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Back-Leg Frontkick: 08.31.04 August 2004. Featuring , A Woman Beats Austin, Warrior Ramblings,  Sable Released Into Captivity,  Viking Brock Lesnar Thrown Over-Board, Divas Search Fallout, The Kane/Lita Wedding Album & A Rabid Road Warrior Animal Attacking Random People On Video... This Fall of Fox! All This Plus Much (MUCH) More!
 

Hello all, and welcome to another edition of the column that is a lot like a lingering erotic massage: Really long, and somewhat painful, but by the end you end up paying way more than you ever thought possible.

 

Or something like that...

  

Random Raw & SmackDown Notes:

You know, every once in a while, I get an email from someone asking me why I don’t write RAW and SmackDown Rants anymore (2 of which are me). So to satisfy my HUGE fanbase that may or may not just include my immediate family, parole officer and neighboorhood watch, I decided to forgo an actual “rant” and just post some out of context quotes about this past Monday’s Raw: Enjoy! (or not.) 

 

 

-The way HHH is always uncontrollably drooling and shaking, are we sure it’s Eugene who is the real retard in this feud?

 

-Loved Regal’s promo against Trips, but…did he have to wear my grandmother’s bathing suit to wrestle in? I kept expecting him to put on some nose plugs and dive into the fucking English Channel.

 

-Gotta love the fact that during the Divas-search portion, Coach makes a point of teasing the audience with “And they can wear ANYTHING they want!” (Obviously implying nudity or near nudity) and they of course DELIVER by…..wearing the EXACT same outfits as before. Here's an idea. How about WEARING WQHAT I WANT? I mean, a single pair of high-heels and some strategically placed pieces of fruit can't be too hard to come by, right?

 

-Also, isn’t it funny that the only one who even attempts to show skin is built like my 12 year old cousin? I'd vote for her, but I'd be afriaid that when she grabbed her check and a discreetly tucked penis will come flopping out. Trust me. It happens to the best of us.

 

-And for the second straight week, Carmella does NOTHING and looks totally disinterested. I think I've slept with this woman. Every time? Umm, ya. But hey, for someone who is so attractive, charisma-wise, she’s the equivalent of a dead-lay. Come on, Carmella, I know it doesn't have the dignity and poise of James Caan cumming on your tits in the grotto, but hey, it’s a start!

 

-Why did Matt Hardy want Stacy to leave the room because he wanted “privacy” with Lita, yet, didn’t seem to mind the fucking camera man sticking around? THIS IS JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME LITA. AND THESE MILLION PEOPLE.

 

- Huh. Apparently you can lose your fiancée by just "losing a match" to someone. And if you don’t think I’m going to test this theory by rolling up random strangers on the street and telling them that their girlfriends have to marry me as a result, you’re sadly mistaken. Someone keep some bail handy, just incase, and put on this referee's shirt.

 

-Someone should seriously put some pants on this Tyson Tomko, stat. I've watched enough OZ to know a scary, bald-headed tattoed dude coming at you in their underwear is NEVER a good thing.

 

-Wow did Maven totally botch a suicide dive (and not just by still living) by catching his head ( or Bert-like eyebrows) on the ropes. Hey, maybe someone took my advice and finally stuck a strip of Velcro on there?

 

-So, JBL completes the Ted DiBiase circle by bringing in Orlando Jordan as his “Virgil”. All Bradshaw needs now is a pair of Ted’s tear-away pants. I'm sure a few people in the shower room who will love that. An article of clothing it takes him like 2 seconds to tear off. God have mercy on their souls. But mostly their assholes.

 

-You know parents are getting a little more liberal these days when they don’t mind Cena handing off giant glowing yellow dildos to their children at ringside….

-Dupree jobs… to Orlando Jordan? Who’s this guy not blowing? Actually scratch that. I think it’s obvious. After all, isn't old partner Sylvan Grenier a  champion over on Raw? That's a bitter pill to sawllow. Or not swallow as it were.

 

-Oh right on, a Midget! And Undertaker of course choke slams him-- but it’s Ok, because everything midgets do are funny…even dying.  Next week, look for Undertaker to run over a leper with his motorcycle, and then use his GHOST ELECTRICITY to shock someone with Parkinson's steady again, then do it again and send them back into the fucking shakes. It'll be awesome. 

 

-Evolution is in the ring and they’re wearing T-shirts... and no pants. Man, I’m glad to see my Grandfather isn’t the only one who dresses like this. Someone needs to give him a World Title. He invented this.

 

-Stacy then says that one of the most important skills of a diva is being to speak in front of a live audience. It is? Since when? Someone should maybe pass this vital information onto the Divas sometime. And seriously, when you're looking to parlay that SPEAKING is a vital role as a woman in the WWE, is sending STACY KEIBLER the right choice to accomplish this? That'd be like sending Blue Meanie out to explain the importance of fucking physical fitness...

 

-Amy then says to Carmella: “Having a cock in your ass doesn’t make you a WWE Diva!”. And you know what? She’s right. It’ll make you a FUCKING WWE SUPERSTAR! Ask around if you don’t believe me. Start with the RAW Tag Champs.

 

-Got to love Christy and her version of the Atomic leg drop. Now tear off your shirt slowly! Please?

 

-Papa Roach is in the crowd! And Lawler knows who they are! Wow. Don’t let anyone tell you that Lawler doesn’t know what the teenage girls are listening to these days. Hmm, I wonder why that is?….

 

-Am I the only one who noticed Big Mizark Henry shaking hands with the Republicans on the Convention floor? Be careful Cheney, those are hands that can crush APPLES.

 

- How about those random Hardy "Family members"on RAW, eh? COMEDY~!  But hey, when your parents name you "Fat Hardy", I’d think they’ve pretty much mapped out your entire future for you. Not too much of a chance of being a body builder after that. And speaking of which, I never realized that there was a Samoan population in North Carolina. I mean, sure, they can't be hurt to the head either--because all the inbreeding has made their redneck brains are about the size of a sundried raisin-- but my point still stands. I think.

