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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.
Friday, September 20 2010 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon 
 
Hey there Baconfans and fans of PPV and fans of Bacon's PPV review, I'm Bacon and this is his PPV review, the greatest and most comprehensivy (and real words) coverage of the sport you've never read in yer life. Ya!!11
 
Anyways, your friend and mine (well, not really, he stole my life and hurt my feelings a bunch), the evil slavemaster, sean Carless, recently called me up and demanded I save this website from ruin and somesuch and review tonight's show because no one wanted to do it and he's lazy and prolly a faggot and i'm paraphrasing. And after bigtime thinking about it, and considering my self-imposed exile from wrestling writery to concentrate on fulfilling a secret prophecy between me and god to build an ark to house every animal in pairs (a special section is being made for Batista & George Steele) I decided, "what the hell, im kinda awesome," and the plebs (you) needed me telling why you're wrong to like what you like anyway, so I might as well just take a break from my heavenly build of perpetuating the future of humanity & beasts and just order the show and tell you why it sucks and isn't as good as it used to be. (You're welcome.).
 
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV RÉPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
 
Anyways, this is Night Of Champions, a show where all the belts are on the line, and some ppl might say, "hey, shouldn't every belt be on the line on PPV anyway or what's the point of even having champions?" but those ppl just don't get it.
 
That said, I heard through the grapevine (really just a bush I was hiding in and masturbating) that tonight's show was originally gonna be called "Night of guys getting belts so maybe then you'll finally care about them and we'll maybe even sell some knock-off toys that you'll have to hide in front of actual cool kids with so they don't beat you to death fer bein' such a pansy-ass homo faggot with plastic belts on." They luckily changed it, though, or else they'd have to have built a DVD case miles long for the graphic!1111 Good thinking!
 
Your announcers are Michael Cole, the teacher guy who wore no pants thus prolly why he was disgraced (Social studies in Speedos? Ridicockulous!) and Jerry Lawler - a king who should prolly make a royal decree to lower the age of consent already! It'd really open up the dating pool for him! (a legit pool full of hot teenage girls you get to fuck!).
 
First match is Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler vs. the Kofi Kingston, who's looking to regain his belt and go home and celebrate with all his fellow Ghanarians.
 
Anyways, Dolph's girlfriend, Vicki, (why doesn't Chavo have a problem with his sister-in-law fucking his former Caddy?) and a chick named Katelyn, who replaced the giant girl who got fired for taking giant sexy pictures (that musta been a big camera!), are in the champ's corner.  And this makes Baconman bigtime sad. I was so looking forward to seeing that giant broad (I want to say her name is Alopecia?), and if the moment ever arose, and the cards were right, and if animal control would just agree to lend me their tranqs, maybe even take her out for a nice meal - and if the mood was even righter still from there, maybe even go up on her. (she's really tall.). I'd mention then having full-on sexiness of the area with her, but I imagine her vag is prolly like the Grand Canyon (named after gay wrestler Chris Kanyon, who like the landmark too had a lot of men pass through him) and that'd create some super duper awkwardness for a guy like me with such a lean penile. (like throwing a twizzler into a black hole!).
 
Anyways, despite using his African heritage to duck and weave and bounce around (Africans tend to be fast and agile 'cause they're always being chased by lions & white ppl over there) Kofi still came up short, unless you're talkin peniley because he's black and is prolly huge so scratch that. Dolph then puts him away with the Zig-Zag anyway which is also what filthy disgusting pot-heads like sean Carless call the wrappers they incase their herbal evil in (I myself practice a protractor lifestyle like CM Punk).
 
Winner and still champion of the continents and NOT the oceans - Dolph ziggler. And this is sad because his full name is actually Dolphin. It's just a matter of time, Dolph. One day you will be able to return home beneath the sea with your belt a hero.
 
-Edge is backstage and says stuff. Something about being the Ultimate Optimisprimist and how he has the ability to quickly transform from Peterbilt Truck to upright man, and make you forget there was also a 40 foot trailer there too just seconds before. Where did it go? Who knows. I really wasn't paying attention.
 
Big Show vs. CM Punk
 
I recently created an awesome straight-edge drinking game in that you take a drink every time Punk says something about being straight-edge and you don't stop until you destroy your life and those all around you. Isn't catching on too well, though.
 
