HEADLINES:

Hey! There’s a lot of stuff happening this week in wrestling! Let’s talk about it!

PLEASE RELEASE ME…

Man, I haven’t seen this much shit dropped all at once since my grandfather’s colonoctomy! Ok, none of them are shit. In fact they’re all pretty much awesome. I feel terrible now, but damn it, I really wanted to make that joke. Why couldn’t Jindrak have been on this list? At least I could have felt good about it…

Anyway, to get to the meat and potatoes here, WWE released and/or accepted the resignation of A LOT of talent this week; and I thought we’d go through them one by one, so I can give my two cents (and in all likelihood make some tastelessly regretful jokes.).

GORING, GORING, GONE!

Rhyno was released last week by WWE, apparently stemming from an incident that took place at the Universal Sheraton hotel, the night of Wrestlemania. Apparently, Rhyno was said to get into heated argument with his estranged wife, before destroying a flower pot. Eventually the scuffle was broken up by Tommy Dreamer. It is also being said that the reason for him being so distraught, is over custody issues with his daughter, and he was also heard saying that he didn’t  know if he wanted to live anymore. (And who said he couldn’t cut a believable promo? Ah, I kid…).

Wow. Broken furniture, an angry man-beast, a terrified woman, and Tommy Dreamer with the save? Fuck, they should have just caught this shit on film, charged us 30 bucks and called it the ECW pay-per-view! Good luck following that act.

All kidding aside, it’s a shame, because I always liked Rhyno. But if you believe the dirt-sheets, WWE didn’t all that much. You know the usual suspects, “No character depth", "no charisma", yada, yada, yada;  you know, despite the fact that they have THE GUY who once got him OVER on payroll.  Anyway, the official reason for his release being cited is this Wrestlemania XXI Hotel debacle, but come on, let’s be honest, there isn’t exactly an even playing field here. I mean, I know it’s nice to wrap this whole thing up into one little neat explainable package, and hope Rhyno doesn't spear it, but come on, if this was a Randy Orton or a John Cena, or any marketable talent, do you think they’d be canned? It’s all about the money, baby, and they just needed an excuse to terminate Rhyno. Or put him down. Or whatever you do to man-beasts when they're of no use anymore. After all, quite a few people got the axe this week anyway, to make way for… well, I’ll get into that in a minute. But seriously, best of luck to Rhyno. Or whatever stupid name TNA saddles him with. Considering his drinking past, I'd suggest WHYNO. But hey, if it HAS to be an animal, I'm hoping for Duck-billed Platypus. Mostly to see how the fuck they'd even market it.

What Would Jesus Do?

Apparently he’d get fired. God's gonna be pissed. It ain't smiting a city full of assfuckers (not San Francisco), but it's close.  Aaron “Jesus” Aguilera, best known for his role as Carlito Caribbean Cool’s bodyguard, was released this week, and amidst his neck rehab to boot. Oh, man. That Jesus never uses his healing powers on himself! What gives! Seriously though,  you've gotta love the WWE these days. They don’t even wait for the body to get cold, in a hidden tomb covered by a giant boulder, before they get rid of it. I mean, this isn’t the first time they’ve canned a guy who was still recovering from an injury suffered in their ring. You can go ahead and ask Test how this feels…well, if you can find him or understand his Canadian butchery of the English language.

Anyway, the only good thing to come out this deal is that Jesus at least got to bill the company for his surgery. Although, part of me wondered why they couldn't keep a guy with the ability to reanimate the dead around. They'd have saved a TON of money during that Owen trial. Oh, it’s pronounced “Hey-Zeus”, you say. Ok, I stand corrected. (I thought so. The banana colored nipple-high pants didn’t seem like something the risen Christ would wear anyway).

Everybody’s Favorite Homeboy! ...Well, Except WWE’s…

Chilly Willy a.k.a. Will Jones was released from his WWE developmental deal. Chilly is best known for his short stint in ECW, where he was dubbed “everybody’s favorite homeboy”, yet, did not get over due to the fact that he was no one's favorite anything, and was named after a fucking cartoon penguin. Go figure. (and how many penguins do they have in the ‘hood anyway?). Willy then apparently joined the military, and served his country valiantly in the War on Iraq, before ending up with a developmental deal with the WWE, and wrestling in OVW awaiting his big call up. And you know what? Considering wrestling's death track record, motherfucker was probably better off dodging bullets in ther desert.

But hey! I thought Vince supported the troops?! First he punishes them on Christmas by forcing them to sit through a Heidenreich match, now he cans a veteran before poor Chilly can even shake off his Gulf War syndrome? That’s cold. Or Chilly. Whatever.

VEEEE GONE-AH!

And perhaps the most shocking, Matt Hardy was released this week. And overweight girls across the country expressed their grief by bawling there eyes out, then writing sensitive emo-poetry. It was horrible.