 

-Edge has been wrestling in this company for like 8 years; isn't it fair to think we can know him now? How much longer will it take?

 

- Here's a question? Why was Orton wearing his trunks at the end of the show when he was wearing pants at the beginning? You know, when I plan a fight, I don’t all of sudden get the urge to take my pants off....

 

Ok that’s it…Thank God.

 

(August 2004) Headlines:

You know the drill; I print the wrestling headlines, then make light of people because I’m all mean and stuff. 

 

DIVA SEARCH RANDOMNESS:

Divadodgeball.jpgWWE Divas Search Angers Wrestlers

Feel they are being left out.....

Many wrestlers were upset at the announcement of the Divas Dodgeball match for SummerSlam on RAW last night. Many question how girls who aren't even on the WWE roster yet can get on one of the biggest PPVs of the year before established wrestlers.

 

Hey, I’m all for a game of dodgeball with the Diva-hopefuls…so long as the balls they’re dodging are made of iron-ore and being launched from a civil-war era cannon. But hey, it is building good practice for them. In order to maintain employment once hired, they're going to have to really learn how to avoid being hit with balls. Of course, there'll be hairy, and be attached to John Laurinaitis, but whatever. Tell me I'm wrong.

 

Anyway, I can’t really blame the actual WRESTLERS for being angry, but I guess WWE has a quarter of a million dollars invested in this thing, so they’re going to milk it for all it's worth. Unlike these women, whose breasts, thanks to extreme augmentation, can no longer accomplish that feat.

 

The thing that really strikes me funny though, is the fact that somehow, WWE has managed to fuck up one of the easiest sells in history. That being attractive women bouncing around. How one makes women, half-naked, bouncing and dancing seem like THE WORST FUCKING IDEA EVER, AND A COMPLETE TIME-WASTER is a testament to how ridiculous they are.

 

The first mistake they made was when they decided to have them actually speak and attempt to “seduce” through a series of lame skits, that even dragged the good and completely real name of Kamala through the mud, or bog or whatever it is Hippos graze in in Mississippi err I mean UGANDA. However, I did find it funny that the only one with real breasts in that  entire skit was the “Ugandan Giant” himself. You know, after that terrible display, if this was the late 70’s, right about now some B-level celebrity would be hitting a huge gong. I'd then ask if they could pass that mallet along so I could use it on my skull and end my misery. "ARE YOU FROM HAWAII?" Dear god.

 

But still, WWE carries on (and on, and on) with this abortion regardless of the audible groan heard from the live audience when the apropos song “walk idiot walk” plays. And the saddest thing of all is that these 12 (now 7) women were the cream of the crop! Of course, leading to the question, how brain damaged did the others who didn’t make it have to be? Holy shit.

 

With that said, rumors are swirling that this thing is fixed (Cue the Shawn Michaels Tell me a Lie song, stat!) and that there’s a good chance Carmella will be walking out of the contest a quarter of a million dollars richer as a result. Well, that, and about one pound heavier thanks to the McMahon DNA floating in her stomach from the bosses casting couch.

 

Vince: "Just pretend it's a flute and you're about to play some play some beautiful music!"

 

Carmella: "Umm, what about the spit valve?"

 

Vince: "No, you swallow that. "

 

The irony though of the whole situation is that Carmella, the favorite, is the least deserving, as she once again, as displayed this past Monday when she “seduced” us to buy ice cream after saying “look at the sprinkles”. And I don’t know about you, but I was like totally fucking  sprung after that display of "sensuality". Holy shit. It might as well have been your morbidly obese German lunch-lady smokin' a fucking cigarette that ashes into your mashed potatoes for  the level of appeal she put into this fucking display.

 

So, I for one am kind of looking forward to divas dodgeball game (and as Dave Gagnon said to me the other day: “How does one even work a dodgeball game?”) if only to see people like Nidia and Jazz  whipping speeding balls at annoying sorta-models who’ll bag more money just for doing a cartwheel in a bathing suit than they'll both make in one year combined. I guess all we can really hope for is that this one is contested under “Hardcore” rules. (not to be confused with the films 2/3rds of these women will make after their umm… “fifteen minutes” are up.).

 

 

Fire.jpg

Divas Rock The House

For an angle I sincerely hate with all my heart and soul, I sure do write about it a lot. Oh my God, Vince is a GENIUS! I guess any publicity is good publicity, so excuse me while I finish this plate of crow. Then pass it along to the the regular Divas because they haven't ate in two weeks so to to compete with these stunned cunts.

Anyway, this past week, they brought back The Rock for a rare Raw appearance…and sadly, not even the awesome, star-making power of the Rock (or should I say “The Dwayne”..he really hasn’t been The Rock in two years) could not breath life into this skit. Nor could the entire NYFD, EMTs, the coast guard or Jesus Christ himself. He'd just say, "Some miracles ARE NOT possible", and turn Hunter's bottle of Evian into 300 bottles of wine, and everyone would get hammered to the point where this segment would be ENTERTAINING.

The one thing that did become extremely evident was that if this thing wasn’t fixed before, it definitely is now. I mean, as attractive as Carmella is, what imbecile would vote for her now? (or before for that matter, just because WWE is acknowledging her lack of effort now, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have noticed it before).

If the answer to this question is “you”, please take you hand off your penis for two seconds, get up, go outside and bang your head against the brick wall until you draw blood. You'll know you're done when someone who calls himself St. Peter checks his list to see if your name is on it. Thank you.

Anyway, The Rock tried desperately to make lemonade out of saline pouches, but to no avail. The not (ever) ready for primetime players still managed to take a segment with The Rock and drag it down to levels of monotony never before seen. And THIS IS A MAN WHO MADE US CARE ABOUT JONATHAN COACHMAN.

And how bout that pie-eating contest, huh? It was hilarious to watch the “diva hopefuls” eyes bug out like the way Superman looks at Kryptointe or Rosie O'Donnell looks at cock when they found out that they actually had to EAT the pie…and you know, not have time to regurgitate it in the Arrowhead Pond’s restroom toilet either, apply some more pancake, and pop a mint so no one *really* knows that the only nourishment their bodies are receiving is their stomach acid digesting their own internal organs.