Anyways, Big Show (but what kind of show? GOD I HOPE ITS PUPPETS) beats the hometown boy with a punch to the face with his frying pan hands - frying pans that could prolly cook up drugs and hurt CM's feelings no doubt.
 
Truthfully though I really wasn't paying attention much 'cause I was too fixated on Punk's Cobra tattoo and then pictured Big Show as Destro and how bad-ass that would be, even if he didn't wear the pussy-lips collar which I always assumed was a way of showing Baroness who's boss and how he could tap that shit anytime he wanted. (Do you think his cock was silver, too? ANARCHY!111).
 
 
Winner: Big Show. 
 
- Chris Jericho is backstage. If he doesn't win tonight, he retires. Nooooo! Chris is like way to0 young to play shuffleboard, die in his sleep and eat dinner at 3pm everyday. GO CHRIS!!!111
 
-Video for the Miz vs. Bryan match. Some ppl have said Bryan is a lot like a new Benoit - only not a murderer. And I can see it. Although, I'd still be careful. If I was his friends, I'd start to worry if he starts suddenly leaving bibles besides his opponents and then calls them to say the dogs are in the pool area and the soy burgers are in the fridge.
 
Anyways, tragic murders aside:
 
Daniel Bryan Danielson vs. The Miz for United States Championship of the World!1111
 
Truth is, despite being kind of omnipotent, I don't know that much about this Bryan really (other than I'm convinced he was my grade 7 biology teacher - he also was known for his flash kicks and secret sexual abuse - or the first one), but I understand that he is also known as the American Dragon, which is kinda awesome, because i always thought dragons were just from Medieval England, Japan, or the reaches of my glorious imagination. And i know i constantly bug yous guys about  how america is really just Canada's underwear, but i think it's honestly legit touching the way yous  guys show no prejudice in your immigration system unless they're arabs or brown generally. So Yay! Dragons as Legal citizens!  "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled dragons longing to be free!!111"
 
 
That said, and despite the spirit of c0-existing and such naturally & nationally, you need to still keep your filthy U.S. belt away from here, mister! (or misses - i don't discriminate against the bitches). Your title has no jurisdiction in my country, Canada - land that i love. And i aim to keep it that way politely with my doors unlocked.
 
Anyways, Miz has his longtime male companion, Alex Riley, the only 40 year old man still in high school besides me, in his corner. But this doesn't stop Daniel Bryan's haircut, who goes on offense, with kicks and kicks and kicks, looking for his painful submission move, originally called the oompaloompa crossface - a hold invented in Brazil to ward off evil orange midgets (not Taz) hording chocolate and serving a sinister master. Eventually, though, he gets it, and gets the submission and the title and the belt even, and we're informed by Matt Striker that it's now called the Labelle lock - of course mastered/coined by R&B songstress Patti Labelle, who when she wasn't belting out soulful music to set your fuckin' to, was also stretchin dudes with complicated submissions! True story! Legit!
 
 
Winner & *New* United States Champion: Daniel Bryan; although it got kinda old listening to Michael Cole constantly call Bryan a nerd for twenty minutes. Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black and then Al Sharpton getting involved and no one gets any tea and the races drift farther apart? I don't know. All I do know is, if there's any justice in this world (besides against minorities), Bryan will soon get to wear Ricky Steamboat's old fiberglass dragon head and breathe fire and angrily go to WCW 3 months later when he gets tired of the bullshit.
 
Michelle McCool vs. Melina for the Undefined Women's title.
 
In honour of this bigtime match, I just unified my hand with my penis, and almost lasted as long as the match did (only blew one spot, too!).
 
Anyways, this was a Lumberjill match, which I understand makes sense 'cause a lot of these ladies got their jobs i heard by handling wood. (They also ate the world famous lumberjill breakfast b4 work - then puked it right back up to maintain their figures!!!111).
 
And speaking of throwing up, Michelle McCool wins this thing with a boot to the face of Melina (prolly 'cause she's as sick as I am of seeing Melina's constipated smile. Shit already and be done w/ it!).
 