But seriously, of all these releases, why Matt? Surely there was an upside to V1? (as opposed to his Ex, Lita who should be rechristened “VD”). 

It wasn’t too long ago that Matt seemingly had the world at his purple pajama covered feet. He had escaped his brother’s flailing drug-addled shadow,  he had a great, unique gimmick, and he could hear really cool Fishman stories anytime he wanted. The world was indeed his oyster. Or diseased clam as it were in honor of Lita. Then, he did the unpardonable. HE ADMITTED THE INTERNET WRESTLING COMMUNITY REALLY EXISTED. Almost immediately, his WWE Mattitude site was retooled and the commentary in question erased from existence like it was Randy Savage or something. Ohhh Nooo. Then, he revealed some real-life dirty laundry on his PERSONAL website, that exposed that Lita had been getting schooled in some “Sexual Edge-u-cation.” (Ok, I have nothing, sue me.) .

Anyway, people have since cried that “Matt should have kept his mouth shut!” Well, why? It’s his fucking life. Only in today’s world could we vilify the victim in this whole deal. Even if that victim always insists on telling us tedious details on what his favorite color is, and how he likes his breakfast. However, WWE has never been one to take any sort of scandal going public with anything other than complete intolerance. A guy like Garvin or Phillips could use a ringboy as a cock puppet, so long as it was kept under wraps. But if your secret EVER got out, well, you’d disappear faster than Fiddy in a Saloon.

In any event, I really like Matt. He seems like great, grounded, down to earth guy with terrible taste in pants. And I wish him the best. Unfortunately, his only North American option seems at this point to be TNA; and although I’d actually be intrigued to see a Hardy Boyz Vs. AMW Tag match, part of me fears that he’d just be another job boy for Jeff Jarrett and not have his charisma utilized. And besides, his whole gimmick wouldn’t make sense in Hillbilly world. Do rednecks even have computers? Somehow, his intro over a fucking CB radio just doesn’t seem as impressive…

Bearer Of Bad News

William Moody, better known to fans as Paul Bearer has been released from his WWE contract.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE WHEN HE CLEARLY DIED AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH?! HOW DO YOU RELEASE A MAN WHO HAS SINCE PERISHED TRAGICALLY AND NOT AT ALL IN A RIDICULOUSLY CARTOONISH FASHION? HE WAS CLEARLY SHOWN, DROWNED IN CEMENT. MAYBE THEY JUST RELEASED HIM FROM HIS CONCRETE CRYPT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS FAMILY, UMM, KANE AND NO ONE ELSE. 

I saw it with my own eyes. I want my money back… 

Molly Go Round… You Know,  As In Out The Door.

 And finally, Molly Holly gave her notice to the company this week; although a lot of people speculated that she too was fired, but apparently it was her that asked for the release. Allegedly, the reason being given is that it was in lieu of the impending “RAW DIVA SEARCH 2”, and if this is true, I can’t say I blame her. I mean, why should she bust her ass (and that’s A LOT of busting) for probably half the money the “Diva search winner” will get, and of course have to put her life in the hands of these untrained silicone train-wrecks?

But seriously, with Molly gone, it leaves a gigantic hole in the women’s division. (ironically enough, soon to be filled by a slew of women known for their gigantic holes.). I’ve always said, that to me, Trish Stratus was The Rock of the Divas, and if that’s the case, then Molly was clearly the Chris Benoit. Only with a glorious round ass, and arms longer than a number 2 pencil. You know, someone who despite lacking certain flash, managed to always be credible and respectable between the ropes. I always thought highly of Molly, and thought her character was a breath of fresh air. Mostly because it was nice to know that there wasn't any disproportioned rassler genitals ruining her. She's still mint, baby. I also liked the fact that for such a wholesome girl, she finished her opposition by basically hurling herself crotch first into someone’s face. For two years, I’ve been trying to teach my girlfriend the same trick, but unfortunately she keeps hitting her head on the ceiling fan. She has terrible workrate. But she’ll get it eventually, though. This I’m sure.

Anyway, I was talking to TWF's own Jason Hart about her options, and besides maybe Japan, we agreed that ROH might be a neat option. And besides, at least she won’t have to worry about being sexually harassed there! Ahem.

RAW IS WHORE

And now, here we have the apparent culprit of these cuts: The 2^nd RAW DIVAS SEARCH~! I mean, seriously. The last time we saw this many cuts in one week, it was followed by hiring a parade of the previous Diva search rejects, who even some 6 months later, serve no purpose and still have no discernable character whatsoever. (well, except for Amy Weber, but Randy Orton took care of that.).

