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[WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN WHILST UNDER THE INFLUENCE.]

EXTREMELY DRUNK WRESTLING.

Hey, I know I said I was going to try and stray away from wrestling here, but I honestly have nothing else to talk about other than the death of Anna Nicole Smith; so I'll instead talk about something else, that like Anna, should be bagged & tagged, because it's really starting to stink, and that is ECW. And I never thought I'd say that. Of course, I never thought I'd stop wearing a ski mask when I went to pick up chicks, but sometimes things change, and not for the better. This can be said about ECW. Not that we didn't see it coming. Anyway, here's a revelation: I hadn't watched an entire episode of ECW on Sci-fi since December 2 Dismember, a night of wrestling so terrible I literally felt like dismembering myself; but stopped short, because Christmas was just a few short weeks away, and it'd be kinda hard to open my really awesome gifts with no appendages.

Anyway, over the last couple of weeks, I watched the odd snippet of ECW on WWE.com's Hardcore Hangover, and this past Tuesday, I decided to watch the show for myself, but taking a page from Hardcore Hangover, I opted to drink incredibly heavily (as I have this evening as well) just to see what kind of ridiculousness and absurdity I could come up with, and if, through the miracle of toxic alcohol poisoning, I could somehow derive more pleasure out of this fucking show whilst under the influence. It didn't work. But I still jotted down notes. Some of which I sent to our very own ECW recapper Gersh, who opted to use some, while blatantly ignoring my more insane ramblings. And here's the best part! I didn't even remember writing the following insanity until earlier today, when I emailed Gersh again. So, HERE YOU GO YOU LUCKY PEOPLE. Two days worth of worthless rambling incoherencies, and a truly disturbing look into the mind of a man dangerously intoxicated, trying to grasp the abortion that has become ECW. (No wonder Snitsky came here!). But be warned, this is not a recap, because dear God, I don't think I could have remembered a single fucking account of this night in any major detail. I was too busy trying to ward off RVD who turned into the rabbit from fucking Donny Darko at about 10:30 pm. Here we go:

The following is dedicated to the mammary of Anna Nicole Smith. I hardly knew you. Well, maybe I kinda knew you in a quasi-biblical sense, due to a film of yours I once watched on Skinemax, but whatever. R.I.P. I seek comfort in the knowledge that you're now reunited in Heaven with your true love, J. Howard Marshall, for whom you obviously truly loved, despite him being worth billions but looking like a 7-11 microwaved potato. You can't put a price on love like that! OK, you can. But it takes years of appeals to finally get anything out of it. But hey, that's all for naught, now. Death has a funny way of ending your life. It's funny like that. We lose so many people to death. It is indeed the Nation's number one killer. Although, I had this theory that Anna, like myself, had just watched a completed episode of ECW, and her mind and body just gave out and she died instantly. It's a logical excuse. So, with that tediously said, Goodbye, Anna. And I guess this also means that your deal with Trimspa is off. Although, I have no idea why. In about 2 weeks, I guarantee you she'll weigh half her body weight. Them's RESULTS right there. Trimspa for the win.

TIME TO TALK ABOUT WRESTLING~!

Haha, you ever want to see something ridiculous? Try putting your TV on closed captioning (ECW-dubbed?) when fucking Tazz is commentating. After about 5 minutes, my TV started to smoke then exploded.

WE ARE LIVE FROM THE EXTREME CAPITAL OF THE WORLD: OMAHA NEBRASKA! Home of EXTREME... Corn. YES SIR. I tried eating extreme corn once, and chipped my tooth. The rest of the cobs then started chanting YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! Then they raped me.

Ha, Vince doesn't know what a cornhusker is. By this logic, he must not know what a cocksucker is. Maybe he should look in a mirror. Hey, Vince is going to unleash a new breed on the Originals. YES. A NEW BREED! PLEASE LET IT BE A LIGER. PLEASE LET IT BE A LIGER. FUCK! It's Matt Striker.

