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The SMACKDOWN Rťport By Canadian Bacon.
 

[Editor's Warning: Bacon is a  Moron. Any viewpoints or opinions expressed are that of Canadian Bacon and do not necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan.com]

 

Hello Baconfans, itís me your neighbour to the north and good all around feller Canadian Bacon with the final and laster ever even edition of the super celebrated Bacon Smackdown Rťport ever. The recap thatís changing Friday nights to maybe another day when u donít look like such a loser for watching wrestling and not getting laid! Itís that Awesome!!!!11

 

Anyways, I thought for one last time I'd grace those of you achin' for Bacon (read my first two Bacon Rťports HERE and HERE) and show the drunkard Doctor Gonzo what writing a truly great SD recap is not about.

 

Onto the show!!!

The truth is I missed the first few minutes of this show, because I was watching the Turdino (sp?) Olympics. Man, that luge is complicated. It might just look like a guy just laying on a sled doing nothing, but thatís just how well trained they are. It takes days of training to look like youíre doing nothing like that. And speaking of the Olympics, have you ever noticed that thereís no Mexican Olympic team? I thought it was a little weird until I came to the conclusion that all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim have already snuck into the USA!!! (because they want to sneak into your country u see).

Anyways onto the opening of SD that I briefly missed; from the spoilers I read, it said that Randy came out and put over his family tree. Iíd assume it was Cowboy Bob that originally planted it. (You'd never know he had a green thumb under that cast.). Still, I think itís nice the Ortons come together as a family to celebrate their foliage/inability to ever heal from basic injuries. orton then says it was his family that built this industry!!! And here i thought u just used the blacks & chinese! I would have!

Anyways, Randy says heís better than all the other world champions, even Eddie Guerrero, which makes Eddie in the heaven angry and he uses his otherworldly powers to make Chavo Guerrero materialize out of thin air and attack Randy! That Chavo has just been so angry since he stopped wrestling under his real name of Kerwin White. Anyways, Chavo gives Randy the three amigos (which is the best offense to use when youíre really angry at guy!) then squashes him with a frog splash. I donít know how much damage it actually is capable of doing though, because Iíve never splashed a frog before. (Iím working my way up to it though. Salamanders beware!)

 

-Matt Hardyís music hits and here he comes! "V1" in the house!  Although, I think itís time though that maybe he move onto version 2, because I think Lita gave the program a bad virus!!111 hahahahahaha. (she was  promiscous  4 years).

 

Matt Hardy & the Tatanka vs. Eminem (Johnny Nitro and Freddie Mercury w/ Melina) : Tag team championships of the universe on the line!

I canít believe these Eminem guys have the nerve to taunt Tatanka by wearing FUR COATS. I think those coats are a bigtime insult to Tatanka and his backward ppl because he prolly feels the plight of the Buffalo and only hunts for warmth and food, and here they are wearing a pelt for show.

Anyways, I think this team of Tatanka (which I believe is a German word) and Matt Hardy is AWESOME. I mentioned this to sean Carless, and he instead insisted that Matt Hardy is so buried right now. And you know what? This makes this team make even more sense. I means, if youíre gonna be buried, it might as well be in an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND, which if the film Pet Cemetery has taught us anything, means that you can be REANIMATED and brought back to life even! I just broke the bigtime TRUTH about Mattís immortality! Now someone kill him again and fast. they always come back evil!!111

Anyways, Hardy & Freddie Mercury start off, but soon Hardy tags in Tatanka, and the Indian goes to work! (yes to WORK! I was surprised too!) and beats down the Eminem with chops prolly for littering (which makes Indians cry) and making the buffalo an endangered species! He tags Matt Hardy back in and all heck is breaking loose! Eminem then go for the snapshot on Matt, but here comes Tatanka in for the save! And heís dancing now, and for some reason it didnít start raining. ( the real reason u never saw Indians on Soul Train - besides them refusing to accept beads for admission).

Anyways, Matt Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate from there but Melina grabs his leg in a twist of fate (LMAO!). She then says to him, ďRemember when you said you would scratch my back? You never did! I had to go to sleep all itchy that night!!!Ē and then Mercury pins Matt Hardy with a school boy roll up! (worst candy ever!). What a travesty of justice! Poor Tatanka, though. He came back from not paying taxes and bein' a general hindrance on society 4 nothing. Maybe he shouldnít have hitched his covered wagon to Matt Hardyís star after all. (u see 'cause he's an indian.).

Winners & still champions: Freddie Mercury & Johnny Nitro - who Iíve heard is internally wired with explosives to earn that name, and thatís why we hardly see him in the matches! Boom! LMAO!

-No Way out clips are shown. And guess what, they got out! What a liar that PPV name was!

-William Regal approaches Paul Birchill the pirate backstage while heís shaving (and not pillaging and raping! What gives!?). Regal says that Birchill being a pirate is silly, and reads him a letter from a fan. This doesnít sit well with Paul so he gives Regal a ticking bomb and Regal freaks out! Ridicacoulous. If heíd have ever played Mario heíd know the ONLY way to defuse a bomb like that is to jump on it with both feet then kick it away. My Uncle Davis used 2 be in the bomb squad and always told us that. He's dead now.

