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TNA 
BOUND FOR GLORY
2007
(10/14/07)
 
Something I never remember first. I could give excuses, but it’s not fair to fail to do it. Go check out Gersh struggle and succeed to make the 1 hour C show vastly more entertaining than it should be. The Good Mr. Burge makes the A-show seem like it with his RAW rant. Catherine Perez provides another weekly dose of the best thing on the internet. Charley Martin, my co-sufferer in Russo booking, is continuing to be the best newcomer anywhere, and Anthony Dean is managing to survive recapping a show that not only features Batista, but also The Great Khali. Egads, that’s gotta hurt. There we go. It’s always stupidly late when I finish, and I forget, so I’m doing it first this time.

Welcome, to the greatest recap written three days after you’ve all read the results, and sometimes posted up to a week afterwards EVER! TNA’s biggest show of the year, and it should be a…well; it’ll be totally variable, like every TNA show. As usual, I’ve avoided reading the results, so you get my mark out moments in full.

Hype video plays. It’s the usual overdramatic spiel. They talk about what Sting, Angle, Styles, Abyss, Christian and Samoa Joe are going to do. It’s a fun video. I like the TNA opening videos, no matter how silly they sometimes are.

Opening contest

XXX vs. LAX, for no.1 contendership to tag titles. Ultimate X match.

Crowd are hot for both teams, despite two heel teams.

Both teams go to the corners to climb to the top, and the action spills outside. Skipper and Homicide in the ring, Skipper goes running, and Hernandez springboard shoulderblocks him. Catapult into bearhug, and LAX start double teaming Skipper. Homicide goes up, but Skipper stops him. Senshi the frankly terrifying enters the ring and stiffs Hernandez down. Double team on ‘Cide, and Ki starts kicking at Hernandez, who throws him across the ring. Crucifix backbreaker on Skipper. Hernandez starts working Skipper, and ‘Cide is climbing across, but Low Ki knocks him from there. Hernandez works Ki for a while, but Senshi returns with kicks. Dragon Clutch using the ropes on Hernandez, and Skipper belly to bellies Homicide. Nice knife edge from Hernandez. Senshi sent to outside with shoulderblock, and Homicide suicida topes to the outside. Skipper is climbing, but didn’t make sure Hernandez was down, and pays for the mistake. Hernandez very impressively climbs to the middle, but a missile dropkick takes him down. Obi Wan to Homicide’s Vader climbs to the middle, and Hernandez powerbombs him from there. Crossbody from top of support structure to Hernandez by Skipper. Homicide starts climbing, and Skipper follows. SICK neckbreaker from the X. Guy who looked like Danny Masterson briefly distracted me. Oh shit, there’s a match going on here. Warrior’s Way on Homicide. Huge crackerjack for Old Ben over the top. Goes for a dive, and Skipper stops him. Bordertoss for Skipper onto Darth and Kenobi. Hernandez snakes across, grabbing the X.

Winners: LAX.
Seems kinda like the face pops have turned these guys face with no fanfare or particular moment, as they cleanly beat a heel team, and got contendership to a title that either way, at the end of tonight will go to a heel team.

Scottish fan fucks around with flag for an age behind commentators. Looked really damn nervous doing it. Card is run down by Tenay and his retard helper.

Long haired blonde is talking to AJ and Tomko. AJ thanks his parents for his body, and Tomko does the whole very serious thing. AJ’s hometown. Guess that means that he’s losing.

