That said, Holiday season is upon us, and you know what that means: I’ll once again be forced to open my wallet and buy a slew of gifts for people I see maybe once a year, and all so I can receive a gift in return that I’ll never use. If only I could take a page from George Costanza’s book and hand out donations in their name to the “Human Fund”, all would be right in the world.
But seriously. What the fuck is wrong with people? Every year I make a list of things I desperately want, and EVERY YEAR these same family members choose to ignore my requests and instead get me what they THINK I need. And I don't need a mason jar full of salted Peanuts. This I promise you. And while I don’t expect my grandmother to fetch me the elusive copy of cinematic masterpiece Edward Penishands, I do expect for once to not get the EXACT same gift on a yearly basis. You see, every year, I BEG my family to not buy me clothes or lottery tickets (Merry Christmas! Here's nothing!), but regardless of my pleas, what’s there almost always in the bottom of the box on Christmas morn? But a shirt so horrendously tacky and homoerotic, that in order to wear it, I’d have to make a severe lifestyle change. I'm talking about an article of clothing SO FUCKING GAY, that it would likely make me burst into flames if I ever dared try it on. You know, on account of all the gayness, you see.
You know what, though? I may not be able to stop them from buying lousy gifts, but I sure can return the favor! So, starting this Xmas, in the true spirit of the season, I will seek my revenge by giving the absolute shittiest gifts you’ve ever seen. You just wait. Merry Christmas!
Onto the Wrestling!
2004 was a year of great change in the industry. One that saw the crowning of both Eddie Guerrero & Chris Benoit as the industry's standard bearers, as both deserving stars embraced one another at Wrestlemania XX in perhaps the most genuine and emotional moment in the event's history. WWE then followed this up by putting the belt's on HHH and JBL. So, ya, 2004 was basically the equivalent of the best head ever, that unfortunately finished with the woman biting off your dick and laughing at you as you try to fumble through the sheets looking for your discarded penile helmet tip. I'm telling you, it's just like that. I think.
But that said, let's get to the rest of my review. Some other columnists might prefer to go over the truly important issues of the year, the great matches, the highs, the lows, etc., but those people are assholes. I just like to make jokes and offend people.
YEAR IN REVIEW: 2004
Over the past year, I’ve had a lot of fun at A LOT of other people’s expenses, so with that in mind, let us look back at some of my favorite targets and relive the misery!
Brutus Beefcake- Brutus Beefcake, former WWF wrestler and the man who wipes Hulk Hogan's leathery orange ass on command, gets involved in an anthrax scare in Boston , where he chose to forsake years of haircutting prowess for the bright lights and excitement that can only come from working as a fare collector at a Subway station. Seriously. He then ended up leaving a "bag" unattended that contained a mysterious white powder (and not a slew of gigantic red & white gardening shears.). The first assumption by those who found the bag was that it was "Anthrax". Fortunately, though, the powder contained within just turned out to be COCAINE. Yes, Cocaine. STRUTTIN' AND CUTTIN'...lines of Coke, baby. As if Brother Bruti needs to be anymore strung out. Although, I find it perversely amusing to think that if you found Brutus passed out stoned, you'd just revive him by sitting him up, and then jumping in the air and stomping on his shoulders. What's good for the goose, after all.
So, ya, that's Brutus' year in a nut shell. In a related note, though, Roddy Piper is now said to be VERY interested in becoming a fare collector...
Jake The Snake Roberts: Former WWF star and the man best known for shaking one off in a trashcan in the film in Beyond the Mat, Jake Roberts, is charged by London courts in the death of his pet python Damien. Earthquake, unlike OJ before him, is just glad the "real" killer was finally discovered. Jake ends up being found guilty of animal cruelty in Damien’s starvation death and is fined. My theory all along was that Jake just ate all the food. I mean, just look at the last two times we've seen him. And besides, we should have seen this coming. This is a dude who WORE SNAKE SKIN BOOTS, while carrying a pet snake. That's like being a member of fucking PETA and wearing so much fur people mistake your Ass for the Ghost of Christmas fucking Present.
But in a side note, isn't it ironic that often these exotic snakes have to be de-venomized before you can even own them, yet it's Roberts himself that really should have all the poisons removed from his body?....
Rob Feinstein: Former ROH Owner and RF Video head honcho Rob Feinstein is busted by an anti-pedophile group who posed in a chat room as a 14 year old boy named "Brandon"; and after an apparent two day conversation, (which RD should be selling any day now for like 40 dollars) RF got into his Lexus and drove out to the boys supposed location where he was then caught on camera, before jumping into his car and speeding off. OH NOES. Who could have seen this coming? The last thing I'd ever suspect from a guy who founded a company filled almost entirely with lean, youthful, half naked dudes, would be a love of underage teenagers. What a head scratcher.
Anyway, the belief is that Feinstein (who was never charged) was there to solicit sex from the pretend teenager, although secretly I had hoped that it was just to decipher the 4 hour shoot interview with Iron Sheik, that to this day I have no clue as to what the fuck was going on…..
Feinstein then supposedly resigns as owner of ROH, but the scandal allows NWA TNA to pull their contracted wrestlers from Ring of Honor entirely, obviously not wanting to be associated with Feinstein and his alleged need to find a young boy to umm, "push" in his private organization "TURD-RING Of Honor". I can't say I blame TNA. Who wants to be associated with SMUT like that, when you can just produce wholesome family entertainment like midgets jerking off in Trash-cans?
Stone Cold Steve Austin:The Stone Cold leaving the WWE story was over-shadowed by his spats with his seemingly insane ex-girlfriend Tess Broussard of blue movie fame. (Blew movie?). And before you ask, "A Wrestler and a Porn Star?," the two actually had a lot more in common than what you’d think. First, both are expected to roll around with barely clothed unattractive men, both have a maneuver that sees them leap vertical onto a man with legs wrapped around the torso; and where Austin's business sees men wear socks on their hands, it's not uncommon in Tess's profession to see the same foot apparel used to cover up the swollen moneymakers of its "stars". Ok, there’s a chance I just wanted to use this joke again, sue me.
