ECW: WITH ENOUGH VELOCITY
YOU CAN CREATE HEAT .
CARLESS'S INAPPROPRIATE LOOK AT ECW ON SCI-FI.
Hello ECW fans, (both of you) I am the
obscenely reputable Sean Carless and this is your ECW on SCI-FI Report for 01/15/08. I am of course standing in
this week for the deposed James Swift who has gone AWOL, and as such will not be penning the ECW Recaps for the next couple
of weeks. What a shame, too. I mean, when is he ever going to get the chance to recap another CM
Punk versus Chavo Guerrero match again? Oh.
We are LIVE from the Extreme
Capital of the world, Birmingham Alabama! Well, if the "Extreme" you're
after is racial intolerance and illiteracy! Ah, I kid. CUE THE SHITTY NON-ECW
NU-METAL THEME and PYRO & BALLYHOO, and you think you know him? It's Edge. Dude might want to think about changing that sound-byte. At this stage, I know everyone
he's put his dick into for the last 4 years, and the fact that JBL once washed his hands on his soapy ass. What else is there
to know? You know what he allows you to know. Which apparently is everything.
It's now time for the CUTTING
EDGE. Edge is happy to be right here in ECW! An ECW that looks a heck
of a lot like Velocity!.. only you know, with really neat
cartoon razor blade covered logos! (EXTREME!), girls dancing then wrestling terribly, and a Reality TV star as a
Champion. But hey, out there right now, someone will raise me The Musketeer, Ulf Hermann and Justin Credible as World Champion
to counter-attack. Touché. Normally, I'd make a crack about Hat Guy still crying
over the current state of his beloved 'Dub, but I'm pretty sure that he probably fashioned about 16 of his best Hawaiian
shirts into a noose, and ended it all about a year ago. I can't say I blame him.
Edge shows footage of his beat-down of
Rey Mysterio. "That is what happens when you mess with the Rated R Superstar!" says he, as I laugh to myself at the prospect
of Rey Mysterio being labeled the "Rated G Superstar" because those are the only films his tragic height permits him
to see. CM Punk then comes out. The fire still burns, so sayeth his theme song. A feeling I'm sure Edge's genitals are far
too familiar with after life with his previous beau (Fuck you, I'm still making Lita jokes FOREVER, and no one is going
to stop me.). Edge says that Punk reminds him of a "young Edge". What, Edge is like a fucking old hand out there? There's
what, maybe a few years between these guys? Edge then asks who he's ever defended the ECW title against.
HOW DARE EDGE. Let's see him go out there weekly for
fifteen minutes straight with guys who do jobs on Smackdown in one 8th that time, and then barely win. Umm,
forget I said anything. CM Punk then says that unlike Edge, he has respect for his opponents.
If I was Punker, I'd mention my definite superior curve in nailing top shelf pussy versus Edge's track record of
taking his pal's awful sloppy seconds. But hey, that's just me. CM Punk then says that
he could beat Edge because this ain't Smackdown. Umm, the lighting, the arena, the fans, and the tarp
under the apron suggests otherwise, buddy. Well, either that, or WWE was nice enough to let the exact
same fans you'll see this Friday sit in their exact same seats! I can see it! Anything can happen in the WWE!
Just nothing you'd ever want or ask for.
Just then, Chavo Guerrero comes down to the ring. He
demands ONE MORE match against Punk, who agrees. After all, it's Punk's lot in life to fight the exact same assholes forever.
ECW is Groundhog Day. And right now, Punk (Punxsutawney Phil Brooks? CM Punxsutawney?) is driving his car off a
cliff with a groundhog at the wheel just to end his pain. But no worries, he'll wake up tomorrow without a scratch and
still fight Chavo again. That's how it works. Oh ya, Edge and Chavo beat Punk down and injure his shoulder. Why is no one
saving Punk here? My theory is that his addiction to competition has alienated the rest of the locker room...
Kane: "Jesus Christ, No, I don't want to play
Connect Four, Punk!"
Punk: "How about Twister, then?"
Kane: "Holy shit."
Punk: "Battleship? Come on! Battleship! That game rules!"
Kane: 'Leave me alone!"
Punk: "Jenga? Jenga! Ja-ja-Jenga? Come on! I need it!
I have to have it! It hurts so bad. COMPETITION!!!!!!! BLARRRGGGGHHHH!"