Fight for the right. Reverse battle royal. Fuckbuggery. Rave, Hoyt, Havok, Sharky, Petey, Kazy, Motor City Machine Guns-y? Gandutt. Those guys who want out of TNA, and who I want off my screen. James Storm, for some reason not tearing it up in Monster’s Ball, despite being an excellent hardcore worker, some other guys, and Harris, who I’m just as confused about the lack of Monster’s Ball for. All 16 wrestlers outside. Crap. Kaz and Roode couple off. Ain’t it sweet. Fatu is in, and Kaz hits a nuts move off the top rope, both in. Shelley in, and Hoyt throws Young, who avoids, getting in the ring. Tournament based on results of this match. Overbooking. I smell Russo. Storm gets in before Harris, and we have our 8. Storm for some reason hid, rather than just trying to enter. Storm is tossed by Young. Eww, rephrase that in your head. Young offers Fatu Storm’s beer, and Fatu slaps his ass, before Young does the same. Machineguns, Hoyt and Young all get asscrashed in corner. Hoyt gets Stinkfaced. Running big boot for Fatu, and a dropkick fails to fell Fatu. Hoyt and Roode fail to throw Fatu, and everyone helps out. Fatu out. Kaz springboards into a chokeslam, and Hoyt gets some awesome double teams, as does Roode. Young helps MCM with a submission, and is put in one, rocket launcher on Roode. Kaz fly kicks Sabin out as Sabin goes to the apron, and DDTs Shelley. Kaz and Roode fight, and both avoid elimination. Uranage on Kaz from Apron takes him out. Hoyt up top for moonsault, and is thrown out by Roode. Shelley and Young work Roode. Young is thrown into Shelley, who falls to mat. One on One match here between Young and Roode. Trade shots. Backsuplex is turned into pin, and story here is Roode dominating Young. Young knocks Roode down, and misses a moonsault, and Roode tries for a suplex, but is rolled up for 3.

Winner: Eric Young

Hype video for the tag titles match. Interview with tag champs.

Next up: The Tag Titles match.

Pacman’s been forced by those evil ghosts to not wrestle tonight, so there’s a stand-in. Kurt and Karen argue.

Team White Southern Boys vs Team Black People. TNA Tag Team titles.

Yeah. TNA’s not even vaguely racist here. I mean it’s not like they rehired the only black person they had on the roster to rap, just to team with another black guy. AJ and Tomko come out, and AJ is waving to someone in the crowd. Oh gee, it’s another Black Person. There’s a shock. Hey TNA, maybe you could give your Indian guy a Gandhi gimmick. That might make you even more racist. What do you mean, that’s all ready happened.

Afro. Cool. Consequnces tries to outwrestle AJ. Mistake. He seems pretty good though. Arm drag on AJ, and there’s some good back and forth here. Tomko tags in, and I get the feeling the entertaining part is over. Killings tags in, and confirms my view. Missle dropkick on Tomko, and a spinny thing. Killings does the break-dance kicks. Consequences is in, and gets a big boot. We’re back with the workers of this match, and after some dodging around, AJ hits a beautiful dropkick. Gotta love Styles. He congratulates people by telling them that if this was a roleplaying game, they would have just levelled up. I digress. It was fun though. Killings is in and faceplants AJ. ZOMGPele!!!11!LOLZ! I like the move, but DW is still ejaculating over it. Lovely gutbuster on Killings as match goes to all four men. Great belly to belly into turnbuckle by Consequences. Pacman pulls the rope as Tomko charges, and down goes Mr. Tomko. Killings dives onto Consequences and Tomko. Styles springboard 450s onto all three. Pacman gets money out for Bribe. AJ takes the money from his hands, and it goes flying as Killings rolls up Styles. Hebner is too busy collecting it to count a pin. Trying to start up another illegal shop there, Earl? Corkscrew neckbreaker gets three.
Winner: AJ Styles and TomKKKo. That name can only result in a push for you in TNA Tyson. Go for it.

Karen tries to get Nash to talk to Angle, and he eventually agrees. Hype video for Daniels vs Lethal. No-one mentions that Daniels held the title longer than anyone else, so I will.

Jay Lethal vs. Christopher Daniels: X Division title.

Heh. Black Machismo is from Elizabeth New Jersey.