Anyway, Tess’s first alleges that Steve tried to re-injure her broken foot (yet no mention was made if Steve in fact placed a steel chair over it first), followed by accusations that Austin, and I quote, "grabbed her by the ankles and swung her around the room", although I tend to disbelieve this if only because Austin hasn’t varied his repertoire in years. What, a stunner not good enough for you? However, regardless, if it is true, part of me is still envious that the Texas Rattlesnake has the living room space to pull off a properly executed “Giant Swing” without breaking any of his furniture.
Anyway, from there, Austin is said to offer her 1.5 Million dollars to get out of his life, and then goes on to say that during a dinner to discuss these details, Tess stabbed Austin’s business manager! Tess however countered that the manager STABBED HIMSELF. (if there was ever an agent to hire! Imagine what he'd do to get you a movie role? Draw & quarter himself?…).
That all said, Austin & Tess have now gone their separate ways and no new incidents have arose. So, good luck to Steve, and just remember, next time you're looking through the personals, not too many women tend to list “Piston-like right hands” as their “turn-ons". Keep reachin' for that rainbow, though.
Warrior: Warrior’s insanity knows no bounds, so why wouldn’t he be my favorite target?I'll just make sure there's no ropes close by in the case he ever tries to track me down.
Anyway, since stepping away from the ring, Warrior’s now best known for dispensing “Warrior Wisdom” from his website which often includes the "evils of Liberalism" and how he’d like to swat indecents until they “bleed” (I’m not kidding).
However, Warrior’s usual target tends
to be homosexuality. Although, I find it really ironic
that a man who detests gays so much would have
participated in an industry that sees oily men roll
around with one an other, exchanging "holds" and wearing
make-up. I mean, just look at Warrior's finisher. For a
guy so repulsed by such things, he sure didn't have a
problem cupping someone's junk in mid-air like a fat kid
in a cookie-jar as he "pressed" them over his head.
Also, wasn't this the same guy who would constantly pull
Rick Rude's tights down in mid-match? LET HE WHO HAS NOT
FELT THE PENILE REGION OF AT LEAST 100 JOBBERS ON WWF
SUPERSTARS CAST THE FIRST
Also, if you read his commentaries, you'll find that he has an unhealthy obsession with "Atlas", constantly referring to him in EVERY single post as if he is Warrior's personal hero. But, if you really want to break it down, isn't Atlas basically just a big squatting naked man with a ball on his head? And if that's not a metaphor for homosexuality, I don't know what is....
From there, our favorite “Warrior Man”, thought so much of himself and his worth that he decided to sell, and I quote, “A one of a kind colored championship belt”, that he claims NO ONE owned, for the outrageous price tag of $23,500 dollars. Anyway, things didn’t exactly go as Warrior planned and eventually he pulled the item, but not before discussing it with his hands first for 20 minutes (they after all gave him some great advice at Wrestlemania 7...), eventually giving this response to a fan who dared question the belt’s validity:
"What else needs to be said? It's
real. It's genuine. It's true. I own it. I am Warrior.
The Creator, Owner and Performer of The Ultimate
Warrior, former WWF Heavyweight Champion.
Ultimate Warrior was the only talent who wore colored WWF Heavyweight Championship belts. Period.
Ultimate Warrior was the only one to were a blue WWF Heavyweight Championship belt. Period."
Wow, HE SAYS IT'S REAL, so it must be! What court in the land wouldn’t take that as gospel? You know, some people might want a legal guarantee, but when a guy with a painted face who spent 2/3rds of his life in his underwear, and whom LEGALLY CHANGED HIS FUCKING NAME TO WARRIOR, guaran-damn-tees that’s it’s the real deal, who wouldn’t take that at face value? Everybody? Maybe. Besides, it's not like you can return mail it. Just where in the fuck is Parts Unknown, anyway?
But if this still is not good enough for you, Warrior chimes in with this: "You get all the verification upfront that you need and as long as I am alive, I will be gladly available to verify its authenticity." See? Warrior will personally verify it’s authenticity FOR YOU. So don’t fret, next time someone says "Warrior never really owned that!", all you have to do is place a call to parts unknown…or better yet, flash the Warrior-Symbol from WCW into the night sky, and Warrior will run from his home in Arizona to your house, to yes, VERIFY THAT THIS SUPER UNIQUE COLORED BELT THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER WORN (ESPECIALLY SGT. SLAUGHTER) IS THE REAL DEAL!!!! WARRIAH! Oh yeah, unless he's dead as he mentioned. But hey, I wouldn't buy it. I saw this guy get locked in a coffin once for 12 minutes straight and he was just fine. So in the event of his death, just pull that casket off the rolling beer-case wheels at the Crematorium , crack the bitch open and get Warrior's guarantee. IT'S YOUR ULTIMATE RESPONSIBILITY.
Here’s to hoping for a 2005 filled with more Destrucity!
Vince Russo:Sometime this year, while demanding the female locker room accidentally explode from their tops mid-match, and while breaking the spirits of the non-American TNA locker room, our own Vinnie Ru found religion! Turns out it was behind the couch all along. And from there, Russo stated that soon he’d give up wrestling to become a MINISTER. Hopefully, none of that includes making Mideon drink his blood or tying someone to giant metal cross.
Anyway, here’s the exact statement made by Russo earlier this year:
"I don’t expect many to understand—but in time they will, I believe we all will. It took me 42 years to "get it", but the point is—I got it. And that’s why starting May 24th I'll be attending Denver Seminary School."
Anyway, Vince Russo did stick to his word, even if his New Yawk accent makes it almost entirely unintelligible, and left TNA after its first 3 hour PPV where he surrendered full kayfabe control to Dusty Rhodes. His last SIN, apparently.
That said, being the asshole that I am, I speculated as to what a Russo-ran parish would actually be like. Here were my findings:
- Makes the women carrying
around the collection plates wear bikinis and
participate in the occasional "Baptism gown"
-Turns away Mexican and Japanese parishioners because no one would "buy" them as Christians anyway...
-During a sermon he'll insist that Jesus was crucified on a "symbol" and not a cross.
- Performs baptisms in pudding instead of water;
-Attempt to bring in more church goers by staging "Jesus: This is your life".