Kane: "You need help. You're an addict."
Punk: "*sniffle* I know."
After the break, we see Edge leaving
the building. Which is carny code for he'll be back. It's true. It's a FAN LAW. If you're seen leaving the building or being
escorted out, you'll be back in the last 5 minutes of the show. I don't make the rules. All he needed to further
hammer the silly predictable wrestling clichés home is to be wheeling a giant birthday cake while he leaves, and
demanding a non-physical contract signing for later tonight. Only you see, IT WILL BE PHYSICAL. Some things in wrestling
never change. What can I say.
Morrison vs. The Highlanders: Non-title match.
Oh what a whore this brand extension
is. She'll put out for anyone. And what ever happened to the Highlanders earned World tag team title shot on RAW? Man. If
Cryme Tyme taught us anything (besides that people will actually buy some dude's half eaten steak and a retard's medication
for discounted prices) it's that winning a "guaranteed Tag Team Title shot" is probably the worst
thing that can happen to your career. It's akin to being one of the "previous winners" in the movie The Running
Anyway, Rory and Robbie do their best out there, but Styles would apparently like to talk more about Moore Wang's spirited
fifteen minute pewter man challenge last week with the Champs. Rory then takes it to the Miz and I'll be damned if Rory
isn't growing fatter by the week here. Who knew Haggis was so high in calories? You'd think chasing terrified sheep through
the Rollin' hills so you can make love to them would burn a ton of calories, but I guess I was wrong. Hot (lukewarm?) tag
to Robbie, but he just gets tripped up and pinned (JOBBIE!) by Miz with the Reality Check. I think it used to be called
something else in OVW with a connotation of the word "Miz" in it. All I know is, this guy is far too obsessed with his
fucking stupid nickname. I mean, Mizfits? How about Mizery? WWE can start filming
it now. A WWE Creative member's car crashes in a snowdrift and Mike Mizanin takes him to his cabin and nurses him back
to health, eventually re-breaking his legs when he is unable to write a storyline where people actually give a shit about
Miz. The movie ultimately ends in the writer's death, though, because try as he must, that story is impossible to
write. Tell me I'm wrong.
M & M. They melt in your mouth. And in someone's hands. I mean, clearly Miz had to service somebody
backstage to end up as a Champion.
Kofi Kingston is coming! I'm just sad
that Booker T. is no longer here, because they'd make a great tag team. I mean, who couldn't get behind T &
Kofi? They could call themselves the Hot Beverages! Hell, bring back Koko
B. Ware for the ultimate Trifecta. It'd be awesome.
WWE SLAM OF THE WEEK: Me hitting my head repeatedly on my coffee table after the Mini-Rumble last night until I drew
blood. Oh, and Lena whatsherface declaring herself the winner of a terrible un-sexy dance exhibition with Kelly Kelly and
Jor-El's sister Layla last week. OH NO SHE DIN'NT. The shit is on now. Umm, literally. I heard, this is the same
way Ed "Strangler" Lewis started a rivalry with Stanislaus Zbyszko in the early 1920's. One minute, Zbyszko
and Joe Stecher are having a spirited Charleston dance-off, when all of a sudden Lewis rolls in, cuts a quick rug,
and declares himself the winner. Wrestling was never the
same again. True story.
Kelly Kelly comes to the ring wearing
a black robe. She grabs the mic, and says if we thought the ECW Divas we saw this week looked good (What ECW Divas? She's
the first one this week. Holy shit.) YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MISTER, BECAUSE ECW IS COMING TO HIGH DEFINITION~! So,
ya, now you 4 people with HDTV's can all have a clearer set of fake un-pixely titties to shoot your ridiculous wads to. Well,
until high definition Big Daddy V shows up. After that exhibition, your erection will invert
so much into your bodies you'll be able to piss into your own throats. It'll be a scene, man. But hey, for those
of you who are aching to see a shirtless dude in crystal clarity who looks like someone left a giant chocolate Easter
Egg on the radiator all day and then tried to mold it back into form, well, be my guest.
Oh, and ya, Kelly Kelly takes her robe
off and reveals a bikini. Enjoy it now, because next week, you'll be able to see her implant scars, and Johnny Ace's
thumb prints. Hi-Def FTW.
Next week: Best Body Contest: Kelly Kelly vs. Layla vs. Lena vs. Apathy. Who will survive.
