Hey
there, I'm Neil Cathan, as always, and tonight I'm bound for... another shitty
TNA Pay per View. Let me just start by responding to a comment by fellow TNA
staffer Nicole Cooper “HAHAHA! I AM SO GLAD THAT I'M NOT REQUIRED TO RECAP TNA
PAY PER VIEWS RIGHT NOW! Whoever is doing this though, allow me to express how
sorry I truly am for you.” Ah
Nicole, with your pitying me. I recap three hours a month. You recap eight hours
of TNA a month. Who's really in need of pity here Nicole? Both of us for having
to recap this product? Probably. It's come to my attention that I have no
ratings system. This clearly needs fixing. So, from now on, in honour of Panda
Energy, who fund TNA, matches will be rated in... Sexual Harassment
Pandas! Yes, the pandas will range from “Dick Johnson sexually Harassing me.”,
or one panda, for the matches which made me feel unclean, to “Sexually harassing
Velvet Skye, who likes it.”, which'll be five pandas, for those perfect matches.
So look out for our Panda buddy, as he'll be telling you how good the match
was. Overdramatic
hype video! Mobster movie gimmick, cause we're in Chicago and stuffs. Jungle
Gym Match. A bunch of X guys. Fucking
hell, what's the kids playpen dong back here? Well, I didn't bother recapping
much of the last of these atrocities, and guess what? I'm not gonna bother with
this one. Literally,
just as I was about to mention how TNA is usually much better on this show,
they bring out the jungle gym. Fuck. Have to climb out of the cage to win. MCMG
and silly comedy wrestler's brawl, and there won't be any little Super Erics.
Then again, I hear he has to use a kryptonite condom to bang chicks, and that'd
kill him. Jobby Devine has his ass-kicked by EVERYONE. Prince Justice
Brotherhood are suplexed by four guys. Val dissaproves of this. Why, I'm not
too sure. Jimmy Rave takes a chance to stare up William's kilt. Silly powerbomb
spot, Super Eric cleans house. Maybe he could do that over here. Place isa tip.
Double DVD on two guys. Quality reporting. I can only presume one was the main
feature, with the other one being bonus features? Look!
It's Chris Sabin's hand. Seriously, the Guns beat the crap out of everyone,
so that Sheley could point at Sabin's hand. Shelley gets Canadian Destroyed.
Some retarded piledriver by Johnny Devine. Devine is winning. Devine is winning?
Did I really just write that? Man, we're in bizarro world. Everyone decides
to actually try to win the match. Or maybe they're just reliving their childhoods.
Oh Yeeeeah, Lethal wins! Winer: Jay Lethal Finally, the ordeal is over. Onto the actually
worthwhile parts of the show. Chicago
has a lot to answer for, being Don West's home town. And since the show was
so forgettable looking, West and Tenay run over the show. I'd love to actually
run Tenay and West over, on the other hand. Jim
Cornette's office! Ay per View dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. Or wrestling
fans, who don't really fit into either statement. Cornette gives Foley his seat,
because washed up WWE guys are more important than the people in charge. Beautiful
people want Blue M&Ms. Lame angle made AWESOME by Foley. I'm
sorry, I love the hypes, but the “Bimbo Brawl” getting one? Cheapened them. Beautiful
people and Kip James vs Rhaka Khan/ODB/Rhino Ah,
Rhino. How the mighty have fallen. Maybe if he killed some more Plant pots,
the office'd take him seriously again.”ODB is my brother, and Kip James is my
sister” sign. Best wrestling sign since “If Cena wins, we riot”. Good man. This
seems unfair to me, as it's three girls in Beautiful people and Kip James vs
three men. I'd forgotten that Chicago was RoH territory, as they give
Rhino beating women a face pop. Rhino promised to gore he, apparently. I'd like
to be able to promise to spear Velvet Skye. ODB is your transexeual Ricky Morton,
and Rhino is Robert Gibson. “Catfight! CAAAATFIIIIGHT!” Sometime I like
to pretend I'm Joey Styles, sorry. OH MY GOD! Yeah, I'll try to get that
under control. Rhino gore'd james for a three count. Winners:
Rhino, ODB and Khan Consequences
Crred, who debuted at BFG. He forgets the colours of his flag “Red..White and
Blue?” Generic Pro-America promo. X Division-Title match: Consequnces
Creed vs Sheik Abdul Bashir Some
war vet brings Creed out. Bullshit boring racist angle. Big dive on Bashir,
and then standing a table and shouting. Black people are crazy, yo. Top
rope crossbody, and we have a really fast back and forth. Bashir sends Creed
to the outside, posting him, and beating him down outside. Back to bac and forth
wrestling. Anyway, it's a good match, but standard X fare, so not much to say.
Double down, and they're up at 8. Creed goes for the pin on a backbody drop.
