Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
Week 1: Down to the Basics.
By Sean Carless
PREFACE: I hate reality TV. I deplore it. Survivor is the same exact fucking show for 8 years straight. "Man, did you see that Episode of Survivor where those filthy shirtless people did that stunt while that one person schemed and betrayed people they promised to stick by?" YES, YOU HAVE. Every week. FOREVER. It's the same types of people doing the same exact same shit year after year. NOTHING EVER CHANGES. 
Then, after some deep reflecting, I realized that, holy shit, that whole line of thinking also describes my beloved wrestling, so I quickly shut my hole. So, ya, here we are. An unholy union between wrestling & reality TV, and me actually covering it in my special little retarded way. Who'd have thunk it? Everybody? Maybe. Let's get to it~!
"In the world of professional wrestling, one man is King: Hulk Hogan."   Just ignore the part where he had to abdicate his umm, throne because he tore his ACL getting off the sofa.

That's right, it's the debut of Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling! Brought to you tonight (albeit late) by Yours Me'ly, because, well, someone had to do it, damn it! I'm totally taking one for the team here. You should be thanking me. I'm kind of like the recapping version of Spock locking himself in that radiation room. The good of the many and all that jazz. Hell, I even tried passing my collective knowledge via mind-meld to Joe, but strangely, it only took about 5 seconds to complete. I have no idea what happened...
That said, you can catch CCW every Saturday on CMT at 2PM, which if you're like me, means you're the saddest human being on earth because you chose to watch Screech from Saved From The Bell throw a fucking dropkick rather than leave the confines of your little rats-nest and actually venture out into the world on a weekend like everyone else. We're such losers.

As for the show itself, well, the concept here is SIMPLE. Ten *ahem* celebrities compete on split teams of five--with one being eliminated each week by judge's vote (and not say, firing squad as I'd have elected) to earn the chance to win the COVETED CCW CHAMPIONSHIP . A belt whose rich legacy--much like the NWA title-- can be traced back to the early 1900's when  "Bronco" Buster Keaton first pinned Al Jolson to bring it all home in a match referee'd by Hollywoodland Hogan (Hogan having debuted just three years before in 1906). True Story.
Your host here of course is the only man able to backstroke 20,000 screamin' maniacs to safety aboard his barn door back, yet not hold his marriage together, or keep his son from using a buddy as a crash test dummy, that Stark Ravin' Hulkster, Dude. And your coaches are (which to me would be the equivalent of picking up (scraping up?) Sonny Bono as your skiing instructor) Brutus Beefcake & Nasty Boy Brian Knobs. That's right, "The Nasty Boys" is no longer pluralized, because, judging by his current girth, sometime between the casting of this show and now, Knobs may have consumed partner Jerry Sags whole--bones and all.
As for your three judges, they are Jimmy Hart, The Hulkster himself, and of course Eric Bischoff-- the show's producer along with Jason Hervey; whom as I understand it is the brother of Jeff Harvey--if my source Mike Adamle is to be believed. Eric is very obviously portraying the Simon Cowell role of antagonist here and constantly hammers home the fact that he once ran the number one Wrestling company on earth. The RAW Brand? Oh. He meant WCW. My bad. But hey, isn't that kind of like the captain of the Titanic saying that he once captained the largest and most celebrated luxury liner in the world? A little convenient lack of full disclosure here, me thinks.
As for the "Celebrities" themselves, here is your list:
Danny Bonaduce - Television and radio host, reality star and actor from The Partridge Family; and quite frankly, sufferer from the medical condition known as "Fred Savage Syndrome"; wherein they start off as appealing and cute as small children, but around puberty, their heads grow to near Galactus-like proportions whilst the diminutive state of their bodies remain in stasis. (other sufferers of this calamity are Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz). Bonaduce also suffers from a case of Carrot Top/Piscapo-itis, wherein the unappealing Raggedy Andy look of their person drives them to the point where they sculpt their bodies into a state of extreme musculature if only to distract from their general face/head region. He also suffers from being an Asshole. The case unfortunately is terminal.

Todd Bridges -   Actor on Different Strokes;  reformed drug addict. It's true. And ya, you might want to stay away from Brother Bruti's duffle-bag, bro. Unless you like flying off that wagon you've been on. Oh, and all I know is, at some point, Todd Bridges better produce Gary Coleman from under the ring ala Hornswoggle or color me disappointed.
