HULK HOGAN INJURES KNEE (BRUTHER)
From Wrestling Observer: WWE.com reports
that Hulk Hogan told Vince McMahon today that he may have cracked his meniscus
and that he may not be able to do any of his three remaining appearances for
WWE. Right now, Hogan is scheduled to appear on RAW this Monday, the 8/14 RAW,
and Summerslam to face Randy Orton. Hogan apparently suffered the injury as he
was getting up from his couch. He says when he got up, he heard a snap. He will
be having an MRI this week to determine the nature of the injury.
Hogan's willing to put over a sofa, but not Steve Austin. And watch this tale of
a HOMICIDAL couch grow to Andre at Wrestlemania 3 proportions before it's all
said and done.
"I was sitting
there in my living room, in front of 93,000 screaming Hulkamaniacs, dude; on my
15 foot, 800 pound couch man, made of reinforced Titanium alloy, bruther; when I
reached for the Hulkster-sized remote with the largest arms in world, brah, but
I couldn't quite reach it, so I stood up, dude, and as I did, THE EARTH STARTED
TO SHAKE, THE SKIES OPENED UP and every muscle in my barn door back ripped at
once! Just like the time the Trump Plaza fell into the Atlantic Ocean, and I had
to dog paddle all those screaming maniacs to safety, dude! However, it was just
another day at the Red & Yellow office, bruther! However, when I went to sit
down, and enjoy another EPISODE OF HOGAN KNOWS BEST (check your local listings)
and listen to my daughter Brooke's Grammy award winning Platinum single, man, I
heard my knee pop, bruther! It felt just like when Andre ripped the crucifix
from my neck, dude! He might as well have ripped out my beating heart, bruther!
Which since I say my prayers, and take my vitamins has enough blood to fill the
seas, dude! But I WILL BE BACK, BRUTHER! So whatcha gonna do, reasonably priced
and surprisingly comfortable SOFA? What ARE YOU gonna do, when the largest arms
in the world, nay, the UNIVERSE, Destroy you!!! (or bring you back to IKEA for
hopefully a full refund).
Vince; I can't job to Randy Orton at Summer Slam. But I can be back in
time to win the rematch, bruther!"
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
WWE.com and their silly candid photographs. Take this one for example....
Reminds you of a *certain* movie, doesnt it? And with that
said, apparently in preparation for his EXTREME~! competition a few weeks
ago against one 'The Big Show', Undertaker undertook (HIYO) grueling
martial-arts training in an attempt to even the odds; eventually achieving a
level of mastery that can only come by waxing a car,
painting a house, and doing other thankless household chores for the demanding
elderly. And good thing too, because if the movies have taught us anything, no
one ever won a fight using actual OFFENSE. Punches?
Please. Kicks? I don't think so. Weapons? What are those? True "Karate" (Care-
ah-tay) lies in the heart, not the fist. Plus, the black belt goes great with
his satiny pants. It's win/win for him.
Clearly, it paid off:
JOHN CENA IS THE MARINE!
In case you haven't heard, WWE FILMS, the same people who
brought you Kane killing teenagers while fighting off the urge to
masturbate, presents their next major motion picture: THE MARINE, starring the
"controversial" John Cena. The same John Cena whom if WWE has taught us
anything, will begin hallucinating sometime in October, hearing "voices" and
being "shell-shocked" from a war he was never in. The whole thing would
have likely culminated in a fake John Cena emerging to make his life
miserable, but sadly, they couldn't find anyone to wrestle that terribly to make
it believable. Ah, I kid, John.
In any event, despite the fact the TRAILER is now available
on You Tube, much of the script and storyline is still unknown at this point (I
don't know if this is really the case, but play along, damn it!), but that's
where WE COME IN.
Through our Hollywood "connections", we have acquired
secret plot points in the film, and will now reveal the admittedly *shocking*
details direct from our source. WARNING: The following contains
-At one point, a camouflage covered John Cena stupidly
gives away his location to the enemy by yelling out "You Can't See
-The entire Military eventually begs for SOMEONE,
ANYONE, DIFFERENT for a mission, but the General insists on always using
-The antagonist in the film only gains a brief advantage
after Cena battles six other dudes to the death inside a deadly caged
-The motivation for the big showdown between Cena and his
arch rival, is a comment that he's "not a very good
-There's about a 30 minute dead spot in the movie where
John goes for the five knuckle shuffle, but since there's no ropes, he just
keeps running and ends up never coming back.