And speaking of Orton, isn’t it a bit of a coincidence that he was told to have surgery the same week they announce a new Divas search? Haha, I guess they learned their lesson with the last few RKOdors coming from *certain* divas gym bags.

But, seriously, what’s the fucking point of carting this shit out again? Especially after it was clearly the worst idea they had last year. I mean, even The Rock, with all his charisma, basically threw his people's hands up and admitted that it was impossible to make this thing entertaining. THE FUCKING ROCK. And therein lies the irony. Only in the WWE, could they take a “can’t miss” idea like attractive women parading around half naked….and make it unbearable to watch. Do you ever get the feeling that WWE watches a different product than we do? I mean, how can they justify putting another one of these on? I’d accept the previous explanation that the diva castoffs were hired for significantly cheaper than what the wrestling divas were paid; but now, they have about 10 or so of these women running around- with nothing to do, bar be special friends to one the Big Show. I understand that their ultimate goal is to package the winner as a Playboy centerfold, but let’s be honest, there’s no way that they can expect to collect the same type of money and interest that other divas have garnered. I mean, the apparent appeal of seeing a Torrie Wilson naked is the fact that she  teased for so long, and as such, fans got into her character and paid through the nose (penis?) to see her layout. The “Diva Search” winner in all likelihood won’t have the same appeal. Fucking WWE. Next thing you know, they'll have a training ground that attempts to create a myriad of completely identical wrestlers! Oh.

Anyway, despite the fact that even a mongoloid could tell you that WWE’s intention is ultimately stripping these women naked and snapping pictures of them (my own personal goals as it pertains to the opposite sex. Six more months until parole~!), here’s some snippets of their actual press release:

That’s hilarious. They’ll disqualify you for submitting nude pictures, but ultimately you’ll be expected to be photographed wearing nothing but the invisible shame left by Johnny Ace, for Playboy. Makes sense.

From there, this SURPRISING~! tidbit came out:

"This is for a DIVASPOT, which entails: acting, being woven into storylines, conveying beauty, but not necessarily ever needing to wrestle..."

(WWE also is not allowing people from Hawaii or Alaska to enter. Transsexuals are also not allowed.).

Well, that’s just the icing on the cake. That’s a pretty nice little message they’re sending out there. We’ll pay you more than half of the roster, and you won’t really have to do any work. I've been looking for a job like this FOR YEARS. If it wasn't for that no cock thing, I'd give 'er a shot. And speaking of which, I had to laugh at the 'no transsexuals' line. Obviously they’ve enforced that whole crazy ‘no penises in the women’s locker room’ rule since Chyna was let go a few years ago. Good for them.

So, ya, that's what's going on with the Diva Search (or Muff Enough as I like to call it) in a nutshell. And not the one that most of these ladies will be able to pull from a Police lineup in a few months. All I know is, I loathe this entire contest and everything it stands for. So much so, that when I'm vigorously masturbating to it, I think really angry thoughts. That's how angry it makes me, you see. Umm, ya.

Remember The Name Of … GOLD CLUB.

Read this on a message board; it made me laugh:

"Eric Bischoff's wife is featured in Playboy this month as part of the "Real Life Desperate Housewives" section. She is definitely a looker for those of you whom have never seen her before."

I wonder how much airbrushing it took to remove Easy E. jerking off in the corner of the pic as the photographer fucked his wife?  And that’s all I have to say about that. If you ever heard about Atlanta’s Gold Club fiasco, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

SATIRE:

VOTE WARRIOR IN 2008!

The Following is paid for by the Friends and Supporters of Warrior:

The Following is paid for by the Friends and Supporters of Warrior:

 

The last four years have been a test of our national leadership, and only one person has passed that test: WARRIOR.    

Warrior is a man of principles. Warrior is man of great beliefs. A BELIEF that the children are our future. A BELIEF that together WE can bring this great country back to prominence. And a BELIEF that pants are highly overrated. You see, WARRIOR is a man of the people, but not afraid to admit that he puts on his tiny Speedos one leg at a time, just like you and me.

Warrior recently threw his hat (actually it was frilly boots) into the ring for PRESIDENT of these United States; shocking the world, and promising to bring this country back to the responsible conservative ideals of his own home world.

See, folks, WARRIOR has a PLAN. And that plan involves legally changing his name to “MR. PRESIDENT.”

See, this ploy paid dividends for Warrior-man back in the early 90’s in a dispute with the WWF over the ownership of his identity; and much like it did then, surely, with legal ownership of the moniker of “Mr. President”, the government will have NO CHOICE but to accept him as our new leader. It’s this type of free thinking that makes WARRIOR the only logical choice for the highest office.