-Eddie Guerrero is going to be in the Hall of Fame! I canít wait to hear his acceptance speech!

-Booker T. and Charmin come out to do commentary. Oh, btw, I was thinking about the Spinarooni the other day, and decided to do some research on it. Apparently Booker invented it by ACCIDENT when he was trying to steal the hub cups off a moving car. BETCHA DIDNíT KNOW THAT.

Boogeyman vs. The Dicks

I read in the forums that the Dicks finally got cut. Weird. Arenít the little old to be circumcised? Hahahaha. (they're like penises only ppl!). Anyways, Boogeyman handles both dicks at once, jerking them around and beating on them hard. He then finishes the smaller Dick (I think he musta went swimming in a cold pool) with a choke slam. Man. I havenít seen a dick get squashed that bad since I had sex with a fat girl.! LOL! Ok. I just jacked off to her while she slept. In her own room. Across the street.

Winner: Boogeyman! Dry sinuses or not, Boogey is a force to be reckoned with!

-After the match, Boogey goes after Booker T. & Charmin who run away, and worms suddenly rain from the sky! Just like in the bible only I think that was locusts but whatever! Clearly Wrestling God JBL is behind this! I wouldnít be surprised if another global flood is coming! Donít be surprised when it happens, too, and your shoes start getting soggy and Paul Birchill is sailing off to safety in his boat with two animals of every kind (Batista and Joe Lauranitis for starters). Donít say I didnít warn you!!!11

-Rey Mysterio comes out and is all sad because he lost his Title shot at Wrestlemania. He apologizes to Vicky, Chavo, the Guerrero family, and finally to Eddie. Although I doubt Eddie heard it because I donít think thereís cable TV in heaven. (There just isnít a coaxial cord long enough to stretch the known universe). Just then GM Teddy Long comes out. Heís got good news for Rey! Randy Orton, Kurt Angle & Rey Mysterio are going to have a THREE WAY AT WRESTLEMANIA!!! Wait. A Three way???!!  A mťnage-ŗ-trois? Strange. Iím kinda of a big fan of theirs and everything but Iím not sure if Iíd like to watch them all have sex with each other!  Sure sex is cool and everything, but why not just give Rey a title match? Strange. (I'll still watch it, though.).

- We see clips of Mark Henry being strongest in the world. Heís never met a telephone book he couldnít tear in half! (Which Iíd imagine would cause problems when he needed to order a pizza! Anarchy!).

-Smackdown interviewer Krystal comes down to promote the Divas magazine (I have a copy for sale if anyoneís interested. its sealed shut but its yours 4 the right price!). This brings out former WWE mole Jillian Hall, and I must say how much hotter she is now that she no longer has cancer, thanks to the Boogeyman! Boogeyman cured Jillianís cancer!!!111 See itís that easy people. Who needs that fancydan biopsy stuff when a Voodoo guy can just bite the melanoma right off you! Itís the new kinda sorta non invasive surgery (except for the biting part). And who knows, maybe heíll cure the AIDS next by biting off diseased cockheads? COULD HAPPEN! Medical breakthroughs in WWE? Whoíd have ever thunk it?! Ever?

Anyways, the women rip each others clothes off. Man, stuff like this never happens at my job. (And good thing, because no women work here!!!111 LOL!).

- We see a clip from No Way Out with Batista, and Iím just glad to see the veterinarian that did the Animalís surgery didnít just put him down. I once had a gerbil that got ill  they just gassed him and told me he went to gerbil heaven. what an odd thing 2 tell a 30 year old man. Thankfully Batista didnít suffer his fate, though. (of course my gerbil couldnít do the big powerbombs and talk in human language like Batista. So maybe that explains it.)

Gregory Helms vs. Psoriasis for the Battleship weight championship.

For the record, Super Crazy and Regular Juventud are no where to be seen here.

You gots to hand it to Psoriasis here, though, he competes even though he has such itchy flaky skin (or why else would he be called that?). This prolly explains why he wore a mask for so many years. He was ashamed of his red puffy complexion/general ugliness. Can't say I blame him.

Anyways, Gregory Helms is still a mortal here, so I doubt his offense would have the same impact that he would have if he was still super human. Anyways, because of this Psorasis seems to have Helms number here (They didnít say what it was though) and looks to finish off the champ with a top rope soft shelled chalupa, (i dont speak full mexican) but Gregory knocks him off the rope, kills him, and eventually gets the pin by hooking the ropes for leverage and such anyway.

Winner: Gregory Helms. But PLEASE become a Super hero again! Superman turned back into one after a brief stint with mortality in Superman 2 so he could legit fuck Lois and eat shitty space TV dinners, so thereís still hope. I donít know much longer I can sit in my fortress of solitude (that I share with two roommates) and watch you flush your life down the drain with METROSEXUALITY.  Can hair gel and satiny unbuttoned shirts stop a barreling train? No way! Every time you put on pleated slacks, the TERRORISTS win! Come to your senses! Your father Joe-Rel Ray Helms forgives u! the red-light machine is ready when u are!

