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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Sunday November 28, 2004 11:00PM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey there Faggots!!!!  Canadian Bacon here with another edition of the bestest column in Canada…...and all the unimportant other places too : Bringing home the Bacon. Ya!!!!!!!11

First, I gots to say I wasn’t actually prepared for a column this week but then sean emailed me and said he needed something really kinda sorta awesome for tonight and since as everyone knows im now the internets new top guy (choke on it blob keith) I accepted. (I had to tape renowned Canadian caperfest Sue Thomas FB. Eye though - which i learned may be nominated for the prestigious all-Canadian GENIE AWARDS!!11 YES!!! And if the mystical and magical Jinn can put aside unfurling dark and  accursed black magic long enough to cast their votes and honour this Canadian institution, I figure I might as well break out the old Beta VCR and watch it!).

However, the real truth is its actually been another tough week as hard as the dickens for old baconman. First, my fat cousin Madison was sent to hospital last week after he and my uncle barry went to an emu farm and the emus went all crazylike and attacked Madison, pinning him down,  raping him and  prolly hurting his feelings too! And this was nots so long after he was penetrated by a fallen tree branch and had his asshole explode. Its true!!!11 He now has to wear a perma-diaper 'cause everytime he farts his underwear looks like a Rorshach painting (named after the guy from Welcome Back Kotter I think).

There was a bigtime investigation and it turns out the Emu in question had to be destroyed. (In Canada, they just show the animals the U.S. MTV program lineup and they just keel over and die, having lost the will to go on. We figure its the cheapest and most humane way!). Anyways, after concluding their bigtime investigation, our federally funded Emu detectives discovered that the whole thing started because Madison stuck a quarter in its ass - confusing it for the 25 cent Supermarket ride of similar cartoon proportions. And as a result, to this day, Madison can't go to Food City no more without bursting into tears and clutching his ass in horrid memory of a lightning fast bird member blowing up his love chute. Terrible!!!111

But the bad news kept on comin.  A few days ago I got an early Xmas present from my gramma: a brand spankin new pair of stylish mukluks, just like the dirty Eskimos wear!!! Unfortunately though they was real tight and such and they cut off my circulation completely and I had to go to the free clinic and get my foot amputated but luckily there wasn’t much damage and I left without a scratch. The sad part though is the lack of circulation everywheres else caused my dink to shrink to a ridiculous childlike size (even more so) and because of that I kept pissing on my own cock shaft which I've since learned from physicians is both equal parts a medical miracle and unfathomably hysterical. (it looks like a sprinkler when your dad forgets to ring out the kinks.).

That’s just plain cruelty. But for the record, if you flew DOWN youd be in that filthy mexico not Canada the land that I love. Saskatchewan is north buster and that’s why its gods country cause it’s the highest point in the world and thus closer to GOD. (who actually makes his spiritual home somewhere in the Yucatan peninsula im told). It’s simple arithmathmematics really. Idiot.

Anyways now that we gots this outta the way we can move onto the meat (LMAO, meat) of this column: Thanksgiving (the fake one)


That’s right, the real thanksgiving took place back in October here, so that means we’re better. It says so right in yer bible. Yous may have been celebrating it, but to the rest of us in Canada it was just Thursday (it was also casual pants day at my work). Anyways this got me to thinking about the very first thanksgiving and how yous filthy Americans came rollin off the boat onto that Dodge-Plymouth rock stinking of fish and wet powdered wigs and how the Indians were still nice enough to share their dinner with you anyway (they invented turkey). But I imagine you guys weren’t 2 grateful and such. You went ahead and stole their land anyway, gave them them diarrhea disease (which is more visibly embarrassing when you only wear a loin cloth) and prolly even teased the buffalos, too! And all after that high chief guy slaved in the kitchen all day preparing a meal with all the fixins just for you! (it musta been hard though to open the can of cranberry jelly since the can opener wasn’t even invented yet). Anyways, this would never happen in Canada. The Indians will always be a friend to us even if they are dirty savages.