-When someone doesn't tithe, he'll point that person out and yell: "You'll never see that bald piece of shit again!"
-He'll refer to Judas' betrayal as a botched heel turn.
-Refers to the time Jesus "cut a promo" on the mount of olives.
-Confuses his congregation by insisting John 3:16 means "I just whipped your ass".
-In an attempt to hook young people, he'll create "hip" and "edgy" youth groups like "D-Nomination X" and nWo (new World orthodox).
-When reading from the book of Revelations, and speaking of Armageddon, he won't be able to resist the urge to yell "Live on Pay-per-view!".
-And finally, He'll throw down his collar in a SWERVE and yell that it was all a ruse!.... before ultimately going back to God three weeks later with no explanation given...
Divas Search:The WWE ventures into the realm of Reality TV, but much like every other non-wrestling venture they’ve ever tried, the concept is an epic failure. But hey, maybe if we combined THEM ALL, it'd finally work! Stay tuned to the $250,000 XFL BODYBUILDER SEARCH. Extreme Football and shirtless muscle posing whilst sitting bare-assed in pies. It'll be something.
For week's, WWE dedicates a quarter of an hour to the Diva hopefuls, who in turn go out and produce more abortions than Gene Snitsky. (apparently, during beach photo shoots and the WARS that are bikini competitions, you never know when you’ll be spontaneously expected to drop everything and seduce a morbidly obese Ugandan).
The apparent "star" of the search seems to be Carmella, who week in and week out shows as much charisma as a 1960’s TV robot, all while showing as much raw sex appeal as fucking Mickey Rooney, despite being a former Playboy Playmate. From there, she no-shows Summer Slam’s CELEBRATED Dodgeball contest (which was unfortunate, because let’s face it, who’d know more about being slapped in the face by errant balls than a Playboy Playmate?). Still, even without their leader, the hopefuls annihilate the actual Divas, and Christie Hemme, who to quote JR is “full of spunk” (I’ll be willing to donate some more to the cause!) ends up winning the contest, after swaying the vote no doubt by declaring that her Ass was "hungry" then subsequently feeding it some pie as she plummeted front-bum first into the filling. Rumors persist this too is how Kennedy eventually secured the vote in 1960.
And of course, as we all know by now, WWE hired all the castoffs anyway, but not before firing half its midcard roster to make room for the influx of women who now find themselves thrust into various roles such as "personal trainers", "executive presidential secretaries" and "special friends to one the Big Show". Oh my. But hey, who wants to see actual wrestling when you can watch these SUPER TALENTED ladies stretch with the wrestlers in the back, bake turkey dinners, pretend to be make up artists, and take the full load of a Giant?
Victoria's dancing:WWE stops payment on all Rubles to T.A.T.U, and the era of psychotic Victoria gives way to the new “Happy Fun Victoria”, who is reminiscent of WCW’s Nitro Girls….if they were all of a sudden struck with epilepsy. Victoria ’s Elaine Benis-like dance routine becomes somewhat of a fixture on WWE TV for several weeks, in addition to kissing children in the audience, despite the fact that not six months earlier, the character would have bitten their noses off and spit them back in their faces. That's some psychological recovery there. I wonder what MIRACLE DRUG Vickie took that turned her from paranoid psycho to fucking Paula Abdul with Parkinson's in a one month period. I've been to the Pysche Ward. Come Med-time, they don't all spontaneously break out into fucking Soul Train. What gives?
JBL: Perennial mid-card act Bradshaw transforms himself into JBL, but creates HUGE controversy when during a tour of Germany, he goose-steps to gain some “heel” heat. As a result, Germany recalls all their suplexes in retort. Or not.
Later that week, he’s fired as an analyst on CNBC, when hundreds of emails flood their offices, from those individuals, (us), whom JBL claimed made no impact whatsoever.
JBL eventually shakes off the controversy like it was the integrity and DNA of Billy Silverman, and becomes WWE Champion regardless, and WWE opts to take the high road (for once) and not capitalize on the controversy. (Although it would have made sense. Bradshaw, much like the Nazi’s, did commit some of his most heinous atrocities in a shower room…).
Heidenreich: WWE calls big Jon up to the main roster (sans Little Johnny) and eventually he’s programmed with Undertaker, where the two meet at Survivor Series in the potential first ever “Worst of Everything series”.
Apparently though, Heidenreich was originally going to be brought back as a Nazi that was frozen for 60 years. Which might explain the pace of his wrestling. Clearly, he just needs time to finish thawing out! Give him a break! From there, Heidy grew as a performer, and adopted two very important aspects to his character. Poetry, and ass-fucking. Does Lanny Poffo know of this blatant trademark infringement??
Booker Bear: Those familiar with this site are familiar with the plight of the Booker Bear. But for those who don’t know, Booker Bear was a stuffed animal likeness of Booker T sold in Shop Zone, that obviously no one ever really thought through. You see, the doll was probably the single most unintentionally racist thing I’ve ever seen. In fact, this bear looked as if when it was done executing a scissors kick in the imagination of your children, he was off to work for a cruel master in the fields for absolutely no pay whatsoever. That cotton doesn't pick itself, sucka. For weeks, the Sambo-like Booker Bear went unnoticed, when suddenly and without explanation, it was yanked from the Shop Zone listings. Harry & I of course took credit for exposing this controversy (and subsequently pointing it out across the web), but rather than mourn his loss and lament WWE, we instead decided to make him the site’s un-official mascot. But still, where did Booker Bear go and more so than that, who in their right mind thought this was a good idea? Surely this person had three first names and had a penchant for tucking his bib overalls into his boots? Truthfully, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com truly hope there is some sort of secret Shop Zone underground railroad, and that Booker Bear has finally been emancipated and is on that Train to FREEDOM.
Bob Holly: You know, there was a reason why Koko B. Ware never got a program with a Hulk Hogan. And it’s the exact same reason Holly shouldn't have got one with Brock Lesnar. There’s mid-carders, and there’s main-eventers. And then there’s asshole midcarders. Guess which category Hardcore fits into?
