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The SMACKDOWN Réport By Canadian Bacon.

[Editor's Warning: Bacon is a  Moron. Any viewpoints or opinions expressed are that of Canadian Bacon and do not necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan.com]


Hey there, Baconfans, it’s me Canadian Bacon, the guy whose recaps are single-handedly changing Friday nights (You’ll think it’s like a Tuesday or Wednesday when I’m though. Ya!!!!).

Anyways, a few people emailed me wanting to know when Dr. Gonzo will be back from making a mockery of our legal system; my answer at this time is unfortunately that he’ll be back when he comes back prolly. And as far as how long that’ll be, prolly the whole time. Hope that cleared things up for u guys.

Anyways, I wasn’t really ready to pen another Super duper Réport this week, but sean Carless that stealer of lives begged me to fill in once again, and even informed me that last week’s recap was the highest rated one in the Universe or the world even. So, I dropped what I was doing ( I am in the process of inventing powdered water and just need one more ingredient to make it work) and got on my Commodore 64 pronto and banged this out for my Fans, and you, the little ppl. (get bigger already.). Thanks for the support!!!!!11 Kinda!!11

On with the bigtime show!

Chris Benoit vs.  Wrestling God JBL vs. Matt Hardy vs. The BisexualOrlando Jordan. Winner meets Booker T. for the United States championship of the world at No ways out.

They called this one a fatal fourway match and under normal circumstances, I'm convinced it indeed would have ended in DEATH. Between Chris Benoit’s incurable rabies he caught from a wolverine, (Logan musta been real hungry) and Orlando’s dirty unclean bisexual lifestyle, you’d be lucky to get out of there alive! [Bacon's edit in 2007: LMAO! Truer words have never been something!]  But luckily for us, Matt Hardy is immortal, and JBL is God and can thus cure himself or anyone else in the match as easy as cake. (I means right through the bible he cured leopards and even made the lame walk again. yes, EVEN the LAME. Although, I don’t think he should have. If you can’t tell a good joke, maybe you deserved to stay crippled. Just my opinion.).

Anyways, the winner of this match gets to face the undisputed U.S. champion Booker T who always has other guys win his matches so why doesn’t anyone dispute it? Weird.

All four guys go at it, and JBL and Orlando don’t even really join forces even though they were both in a cabinet together once. What were they doing in that cabinet together though? And I imagine it was prolly a pretty tight fit. Had to be uncomfortable. Anyways, Benoit kind of takes over eventually, and gives Orlando some German suplexes, then gives JBL the Three Amigos, even though I think there’s plenty of funnier Chevy Chase movies out there he could have chose from. (Cops and Robbersons?). Benoit then goes up to the top rope and hits the flying headbutt on Orlando. JBL breaks up the pin though, kinda like the way he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah I suspect, but only this time no one gets turned into a pillar of salt/sodomized in the shower. Too bad. Everybody then starts hitting their finishers, but Benoit eventually gets the crossface on Matt Hardy who gives up. (he still has all of eternity to win the U.S. Title though, so it’s ok).

Winner: that rabid wolverine Chris Benoit, who possesses pretty keen submission skills for a rodent. (and here I thought wolverines didn’t even have opposable thumbs! Proved me wrong! (Hey, that's his saying! Coincidence? I think so!)

*Backstage Teddy Long informs Booker T and Charmin that Booker will defend the U.S. Title himself at No Way Out against Chris Benoit OR HE’LL DIE! There is a chance he actually said Book would just forfeit the Title, but my version sounds a little more plausible and cool so I think I’ll stick with that.

