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GIANT GONZALEZ: MISUNDERSTOOD TECHNICIAN

by Canadian Bacon

August 21, 2004


The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan


So this is my debut column? Fantastic11!!! I just hope that I can live up to all the bigtime great wrestling debuts of the past like Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle and Mr. Hughes. Huge shoes to fill I know (and not snow shoes like my northern neighbour the dirty Eskimo) but I have confidence in my skills which I think you’ll see pretty much speak for themselves (THEY'RE AWESOME) only not literally because they're skills and that'd be kind of scary and startling.

First of all, it has to be said: I am not a satire writer. I don’t write anything funny or even interesting about WRESTLING. Noticed I said "wrestling" and not "Rasslin" which the owner of this site in his faggoty ignorance tends to use quite a bit. Have some respect, niggerface. The sport I love is called pro wrestling, and it was actually invented by the greeks sometime around the time of the jesus. It's true!!!! Until then all they did was fuck each other in the ass but then wrestling came along and united them as a people so much so that today they make delicious sandwiches. Really! It's true! And good thing they finally found the completely hetero combat between two gloriously oiled musclemen to finally distract them from all that silly homosexuality and pastel colors! (silly greeks! Did  yous guys not learn anything from the Bible story of Soderizing and Gemoorah? God  HATES butt fucking and the binding of metals through high heat!). But that's all done now thanks to the sport of Kings. (originated by Arthur when he threw Lancelot through a Barber shop window).  I means, really, who's got time for assplay when you're trying to grind down and passionately ride another naked gladiator until he accepts your muscley might or lays flat and takes your pin?! Come on! And yes, all this took place atop a  magical place called Mount Olympus! It was prolly called that because as mentioned all they did was mount each other in dirty gay lust! So I suppose this "Olympus" fellow wouldn't be much different! Yes~! Wrestling. I love it and the manliness of its healing powers. History lesson complete!!!!1111

Anyways, as for me, your pal CB, I was born a baby and raised in God’s country, Saskatchewan Canada, and have been watching wrestling for my whole life and if I could have in the womb I would have, too!!!! . Sadly though there was no cable feed in there. Bah, I say. If they can put salad tongs in there to grasp what I was told was an inordinately small head, you can't tell me they couldn't have maybe found a way to maneuver a tiny little TV in my mom's vag!  It'd have been nice! You can only be entertained by your dad's penis making an occasional visit so much after all! i'm telling yous!

Anyways, that said, there's not much I don't knows about Wrestling, its history and its wrestling history. In fact my friends (and I have millions here in Saskatchewan) tell me that I’m the most knowledgeable guy they know when it comes to knowledge. Heck I’m practically an insider! I mean, did you know that the abdominal stretch was actually invented in the 40's by a man named Wilbur Abdominal? IT'S TRUE. Some people with packs of lies and such will tell you it was Wilbur Snyder, but the truthiness is Wilbur was brought into this world as Wilbur Abdominal, and only changed his name to "Snyder" when he felt he was becoming typecast! "I'm know more submission holds. Seriously!" he was often heard yelling before putting on another namesake stretch for 45 minutes straight with no other holds until curfew expired. It was heartbreaking.

Anyways what I don’t like though is this IWC business. What is the IWC anyway? Sounds like some god forsaken Puerto Rican federation like the one that Bruised Brody was murdered or dare I say KILLED in. I don’t go for this smark stuff. So you can keep all your Smark talk there, Scott Keith. I prefer to speak for the REAL fans! Those who saw Damien dimento as the true Artist he was. And besides, what the heck is a smart mark? Isn’t that like calling yourself an idiotgenius because they're like equal parts stupid and smart?!!! Ya  I WENT there!

I don’t like people who think they know better like Scott keith and his star ratings. Pardon my french, but Scott Keith’s doesn't know anything accept maybe about eating and being handsome so who needs him?. Besides, no one tough or important ever came from Alberta, except Stu Hart, but he was really from Saskatchewan. Betcha didn’t know that! It's true! But when he decided it was time to settle down and get his fuck on, he and Helen shit out their glorious brood right here in...wait. They did it in Alberta. Ignore this part.

 I just don’t really go for these star ratings either. It’s prolly cause I invented them and am still sore that he stole the whole concept from me! Of course, mine weren’t stars. I always preferred to use moons. I mean you can actually have half a moon, or a quarter of a moon. You CANNOT divide a star, bub. Not unless you want a super nova on your hands, and I don’t think you want that! Universal obliteration and all that! Not Good. Trust me! It's horrible!