Anyways, I thought in the spirit of the good will and even though our ancestors had the good sense to put our version on a Sunday instead of the middle of the week,  I’d take the time to give bigtime thanks to a few things that I may not have given credit to before because I'm so important and busy. Here we go!

I’M Thankful for:

Vader: It’s Vader time! Which I always guessed was around lunch or supper cause he was kinda fat. Anyways I always liked vader and was surprised he was never made the big champ in WWF back in 1996. What always bothered me though is why he never used any of his force powers. I mean he was a dark lord of the sith,  so why didn’t he use the force-choke to beat Shawn Michaels or at least the dark lightning? If I was a former wcw champion with skills in the jedi arts I’d certainly use them ALL the time. I mean, he once choked a dude with his thoughts in space so i suspect phantom powerbombing Shawn Michaels whilst driving to Cleveland might be in the cards, but no. Man, at least use the jedi mind trick to get the referee to reverse the decision or something. Sheesh.

King Kong Bundy: I always liked King Kong Bundy 'cause he was able to make a pretty smooth transition from ape to man and made it look simpler than me on the wallball circuit! I imagine it musta been harsh having to shave bundy of all that monkey hair though (like giving a Brazilian to a 70's porn star! they just want to have sex all the time and won't sit still!). One thing that never made any sense though is why he got the big time knocked out by Hulk Hogan in that steel cage -  especially after surviving that fall from the empires state building! I don’t know, maybe one of those fruit carts that those stinky immigrant venders always have broke his fall on the way down?  If that’s the case, betcha he wished he had an arab to fall on at wrestlemania 2! He’d prolly still be champ today if he had and the Twin Towers would still be standing! Thanks a lot, Hulk Hogan. You murderer.

HHH:   He’s the Game! But what Game is he? I’m thinking Jenga.

Kamala:  Kamala is all about workrate and not bells and whistles (which just confuse him). I don’t think you'll find 2 many people who’ll put on as many consecutive four moon matches as him. (Even he knew this, and painted, you guessed it, a MOON on his stomach!). Anyways they called him the Ugandan headhunter and I never knew why he’d brag about that. I mean how hard would it be to hunt a head? I means really. It's not like it can go anywhere, it’s a head! Anyways, I was surprised to find out that kamala isn’t even from Uganda! Hes actually living in CANADA! No wonder I like him so much! (My inside source told me so and he was the guy who used to wash Bruce Hart’s singlet back in Stampede in the late 80’s so I believe him). Anyways, beinin Canada, im not sure where he’d learn how to spear wildebeests and not wear shoes cause no one  would ever confuse Toronto with deepest darkest Africa. Although, in certain areas it  does seem that way sometimes. But its all good! That’s why Canada’s great! We all get along, even if the Jamaicans do try and steal your pay packet for hard drugs and white women!

My readers: Normally I’d tell you how much I don’t really care about you but without your votes how can I take my rightful place as lord of this website (and eventually planet Earth)? I need you as much as you need me (you don’t have to thank me for making you forget how fat and ugly you are for a while, its my pleasure), so do what's right because every vote for that slave-driver sean carless is a vote for terrorism, fascism and faggoty mops of hair.

Canada: Your great snowbound neighbour to the north and the 2nd biggest country in the world and if you go by wrestling that means we’re better! The best part of being Canadian is that you don’t ever have to worry about being shot! Well unless yer moose hunting in a snow coloured costume (I learned my lesson the hard way that day). The only real downsides to living here is filthy Frenchmen like that dave Gagnon and his sleazy moustache always stealing all of our western women with their sweet talk and heavily sauced foods! Its just horrible. But not all Quebecers have moustaches - im sure theres a few women who don’t. HAHAHAHA. I’m just kidding, we’re all one big happy family here in Canada, and since its so close to Christmas, I thought I would share a message of the goodwill with our American brothers in our second native language, French! (We’re a bi-sexual country). So (polar) bear with me cause my French is a little rusty, but here we go:

"Mangez la merde, Américain stupide!"