*After the Commercials, we see interviewer Krystal catch up with JBL and Jillian Hall, whose mole scar is HEALED. See I told you he was GOD. Anyways, JBL says no one can beat him in the locker room (prolly because the ring is in the arena) and here comes BOBBY LASHLEY the muscleman. Speaking of Lashley, a friend of mine said he had the biggest traps he had ever seen but I didn’t believe it. I mean why would a guy that huge need traps? He’d prolly just catch the animals with his bare hands! (bear hands?) Silliness! Anyways, Bobby Lashley challenges JBL at No way out, and Jillian accepts, and JBL looks kinda mad. (careful, he flooded the Earth once, and he’ll do it again! And this time Noah Wiley won’t be here to save us with that ark!).

*We see Matt Hardy in pain backstage (but no worries, the immortal quickening will heal him soon. I’ve seen Duncan Macleod take FAR WORSE and be fine eventually) when Mercury, Nitro and Melina walk by. Melina says that Matt should be on a winning team, and then tells Matt “I scratch your back, you scratch mine”. Apparently the two share a case of chronic itchiness. (Melina’s is prolly from being around those fur coats all the time and fucking that filthy batista). I suggest investing in one of those scratchers with the plastic hands on them; they’re just great for reaching those hard to reach spots like your assneck.

*We now see Mark Henry and Daivari who get interviewed by Josh Matthews. They’re still calling him the “World’s strongest man” so my plea for him to try some deodorant obviously fell on deaf eyes. Anyways, Daivari says that since Kurt Angle can’t beat Mark Henry, he’s decided to face The Undertaker instead at No Way out. Anyways, LOTS of people are ALWAYS going on about how much Mark Henry reminds them of the Predator. But if Henry really was an intergalactic hunter, wouldn’t he have used that crazy scope laser thing to blow up the other weightlifters at the Olympics, that way he’d have won the Gold by forfeit? It seems pretty obvious. But if he is really a predator, I hope he wears that suit and helmet that bends light and makes him disappear because imagine how good Henry’s matches would be if no one knew where they were going. I mentioned my “invisibility” theory to Sean Carless and Henry Simon on AIM, but they said he should instead get a device that just plain makes him disappear forever. That’s just hurtfulness.

* During the commercials they show the Wrestlemania 22 ad with Peter Gabriel’s “Big Time”. Has anyone else noticed it REALLY sounds like the song at the end of Spaceballs? I can’t believe a hack like Gabriel would rip off that classic song.

*We’re back, and here comes Melina with her M&M’s (Which one is chocolate and which one is peanut?) and the Panzerotti is there in force snapping photos! Melina gets on the microphone and issues an open challenge.

 M&Ms: Nitro & Mercury vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick;

London and Kendrick accept the challenge, and out they run in masks and the girls are screaming. I don’t get it. Everytime I jump out of the bushes with my mask on, girls freak out and scream and yell for the police. It’s kinda not fair. Maybe if I could dropsault they’d love me, too and not charge me w/ rape?

Anyways, London & Kendrick baffle the champions with their lucha style (invented in 1956 by Peter “Pedro” Lucha) and Kendrick almost wins the belts (which would come in handy to hold up those faggoty glitter shorts) but his cover gets broke up. Anyways, London ends up getting the warm tag but the referee didn’t see it, so M&Ms finish off Kendrick with the snapshot.

Winners: M&Ms. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. But of course no one can really prove this ‘cause no one has the mandibles huge enough to swallow Nitro and Mercury whole. Until that day, I guess I’ll just take their words for it.

*We see Randy Orton, and he has tears in his eyes (prolly ‘cause his dad has the evil gingivitis and may have to switch toothpastes. AWFUL.). He says he’s here to “set the record straight”. I really hope it’s on whether chunky soup is actually a meal or a snack. The good people at Chunky always left that up in the air.

Anyways, Randy comes out (not in the faggot way) and says that he said what he said about Eddie being in Hell last week, because he just wanted to get under Rey’s skin. WAIT. GET UNDER REY’S SKIN? If I heard right, and I think did; I’ve deduced that at No Way Out, Orton will in fact enter a microscopic molecular vehicle that shrinks down one millionth it’s size and will enter Rey’s body and destroy him from the inside out! Which i already know can't work because even at that size he'll still be only a few inches shorter than Rey. (Rey's kinda short. LMAO). 

