with lovelorn for Mr. Cena and others, then acted surprised when it went over like a fart in a church amongst a board filled with the most sarcastic hateful fucks on the planet. How she came to our forum, and decided this was a place to air her teenage crushdom is beyond me. You'd think after reading the first joke about masturbation, or how Patterson uses Sylvan's asshole as his own personal amusement park, she (and others like her) would figure out that her justification that Cena and Orton are "THE BEST EVER!!!" solely because they're "hot" would go over as well as wearing an "All you need is Cock" T-shirt to a feminist rally. And the best part? She actually seriously asked if she could write for TWF. And hey, I'd LOVE it if a woman wrote here again, this place is a fucking sausage factory.  But to let this woman write for us, would be the equivalent of letting Dice Clay have a talk show on the fucking Oxygen channel. Anyway, that aside, I told young Frodo that she would indeed be hired provided she could pass a simple ten question Quiz. Sadly she got 0/10, and even sadder didn't ever figure out that the whole fucking thing was sarcastic. She then disappeared completely (The one ring is in effect!).
 
Anyway, here's the test. Feel free to take it. Normally, I'd give you the "answers", but if you don't know already, chances are you're probably hanging out in the  fucking shire lusting over John Cena with Frodo right now, and humiliating you would just be awkward (not this) for everybody.
 
TWF FANGIRL APPLICATION TEST!

1) I've seen the movie The Notebook more than once.

A) True.
B) False; I've seen it MANY times!!!!
C) I'd never watch the Notebook. I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

2) The WB Network was:

A) In touch with a demographic of intelligent free-thinking young women.
B) Is targeted at spoiled fat girls.
C) Is like the best station EVER!

3) The Spinner Belt needs to...

A) Stay around the waist of John Cena!
B) Be tossed into a deep abyss never to be seen again!
C) "B", but while Cena is still wearing it.

4) Randy Orton is all about:

A) Destiny!
B) Chinlocks.
C) Chinlocks, and maybe a dropkick. But mostly chinlocks.


5) When Matt Hardy said "it's US versus THEM" on his website in the Summer of 2005, he really meant:

A) I love my fans… and I stand by them!
B) Come on. There's gotta be one skinny chick on this board!
C) Suckers! Then went back to counting his secret WWE check, and having sex with his Fitness model girlfriends, never giving a 2nd thought about overweight emos again.

6) The Chain Gang is all about:

A) Representin', Yo!
B) The single worst group of people to do manual labor in prison imaginable.
C) Sticking a grubby paw in your pocket and stealing your money, because you're not a fan unless you own a glow stick!

7) Rey Mysterio is Awesome because...

A) He loves his wife and son!
B) Because he wears a mask... and women still love him!
C) Because I can pick him up and put him in my pocket.

8) I’ve made homemade forum banners featuring my favorite wrestler and perhaps his catchphrase!

A) True!
B) Not yet, but I plan to!
C) Custom Banners and sigs are gayer than Liberace crawling up Clay Aiken's asshole while having intercourse with Elton John.

9) If I had to be trapped on a Desert Island with one wrestler I’d want to be trapped with:

A) John Cena. At least no one would boo his ass there!
B) Randy Orton. And I’d try to get him to put down that imaginary giant beach ball he’s always hugging, and demand he wrap his arms around me instead!
C) Chris Benoit. For a no-nonsense time of catch as catch can chain wrestling, and submissions. And only that. Wrestling is serious business and there’s no room for crushes and other Femmy bullshit in that World!

And finally…

10) I'm somewhat excited at the prospect of being with another woman.

A) Eww, no. Lesbians are yucky!
B) Sometimes, and then I touch myself!
C) YES. And I'd like you to hold a camcorder while we do it.
D) B & C.
 
Haha. Oh well. The first woman who passes this test, not only gets instantly hired, but wins my hand in marriage. After all, I've desperately been seeking a woman who's just like me for YEARS. Sadly, though, there's just  not as many assholes out there as I thought...
 
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID!
 
 
Abyss' got a gun
Abyss' got a gun
His whole world came undone 
Once he lost his belt to Christian
What did his daddy do?
What table did he put you through?
They said when Abyss was arrested
they found him underneath his
chain
But man, he had it comin' now that Abyss' got a gun 
Sting ain't never gonna be the same
 
So, Abyss's big secret is he shot and murdered his father, and went to prison as a result? I can't imagine picking him out of that police line-up would have been too difficult....
 
 
My only question is why "shoot" someone when you have TRUE weapons like the blackhole slam and a big bag of thumbtacks (Worst Halloween ever!) at your disposal? Clearly, this kind of offense is applicable in everyday life. Pro wrestling could not have lied to me. I think I'll go and kick someone in the stomach and hope they stay bent over long enough for my scissors kick, just to prove my point.
 
SATIRE: WWE'S OSCAR-SEASON MOVIE RELEASES!
 
