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Back-Leg Frontkick: 04/15/05: In This WARRIOR-SIZED Edition, We Look At WWE Hirings; WWE Firings; Fat Girls Crying; Searching For Divas; Bischoff's Naked Wife; A New Satire; And WARRIOR Wants To End My Life. (Well Sorta). All This Plus Much More!!

Hello again, and welcome to the column that’s a lot like getting head from a woman who uses too much teeth: It’s very painful to get through, but I’ll be damned if it’s not worth it in the end, The Back-Leg Frontkick!

Anyway, as I write this, I’m doubled over in immense pain and barely able to remain conscious. The culprit of my condition is a Triple cheeseburger from Wendy’s. But it gets worse. See, while at Wendy’s, I found out that for an additional 99 cents, I could add ANOTHER paddy to this already hulking sandwich. However, not just satisfied with eating more beef than the average human being consumes in one calendar year, I was dared to see how far I could take this thing, and DEMANDED 3 additional paddies; if only for the folktales it would create amongst the staff (I actually insisted on four, but the girl behind the counter insisted that it was physically…and morally impossible.).

With my manhood at stake, (and secretly out under the table. Shhhh) I devoured the entire Frankenstein hamburger, that in sheer bulk, kind of resembled that fucking giant metal Mayor McCheese cage from the McDonalds play-land of my youth. Soon, I found the staff cheering me on, well, except for the one cute girl who brought me my “Biggie drink”… who I noticed was increasingly repulsed as I dribbled a combination of hot cheese and synthetic mayonnaise all over my styling Calvin & Hobbes T-shirt, in one big, perverse spectacle.

 Anyway, I wiped my face clean with a napkin that suspiciously resembled toilet paper (fucking Wendy’s!) and exited the establishment, anticipating the worst, but surprisingly, I felt no ill-effects. UNTIL NOW. See, as I’ve typed this, I’ve found myself slipping more and more into the realms of insanity (or as warrior calls it? umm, every day?) as the poisons begin to race through my body, and the beef hallucinations take hold. At one point, I could have sworn I saw deceased songmeister Jim Morrison clung outside my window. He truly is the Lizard King. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Anyhoo, I shall move on, and attempt to finish this column, despite the fact that I now have more meat inside my abdomen than a Porno with Ron Jeremy. And yes, I just wanted to make that joke.

WARRIORGATE!

This just in. Warrior hates Sean Carless.

I’m saddened to hear this, but if you had told me some 15 years ago, that Warrior would like to crush me beneath his glorious fringed boot, I’d ask where I could sign up, and beg for a big splash as well. For me, it would have been an honor to be savagely murdered by the then WWF champion. Sadly, though, now a days I just don’t have the time to be smited…

Anyway, in case you’re scratching your head, asking yourself, “What the fuck is he talking about?” I’ll fill you in. You see, a little over a week ago, at a University lecture, that evening’s speaker, The Ultimate Warrior, or “Warrior” as it says on his driver’s license, apparently offended some of the students, with what was described as “racist” and “homophobic” comments, including the now infamous “Queering doesn’t make the world work.” (Listen here).

From there, I took it upon myself to do what I do best, and jump on the hilarity of the situation before all the other site’s had a chance to feed off Warrior’s corpse. I whipped up a little something for Honky Tonk Man’s site, as I giggled to myself like a retarded schoolgirl at the prospect that Warrior addressed the young Republicans in full gear, (you know, the trunks, the makeup, the armbands) complete with snorting, pressing to the heavens and leaving the speech, sprinting from the building to the bass of his WWF theme song.  Anyhoo, I came up with a fluff piece, and thought nothing of it, as to be honest, compared to A LOT of people out there, I felt I was relatively easy on the controversy, as I instead chose to jokingly explain why Warrior would make such comments. Anyway, rather than explaining it further, you can read it here;

So, anyway, I posted it, thinking all was right with the world, and the next morning I have this waiting in my email inbox: (also in my personal email address as well….someone can use WHOIS!).

“Mr. Carless,
I am both Business Affairs Director and Communications Director for Warrior.
He is cc'ed on this email, so that you will know that I speak with his full authority.

In as much as I am currently handling several different projects for Warrior
right now, we simply don't have a lot of time to deal with you - so this is
going to be short and sweet.

