[WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN WHILST UNDER
THE INFLUENCE.] EXTREMELY DRUNK WRESTLING. Hey, I know I
said I was going to try and stray away from
wrestling here, but I honestly have
nothing else to talk about other than the death
of Anna Nicole Smith; so I'll instead talk about
something else, that like Anna, should be bagged
& tagged, because it's really starting to stink,
and that is ECW. And I never thought I'd say
that. Of course, I never thought I'd stop
wearing a ski mask when I went to pick up
chicks, but sometimes things change, and not for
the better. This can be said about ECW.
Not that we didn't see it coming. Anyway, here's
a revelation: I hadn't watched an entire episode
of ECW on Sci-fi since December 2 Dismember, a
night of wrestling so terrible I literally felt
like dismembering myself; but stopped short,
because Christmas was just a few short weeks
away, and it'd be kinda hard to open my really
awesome gifts with no appendages. Anyway, over
the last couple of weeks, I watched the odd
snippet of ECW on WWE.com's Hardcore Hangover,
and this past Tuesday, I decided to watch the
show for myself, but taking a page from Hardcore
Hangover, I opted to drink incredibly heavily
(as I have this evening as well) just to see
what kind of ridiculousness and absurdity I
could come up with, and if, through the miracle
of toxic alcohol poisoning, I could somehow
derive more pleasure out of this fucking show
whilst under the influence. It didn't work. But
I still jotted down notes. Some of which I sent
to our very own ECW recapper Gersh, who opted to
use some, while blatantly ignoring my more
insane ramblings. And here's the best part! I
didn't even remember writing the following
insanity until earlier today, when I emailed
Gersh again. So, HERE YOU GO YOU LUCKY PEOPLE.
Two days worth of worthless rambling
incoherencies, and a truly disturbing look into
the mind of a man dangerously intoxicated,
trying to grasp the abortion that has become
ECW. (No wonder Snitsky came here!). But be
warned, this is not a recap, because dear
God, I don't think I could have remembered a
single fucking account of this night in any
major detail. I was too busy trying to ward off
RVD who turned into the rabbit from fucking
Donny Darko at about 10:30 pm. Here we go: The
following is dedicated to the mammary of Anna
Nicole Smith. I hardly knew you. Well,
maybe I kinda knew you in a quasi-biblical
sense, due to a film of yours I once watched on
Skinemax, but whatever. R.I.P. I seek
comfort in the knowledge that you're now
reunited in Heaven with your true love, J.
Howard Marshall, for whom you obviously truly loved, despite him being worth billions but
looking like a 7-11 microwaved potato. You can't
put a price on love like that! OK, you can. But
it takes years of appeals to finally get
anything out of it. But hey, that's all for
naught, now. Death has a funny way of ending
your life. It's funny like that. We lose so many
people to death. It is indeed the Nation's
number one killer. Although, I had this theory
that Anna, like myself, had just watched a
completed episode of ECW, and her mind and body
just gave out and she died instantly. It's a
logical excuse. So, with that tediously said,
Goodbye, Anna. And I guess this also means
that your deal with Trimspa is off. Although, I
have no idea why. In about 2 weeks, I guarantee
you she'll weigh half her body weight. Them's
RESULTS right there. Trimspa for the win. TIME TO TALK
ABOUT WRESTLING~! Haha, you ever
want to see something ridiculous? Try putting
your TV on closed captioning (ECW-dubbed?) when
fucking Tazz is commentating. After about 5
minutes, my TV started to smoke then exploded. WE ARE LIVE
FROM THE EXTREME CAPITAL OF THE WORLD: OMAHA
NEBRASKA! Home of EXTREME... Corn. YES SIR. I
tried eating extreme corn once, and chipped my
tooth. The rest of the cobs then started
chanting YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU
FUCKED UP! Then they raped me. Ha, Vince
doesn't know what a cornhusker is. By this
logic, he must not know what a cocksucker
is. Maybe he should look in a mirror. Hey,
Vince is going to unleash a new breed on the
Originals. YES. A NEW BREED! PLEASE LET IT BE A
LIGER. PLEASE LET IT BE A LIGER. FUCK! It's Matt
Striker. -Hey! Matt Striker is the time keeper! An EVIL
timekeeper! This can't be fair. Wait. Why is
Striker being a timekeeper bad again? Oh
ya, he'll probably screw RVD by saying he only
wrestled like 5 minutes when he really wrestled
7! it'll be like the biggest screwjob ever. And
Canadians will lament over it for years. Oh, and
I think I know the real reason why Striker lost
his job as a Social Studies teacher. The faculty
kinda frowns on you not wearing pants with your
argyle sweater vest. I have no idea why
though. Tommy Dreamer LOSES! I can't say I saw that
coming! Poor Tommy. When was the last time he
won a match? And does he still call his Death
Valley Driver (Better never go to Death Valley!
