WHEN WRESTLING MERCHANDISE GOES BAD

An insane look at those items lost to time/better sense.

by Sean Carless

January 12, 2011

For every iconic Austin 3:16 shirt you bought, wore and remembered with pride (kind of), there was a Stone Cold condoms (and why would Stone Cold even need them? If he accidentally got a girl pregnant, he could just punch her in the stomach. PROBLEM SOLVED.) - an actual legit item from one bald-headed champ to your own, that apparently somehow fell through the cracks (no pun intended. I swear), of WWE marketing, eventually disappearing forever and becoming the occasional "remember that'?". THIS IS WHERE WE COME IN. Through your bedroom window. While you slumber. (We raped you.).

Despite originally being intended as a one-off Top 10 list of WORST merchandise ever, and being fueled by my crack team of researchers (amongst other drugs), I instead decided that since I came into SO many ridiculous options in my travels (well, the confines of my apartment, anyway), that I would probably just be better suited to presenting them individually in what I hope will be a regular update here - a look at that wrestling merch that is probably best forgotten. Sometimes it will be a one-note gag, other times I may be inspired to go balls out (penis, too, because I have no self control). Basically, like Forrest Gump's mama once said about chocolates, and like my own frequently says about those ladies whom I seek comfort with, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET. (AIDS? Probably.).

Onto the update!

WWE FINGER RINGS!
AGAIN, THAT'S FOR YOUR FINGERS. AND NOT YOUR COCK.

And that said, who would ever want to even wear a WWE-inspired ring, of any sort? How far does one's fandom take them? (Mordor?). Maybe if it made you invisible like that one-ring, and not just to the ladies, I'd understand. But I don't. I just don't get it. And I say this as a guy who once owned a home-made sweatshirt at 15 with the Mega Powers scanned onto it - And as a guy who couldn't figure out until his thirties that this was not a good thing.

But hey, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe owning such a ring will bring on great riches and prestige; a sacred rite of passage via wearing it; a symbol that gains you secret entry and lifetime membership into an ancient underground society ... filled entirely with dude's who've never had sex. The bones & only bones society, they'll call it. While desperately waiting for its first ever female member. Before eventually turning into bones themselves when that day never comes.

Anyway, speaking of rings, and stupidity, and annoying dwarves on vision quests... this takes us to our first sample; wrestling's most misunderstood midget (or perhaps not), HORNSWOGGLE~!

Or should I say, Zardoz! Jesus. Didn't this giant fucker make life miserable for Sean Connery in the 70's? We'll know WWE too sees the resemblance if they have Chavo Guerrero wearing a big red diaper next Thursday.

Poor Chavo. I think that'd definitely be the breaking point. I mean, a cow costume. An eagle costume. The fact Eddie still probably has more hair than him. I'm telling you, dude's just one big crimson pair of lederhosen away from likely giving himself a call to remind him that the dogs are by the pool area.

Up next we have the Undertaker...

Dear Christ! Who injected George Carlin with the T-Virus? That just might be the most terrifying jewelry I've ever seen. Homeless Undertaker gettin' his rape face on. Gettin' ready to bury a stiff....whether you're willing or not.

Oh. And for the record. There's no getting rid of this ring, no matter how hard you try, trust me; be it fire; burial, whatever. It'll just come back maybe 6 months later, regardless. Slower. And balder.

Finally, we have Rey Mysterio....

WAIT. WHAT? Is that even a ring? Or a sex-doll? Man. I think I'd want to wear a mask all the time, too, if this was the face I was permanently left with. (Or it was date night.). BOOYAKA, BOOYAKA, ONE, 69. He's already waiting for your west coast pop. Ok, that's it for this week's filler edition. I'll be back soon with more products, and hopefully a more sensitive disposition. (Probably not.).

I'm Sean.
All product suggestions, comments and congratulatory hugs can be sent HERE.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.