[Editor's Warning: Bacon is a Moron. Any viewpoints or opinions expressed are that of Canadian Bacon and do not necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan.com]
Hey Bacon fans and Smackdown fans, and fans of Bacon's smackdown, I'm Bacon and this is Smackdown!!111
I knows you guys was expecting non-muppet Dr. Gonzo and such, but he can’t make it because he’s actually sequestered on jury duty. No really! I don’t know how comfortable I’d be with a drunkard like him making important legal decisions, but whatever. He shoulda just done what I did and said he couldn’t wait to fry somebody and made mention of his hatred for all races especially the blacks. They don’t seem to want jurors like that for some reason except in the south. Strange.
Anyways, this takes us to now. Ok, now. sean Carless that stealer of glories and other offenses practically begged everyone on staff to fill in, but everybody gave him the cold elbow. Everybody but me that is!!!1 You see, I’m always about forgiveness sometimes and decided for one night to let bygones be bygones and fill in. And why not? I am an INSIDER of all things wrestling after all (I once knew a guy who spotted Hacksaw Jim Duggan a quarter so he could buy a Tab out of a vending machine in 1988, so I think I know what I’m talking about!) so who better to pen this bigtime recap than me? (the answer is no one, btw).
Anyways onto the show!!!!!
Tonight’s Smackdown comes to us from
Anyways, Teddy Long comes out and makes the main event for the next pay-per-view (Angle against Undertaker) then throws out the bigtime congratulations to Rey Mysterio. Remember when Teddy hated white people and talked about Haterade? Just what flavor is this Haterade he speaks of? Chocolate, maybe? (he is black after all). Whatever it is, I bet it’s delicious either way, and prolly drained from some large seeded fruit. (not Pat Patterson). Anyways, Rey comes out driving Eddie Guerrero’s low rider, but I guess we could say it’s Rey’s now ‘cause I doubt Eddie will be back for it. (he's dead). Rey talks about winning the Rumble and how Eddie Guerrero helped him but never explains how (maybe he's now a star wars ghost?). Randy Orton then comes out and says that Rey shouldn’t be thanking Eddie from Heaven ‘cause Eddie’s in Hell, prolly for all that lying and stealing, but whatever. This makes Rey all mad and the two start fighting. Weird. I still don’t know why being in Hell wouldn’t help somebody give advice. I mean, it’d be a shorter trek from the middle of the Earth where Hell is to the ring at Royal Rumble then it would be through the moons and stars like Heaven. Just saying.
WWE Tag Team Title Match: Eminem (although the Slim Shady was NOWHERES to be found. Strange) Vs. Mexicools
I like Crazy and Psicosis. In fact after hearing so much about them, I recently decided to plan a trip to their home country of Mexicool. But the stupid travel agent just laughed when I mentioned it. I said it was too a real place and that two gardeners with unmatched high flying skills was from there. She then kicked me outta the store. (Of course that mighta been because I took my dink out. Sometimes he needs air.).
Anyways, this is for the belts and MNM looked to be in trouble for a long time, and Super Crazy even had Freddy Mercury in position for the moonsault (Buzz Aldrin invented it in 1969) but Melina pushed Crazy off the top of the ropes and Crazy died, allowing Mercury to pin him and go onto reform Queen. Awesome.
Winners and still WWE tag team Champions of the Universe: MNM.
*Backstage, Booker T. and Charmin (Don’t you dare squeeze her!) talk to Teddy Long. Booker says he can’t wrestle tonight, so Long says he’ll need a replacement. WAIT. A replacement Booker T.? They have that technology? AWESOME. Gotta hand it to Vince. Sweet Wrestling action and the latest in human cloning! (I heard rumors about OVW!).
*We then get a Raw Rebound. Rebound? Apparently RAW just had a messy break up and is looking for some meaningless sex. Don’t sleep with her RAW, you’ll regret it!!! (she's kinda whorish).
JBL comes out next. Someone said in the spoilers that he was shooting here, but I’ll be damned if I saw a gun anywhere, even though he's from texas and they always carry them for protection from the dirty mexicans, and prolly the clean ones too. (both of them). But if he did have a gun, why not just plug people in the stomach with some hot lead instead of wrestling? He’d still be WWE Champion today had he just shot a few people/raped them at gunpoint.
Anyways JBL says he’s done putting over people with “good looks”. Testify. Handsome people like me already know they’re gorgeous without you giving them compliments and giving them bigger heads. (wish it applied everywhere else, though).
Anyways Bobby Lashley then comes out and interrupts JBL, and man, he's got places in places there’s not even muscles. Man this guy is put together. Kind of like a Michaelangelo sculpture (I was always impressed he had time for all that Art with all the Ninja fighting against Shredder/having only 3 fingers.).
Anyways, Lashley is here to wrestle, although imagine how awakward it would be if he wasn't!!! so JBL sits at the commentary desk.
Bobby Lashley Vs.
Hey, these Dicks looks kinda short. Maybe there was some shrinkage? Hahahahahaha, they're like penises only ppl. Anyways, Dick doesn’t last too long (premature ejaculation?) and gets pinned in under a minute by Lashley with the Dominator. Heck, even my dick lasts longer than that! (about 15 seconds longer)
Winner: Bobby Lashley. He scared me so bad I threw my wallet at the TV screen.