A fan recently emailed me with a link to your April 7 commentary on the HTM
website.  As you are aware, you went too far.  It's apparent from your past
entries on the site that you have some sort of problem with Warrior. 
Frankly, we don't care.  What we DO care about, however, is when someone
steps over the line in gratuitously insulting Warrior - even if that person
is as relatively inconsequential and unsuccessful as yourself.  Your column
(and that's using the term quite loosely) goes way beyond the bounds of
propriety.  It must be taken down IMMEDIATELY.

We have no problem with people who want to intelligently and rationally take
issue with something that Warrior says or writes.  You have that right. 
However, you do NOT have a right to portray Warrior as a homosexual - even
if it's done under the banner of satire.  You have no right to use Warrior's
image.  You do not have a moral right to attack Warrior for things that you
"heard" or "read" that he said - you need to make sure you have all the
facts before you issue judgment.  Last, but not least, if you are going to
essentially call another man out (which is what your article amounts to),
you need to be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions.

In closing, I am not going to debate this with you - nor will Warrior.  I am
making this one-time request/demand/suggestion that you immediately remove
that column - and do your damndest to forget about Warrior entirely.

What happens from here is up to you.

Sincerely,
Chris Lewis
Director of Business Affairs
Director of Communications
Ultimate Creations, Inc.”

I guess I won’t be getting a Christmas card from Warrior this year. And by the by, “Damndest” isn’t a real word. (but considering who his boss is, it is kind of par for the course.) But seriously, I can’t forget Warrior!  Warrior himself always insists that we “always believe” and how dare you take that away from me Chris Lewis, Director of directing Warriors and communications and Warriors…or something! Seriously though, Warrior is a public figure and he can be parodied as such. I have that right. Look it up. Public figures can be satired without fear of libel (even though I made no direct libelous comments). Still, though, I can just imagine the reaction, especially after seeing the silly “Captain Faggo” pic  “Oh, you fucker! How dare you sully the good name of…umm, Warrior!” .

 

Anyway, truth be told, had “Mr. Lewis” emailed me and mentioned nicely that Warrior was offended by my column, I probably would have removed it. I’m not an asshole….Ok, I am, but I still would have. Because frankly, I would have became so wrought with guilt, as I pictured Warrior sitting there reading my column, his mascara running as he shed one tear ala the recycling Indian, at the thought of one of his LITTLE WARRIORS stabbing him in his barndoor back. After all, I remember rubbing it everyone’s face in 1990 that Warrior beat Hogan, and even drew a picture in art class of Warrior holding The Hulkster’s severed head, Medusa-style as a trophy. And now I had betrayed him. I’m worse than that Rick Rude who stole his IC belt in a shady and underhanded fashion! Damn that Sean Carless to Hell! That betrayer of Warriors and committer of other wrestling travesties too horrible to be mentioned! (I once fucked a girl with a rolled up PWI. Ok, I never did that, but I always wanted to.).

Anyway, the claws were indeed out, and Mr. Director went for the jugular. Chris Lewis called me INCONSEQUENTIAL and UNSUCCESSFUL. Hey, perhaps Chris Lewis truly is my father in disguise? Sounds like something he might say….

Anyway, the email deeply affected me, and I was so intimidated that I could barely have the most comfortable sleep I’ve ever had in my life. Haha, but why should I be? I’ll save Warrior the court costs of suing me, and just give him all my possessions, which for the record include my computer, 2/3rds of pornstress Chasey Lain’s classic “White Wedding,” and a mustard stained Big Show “Big All Over” T-shirt (which unfortunately describes my physique these days and not my endowments…). All this is yours for the taking Warrior!

So, anyway, there I was, not caring, and getting on with my life, when my friend Barbwire Mike from Lethal Wrestling drops this link. Apparently, Mr. Lewis was making the rounds faster than Lita in the EMLL locker room, spreading Warrior wrath all over the internet, including to the hilarious parody site “Something Awful”, which was attacked by Lewis with the ferocity of a thunderous Warrior shoulder tackle. Soon Lewis began submitting email after email to its webmaster Lowtax, ranging from legal threats to out and out stalking. (He apparently called the guy’s father, made some strange comments about Lowtax’s physical appearance, and even threatened to dispatch Warrior to settle things with “fisticuffs.” ... and NOT a super posedown, which I found disappointing.).

Soon, I began to panic, as I was actually the first "offender" online, and soon I was picturing Warrior running across the country, in search of me, no doubt having a gorilla slam with my name all over it! (but not before sitting me down to explain the mutual benefits of a nation-wide flat tax. ).