The fact is, Holly got his bone at the Royal Rumble, but still, the memories of race car pants and a mullet last seen in the mid 1980’s at a Styxx concert were enough for the Internet to shit on his Title push, and brand him the worst lame duck challenger since The Patriot in 1997. UNCLE SHAM.
But at least Bob took it in stride…. he only injured three people this year. With the most recent victim being Rene Dupree, who apparently got a ticket on Holly’s car and didn’t pay it, forcing Hardcore to fly out of state to settle it. I picture the plane covered in stickers and the cock-pit enclosed in mesh to make him feel at home. Holly then returned the favor by destroying Rene Dupree on a house show, bloodying him and leaving him with a black eye. I have no idea why. It wasn't like Holly wasn't going to drive it into a wall anyway.
If only WWE had followed my advice earlier this year, and trapped his essence in a giant pane of glass and cast him into space for eternity ala Superman 2, none of this would have ever happened.
Hulk Hogan:Bollea-Mania is running wild! It was Hulkamania, but *someone* forget to mail the check to Marvel comics and thus destroyed 10 years of archival continuity. 'Nuff said.
Seriously though, for a guy who hasn’t wrestled in almost two years, Hogan’s managed to keep his name (and his gloriously huge shiny noggin) in the news anyway.
First there’s the aforementioned issue about the name “Hulk” where WWE’s 20 year licensing agreement went up in smoke faster than RVD’s dressing room. WWE is now forced to write a little reversionary history, while selling us on the time HOLLYWOOD Hogan bodyslammed the 700 pound Giant, Bruther. Andre still died three days later, mind you, but "Hulk" is nowhere to be heard, dude. Still, because of WWE’s short sightedness, they now have the unenviable task of replacing “Hulk” on every video capture of Hogan they have, and all this on the heels of their 24/7 service that will likely feature the stark ravin’ huckster in huge doses. But still, why can’t Hogan be "Hulk"? There’s not like they have a lot in common. Well, besides both being impervious to pain….or ripping out of their shirts…or being radioactive (Green and orange respectively). Oh wait. Never mind. Forget I said anything.
From there, Hulk began a campaign to make his daughter the next Britney Spears, but somehow, someway, most of the attention ended up on the HULKSTER himself (SURPRISE~!). No doubt, Brooke now can see the plight of one Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff and a slew of second tier 1980’s WWF midcarders. Now, if only she’d blindside Hogan with a steel chair, my life would be complete.
And finally, the seemingly unending rivalry between the Mega-powers umm, exploded in all it’s geriatric wonder this past year, when years of pent up frustration caused the Macho Man to lash out at the Hulkster the only way he knew how: Through Rap music. Macho Man released an album demanding Hogan “Be a Man”, and finally, Hogan responded first citing that “he used to beat up Macho pretty bad” in an interview. That Hulk Hogan! He was always taking liberties with his stiff style! I mean, how many careers did that leg drop prematurely end? But, one comes to expect this when you employ the ultra physical style Hogan is known for……
And finally, the shit really hits the fan when for the first time in years, as Hogan and Macho were in the same arena at TNA’s Victory Road ppv. Hogan was said to extend the awkward Mega-Power handshake and even offers up an alleged “I love you, Bruther!” (which for the record is only acceptable when both parties are fried out of their gourds) but Macho Man REFUSES!!!! The Madness no longer meets the Mania! And the world cries. Or maybe just 1987 Vince McMahon. Hogan then says he’s willing to step out back with Macho to settle the score, but Macho Man declines Hogan’s offer to settle it like (really, really old) men. As a result, we are thankfully spared the sight of seeing only a burning pile of embers remaining, with a couple of dew-rags and weightlifter's belt. It could have been tragic.
Sadly, the two never even think to settle their differences in the most obvious manner possible: Through the AWESOME POWER OF FREESTYLE RAP! Hell, Hogan could even adopt a cool Rapper persona like Ice-T. (Orange Pekoe, perhaps?). That would be so money.
Sean O'Haire: Sean O’Haire gets released from the WWE and not soon after is leveled with allegations that while in a night club, he kicked a woman in the head. Sean’s carefully crafted and sympathetic defense as to why he couldn’t have committed such an act was “the bitch would be in the hospital” as opposed to the usual “I’d never hit a woman.”. O’Haire then claims that the woman in question was pestering him and even wrecked his suit, likely the very one he used to seduce the 2003 locker room into acts of un-repented evil. The woman however still insisted the Sean “Told her something she didn’t already know” which in this case was “Duck!”. Poor Sean. Had he shown this type of workrate in the WWE, maybe he’d still be under contract. We could have really used his brand of chivalry during the Diva's search. I'm telling you. A few superkicks here and there, and maybe WWE could have saved a quarter of a mil.
WWE dress code: WWE institutes a strict dress code policy that asks the wrestlers to wear suit jackets and ties or face being fined. The entire tiger-striped Zubaz pants industry then instantly goes into bankruptcy.
Anyway, despite WWE's claims that their wrestlers technically being independent contractors, WWE enforces the rule anyway, citing that it’s not too much to ask the talent to dress professionally. Even if they are zombies, set people on fire, pretend to be superheroes, or fuck corpses on live TV.
That said, maybe Vince should rewind some of that 24/7 library back the 80’s and look at what he was wearing. I mean, compared to gigantic powdered blue sports blazers, or fucking hounds tooth jackets so fucking horrendously bright & tacky, viewers at home go into epileptic fits, roll on the floor in circles Curly-style, then explode, I'm thinking a t-shirt and jeans combo isn’t exactly the end of the world. And you had to laugh at them expecting wrestlers to look “professional”. I mean, you’re talking about an industry that sees talent trying to run people over with cars, drug, kidnap, and in turn force women to marry them, attack their bosses on a weekly basis, and did I mention, fuck corpses? I did? Good. I mean, wow! You BETTER be wearing a fucking tie in public or people just may start to have a less than favorable opinion of wrestling....
Kane/Lita/Snitsky: If anyone ever makes threats towards me, I can only hope that my girlfriend has the foresight and courage to dissuade him by fucking him into passivity like WWE’s own extreme Diva, Lita!