Oscar-season is fast approaching, so what better way to get in on the hoopla then to preview EVEN MORE WWE inspired feature films? And not just because it's a really easy update. Not even!
 
Anyway, after The Marine unfortunately was snubbed by the Academy this year, for LESSER films that didn't have Liquid metal terminators cum terrorists, kidnapped girlfriends, and mid-air flaming chokeslams, Vince was left without a pot to piss in come the night of the Oscars. So, to make it up to him, what we've done, is re-cast several highly touted films (and one or two terrible ones for the sake of a good joke...) for this Academy Award season, and given them a dose of WWE Attitude!... while no doubt cutting useless "filler" like "coherency", "continuity" and umm, "good story-telling" for more jokes about "poop"! ...because that's just hilarious~! No, seriously. Vince says it's hilarious.
 
Anyway, onto the Preview~!:
 
 

BORING- Cultural Learnings For Make Benefit Glorious Towers of Titan.

A clueless promoter from the backward nation of MakManstan, with a paranoia against wrestlers under 200 pounds, is hilariously dispatched to study the viewing habits of  Wrestling Fans in America....then reports the complete opposite anyway....

CHILDREN OF MEN...ON A MISSION.

In the not-so-distant future, men are unable to father children, and the world looks bleak. Until a lone fertile 500 pound man is discovered, who may hold they key to the world's salvation...if he could only give up dry humping or find his penis.

ALPHA MALE

The incredible true story of the convoluted kidnapping and eventual killing of Monty Brown by a gang of fledgling creative team members  drug dealers. But hey, he does get to shouldertackle Justin Timberlake, so there is a silver lining....

AMERICAN DREAMGIRLS

The story of three young songstresses big break and discovery by Dusty Rhodes; who takes the three singers to Pay Winda, only to be violently betrayed by the trio and injured, before ultimately returning for revenge in Mo' (Town) Games, the Match Beyond.

 

HAPPY EDUCATED FEET.

 

In the cold land of Stamford Antarctica, Rob Van Dam is born into a society of identical conformist superstars penguins, but immediately finds himself a misfit for his unorthodox style (which left a slew of penguins injured). Ultimately, through much hard work, trials and tribulations, he  earns the elders respect and admiration... before blowing it when he's arrested for swimming with Marijuana....

 

 

THE HILLS HAVE SILICONE 

Horror story in which several attractive young women are abducted by back stage officials mutants, and forced to undergo ridiculously overdone plastic surgery.

SHITTY WRITERS

Heartwarming tale of redemption starring Stephanie McMahon, who takes on a class of unwanted,  potentially dangerous students, and reforms them by teaching them the art of Television writing. They're then so traumatized by the event they completely turn over a new leaf....

SMOKIN' ACE

When obnoxious Stamford VP and snitch Johnny "Ace" Lauranaitis decides to release some half dozen talents, many of those same individuals all take up a bounty on his head and try to wish his "mortality well in all future endeavors".  Clearly, there are no losers here!

 STOMP THE YARD TARD

The story of a long road to acceptance for a perceived glorified backyard wrestler by his elders. A troubled Indy star from Chicago is able to bypass the Prison of Ohio Valley by enrolling in WWE University. His momentum is ultimately halted when he makes out with his girlfriend too much, and gets over too well with the campus, and as a result is forced to lose to an old bitter student that gets preferential treatment from the faculty just because he's been enrolled in school for 14 years straight. But boy can he dropkick!

 
ECW MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS!
 
Clearly, ECW isn't a happy place right now. First,  they were responsible for arguably the single worst PPV since King Mabel won the fucking King Of The Ring in 1995, then their head writer and concept creator Paul Heyman was sent packing. Then a good number of talent was released, despite the entire roster having a skeleton crew to start with. And finally, there was the worst travesty of all: Test getting a Main Event push.  The humanity! Anyway, what I'm getting at is, these boys, and (useless time wasting) girls obviously need some MOTIVATION! And that's where I come in. I have taken it upon myself to fashion 14 posters of ECW motivation! And by "motivation" I really mean stupid jokes. So, turn that frown upside down! Then turn it back downside up again after you read the following~! (some of which were actual poster write-ups, while others, umm, not so much...):

 
Well, that's it for this Bi-Annual edition of the Back-Leg Frontkick. I'll try to make sure its not as Bi next time, but I can't make any promises, because it's pretty sexually curious. In any event, be sure to check out the rest of the crew: James Walker, Derek Burgan, Joe MerrickCameron Burge, Gersh, Harry SimonJustin Shapiro, Anvil, BullfrogGonzo, and of course ME~! Plus, *everyone else* who's been too lazy to update lately! See y'all soon. But first...

....Your Moment of Zen!: (your check's in the mail, Jon)

Sadly, despite Teddy Long's best efforts, SmackDown's vaunted invisible doubles tennis tournament failed to ever catch on.

I'm Sean.

 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).