 Anyways, Randy then drives out in Eddie’s lowrider which I imagine Eddie left here on Earth ‘cause it wouldn’t fit through the Pearly Gates. (Heaven was built before cars were invented). The crowd then boos Randy, who then has Eddie’s new book, and says that he’s gonna prove that Eddie Guerrero was NO saint. No kidding! People who steal and lie all the time don’t become clergy! The Catholic Church has rules for these things except sodomy. Anyways, Rey has had enough, and comes out and attacks Orton while he’s reading! That’s unacceptable! And I know all too well, because I got kicked out of the library plenty of times for performing high impact moves. (I once killed a man with the card catalogue). Anyways, Rey ends up dropkicking Randy into the ringpost and he gets knocked out or unconscious even.

Gregory Helms vs. Nunzio: Cruiserweight Title.

I’m still kinda saddened that Hurricane gave up his super powers for Metrosexuality (Hair mousse and tight pants won’t stop a bank heist or terrorist plot my friend!); and now, he has to battle Nunzio who is a FULL BLOODED Italian (apparently there’s a lot of Italians running around WWE with only half their hemoglobin. Insanity!) and thus he will be at full capacity thanks to that extra blood.Good plan.

Anyways, this is a title match, and during the match, former champion Kid Kash comes down to watch the match. Kash? Lern to spell, mister! Anyways, Helms gets distracted by Kash, allowing Nunzio to sneak up and hit a headscissors, followed by a neckbreaker and  back suplex. Things look bad for the now mortal Helms as Nunzio goes up for the Sicilian slice, (I’m terrified to order pizza now because of this hold, in fear that the store owner will crush me with a flying legdrop as I order. It had to come from somewhere!) but suddenly Helms moves, hits a backbreaker, then finishes Nunzio with his shining wizard? sparkly magician? glowing Illusionist? for the win. (those Japs sure have the dumbest names for things. That kinda foolishness would never fly in Moosewater, Sasakatchewan, my hometown.).

Winner and still Cruiserweight Champion of earth and not whatever planet Hurricane was sent here from as a baby: Gregory Helms. But wait. Isn’t a Cruiser a Battleship? Man, you’d never know to look at Helms that he weighs in excess of 4 million pounds. He holds it really well I must say. (LOL! I'm just kidding he's a legit man of normsl stature).

Network executive Palm Cannon is seen backstage being interviewed by Krystal. And just like my house, all of a sudden there’s midgets EVERYWHERE. Including Super Porky, who I imagine with that handle is also distant kin to Superman. (I picture him creating his fortress of solitude by throwing a glowing hambone into the Arctic). But now here comes former U.S. President Mr. Kennedy to tickle the midgets. They’re just like children! only with adult-sized disproportioned genitalia (Trust me. There was a mix up once!).  Anyways, almost right after, here’s professional Pirate and WWE Superstarrrrrrgggh! (hahahahahaha) Paul Birchall. He says “Hello” twice to Palm Cannon, then leaves. Too bad. I was hoping he was here to rape and plunder. Maybe next week.


Eight Sided Cito & Chicken Chimichanga vs. Mascarita Chalupa  & Extra Hot Paste Picante (rough translations)

If you’re going to choose to be born a midget, you might as well live in Mexico. After all, you wouldn’t even have to bend over in the lettuce patches and thus would prolly pick them WAY faster then the normal sized people there. It’s just common sense/literal cents to support yer 50 siblings.

Anyways, this match really doesn’t go very long, which is funny 'cause they're midgets u see, as Finlay comes in and beats down the midgets. Just like the way that St. Patrick drove all the midgets out of Ireland. Or maybe that was snakes. All i know is Jake the Snake is just called Jake the Roberts there. It's awkward 4 everybody.

