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ECW: WITH ENOUGH VELOCITY
YOU CAN CREATE HEAT .
SEAN CARLESS'S INAPPROPRIATE LOOK AT ECW ON SCI-FI.
 
 
Hello ECW fans, (both of you) I am the obscenely reputable Sean Carless and this is your ECW on SCI-FI Report for 01/15/08. I am of course standing in this week for the deposed James Swift who has gone AWOL, and as such will not be penning the ECW Recaps for the next couple of weeks. What a shame, too. I mean, when is he ever going to get the chance to recap another CM Punk versus Chavo Guerrero match again? Oh.
 
We are LIVE from the Extreme Capital of the world, Birmingham Alabama! Well, if the "Extreme" you're after is racial intolerance and illiteracy! Ah, I kid. CUE THE SHITTY NON-ECW NU-METAL THEME and PYRO & BALLYHOO, and you think you know him? It's Edge. Dude might want to think about changing that sound-byte. At this stage, I know everyone he's put his dick into for the last 4 years, and the fact that JBL once washed his hands on his soapy ass. What else is there to know? You know what he allows you to know. Which apparently is everything.
 
It's now time for the CUTTING EDGE. Edge is happy to be right here in ECW! An ECW that looks a heck of a lot like Velocity!.. only you know, with really neat cartoon razor blade covered logos! (EXTREME!), girls dancing then wrestling terribly, and a Reality TV star as a Champion. But hey, out there right now, someone will raise me The Musketeer, Ulf Hermann and Justin Credible as World Champion to counter-attack. Touché.  Normally, I'd make a crack about Hat Guy still crying over the current state of his beloved 'Dub, but I'm pretty sure that he probably fashioned about 16 of his best Hawaiian shirts into a noose, and ended it all about a year ago. I can't say I blame him.
 
Edge shows footage of his beat-down of Rey Mysterio. "That is what happens when you mess with the Rated R Superstar!" says he, as I laugh to myself at the prospect of Rey Mysterio being labeled the "Rated G Superstar" because those are the only films his tragic height permits him to see. CM Punk then comes out. The fire still burns, so sayeth his theme song. A feeling I'm sure Edge's genitals are far too familiar with after life with his previous beau (Fuck you, I'm still making Lita jokes FOREVER, and no one is going to stop me.). Edge says that Punk reminds him of a "young Edge". What, Edge is like a fucking old hand out there? There's what, maybe a few years between these guys? Edge then asks who he's ever defended the ECW title against.  HOW DARE EDGE. Let's see him go out there weekly for fifteen minutes straight with guys who do jobs on Smackdown in one 8th that time, and then barely win. Umm, forget I said anything. CM Punk then says that unlike Edge, he has respect for his opponents. If I was Punker, I'd mention my definite superior curve in nailing top shelf pussy versus Edge's track record of taking his pal's awful sloppy seconds. But hey, that's just me. CM Punk then says that he could beat Edge because this ain't Smackdown. Umm, the lighting, the arena, the fans, and the tarp under the apron suggests otherwise, buddy. Well, either that, or WWE was nice enough to let the exact same fans you'll see this Friday sit in their exact same seats! I can see it! Anything can happen in the WWE! Just nothing you'd ever want or ask for.
 
Just then, Chavo Guerrero comes down to the ring. He demands ONE MORE match against Punk, who agrees. After all, it's Punk's lot in life to fight the exact same assholes forever. ECW is Groundhog Day. And right now, Punk (Punxsutawney Phil Brooks? CM Punxsutawney?) is driving his car off a cliff with a groundhog at the wheel just to end his pain. But no worries, he'll wake up tomorrow without a scratch and still fight Chavo again. That's how it works. Oh ya, Edge and Chavo beat Punk down and injure his shoulder. Why is no one saving Punk here? My theory is that his addiction to competition has alienated the rest of the locker room...
 
Kane: "Jesus Christ, No, I don't want to play Connect Four, Punk!"
Punk: "How about Twister, then?"
Kane: "NO!"
Punk: "Kerplunk?"
Kane: "Holy shit."
Punk: "Battleship? Come on! Battleship! That game rules!"
Kane: 'Leave me alone!"
Punk: "Jenga? Jenga! Ja-ja-Jenga? Come on! I need it! I have to have it! It hurts so badCOMPETITION!!!!!!! BLARRRGGGGHHHH!"
Kane: "You need help. You're an addict."
Punk: "*sniffle* I know."
 