Anyway, I became absolutely paranoid, expecting Warrior to show up anytime, launching himself through my den window before pulverizing me while I awkwardly stood for upwards of 30 seconds on the spot, for a not-at-all telegraphed flying tackle. Freaked out, I even covered all the mirrors in my house with newspaper in the case that Warrior utilized the same tactics that horrified Hollywood Hogan going into Halloween Havoc’98. I mean, if WCW wasn’t lying to us, (and I have no reason to believe they would) Warrior possesses the SUPERNATURAL ability to materialize in mirrors! I mean, I could be combing my hair, and BAM! There would be Warrior, reaching from an alternate plane, and throttling me with his mighty hands… the SAME hands that snapped Hercules’ chain like it was…umm, a gimmicked detachable chain! I don’t want none of that.

Anyway, several days have passed, and I just feel lucky that I live in Canada, and thus Warrior at Mr. Lewis' bequest probably won't bother killing me. And you know, it’s probably for the best; because Warrior would find that dealing with the harsh Canadian Winters, housed in only a snug pair of neon underoos, would likely  be A LOT more devastating than the 7 consecutive flying Randy Savage elbows he received at WrestleMania VII. But you can never be too careful, me thinks. In the event that he does arrive, luckily, I’ve trained myself to artfully duck clotheslines, and if things really get hairy, I do have Papa Shango on speed-dial….

But seriously, this whole thing sure got weird, and weird fast. In fact, I just learned from my friend Ryan Smith (HTM’s webmaster) that Warrior has since contacted Honky, because Warrior is amidst creating a DVD  that he’d like Honky to participate in, and well, my little column had the potential to cause a little snafu. But it’s all good, because I've heard from my sources (Ok, I just wanted sound like I’m a real journalist) that *allegedly* (take it for what's its worth), Warrior’s people, in a good will gesture, have  offered a sum of money upfront. So that's where that stands. And I'm happy for everybody! Good for Honky! A Brutha’s gots to get paid.  And good for Warrior! A Brutha’s gots to make a DVD. And Good for Chris Lewis! A Brutha’s gots to stalk people and direct things of a warrior nature. And Good for me! Ok, not good for me. I’m still inconsequential and unsuccessful, apparently… but I am a great kisser. I’ll always have that.

WARRIAH.

HEADLINES:

Hey! There’s a lot of stuff happening this week in wrestling! Let’s talk about it!

PLEASE RELEASE ME…

Man, I haven’t seen this much shit dropped all at once since my grandfather’s colonoctomy! Ok, none of them are shit. In fact they’re all pretty much awesome. I feel terrible now, but damn it, I really wanted to make that joke. Why couldn’t Jindrak have been on this list? At least I could have felt good about it…

Anyway, to get to the meat and potatoes here, WWE released and/or accepted the resignation of A LOT of talent this week; and I thought we’d go through them one by one, so I can give my two cents (and in all likelihood make some tastelessly regretful jokes.).

GORING, GORING, GONE!

Rhyno was released last week by WWE, apparently stemming from an incident that took place at the Universal Sheraton hotel, the night of Wrestlemania. Apparently, Rhyno was said to get into heated argument with his estranged wife, before destroying a flower pot. Eventually the scuffle was broken up by Tommy Dreamer. It is also being said that the reason for him being so distraught, is over custody issues with his daughter, and he was also heard saying that he didn’t  know if he wanted to live anymore. (And who said he couldn’t cut a believable promo? Ah, I kid…).

Wow. Broken furniture, an angry man-beast, a terrified woman, and Tommy Dreamer with the save? Fuck, they should have just caught this shit on film, charged us 30 bucks and called it the ECW pay-per-view! Good luck following that act.

All kidding aside, it’s a shame, because I always liked Rhyno. But if you believe the dirt-sheets, WWE didn’t all that much. You know the usual suspects, “No character depth", "no charisma", yada, yada, yada;  you know, despite the fact that they have THE GUY who once got him OVER on payroll.  Anyway, the official reason for his release being cited is this Wrestlemania XXI Hotel debacle, but come on, let’s be honest, there isn’t exactly an even playing field here. I mean, I know it’s nice to wrap this whole thing up into one little neat explainable package, and hope Rhyno doesn't spear it, but come on, if this was a Randy Orton or a John Cena, or any marketable talent, do you think they’d be canned? It’s all about the money, baby, and they just needed an excuse to terminate Rhyno. Or put him down. Or whatever you do to man-beasts when they're of no use anymore. After all, quite a few people got the axe this week anyway, to make way for… well, I’ll get into that in a minute. But seriously, best of luck to Rhyno. Or whatever stupid name TNA saddles him with. Considering his drinking past, I'd suggest WHYNO. But hey, if it HAS to be an animal, I'm hoping for Duck-billed Platypus. Mostly to see how the fuck they'd even market it.