That said and such, a lot of ppl complained about the terrible psychology in this one, but  the truth is, even though I have an HDTV, I couldn't hear it - but I can prolly guess it was Melina trying to tell Michelle gently, "You're beautiful the way you are. You need to eat! You're only destroying yourself!" But Michelle wouldn't listen to Melina's well-meaning psychology, made sure Undertaker was taping his fists in the booking meeting, and now she's champion of the world and Divas and butterflies!
 
Winner: Michelle McCool - who was the only one attacked by the Lumberjills! Weird! It was kinda like her hubby Undertaker at Royal Rumble '94 being attacked by 12 giant dudes and stuffed into a casket, only instead it was anorexic women with breast implants hitting the wrong blond girls. And no, the ghost of Michelle didn't rise above the arena, as well! (Although, it prolly could, she's already a skeleton!).
 
-Wade Barrett is backstage looking all tall and british and having the same haircut my mom used to comb for me when i was 5 and in kindergarten. (so, it's awesome.). Wade says something about winds of change blowing, and i keep waiting for the hilarious fart punch-line but it never comes and i'm disappointed. :(
Kane vs. Undertaker for World Heavyweight Championship of the World.
 
They show a package (not a penis) of their history and we see Undertaker return at Summer Slam, waking up from his vegetative state and attacking Kane! But what kind of doctor let's a guy in a coma lay around in tights for 3 months? THE AWESOME KIND WHO KNOWS DARKSIDE JUSTICE WHEN HE SEES IT!!111
 
Anyways, my money here (and I have THOUSANDS) is on the tall guy with mystical powers who's undertaker. Wait. I fucked that joke up. I'm pulling for the tall guy with mystical powers who could also be Kane! Better.
 
That said, as they fight and fight, (and in honor of this match the crowd was also dead), the announcers bring up memories of See No Evil and i ask my fat cousin Madison how there could be any memories if no one watched it. Then i laugh and laugh and i feel really good about myself for mocking things.
 
Back in the ring, undertaker eventually connects with a chokeslam and pulls his straps down in a manner in which i imagine Michelle McCool is quite accustomed, (TIME TO GET SOME REST IN PIECE!!111 Hahahahaha), but Kane reverses the tombstone like only a guy who's taken a 1000 of them for 15 years straight can, and he hits his own and Undertaker is pinned and killed!!!11
 
Winner: Kane and vegetarians everywhere, unless that's not what they meant w/ Undertaker. (it would explain his poor colouring though!).
 
-Legendary is available on DVD September 28th - so for those of yous guys who didn't have the privilege of choosing to not watch it in one of 8 theaters playing it nation-wide, despite the only other thing playing being a 4 year old Wicker Man starring Nick Cage, the good news is you can ignore it on blu-ray, too. But you totally shouldn't!!111 'Cause, at the end, the mother not only knows how to get her son back, she gets him back, and is now convinced that she'll never ever make another movie made by WWE again! LEGENDARY!
 
Hart Dynasty vs. Usos vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. evan Bourne & Kool-Aid vs. Drew McIntyre &  "Dashing" Cody Rhodes corpse: WWE Tag Team Championship Tag team TURMOIL of Championships. (and turmoil.).
 
The Harts start with the Usos who are the sons of Rikishi, whom i still can't figure out how he procreated since his dink was incased within his body (and not in a good way) and he just kinda always backed into things. Maybe he taught his wife how to do the same thing & accidents just happened? Maybe.
 
Anyways, one of the Usos (the skinny one w/ the moustache) pins Tyson Kidd and they're eliminated!! NOOOOO! I was so hoping the Harts would retain until at least Hell in a Cell, so Jim the Anvil (Advil?) Neidhart could accompany them to the ring and show them how to *really* survive inside a cell! But that's all ruined now. Stupid WWE. Always ruining things 2 ppl would understand.
 
Up next is Kozlov and Santino, the best Russia/Italy reunion since World war 2 only w/ way more tragedies! (have you seen their matches?!). They get beat quick though when some guy named Tamina distracted Santino and an Uso Samoan dropped him. (stupid clumsy Samoans, always dropping things.).
 
That said, I was talking to my online girlfriend whose not aware of it/consenting, Catherine Perez, on MSN, and she told me Tamina is not only a WOMAN, but she's actually the legit DAUGHTER of Jimmy Superfly Snuka - who obviously musta refrained from killing a girl long enough for her to become pregnant and go full term!!11 You learn awesome new things every day, except how to piss standing up without spraying your balls. I'm still workin' on that one.
 