After the break, we see Edge leaving the building. Which is carny code for he'll be back. It's true. It's a FAN LAW. If you're seen leaving the building or being escorted out, you'll be back in the last 5 minutes of the show. I don't make the rules. All he needed to further hammer the silly predictable wrestling clichés home is to be wheeling a giant birthday cake while he leaves, and demanding a non-physical contract signing for later tonight. Only you see, IT WILL BE PHYSICAL. Some things in wrestling never change. What can I say.
 
Miz & Morrison vs. The Highlanders: Non-title match.
 
Oh what a whore this brand extension is. She'll put out for anyone. And what ever happened to the Highlanders earned World tag team title shot on RAW? Man. If Cryme Tyme taught us anything (besides that people will actually buy some dude's half eaten steak and a retard's medication for discounted prices) it's that winning a "guaranteed Tag Team Title shot" is probably the worst thing that can happen to your career. It's akin to being one of the "previous winners" in the movie The Running Man.
 
Anyway, Rory and Robbie do their best out there, but Styles would apparently like to talk more about Moore Wang's spirited fifteen minute pewter man challenge last week with the Champs. Rory then takes it to the Miz and I'll be damned if Rory isn't growing fatter by the week here. Who knew Haggis was so high in calories? You'd think chasing terrified sheep through the Rollin' hills so you can make love to them would burn a ton of calories, but I guess I was wrong. Hot (lukewarm?) tag to Robbie, but he just gets tripped up and pinned (JOBBIE!) by Miz with the Reality Check. I think it used to be called something else in OVW with a connotation of the word "Miz" in it. All I know is, this guy is far too obsessed with his fucking stupid nickname. I mean, Mizfits? How about Mizery? WWE can start filming it now. A WWE Creative member's car crashes in a snowdrift and Mike Mizanin takes him to his cabin and nurses him back to health, eventually re-breaking his legs when he is unable to write a storyline where people actually give a shit about Miz. The movie ultimately ends in the writer's death, though, because try as he must, that story is impossible to write. Tell me I'm wrong.
 
Winners: M & M. They melt in your mouth. And in someone's hands. I mean, clearly Miz had to service somebody backstage to end up as a Champion.
 
Kofi Kingston is coming! I'm just sad that Booker T. is no longer here, because they'd make a great tag team. I mean, who couldn't get behind T & Kofi? They could call themselves the Hot Beverages! Hell, bring back Koko B. Ware for the ultimate Trifecta. It'd be awesome.
 
WWE SLAM OF THE WEEK: Me hitting my head repeatedly on my coffee table after the Mini-Rumble last night until I drew blood. Oh, and Lena whatsherface declaring herself the winner of a terrible un-sexy dance exhibition with Kelly Kelly and Jor-El's sister Layla last week. OH NO SHE DIN'NT. The shit is on now. Umm, literally. I heard, this is the same way Ed "Strangler" Lewis started a rivalry with Stanislaus Zbyszko in the early 1920's. One minute, Zbyszko and Joe Stecher are having a spirited Charleston dance-off, when all of a sudden Lewis rolls in, cuts a quick rug, and declares himself the winner. Wrestling was never the same again. True story.
 
Kelly Kelly comes to the ring wearing a black robe. She grabs the mic, and says if we thought the ECW Divas we saw this week looked good (What ECW Divas? She's the first one this week. Holy shit.) YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MISTER, BECAUSE ECW IS COMING TO HIGH DEFINITION~! So, ya, now you 4 people with HDTV's can all have a clearer set of fake un-pixely titties to shoot your ridiculous wads to. Well, until high definition Big Daddy V shows up. After that exhibition, your erection will invert so much into your bodies you'll be able to piss into your own throats. It'll be a scene, man. But hey, for those of you who are aching to see a shirtless dude in crystal clarity who looks like someone left a giant chocolate Easter Egg on the radiator all day and then tried to mold it back into form, well, be my guest.
 
Oh, and ya, Kelly Kelly takes her robe off and reveals a bikini. Enjoy it now, because next week, you'll be able to see her implant scars, and Johnny Ace's thumb prints. Hi-Def FTW.
 
Next week: Best Body Contest: Kelly Kelly vs. Layla vs. Lena vs. Apathy. Who will survive.
 
