Then, after
some deep reflecting, I realized that,
holy shit, that whole line of
thinking also describes my beloved wrestling,
so I quickly shut my hole. So, ya, here we
are. An unholy union between wrestling &
reality TV, and me actually covering
it in my special little retarded way. Who'd
have thunk it? Everybody? Maybe. Let's get to
it~!
"In the world of
professional wrestling, one man is King: Hulk
Hogan." Just ignore the
part where he had to abdicate his umm, throne
because he tore his ACL getting off the
sofa.
That's right, it's the debut
of Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship
Wrestling! Brought to you tonight (albeit late) by
Yours Me'ly, because, well, someone had to do it,
damn it! I'm totally taking one for the team here.
You should be thanking me. I'm kind of
like the recapping version of Spock locking
himself in that radiation room. The good of the
many and all that jazz. Hell, I even tried
passing my collective knowledge via mind-meld
to Joe, but strangely, it only took about 5
seconds to complete. I have no idea what
happened...
That
said, you can catch CCW every Saturday on CMT
at 2PM, which if you're like me, means you're the
saddest human being on earth because you chose to
watch Screech from Saved From The Bell throw a
fucking dropkick rather than leave
the confines of your little rats-nest and
actually venture out into the world on a weekend
like everyone else. We're such
losers.

As for the
show itself, well, the concept here is
SIMPLE. Ten *ahem* celebrities compete on split
teams of five--with one being eliminated each week
by judge's vote (and not say, firing squad as I'd
have elected) to earn the chance to win the
COVETED CCW
CHAMPIONSHIP . A belt whose rich
legacy--much like the NWA title-- can be traced
back to the early 1900's when "Bronco"
Buster Keaton first pinned Al Jolson to bring
it all home in a match referee'd by Hollywoodland
Hogan (Hogan having debuted just three years
before in 1906). True Story.
Your
host here of course is the only man able to
backstroke 20,000 screamin' maniacs to safety
aboard his barn door back, yet not hold his
marriage together, or keep his son from using a
buddy as a crash test dummy, that Stark
Ravin' Hulkster, Dude. And your coaches
are (which to me would be the equivalent
of picking up (scraping up?) Sonny Bono as your
skiing instructor) Brutus Beefcake &
Nasty Boy Brian Knobs. That's right, "The
Nasty Boys" is no longer pluralized, because,
judging by his current girth,
sometime between the casting of this show and
now, Knobs may have consumed
partner Jerry Sags whole--bones and
all.
As for
your three judges, they are Jimmy Hart, The
Hulkster himself, and of course Eric
Bischoff-- the show's producer along with Jason
Hervey; whom as I understand it is the brother of
Jeff Harvey--if my source Mike Adamle is to be
believed. Eric is very
obviously portraying the Simon Cowell role of
antagonist here and constantly hammers
home the fact that he once ran the number one
Wrestling company on earth. The RAW Brand? Oh. He
meant WCW. My bad. But hey, isn't that kind
of like the captain of the Titanic saying
that he once captained the largest and most
celebrated luxury liner in the world? A
little convenient lack of full disclosure here, me
thinks.
As for the
"Celebrities" themselves, here is your
list:
Danny Bonaduce -
Television and radio host, reality star and
actor from The Partridge Family; and quite
frankly, sufferer from the medical condition
known as "Fred Savage Syndrome"; wherein they
start off as appealing and cute as small
children, but around puberty, their
heads grow to near Galactus-like proportions
whilst the diminutive state of their bodies remain
in stasis. (other sufferers of this calamity are
Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie
Muniz). Bonaduce also suffers from a case of
Carrot Top/Piscapo-itis, wherein the unappealing
Raggedy Andy look of their person drives them to
the point where they sculpt their bodies into a
state of extreme musculature if only to
distract from their general face/head region. He
also suffers from being an Asshole. The case
unfortunately is terminal.
Todd
Bridges - Actor
on Different Strokes; reformed drug
addict. It's true. And ya, you might want to
stay away from Brother Bruti's duffle-bag, bro.
Unless you like flying off that wagon you've been
on. Oh, and all I know is, at some point, Todd
Bridges better produce Gary Coleman from under the
ring ala Hornswoggle or color me
disappointed.
Butterbean -
super-heavyweight boxer. Super
heavyweight? Surely you jest.
