The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency,
grammar and sense
may be absent
|Friday, September 20 2010
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
there Baconfans and fans of PPV and fans of
Bacon's PPV review, I'm Bacon and this is
his PPV review, the greatest and most comprehensivy
(and real words) coverage of the sport
you've never read in yer life. Ya!!11
your friend and mine (well, not really, he
stole my life and hurt my feelings a bunch),
the evil slavemaster, sean Carless, recently
called me up and demanded I save this website from ruin and
somesuch and review tonight's show because
no one wanted to do it and he's lazy and prolly
a faggot and i'm paraphrasing. And after
bigtime thinking about it, and considering
my self-imposed exile from wrestling writery
to concentrate on fulfilling a secret prophecy
between me and god to build an ark to house
every animal in pairs (a special section is
being made for Batista & George Steele)
I decided, "what the hell, im kinda awesome,"
and the plebs (you) needed me telling why
you're wrong to like what you like anyway,
so I might as well just take a break
from my heavenly build of perpetuating the
future of humanity & beasts and just order the
show and tell you why it sucks and isn't
as good as it used to be. (You're welcome.).
BIGTIME PPV RÉPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS &
this is Night Of Champions,
a show where all the belts are on the line,
and some ppl might say, "hey, shouldn't
every belt be on the line on PPV anyway or
what's the point of even having champions?"
but those ppl just don't get it.
said, I heard through the grapevine (really
just a bush I was hiding in and masturbating)
that tonight's show was originally gonna be
called "Night of guys getting
belts so maybe then you'll finally care
about them and we'll maybe even sell
some knock-off toys that you'll have to hide
in front of actual cool kids with so
they don't beat you to death fer bein' such
a pansy-ass homo faggot with plastic
belts on." They luckily changed
it, though, or else they'd have to have built
a DVD case miles long for the graphic!1111
announcers are Michael Cole, the teacher guy
who wore no pants thus prolly why he was disgraced
(Social studies in Speedos? Ridicockulous!)
and Jerry Lawler - a king who should prolly make
a royal decree to lower the age of consent
already! It'd really open up the dating pool
for him! (a legit pool full of hot teenage
girls you get to fuck!).
First match is Intercontinental Champion Dolph
Ziggler vs. the Kofi Kingston, who's
looking to regain his belt and go home
and celebrate with all his fellow Ghanarians.
Dolph's girlfriend, Vicki, (why doesn't
Chavo have a problem with his sister-in-law
fucking his former Caddy?) and a chick named
Katelyn, who replaced the giant girl who got
fired for taking giant sexy pictures (that
musta been a big camera!), are in the champ's corner.
And this makes Baconman bigtime sad.
I was so looking forward to
seeing that giant broad (I want to say
her name is Alopecia?), and if the moment
ever arose, and the cards were right, and
if animal control would just agree to
lend me their tranqs, maybe even take
her out for a nice meal - and if the
mood was even righter still from
there, maybe even go
up on her. (she's really tall.).
I'd mention then having full-on sexiness
of the area with her, but I imagine her
vag is prolly like the Grand Canyon (named
after gay wrestler Chris Kanyon, who like
the landmark too had a lot of men pass
through him) and that'd create some super
duper awkwardness for a guy like me with
such a lean penile. (like throwing a twizzler
into a black hole!).
despite using his African heritage to duck
and weave and bounce around (Africans
tend to be fast and agile 'cause they're always
being chased by lions & white ppl over
there) Kofi still came up short, unless you're
talkin peniley because he's black and is prolly
huge so scratch that. Dolph then puts
him away with the Zig-Zag anyway which
is also what filthy disgusting pot-heads like
sean Carless call the wrappers they incase
their herbal evil in (I myself practice a
protractor lifestyle like CM Punk).
and still champion of the continents and NOT
the oceans - Dolph ziggler. And this is sad
because his full name is actually Dolphin.
It's just a matter of time, Dolph. One
day you will be able to return home
beneath the sea with your belt a hero.
is backstage and says stuff. Something about
being the Ultimate Optimisprimist and how
he has the ability to quickly transform from Peterbilt
Truck to upright man, and make you forget
there was also a 40 foot trailer there
too just seconds before. Where did it go?
Who knows. I really wasn't paying attention.