The funny thing to me was that apparently none of these women have any concept on how to seduce a man (except Amy, who performed fellatio on hers). I think a blow-up doll puts in more effort than these ladies. And is made of more natural parts. Carmella for example opted to just simply smear hers all over her arms, which of course is a turn on…if you’re attracted to women with extreme mental retardation. I once saw a mongoloid take an ice cream cone and smush it into their forhead, and I was so aroused I just had to take my dick out like right then and there. And poor Christy (Shit! How do I know these names?), instead of eating her pie, of course decided to announce that her “ass is hungry” (the same line heard uttered by Pat Patterson before shooting Sylvan a playful wink) and SAT in hers. Just a word of warning, if you ever see Christy working at Baskin-Robbins, JUST WALK AWAY. It can only end badly for you.

My god what an abortion.

Sablebag.jpgHey, Don’t Forget Your Gym-Bag!....

 

WWE Releases Reno Mero (Sable) Once Again

WWE.com posted the following on their website this evening:

WWE and Rena Mero, p.k.a. Sable, have parted ways. More to follow.

Here are some further details on Sable being released by the WWE. First, Sable was held off House Show’s over the weekend causing some to believe that this may be brewing. She was let go over apparent comments which appeared in a recent interview she conducted with FortWayne.com. Here are some tidbits from that interview:

“The men in this business are able to have families because they have wives who stay home.” said Mero. “The women have to choose. There are more difficulties as a woman. There are more sacrifices we make.” .

Yes, some do have wives at home….until certain women old enough to be their mothers play homewrecker and drive the dumb lug into the NFL…..

“Men aren’t hired on looks,” said Mero. “Some of the most talented women are not blonde-haired, blue-eyed women.”

Sure, and guys like Grenier and Mark Jindrak are just hired on their unbridled charisma.

“The most gifted female wrestlers get passed over because they lack a certain Californiafinish.”

I can agree with this to a certain extent (although both Victoria and Molly Holly had LONG reigns as Women’s champion in the last two years), but this is not just prevalent in wrestling. It is also a staple of Hollywood and even the music industry. It’s also the sole reason why Pamela Anderson isn’t turning tricks right now in Downtown Vancouver. And besides, what color's your hair again, Sable?

Anyway, the sad fact is, whether you want to admit it or not, men (probably at least 90% of the demographic) watch women “wrestle” because of the sexual factor. Ladies like Trish have tried in vain to erase this through self improvement and good work-ethic, but it’s still there, and always will be. Just go to “Jello wrestling night” at your local campus bar and take note of how many guys are critiquing the “grappling” skills, and not hoping a titty comes flopping out of their bathing suit. "She had great tits, sure, but she totally botched that gogoplata!..."

It’s the same amongst most of the mouth breathers in the crowds at these shows. The problem lies in the fact the division pretty much doesn’t mean anything, because for the most part, the reigning champion just usually wrestles a revolving door of Divas, while you seldom ever see just two Divas going at it (without the champion involved), and NEVER see them wrestle on pay-per-view unless “bras and panties” or “lingerie” is involved. Hey, kind of like my love life. This might be why I'm single.

However, this is the problem on RAW. Smackdown has no such excuse. The fact is, regardless of what Sable says, SmackDown’s “Divas” are exactly where they should be. Sitting nude on Johnny Ace's penis telling him he wasn't too old or unhip to hold a skateboard but never use it. Err, I mean, that being glorified strippers with the collective wrestling ability of a drunken Giant Gonzalez with MS. At least the Raw competitors have grasped basic wrestling and made an effort to improve.  Watching the women on Smackdown attempt to wrestle is like watching two dudes with Spinal Bifida try and line-dance.

Mero had signed a three year deal with the WWE in 2003 after returning to the company in which she had legal run-in’s beforehand.

For those of you who don’t know, those “legal run-ins” were sexual harassment allegations leveled at the then-WWF at its most vulnerable point (They were also being sued by Martha Hart in a wrongful death law-suit for husband Owen). It's just a shame they didn't create a harness for Sable, too. Ah, I kid. But mostly because thanks to the deadheat in the zeppelin race going on on her chest, she would have just sprung back onto her feet like one of those weighted clown punching bags.

Anyway, in the actual law-suit, Rena Mero basically sued for one hundred million dollars (seriously) before returning to her secret underground lair to feed Vince to sharks with frickin' laser-beams on their heads. GOLDENCANS! (not seriously.). There was also apparently complaints that the “boys” had drilled a hole through her dressing room wall and that *someone* had shit in her duffle bag.

But seriously, about the hole in the wall . Come on.“Oh, boo-hoo, they saw my tits!”. Didn’t they know they could just go out and buy an issue of Playboy and see her stuff like millions of other heroes who basically reduced the spread into two giant pages, if you know what I mean?Sorry, but I just don’t get this “shyness” all of a sudden when she basically went out topless on TV several times anyway. And as for the “boys”, the only other alternative in the dressing room at that time was the hanging saggy ass of the hardcore Icon Terry Funk, so could you really blame them for seeking other avenues of entertainment? Maybe they should have just had one of the camera men just film her changing and saved themselves the trouble. But then again, there's that whole matter of them not existing...

Ah, I kid. But you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t think Sable’s opinions hold any silicone err, water. The fact is, I have no respect for Sable as a human being, and find it kind of difficult to hear her preach about the “wrong doings” of the WWE when she basically is as guilty as anyone in benefiting from the WWE machine. Not to be confused with the one they use to clone people in OVW. Ahem. 

But seriously, if more talented non-blond people not getting opportunity was *really* such an issue with her, then ask her why SHE didn’t relinquish HER spot to the “non-blond”, “more talented” Jacqueline in 1998...

Stunner.jpgMaybe She Should Learn The Piledriver?

 

"Steve Austin and ex-girlfriend Tess Broussard were involved in yet another physical confrontation earlier this month, this time at Beverly Hills, California restaurant Il Fornaio's, ending up with a trip to the emergency room, an arrest, and a lawsuit filed. This time, however, the former WWE champion isn't staying silent. 

