Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


Hey there, I'm Neil Cathan, as always, and tonight I'm bound for... another shitty TNA Pay per View. Let me just start by responding to a comment by fellow TNA staffer Nicole Cooper “HAHAHA! I AM SO GLAD THAT I'M NOT REQUIRED TO RECAP TNA PAY PER VIEWS RIGHT NOW! Whoever is doing this though, allow me to express how sorry I truly am for you.”

Ah Nicole, with your pitying me. I recap three hours a month. You recap eight hours of TNA a month. Who's really in need of pity here Nicole? Both of us for having to recap this product? Probably.

It's come to my attention that I have no ratings system. This clearly needs fixing. So, from now on, in honour of Panda Energy, who fund TNA, matches will be rated in... 

Sexual Harassment Pandas! Yes, the pandas will range from “Dick Johnson sexually Harassing me.”, or one panda, for the matches which made me feel unclean, to “Sexually harassing Velvet Skye, who likes it.”, which'll be five pandas, for those perfect matches. So look out for our Panda buddy, as he'll be telling you how good the match was.

Overdramatic hype video! Mobster movie gimmick, cause we're in Chicago and stuffs.

Jungle Gym Match. A bunch of X guys.

Fucking hell, what's the kids playpen dong back here? Well, I didn't bother recapping much of the last of these atrocities, and guess what? I'm not gonna bother with this one.

Literally, just as I was about to mention how TNA is usually much better on this show, they bring out the jungle gym. Fuck. Have to climb out of the cage to win. MCMG and silly comedy wrestler's brawl, and there won't be any little Super Erics. Then again, I hear he has to use a kryptonite condom to bang chicks, and that'd kill him. Jobby Devine has his ass-kicked by EVERYONE.  Prince Justice Brotherhood are suplexed by four guys. Val dissaproves of this. Why, I'm not too sure. Jimmy Rave takes a chance to stare up William's kilt. Silly powerbomb spot, Super Eric cleans house. Maybe he could do that over here. Place isa tip. Double DVD on two guys. Quality reporting. I can only presume one was the main feature, with the other one being bonus features?

Look! It's Chris Sabin's hand. Seriously, the Guns beat the crap out of everyone, so that Sheley could point at Sabin's hand. Shelley gets Canadian Destroyed. Some retarded piledriver by Johnny Devine. Devine is winning. Devine is winning? Did I really just write that? Man, we're in bizarro world. Everyone decides to actually try to win the match. Or maybe they're just reliving their childhoods. Oh Yeeeeah, Lethal wins!

Winer: Jay Lethal

Finally, the ordeal is over. Onto the actually worthwhile parts of the show.

Chicago has a lot to answer for, being Don West's home town. And since the show was so forgettable looking, West and Tenay run over the show. I'd love to actually run Tenay and West over, on the other hand.

Jim Cornette's office! Ay per View dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. Or wrestling fans, who don't really fit into either statement. Cornette gives Foley his seat, because washed up WWE guys are more important than the people in charge. Beautiful people want Blue M&Ms. Lame angle made AWESOME by Foley.

I'm sorry, I love the hypes, but the “Bimbo Brawl” getting one? Cheapened them.

Beautiful people and Kip James vs Rhaka Khan/ODB/Rhino

Ah, Rhino. How the mighty have fallen. Maybe if he killed some more Plant pots, the office'd take him seriously again.”ODB is my brother, and Kip James is my sister” sign. Best wrestling sign since “If Cena wins, we riot”. Good man. This seems unfair to me, as it's three girls in Beautiful people and Kip James vs three men. I'd forgotten that Chicago was RoH territory, as  they give Rhino beating women a face pop. Rhino promised to gore he, apparently. I'd like to be able to promise to spear Velvet Skye. ODB is your transexeual Ricky Morton, and Rhino is Robert Gibson.  “Catfight! CAAAATFIIIIGHT!” Sometime I like to pretend I'm Joey Styles, sorry. OH MY GOD!  Yeah, I'll try to get that under control. Rhino gore'd james for a three count.

Winners: Rhino, ODB and Khan

Consequences Crred, who debuted at BFG. He forgets the colours of his flag “Red..White and Blue?” Generic Pro-America promo.

X Division-Title match: Consequnces Creed vs Sheik Abdul Bashir

Some war vet brings Creed out. Bullshit boring racist angle. Big dive on Bashir, and then standing a  table and shouting. Black people are crazy, yo. Top rope crossbody, and we have a really fast back and forth. Bashir sends Creed to the outside, posting him, and beating him down outside. Back to bac and forth wrestling. Anyway, it's a good match, but standard X fare, so not much to say. Double down, and they're up at 8. Creed goes for the pin on a backbody drop. That well known finishing move. Gets two. Shock. Press gutbuster gets two on Bashir. Bashir catches a top rope dive from Creed. Bashir gets a rollup with his hands on the ropes to win.