Nikki Ziering -
Super heavyweight BOX. That's right,
she once had Steve Sanders himself, Ian
Ziering inside her! And enjoyed it so much,
she kicked him to the curb but kept the man's
entire identity. She was also a former
Playboy Playmate, held the prestigious Plinko
chips on Price Is Right whilst watching Bob Barker
insanely cut the testicles from random
domesticated animals, and showed her tig ole
bitties in American
Wedding. She gave me a Stifler!
HIYO~! Yes, it's going to be that kind of
report.
Trishelle Cannatella
- Reality TV star
on Real World: Las Vegas; and not
say a popular hazelnut paste perfect for
spreading on sandwiches. Live and learn.
Dustin Diamond -
Actor on Saved by the Bell;
known for his patented mustache even more
than Hogan. Only it's produced from his asshole
and wiped on some poor chick's face. Be
thankful you never saw his porn video. Trust
me. Seeing Screech deliver a dirty
sanchez (I've always preferred my own
patented term, Poo Manchu) is a sight no person
should bear witness to. Mr. Belding would
definitely NOT
approve.
Erin Murphy -
Actress on Bewitched. To me, Erin is a
conundrum. She's actually ten years older than me
or so, yet, I only remember her being a small
child on Bewitched. So this creates a paradox of
conscience when it comes to masturbating to her,
you see. It's one that's kept me up late at night.
Masturbating. But definitely not feeling good
about it. Much. Anyway, as a tip of the
witches hat to her TV mom, Samantha, I hope at
some point, she wiggles her nose. But then
again, Brutus would probably think that
it was some sort of subtle code for
cocaine and get the wrong idea. But no worries, he
brought the giant shears anyway! (Razor blades got
nothing on their blow cuttin' abilities!).
Dennis Rodman -
five-time (Five-time, Five-time, Five-time,
Five-time) NBA champion. Had sex with Carmen
Electra before she became all used up, despite he
himself looking like he was hung in an Indian
Smokehouse for 12 weeks and slept on a Newspaper.
He's clearly the frontrunner here based on
his previous experience with Bischoff and
Hulk. I mean, nWo 4 Life, right? I mean, Crush,
Hennig & Rude all took it to the grave,
why can't anyone else?
Frank Stallone -
Actor, singer, Sylvester Stallone's
brother; I love how being someone's brother is a
career accomplishment. That's just awesome. So,
ya, thanks Rambo's Mom for lettin' Dad drop his
DNA in your lovehole to spawn Rocky. Frank would
totally not be here if it wasn't for the fact
that you already birthed the one with talent.
Tiffany -
’80s pop ICON. Uh, oh. Hulk's not going to
like that. I for one can't wait until she
puts Hogan to sleep at Starrcade '96 to prove
her dominance on this brazen claim.
-The show is
now underway, as the Celebrities introduce
themselves with such pearls as "they will bring
it", "I'm up for the challenge!" " I'm here to
kick ass". Just then, the big book of silly
clichés falls out of their pockets and
everything gets all awkward.
Hulk Hogan
now makes his appearance, dude, and he's
serious business, bruther. Wrestling is an
ART-FORM says he. Maybe when someone else does it,
bruther. Hulk's clearly the equivalent of the
"artist" that makes sculptures out of garbage and
discarded tin cans and people buy it anyway. But
hey, it's the thought that counts-- the
thought being that I'm pretty sure, at some
point, Hulk is winding up with this
fucking belt himself. (and slamming
Butterbean, just because. Him being there is like
putting a bowl of crank in front of Amy
Winehouse. HE JUST CANNOT RESIST). Hulk
then cuts them down, saying they have
personality (Ya, Butterbean is a
real charismatic dynamo) but now need
to learn the
skills. Umm, since when? Buddy
didn't finish Andre with a 450 at Wrestlemania,
after all. Hulk then tells them that they're all
competing for: THE CCW
BELT . Danny Bonaduce says he's
already broken a commandment by coveting it. Which
commandment is that? Hulk only has 4. Oh, he meant
that other guy with the ability to no
sell certain death that had a shitty
disciple who betrayed him. My
mistake.
The ten
celebrities then divide into two teams. Team
Beefcake and Team Nasty. Team Beefcake consists of
Danny Bonaduce,Tiffany, Butterbean, Todd Bridges
and Trishelle. Team Nasty consists of Dennis
Rodman, Erin Murphy, Nikki Ziering, Frank Stallone
and Dustin Diamond--whom better call his
finish the "Dustin Diamond Cutter", or at the very
least, the "Turd-Cutter" in honor of that
aforementioned video. It'd bring a whole new
disturbing meaning to Page's catchphrase "Feel the
bang!" Trust me.