According to an article in the paid subscription area of The Los Angeles Times today, Austin and his business manager George Vrabeck had brought Broussard to California to present her with a $1.5 million check in exchange for Broussard moving on and out of Austin's life and agreeing not to pursue legal ramifications over different incidents involving the couple over the last year. 

"I'm not a rocket scientist," Austin told The Times "But I knew I had to get out of this relationship....The plan was to go out, have a nice steak, hand [Broussard] a check and get on with my life." 

After having dinner with Broussard at Mastro's Steakhouse, the two went to meet Vrabeck, who was eating at Il Fornaio nearby, waiting with the check and a security guard stationed in a parked car. Once they arrived, however, Austin said that things changed, " All of a sudden Tess said, 'Honey, we're not breaking up. We just had a wonderful night.' She started getting really irate, saying, 'You can't do this — you just can't break up with me now.'" 

Austin told The Times that Broussard, "...went up over the top of the table with a steak knife and she was trying to stab me." Vrabeck got involved and everyone went down in a scuffle. Austin's security guard handcuffed Broussard to a chair. Vrabeck ended up with a deep cut to his left arm while Austin banged his head on the sidewalk. 

Broussard, who works an actress in softcore films, claimed in a lawsuit that was filed last week that Austin and Vrabeck lured her to the restaurant to stage a fabricated assault. The lawsuit asks for $10 million in damages and brings up a Texas incident from several months ago where Austin allegedly caused her permanent injury while driving drunk and hitting a tree with her as passenger. It's noted in the article that Austin claimed to be sober during the accident and that police reports of the incident back Austin's claim. 

Broussard's series of events in Beverly Hills were, as expected, completely different from Austin's. She told the Times that Vrabeck, "grabbed me and shoved me down in my chair. When I tried to get up, out of nowhere some guy came up from behind me and knocked me down, yelling, 'Get down!' as if gunshots were going to be fired. The next thing I know, he's on top of me and I'm handcuffed. And there's George dumping over the table. Then I see him bend down and it looks like he's stabbing himself. All of a sudden, he says, 'I'm bleeding,' and the bodyguard says, 'I saw you stab him!' "Obviously I'd been set up. Steve had threatened me, in no uncertain terms, that I'd get screwed over if I didn't drop [a proposed] personal injury suit." 

Broussard was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon, which carries a maximum penalty of a $10,000 fine and four years in prison. She is due in court on 9/1 and is currently out on $30,000 bail. 

The article noted that Austin's manager, Barry Bloom, has hired Sitrick & Co., a crisis-management public relations firm that has represented the likes of Rush Limbaugh, R. Kelly and Paula Poundstone in the past. The firm's Michael Mayer told the Times that he instructed Austin to come forth first. "Steve is a celebrity with millions of fans," said Mayer. "If he's involved in anything that smacks of something lurid or sensational, it's going to affect him. If you don't tell your own story, someone is going to tell it for you, and chances are you won't like the way it comes out." 

Broussard alleged in the article that while things were good early in the relationship, Austin, "turned into another character — mean, horrible, violent and emotionally abusive. He drank every night, beginning at 6 p.m. until he would pass out around 1 a.m." When it was noted that Austin claimed she had a problem with medication, she responded, "He got me started on pills. He'd open my mouth like an animal and stick the pills in my mouth. He said, if I'm taking them, you're taking them too." Austin denied the charge while admitting he takes a variety of prescription drugs, prescribed for insomnia and "neurological issues," stemming from his neck issues after the Owen Hart tombstone at Summerslam '97. 

The article notes that both admit a March incident in Austin's San Antonio home (he's since moved to Los Angeles and is staying with Diamond Dallas Page). Broussard claimed that Austin, "stomped on my broken foot where I have permanent physical damage from the car accident." Austin claims that when he tried to leave the home, Broussard grabbed a gold necklace around his neck (the one given to him by the late Brian Pillman) and jumped on his back, forcing him to physically remove her. Broussard claimed that she didn't file charges as she planned, saying, "I played everything down. I got scared. He said he'd screw me over if I filed charges." Austin denied that charge as well. 

The article also features comments from Henry Garza, lead guitarist of Texas rock band Los Lonely Boys, who claimed that he saw Broussard once pull a gun on Austin. "She put it right up to Steve's head, like she was trying to get him to do something," he says. "Then she pointed it at me, which was when I really got scared." Broussard claimed that she recalled "playing" with a gun but never pointed it ay anyone and "I didn't pick it up in anger." 

Asked why they would still continue to see each other despite all the problems in the past, Broussard claimed, "I was naive. He'd apologize and say he'd change and go to counseling, but he never did. He told me I was his soul mate, so I kept going back and really believed in the relationship. But it was a lot of empty promises." 

Austin's response? "I kept seeing her because, as kooky as she was, I still loved her. I feel like I've been a pawn on the chessboard. I was too trusting and too nice, and that's what I'll have to live with." 

Austin, the biggest drawing star in American professional wrestling history, left World Wrestling Entertainment several months ago after failing to come to contractual terms. He's currently working on the new Adam Sandler film, "The Longest Yard."

 

Clearly, Miss Broussard’s insane, which is surprising to me considering how normal and level -headed those in the sex industry usually are…..

 

And as for her claims that the whole Restaurant scene was “staged” by Austin and company, let me say this: A manager who’ll STAB HIMSELF for a client, is a manager I want on my side! Wow! Talk about your dedication right there. Imagine what he'd do to get you a movie role. Motherfucker would draw and quarter himself and plunk his hot insteines on the table before the fucking breadsticks even showed up.

Anyway, the fact that Austin offered her 1 and a half million (or one week’s beer ration) to GET RID of her should tell you something. Especially when the STUNNER always seemed to work so much better for him. Ahem.

Seriously (umm, kind of) though, I am surprised however that Austin would go to that sort of length (the 1.5 million bribe) to rid her from his life, especially when he’s never been shy about getting his piston-like right hands dirty himself, so to speak (see the ring shaped backwards smoking skull in Debra’s forehead).