Winner, and still X-Division champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir

See that smaller panda? Pretend it's normal sized and is just half the picture.  Yeah.

I LOVE FOLEY! Kong and Melissa come and shout at him. Melissa Says “It doesn't matter why you're here!” Which is gimmick infringement, as Foley tells her, and threatens to call the Rock.

MORE promos for a match that I've already paid to see.

Knockouts title match: Awesome Kong vs Taylor Wilde vs Roxxi

 Everyone beats up Kong, and I miss Gail Kim. This match'd be better with Kim. Three way brawl, and it's good. Very good, to the point that I forget I'm reviewing it. It's really fast paced, to make up for being a pretty short match. Kong is sent outside, and a german suplex by Wilde pins Roxxi. Oops. I'll try to catch up the next match.

AJ's backstage with Foley. Dudleyz come in and shout at AJ and Foley. Foley shouts at Bubba for stealing his wardrobe. Awesome verbal confrontation between Foley and Bubba. Cornette's come back. Meaning that the commish Foley angles are over for the night. Lame.

Monster's Ball: Abyss/Matt Morgan w/Superior DNA vs Beer Money vs LAX vs Team 3D World Tag Titles on the line. Steve “Mongo” McMichael as ref.

I do not care. I don not care one bit about Mongo. Damn you Nicole, you were right, even I pity me at the moment. LAX get a huge pop, and we get a brawl, I could go move by move but it'd be this: Punch,punch,punch, punch,punch, punch,punch, punch,punch. Elbow drop backbreaker thingy on Roode. Homicide dives out onto Beer Money. Hernandez does the same. Copycat. Brawling. Brawling everywhere. Crutch broken over D-Von's head, and then some Ghetto-forking. Shock-treatment on Homicide. Cheesegrater shot to Abyss's crotch. Ouch. Grates Abyss's other head. Beer Money double team Bubba for two. Mongo takes thumbtacks away, after some more brawling. Mongo lariats Roode, and a pin by Homicide gets two. Hernandez Cactus clotheslines Storm out. Bubba's probably pissed that someone stole his “Mick Foley rip off” gimmick. Gimmick infringement  squared? Morgan hits a big plancha. Crossbody from space? 3D Murder Abyss on the ramp, and he's a bloody heap. Then D-Von punches Ray, letting Abyss get back into the match. Devine hits Abyss, who sells his offence.

Poor Abyss. He has to sell for Devine.

Flaming table spot, with Abyss being double chokeslammed off the ramp through the fire table. Guy catches fire, and has to be extinguishered twice. Ouch. Concern and compassion for his team partner, as Matt Morgan ignores Abyss being on fire. Missile dropick, with a leg for each of Beer Money. 'Cide's only able to take Beer Money on for a short while, however. Hernandez sit out powerbombs Storm for two. The reffing is actually taking away from the match, as Jake Roberts seemed more coherent. Jake Roberts. Doomsday Cutter, and Mongo counts to four, before the pin is broken up. NEAR FALL. Morgan botches everything. Ever. Gets a border toss, which might mean we get more competence. Waazup, Homicide? Tables are in, Hernandez cleans house. Nice to see he's accepting his mexican duty to clean American homes. Puts thumbtacks on the table, and gets 3D'd through the thumbtack table. Beer money take 3D out, and steal the pin to retain the titles.

Winners and still tag team champion: Beer Money

Mongo killed the match, and Morgan did his best too. Still, it was damn good in the usual car crash way. So far, we've had a good run in free show. Really hope it'll stay this way.

Thrown together triple threat! Booker T vs AJ Styles vs Christian Cage

So, considering that this match is pretty much an excuse to use these three guys on the show, it should be good. Cage leaves Styles and Booker to fight. Booker offers to team with Cage, who DDTs him once the back's turned. Booker strikes Cage, and we get a good three way unfolding. Booker just about kicks the crap out of Cage, as Styles is our dead guy on the outside. Styles is STILL dead on the outside, as Cage turns it back on Booker. Christian Cage then goes and has a cup of coffee with Booker, discuss the upcoming elections and the many fine details of which candidate is better, comes back and Styles is still out.

Hey look, it's Styles! Actually moving! Crazy.

Styles kicks some ass, misses a clash, hits a Phenomenon on Cage, gets 2. Booker clotheslines both, side kicks Cage out of the ring, and beats Styles down. Styles works out what no-one else has: that they don't need to keep the head politely ducked. Armdrag by Styles is turned into a  Book-End, and Styles kicks.  Spinning elbow on Booker from the top by Cage. Cage teases a Spinaroonie himself, but Styles ruins it by srpingboarding off him to hit Booker. Peles Booker and DDTs Cage. Gets 2. Front superplex and a spiral tap. Cage avoids the tap however, but as he's about to take advantage, Booker interrupts. Cage spears Styles, Booker cuts the count short. Super-Unprettier on Styles, but Booker Super-Scissor kicks Cage for three.