This should be good. Leapfrogs and shoulderblock trades. Daniels unloads chops onto Lethal, who returns with strikes of his own. Springboard frankensteiner, Daniels tumbles to the outside, and gets a suicida tope for his trouble. Hiptoss on the outside. Back in the ring, Lethal sledges Daniels. Clothesline to the outside on Daniels. Rights, but Daniels drills Lethal into guardrail, and over. Angel starts talking to “God.” Thanks for horrible portrayals of Christians TNA. They’re not all crazy Mormons who believe God is telling them to kill their wife and children. Huh. Wonder if GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED was a Mormon. Daniels in control in the ring., and is controlling the champ. Crossface. Aha! The similarities continue. Lethal sent to corner. Crucifix pin for Daniels, and as Lethal goes running, he catches a enzuiguri, and is choked. Spinout powerbomb for BM, back suplex is flipped out of, and Lethal gets going again. Headscissors, and quick offense. Suplex and bridge on Daniels. Gets two. Enzuiguri, but the superkick misses, and Lethal gets a rollup for two., followed by a faceplant. Gets 2. Chop and a whip on Daniels, Lethal springboards into a running Death Valley Driver. Lethal kicks out of a B.M.E. Lethal avoids Last Rites, and hits a full nelson overhead suplex on Daniels. Yeah, I’d buy that as a finish. Daniels misses the rana, from the top, and Lethal misses an elbow. Daniels covers for 2. Daniels puts Lethal up on the top, where they trade shots and Lethal hits an inverted S.T.O from the top for the win.

Winner: Jay Lethal

Steiners cut a promo on Team 3D. FATASSES is the only word I’m understanding.

I’ve lost track of who’s a face or a heel in this company. Apparently, in the upcoming match, Steiners=Good, while 3D=Bad.

2/3 Tables match Steiners vs Team 3D.

Steiner's arms are a bit scary. There’s a drug testing policy coming in soon. Scott’s screwed if it’s a legit one. Steienrs attack 3D as they come out. 3D are being dominated by the Steiners.Uranageplex on Ray. Looked pretty cool. 3D walk back and Steiners follow. Steiner mists D-Von. WITH BEER. Awesome. Trashcan shot for Ray, and Rick takes D-Von into the crowd. Steiners take 3D out in the crowd. DW has clearly been playing EWR recently, as he uses the word “Discombobulate” 3D start making a comeback, and hit the 3D on Rick through the table. Set Scott up for a table bump, as Ray goes up top, but Scott fights back. Scott botches the frankensteiner, and Ray just kinda throws himself through a table. Splash from D-Von misses, and S.S lays in clotheslines. Buh-Buh removes his studded belt and starts whipping S.S. Buh-Buh gets a chair, and D-Von gets what D-Von always gets. Buh Buh gets a second chair. Table is too weak for super steroid Steiner (S.S.S) 3D try a second one. S.S.S doesn’t break a table via lying on top, and as Buh Buh holds chair on S.S.S’s throat, with D-Von w/ chair on top, Machineguns distracts, allowing Steiner to hit s Doomsday Bulldog on D-Von through a table.

Winner: Steiners

Apparently, rather than hiring talented workers, like Shimmer, TNA is going for the cheesecake approach. All the knockouts flee and Kong is behind J.B. I really hope that MsChif is in the match. I absolutely love her banshee gimmick.

First women’s Title. Gautlet match.

Brookes is out first, followed by Jackie Moore. Who will heroically carry her. Kick excahnge, and Moore with a series of rights, and starts dominating Brookes. I’d like to dominate Ms. Brookes. Out comes Shelley Martinez, who apparently knows lucha libre. By which she means a shitty neckbreaker. Senton from top on Martinez. Out comes Awesome Kong. Moore is only one looking unafriad of Kong, and Kong sees off all three. ODP, who was running the other knockouts down backstage, is coming out, and Kong hits a beautiful Tiger Driver on Moore, and eliminates all three, ODP fails to do anything to Kong. Angel Williams on her way to ringside,, jumps on Kong’s back, ala Joey Styles on King at One Night Stand 2. Enzuiguri by Angel on Kong. ODP/Angel fail to land the double suplex. Hemme on her way to ringside. Hemme really should have been pushed differently. Argentine Backbreakerrack on Hemme, who is then sit out powerbombed. Gail Kim is out next, and takes it right to Kong. Gets flung to the corner, and as the other two fight Kong and fail, Hemme is apparently injured. Gail gets a headscissors on Kong and holds onto it, as the others help Kong over the top. And boob reveal. Talya is out next, and Angel guillotines her, pnly for Kim and someone else I care not for by nature of not being Gail Kim eliminate her. Voodoo Queen is out last, and I’m angry. No MsChif. Great forearms in the corner on Talya. Kim is delivering, and throws Tala at same time as VQ sends ODP out. Fallaway slam on Kim for two. Octopus hold on VQ by Kim. TAP! Nope, all my all caps can’t give me the winner I want…yet. VQ avoids a dropkick from the top, and covers for 2. Kim rolls up a Gory stretch for tow. Powerbomb into bridge gets two on Kim. Air Raid Siren on VQ by Gail Kim lets her take the title! Hurray!