If anything, this entire storyline gave me more material than just about anything in the world. But, just think, had Lita insisted that Kane wear a condom, this may have never happened. (although, since Kane can project fire from his hands, one would assume that his undead love seed would be the equivalent of piping hot magma and simply burn through the prophylactic anyway. It's science. You can't fight it.).
the one great thing to come out this whole ordeal was GENE SNITSKY, who
thankfully has shown me that in the matter of accidentally impregnating my
girlfriend, all I have to do is strike her in the stomach with a steel chair!
That's right. MONEY SAVED. No more obscenely expensive nurseries to decorate. No
tacky Showers that you have to actually leave the house for. No Lamaze
classes. Thanks to Gene Snitsky, you get to enjoy her three-times enlarged
titties for a few weeks without all the cost and time and mood swings you'd
normally be forced to undertake. Snitsky truly is a visionary. Unless that
"vision" is actually "seeing" that he has a horrendous acne problem, and thus
showering or doing laundry more than once a year.
Still though, through it all, I always hoped we’d get to see the whole angle play out completely culminating in the birth. As a matter of fact, I’ll leave you with a snippet of what I wrote last June, in regards to what Mr. and Mrs. Kane would have had in store for them:
One can only imagine what kind of child these two would spawn, but I think it would be pretty safe to say that it might not have the best collective balance in the world.
-I imagine that Lita's birthing would be "extreme". And I have to wonder if Lita might lose herself in the moment, and when the doctor inevitably sticks his head between her legs to "deliver" Kane Jr., she'll take him over with a flying headscissors....
-Baby Kane, would be likely be an animated child, and one can almost picture him, while teething, in a fit of anger, igniting the four corner posts of his flame-retardant baby crib at once. Also, this same skill would likely save Lita the bother of ever having to warm up Baby's bottle. I mean, why use a stove when Baby has the inherited skill to produce fire from its fingertips?
-In today's day and age, Father's are much more "hands on", so it wouldn't be too far fetched to picture The Big Red Machine taking Kane Jr. to the "office" so to speak on some sort of "Take your child to work day". Just imagine Kane dispensing thunderous chokeslams, all the while Baby Kane looks on in wonder from a specially designed harness on his chest?
-Things MAY get a little more difficult as the child grows, though. To the surprise of probably no one, thanks to at least half its parentage, Baby Kane will likely be constantly accidentally injuring the other children, while all the while botching simple "spots" like climbing onto a tricycle. Thankfully though, thanks to Papa, Kane Jr. will be able to simply shrug off the pain and continue his day of immobilizing the remaining neighborhood children with his uncoordinated juvenile offense....
Ric Flair:This was a year of great exposure (umm, literally) for Slick Ric , first with a best selling DVD and book followed up by legal fallout of exposing “slick dick” to a stewardess aboard 2002’s much ballyhooed “Flight from Hell”. (And I thought I was the only one who did this!).
Flair also meets President Bush, which is ironic because if certain rumors are true, Flair hasn’t met a “bush” he didn’t like! Apparently the Nature Boy even got to ride on Air Force one, but thankfully aboard THIS plane, he managed to keep his pants on.
finally, Ric draws much controversy when he makes derogatory comments about both
Mick Foley and Bret Hart, first in his aforementioned book, then on many
interviews. Flair’s comments that perennial favorite Mick Foley was a glorified
stuntman is met with criticism, where as his accusations that Bret Hart was a
mediocre wrestler sparks a huge debate as to whom was *really* the better of the
two. The sharpshooter or the figure four? WCW’s best or WWF’s best? Limousine
rides… or rides on ten speed bicycles!? Maybe not that last one.
Brock Lesnar: Brock Lesnar was supposed to be the future of the WWE, but now, almost a year later, he’s sitting at home, left with only a plane, the discontinued number 69 jersey on his back, and Sable. (I chose to list Sable lower than the plane because it has much fewer miles on it…).
Brock started off the year turning back the AWESOME challenge of Bob Holly, who was still riding off the laurels of a HUGE 1995 Mantaur victory, then worked Goldberg in maybe the worst match (yet most perversely amusing) in Wrestlemania history. The crowd completely turned on both men as that new fangled internet thingy Vince didn’t think mattered leaked both their departures a week before the event. THERE GOES THE PAIN.
Brock then left WWE that same night in hopes of making it in the NFL, despite not ever having any football experience. Brock’s NFL hopes were well documented (Even by me), but eventually he was cut from the practice squad, but not before The Vikings "initiated" him by apparently good-naturedly gang-piling on him and pinning him down. In prison, this is an event that usually scars one for life. But in Football, it's apparently something to be applauded. Whatever you say.
Chris Benoit: Chris Benoit was 2004’s big success story. First “The Wolverine” wins the Royal Rumble in convincing fashion, winning a victory for Vanilla midgets everywhere! (although, I always assumed the reason why Show held on so long in there was because he truly believed he was made of Vanilla and hoped to eventually consume him). Benoit then follows that up with an AWESOME win at Wrestlemania XX over HHH and HBK when he cleanly defeats Triple H by making him tap out to the crossface. But no worries. HHH still got all the spotlight. He just had to find a new way to hold up his umm, Cerebral Pants for 6 months.
following month Benoit was honored in his hometown of
Atlanta GA.. Edmonton
Alberta and “Chris Benoit Day” was declared. We in the Carless household
celebrated the occasion unconventionally, deciding to buck trends and simply
have an evening of quiet worship before celebrating "The Wolverine" with a
bountiful supper, devouring a special turkey with wings two sizes too small in
Mordecai: Earlier this year, vignettes began to appear on SmackDown promoting the arrival of an insane religious zealot who promised to destroy all sinners. And no, his name was not George Bush. Mordecai eventually appeared, and chose his first “sinner” to smite in... Scotty 2 Hotty? Whose big “sin” was apparently having a fucking tired and outdated gimmick. BURN IN HELL, MOTHERFUCKER.
But something funny happened when Mordecai appeared. Something just didn’t look right. In fact, Mordy looked less like an intimidating monster, and more like Double J Jeff Jarrett circa 1994 (only exchange “country music superstar” for umm, punisher of wayward souls?).