Butterbean - super-heavyweight boxer.  Super heavyweight? Surely you jest.
Nikki Ziering -   Super heavyweight BOX. That's right, she once had Steve Sanders himself, Ian Ziering inside her! And enjoyed it so much, she kicked him to the curb but kept the man's entire identity. She was also a former Playboy Playmate, held the prestigious Plinko chips on Price Is Right whilst watching Bob Barker insanely cut the testicles from random domesticated animals, and showed her tig ole bitties in American Wedding. She gave me a Stifler! HIYO~! Yes, it's going to be that kind of report.
Trishelle Cannatella - Reality TV star on Real World: Las Vegas; and not say a popular hazelnut paste perfect for spreading on sandwiches. Live and learn.
Dustin Diamond -   Actor on Saved by the Bell; known for his patented mustache even more than Hogan. Only it's produced from his asshole and wiped on some poor chick's face. Be thankful you never saw his porn video. Trust me. Seeing Screech deliver a dirty sanchez  (I've always preferred my own patented term, Poo Manchu) is a sight no person should bear witness to. Mr. Belding would definitely NOT approve.
Erin Murphy - Actress on Bewitched. To me, Erin is a conundrum. She's actually ten years older than me or so, yet, I only remember her being a small child on Bewitched. So this creates a paradox of conscience when it comes to masturbating to her, you see. It's one that's kept me up late at night. Masturbating. But definitely not feeling good about it. Much. Anyway, as a tip of the witches hat to her TV mom, Samantha, I hope at some point, she wiggles her nose. But then again, Brutus would probably think that it was some sort of subtle code for cocaine and get the wrong idea. But no worries, he brought the giant shears anyway! (Razor blades got nothing on their blow cuttin' abilities!).
Dennis Rodman - five-time (Five-time, Five-time, Five-time, Five-time) NBA champion. Had sex with Carmen Electra before she became all used up, despite he himself looking like he was hung in an Indian Smokehouse for 12 weeks and slept on a Newspaper. He's clearly the frontrunner here based on his previous experience with Bischoff and Hulk. I mean, nWo 4 Life, right? I mean, Crush, Hennig & Rude all took it to the grave, why can't anyone else?
Frank Stallone - Actor, singer, Sylvester Stallone's brother; I love how being someone's brother is a career accomplishment. That's just awesome. So, ya, thanks Rambo's Mom for lettin' Dad drop his DNA in your lovehole to spawn Rocky. Frank would totally not be here if it wasn't for the fact that you already birthed the one with talent.
Tiffany - ’80s pop ICON. Uh, oh. Hulk's not going to like that. I for one can't wait until she puts Hogan to sleep at Starrcade '96 to prove her dominance on this brazen claim.
-The show is now underway, as the Celebrities introduce themselves with such pearls as "they will bring it", "I'm up for the challenge!" " I'm here to kick ass". Just then, the big book of silly clichés falls out of their pockets and everything gets all awkward.
Hulk Hogan now makes his appearance, dude, and he's serious business, bruther. Wrestling is an ART-FORM says he. Maybe when someone else does it, bruther. Hulk's clearly the equivalent of the "artist" that makes sculptures out of garbage and discarded tin cans and people buy it anyway. But hey, it's the thought that counts-- the thought being that I'm pretty sure, at some point, Hulk is winding up with this fucking belt himself. (and slamming Butterbean, just because. Him being there is like putting a bowl of crank in front of Amy Winehouse. HE JUST CANNOT RESIST). Hulk then cuts them down, saying they have personality (Ya, Butterbean is a real charismatic dynamo) but now need to learn the skills. Umm, since when? Buddy didn't finish Andre with a 450 at Wrestlemania, after all. Hulk then tells them that they're all competing for: THE CCW BELT . Danny Bonaduce says he's already broken a commandment by coveting it. Which commandment is that? Hulk only has 4. Oh, he meant that other guy with the ability to no sell certain death that had a shitty disciple who betrayed him. My mistake.