Winner: Booker T

Awesome match. Great from start to end, with some inventive spots. It could have been better, but nothing they did was bad.

Hype video for Jeff Jarrett vs Kurt Angle. I just can't wait for the two of them to come to the slow realisation that one of them might have to job.

Angle promo backstage. Then a Jarrett promo. No Foley promo. That makes me a sad panda.

 Jeff Jarrett vs Kurt Angle, Mick Foley as enforcer

So this is Jarrett's big in ring return to action. I for one, haven't missed him at all. Angle took over the pinning every promising young guy job pretty well. Angle takes Jarrett down a lot of times, very quickly. Angle generally outwrestles Jarrett from the start. Jarrett gets going though, answering Angle's side headlocks with side headlocks of his own.  If I had to sum this match up, I'd say “Side headlock”. Jarrett dumps Angle outside, and planchas onto him. Angle quickyl back in control though, kicking and choking Jarrett. Enzuiguri gets the match back for Jarrett, but Angle gets a nice lariat to take back the control. Takes it back with a side-headlock. Quick comeback, but another lariat gets two. Snap suplex for two.  Another headlock on Jarrett. Angle with shots on Jarrett in the corner, but misses a charge. Jarrett DDTs Angle, and we get a double count. Punches traded, with Jarrett taking the advantage, hitting a clothesline and protobomb. Jarrett runs into a belly to belly suplex, unfortunately enough for him. Angle stalks Jarrett for the DDT, but he hits a DDT to escape. Jocking for position on the top, and Jarrett gets the Superplex. Figure Four leglock in the middle of the ring. Angle escapes and hits the three germans. Straps down, Jarrett goes for the powerbomb, Anlge rolls thorugh, Jarrett rolls through, slapping a lock on. Jeff escapes the lock, Angle hits the slam, Jarrett kicks, angle goes for the moonsault, Jarrett rolls out, ref bumps. Jarrett strokes Angle, gets two, Mick counts, but only gets two. Angle goes low on Jarrett, chairs Foley. Foley mandibles Angle, allowing Jarrett to guitar shot Angle for the win.

 Winner: Jeff Jarrett

Solid psychology and a red hot crowd add an extra star to what I expected. As imagined, neither had to job clean.

Overdramatic hype video!

Sting gets his own overdramatic hype video, before making his way to the ring. Joe does the Goldberg entrance, before getting his own.

TNA World Title Match: Samoa Joe vs Sting

“In his mind, he's the world champion”-Don West on Samoa Joe. Uh, I'm pretty sure he IS the world champ, Don.

J.B in the ring for our introductions.

Sting throws punches, and gets sent outside early, and dived onto. Shots being fired off on Sting, who's sent into the crowd. Crowd brawl, and Joe gets a great running dropkick from the top to Sting on the stairs. Sting hits a similar crossbody in the crowd, going from the railings to Joe in the crowd. Sting shout, Joe crotches Sting across the barrier, and running boots him. Joe throws Sting back in, having kicked Sting's ass some more. “Joe's Gonna Kill You” chant breaks out. Jumping enzuiguri on Sting, put in musclebuster position, but gets tornado DDT'd. Jumping forearm from the top. Powerbomb into STF. Love that move. Sting escapes. Snap powerslam gets two on Sting. Sting gets the splash and MUSCLEBUSTERS Joe, who no sells. Chops on Sting, lariat, Deathdrop, which Sting no sells. Splash to the back on Joe, to the front, sent to other corner, takes the catch uranage from Joe. Joe watches Sting. Sting struggles back up to his feet, and Joe kicks the legs out from under Sting, and brutally kicks him as he tries to get up. Ref counting Sting, who's down, and Joe lays in with punches. Out comes Nash. Ho hum. Chops and a DDT on Sting, and doesn't go for a pin. Sting goes for the bat, but Nash pulls it away. Joe lariats Sting, getting a two count.

Ref bumps, Nash bat shots Joe as he hits the ropes. Death drop, and a three count.

Winner and new TNA World Champion: Sting

Easily the best match Sting has had in a decade. Joe was awesome as champ, and I wish the finish wasn't screwy, but it didn't take away from a great match with great psychology. The build may have sucked, but the match itself was brilliant. Also possibly the best match Sting's ever had with anyone not called Ric Flair.

All in all, this show was frustrating, in that it's everything I wish TNA would do more often. The first half was you so-so standard fare for a TNA PPV. Everything from the ball onwards was great though. Next month I'll be back to mediocrity, but October is always the moth of the year which reminds me how good TNA could be if they did it right, and lived up to their potential.

I'm Neil Cathan, I hope you enjoyed reading about the show.

Send feedback to Neil Cathan

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).