With WARRIOR (and VP candidate and O.W.N. Disciple, Brutus Beefcake) making waves, the Democrats are running scared, forcing frontrunner Al Gore to choose wrestler RHYNO as his potential running-mate, in a fleeting attempt to match the Intensity of WARRIOR. However, we’re not buying it. This is but a ploy by those “Stinky liberals”, and WARRIOR thus far hasn’t shown the slightest bit of fear in the GORE/Gore! camp.

Well, now that you know his intentions, let us take a closer look at his politics:

Warrior on President Bush:  

When asked to give his opinion on “Bush”, Warrior responded with this:  “A Warrior has no such time for sexual improprieties, when there are so many liberals, turncoats, and voodoo priests corrupting the minds of my little warriors! However, if you must know, for hygiene reasons, Warriah prefers a neatly trimmed pubic area, and not a full thatch.”

Upon learning that we actually meant “President Bush”, WARRIOR went on to tell a humorous story of how one time while waiting to make a surprise entrance from beneath the stage at the Republican National convention, current VP and general prankster, Dick Cheney shit in a pail and placed it beneath Warrior’s “hiding spot.”  “Man, I haven’t puked that much since the time Papa Shango stole my tassle armbands and saddled me with an ancient Voodoo curse!” said WARRIOR. Warrior then went on to declare how much he loves, and can’t seem to get enough Dick. (Cheney)

Warrior’s VP: Brutus Beefcake: The one time “Disciple” of Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the oppressive clutches of the Hulkster, and was then inducted as the SOLE member of One Warrior Nation. From there, his career breathed new life! So much so, in fact, that his push disappeared completely and he was never heard of again! Thank you Warrior for setting Brother Bruti down the right path! The Path of Destrucity!

Brutus, a definite humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free haircuts for some 18 years) recently did his part in the “war on terror” when he retrieved a duffle bag filled with what was believed to be Anthrax, and selflessly destroyed it... by consuming all the contents. You just can’t get that type of dedication in other politicians!

Warrior on the Foreign Affairs: WARRIOR is man who has seen it all. He bore witness firsthand to the final fall of Soviet Communism (at Wrestlemania 6 at the hands of the Hart Foundation) and knows all too well the horrors of the struggles in the Gulf. See, it was WARRIOR himself who was victimized by the HEARTLESS Saddam Hussein regime when the former Iraqi dictator plotted to steal his WWF Title in 1991; a plot that actually came to fruition one cold January night some 14 years ago. This TRAGEDY hardened the Warrior’s resolve however, and now the face-painted ruffian has vowed to do whatever it takes to stop tyranny, including our next potential great enemy: MEXICO.

Warrior on Homosexuality! –  WARRIOR is a staunch believer that “Queering don’t make the world work”... but agrees that it’s pretty much what makes some people’s pushes to the top of the card a reality.

WARRIOR however has had some success in CONVERTING stray homosexuals back  to the side of Heterosexuality. In 1996, he vowed to “make a man out of Goldust” and proceeded to batter the golden one until all thoughts of ass-play were abolished from his mind. Some six months later, Goldust would finally renounce his homosexuality, and go on to have a completely meaningless quasi-midcard run. Thanks Warrior!

Warrior’s VP: Brutus Beefcake: The one time “Disciple” of Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the oppressive clutches of the Hulkster, and was then inducted as the SOLE member of One Warrior Nation. From there, his career breathed new life! So much so, in fact, that his push disappeared completely and he was never heard of again! Thank you Warrior for setting Brother Bruti down the right path! The Path of Destrucity!

 

Brutus, a definite humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free haircuts fohat it’s immoral. And with WARRIOR’s help, we’ll put an end to ALL slow moving, plodding matches for good.

WARRIOR on the Economy: WARRIOR has no opinion. He has no concept of selling of any kind.

Warrior on the Patriot Act: Although he’s never met The Patriot, he feels that Del Wilkes did an admirable job with his character. Although, he knocks him for his limited moveset, and constant reliance of the clothesline…

Warrior on immigration : – Immigrants illegally entering our fair land has long been a sore spot for WARRIOR. And when elected, WARRIOR has GUARANTEED to do something about it! WARRIOR will introduce “Proposition Warrior” to congress that will see WARRIOR himself patrol the borders and press slam any and all trespassers back into their own country. Many in WARRIOR’s campaign have suggested putting up a wall dividing the border, but WARRIOR would only compromise with ropes. And WHO I ask would be FOOLISH enough to mess with WARRIOR that close to ROPES?.... which as we all know is the source of his power.

So, in closing, if you want four more years of hollow promises, high deficits, and fully funded social programs, by all means vote the “competition.” But if you want a Politician who’ll get RESULTS, by all means choose WARRIOR. It’s your ULTIMATE responsibility. And remember, Queering may not make the world work, but Warrior will work for YOU. (Unless you're gay, Mexican, a woman, a liberal, or any combination of the four.).

VOTE WARRIOR IN 2008!