Tazz is in the ring with
Whipwreck Colin Delaney, a man who's so pasty white, he makes
fucking Bob Backlund look like George Hamilton. Tazz then interviews him. I
think. Truth is, I don't speak the language Tazz speaks. Fuck High Definition, WWE needs to invest in one of those little bubbles in the corner of the screens translators
appear in when deaf people are signing, just to decipher what Tazz is saying...
Tazz: "So, dis ting you got yoself inta is o' reo rocketbusta. Off da chain as dey say
in da hook."
Tazz Translator: "*pause* So, Mr Delaney. You're going to
probably lose tonight. And every night. Forever."
Delaney: "That's what he said?"
Tazz Translator: "Maybe. Truth is, nobody knows what he says."
Tazz: "Freaky vampiha chick! Hangin' upside down all hangin' like a bat!"
Tazz Translator: "So, what do you think your chances are against Kane?"
Delaney: "Umm, he said that?"
Tazz Translator: "Probably not."
Delaney: "Good enough."
Tazz: "Not for Nuttin."
Chokeslam. Pin. The end.
Kane. Next week, Colin Delaney in high definition! You'll be able to see every vital organ in his body under the hot
lights. It'll be cool. Tune in!
Backstage, Officials are checking on
CM Punk's shoulder, when G.M. Armando Estrada asks if he can compete tonight. Only it sounded more like "Can Joo
compee tonigh?" If only Paul Heyman was still on this show, Armando's enunciation woes of the word "you" could
make for some awkward comedy....
Armando: "What are Joo doing here?"
Paul Heyman: "What did you say? Ya, I'm Jewish. So what? You bigot."
Armando: "No, Joo don understan. Joo is not Jew, Joo is Joo!"
Paul Heyman: "Stop calling me a Jew! Have some respect you anti-Semite!"
Armando: "Joo got it all wrong. I have nothing but respec for Joo!"
Paul Heyman: "My name is Paul! Judaism is my religion! Get it straight!"
Armando: "Joo need to listen!"
Sadly, this goes on forever...
RAW REBOUND: RAW sleeps with multiple partners after the heartbreak of a failed long-term relationship.
Seriously, though, from CM Punk, we go to RAW where
ol' BM Plunk, Randy Orton eats an awesome Swanton by Jeff Hardy off
the Tron. JR:
"Right now, there's some idiot out there saying that they know how to fall! How the Hell do you learn how to fall on
a really obvious stuffing filled break-away stage!?"
Maybe he only said that in my version.
Joey Styles gives us an update on Jeff
Hardy and Randy Orton. Jeff checked himself out of the MEDICAL FACILITY, (Hospitals exist only in a world
where people call heads 'heads' instead of skulls) and Orton stayed overnight for observation, and because he fell in
love with the bed-pans and related bed-pan hi-jinks. Maybe....
Nurse: " Hey, is that a Baby Ruth down there? Oh!
Randy: "Ha.Ha! Got.You. You. Didn't. See. That. Coming. Did. You."
Nurse: "I hate you."
That's exactly how it happened.
ROYAL RUMBLE HYPERBOLE.
30 Men Enter. Either HHH or Undertaker win. They both bury people~! Only one only does it as part of his gimmick.
While the other, well, you know.
Benjamin w/o stopping vs. Nunzio w/o chance in hell
Hey, Nunzio gets a match! And he doesn't
even have to wear a Holiday inspired costume. Awesome. That said, good thing for Nunzio WWE doesn't celebrate
Bastille Day. That's all I can say.
This one is all Benjamin. Nunzio tries to mount some
offense, but silly, there's no stopping him now. We'll see about
later. Shelton then gets a big Yakuza kick. Why the Japanese Mafia would
rather run and kick people than shoot them, is anyone's guess. Although,
one looking deeper could say that hitting a Yakuza kick is a subtle shot at
Nunzio's former gimmick as a Mafioso, and well, the one's saying this are
probably the same assholes who combed through every layer on the Save_Us.222
videos. "Holy cripes, it says, Big Show on there!!! It must be Big Show coming
back!!!! Wait! 8-2-11=
HBK! It's Michaels! It's gotta be ol' HBK! I cracked the code!!!!".