Also you hear certain people who think they’re geniuses or even brilliant or something. Well unlike these people I’m actually in the business. I’ve handed out signs for the booker and wiped the ring ropes when the SWF came rolling into town back in 98. What have you ever done? Besides sit there all gay and stupid and prolly gay too? Exactly.

Anyway these ignorant types like to pretend they’re so smart spouting off things like Hulk Hogan sucks and the leg drop sucked too. THE LEG DROP DID NOT SUCK! I mean you never saw Andre kick out of it, right? And he was a GIANT. A real life legit Giant! It's true. His Mom wouldn't have named him Andre The Giant if she wasn't bigtime confident he'd grow up to be tall.

Also some people on message boards like to start silly rumours about certain wrestlers like they knowitall. Take Ultimate Warrior. I’ve tried to tell people for years that there was TWO warriors (the first died in a motorcycle accident in the late 80s) but there’s always someone who comes out and argues!  Do these people not have ears and see it for themselves? It’s so obvious that there was two it’s not funny. Even the guy who plays Warrior now likes to say “I’m the only one damn it!”-- but you just know he has to say that to throw off the trail! What is he going to do, admit it? I mean the proof is in the pudding. (not real pudding). First off, they had different haircuts. And I don't think I need to tell you how next to impossible that is to change. (Science has its limits!). And second and such? He was from PARTS UNKNOWN. There's tons of facepainted guys living there all itching to be wrestlers who'd LOVE to be a Warrior, I'm tellin' you. Parts Unknown churns out more pure wrestling talent then even Calgary! It's the city of Champions! So, ya, there’s two Ultimate warriors. Case closed, so, "if the Warrior fits you must do something clever that rhymes with Warrior and fitting."

This takes us to right now.  Wait. No, now. Many thanks to the marginally talented (but he's trying!) Dr. Gonzo for giving me a chance to show my stuff (and not my penis. There was confusion once. I don't like to talk about it.). And thanks to everyone else here! Whoever you are! I’d love to read your columns but I don’t have time, so sorry. (I'm very important.).

Anyway. here’s a topic near and dear to my heart:

Giant Gonzalez: Misunderstood Technician.

There’s always a lot of people who don’t give Giant Gonzalez the bigtime props he deserves. (Not literal big props to make him feel more at home (Argentina, Africa) because he's a giant and comfortable furniture is a rarity.). It’s because of these people that he prolly never got a chance in the WWF even though he was a really good wrestler.

Giants tend to get a lot of flack by so called smarks. Heck, even the other wrestlers would bust their balls-- which I'd assume wouldn't be too hard due to the size. I can’t tell you how many times Hulk Hogan called people like Big Show and Andre “stinky, wart infested” which I always felt was kinda hurtfulness. And for the life of me I don’t remember ever seeing actual warts anywhere on Andre or Paul Wight. I don’t know bout the stinky part though. When your that big it’d prolly be pretty hard to wipe your bum. (that might explain the fur diaper Giant Gonzalez wore).

Anyways, Gonzalez wrestled in WWF (Not “E”) in 1993 and prolly should have been champion because he's tall and so LEGIT MUSCULAR artists and such had to actually make him wear a suit with painted muscles to tone it down! Its true! somewhere! He actually started his craft in WCW where he wrestled as El Gigante. I’m not sure what gigante really means (it's German) but I’d guess it meant something about being big. Could be wrong though.

He was originally drafted to the NBA but Ted Turner said “wow, this guy should be wrestler and wear fur on his ass” and made him a wrestler instead of letting him play basketball. Lucky for us! Imagine if he had been allowed to play basketball. We would never have seen what he could do in the ring and that would have been unfortunate.

He was the master of the dreaded and feared claw, better known to educated fans as the iron claw. And you just know it hurt cause iron’s really hard, not as hard as stone (see Ronny Garvin) but prolly pretty close.

I read before where people said he was green which was silly. He was more like a soft beige or light brown pallette. He was also a natural athlete. You’d have to be to play basketball! (it’s not like he played just cause he was tall). And If Gigante was really such a bad wrestler as people say, then why did he have such a good match with the terrible Ric Flair then? Answer me that. I’ll tell you. The answer is T-A-L-E-N-N-T. That’s right. Talennt. (the second N is silent).

Some people think Ric Flair is like a god  or a beautifully rounded Buda or something but Gigante had to be doing something right to pull something out of Naitch, AMIRITE?. And I hate this broomstick thing people are always saying. “Ric Flair could wrestle a broom stick” they say. Why would he want to wrestle a broom stick? Talk about your boring match right there! And you know last time I checked a broom stick doesn’t hit back and it certainly cannot give you a mighty waste-level choke slam this I can assure you!