Honestly, I think I lean more towards Austin in this one, although the sick side of me can see Austin jumping on alleged Tess’s broken foot. HE's DONE IT BEFORE.…You know, after positioning it under a steel chair and leaping from the roof of his pick up truck. If it's good enough for Brian Pillman, than by god, it's good enough for this tart. Because, let's face it, she's NO BRIAN PILLMAN. Although, after all the porn she's done she'd easily work under the moniker LOOSE CANYON.

In any event, it’ll be interesting to see where this goes, and hopefully this situation won’t reach O.J. levels. But hey, that'd work for me, too. If only to see Austin shrug his shoulders when a big gigantic orthopedic knee brace doesn't fit during the trial...


THE CHRONICLES OF BROCK LESNAR:

The following is the very latest on the trials and tribulations of Mr. Football himself:

BrockViking.jpgHere Comes The Pain (In The Ass).

Former WWE Champion turns down autograph request....

Minnesota
's Star Tribune reports that Brock Lesnar refused to sign a WWE poster of him that a fan brought to him over the weekend at Vikings training camp. Lesnar told the fan that he is no longer signing WWE merchandise.

"That was a part of my life, and I just don't sign that stuff anymore," Lesnar said. "Just in case I never go back. They'd have that and they'd just sell it on eBay."

Lesnar than followed up with: “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hop into my big fucking plane that my WWE contract paid for.”

 

Ok…I made that last part up. Sue me.

 

In any event, Brock hasn’t exactly been coming across too sympathetically since taking his (foot)ball and going home. In fact, recently, Brock made a hard tackle during a practice game ( breaking an unwritten rule) and causing the QB to have to sit out several plays. Brock’s reply was “I only have one speed”. Unlike his wife Sable, who has many.

 

Then of course, in an interview, Lesnar was quoted as saying (and I’m not kidding here) “I don’t like gays…write that down in your little book…..I don’t like gays”.

 

Wow, kind of surprising that Brock would be that homophobic considering the two sports he’s chosen. You know, the one where oily mean roll around in their underwear and the other where you grab a ball from the ass-end of a bent over man. But hey, in his defense, it is incredibly difficult to even think of anything remotely gay whilst you write in a mounted position atop another man. Ahem.

 

Anyway, who would have ever thought that a guy who alienated the locker room by purchasing a plane so not to be crammed in the backseat of a Yugo with the Big Show from town to town would turn out to be such an asshole? Everybody? Ok, then. Maybe we can just chalk it up to immaturity. Maybe his mom just needs to step in. Or maybe just someone the same age. Where’s Sable again?

 

Between A Brock And A Hard Place.

 

"Brock Lesnar was attacked and beaten up, in a good way, on the last day of Vikings camp. It's a tradition to do that to rookies. As practice ended, Lesnar noted people weren't leaving the field, figured it out, and started running. Running-back Larry Ned caught him and tackled him, and as everyone was holding him down, Kelly Campbell started doing pro wrestling moves on him. He was also doused with water and had his ankles taped together. It's actually considered a positive, as it's a sign the players consider him one of them. The Vikings are also merchandising a #69 Lesnar jersey." 

 

Huh. I don't know about you, but after having a dozen dudes all have their way with me, that's THE LAST FUCKING NUMBER I'd want. Just saying.

 

But seriously, "beaten up in a good way?"  Isn't That like saying that you were shot but it was hilarious? "Oh, you guys. The way you just shanked me in the heart and left me with ten minutes to live is just so funny. I really feel like part of the team now. *GRGGLE BLMPPPHH".

You know, only in sports could beating the shit out of people or tying and binding their feet and jumping on them be considered a great way to break the ice with a co-worker. Next time they hire someone new at the office, I'm going to definitely clothesline the fucker, then stick a ball gag in their mouths so the copy guy, Janet from accounting and VP Bob can take turns fucking them in the ass. They'll appreciate it, because now it means they're ONE OF US.

 

There Goes The Pain!

ESPN Radio reports that Brock Lesnar has been cut. But I say so what if Brock is circumsized? What does that even matt---oh. They meant. Ya.

Despite being cut from the Vikings, (and here Brock bought a big helmet with horns and 4 foot battle-axe and everything) Lesnar STILL has a chance to make the team's practice squad once all other cuts are made. The St. Paul Pioneer Press has an article about Brock's cut up, including comments from Viking coach Mike Tice. The article, which is available , says that Lesnar hugged Tice when he got the news of his cut. Then he belly to belly suplexed him.

That's the pitfalls of hugging an amateur wrestler. Spooning turns into the worst night of your life. Or not.

And from there Brock's agent says he isn't done with Football yet: 

"[Brock is] committed to this long-term," Ed Hitchcock said. "He's realistic about what it takes to develop. There are players who've played this game all their lives who take a couple of years to develop [in the NFL]."

Check out the full ESPN article, which also features comments from Viking coach Mike Tice, 
here.

 

So, the dream is over? What a shame. And here I was waiting for the game where he tries to tackle someone by leaping from the goal posts, only to miss the players by like 3 feet and land head first. It is after all, instinct. 

 

That said, with the way he talked down about wrestling, and maybe the magic that is the NFL Europe being the only other viable choice, it looks like Brock is just left with his dignity… and his plane of course. Oh ya, and Sable,too, but I ranked the plane higher because after all, the jet has far less miles on it.

 

However, I for one, regardless of how much of an asshole Brock seems to be, would love to see him return to wrestling, and I’d think that it would be inevitable. Because, after all, wrestling is a lot like the mob. In that you never really get out. However, unfortunately, unlike the mob, there’s no chance of finding the dead body of the Hulkster packed in ice in someone’s trunk. Oh well.

 

Anyway, WWE would be somewhat foolish to not at least extend the olive branch and try to soak up some of the legit press Lesnar has gotten. However, I think that Lesnar won’t quit in his attempt to make it in football, not yet anyway. He never struck me as that type of guy. You don’t win the NCAA Championship without tenacity. Or arms so freakishly long you can tie your shoes without bending over. Or something. I don't know, I'm drunk.