Winner: Your Heroine and mine, Gail Kim

Nask talks to Angle backstage about talking Sting down. Angle mocks Nash’s physical condition.

Hype video for Cage vs Joe. Which’ll be kinda awesome.

Samoa Joe vs Christian Cage, Matt Morgan enforces.

Morgan comes out all greased up. Apparently he doesn’t need the whole shirt and tie thing for enforcing. Cage out to big pop. Joe, complete with Firedancer entrance, comes out, and this is gonna be a bit awesome.

Joe gets in Morgan’s face. Joe’s gonna kill Cage, according to the fans. Cage ties up with Joe, who drops him on his face. Cage tries to escape a headlock, shoving Joe to the ropes, but shouldblock floors him. Duelling chants. Cage slaps Joe, who strikes back, and gets the wizard in the corner, facewashing him, but missing the charge, Cage with chops, runs into the orner, and eats a leg lariat. Tastes like PAIN. Cage tries to get up, and eats stiff kicks. Flapjack and kneedrop. Chops and a corner dopkick on Cage. Nice leverage kick from Cage on Joe, but Cage misses his jump to the outside, and Joe hits a suicide forearm.. Joe sits Cage against the guardrail, and ole kicks him face into the guardrail, which falls back into crowd. Christian flipped into a DDt on the outside. Joe vs Caqe has now, all three times been about 10 times better than Joe vs Angle. Joe with some nice shits, but runs into a back elbow. Christian with a triangle choke. Inverted DDT gets 2. Cage misses the frogsplash.Trading shots, and as Cage slingshots over the apron, Joe catches him with a jumping stiff kick, sending him outside. Cage tries to leave, but is sent back to ringside by Morgan, and Joe corkscrews onto Cage, and hits a pair of lariats. Cage goes for moonsault, but Joe just sidesteps. Super stiff lariat gets 2. Sets Cage up for Musclebuster, avoided. Unprettier gets avoided, and Joe powerbombs Cage inot the turnbuckle. Dropkick and running senton gets two.Cage powerbombs Joe from the corner. Gets two. Coquina Clutch avoided. Powerslam gets two. Joe pushes Cage from the top as they jockey for position, out comes Tomko, and Morgan brawls with him, as Styles tries to enter the ring, only to be stopped as well. Morgan chases them back, and Cage low blows and hits the Unprettier. Choke applied to Joe. Joe pushes Cage back to the corner, nails a awesome kick, and hits the musclebusterm before slapping on a Coquina Clutch for the tap.

Winner, having ended Cage’s undefeated streak: Samoa Joe

Nash goes to talk to Sting. Sting tells us it’s not bout wrestling, summing TNA up in a sentence. We gte a nice close up shot of Sting’s hearing aid.

Hype video for Monster’s Ball. Which won’t be as good as the second one. None can beat the second MB.