Tazz is in the ring with Mikey Whipwreck  Colin Delaney, a man who's so pasty white, he makes fucking Bob Backlund look like George Hamilton. Tazz then interviews him. I think. Truth is, I don't speak the language Tazz speaks. Fuck High Definition, WWE needs to invest in one of those little bubbles in the corner of the screens translators appear in when deaf people are signing, just to decipher what Tazz is saying...
 
Tazz: "So, dis ting you got yoself inta is o' reo rocketbusta. Off da chain as dey say in da hook."
Tazz Translator: "*pause* So, Mr Delaney. You're going to probably lose tonight. And every night. Forever."
Delaney: "That's what he said?"
Tazz Translator: "Maybe. Truth is, nobody knows what he says."
Tazz: "Freaky vampiha chick! Hangin' upside down all hangin' like a bat!"
Tazz Translator: "So, what do you think your chances are against Kane?"
Delaney: "Umm, he said that?"
Tazz Translator: "Probably not."
Delaney: "Good enough."
Tazz: "Not for Nuttin."
 
Kane vs. Colin Delaney
 
Chokeslam. Pin. The end.
 
Winner: Kane. Next week, Colin Delaney in high definition! You'll be able to see every vital organ in his body under the hot lights. It'll be cool. Tune in!
 
Backstage, Officials are checking on CM Punk's shoulder, when G.M. Armando Estrada asks if he can compete tonight. Only it sounded more like "Can Joo compee tonigh?" If only Paul Heyman was still on this show, Armando's enunciation woes of the word "you" could make for some awkward comedy....
 
Armando: "What are Joo doing here?"
Paul Heyman: "What did you say? Ya, I'm Jewish.  So what? You bigot."
Armando: "No, Joo don understan. Joo is not Jew, Joo is Joo!"
Paul Heyman: "Stop calling me a Jew! Have some respect you anti-Semite!"
Armando: "Joo got it all wrong. I have nothing but respec for Joo!"
Paul Heyman: "My name is Paul! Judaism is my religion! Get it straight!"
Armando: "Joo need to listen!"
Paul: "Spic!"
Armando: "Joo!"
 
Sadly, this goes on forever... 
 
RAW REBOUND: RAW sleeps with multiple partners after the heartbreak of a failed long-term relationship. Or not.
 
Seriously, though, from CM Punk, we go to RAW where ol' BM Plunk, Randy Orton eats an awesome Swanton by Jeff Hardy off the Tron.  JR: "Right now, there's some idiot out there saying that they know how to fall! How the Hell do you learn how to fall on a really obvious stuffing filled break-away stage!?"
 
Maybe he only said that in my version. Whatever.
 
Joey Styles gives us an update on Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton. Jeff checked himself out of the MEDICAL FACILITY, (Hospitals exist only in a world where people call heads 'heads' instead of skulls) and Orton stayed overnight for observation, and because he fell in love with the bed-pans and related bed-pan hi-jinks. Maybe....
 
Nurse: " Hey, is that a Baby Ruth down there? Oh! Jesus! Randy!" 
Randy: "Ha.Ha! Got.You. You. Didn't. See. That. Coming. Did. You."
Nurse: "I hate you."
 
That's exactly how it happened. I promise.
 
ROYAL RUMBLE HYPERBOLE. 30 Men Enter. Either HHH or Undertaker win. They both bury people~! Only one only does it as part of his gimmick. While the other, well, you know.
 
Shelton Benjamin w/o stopping vs. Nunzio w/o chance in hell
 
Hey, Nunzio gets a match! And he doesn't even have to wear a Holiday inspired costume. Awesome. That said, good thing for Nunzio WWE doesn't celebrate Bastille Day. That's all I can say.
 
This one is all Benjamin. Nunzio tries to mount some offense, but silly, there's no stopping him now. We'll see about later. Shelton then gets a big Yakuza kick. Why the Japanese Mafia would rather run and kick people than shoot them, is anyone's guess. Although, one looking deeper could say that hitting a Yakuza kick is a subtle shot at Nunzio's former gimmick as a Mafioso, and well, the one's saying this are probably the same assholes who combed through every layer on the Save_Us.222 videos. "Holy cripes, it says, Big Show on there!!! It must be Big Show coming back!!!! Wait! 8-2-11= HBK! It's Michaels! It's gotta be ol' HBK! I cracked the code!!!!".
 