Oh! The Usos get pinned and beat next by Evan Bourne and Mark Henry when Henry hits the world's hungriest slam and Evan connects with a shooting star - only not an actual shooting star because that'd open up a black hole capable of unspeakable destruction, and not Mark henry either.
 
Anyways, I asked evil sean Carless what a good team name for this awesome ebony & hungry team of Henry & bourne could be, and after not answering me for 4 straight hours and deleting me off his friends list altogether after I accidentally turned on my webcam while doing DDP yoga in the nude, he reluctantly said, "Bourne 2 Eat"? and i didn't get it and still don't and regret even asking/ pulling up my pants.
 
Oh, ya. they get beat by Drew & Cody, who then win the Trojan condom belts, which is prolly awesome for guy's like Cody who can have their pick of any girl who loves men who look like hemophiliacs he wants, but not so much for Drew, who let's face it, doesn't exactly need protection for the sheep he beds. (And trust me, I know! We've all been there - if only for the Dr. Moreau possibilities!!!!).
 
MAIN EVENT!!1111
 
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP Six-Pack Challenge: (C) Sheamus vs. John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho vs. Edge w/ returning MATRIX overcoat. (I wonder if taking that pill that wakes you up into the *real* world is a banned substance on the Wellness list?).
 
OK. I'm tired of writing. Randy Orton wins this brouhaha (named after 1800's tough guy/comedian Walter P. Brouhaha), pinning Sheamus for the belt with the RKO, even though I thought he coulda easily eliminated Sheamus much earlier if he just told him there was a bottle of scotch under the ring - that way Sheamus's natural instincts as an Irishman/alcoholic woulda kicked in and while he was scrambling for his fix/fuel to beat his wife later on, he'd have been counted out. You know i'm right! In fact, I'm only convinced Sheamus showed up tonight 'cause he heard the word "six-pack" and said, "I'm there, Fella!!!1111"
 
Anyways, the other eliminations were as follows: Jericho was 1st, pinned with an RKO. No more code breakers. Which is a SHAME 'cause i was told in grade school this is how WW2 was really won. It's TRUE. Hitler was comin' home after a night out w/ Eva Braun and bam, two knees to the chin and an A-bomb on Japan later the war was over. HISTORY: Time's way of recording what happens.
 
Edge was then pinned by Cena with an AA - he hoisted an inebriated Arn Anderson onto his shoulders and hurled him onto an unsuspecting Edge for the pin/intervention. (i'm guessing. TRUTH IS, I ACTUALLY BECAME DISTRACTED WHEN MY 17 YEAR OLD NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR GOT DRESSED FOR BED. Part of me knew it was wrong to watch/masturbate, because i don't know when her b-day is and prolly should just wait until she's legal & such b4 violating her privacy, but the other part that looks & sounds like my penis, said "why not?" (I think. I don't really speak his language). All I knows is, as I was cleaning up with a well-timed swipe to the track pants and she was turning out the light, I turned back to suddenly see Edge leaving all sad.
 
Next was Cena by Barrett with the Wasteland (not FCW) while he was distracted by the Nexus/startling ugliness of Heath Slater. It's true and it's frightening. If he ever has sex and impregnates, say Christie Hemme, we'll then have a terrifying ginger forehead capable of replacing the Titan Tron altogether!1111 Be afraid!
 
Orton next pinned & eliminated Barrett with an RKO, posturing & quivering like the glorious two legged viper w/ human tattoos & emotions and talking ability he is. Ya. he's really not-at-all snake-like, is he? And what's with all these walking snakes in wrestling? And will Wrestlemania end with Orton being carried by a rhyming but blinded Ezekial Jackson while Randy's yells, "I was oncccceeeeeee a man!" All questions w/ answers , no doubt.
 
And finally ... scroll up!!111
 
FINAL THOUGHTS: My Balls are kind of itchy. But I’m afraid to scratch them because I have a phobia of puncturing my scrotum.
 
Ok, faggots, that’s it for this special (Better then everyone's) Réport of NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS. Until next time, I’ll cya soon but prolly not.
 
Send "Mr. Money in the Piggy Bank" Canadian Bacon mail HERE, or die from cancer of the shit-can!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).