Show vs. CM Punk
I recently created
an awesome straight-edge drinking game in
that you take a drink every time Punk says
something about being straight-edge and you
don't stop until you destroy your life and
those all around you. Isn't catching on too
Big Show (but what kind of show? GOD I HOPE
ITS PUPPETS) beats the hometown boy with a
punch to the face with his frying pan hands
- frying pans that could prolly cook
up drugs and hurt CM's feelings no doubt.
though I really wasn't paying attention
much 'cause I was too fixated on Punk's
Cobra tattoo and then pictured Big Show as
Destro and how bad-ass that would be, even
if he didn't wear the pussy-lips collar which
I always assumed was a way of showing Baroness
who's boss and how he could tap that shit anytime
he wanted. (Do you think his cock was
silver, too? ANARCHY!111).
Jericho is backstage. If he doesn't win tonight,
he retires. Nooooo! Chris is like way to0
young to play shuffleboard, die in his
sleep and eat dinner at 3pm everyday.
for the Miz vs. Bryan match. Some ppl have
said Bryan is a lot like a new Benoit
- only not a murderer. And I can see it. Although,
I'd still be careful. If I was his
friends, I'd start to worry if he starts suddenly leaving
bibles besides his opponents and then calls
them to say the dogs are in the pool
area and the soy burgers are in the fridge.
tragic murders aside:
Daniel Bryan Danielson vs. The Miz
for United States Championship of the World!1111
is, despite being kind of omnipotent, I don't
know that much about this Bryan
really (other than I'm convinced he was
my grade 7 biology teacher - he also was known
for his flash kicks and secret sexual
abuse - or the first one), but I understand
that he is also known as the American Dragon,
which is kinda awesome, because i always thought
dragons were just from Medieval England,
Japan, or the reaches of my glorious
imagination. And i know i constantly bug yous
guys about how america is really just
Canada's underwear, but i think it's
honestly legit touching the way yous
guys show no prejudice in your immigration
system unless they're arabs or brown
generally. So Yay! Dragons as Legal
citizens! "Give us
your poor, your tired, your huddled dragons
longing to be free!!111"
said, and despite the spirit of c0-existing
and such naturally & nationally, you need
to still keep your filthy U.S. belt
away from here, mister! (or misses - i don't
discriminate against the bitches). Your title
has no jurisdiction in my country, Canada
- land that i love. And i aim to keep it that
way politely with my doors unlocked.
Miz has his longtime male companion, Alex
Riley, the only 40 year old man still in high
school besides me, in his corner. But this
doesn't stop Daniel Bryan's haircut, who goes
on offense, with kicks and kicks and kicks, looking
for his painful submission move, originally called
the oompaloompa crossface - a hold invented
in Brazil to ward off evil orange midgets
(not Taz) hording chocolate and serving
a sinister master. Eventually, though, he
gets it, and gets the submission and the title
and the belt even, and we're informed
by Matt Striker that it's now called
the Labelle lock - of course mastered/coined
by R&B songstress Patti Labelle, who when
she wasn't belting out soulful music to set
your fuckin' to, was also stretchin dudes
with complicated submissions! True story!
& *New* United States Champion: Daniel
Bryan; although it got kinda old listening
to Michael Cole constantly call Bryan
a nerd for twenty minutes. Isn't that like
the pot calling the kettle black and
then Al Sharpton getting involved and
no one gets any tea and the races drift farther
apart? I don't know. All I do know is, if
there's any justice in this world (besides
against minorities), Bryan will soon get
to wear Ricky Steamboat's old fiberglass dragon
head and breathe fire and angrily go
to WCW 3 months later when he gets tired
of the bullshit.
Michelle McCool vs. Melina for the
Undefined Women's title.
honour of this bigtime match, I just unified my hand with my penis, and almost lasted as long as
the match did (only blew one spot, too!).
this was a Lumberjill match,
which I understand makes sense 'cause a
lot of these ladies got their jobs i heard
by handling wood. (They also ate the world
famous lumberjill breakfast b4 work -
then puked it right back up to maintain
speaking of throwing up, Michelle McCool
wins this thing with a boot to the face of
Melina (prolly 'cause she's as sick as I
am of seeing Melina's constipated smile.
Shit already and be done w/ it!).
said and such, a lot of ppl complained about
the terrible psychology in this one, but
the truth is, even though I have an HDTV,
I couldn't hear it - but I can prolly guess
it was Melina trying to tell Michelle gently,
"You're beautiful the way you are. You
need to eat! You're only destroying yourself!"