Ya, Shelton then hits a T-Bone and finishes Nunzio with inverted Bulldog. Hey, here's a question. Why does the black guy have to have holds named after stereotyped cuts of meat? What's next? The Porkrind plunge? Come on. Besides, since Shelton's the "Gold Standard" now, shouldn't he have upgraded to a higher quality cut of beef? I insist the T-Bone be called the Prime Rib from now on.
 
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
 
After the match, Shelton gets on the mic and reminds us that there's no stopping him now. You know, it's going to be real awkward for him in the event a Police officer ever demands he pull his car over....
 
Oh, and ya, in the spirit of sportsmanship, Shelton gives Nunzio one more inverted bulldog. Whatever that is. Maybe Jeff Goldblum in the Fly knows. It sounds like something he'd accidentally pull out of that Atom Displacement machine.
 
Edge is still here! SURPRISE~! I thought I knew him but obviously I was wrong. Turns out his song was right after all.
 
CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero: If Chavo wins he gets a Title shot next week. And Forever and Ever and Ever.
 
Hey, did you know that Guerrero means WARRIOR!!!!? And that Chavo means, umm, Chavo! So his name means Chavo Warrior. Holy shit, who knew he was kin to Jim Hellwig! That has to be an awkward family reunion. Ultimate Warrior wouldn't know whether to embrace them, or to follow his natural urges and Gorilla Press them back over the border. CONFUSION~!
 
Anyway, Chavo Warrior works on Punk's arm for the bulk of the contest, only stopping when Punk says "No! Stop! That's the arm I use to drink all my Pepsi!" And then Chavo's all like "Dude, you can still drink it through a straw." and Punk's then all like "Holy shit, dude, you're right! Carry on." Then Edge gets involved and hits him with the World Title and Punk gets counted out. And by hitting him with the World Title I mean, the World Heavyweight Title, and not the ECW Title, because strangely enough, that belt magically lost its on-camera distinction by WWE as a World Title the moment a Hoss or a McMahon stopped holding it. Go figure.
 
Winner by way of extreme count-out: Chavo Guerrero. Who by proxy now gets a Title match next week. I can't wait. I've always wanted to see these two have a match! Errm.
 
FINAL THOUGHTS: Okay, we need to have a talk. Just you and me. Come here. You see, ECW is a decent show. It has good matches, and it's at least a place where guys who don't get opportunity on RAW get to have TV time. But come on, motherfuckers, it's just Velocity with a coat of paint. I'm aiming this at those heroes out there whom I read every week on message boards who think that ECW is an actual competitive brand. Dear lord, guys. I'm glad you love it and all, but it's Heat on Tuesdays. It's Smackdown's D.U.F.F. The end. Shelton isn't winning the Rumble. No one will ever choose Punk's belt at Wrestlemania. Hell, knowing the company, Punk or whomever's champion won't even defend it at Mania. And holy shit, seriously, I can't believe there's actually people who think A-list wrestlers should or would want to ever come here. "Jericho should go to ECW! He'd dominate there!" "Big Show's coming back! He needs to go back to ECW And challenge Punk!!!" IT WON'T HAPPEN. No one wants to go to ECW. No one . Jericho, Show, Foley or whomever wanting to go to ECW would be the equivalent of Jack Nicholson pining for the lead role in Man with the Screaming Brain. Hell, with the right combination of being demoted from the prestigious Four Horsemen and a forced slot on ECW, a guy could probably kill his family and himself. I'm tellin' you.
 
Seriously, my heart goes out to you all. I think it's really cute that you think ECW is the bestest show in WWE right now~! But it's not. You're just all the equivalent of a dude who doesn't realize that his girlfriend is ugly. Sure, she tries real hard and might even be good in bed, but at the end of the day, she's ugly, dude. Everyone can see it but you. You need to wake up. Appreciate the bitch for how she makes you feel, sure, but don't get any illusions of grandeur here. She has a face like a roast beef sandwich.
 
So, ya, that's ECW. It's like a blowjob from a really unattractive woman. You sort of enjoy what you're getting but you're not going to admit it to anyone.
 
Of course, all this resentment could stem from the fact that because of WWE, in ten years, THIS will be remembered as ECW, and the brand, the show, everything, will be thought of in the same connotation that people from my generation think of fucking Shotgun Saturday Night. And maybe I'm just miffed that one day, years from now, someone's going to pop in a DVD of 2006 ECW and say "Man, I'm really sad I missed out on this Bobby Lashley guy and this ECW! It looked like a real fun time to be a wrestling fan!" Yup.
 
I'm Sean.
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).