This week,
the two teams learn the BASICS before heading to
the ring: Kick to the
mid-section, forearm
smash, and clothesline. Well, that's
about three more than The Great Khali, and he
got a World Title reign. And it's three more
moves until they pass Cena. Clearly, they're
truly on their way to super-stardom! WORLD
TITLES HERE THEY COME.
TO THE
TRAINING ROOM, BRUTHER.
Everyone
pretty much fucks up the mid-section kick, with
Todd Bridges accidentally kicking someone in the
bag. WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT,
BRUTUS. Nikki also has no concept of what
she's doing either. But then again, she
usually does her best work whilst on her
knees eye to eye with the mid-section, so I'll cut
her some slack. Or give her some. Three guesses
from where.
Anyway, Beefcake's big solution
is to have them all kick the air first. I think
guys like poor Nathan Jones never got past this
stage, so, the Celebrities win this
round.
They practice
the clotheslining next, with Knobs teaching them
how to fall first. Aww shit, son, JR is going to
be pissed. "There's probably some idiot out there
saying but they know how to fall!" But hey, when
Frank Stallone picks it up inside 5 minutes, maybe
it's time to think of a new catchphrase. BODIES
BROKEN. CAREERS ENDED IN AN INSTANT (HOPEFULLY IN
THIS CASE). WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TRY THIS
AT HOME. Well, unless you have at least five
minutes of training first.
From there,
the celebrities all complain about the pain of
falling, except Erin, who puts over that she's had
six kids (At least we know she puts out!) so she
knows that pain already. Wait. What? All six of
her kids came flying out after a clothesline? Good
thing she never married JBL or Stan Hansen. I
don't wish stillbirth on anyone. Bar maybe Billy
Gunn's parents.
After
learning three holds, the celebrities are ready to
hit the ring! Frank A. Gotch is rolling over in
his grave. But mostly because he's a WREFTLING
PURIFT and no-sells death just like your puny
unrealistic sports-entertainment offense! But
first, Beefcake & Knobs give a crash course on
the subtle differences between being a face
and a heel. Wait. Beefcake is
doing this? BEEFCAKE? BROTHER
BRUTI/BUTCHER/ MAN WITH NO NAME/ ZODIAC/BOOTYMAN/
DISCIPLE say "hi". I guess he's going to
pretend that 1994-1998 WCW never happened. (I know
Vince has ;)).
IN THE ARENA~!
Wait.
Something is very familiar here. It looks like
they stole the WSX set-up out of the garbage
like Kramer did with the Merv Griffin set.
That's just awesome. Maybe Bischoff can also get
that dude from the San Diego Zoo to make an
appearance?
The crowd is already going
CRAZY. They're even chanting "CCW!" before
anything even happens, which just might be
the saddest thing I've ever heard. That's like
giving a movie a standing ovation during the
coming attractions. I'm not going to say this is a
gimmicked crowd or anything, but I think I just
saw the fucking Stunt
Granny.
(TEAM BEEFCAKE) Butterbean
& Trishelle vs. Danny Bonaduce & Tiffany's
big titties w/ Todd Bridges in their
corner.
Ok, what the
fuck. They learn three moves, and suddenly they're
having a full match out there? Clearly, Johnny Ace
needs to put his dick away at the club in
Florida and move FCW here, because I'll be
damned if this not the fastest wrestling turnover
ever. Holy shit, Bischoff. CCW this week is the
equivalent of watching Star Wars, and after the
opening crawl, Vader is telling Luke that he's his
father.
Oh, and
Butterbean pins Bonaduce with Mark Henry's finish,
the World's Strongest Slam. Aim for the stars,
man. I'd tell you more, but I AM NOT DOING BLOW BY
BLOW ON A DANNY BONADUCE MATCH.
After the
match, Trishelle knocks out Bridges, who DID
NOTHING at ringside. Apparently he graduated from
the Bam Neeley school of managing. (it's just a
stones throw (stoners throw?) away from
the institution that educated the feet of
X-Pac and RVD, and right down the road from
Warrior University. True story.).