But Michelle wouldn't listen to Melina's
well-meaning psychology, made sure
Undertaker was taping his fists in the booking
meeting, and now she's champion of
the world and Divas and butterflies!
Michelle McCool - who was the only one attacked
by the Lumberjills! Weird! It
was kinda like her hubby Undertaker at Royal
Rumble '94 being attacked by 12 giant dudes
and stuffed into a casket, only instead it
was anorexic women with breast implants
hitting the wrong blond girls. And no, the
ghost of Michelle didn't rise above the
arena, as well! (Although, it prolly could,
she's already a skeleton!).
Barrett is backstage looking all tall and british
and having the same haircut my mom used
to comb for me when i was 5 and in kindergarten.
(so, it's awesome.). Wade says something
about winds of change blowing, and i keep
waiting for the hilarious fart punch-line
but it never comes and i'm disappointed. :(
Kane vs. Undertaker for
World Heavyweight Championship of the World.
show a package (not a penis) of their history
and we see Undertaker return at Summer Slam,
waking up from his vegetative state and attacking
Kane! But what kind of doctor let's a guy
in a coma lay around in tights for 3
months? THE AWESOME KIND WHO KNOWS
DARKSIDE JUSTICE WHEN HE SEES IT!!111
my money here (and I have THOUSANDS) is
on the tall guy with mystical powers
who's undertaker. Wait. I fucked that joke up.
I'm pulling for the tall guy with mystical
powers who could also be Kane! Better.
said, as they fight and fight, (and in
honor of this match the crowd was also dead), the
announcers bring up memories of See No Evil
and i ask my fat cousin Madison how there
could be any memories if no one watched it.
Then i laugh and laugh and i feel really good
about myself for mocking things.
in the ring, undertaker eventually connects
with a chokeslam and pulls his straps down
in a manner in which i imagine Michelle McCool
is quite accustomed, (TIME TO GET SOME
REST IN PIECE!!111 Hahahahaha), but Kane reverses
the tombstone like only a guy who's taken
a 1000 of them for 15 years straight can,
and he hits his own and Undertaker
is pinned and killed!!!11
Kane and vegetarians everywhere, unless that's
not what they meant w/ Undertaker. (it would
explain his poor colouring though!).
is available on DVD September 28th - so for
those of yous guys who didn't have the privilege
of choosing to not watch it in one
of 8 theaters playing it nation-wide, despite
the only other thing playing being a
4 year old Wicker Man starring Nick Cage,
the good news is you can ignore it on
blu-ray, too. But you totally shouldn't!!111
'Cause, at the end, the mother not only
knows how to get her son back, she gets him back, and is now convinced
that she'll never ever make another movie
made by WWE again! LEGENDARY!
Dynasty vs. Usos vs. Santino Marella &
Vladimir Kozlov vs. evan Bourne & Kool-Aid
vs. Drew McIntyre & "Dashing" Cody
Rhodes corpse: WWE Tag Team Championship Tag
team TURMOIL of Championships. (and turmoil.).
Harts start with the Usos who are the sons
of Rikishi, whom i still can't figure out
how he procreated since his dink was incased
within his body (and not in a good way) and
he just kinda always backed into things. Maybe
he taught his wife how to do the same thing
& accidents just happened? Maybe.
one of the Usos (the skinny one w/ the moustache)
pins Tyson Kidd and they're eliminated!! NOOOOO!
I was so hoping the Harts would retain until
at least Hell in a Cell, so Jim the Anvil
(Advil?) Neidhart could accompany them
to the ring and show them how to *really*
survive inside a cell! But that's all ruined
now. Stupid WWE. Always ruining things 2 ppl
next is Kozlov and Santino, the best Russia/Italy reunion
since World war 2 only w/ way more tragedies!
(have you seen their matches?!). They get
beat quick though when some guy named Tamina
distracted Santino and an Uso Samoan dropped
him. (stupid clumsy Samoans, always dropping
said, I was talking to my online girlfriend
whose not aware of it/consenting, Catherine
Perez, on MSN, and she told me Tamina is not
only a WOMAN, but she's actually the legit DAUGHTER
of Jimmy Superfly Snuka - who obviously musta refrained
from killing a girl long enough for her
to become pregnant and go full term!!11 You
learn awesome new things every day, except
how to piss standing up without spraying your
balls. I'm still workin' on that one.