Anyway, Mordecai just didn’t work out quite the way Vince had planned, and as fast as he arrived he was gone from the WWE. (RAPTURED?). It’s too bad too, because one would think that Mordecai just might have a wee bit of trouble finding another line of work. I mean, you try getting a regular 9 to 5 job when you have “The Lord’s Avenging Angel” on your resume.
Bret Hart: There’s no doubt Bret’s had a bad streak of luck in recent years. But finally, that’s all seemed to changed for the Hitman. First he's re-married to a nice Italian girl (whom if Ex-Julie is any indication he'll likely fatten up, as opposed to other way around for once.) And from there, he’s seemingly moved on with his life, choosing to mend his ailing heart in the one place he finally found comfort: the magical and mystical world of the Djinn! That’s right. Who has time to bring up bad memories of Montreal when you’re practicing 6000 year old black magic? And unlike when he left WWF the first time, all he'll be doing is GIVING THE RUB. Because, you see, that's how you get Genies out of the lamps and, umm never mind.
But seriously, you can see Bret Hart currently performing as “Genie” in the stage production of “Aladdin” complete with a pair of Hammer-esque balloon pants that he should have probably been “excellently executed” for ever putting on. (No word on whether he insisted on using the SAME 5 lines over and over again during the play, though).
Highlights and Lowlights:
2004 was a year of highs and lows in the world of wrestling; Here’s what some of my colleagues thought of the year that was and their highlights and lowlights:
Justin Shapiro: (Wrestling Observer) Well the best moment is quite obviously Benoit at Wrestlemania, winning and celebrating with Guerrero. But Guerrero at No Way Out and Benoit at the Rumble were each almost as great. And the fact that it happened three consecutive months to end three consecutive PPVs is where the true boneriffic value comes from.
Personal lowlight has to be Layfield winning the WWE title. Because it was so wrong and so UNEXPECTED. Although I did expect SummerSlam to do the exact opposite finish with HHH and UT celebrating in the ring with the belts while everyone is sad....
Dave Gagnon: Highlight Of The Year: Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, both champions, hug as WMXX ends. It felt very real, very emotional. A fitting end to what should be a memorable show.
Lowlight Of The Year: Brock Lesnar quits wrestling for the NFL. I was a huge Lesnar fan and he was already really good for a young wrestler. Too bad he went from one of the best wrestlers in North America to a guy who didn't even made the practice roster in the NFL
Simon: 2004 Highlight:
Benoit and Eddie celebrating at WMXX. Two of the greatest workers ever get a
long-deserved push, capped off by winning two of the best matches in WM history.
I marked out like nobody's business. For a moment, it looked like Vince actually
GOT IT. Six months later, we had HHH and JBL as our champs, which leads us
2004 Lowlight: HHH beats RKO for the belt. Just when it looks like there's gonna be one star made this year, the Captain Hazelwood of pro wrestling wrecks it and in doing so, made Raw as difficult to sit through as Smackdown.
Michael Melchor: Let's see, what did I love AND hate about this year? Both of those are easy...
What I loved: was WrestleMania XX. The show, top to bottom, had the feel of an EVENT - as well it should since that's how it was designed. And rather than highlight that EVENT with some old fart cupping his hand to his ear, we got to see the passing of the torch to 2 deserving stars that we now know should turn out to be WWE Hall Of Famers once it's all said and done.
What I hated: was BOTH the Diva Search AND the new
incarnation of "Tough Enough" I've never liked "reality TV", nor will I
ever. So, why the hell am I having to sit through it during wrestling??
Dr. Gonzo: highlight: The rise of Chris Benoit. The push of Benoit was done so well that there was no complaining against it. It had everything going for it that made guessing an outcome at WM20 completely random. Any outcome was viable and that is just great booking, especially using the character of Triple H and his past to book a brilliant match. They used the IWC's own opinions to just build the Benoit victory up so well so when it finally happened it was a HUGE markout moment. Also, right up there is the Eddie Guerrero victory, because seeing them in the ring at WM20 each with a championship belt was absolutely shocking.
Lowlight: Once again, after all the options I could have chosen I once again go back to Benoit and Guerrero. The lowlight to me was how their rise to the top ended up simply as transitions. Eddie and Benoit's victory's serve nothing now because they pretty much have no chance of getting the belts back anytime soon. And until they win the title's again, they'll be nothing more than transitional champs. Does that take away from their initial victories? I say until they win it again, then yes.
Remy: (HTM.com)"There is no doubt that the title runs of Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit was the best thing to happen to internet wrestling fans in just about all of history, but definitely this year."
thing about this past year is that Jericho and Christian still haven't been
pushed the way they deserve to be, in my opinion."
Richard Waters: Highlight: For me it would easily be Benoit's win at WrestleMania. In a time when kayfabe is dead and everyone knows about politics, it was nice to have one true mark out moment in wrestling.
Lowlight: JBL winning over Eddie. The guy has had funny
moments as a champ, but overall he is very boring. I was willing to give him a
chance, but it just bores me to tears. Not that any SD! champ since the brand
extension started has captured my interest...
Renee: Highlight: Trish's heel turn - Best turn ever !!
Lowlight: Brock leaving the WWE - Biggest low blow this year.
(HTM.com) Highlight: Although
I'm not a fan, I think Benoit walking out of WrestleMania as the World Champion
is the highlight, he is simply too good not to have gotten the chance to be
recognized as a champion. He made Stu Hart very proud!
Lowlight :WWE's decision to add yet more PPV's to an already obese calendar of events. Gone are the days when we could not wait the typical 1 to 3 months between PPV's. Now there is basically one a week!
Duck: Highlight - bye bye to the useless tossers
(A-Train, Gunn etc)
Lowlight - Search for some Kleenex...er...divas
Burge: Highlight of the
Year: Eddie and Benoit celebrating together at the end of Wrestlemania was just
one of those can't miss moments. The people had been begging for these two for
years and in a surreal moments they stood together victorious. Simply
Lowlight: The return of the Outsiders at TNA's first PPV had to be the single WORST idea ever, and that's saying something in a year where we saw a pregnancy angle, a retard wrestling, and The Diva Search.
Canadian Bacon: Highlight: Great wrestlers like Mabel finally come home to WWF!!!! The bar has just been raised! A few more inches and it'll be off the ground for sure!