*Here comes the Undertaker to confront Kurt Angle about their match at No Way Out (somebody always finds a way out though. They need to change the title to something more realistic like “Keep you in for a while, ‘til you get out”. Just a suggestion). Kurt Angle and Taker then argue, and Angle says that once the bell rings he doesn’t have a soul. WOW. Complicated submission skills and out of body experiences? Imagine all the chicks you could spy on naked. Don't know how well the submissions would do u though. Undertaker responds by saying that he respects Kurt, but at No Way Out he’ll “rest in peace.” My question though is, why does Undertaker always want his opponents to Rest in Peace? After all the awful things he does to them while they're alive, suddenly he wants them to have a comfortable and enjoyable afterlife???!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!
Midget Time! : Octagoncito (which means “eight sided cito” in Spanish!) Vs. Midget number 2.
The juniors are back! But hey, what about the Seniors? Shouldn’t the elderly of our society (besides Ric Flair) get a chance in the ring too? It’s kinda not fair. Just imagine how they’d describe their matches! “You young guys think you have it so hard? Well, I walked 45 miles, barefoot, in 6 feet of snow to get to Wrestlemania when I was your age, and you don’t hear me complaining!” Then they'd shit themselves and we'd laugh and laugh.
Anyways, the one midget ends up pinning eight sided cito with a crucifix, but neglects to nail him to a piece of wood like the name would suggest. Man, they should rename that move. or do it legit. Not enough midgets die for our sins these days if u ask me.
*Backstage, Chris Benoit is stretching (he's still the same height, though) when he’s bothered by former U.S. President Mr. Kennedy. Kennedy tells Benoit he’s been on a losing Streak, but I just can’t picture Benoit running through the arena naked, even if he did lose a match; so I don’t believe it. Anyways, Benoit says that if Kennedy’s not careful, he’ll break his arm. Whatever. Kennedy already got half his head blown off once (There was a second shooter on the grassy gnome) so a broken arm is kinda old hat if you ask me. (prolly that pink one his wife was wearing w/ her paintsuit)
Chris Benoit Vs. Finlay: Booker's
Apparently Chris Benoit has rabies (they always call him the rabid wolverine) but he seems to have it all under control and I haven’t seen him froth at the mouth, so that’s good. Anyways, Finlay attacks and takes it to Benoit good until Benoit returns the favor with some chops, instead of biting him and infecting him like I would if I had rabies. Both guys keep fighting but Benoit comes back with German suplexes ( invented in 1939 by Otto German) before eventually getting the crossface. Charmin then comes in (her and Booker Tea were watching the match at the commentator’s desk) and hits Benoit with a crutch to cause a Disqualification. Although, she may have just tried to put him down humanely on the account of the rabies, I’m not sure.
Winner by DQ: Chris Benoit, my favourite diseased snowbound Canadian mammal!!!!
*We see Daivari and Mark Henry backstage. Daivari says he and Mark Henry got screwed at the Rumble. Man alive! Talk about close friends. They even share sexual experiences together! The closest I ever got to that was jerking off in the other room while my friend Julius played his Xbox.
*We now see Booker & Charmin backstage laughing about Benoit, when they run into and get bigtime scared by the Boogeyman, who I guess is called that because of his questionable sinuses. Sinutab always works for me.
*Now we go to the NEW cruiserweight champion, Gregory Helms. He tells us that he IS the Cruiserweight Division! The ENTIRE Division? WOW. This guy's not only a SUPER HERO, but a master of disguises as well!!! AWESOME.
*We see backstage again, and here’s Network Executive Palm Cannon. He’s seen with Lord Steven William Regal and Paul Birchall who want to stop teaming. Palm Cannon decrees that Birchall will now be a pirate! Wow, a pirate. Hopefully he can live up to the lofty standards of Jean Pierre Lafitte. But I have one question, isn’t it
Once again Cowboy Bob is nowhere to be seen on the account of his dangerous Gingivitis scare. (Get to the dentist already! You still have time!). Orton starts things off with Angle. Coincidence? I think so! Anyways, Rey demands to come in so Angle tags him in, and Orton & Rey go at it. Angle tags in soon (and still seems to be in his body, unless he’s hiding it really well!) Angle puts the ankle lock on Henry but the World’s strongest man (all he needs is deodorant and he’ll be fine!) powers out. Kurt then puts it on Randy too. Daivari gets up on the ring apron and distracts the ref with that hilarious brown language he speaks and Henry punches Angle in the bag. The two bad guys beat on Angle for a while, but he makes the warm tag to Rey who comes in like a house of fire but since he’s kinda small maybe it was a cottage of fire. I don’t know. Kurt Angle then leaves the ringside (maybe he’s on the lookout for his soul that never came back?) and Henry follows him out and they fight. This just leaves Randy and Rey. Rey goes for the sunset flip but Orton catches his tiny legs and pins him like your brother used 2 do to you, only minus the molesting. (I was told 2 forget about it myself.).
After the match, Rey offers to put his Wrestlemania Title shot on the line against Randy Orton at No Way Out because Eddie told him that’s where he’ll be losing his title opportunity ‘cause Orton makes a more credible challenger? Wait. That doesn’t sound right.
Winner: Randy Orton the murderer! He openly admits to killing legends yet no one calls the police! Does no one feel for Harley Race’s family?!!!!
Ok, that’s the end. I have to go now. Dr. Phil is about to start.
….Ohhhhhh!!!!!! Be sure to check out The Bacon Hall of Fame HERE, and all the rest of the B-team. They work really hard to make me look better than them.
Consider this SmackDown Brought.
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THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).