Monster’s Ball. Raven vs Abyss vs Black Reign vs Rhino Announcers pretend that this is the 4th Monster’s Ball, as supposed to all those ones they’ve done at house shows. Rhino is out after the heels, and gets a quick advantage, before numbers game works him. Out comes Abyss, and all men step back to try and stop him. Abyss launches the offense on both heels. Rhino must be outside ring. Abyss gets caned by Raven, who ctahcs a shopping cart. Raven gets DTH’d onto a shopping cart. Rhino lays Raven out with a trashcan, and puts it in Reign’s crotch, before caning it. Reign sent outside, Raven into shopping cart, and Rhino/Abyss brawl. Rhino clotheslines Abyss out and over the ropes. Rhino continues his domination.Split off into Abyss vs Reign and Raven vs Rhino brawls. Ste up for Gore on Abyss against wall, but Abyss ducks, as Rhino takes a big fall. Raven, who bladed earlier, puts Abyss on table stack, going to the balcony abouve, where he tells Reign to make the jump. Reign won’t do it, and gets thrown to the side, so Raven hits the elbow from there himself. Reign carries Abyss to ring, covers for two, and Raven pulls him out. Reign does the same to Raven, and the pair start to brawl. Shattered dreams on Raven. Abyss has the tacks, but Reign hits the pedigree. Abyss should be down for the next few days from that. Law dictates as much. GORE! On Black Reign. Raven kendos Rhino, and spills the tacks onto the mat. Mitchell comes out, handing Raven glass. Raven goes for the Raven effect, countered intoa Black Hole Slam for three.

Winner: Abyss

Decent hardcore match. Not as good as the second one though. You need at least one crazy high flyer to really make the match special.

Apparently both Sting and Angle won titles in Atlanta.

Sting down to ringside, to big pop. Fans are unsure of how to react to the face again/heel again Angle, he seems to be a heel again. Great crowd sign reads “Angle fears HAIR” Genius.

Sting vs Angle: TNA World Heavyweight Title
Standing switch in the ring, and Sting has Angle against the ropes. Armbar on Sting reversed. Angle reaches the ropes, and Sting makes a quick take down as we go back to a tie up. Shoulderblock on Sting, goes back in and gets hiptossed. Angle goes outside, and slowly returns back to the ring .European uppercut and chops on Sting. Sting with punches on Angle in corner. Angle starts striking back. Angle sent to ropes, Sting misses a dropkick, but hits a second attempt. Sting clotheslines Angle off top, and sends Angle into guardrail. Angle put on announce table, and Sting breaks the count. Angle thrown back into ring. Apparently nothing was going to happen with the announce table. Sting dodges a charge, and Angle hits the cornerpost shoulder first. Backbreaker and a two count. Suplex on Sting gets two. Bodyscissors on Sting, Transfer to a sleeper, and Sting fights out, goes running and catches a belly-to-belly. Chinlock on Sting. Double clothesline spot takes both men down. Count gets to 8. Sting starts firing shots , and scores two clotheslines, before Angle tales it back and goes running, Sting with a Spinebuster for two. Stinger Splash, second one to Angle’s back. Followed by a bulldog. Spiderman suplex on Sting as he goes up top. Angle Slam countered into a roll up for two. German suplexes: 1,2,3 of them. Gets 1,2, but no 3 count. Straps down, ankle lock applied, Sting fights out into Scorpion Deathlock. Karen comes down to ringside. Nash down to ringside as Ref makes sure Karen’s gone. Nash clotheslines Sting, ad Kurt gets an Angle Slam. 2 Count only. Angle sets Sting up for a belly to belly from the top, and Sting pushes him off, only to get knees on a splash from the top. Moonsault or something I missed gets two on Sting. Ankle lock applied, and Sting struggles out, slaps Nash and Death Drops Angle. New ref on way to ringside, makes a two count, but Nash pulls him out, Nash works Sting SLOWLY in the corner and as they double whip Sting, he hits the double clothesline on the pair. Angle low blows Sting, and swings with Sting’s bat. Sting grabs the bat, and lays into both Angle and Nash. Scorpion Death Drop No. 2 for the 3 count. Sting sure does have a lot of blood on his face.

Winner, and new TNA World Heavyweight Champion

Sting celebrates his victory in the middle of the ring

Right, that’s done. I had fun reviewing the show, and I hope you had a good time reading it.

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).