 

Now in closing, I wanted to create a sentimental picture of Brock to raise his spirits figuratively in the manner in which he once so effortlessly followed suit on one The Big Show, but instead I decided to go for the outrageous and dig deep into TWF's extensive photo library and dig out the infamous Brock Lesnar E.T. pic, and post it regardless of the fact that it has ABSOLUTELY NO CONTEXT WHATSOEVER TO ANYTHING. But  Fuck that! As Dave Gagnon said to me the other day: “It’s BROCK LESNAR riding a children’s bicycle, what more could you want?”

 

This one’s for you, Brock!:

Brock Lesnar is E.T. (Extra-Small Testicles)

 

Destrucity For Sale~!

The Ultimate Warrior has put many of his WWE items on auction at eBay, including his one-of-a-kind blue WWE Title belt that was made just for him. The bidding for the belt starts at $23,500.

Warrior is also auctioning off his ring gear and an autographed action figure.

Check out the items here.

Gotta love Warrior, though. Next thing you know, he’ll be auctioning off the baseball bat he used to swat illegal immigrants back over the border. But those Mexicans should know better. WHO MESSES WITH WARRIOR THAT CLOSE TO ROPES? Or a fence. Whatever. Facts take a back-seat to Warrior jokes.

 

Still though, 23 thousand dollars for the ONLY colored belt in WWF history? Come on, Warrior, I think through all it's hard work and perseverance, that belt deserves to be called AFRICAN-AMERICAN by now. You see, because he's racist, and this joke implies that he's mistakenly referred the WWE Title, ya, never mind.

 

Anyway for those of you not quite convinced of its BY GAWD authenticity, Warrior gives his own personal guarantee:

 

"What else needs to be said? It's real. It's genuine. It's true. I own it. I am Warrior. The Creator, Owner and Performer of The Ultimate Warrior, former WWF Heavyweight Champion.

Ultimate Warrior was the only talent who wore colored WWF Heavyweight Championship belts. Period.

Ultimate Warrior was the only one to were a blue WWF Heavyweight Championship belt. Period."

Wow, HE SAYS IT'S REAL, so it must be! What court in the land wouldn’t take that as gospel?  You know, some people might want a legal guarantee, but when a guy with a painted face who spent 2/3rds of his life in his underwear, and whom LEGALLY CHANGED HIS FUCKING NAME TO WARRIOR, guaran-damn-tees that’s it’s the real deal, who wouldn’t take that at face value? Everybody? Maybe. Besides, it's not like you can return mail it. Just where in the fuck is Parts Unknown, anyway?

 

Warrior goes on to say: There is no other belt like this ONE in THE WHOLE WORLD. And he’s right if you discount all the other colored belts he wore during his Title reign. And I guess if you ignore the other color belts, HE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH WHEN HE SAYS...THERE IS NO OTHER BELT LIKE THIS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!! Except those that are exactly like it, but we’re not talking about those….

 

But…If this still is not good enough for you, Warrior chimes in with this: “You get all the verification upfront that you need and as long as I am alive, I will be gladly available to verify its authenticity.” See? Warrior will personally verify it’s authenticity FOR YOU. So don’t fret, next time someone says “Warrior never really owned that!”, all you have to do is place a call to parts unknown…or better yet, flash the Warrior-Symbol from WCW into the night sky, and Warrior will run from his home in Phoenix to your house, to yes, VERIFY THAT THIS SUPER UNIQUE COLORED BELT THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER WORN (ESPECIALLY SGT. SLAUGHTER) IS THE REAL DEAL!!!! WARRIAH! Oh yeah, unless he's dead as he mentioned. But hey, I wouldn't buy it. I saw this guy get locked in a coffin once for 12 minutes straight and he was just fine. So in the event of his death, just pull that casket off the rolling beer-case wheels at the Crematorium , crack the bitch open and get Warrior's guarantee. IT'S YOUR ULTIMATE RESPONSIBILITY.

 

Hide(nreich) The Women And Children…

"WWE wrestler John Heidenreich threw a huge fit backstage at the recent Bakersfield house show. Apparently, a few things went wrong in his match with Scotty 2 Hotty, which caused the green wrestler to get very upset. On his way to the back, John was visibly screaming and cursing. Things got worse as the star went through the curtain.

Much to the dismay of management, Heidenreich "rearranged" the locker-room area, creating a huge commotion. Some are wondering if he will be able to handle the wrestling business, since he will undoubtedly get frustrated down the road and cannot just "explode" to release his anger. Even though WWE management likes his intensity, there's no denying his lack of in-ring skills, and incidents like this won't keep him on the good side of those in power."

What they don’t mention is that a now traumatized Little Johnny witnessed the whole thing…

Anyway, hopefully this will be a sign to the powers that be to stop the impending Heidenreich push, post haste.  Unless it's off something incredibly high. (not RVD).

 

And as for him “exploding” in the future, I sincerely hope he does. Only in my vision he has about 30 pounds of dynamite strapped to him, but whatever. The bottom line is , a guy like Heidenreich is a dinosaur in this business (in my opinion). (where's the Ice age when you really need it?). The lumbering oafish giant went out with no-selling people’s finishers. It’s passé. I’m not saying that there can’t be big men, but rather they should bring a little more to the table than just being big…and no doubt somehow implementing a side walk slam into their repertoires, because that's what really tall people do. It's true. It's instinct. Don't question it. Just the other day, my 6'5" neighbor gave me a spinebuster as I was jogging past his house. He then apologized and said "I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened! It's like it just came over me! I couldn't help it. It just felt like something I should do. Like bearhugs and losing my breath after about 5 minutes." Some of this may not have happened.

 

I say cut Heidenreich loose (preferably if he’s hanging from a cliff). That, or else keep Arn Anderson guard of him. After all, Double A is pretty adept at handling psychotic giant blond guys…even if they do have scissors… or squeegees.

Sharp Dressed McMahon

Wrestlers feel WWE has no legal right to fine over dress...

WWE fined seven wrestlers last week for violating their new dress code policy, including D-Von Dudley and Rey Mysterio. Everyone was fined $500 for the first offense. As reported, WWE will issue $1000 fines for second offenses, and a suspension for third offenses.