-Teddy Long comes out again and says that next week weíll see a rematch between Undertaker & Kurt Angle because of the controversy at No Way Out with Undertakerís Triangle choke backfiring! Imagine if he had a used a ukulele! someone mighta died! Except Undertaker 'cause he never does!

-Randy Ortonís music hits, but he refuses to come out. (he's apparently 2 stubborn to reveal his secret gay lifestyle). Teddy Long then says if he doesnít wrestle heíll take away the World Title opportunity that he told Rey earlier he couldnít take away. Makes sense to me.

JBL , Finlay & Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit & Bobby Lashley the muscleman!

Finlay means business here because heís got his Shanaynay with him (which Iíd imagine was invented by a feisty black woman). That said, te best thing about Finlay teaming with JBL here though is that if someone has the gall to steal Fitís pot oí gold, JBL has the money to just replace it!!!!11 Leprechaun Insurance! (there's no Irish ppl in Saskatchewan. so im prolly just generalizing about them being leprechauns/ alcoholic wifebeaters.)

Anyways, the match is underway. Rey starts things off with Randy Orton, but he tags in Finlay, so Rey tags in Lashley whoís wearing black pants , so itís hard to see him out there unless heís smiling. (he's dark, u see). Lashley then attacks Finlay and gets a big spear. He then yells at Finlay ďwhatever happened to the Red balloons in Lucky Charms! That was my favourite marshmallow!Ē or he couldíve just been calling spots, Iím not sure. ( I was always more of a purple horsehoe man, myself).

 Everybody then comes into the ring from there, and itís a Pier 1 brawl! (trendy furniture store or not this is AWESOME.)

Commercial break.  I masturbate w/ my dink a bit.

When we come back, Benoit has JBL in the sharpshooter and i use my sock for purposes prolly not intended by the good ppl at Fruit of the loom.

That said, I canít believe how many criminals are running free in this match now! First thereís the murderer Randy Orton, killing legends with no remerpercussions, and Chris Benoit, now rabid with RABIES, is also a former CRIPPLER, and he gets away with it too! He prolly was the one who knocked Christopher Reeve off his horse and ruined him! Terrible! (but kinda hilarious, too).

Anyways, Rey is in now, and all the bad guys keep tagging out to wear him down. Rey goes after Finlay whoís on the floor and leaps over the ropes with the extra hot and cheesy chicken gordilla  but catches his ballsack on the ring apron which was pulled out by Finlay! Maybe its kinda for the best though. That way he wonít pass that no pigment in the eyes genetic thing along to future generations of Raymond Sterios (his real name).

Anyways, Rey is in big trouble, (as most mexicans hiding their identities are) and JBL throws him back in the ring, and here comes Randy Orton with a chinlock!... which is wrestlingís most painful and complicated hold (donít try it at home!). Randy wears him down good, and to the untrained eye it looks like two guys are just lazily laying on the mat for two or three minutes catching their breath, but thatís  just to ppl who don't know the sweet science/have  good things to watch on TV. 

Rey finally breaks it by sending Randy into the post, and makes the tag to Chris Benoit the rabid mongoose! Orton however tags in JBL. Benoit then gives everyone a German. (not an actual person). From there, Benoit hits the flying headbutt, floating like the great Canadian squirrel he is! (I love how he has a small furry rodent for every occasion!).  Finlay then breaks up the pin. Benoit then puts the crossface on JBL, but Finlay makes the save again. Benoit follows JBL to the floor from there and stomps on his hand apparently breaking it in real life even! Man. Howís a guy supposed to throw imaginary punches/rape ppl to teach respect with a broken hand? Great going!

 

Anyways, JBL ends up back in the ring, and set up in the ropes, so Rey hits the 619 and then finishes him by dropping the dime (Which is kinda foolish if you ask me. It may not seem like much, but constantly dropping small change like that can seriously add up FAST. And who knows when you might be in a Laundromat washing your tiny Lucha pants, and GUESS WHAT? Youíre outta dimes! Terrible.).

 

Winners: Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit & Bobby Lashley whoís still undefeated in my heart. (what does it know, though?).  Iíd like to say that I could see Eddie smiling down from Heaven because of this result, but his head would have to be HUGE for me to see that from here. (Saskatchewan is at least a good 2 to 3 miles away from Heaven).

 

Ok, thatís it. Dr. Phil is about to come on, and this week heís consoling an overweight woman. I canít miss that. Who knows when thatíll happen again?

 

Anyways, Iíd like to thank all the Baconfans who have emailed the site DEMANDING I become the new SD Rťporter, have sex w/ their wives. Itís really appreciated and didn't actually happen.

 

bacon.jpgSo, until I never see you again. This is The Baconman saying something.

 

Consider this Smackdown Brought.

-CB. 

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).