What Would Jesus Do?

Apparently he’d get fired. God's gonna be pissed. It ain't smiting a city full of assfuckers (not San Francisco), but it's close.  Aaron “Jesus” Aguilera, best known for his role as Carlito Caribbean Cool’s bodyguard, was released this week, and amidst his neck rehab to boot. Oh, man. That Jesus never uses his healing powers on himself! What gives! Seriously though,  you've gotta love the WWE these days. They don’t even wait for the body to get cold, in a hidden tomb covered by a giant boulder, before they get rid of it. I mean, this isn’t the first time they’ve canned a guy who was still recovering from an injury suffered in their ring. You can go ahead and ask Test how this feels…well, if you can find him or understand his Canadian butchery of the English language.

Anyway, the only good thing to come out this deal is that Jesus at least got to bill the company for his surgery. Although, part of me wondered why they couldn't keep a guy with the ability to reanimate the dead around. They'd have saved a TON of money during that Owen trial. Oh, it’s pronounced “Hey-Zeus”, you say. Ok, I stand corrected. (I thought so. The banana colored nipple-high pants didn’t seem like something the risen Christ would wear anyway).

Everybody’s Favorite Homeboy! ...Well, Except WWE’s…

Chilly Willy a.k.a. Will Jones was released from his WWE developmental deal. Chilly is best known for his short stint in ECW, where he was dubbed “everybody’s favorite homeboy”, yet, did not get over due to the fact that he was no one's favorite anything, and was named after a fucking cartoon penguin. Go figure. (and how many penguins do they have in the ‘hood anyway?). Willy then apparently joined the military, and served his country valiantly in the War on Iraq, before ending up with a developmental deal with the WWE, and wrestling in OVW awaiting his big call up. And you know what? Considering wrestling's death track record, motherfucker was probably better off dodging bullets in ther desert.

But hey! I thought Vince supported the troops?! First he punishes them on Christmas by forcing them to sit through a Heidenreich match, now he cans a veteran before poor Chilly can even shake off his Gulf War syndrome? That’s cold. Or Chilly. Whatever.

VEEEE GONE-AH!

And perhaps the most shocking, Matt Hardy was released this week. And overweight girls across the country expressed their grief by bawling there eyes out, then writing sensitive emo-poetry. It was horrible.

But seriously, of all these releases, why Matt? Surely there was an upside to V1? (as opposed to his Ex, Lita who should be rechristened “VD”). 

 

It wasn’t too long ago that Matt seemingly had the world at his purple pajama covered feet. He had escaped his brother’s flailing drug-addled shadow,  he had a great, unique gimmick, and he could hear really cool Fishman stories anytime he wanted. The world was indeed his oyster. Or diseased clam as it were in honor of Lita. Then, he did the unpardonable. HE ADMITTED THE INTERNET WRESTLING COMMUNITY REALLY EXISTED. Almost immediately, his WWE Mattitude site was retooled and the commentary in question erased from existence like it was Randy Savage or something. Ohhh Nooo. Then, he revealed some real-life dirty laundry on his PERSONAL website, that exposed that Lita had been getting schooled in some “Sexual Edge-u-cation.” (Ok, I have nothing, sue me.) .

Anyway, people have since cried that “Matt should have kept his mouth shut!” Well, why? It’s his fucking life. Only in today’s world could we vilify the victim in this whole deal. Even if that victim always insists on telling us tedious details on what his favorite color is, and how he likes his breakfast. However, WWE has never been one to take any sort of scandal going public with anything other than complete intolerance. A guy like Garvin or Phillips could use a ringboy as a cock puppet, so long as it was kept under wraps. But if your secret EVER got out, well, you’d disappear faster than Fiddy in a Saloon.