Many WWE wrestlers feel that the company has no right to fine for dress code violations since nothing related to dress is in anybody's contract.

Many feel WWE is going way beyond their legal rights in fining over dress code, since many of the wrestlers are considered to be independent contractors, a technical thing that WWE does to avoid paying many benefits and getting certain tax breaks.

Management feels it isn't too much to ask that the wrestlers look professional. Even if they're midgets in masks. I added this part. But seriously, who'd even know Rey was a wrestler? I don't care if he is wearing a fucking Tuxedo, without his mask he just looks like a kid who fell asleep on a newspaper.

 

Anyway, all of this "dress code" shit coming from the guy who spent the latter part of the 1980’s wearing pastel blue and salmon colored blazers with huge WWF logos on the lapel? What's next, The British get on your case about Orla hygeine? Come on, Vince.

And what do they mean by “professional”? Oh I see, if you’re going to work in an industry that sees you trying to run people over with cars, light other wrestlers on fire, or even drug, kidnap, and in turn, force a woman to marry you, you BETTER be wearing a suit jacket or people will start to thinking the entire organization lacks credibility? Holy shit.

 

Get a grip, WWE. This isn’t exactly an industry that conveys class, and let’s not forget that during your peak, the wrestlers themselves single-handedly kept the spandex industry afloat as guys like Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan appeared often in public wearing bandanas, spandex pants, and WEIGHT LIFTER’S BELTS all while they did their GROCERY SHOPPING. But hey, who knows how heavy those Watermelons can get, bruther! Better safe than sorry, dude!

 

Besides, regardless of whether you put him in a suit, or shorts, I doubt anyone on the plane is going to take a look at Hurricane with the pineapple sprout of green hear billowing from his fucking scalp or Kane with one big dead eye and go “Wow, I wonder if he’s a lawyer?”.

 

Your best bet is to keep your wrestlers happy, and comfortable; and besides, maybe you should start enforcing a dress code INSIDE THE RING first, motherfucker. That way, tragedies like Bubba Ray Dudley’s shorts can NEVER transpire again. Where's your God now?

 

P.S., You’re An Asshole?


Michael Hayes is getting a lot of heat backstage among the wrestlers for being a "stooge" and quickly telling Johnny Ace or Vince McMahon who has been showing up late to shows. Rey Mysterio, for one, was reported as being late by Hayes to a recent house show and ended up being fined for it.

 

I don't have much to say here, but for a second there, I pictured Hayes as a LITERAL STOOGE, of the THREE variety. And the great thing is, that's exactly what Vince would have done with the Freebirds in the 80's. Larry, Curly and MO' Cocaine, Please?.

 

Ya, that's all I've got.

JUSTMARRIED.jpg‘Til Death Do They Part (You promise?)

 

[The Following was written before the Kane/Lita wedding]

Has there ever been a contract signing where the furniture doesn’t get turned over? File it under the same chapter as Trophies and Birthday cakes in the big book of ridiculous Wrestling clichés, I guess.

Anyway, I guess with the *official* signing between Matt and Kane, it makes it all legal and binding (tee hee) as the winner will be burdened with a lifetime commitment to the soon to be 2Xtreme mother. Probably marking the first time two men have fought over the right to marry a philandering pregnant woman whom you’re even not sure is actually carrying your child….

 What struck me particularly funny was how far poor Kane has fallen from the indestructible monster that ripped the Hell in a cell door off its hinges in 1997. I mean, do monsters even deal with lawyers? I mean when was the last time you saw Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers going through legal red-tape with a licensed barrister?

Unfortunately for Kane, the pyrokinetic demonic figure he once portrayed is now eclipsed by a guy who wants to “do the right thing” by the woman he impregnated with his pipin’ hot seed, and he's reduced to wearing stylish corduroy sweaters out for a light supper with Shane McMahon pre-Survivor Series last year….

However, it’s this type of schlock that makes me LOVE being a wrestling fan. I mean, where else are you going to see someone get forced to get married to a complete stranger for losing a match? You won’t see that in the real world, believe me. I know because after I caught our own Jason Hart with a quick small package as he emerged from the bathroom, and no matter how many times I told his girlfriend she now had to become my wife, she just wouldn’t do it. She must not watch wrestling. I'd hate to break it to her that IT'S NOW LEGAL.

Anyway, I’m just glad that Matt Hardy is getting any sort of push. He deserves it. Even if it’s at the expense of his girlfriend being told to bulk up to play a more convincing pregnant woman. But hey, after seeing some of the broads in his forum, I'm sure he's used to it. Even if they're "eating for two" only in practice.

 

Bachelor Party!Kane/Lita: Missed Opportunities~!

 

You know, I have to admit it. I MARKED out for the Kane/Lita wedding last week. It was the right mixture of hokeyness to make me remember why it is that I choose to watch wrestling in the first place. Sure, for the most part the acting is more wooden than a medieval dildo, especially Lita, who despite having lines written RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, still managed to slur them, it still was amusing in a car wreck sort of way. (who says she only blows spots in a match?). And for the record, this whole thing could only have worked with Kane, who just maybe the best developed character in wrestling today.

 

However, there still were several missed opportunities that in my opinion could have equaled COMIC GOLD. And not just the TOAST where Undertaker misunderstands the concept and literally sets Kane on fire again. That’s right, I’m also talking about a Bachelor party and the ensuing Honeymoon~!

Why WWE didn’t choose to turn this sure fire humor into vignettes baffles me. After all, I can just picture the Bachelor party, where JR offends the strippers by calling them “no good Jezebels”, before getting blotto and imagining himself riding a Government mule around the room with a lamp-shade on his head. From there, Undertaker kills the stripper in the cake by filling it with cement. All while X-Pac goes out to pick up the keg…and is in turn never heard from again. Couple that with Kane “getting it on" with still warm corpse of the dead stripper and you have a DEFINITE HIT PARTY!