Lowlight: Prolly the time I tried to give myself a blowjob with my shopvac and turned my urethra inside out.
The following is random out of context quotes from various columns and rants of mine during this year:
-Lance Storm is in the ring and finally disposes of the dancing gimmick, but surprisingly makes no mention of "not really having a gigantic penis" as WWE storylines had suggested. Can't say I blame him.
-Someone made mention to me that Shelton bore a striking resemblance to "Bubba" from Forrest Gump. I didn't think too much about it until Steve Austin gave him a pep talk. Seriously, "Bubba" buddying up with a redneck with heavy knee braces? Could we be seeing the formation of our very own version of the Bubba Gump shrimp company? Shrimpin' ain't easy!
- (On Evolution) I heard they were going to actually call themselves the Horsemen, but Batista took it a little literally and figured that'd mean HHH would shoot him with a shotgun and put him out of his misery because he keeps getting injured all the fucking time.
-Ric Flair yells that he told The Dudley's someone was going to get put through a table tonight. Umm, obviously. That's kinda the whole point of the match there, Naitch. That'd be like someone saying after the Tour De France "I told you someone would ride a bicycle here tonight!".
-Blind Nidia gets involved, tripping up Noble by *accident*. Damn you, Nidia! This just proves once and for all that you can never trust a blind person. I mean, look at that Stevie Wonder. His eyes are all shifty all the time. You can just tell he's up to something! Oh, that's a lack of muscle control brought on by perpetual blindness? My bad.
-The end of Los Guerreros. No more lying, cheating and stealing. Ah, what a shame. Who'd ever think a relationship built entirely on indulgences and being a really horrible person could go so wrong? What a head scratcher.
-(on Chris Benoit's World Title hopes) My theory on that has always been that the company always wanted to put the belt on him, but since he's physically unable to reach behind his back with his arms to fasten the strap, it was just awkward for everyone.
-(On Lesnar vs. Holly) For a guy so terrified of a dude whose career highlights include knowing the location of every strobe light on every ceiling in every arena across the country, he opts to STOP THIS BY GAWD TERROR with a... BEAR HUG? Seriously. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR STALKING AND PLAGUING ME WITH YOUR UNRELENTING REVENGE THAT I SHALL WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU FOR 3 STRAIGHT MINUTES DOING NOTHING, SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY WRATH!".
-(On HHH & HBK's "Draw" in a Last Man Standing match): Man, I wonder if this also happens in other games between these two friends. I can just imagine a spirited game of chess between them, with each about to have checkmate, when suddenly, they just look at each other and keel over simultaneously. Stephanie then runs out, clears the board quickly, calls it a draw; they wake up, pin Rob Van Dam, and everybody's happy!
-Tajiri then unmasks Shinobi after the match revealing him to in fact be Al Snow, as I lower my head and deep down wish that all unrelenting silent-assassins could be such good father figures.
-(On a terrible Divas match) You know the Ric Flair analogy with the broomstick? Well, this would be just like that, if you took out Flair and put another broom in there.
-Raw comes to us tonight from Calgary, land of the Harts and the only place in the world where cowboys have to shovel their driveways in the winter
-Lillian Garcia during Jericho's entrance announces him from "WINNETOBA". Winnetoba? Wow, someone sure broke out the big Atlas of imaginary places. However, for all you Geography nuts out there, for the record, Winnetoba is of course located between the provinces of "Halberta" and "Blontario".
- It's good to see Gail Kim still representing "Korea" as apparently the two countries have put their differences aside long enough and amalgamated for the sake of WWE hometown continuity.
-After the match, Kane makes his way to the ring, and corners Lita while JR spouts off like this was the most reprehensible act in history. I find it extremely ironic that when this particular bald guy accosts a helpless woman, Ross finds it deplorable. Huh, maybe Kane should move to Texas and take up beer drinking?...
-Not to be outdone by the return of classic Undertaker, Andre the Giant, too, will be returning under his "deadman gimmick".
-Tammy Sytch, the former Sunny in the WWF, recently announced her *Retirement* from Professional Wrestling. She cited the reason she could no longer perform was that she tore her quad. However, thankfully, this injury will not prevent her from participating in her true passion- EATING.
- I'm thinking that since Ric Flair's been around for about 30 years, that we can go ahead and call him "Nature Man" now.
- Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty's popularity might be the only time I can remember where people actually celebrate the combination of "ass" and "worms" at the same time.
-After the match Batista delivers a spinebuster and a Demon-bomb as green begins to trickle from Tajiri's mouth that I'll assume is just the "mist", because if it isn't, man, I suggest transporting him back to Romulus as fast as possible for medical attention...
-(On Gail Kim, Nidia and Jacqueline in a match) A black woman, a Hispanic and an oriental all in one match? When did WWE get into Affirmative Action? For the record though, if these women offered me some "action" I'd definitely answer "affirmative"...
-Shelton Benjamin then interrupts and demands a shot at Randy's IC Title. Orton refuses though, because "Shelton's kind are too uppity" and he doesn't want to "soil the title". Man, it's hard to believe that in this day and age, there's still so much prejudice against amateur wrestlers....
-Is it just me, or is Rock's tattoo eating him alive? By this time next year, Rocky should just be a pair of fucking eyes floating to the ring...
- Gail Kim works the submissions here and Lita actually sells! I start to rub my eyes in disbelief but forget I still have lotion on them...uh never mind... But it stings...oh does it sting.
-HHH comes out for the inevitable ego fuck interview. He says that HBK is a religious man, but he is not, and that he'll "See HBK in Hell!!!"...Um, no he won't. I kind of thought that was the whole point of Christianity.
-Well, I guess we can file the Grenier "babyface reaction" under fluke from last week. Unfortunately, the only "face pops" he can now look forward to will come from Patterson...
-HBK does rally and seemingly channels The Lord, returning from the dead here. Hey, I wonder if he can turn water into wine too? If so, that pretty much explains his friendship with Scott Hall..
-Back in the ring, JR has apparently decided that this rivalry between HHH and HBK has gone on long enough. Hey, where were you two years ago, Jim?...