Sometimes I think Gigante would be better off if he stayed in WCW. I mean he had a great feud with the Van Vader and the Vader even won the world title! So that means Gigante would be champion. It’s just basic math if you think about it. We never saw how this classic rivalry ended, and last I remember the Vader used his big goat mask to burn El Gigante with steam and such! Wow. That was hardcore (and hardcore hadn’t even been invented yet!!!). Gigante had to be all man to take that. I mean hot steam, wow! Any of us who has ever been burned by a hot cup of tea or rad when laying our snowy mittens can attest to that. It smarts!

When he got to the WWF they gave him a suit with fur. Man was it cool looking! I mean being a giant is scary enough, but when you add fur to the package man it still send shivers down my spine! In fact if they want to get big John Heidenrich popular they need to put him in a hairy suit! Yes! Genius! The suit is money in the bank and people would mark for it I promise! I mean it worked for Barbarian and I don’t think I need to you tell you he was prolly the most over guy in the company in 1990.

Some people ask why he was made to wear the suit and I think WWF likely made him wear a bodysuit because Undertaker was jealous of Gigante’s natural physique cause he had to wrestle in a shirt himself he thought everyone else should to.

They started calling him Giant Gonzalez and he attacked Undertaker and did what no one else could he beat him down in the royal Rumble and manhandled him like no one ever did until the next guy! But what did you expect, he was an honest to god giant! (its not just a clever marketing phrase!)

 Truthfully though I actually never really wanted to see this match though (although he and Undertaker did have the best match at Wrestlemania 9). I mean why go with Undertaker as the feud when you had a built in money feud with Kamala? Hello?They even speak the same language: dirty savage.  Thank you.

Anyways, Gonzalez really took it to Taker at wrestle mania and dominated the deadman despite Undertakers black parrot he came to ring with that prolly would have intimidated anyone. Anyone but Giant Gonzalez that is!

You know with Gonzalez it was the little things that made him great. Like his selling for example. If you asked anyone in the business who worked with him, I’m sure they’d agree that he always made things look believable. From the way he took his bumps to the emotion on his scary face, you never knew that what you were watching wasn’t fake. He was that good.

Also Gonzalez at times could move like a really old cat in the ring, and sometimes you’d swear he wasn’t almost nine feet tall! WWF liked to say eight feet, but you know how they lie about stuff like that.

Anyway Undertaker got the win by disqualification that night (boo!) and then Gonzalez seemed to disappear after that which I never understood. I mean you never saw less of HBK the next year at Wrestlemania ten when he had the best match, did you? It should have been the same with Giant Gonzalez. Because let's face it, Shawn Michaels is NO Giant Gonzalez. Now imagine Giant with a  seven foot ladder. By my math, that'd make him somewhere in the neighburhood of 35 feet tall, give or take! TERRIFYING!

It’s just too bad we never got to see Andre against Giant Gonzalez before Andre died. But WWF prolly wanted to save Andre for Earthquake cause Earthquake broke Andre’s leg and the pain from that prolly killed Andre. Damn you Earthquake. I heard he was even buried in that hound's tooth jacket and the mortician couldn't get the pit stains out and i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy but mostly 'cause it doesn't make sense.

Anyway Giant Gonzalez let Undertaker beat him at Summer Slam and helped get the Dead man over (he was not really that popular at the time). Gonzalez then left soon after for good and that was the last we saw of him which was a huge shocks for us fans who like me mailed WWF magazine so many times and heard nothing back! “Where is Giant Gonzalez?” I wrote. “Bring him back soon” I said. But nothing. Stupid Vic Venom, he never answered my letters.

Anyway I’d like to tell you Gonzalez had a happy ending but you know what? The truth is he’s prolly dead. I don’t mean to seem mean or callous or Mean Mark Callous, but it’s prolly the truth (Don’t mean to offend any of my readers who might also have  the Bigism.) .Giants for some reason don’t seem to live long which is a shame because they’re better.

If he’s not dead though I think they should bring him back.

Wow. That was fun. I love to inform people with information who are kind of stupid so please email me and I’ll get back to you when I want.bacon.jpg

Until next week Canadian Bacon says consider this bacon brought!

Oh, and to this "sean Carless" fellow. This is the last time I "spellcheck" or "edit" my work for a while. I'm a natural writer and believe that words are like urine. it should be allowed to pool and stink until no one can take it anymore.  You can't bottle bigtime talent by holding them to outdated standards like intelligiability and coherency!!!! You've been warned!!!!111 Bacon out.

-CB.

-Special thanks to sean for the funny pic even though i'm not really a pig but a man.- CB.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).