That well known finishing move. Gets two. Shock. Press gutbuster gets two on
Bashir. Bashir catches a top rope dive from Creed. Bashir gets a rollup with
his hands on the ropes to win. Winner,
and still X-Division champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir See
that smaller panda? Pretend it's normal sized and is just half the picture.
Yeah. I
LOVE FOLEY! Kong and Melissa come and shout at him. Melissa Says “It doesn't
matter why you're here!” Which is gimmick infringement, as Foley tells her,
and threatens to call the Rock. MORE
promos for a match that I've already paid to see. Knockouts title match: Awesome Kong
vs Taylor Wilde vs Roxxi Everyone beats up Kong, and I miss
Gail Kim. This match'd be better with Kim. Three way brawl, and it's good. Very
good, to the point that I forget I'm reviewing it. It's really fast paced, to
make up for being a pretty short match. Kong is sent outside, and a german suplex
by Wilde pins Roxxi. Oops. I'll try to catch up the next match. AJ's
backstage with Foley. Dudleyz come in and shout at AJ and Foley. Foley shouts
at Bubba for stealing his wardrobe. Awesome verbal confrontation between Foley
and Bubba. Cornette's come back. Meaning that the commish Foley angles are over
for the night. Lame. Monster's
Ball: Abyss/Matt Morgan w/Superior DNA vs Beer Money vs LAX vs Team 3D World
Tag Titles on the line. Steve “Mongo” McMichael as ref. I
do not care. I don not care one bit about Mongo. Damn you Nicole, you were right,
even I pity me at the moment. LAX get a huge pop, and we get a brawl, I could
go move by move but it'd be this: Punch,punch,punch, punch,punch, punch,punch,
punch,punch. Elbow drop backbreaker thingy on Roode. Homicide dives out onto
Beer Money. Hernandez does the same. Copycat. Brawling. Brawling everywhere.
Crutch broken over D-Von's head, and then some Ghetto-forking. Shock-treatment
on Homicide. Cheesegrater shot to Abyss's crotch. Ouch. Grates Abyss's other
head. Beer Money double team Bubba for two. Mongo takes thumbtacks away, after
some more brawling. Mongo lariats Roode, and a pin by Homicide gets two. Hernandez
Cactus clotheslines Storm out. Bubba's probably pissed that someone stole his
“Mick Foley rip off” gimmick. Gimmick infringement squared? Morgan hits
a big plancha. Crossbody from space? 3D Murder Abyss on the ramp, and he's a
bloody heap. Then D-Von punches Ray, letting Abyss get back into the match.
Devine hits Abyss, who sells his offence. Poor
Abyss. He has to sell for Devine. Flaming
table spot, with Abyss being double chokeslammed off the ramp through the fire
table. Guy catches fire, and has to be extinguishered twice. Ouch. Concern and
compassion for his team partner, as Matt Morgan ignores Abyss being on fire.
Missile dropick, with a leg for each of Beer Money. 'Cide's only able to take
Beer Money on for a short while, however. Hernandez sit out powerbombs Storm
for two. The reffing is actually taking away from the match, as Jake Roberts
seemed more coherent. Jake Roberts. Doomsday Cutter, and Mongo counts to four,
before the pin is broken up. NEAR FALL. Morgan botches everything. Ever. Gets
a border toss, which might mean we get more competence. Waazup, Homicide? Tables
are in, Hernandez cleans house. Nice to see he's accepting his mexican duty
to clean American homes. Puts thumbtacks on the table, and gets 3D'd through
the thumbtack table. Beer money take 3D out, and steal the pin to retain the
titles. Winners
and still tag team champion: Beer Money Mongo
killed the match, and Morgan did his best too. Still, it was damn good in the
usual car crash way. So far, we've had a good run in free show. Really hope
it'll stay this way. Thrown
together triple threat! Booker T vs AJ Styles vs Christian Cage So,
considering that this match is pretty much an excuse to use these three guys
on the show, it should be good. Cage leaves Styles and Booker to fight. Booker
offers to team with Cage, who DDTs him once the back's turned. Booker strikes
Cage, and we get a good three way unfolding. Booker just about kicks the crap
out of Cage, as Styles is our dead guy on the outside. Styles is STILL dead
on the outside, as Cage turns it back on Booker. Christian Cage then goes and
has a cup of coffee with Booker, discuss the upcoming elections and the many
fine details of which candidate is better, comes back and Styles is still out. Hey
look, it's Styles! Actually moving! Crazy. Styles
kicks some ass, misses a clash, hits a Phenomenon on Cage, gets 2. Booker clotheslines
both, side kicks Cage out of the ring, and beats Styles down. Styles works out
what no-one else has: that they don't need to keep the head politely ducked.