-Hey! Matt Striker is the time keeper! An EVIL timekeeper! This can't be fair. Wait. Why is Striker being a timekeeper bad again? Oh ya, he'll probably screw RVD by saying he only wrestled like 5 minutes when he really wrestled 7! it'll be like the biggest screwjob ever. And Canadians will lament over it for years. Oh, and I think I know the real reason why Striker lost his job as a Social Studies teacher. The faculty kinda frowns on you not wearing pants with your argyle sweater vest. I have no idea why though.

Tommy Dreamer LOSES! I can't say I saw that coming! Poor Tommy. When was the last time he won a match? And does he still call his Death Valley Driver (Better never go to Death Valley! Somebody will just randomly scoop you up on their shoulders!) the "Spicoli Driver"?... which ironically enough is also the nickname of the guy who drives Sean Penn to the airport! Man, there better be one guy out there who gets this joke!

-Hey, is it possible for Styles to not mention Thorn's vampire lifestyle and fucking Bite Clubs every time he comes out? We get it. The fucking fangs gave it away. And speaking of Bite Clubs, the first rule of Bite Club is you don't talk about Bite Club. The second rule is no Italian food. Obviously. That's also the real reason why Tony Mamaluke was fired, and no one's seen hide nor hair of Little Guido. Every time they shared a locker room with Thorn, he'd burst into flames.

-Well, between Holly getting a push and now Snitsky jumping over, how long before Scotty 2 Hotty ends up in ECW? Hell, he can either feud with Balls Mahoney over obvious testicle envy, or maybe be revealed as his "brother", and they can form a team! (Ball Mahoney?) MAKE IT HAPPEN.

-Hey! There's gonna be a four part look at the life of Bobby Lashley on ECW over the next few weeks! We'll get to see the true charisma of Bobby Lashley shine through. Like the time his mom demanded he clean up his room, and he responded with this ultimate witticism: "You say that you're my Mom, and I have to clean up my room. But I say...you're a bastard." And it'll cut just as deep as it did when he said it to Finlay~! His charisma knows no bounds! (because it doesn't exist!) I also can't wait for the footage of the mad scientist sewing the head of a seven year old boy onto his body. It'll be so awesome.

-Holy shit! I thought Anakin Skywalker couldn't survive without the suit! Oh it's Snitsky. Wow. Clean shaven bald Snitsky is the most terrifying thing ever. He looks like a 300 pound baby now. I guess that means he's gonna get the sudden urge to commit suicide.

-Did you know The Marquis De Cor Von was persecuted and eventually imprisoned in 1700's France for his sadomasochistic pornographic writings ? That and he'd run across town square and randomly shoulder tackle people. True story.

-Bah. Kelly Kelly's Extreme Expose in neither Extreme nor Exposes anything. And to think there was SO MUCH potential in an extreme stripper. Is it too much to have her, just as she's about to take her bra off, staple you in the forehead, or throw a bar stool at you, then spinkick it in your face when you catch it? Come on!

Hey it's RVD vs. Elijah Burke! I can't believe Burke outlasted Terkay. I think that is probably the first time people preferred the dark meat. Haha. TERKAY sounds like TURKEY. And he's in a Fowl mood. Good God, bring back TERKAY! I still have so much to give.

CRASH COURSE IN EDUCATED FEET! Hey, where does one go to get Educated Feet, anyway? I know my feet always had a thirst for knowledge. But unfortunately my parents couldn't afford the tuition. They just had enough to enroll my sister's hands in University. Oh well.

Burke wins! Man, poor Rob! I haven't seen this many consecutive jobs in a row since Jasmine St. Claire broke the gang bang record! Dear God, I'm hammered. Time to go to sleep. FOREVER.

I’m Sean.

And I'm ashamed of what happened here. My family has no idea how insane I am. This doesn't mean I'll ever watch this show sober, though.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).