In any event, I really like Matt. He seems like great, grounded, down to earth guy with terrible taste in pants. And I wish him the best. Unfortunately, his only North American option seems at this point to be TNA; and although I’d actually be intrigued to see a Hardy Boyz Vs. AMW Tag match, part of me fears that he’d just be another job boy for Jeff Jarrett and not have his charisma utilized. And besides, his whole gimmick wouldn’t make sense in Hillbilly world. Do rednecks even have computers? Somehow, his intro over a fucking CB radio just doesn’t seem as impressive…

Bearer Of Bad News

William Moody, better known to fans as Paul Bearer has been released from his WWE contract.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE WHEN HE CLEARLY DIED AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH?! HOW DO YOU RELEASE A MAN WHO HAS SINCE PERISHED TRAGICALLY AND NOT AT ALL IN A RIDICULOUSLY CARTOONISH FASHION? HE WAS CLEARLY SHOWN, DROWNED IN CEMENT. MAYBE THEY JUST RELEASED HIM FROM HIS CONCRETE CRYPT FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS FAMILY, UMM, KANE AND NO ONE ELSE. 

 

I saw it with my own eyes. I want my money back… 

Molly Go Round… You Know,  As In Out The Door.

 And finally, Molly Holly gave her notice to the company this week; although a lot of people speculated that she too was fired, but apparently it was her that asked for the release. Allegedly, the reason being given is that it was in lieu of the impending “RAW DIVA SEARCH 2”, and if this is true, I can’t say I blame her. I mean, why should she bust her ass (and that’s A LOT of busting) for probably half the money the “Diva search winner” will get, and of course have to put her life in the hands of these untrained silicone train-wrecks?

But seriously, with Molly gone, it leaves a gigantic hole in the women’s division. (ironically enough, soon to be filled by a slew of women known for their gigantic holes.). I’ve always said, that to me, Trish Stratus was The Rock of the Divas, and if that’s the case, then Molly was clearly the Chris Benoit. Only with a glorious round ass, and arms longer than a number 2 pencil. You know, someone who despite lacking certain flash, managed to always be credible and respectable between the ropes. I always thought highly of Molly, and thought her character was a breath of fresh air. Mostly because it was nice to know that there wasn't any disproportioned rassler genitals ruining her. She's still mint, baby. I also liked the fact that for such a wholesome girl, she finished her opposition by basically hurling herself crotch first into someone’s face. For two years, I’ve been trying to teach my girlfriend the same trick, but unfortunately she keeps hitting her head on the ceiling fan. She has terrible workrate. But she’ll get it eventually, though. This I’m sure.

Anyway, I was talking to TWF's own Jason Hart about her options, and besides maybe Japan, we agreed that ROH might be a neat option. And besides, at least she won’t have to worry about being sexually harassed there! Ahem.

RAW IS WHORE

And now, here we have the apparent culprit of these cuts: The 2nd RAW DIVAS SEARCH~! I mean, seriously. The last time we saw this many cuts in one week, it was followed by hiring a parade of the previous Diva search rejects, who even some 6 months later, serve no purpose and still have no discernable character whatsoever. (well, except for Amy Weber, but Randy Orton took care of that.).

And speaking of Orton, isn’t it a bit of a coincidence that he was told to have surgery the same week they announce a new Divas search? Haha, I guess they learned their lesson with the last few RKOdors coming from *certain* divas gym bags.

But, seriously, what’s the fucking point of carting this shit out again? Especially after it was clearly the worst idea they had last year. I mean, even The Rock, with all his charisma, basically threw his people's hands up and admitted that it was impossible to make this thing entertaining. THE FUCKING ROCK. And therein lies the irony. Only in the WWE, could they take a “can’t miss” idea like attractive women parading around half naked….and make it unbearable to watch. Do you ever get the feeling that WWE watches a different product than we do? I mean, how can they justify putting another one of these on? I’d accept the previous explanation that the diva castoffs were hired for significantly cheaper than what the wrestling divas were paid; but now, they have about 10 or so of these women running around- with nothing to do, bar be special friends to one the Big Show. I understand that their ultimate goal is to package the winner as a Playboy centerfold, but let’s be honest, there’s no way that they can expect to collect the same type of money and interest that other divas have garnered. I mean, the apparent appeal of seeing a Torrie Wilson naked is the fact that she  teased for so long, and as such, fans got into her character and paid through the nose (penis?) to see her layout. The “Diva Search” winner in all likelihood won’t have the same appeal. Fucking WWE. Next thing you know, they'll have a training ground that attempts to create a myriad of completely identical wrestlers! Oh.