– Love Canada!

Dusty Rhodes:  Dusty Rhodes is of course the American Dream but no one ever told us what dream that was. I hope its not the one where you go to school and forget your pants. I always hated that one. Anyways dusty Rhodes was just named TNA’s new booker and if that’s not copying WWE I don’t know what is. I mean he doesn’t look anything like Booker T! I mean he’s not even black (he is a good dancer though.). Anyways Dusty was always a favourite of mine, and I loved the bionic elbow. I mean a bionic elbow, WOW! To look at him you’d never guess his arm was robotic. That’s very cool but it does explain why NWA almost went out of business. I mean advanced technology like that would have had to put you back at least two hundred dollars. Imagine how many more world-class wrestlers like Pistol Pez Watley they coulda hired for that!

My Job: For those one or two people on earth who haven’t been reading my column, I’m probably the most celebrated pewter statuette salesman in the entire province of Saskatchewan, and I’m this CLOSe to finally snagging the order of the plodding moose which for the last few years has become my white whale (not a legit whale.). But this *is* the year, I can feel it! I was the first person to break a bakers dozen in the mass sale of Che Guevara  commemorative plates, and I’ve put more pewter dolphins on lay aways than you could ever imagine (3). This has to be the one, I know it! And coupled with my Golden Tenay Award (which I’ll definitely get bronzed if I win) this could be the bestest of years EVER! The only thing I’m worried about is I sometimes like to piss on people's porches between routes, but that’s just because my pisshole is the size of a regulation American silver dollar (it’s a long story) and coupled with my sneaky bladder (don't trust it, it lies) it's just hard to hold in all that uhu I drink. But thankfully no ones caught me yet - well, except fer one lady but I killed her so it’s ok.

My Family (except Madison): I have a great family, especially my gramma who was always good to me. She was the best! She never even really beat me that much either, and this was even after Julius and I would roll up Madison in her earthtone shag carpet and drown him in the pool. What a great lady! And tough as nails to! (and NAILZ. Did I mention she beat me?). I used to thumb her in the eye all the time like the Ric flair and she never even flinched! 'Course she did have cataracts the size of pancakes. Anyways she used to have this really touching saying before she died. Unfortunately though I can’t remembers what it is but I’ll be sure to ask her the next time I see her and let you know.

Scott Keith: I know what yer thinking: Blob Keith? And yer right! He did steal my life, and spite me by moving to Saskatchewan, but I draws my strength from my hatred of him. I don’t know what it is, maybe its cause he's so smooth with the ladies and maybe I can't compete with his smile (which is glorious) but I CAN pass him on the internet which I kinda have. Canadian Bacon OWNS Blob Keith - even if he gets laid all the time and I have to always resort to quietly and discreetly making love to my Uncle barry's inflatable John Deere green fishing vest when I visit, then tell him I accidentally spilled mayonnaise on the sleeve.

My Online Girlfriend: She’s the best sex I've never had in my life even though we’ve never met. But that’s gonna change really soon. We’ve been planning on meeting for about a month now but things keep coming up like me sitting on my balls. But things are finally lookin up. I just invited her down for the holidays where I plan  to put my dink in her and pleasure her in ways that haven't even been invented yet! (quick, someone invent them!). I’ve even been wearing a condom for three weeks straight to get ready 4 it. Unfortunately, though, I think I might have ruined it when I got up fer a midnight piss and forgot I had it on still and kinda exploded the reservoir tip - but who needs that part? I’m sure the rest of it will protect me from the dirty AIDS and unwanted pregnancies (like black babies).

Okays that’s it. Theres prolly a lotta other things im thankful for but I don’t think so.

And remember! bacon.jpgVote Bacon or be a faggot!

Consider this Bacon brought!