 

From there, the bride and groom can be seen on their honeymoon, eating a romantic candlelit dinner, ignited by the fingertip of the groom, before retreating to the boudoir as Kane proceeds to light her loins ablaze with his fiery lust…LITERALLY. From there it would take the entire Niagara Falls Fire Department to put her vagina out due to the size….Imagine the possibilities!

 

Unfortunately though, we’ll never know these joys. Thanks WWE. And go ahead, let’s hear another 30 minute HHH promo instead, we don’t mind…

 

WhenAnimalattacks.jpgComing This Fall!
Fox Presents: When Animal Attacks!

From the people who brought you Temptation Island and The World’s scariest police chases, and forthcoming hard-hitting reality shows like "America's Funniest Most Wanted" comes the *newest* phenomenon in Reality Television: "When Animal Attacks!".

Watch in horror as a rabid Joe Laurinaitis terrorizes campers and hikers alike, and hear the gut-wrenching stories of survival from those who were there. And jobbed in under 2 minutes, because that's how it works.

Here’s one such account from someone we'll call “Verne Gagne” for the sake of his identity:

“All I remember is that I was setting up my tent, planning fun new ways to give my diminutive untalented son new unwarranted opportunities, when I see this, umm, Animal emerge from the bushes. I froze, and the last thing I remember is him hurling towards me, sandwiching me against a tree with a mighty blow of his arm! From there, in my daze, I remember him strangely shooting two big thumbs up to no one in particular, before picking me up on his shoulders and carrying me off as he yelled out for a “Hawk" to come finish me off. The last thing I  saw was a doll with a leather jacket having a detailed conversation with some bald guy with a newspaper. It was absolutely terrifying, and I pretty much blacked out from there.” We all do when Rocco shows up, Verne. We all do.

In any event, those who know “Animal” best, are hard pressed to believe these tales, citing that a man who portrayed the non-threatening image of a post-apocalyptic warrior for 2/3rds of his life and who openly admitted to dining on death (which judging by the last we saw him must be surprisingly high in calories) would never behave so uncouth.

We however have the footage to prove otherwise. Including the heart-wrenching moment where Animal is destroyed by park rangers, and Batista and George Steele go running for their lives, their cries of "WE'RE NOT REALLY COMPLETELY AMBIGUOUS ANIMALS, WE'RE PEOPLE!" obviously falling on deaf ears. 

So don’t miss “When Animal Attacks”, coming to Fox this fall at 8:30 pm, right after “Who wants to beat a Millionaire to death?”. Stay Tuned!

 
TNA Questionnaire

Apparently, TNA this past week passed out questionnaires to those who attended the Impact tapings in hopes of coming away with what their fanbase does and does not want to see. Unless what they want to see is LESS Jeff Jarrett. They're not miracle workers!

Ok, with that said, one of our loyal readers, Ryan from Sunny (Hurricane wasteland) Florida who attended said tapings, sent me a transcript of the questionnaire via email, and will in turn try to submit it to the TNA brass this coming week when he returns.

 

So, with that in mind, I thought I’d take the liberty of filling out his questionnaire for him for shits and giggles…..

 

Here we go:

*Are You A Wrestling Fan - Yes or No?

What, I thought this was the rodeo!  With all these Fucking cowboys? No?

*Were you aware of Impact! or TNA Wrestling beforehand - Yes or No?

I’m aware that I'd like key members of your creative team to MAKE AN IMPACT. By jumping off a building. Close enough?

*Have you ever purchased a TNA Wrestling program on PPV - Yes or No?

Depends on what you mean by, ahem, “purchased”.

*Do you subscribe to cable or satellite?

Yes. I do live in the 21st century.

*Given the special retail price of $9.95 would you buy a TNA Wrestling program in the future - Yes or No?

Yes…but I’d probably prefer to steal it. There’s just something about “taking the food off of Erik Watt’s table” that gives me perverse pleasure.

*Would you come back for another Impact! taping - Yes or No?

Yes. But you’ll have to fire Jeremy Borash. He touched me in my “special purpose”.

*What Brought you to Impact!?

My car, silly.

*Who was your favorite wrestler?

That charismatic showman, Jeff Jarrett! I  just love how he always seems to win regardless of whom he’s in the ring with! See, that’ll show that Vince McMahon what he's missing!

*Did You Buy any Merchandise - Yes or No?

There’s merchandise? I know Don West tried to sell me some baseball cards out back…

*What [did you buy]?

Goldilocks. THAT WHORE.

*Do you participate in message boards/communities - Yes or No?

Oh Yes…I’m that guy who pretty much tore the promotion a new asshole after you botched Raven.

*Will you check out our website at TNAWrestling.com - Yes or No?

Most Definitely! Where else am I going to get my vital information on the MEGASTAR that is El Leon?

*What did you like about Impact!?

I like the fact that there’s actually someone with the name Petey Williams wrestling…and not in Kindergarten.

*Do you have any suggestions to make your experience better?

More Jarretts.  (LOTS more!) Also, if you could occasionally have Tracy Brooks accidentally billow from her brazier, I think that'd work on a fundamental level. Big bare titties is a great deterrent to realizing that I just watched a twenty minute interview with JONNY FAIRPLAY.

*Would you be interested in working with our street teams for free goodies - Yes or No?

Street team? Free goodies? Is this a prostitution ring? Would that make Jeff Jarrett a pimp? Pimp Daddy's boy? That would explain the clothes. And here I thought it was latent homosexuality. Shows what I know.

*Would you like to be added to our online fan mailing list?

Why don’t you just ask me if you can shit on my foot, instead? Unless it’s actually AJ Styles corresponding directly with tales of what it’s like to “Phenomenal”, no thanks. I have enough spam in my mail box.

 

Ok This should piss off the Panda people good. Or they could just think, “Hey,  here’s another sarcastic jackass who thinks he’s the only one goofing on this questionnaire. Asshole.” And you know, I’m personally leaning towards the first…..

 

Well, folks, that’s it for me. Next time I talk to you here I’ll be moved into the *new* Casa del Sean, where I’ll have the opportunity to annoy and terrorize a whole new group of neighbors.

'Til then.

 

I'm Sean.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).