The Usos get pinned and beat next by Evan
Bourne and Mark Henry when Henry hits the
world's hungriest slam and Evan connects with
a shooting star - only not an actual shooting
star because that'd open up a black hole capable
of unspeakable destruction, and not Mark henry
I asked evil sean Carless what a good team
name for this awesome ebony & hungry team of
Henry & bourne could be, and after not
answering me for 4 straight hours and
deleting me off his friends list altogether
after I accidentally turned on my webcam while doing
DDP yoga in the nude, he reluctantly said,
"Bourne 2 Eat"? and i didn't get it and still
don't and regret even asking/ pulling up my
ya. they get beat by Drew & Cody, who
then win the Trojan condom
belts, which is
prolly awesome for guy's like Cody who can
have their pick of any girl who loves
men who look like hemophiliacs he wants, but
not so much for Drew, who let's face it, doesn't
exactly need protection for the sheep he beds.
(And trust me, I know! We've all been there
- if only for the Dr. Moreau possibilities!!!!).
CHAMPIONSHIP Six-Pack Challenge: (C) Sheamus
vs. John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho
vs. Edge w/ returning MATRIX overcoat. (I
wonder if taking that pill that wakes you
up into the *real* world is a banned substance
on the Wellness list?).
OK. I'm tired of writing. Randy Orton wins
this brouhaha (named after 1800's tough guy/comedian
Walter P. Brouhaha), pinning Sheamus for the
belt with the RKO, even though I thought he
coulda easily eliminated Sheamus much earlier
if he just told him there was a bottle of
scotch under the ring - that way Sheamus's
natural instincts as an Irishman/alcoholic
woulda kicked in and while he was scrambling
for his fix/fuel to beat his wife later
on, he'd have been counted out. You know i'm
right! In fact, I'm only convinced Sheamus
showed up tonight 'cause he heard the
word "six-pack" and said, "I'm there, Fella!!!1111"
the other eliminations were as follows: Jericho
was 1st, pinned with an RKO. No more
code breakers. Which is a SHAME 'cause i
was told in grade school this is how
WW2 was really won. It's TRUE. Hitler
was comin' home after a night out w/ Eva Braun
and bam, two knees to the chin and an A-bomb
on Japan later the war was over. HISTORY:
Time's way of recording what happens.
was then pinned by Cena with an AA - he hoisted
an inebriated Arn Anderson onto his shoulders
and hurled him onto an unsuspecting Edge for
the pin/intervention. (i'm guessing.
TRUTH IS, I ACTUALLY BECAME DISTRACTED
WHEN MY 17 YEAR OLD NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR GOT
DRESSED FOR BED. Part of me knew it
was wrong to watch/masturbate, because i don't
know when her b-day is and prolly should just wait
until she's legal & such b4 violating
her privacy, but the other part that looks
& sounds like my penis, said "why not?"
(I think. I don't really speak his language).
All I knows is, as I was cleaning up with
a well-timed swipe to the track pants and
she was turning out the light, I turned back
to suddenly see Edge leaving all sad.
was Cena by Barrett with the Wasteland (not
FCW) while he was distracted by the Nexus/startling
ugliness of Heath Slater. It's true and
it's frightening. If he ever has sex and impregnates,
say Christie Hemme, we'll then have
a terrifying ginger forehead capable of replacing
the Titan Tron altogether!1111 Be afraid!
next pinned & eliminated Barrett
with an RKO, posturing & quivering like
the glorious two legged viper w/ human tattoos
& emotions and talking ability he is. Ya.
he's really not-at-all snake-like, is
he? And what's with all these walking snakes
in wrestling? And will Wrestlemania end with
Orton being carried by a rhyming but blinded Ezekial
Jackson while Randy's yells, "I was oncccceeeeeee
a man!" All questions w/ answers , no doubt.
finally ... scroll
My Balls are kind of itchy. But I’m
afraid to scratch them because I have a phobia
of puncturing my scrotum.
faggots, that’s it for this special (Better
then everyone's) Réport of NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS.
Until next time, I’ll cya soon but prolly
"Mr. Money in the Piggy Bank" Canadian Bacon
mail HERE, or die from cancer of the