(TEAM
NASTY) Frank Stallone & Dustin Diamond w/
Nikki Ziering vs. Erin Murphy & Dennis
Rodman
Rodman and
Dustin start things off. AND THERE IS THE KICK TO
THE MID-SECTION~! SHADES OF ARN ANDERSON...DOING A
REALLY SHITTY KICK TO THE MID-SECTION AND EXPOSING
THE BUSINESS! Erin in now, and she kicks Screech
with the midsection kick, but he NO SELLS. SHADES
OF UMM, ROAD WARRIOR COCK! (Don't
watch his movie! I'm begging you!). Screech
then bullies her in the corner and unloads. At
least it wasn't a clothesline, so we were spared
seeing child # 7 explode from her time-tested womb
here. Tag to Stallone who puts Erin in the
sleeper. Funny, whenever I put a chokehold on a
woman, I get 8-10 in prison, not
adulation, what's this guy's big secret? Tag
back out to Screech, who ties Erin in the Tree of
Woe. If only Joey Lawrence or Keanu
Reeves was one of the celebrities here.
That'd be their finisher! WOAH. Erin
with the hot tag to Rodman, who comes in a house
of fire, or genitals of fire, if his sexual
history has anything to say about it. Big
clothesline to both Stallone &
Screech. FLYING CLOTHESLINE from the 2nd rope
to Screech and that does it. Poor Screech. Perhaps
he should have taken more lessons from his buddy,
AC Slater. Now that dude could wrestle. And
wear comically tiny zubaz pants. Tough
break.
Winners:
Dennis Rodman & Erin Murphy.
Back from
commercials and it's time to can a celebrity,
bruther. Hulk declares that tonight, TEAM
NASTY has won by proxy of the better
match, and this week they are exempt from being
cut. This might be the only time in history Brian
Knobs "and great wrestling performance" have
been uttered in the same sentence. Add one
sweaty armpit to the mix, and Knobs
has probably passed the full gamut
of his knowledge onto his team
already.
This leaves a
member of Team Beefcake on the (struttin' and)
cuttin' block. Bischoff says that Trishelle has a
good look, and he'd really like to watch her go
down on his wife in the back room of the Gold
Club. Ok, he didn't, but you know, based on the
man's history, he was thinking it. Bottom line is
she is safe. Jimmy Hart tells Danny Bonaduce
that he really caught fire tonight. Oh, that's why
he looked like a 7/11 rotisserie hotdog out
there! It all makes sense! Ahem. He is also
safe. Hulk Hogan then puts over Butterbean,
but says he can't work the "Hulk Hogan style" in
this day and age. What, bald, uncoordinated &
ridiculous? Butter is also safe. And
Delicious.
We are down
to two. Todd Bridges and Tiffany. Different
Strokes vs. LOTS OF STROKES. (I still have her
Playboy). Hulk
tells Tiffany that she had good showmanship,
but lacked in-ring
ability . Huh. The guy
throws one Ensiguiri in 30 years, and he's
suddenly a workrate expert? Maybe Tiff
should have taken a page from Hulk and just tore
her shirt off? I know my little Hulkster
would have surely appreciated it ( Fun Fact:
He's bald too!). Unfortunately, that's not
enough to get it done, bruther. She gets the axe,
dude. Hulk tells her to get out of his ring and
calls her a jabroni. But not before privately
mentioning he'll be by later to scoop slam and pin
her in that order. Maybe.
Tiffany
then gives the stereotypical loser interview.
"She had fun" and it was a "great
experience". Wait. It was? How is that even
possible? "I'm just happy I got the chance to
be potentially crippled by untrained
imbeciles for maybe 100,000 people tops on a
channel that's been airing the same concert from
the Grand Ole Opry for 40
years!"
FINAL THOUGHTS:
You'd think my incessant barrage of
jokes and insults would mean that I did not
like this product, but motherfucker, YOU BE WRONG.
This is the greatest concept I've ever seen in my
life and I support it wholeheartedly. Or in the
case of the ladies wholepenisedly. If
somehow, next season, they can sign the dude who
ran the Peach pit on 90210 to compete, I can
surely die a happy man.
So, yes, I
loved it. In fact, I laugh at the irony that
Eric Bischoff has once again put on a more
entertaining all-around product than Vince
McMahon, even ten years removed from the last
time. And I once again look forward to it all
crumbling again when he signs Danny
Bonaduce and Dustin Diamond to
guaranteed 5 million dollar contracts. What can
you do? Not give Butterbean a creative control
clause and let Frank Stallone sing with
KISS in the Main event slot?
Probably.
TWO BIG
ORANGE THUMBS UP, BRUTHER.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at
Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured
AIDS.