The ten celebrities then divide into two teams. Team Beefcake and Team Nasty. Team Beefcake consists of Danny Bonaduce,Tiffany, Butterbean, Todd Bridges and Trishelle. Team Nasty consists of  Dennis Rodman, Erin Murphy, Nikki Ziering, Frank Stallone and Dustin Diamond--whom better call his finish the "Dustin Diamond Cutter", or at the very least, the "Turd-Cutter" in honor of that aforementioned video. It'd bring a whole new disturbing meaning to Page's catchphrase "Feel the bang!" Trust me.
This week, the two teams learn the BASICS before heading to the ring:  Kick to the mid-section, forearm smash, and clothesline. Well, that's about three more than The Great Khali, and he got a World Title reign.  And it's three more moves until they pass Cena. Clearly, they're truly on their way to super-stardom! WORLD TITLES HERE THEY COME.
Everyone pretty much fucks up the mid-section kick, with Todd Bridges accidentally kicking someone in the bag. WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, BRUTUS. Nikki also has no concept of what she's doing either. But then again, she usually does her best work whilst on her knees eye to eye with the mid-section, so I'll cut her some slack. Or give her some. Three guesses from where.
Anyway, Beefcake's big solution is to have them all kick the air first. I think guys like poor Nathan Jones never got past this stage, so, the Celebrities win this round.
They practice the clotheslining next, with Knobs teaching them how to fall first. Aww shit, son, JR is going to be pissed. "There's probably some idiot out there saying but they know how to fall!" But hey, when Frank Stallone picks it up inside 5 minutes, maybe it's time to think of a new catchphrase. BODIES BROKEN. CAREERS ENDED IN AN INSTANT (HOPEFULLY IN THIS CASE).  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.  Well, unless you have at least five minutes of training first.
From there, the celebrities all complain about the pain of falling, except Erin, who puts over that she's had six kids (At least we know she puts out!) so she knows that pain already. Wait. What? All six of her kids came flying out after a clothesline? Good thing she never married JBL or Stan Hansen. I don't wish stillbirth on anyone. Bar maybe Billy Gunn's parents.
After learning three holds, the celebrities are ready to hit the ring! Frank A. Gotch is rolling over in his grave. But mostly because he's a WREFTLING PURIFT and no-sells death just like your puny unrealistic sports-entertainment offense! But first, Beefcake & Knobs give a crash course on the subtle differences between being a face and a heel. Wait. Beefcake is doing this? BEEFCAKE? BROTHER BRUTI/BUTCHER/ MAN WITH NO NAME/ ZODIAC/BOOTYMAN/ DISCIPLE say "hi". I guess he's going to pretend that 1994-1998 WCW never happened. (I know Vince has ;)).
Wait. Something is very familiar here. It looks like they stole the WSX set-up out of the garbage like Kramer did with the Merv Griffin set. That's just awesome. Maybe Bischoff can also get that dude from the San Diego Zoo to make an appearance?
The crowd is already going CRAZY. They're even chanting "CCW!" before anything even happens, which just might be the saddest thing I've ever heard. That's like giving a movie a standing ovation during the coming attractions. I'm not going to say this is a gimmicked crowd or anything, but I think I just saw the fucking Stunt Granny.
(TEAM BEEFCAKE) Butterbean & Trishelle vs. Danny Bonaduce & Tiffany's big titties w/ Todd Bridges in their corner.
Ok, what the fuck. They learn three moves, and suddenly they're having a full match out there? Clearly, Johnny Ace needs to put his dick away at the club in Florida and move FCW here, because I'll be damned if this not the fastest wrestling turnover ever. Holy shit, Bischoff. CCW this week is the equivalent of watching Star Wars, and after the opening crawl, Vader is telling Luke that he's his father.
Oh, and Butterbean pins Bonaduce with Mark Henry's finish, the World's Strongest Slam. Aim for the stars, man. I'd tell you more, but I AM NOT DOING BLOW BY BLOW ON A DANNY BONADUCE MATCH.
After the match, Trishelle knocks out Bridges, who DID NOTHING at ringside. Apparently he graduated from the Bam Neeley school of managing. (it's just a stones throw (stoners throw?) away from the institution that educated the feet of X-Pac and RVD, and right down the road from Warrior University. True story.).