Anyway, despite the fact that even a mongoloid could tell you that WWE’s intention is ultimately stripping these women naked and snapping pictures of them (my own personal goals as it pertains to the opposite sex. Six more months until parole~!), here’s some snippets of their actual press release:

Pictures must be jpeg format
* 300 x 400 pixels
* A resolution of 72 dots per inch.
* Current photographs, at least one full, true-to-life head shot and at least one full, true-to-life head-to-toe body shot. No one other than the applicant may appear in the photographs. Applications that include photographs depicting nudity will be disqualified.

That’s hilarious. They’ll disqualify you for submitting nude pictures, but ultimately you’ll be expected to be photographed wearing nothing but the invisible shame left by Johnny Ace, for Playboy. Makes sense.

From there, this SURPRISING~! tidbit came out:

"This is for a DIVASPOT, which entails: acting, being woven into storylines, conveying beauty, but not necessarily ever needing to wrestle..."

(WWE also is not allowing people from Hawaii or Alaska to enter. Transsexuals are also not allowed.).

Well, that’s just the icing on the cake. That’s a pretty nice little message they’re sending out there. We’ll pay you more than half of the roster, and you won’t really have to do any work. I've been looking for a job like this FOR YEARS. If it wasn't for that no cock thing, I'd give 'er a shot. And speaking of which, I had to laugh at the 'no transsexuals' line. Obviously they’ve enforced that whole crazy ‘no penises in the women’s locker room’ rule since Chyna was let go a few years ago. Good for them.

So, ya, that's what's going on with the Diva Search (or Muff Enough as I like to call it) in a nutshell. And not the one that most of these ladies will be able to pull from a Police lineup in a few months. All I know is, I loathe this entire contest and everything it stands for. So much so, that when I'm vigorously masturbating to it, I think really angry thoughts. That's how angry it makes me, you see. Umm, ya.

Remember The Name Of … GOLD CLUB.

 

Read this on a message board; it made me laugh:

"Eric Bischoff's wife is featured in Playboy this month as part of the "Real Life Desperate Housewives" section. She is definitely a looker for those of you whom have never seen her before."

I wonder how much airbrushing it took to remove Easy E. jerking off in the corner of the pic as the photographer fucked his wife?  And that’s all I have to say about that. If you ever heard about Atlanta’s Gold Club fiasco, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

SATIRE:

VOTE WARRIOR IN 2008!

The Following is paid for by the Friends and Supporters of Warrior:

The Following is paid for by the Friends and Supporters of Warrior:

 

The last four years have been a test of our national leadership, and only one person has passed that test: WARRIOR.    

Warrior is a man of principles. Warrior is man of great beliefs. A BELIEF that the children are our future. A BELIEF that together WE can bring this great country back to prominence. And a BELIEF that pants are highly overrated. You see, WARRIOR is a man of the people, but not afraid to admit that he puts on his tiny Speedos one leg at a time, just like you and me.

Warrior recently threw his hat (actually it was frilly boots) into the ring for PRESIDENT of these United States; shocking the world, and promising to bring this country back to the responsible conservative ideals of his own home world.

See, folks, WARRIOR has a PLAN. And that plan involves legally changing his name to “MR. PRESIDENT.”

See, this ploy paid dividends for Warrior-man back in the early 90’s in a dispute with the WWF over the ownership of his identity; and much like it did then, surely, with legal ownership of the moniker of “Mr. President”, the government will have NO CHOICE but to accept him as our new leader. It’s this type of free thinking that makes WARRIOR the only logical choice for the highest office.

With WARRIOR (and VP candidate and O.W.N. Disciple, Brutus Beefcake) making waves, the Democrats are running scared, forcing frontrunner Al Gore to choose wrestler RHYNO as his potential running-mate, in a fleeting attempt to match the Intensity of WARRIOR. However, we’re not buying it. This is but a ploy by those “Stinky liberals”, and WARRIOR thus far hasn’t shown the slightest bit of fear in the GORE/Gore! camp.

Well, now that you know his intentions, let us take a closer look at his politics:

Warrior on President Bush:  

When asked to give his opinion on “Bush”, Warrior responded with this:  “A Warrior has no such time for sexual improprieties, when there are so many liberals, turncoats, and voodoo priests corrupting the minds of my little warriors! However, if you must know, for hygiene reasons, Warriah prefers a neatly trimmed pubic area, and not a full thatch.”