-He's pelted with garbage and catcalls at the Purple heart
medal (with a custom "spinner"~!) ceremony, despite, once again, the
General's insistence that he's really a hero.
-He doesn't know how to properly operate the weapons he's
given, but the enemy is told to sell the offense anyway.
-Halfway through the film, he picks up a tank on his
shoulders and slams it down, as a strange southern accent is piped in yelling
"By Gawd, that tank was two tons, King!"
-John gets into a struggle with a foe, and ends up wrapping
his arms around his throat, but doesn't move or pull, as the enemy rolls his
eyes, and whispers to him how to do it properly.
-In honor of John, the govt. stops referring to their
weapons as "Weapons of mass destruction" instead opting for "weapons of mass
destruction... if you suspend disbelief enough".
-Cena foolishly jumps out of an airplane without a
parachute, but his pants act as a defacto parachute and carry him to
-Edgier dialogue was re-edited to include more references
to "poop" and "farts".
-The General tells his officers to damage control Cena's
lack of popularity amongst "Defiant" "traditional" civilians as him just being
-The country ends up rooting for the bad guys by the
-The hostages that he's supposed to be saving eventually
begin chanting "Same old shit" as he dispatches the enemy.
-After surviving heavy mortar
assaults, grenades, landmines and missiles, Cena is subsequently killed by an
overweight savage in the jungle with one thumb to the throat.
- Dick Cheney dumps all his Halliburton stock in favor of
Haha, Poor John. But hey, don't feel too bad; from
all accounts the real life John Cena has a pretty good sense of humor.
Besides, the dude's a millionaire and can sleep with pretty much any woman he
wants to at this point. I doubt he'll be crying himself to sleep tonight.
Wish I could say the same thing...
WWE FALL TV PREVIEW 2006!
Back in 2003, I debuted what I
felt was the perfect Fall TV
lineup. It featured WWE stars inserted into now retooled popular
primetime shows. And well, it's been three years, so what better time to
have complete filler and not come up with an
original concept do it
all again? So, with that said, let's look at the
impending lineup, all while secretly hoping that "WWE Films" doesn't
really ever branch out into "WWE
Hosted by Johnny
Ace, and featuring 16 midcarders and cruiserweights. The WWE Survivors
brave the wilds of unpredictable Connecticut, competing in a
series of degrading spectacles (jobbing to Mark Henry, etc.) in an effort to
hopefully gain immunity. (6 months of jobs before being
Side note: Each week,
Matt Hardy is purposely brought back and re-eliminated during the torch
ceremony, just because.
Check your local
LAW & ORDER: WWE!
In WWE's war on
crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the
veteran locker room. These are their stories.
Detectives TAKER & John
Layfield are a new *elite* squad of detectives who
investigate backstage related crimes like not shaking the hands of the
senior members of the locker room, using carryall luggage with wheels, and
upgrading your own plane ticket from coach. The prosecuted
offenders are then subsequently punished during a seemingly peaceful
After leaving "New
York" after being told he "can't tell a story", Joey heads out west to
a place where that's always a prerequisite: HOLLYWOOD! He soon finds
that they're even more talentless than the place he last left. (WWE of
course then hires them.).
What to look for: In Ep.
6, Joey takes his own life after being forced to put over a
wrestling vampire. He's replaced by Brad Armstrong. Vince never
EXTREME (CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING) MAKEOVER:
Each Week, the
Extreme Championship Wrestling Makeover team attempt to fix-up a
dilapidated house for a needy family. The project however almost always
remains unfinished when head "designer" Paul Heyman reveals that he's
spent all the money. He however gives IOU's to everyone! "Your house will be completed the moment we get on a
Network! I'm telling you!" yells Paul, as contractors and the house's
occupants chase him down the street.