(TEAM NASTY) Frank Stallone & Dustin Diamond w/ Nikki Ziering vs. Erin Murphy & Dennis Rodman
Rodman and Dustin start things off. AND THERE IS THE KICK TO THE MID-SECTION~! SHADES OF ARN ANDERSON...DOING A REALLY SHITTY KICK TO THE MID-SECTION AND EXPOSING THE BUSINESS! Erin in now, and she kicks Screech with the midsection kick, but he NO SELLS. SHADES OF UMM, ROAD WARRIOR COCK! (Don't watch his movie! I'm begging you!). Screech then bullies her in the corner and unloads. At least it wasn't a clothesline, so we were spared seeing child # 7 explode from her time-tested womb here. Tag to Stallone who puts Erin in the sleeper. Funny, whenever I put a chokehold on a woman, I get 8-10 in prison, not adulation, what's this guy's big secret? Tag back out to Screech, who ties Erin in the Tree of Woe. If only Joey Lawrence or Keanu Reeves was one of the celebrities here. That'd be their finisher! WOAH.  Erin with the hot tag to Rodman, who comes in a house of fire, or genitals of fire, if his sexual history has anything to say about it. Big clothesline to both Stallone & Screech. FLYING CLOTHESLINE from the 2nd rope to Screech and that does it. Poor Screech. Perhaps he should have taken more lessons from his buddy, AC Slater.  Now that dude could wrestle. And wear comically tiny zubaz pants. Tough break.
Winners: Dennis Rodman & Erin Murphy.
Back from commercials and it's time to can a celebrity, bruther. Hulk declares that tonight, TEAM NASTY has won by proxy of the better match, and this week they are exempt from being cut. This might be the only time in history Brian Knobs "and great wrestling performance" have been uttered in the same sentence. Add one sweaty armpit to the mix, and Knobs has probably passed the full gamut of his knowledge onto his team already.
This leaves a member of Team Beefcake on the (struttin' and) cuttin' block. Bischoff says that Trishelle has a good look, and he'd really like to watch her go down on his wife in the back room of the Gold Club. Ok, he didn't, but you know, based on the man's history, he was thinking it. Bottom line is she is safe.  Jimmy Hart tells Danny Bonaduce that he really caught fire tonight. Oh, that's why he looked like a 7/11 rotisserie hotdog out there! It all makes sense! Ahem. He is also safe. Hulk Hogan then puts over Butterbean, but says he can't work the "Hulk Hogan style" in this day and age. What, bald, uncoordinated & ridiculous? Butter is also safe. And Delicious.
We are down to two. Todd Bridges and Tiffany.  Different Strokes vs. LOTS OF STROKES. (I still have her Playboy). Hulk tells Tiffany that she had good showmanship, but lacked in-ring ability .  Huh. The guy throws one Ensiguiri in 30 years, and he's suddenly a workrate expert? Maybe Tiff should have taken a page from Hulk and just tore her shirt off?  I know my little Hulkster would have surely appreciated it ( Fun Fact: He's bald too!). Unfortunately, that's not enough to get it done, bruther. She gets the axe, dude. Hulk tells her to get out of his ring and calls her a jabroni. But not before privately mentioning he'll be by later to scoop slam and pin her in that order. Maybe.
Tiffany then gives the stereotypical loser interview. "She had fun" and it was a "great experience". Wait. It was? How is that even possible? "I'm just happy I got the chance to be potentially crippled by untrained imbeciles for maybe 100,000 people tops on a channel that's been airing the same concert from the Grand Ole Opry for 40 years!"
FINAL THOUGHTS: You'd think my incessant barrage of jokes and insults would mean that I did not like this product, but motherfucker, YOU BE WRONG. This is the greatest concept I've ever seen in my life and I support it wholeheartedly. Or in the case of the ladies wholepenisedly. If somehow, next season, they can sign the dude who ran the Peach pit on 90210 to compete, I can surely die a happy man.
So, yes, I loved it.  In fact, I laugh at the irony that Eric Bischoff has once again put on a more entertaining all-around product than Vince McMahon, even ten years removed from the last time. And I once again look forward to it all crumbling again when he signs Danny Bonaduce and Dustin Diamond to guaranteed 5 million dollar contracts. What can you do? Not give Butterbean a creative control clause and let Frank Stallone sing with KISS in the Main event slot? Probably.
I'm Sean.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).