Ya, Shelton then hits a T-Bone and finishes Nunzio with
inverted Bulldog. Hey, here's a question. Why does the black guy have
to have holds named after stereotyped cuts of meat? What's next? The Porkrind plunge? Come on. Besides, since Shelton's the
"Gold Standard" now, shouldn't he have upgraded to a higher quality cut of beef? I insist the T-Bone be called the Prime
Rib from now on.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
After the match, Shelton gets on the
mic and reminds us that there's no stopping him now. You know, it's going to be real awkward for him in the event a
Police officer ever demands he pull his car over....
Oh, and ya, in the spirit of sportsmanship,
Shelton gives Nunzio one more inverted bulldog. Whatever that is. Maybe Jeff Goldblum in the Fly knows. It sounds like
something he'd accidentally pull out of that Atom Displacement machine.
Edge is still here! SURPRISE~! I thought I knew him but obviously I was wrong. Turns out his song was right after all.
CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero: If Chavo wins he gets a Title shot next week. And Forever
and Ever and Ever.
Hey, did you know that Guerrero means WARRIOR!!!!? And that Chavo means,
umm, Chavo! So his name means Chavo Warrior. Holy
shit, who knew he was kin to Jim Hellwig! That has to be an awkward family reunion. Ultimate Warrior wouldn't know whether
to embrace them, or to follow his natural urges and Gorilla Press them back over the border. CONFUSION~!
Anyway, Chavo Warrior works on Punk's arm for the bulk of
the contest, only stopping when Punk says "No! Stop! That's the arm I use to
drink all my Pepsi!" And then Chavo's all like "Dude, you can still
drink it through a straw." and Punk's then all like "Holy shit,
dude, you're right! Carry on." Then Edge gets involved and hits him with the
World Title and Punk gets counted out. And by hitting him with the World
Title I mean, the World Heavyweight Title,
and not the ECW Title, because strangely enough, that belt magically lost its on-camera distinction
by WWE as a World Title the moment a Hoss or a McMahon stopped holding it. Go figure.
Winner by way of extreme
count-out: Chavo Guerrero. Who by proxy now gets a Title match next week. I can't wait. I've always
wanted to see these two have a match! Errm.
Okay, we need to have a talk. Just you and me. Come here. You see, ECW is a decent show. It has good matches,
and it's at least a place where guys who don't get opportunity on RAW get to have TV time. But come on, motherfuckers,
it's just Velocity with a coat of paint. I'm aiming this at those heroes out there whom I read every week on message boards
who think that ECW is an actual competitive brand. Dear lord, guys. I'm glad you love it and all, but it's Heat on Tuesdays.
It's Smackdown's D.U.F.F. The
end. Shelton isn't winning the Rumble. No one will ever choose Punk's belt
at Wrestlemania. Hell, knowing the company, Punk or whomever's champion won't
even defend it at Mania. And holy shit, seriously, I can't believe there's
actually people who think A-list wrestlers should or would want to ever
come here. "Jericho should go to ECW! He'd dominate there!" "Big Show's coming
back! He needs to go back to ECW And challenge Punk!!!" IT WON'T HAPPEN.
No one wants to go to ECW. No one . Jericho, Show, Foley or whomever wanting to go to
ECW would be the equivalent of Jack Nicholson pining for the lead role in Man with the Screaming Brain. Hell, with the right combination of being demoted from the prestigious
Four Horsemen and a forced slot on ECW, a guy could probably kill his family and himself. I'm tellin' you.
Seriously, my heart goes out to you all.
I think it's really cute that you think ECW is the bestest show in WWE right now~! But it's not. You're just all the
equivalent of a dude who doesn't realize that his girlfriend is ugly. Sure, she tries real hard and might even be good in
bed, but at the end of the day, she's ugly, dude. Everyone can see it but you. You need to wake up. Appreciate the bitch for
how she makes you feel, sure, but don't get any illusions of grandeur here. She has a face like a roast beef sandwich.
So, ya, that's ECW. It's like a blowjob
from a really unattractive woman. You sort of enjoy what you're getting but you're not going to admit it to
Of course, all this resentment could
stem from the fact that because of WWE, in ten years, THIS will be remembered as ECW, and the brand, the show, everything, will
be thought of in the same connotation that people from my generation think of fucking Shotgun Saturday Night. And
maybe I'm just miffed that one day, years from now, someone's going to pop in a DVD of 2006 ECW and say "Man,
I'm really sad I missed out on this Bobby Lashley guy and this ECW! It looked like a real fun time to be a wrestling
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling,
411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.