Plus, Coming Soon~!: EXTREME
CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING MAKEOVER! Three people are chosen to receive the
*makeover of a lifetime* which includes: plastic surgery, lasik surgery,
cosmetic dentistry, hair, makeup and fitness. These changes are then
all undone with one errant Sandman cane shot, and a botched Sabu table spot
(that he repeats three times!).
EC-Dub! EC-Dub! EC-Dub!
PUNJABI PRISON BREAK!
After his manger
Khosrow Daivari is seemingly wrongfully convicted for connections with
"Sympathizers" (and NOT terrorists), The Great Khali meticulously plans
(we're assuming, all we heard was "Grmmpghdfghh") the ultimate
prison break. From a Prison with no Roof.
Watch for mid-season when
Khali is replaced suddenly by Big Show, just because.
MY NAME IS EARL HEBNER!
After being left distitute after an
illegal merchandise scandal, a disgraced former Referee wins
$100,000 in the lottery and decides to right all his wrongs against
various wrongfully submitted Canadians. He lasts about 15 minutes, before
ringing a bell, and hopping into an already running
DANCING WITH THE WWE SUPERSTARS!
Superstars are coupled with professional dancers as they compete for the
title of Dancing With The WWE Superstars Champion. They are then
immediately pinned for it by Triple H. Just
Featuring: Ric Flair, Rey
Mysterio, Umaga, Daivari, Chris Benoit, HBK, Kane, Hulk Hogan, Vince McMahon
What to look for: Umaga goes
through some half dozen dance partners in one night after he mistakes
a dance signal from off-screen coach Armando Alejendro Estrada and drives
his thumb into their clavicles. The judges still award 10's across the
board for The Samoan Bulldozer & partner thinking she's
just improvising a complicated break-dancing number! Fun Fact: She's
Plus, don't miss Ric Flair's
heartbreaking disappointment after collapsing face first off the stage in
a Ball-room number gone awry. (but not before mule-kicking his partner in
the genitals first, poking another couple in the eyes, and insisting on
being grabbed by the groin and thrown off the Judge's
From the creators of Veronica Mars comes VAL VENIS. After
his umpteenth push is mysteriously killed, former porn star cum
(LITERALLY!) conservative Libertarian, Val Venis makes it his mission to solve
seemingly impossible mysteries! Mysteries like how he's managed to stay employed
for 8 years. (Quick answer: The completely forgot!). Ya, that's the show. But he
has sex with a lot of people. And preaches the benefits of a harmonized
flat-tax. Watch it. It's on TV.
CROSSING ORLANDO JORDAN!
Dr. Orlando Jordan Cavanaugh
is a forensic pathologist, coroner (he goes both ways!) and by
god *Natural Athlete*, who lost his job with the Boston medical
examiner's office for being tremendously boring, despite the faculty giving his
ass like 3 years to get over. err, I mean, learn his craft. But boy can he
dropkick. And umm, dropkick! Did i mention he can dropkick? Dr. Jordan is a jack
of all trades. And a jack-off all trades. Specifically, for his lab assistants,
fresh out of high school.
ACCORDING TO JIM ROSS!
Good Ole J.R. stars as
Jim, the macho everyman, with a soft spot for his beautiful wife, Jezebel, their
Scalded dog, "Limbertail", and their three precocious kids -- 'Stone Cold'
'Steve' & 'Austin'.
Each week, Jim seems to
keep Jezebel in constant turmoil with insistence she build up her
upper-body, his obsession with government issued livestock, and
an encyclopedic knowledge of College Football. But their underlying love
for each other guarantees that there's little chance of this marriage
being "as Gawd is my witness, broken in half."
Well, that's it for this
week's (Month's? Year's?) edition of the Back-Leg Frontkick. It's been a
happening. Funny, after saying that phrase, I suddenly have the
uncanny urge to know what the exact medical term for that bump at the
back of the base of your skull is. Strange.
Be sure to check out the rest of the crew:
Ferguson, Remy, and of
course ME~! Plus, *everyone
else* who's been too lazy
to update lately! See y'all soon. But first...
....Your Moment of Zen!: (your check's in the mail,
If there's ever an *official* hearing to determine once and
for all whether wrestling is considered "Gay" or not, it might be in our best
interests to make sure this picture disappears