Somebody will just randomly scoop you up on
their shoulders!) the "Spicoli Driver"?... which
ironically enough is also the nickname of the
guy who drives Sean Penn to the airport! Man,
there better be one guy out there who gets this
joke! -Hey, is it possible for Styles to not mention
Thorn's vampire lifestyle and fucking Bite Clubs
every time he comes out? We get it. The
fucking fangs gave it away. And speaking of Bite
Clubs, the first rule of Bite Club is you don't
talk about Bite Club. The second rule is no
Italian food. Obviously. That's also the real
reason why Tony Mamaluke was fired, and no one's
seen hide nor hair of Little Guido. Every time
they shared a locker room with Thorn, he'd burst
into flames. -Well, between Holly getting a push and now
Snitsky jumping over, how long before Scotty 2
Hotty ends up in ECW? Hell, he can either feud
with Balls Mahoney over obvious testicle envy,
or maybe be revealed as his "brother", and they
can form a team! (Ball Mahoney?) MAKE
IT HAPPEN. -Hey! There's
gonna be a four part look at the life of Bobby
Lashley on ECW over the next few weeks! We'll
get to see the true charisma of Bobby Lashley
shine through. Like the time his mom demanded he
clean up his room, and he responded with this
ultimate witticism: "You say that you're my Mom,
and I have to clean up my room. But I
say...you're a bastard." And it'll cut just as
deep as it did when he said it to Finlay~!
His charisma knows no bounds! (because it
doesn't exist!) I also can't
wait for the footage of the mad scientist sewing
the head of a seven year old boy onto his body.
It'll be so awesome. -Holy shit! I
thought Anakin Skywalker couldn't survive
without the suit! Oh it's Snitsky. Wow. Clean
shaven bald Snitsky is the most terrifying thing
ever. He looks like a 300 pound baby now. I
guess that means he's gonna get the sudden urge
to commit suicide.
-Did you know The Marquis De Cor Von was persecuted and eventually imprisoned in 1700's France for his sadomasochistic pornographic writings ? That and he'd run across town square and randomly shoulder tackle people. True story.
-Bah. Kelly Kelly's Extreme Expose in neither Extreme nor Exposes anything. And to think there was SO MUCH potential in an extreme stripper. Is it too much to have her, just as she's about to take her bra off, staple you in the forehead, or throw a bar stool at you, then spinkick it in your face when you catch it? Come on!
Hey it's RVD vs. Elijah Burke! I can't believe Burke outlasted Terkay. I think that is probably the first time people preferred the dark meat. Haha. TERKAY sounds like TURKEY. And he's in a Fowl mood. Good God, bring back TERKAY! I still have so much to give.
CRASH COURSE IN EDUCATED FEET! Hey, where does one go to get Educated Feet, anyway? I know my feet always had a thirst for knowledge. But unfortunately my parents couldn't afford the tuition. They just had enough to enroll my sister's hands in University. Oh well.
Burke wins! Man, poor Rob! I haven't seen this many consecutive jobs in a row since Jasmine St. Claire broke the gang bang record! Dear God, I'm hammered. Time to go to sleep. FOREVER.
I’m Sean.
And I'm
ashamed of what happened here. My family has no
idea how insane I am. This doesn't mean I'll
ever watch this show sober, though.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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