Finlay ends up destroying one of the midgets (the smallish one with the mask) and hitting his finisher on him, killing him instantly.

Finlay then demands the microphone, and says he’s loves to Fight. But it sounded more like Foyt. Or maybe even Voight. Maybe Jon Voight. He loves Jon Voight! Don’t we all. Midnight Cowboy was AWESOME.

*After the commercials, we see Booker & Charmin and they’re leaving the arena and complaining about their match with Chris Benoit. Book then opens his trunk and it’s full of worms. It could be worse though. My cousin Madison once got worms from eating a raw pork sandwich. at least Booker doesn't have to take special meds and shit into saran baggy. he should count himself lucky in that regard.

Anyways, they scream and such, but part of me wonders why Booker doesn’t fight fire with fire and bring back his VOODOO he used on Undertaker in 2004. And speaking of Voodoo, you know what would be a sweet job? A Voodoo acupuncturist! You wouldn’t even have to go the see the guy!!! He’d just prick a doll with needles and your back would ease right up on the street! Is that an AWESOME idea or what? They don’t call me a genius for anything!

Undertaker Vs. Mark Henry with Daivari!

Man. This is awesome. This could easily be a Main Event somewhere in the country. Anyways, Taker tries to take Henry off his feet but can’t budge the big man. Undertaker eventually knocks him out of the ring though, which makes Henry mad and he kicks the stairs. It’s at this point I’d deploy my predator metal net on Undertaker if I was Henry, but then again, I’m not a professional Alien safari hunter so what do I know. (i'm an amateur).

After the commercials, Henry ends up in control, after catching Undertaker ( in a deadlift? Hahahahaha) and giving him a BODYSLAM the likes of which can only be imagined by someone w/ a really terrible imagination.  Henry now uses a bearhug on Undertaker, and if Henry can squeeze the life out of WILD BEARS with this complicated hold, what chance does a simple mortician have? (even if he is riddled with the darkside magic!).  I guess Henry figures though that Undertaker doesn’t deserve a bear’s fate though, and just rams him into the buckles instead. Undertaker starts to come back from there (and even without having to cover himself in clay mud like Arnold Schwarzenegger did to trick him either!) and gets his flying clothesline even though clotheslines don’t really fly. (Your unmentionables would come flying right off the line and get RUINED. Terrible.) Undertaker then gets the chokeslam and signals for the tombstone, but M&Ms runs in for the DQ.

Kurt Angle then runs down and he and undertaker run Henry & Nitro & Freddy Mercury off. Teddy Long comes out and says next week, Undertaker will team with Kurt Angle to face Mercury, Nitro & Henry in a HANDICAP match. I’m guessing by that, Teddy really means the first team to suffer some sort of mental retardation wins. Doesn’t sound too hard.

Oh, after this announcement, Mark Henry sets the suicide timer on his right forearm and a nuclear blast levels the arena and 15 square miles, killing everyone in sight!!!11 End show. (Granted, I heard this from one of my INSIDE (I once knew a guy who spilled a Dreamsicle on Andre the Giant’s plaid sports blazer in an airport in 1985, so I think I know what I’m talking about!) sources. He’s very reputable and is hardly ever wrong. (He predicted that Halloween would fall on the 31st this year and he was RIGHT. Who can doubt those credentials?).

Ok, that’s it forever. Dr. Gonzo will be back next week. Be sure to check out everyone else here, except that Cameron “Real Inferno” Burge guy. How do I know if you’re really The REAL Inferno if I’ve never met any other Infernos? ANARCHY.

bacon.jpgAnd before I forget, congratulations to Remo from this very site for winning the prestigious ziplock bag of Boo Berry contest. But YOU can still get in on the FUN. Email the Baconman here, and tell me how kinda sorta awesome this Réport was and I’ll send you this AUTOGRAPHED Polaroid of me holding THE BOX of Boo Berry. Who could say no to that?

Consider this SmackDown brought!



For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).