- (On Rhyno choosing Val Venis as a tag team partner one week) And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what a Rhino and porn star would have in common….well, besides always penetrating people with their “horn.
-This was the hugest squash since HHH let Steph ride missionary on his Wedding night.
-Michael Cole makes mention that Bradshaw is an "ass-kicker", although I think he just does that to loosen it up for later.
-They recap The Undertaker "Ring" shtick from RAW with Kane. And 7 days have passed, and Kane is still alive, so he must've made a copy of that video. If not? Try A-Train, I heard he's a movie Buff!
-(On Rey Mysterio flirting with women) Although in my experience, Women don't usually take to the guys who approach them in masks. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
-Haven't you ever notice that whenever a wrestler buys a "ticket" to a PPV, that he only shows up 3/4 through the show? It doesn't say too much when your own paid employees can't stomach the full three hours..
-Eddie Guerrero comes out and "shoots" on himself, saying that he is going take this Title reign the same way he does his alcohol and drug recovery, one day at a time. I commend you Eddie! In fact, let us all drink a toast to Eddie Guerrero!..
-WWE.com apparently forgot to mention the real COUPS of the Draft...FiFi the poodle!, who apparently has jumped ship along with Rene Dupree. Well, maybe being accompanied by a sad emasculated creature that prances and preens for a cruel master reminds him of former running buddy Sylvain Grenier, who knows?
-For the record, apparently Bubba Ray's ridiculous tiny shorts were also drafted. Dear god. If I wanted to see a grown man try and squeeze into a pair of Children's pants, I'd just hang out with Rob Feinstein.
-Theodore Long approaches Shannon Moore, Orlando Jordan and Spike Dudley. He says that he's looking for a man with a perfect body and cover-boy looks. Just then, I get the mental image of Patterson yelling out, "Teddy, you can have him when I'm done!"
- (On Big Show chokeslamming Kurt Angle off a stage) All that was missing from this ridiculousness was the Wile E. Coyote dust cloud at the bottom during the point of impact. We then see Angle in a heap with blood trickling from the back of his head, as Show yells "What a pussy! Kobo Hall was way higher than this and I'm fine!" Ok, I made that part up.
-I guess Booker T's done with the Voodoo gimmick. It's really too bad, too, because I was looking forward to the next Originals CD where he'd cover the James Brown song "Papa Shango's got a brand new bag"...
-Taker's still sporting a pretty decent tan for the record, which is usually not that common with zombies. I mean you don't see Jason Voorhees hit the tanning salons with any sort of regularity, do you?
-Backstage we get Todd Grisham stopping Chris for a post-match interview where Benoit says that he's for real, then goes into how he's for real, before closing on how he's...umm, for real. So, to bottom-line, Chris Benoit is for real and not just a figment of your imagination
-Ah, Vengeance. A dish best served cold. And rumor has it once Triple H heard this, he said “Save some of that for Steph…she’ll eat anything!”
-(On Steven Richards Vs. Tyson Tomko) An angry skin head doing battle with a cross dressing man? I think I saw this episode of Oz, thank you.
-Good to see Shawn back after the long road to recovery, that included a stop at the Republican National Convention. Because let’s face it, what’s really more important, nursing potential life threatening injuries, or convincing a few misguided souls to get out there and vote? Lesser men would just die from hemorrhaging that much blood, but not this man. He HAD no time for such frivolous things like bleeding to death when there’s still so many undecided voters! God bless this courageous patriot.
-You know, I’m actually convinced that the real reason HHH seems so desperate to get his hands on the Belt again is because he thinks there’s ten pounds of chocolate under the gold foil.
-What you have here is the classic battle of Eddie’s lying, cheating and stealing Vs. Luther’s lying…..on the ground bleeding to death? I mean, according to WWE, Reigns was shot, stabbed and even had his throat cut….Geez, how tough is it in OVW?....
-We then hear Cole once again insist that Show’s HAIRCUT was “raping his dignity”. Note to Supercuts employees, if you see a seven footer approaching the store, LOCK THE DOOR. Last thing you need is stigma of RAPIST following you around...
-By now you all know that Suzuki was to debut as Hirohito, but the whole thing was scrapped when someone realized creating a character to gain some good ole fashioned WRESTLING REVENGE against America for that whole "Hiroshima thing" might in be in poor taste. Go figure. Although, part of me is saddened by this. I mean, I can't be the only one who'd laugh when whomever was feuding with Hirohito would bring in ADAM BOMB to finally end the rivalry, can I?
-Paul Heyman is seen backstage, cutting a promo on a bound and gagged Paul Bearer. He tells Paul that tonight he'll be suffocated in cement whether Undertaker does the right thing or not. It's funny, but after screwing over so many money lenders in ECW, I always assumed that it would be Heyman that would one day end up encased in cement, if you catch my drift.
-Undertaker & his...Mortician "shoot-fighting" gloves? Not the fine touch you'd think an embalmer would need, but what do I know? I mean, who knows when Royce Gracie might be hiding in the mortuary ala Kato in the Pink Panther movies, and Taker will need to throw down! Clearly, I've thought this through too much.
-I have to say that John Cena must have the best doctor in the world (or somewhere along the lines he was able to drink from the cup of Christ) to come back this fast from being STABBED and “almost losing a KIDNEY” as Cole pointed out. And all with no VISIBLE SCARS to boot. Man, he must have the same surgeon that treated Kane's burns! It all makes sense now! And wait. Wasn’t Luther also stabbed once? Yet, HERE HE IS, TOO. All this proves to me is how much of a PUSSY that Bruiser Brody must have been to DIE from these same injuries! Haha.
- (On a JOSH MATTHEWS run-in during the JBL & Booker T.): This brings out Booker T's big savior... Josh Matthews?! Dear lord. Ya, when you're up to your eyeballs in trouble, who better to come to your aid then a 150 pound guy that 90% of the crowd doesn't even recognize. HARLEM HEATLESS~!
-Maria approaches Eric Bischoff and questions him on the State of Maven. Holy shit, they added a State called Maven to the Union? I can just picture it. Completely barren, except for one long hedge that runs concurrently across the entire state.
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