Upon learning that we actually meant “President Bush”, WARRIOR went on to tell a humorous story of how one time while waiting to make a surprise entrance from beneath the stage at the Republican National convention, current VP and general prankster, Dick Cheney shit in a pail and placed it beneath Warrior’s “hiding spot.”  Man, I haven’t puked that much since the time Papa Shango stole my tassle armbands and saddled me with an ancient Voodoo curse!” said WARRIOR. Warrior then went on to declare how much he loves, and can’t seem to get enough Dick. (Cheney)

Warrior’s VP: Brutus Beefcake: The one time “Disciple” of Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the oppressive clutches of the Hulkster, and was then inducted as the SOLE member of One Warrior Nation. From there, his career breathed new life! So much so, in fact, that his push disappeared completely and he was never heard of again! Thank you Warrior for setting Brother Bruti down the right path! The Path of Destrucity!

Brutus, a definite humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free haircuts for some 18 years) recently did his part in the “war on terror” when he retrieved a duffle bag filled with what was believed to be Anthrax, and selflessly destroyed it... by consuming all the contents. You just can’t get that type of dedication in other politicians!

Warrior on the Foreign Affairs: WARRIOR is man who has seen it all. He bore witness firsthand to the final fall of Soviet Communism (at Wrestlemania 6 at the hands of the Hart Foundation) and knows all too well the horrors of the struggles in the Gulf. See, it was WARRIOR himself who was victimized by the HEARTLESS Saddam Hussein regime when the former Iraqi dictator plotted to steal his WWF Title in 1991; a plot that actually came to fruition one cold January night some 14 years ago. This TRAGEDY hardened the Warrior’s resolve however, and now the face-painted ruffian has vowed to do whatever it takes to stop tyranny, including our next potential great enemy: MEXICO.

Warrior on Homosexuality!  WARRIOR is a staunch believer that “Queering don’t make the world work”... but agrees that it’s pretty much what makes some people’s pushes to the top of the card a reality.

WARRIOR however has had some success in CONVERTING stray homosexuals back  to the side of Heterosexuality. In 1996, he vowed to “make a man out of Goldust” and proceeded to batter the golden one until all thoughts of ass-play were abolished from his mind. Some six months later, Goldust would finally renounce his homosexuality, and go on to have a completely meaningless quasi-midcard run. Thanks Warrior!

Warrior’s VP: Brutus Beefcake: The one time “Disciple” of Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the oppressive clutches of the Hulkster, and was then inducted as the SOLE member of One Warrior Nation. From there, his career breathed new life! So much so, in fact, that his push disappeared completely and he was never heard of again! Thank you Warrior for setting Brother Bruti down the right path! The Path of Destrucity!

 

Brutus, a definite humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free haircuts fohat it’s immoral. And with WARRIOR’s help, we’ll put an end to ALL slow moving, plodding matches for good.

WARRIOR on the Economy: WARRIOR has no opinion. He has no concept of selling of any kind.

Warrior on the Patriot Act: Although he’s never met The Patriot, he feels that Del Wilkes did an admirable job with his character. Although, he knocks him for his limited moveset, and constant reliance of the clothesline…

Warrior on immigration : – Immigrants illegally entering our fair land has long been a sore spot for WARRIOR. And when elected, WARRIOR has GUARANTEED to do something about it! WARRIOR will introduce “Proposition Warrior” to congress that will see WARRIOR himself patrol the borders and press slam any and all trespassers back into their own country. Many in WARRIOR’s campaign have suggested putting up a wall dividing the border, but WARRIOR would only compromise with ropes. And WHO I ask would be FOOLISH enough to mess with WARRIOR that close to ROPES?.... which as we all know is the source of his power.

So, in closing, if you want four more years of hollow promises, high deficits, and fully funded social programs, by all means vote the “competition.” But if you want a Politician who’ll get RESULTS, by all means choose WARRIOR. It’s your ULTIMATE responsibility. And remember, Queering may not make the world work, but Warrior will work for YOU. (Unless you're gay, Mexican, a woman, a liberal, or any combination of the four.).

VOTE WARRIOR IN 2008!

 
Ok folks, that's it for this week. Take care. I'll see you soon (unless I'm press slammed into oblivion). He should be here any minute! It after all was a nice day for a run in Scottsdale...

I’m Sean.

 

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).