Armdrag by Styles is turned into a Book-End, and Styles kicks. Spinning
elbow on Booker from the top by Cage. Cage teases a Spinaroonie himself, but
Styles ruins it by srpingboarding off him to hit Booker. Peles Booker and DDTs
Cage. Gets 2. Front superplex and a spiral tap. Cage avoids the tap however,
but as he's about to take advantage, Booker interrupts. Cage spears Styles,
Booker cuts the count short. Super-Unprettier on Styles, but Booker Super-Scissor
kicks Cage for three. Winner:
Booker T Awesome
match. Great from start to end, with some inventive spots. It could have been
better, but nothing they did was bad. Hype
video for Jeff Jarrett vs Kurt Angle. I just can't wait for the two of them
to come to the slow realisation that one of them might have to job. Angle
promo backstage. Then a Jarrett promo. No Foley promo. That makes me a sad panda. Jeff
Jarrett vs Kurt Angle, Mick Foley as enforcer So
this is Jarrett's big in ring return to action. I for one, haven't missed him
at all. Angle took over the pinning every promising young guy job pretty well.
Angle takes Jarrett down a lot of times, very quickly. Angle generally outwrestles
Jarrett from the start. Jarrett gets going though, answering Angle's side headlocks
with side headlocks of his own. If I had to sum this match up, I'd say
“Side headlock”. Jarrett dumps Angle outside, and planchas onto him. Angle quickyl
back in control though, kicking and choking Jarrett. Enzuiguri gets the match
back for Jarrett, but Angle gets a nice lariat to take back the control. Takes
it back with a side-headlock. Quick comeback, but another lariat gets two. Snap
suplex for two. Another headlock on Jarrett. Angle with shots on Jarrett
in the corner, but misses a charge. Jarrett DDTs Angle, and we get a double
count. Punches traded, with Jarrett taking the advantage, hitting a clothesline
and protobomb. Jarrett runs into a belly to belly suplex, unfortunately enough
for him. Angle stalks Jarrett for the DDT, but he hits a DDT to escape. Jocking
for position on the top, and Jarrett gets the Superplex. Figure Four leglock
in the middle of the ring. Angle escapes and hits the three germans. Straps
down, Jarrett goes for the powerbomb, Anlge rolls thorugh, Jarrett rolls through,
slapping a lock on. Jeff escapes the lock, Angle hits the slam, Jarrett kicks,
angle goes for the moonsault, Jarrett rolls out, ref bumps. Jarrett strokes
Angle, gets two, Mick counts, but only gets two. Angle goes low on Jarrett,
chairs Foley. Foley mandibles Angle, allowing Jarrett to guitar shot Angle for
the win. Winner:
Jeff Jarrett Solid
psychology and a red hot crowd add an extra star to what I expected. As imagined,
neither had to job clean. Overdramatic
hype video! Sting
gets his own overdramatic hype video, before making his way to the ring. Joe
does the Goldberg entrance, before getting his own. TNA World Title Match: Samoa Joe vs
Sting “In
his mind, he's the world champion”-Don West on Samoa Joe. Uh, I'm pretty sure
he IS the world champ, Don. J.B
in the ring for our introductions. Sting
throws punches, and gets sent outside early, and dived onto. Shots being fired
off on Sting, who's sent into the crowd. Crowd brawl, and Joe gets a great running
dropkick from the top to Sting on the stairs. Sting hits a similar crossbody
in the crowd, going from the railings to Joe in the crowd. Sting shout, Joe
crotches Sting across the barrier, and running boots him. Joe throws Sting back
in, having kicked Sting's ass some more. “Joe's Gonna Kill You” chant breaks
out. Jumping enzuiguri on Sting, put in musclebuster position, but gets tornado
DDT'd. Jumping forearm from the top. Powerbomb into STF. Love that move. Sting
escapes. Snap powerslam gets two on Sting. Sting gets the splash and MUSCLEBUSTERS
Joe, who no sells. Chops on Sting, lariat, Deathdrop, which Sting no sells.
Splash to the back on Joe, to the front, sent to other corner, takes the catch
uranage from Joe. Joe watches Sting. Sting struggles back up to his feet, and
Joe kicks the legs out from under Sting, and brutally kicks him as he tries
to get up. Ref counting Sting, who's down, and Joe lays in with punches. Out
comes Nash. Ho hum. Chops and a DDT on Sting, and doesn't go for a pin. Sting
goes for the bat, but Nash pulls it away. Joe lariats Sting, getting a two count. Ref
bumps, Nash bat shots Joe as he hits the ropes. Death drop, and a three count.
Winner
and new TNA World Champion: Sting Easily
the best match Sting has had in a decade. Joe was awesome as champ, and I wish
the finish wasn't screwy, but it didn't take away from a great match with great
psychology. The build may have sucked, but the match itself was brilliant. Also
possibly the best match Sting's ever had with anyone not called Ric Flair. All
in all, this show was frustrating, in that it's everything I wish TNA would
do more often. The first half was you so-so standard fare for a TNA PPV. Everything
from the ball onwards was great though. Next month I'll be back to mediocrity,
but October is always the moth of the year which reminds me how good TNA could
be if they did it right, and lived up to their potential. I'm
Neil Cathan, I hope you enjoyed reading about the show.
TNA
BOUND FOR GLORY IV
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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