The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
|Sunday November 28, 2004 11:00PM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
Hey there Faggots!!!! Canadian Bacon here with another edition of the bestest column in Canada…...and all the unimportant other places too : Bringing home the Bacon. Ya!!!!!!!11
First, I gots to say I wasn’t actually prepared for a column this week but then sean emailed me and said he needed something really kinda sorta awesome for tonight and since as everyone knows im now the internets new top guy (choke on it blob keith) I accepted. (I had to tape renowned Canadian caperfest Sue Thomas FB. Eye though - which i learned may be nominated for the prestigious all-Canadian GENIE AWARDS!!11 YES!!! And if the mystical and magical Jinn can put aside unfurling dark and accursed black magic long enough to cast their votes and honour this Canadian institution, I figure I might as well break out the old Beta VCR and watch it!).
However, the real truth is its actually been another
tough week as hard as the dickens for old baconman. First, my fat cousin
Madison was sent to hospital last week after he and my uncle barry went
to an emu farm and the emus went all crazylike and attacked
There was a bigtime investigation and it turns out the Emu in question had to be destroyed. (In Canada, they just show the animals the U.S. MTV program lineup and they just keel over and die, having lost the will to go on. We figure its the cheapest and most humane way!). Anyways, after concluding their bigtime investigation, our federally funded Emu detectives discovered that the whole thing started because Madison stuck a quarter in its ass - confusing it for the 25 cent Supermarket ride of similar cartoon proportions. And as a result, to this day, Madison can't go to Food City no more without bursting into tears and clutching his ass in horrid memory of a lightning fast bird member blowing up his love chute. Terrible!!!111
But the bad news kept on comin. A few days ago I got an early Xmas present from my gramma: a brand spankin new pair of stylish mukluks, just like the dirty Eskimos wear!!! Unfortunately though they was real tight and such and they cut off my circulation completely and I had to go to the free clinic and get my foot amputated but luckily there wasn’t much damage and I left without a scratch. The sad part though is the lack of circulation everywheres else caused my dink to shrink to a ridiculous childlike size (even more so) and because of that I kept pissing on my own cock shaft which I've since learned from physicians is both equal parts a medical miracle and unfathomably hysterical. (it looks like a sprinkler when your dad forgets to ring out the kinks.).
That’s just plain cruelty. But for
the record, if you flew DOWN youd be in that filthy
Anyways now that we gots this outta the way we can move onto the meat (LMAO, meat) of this column: Thanksgiving (the fake one)
BACON GIVES THANKS
That’s right, the real thanksgiving took
place back in October here, so that means we’re better. It says so right
in yer bible. Yous may have been celebrating it, but to the rest of us
in Canada it was just Thursday
(it was also casual pants day at my work). Anyways this got me to thinking
about the very first thanksgiving and how yous filthy Americans came
rollin off the boat onto that Dodge-Plymouth rock stinking of fish and
wet powdered wigs and how the Indians were still nice enough to share
their dinner with you anyway (they invented turkey). But I imagine you
guys weren’t 2 grateful and such. You went ahead and stole their
land anyway, gave them them diarrhea disease (which is more visibly embarrassing
when you only wear a loin cloth) and prolly even teased
the buffalos, too! And all after that high chief guy slaved
in the kitchen all day preparing a meal with all the fixins just
for you! (it musta been hard though to open the can of cranberry jelly
since the can opener wasn’t even invented yet). Anyways, this would never
Anyways, I thought in the spirit of the good will and even though our ancestors had the good sense to put our version on a Sunday instead of the middle of the week, I’d take the time to give bigtime thanks to a few things that I may not have given credit to before because I'm so important and busy. Here we go!
I’M Thankful for:
Vader: It’s Vader time! Which I always guessed was around lunch or supper cause he was kinda fat. Anyways I always liked vader and was surprised he was never made the big champ in WWF back in 1996. What always bothered me though is why he never used any of his force powers. I mean he was a dark lord of the sith, so why didn’t he use the force-choke to beat Shawn Michaels or at least the dark lightning? If I was a former wcw champion with skills in the jedi arts I’d certainly use them ALL the time. I mean, he once choked a dude with his thoughts in space so i suspect phantom powerbombing Shawn Michaels whilst driving to Cleveland might be in the cards, but no. Man, at least use the jedi mind trick to get the referee to reverse the decision or something. Sheesh.
King Kong Bundy: I always liked King Kong Bundy 'cause he was able to make a pretty smooth transition from ape to man and made it look simpler than me on the wallball circuit! I imagine it musta been harsh having to shave bundy of all that monkey hair though (like giving a Brazilian to a 70's porn star! they just want to have sex all the time and won't sit still!). One thing that never made any sense though is why he got the big time knocked out by Hulk Hogan in that steel cage - especially after surviving that fall from the empires state building! I don’t know, maybe one of those fruit carts that those stinky immigrant venders always have broke his fall on the way down? If that’s the case, betcha he wished he had an arab to fall on at wrestlemania 2! He’d prolly still be champ today if he had and the Twin Towers would still be standing! Thanks a lot, Hulk Hogan. You murderer.
HHH: He’s the Game! But what Game is he? I’m thinking Jenga.
Kamala: Kamala is all about
workrate and not bells and whistles (which just confuse him). I don’t
think you'll find 2 many people who’ll put on as many consecutive four
moon matches as him. (Even he knew this, and painted, you guessed it,
a MOON on his stomach!). Anyways they called him the Ugandan headhunter
and I never knew why he’d brag about that. I mean how hard would it be
to hunt a head? I means really. It's not like it can go anywhere,
it’s a head! Anyways, I was surprised to find out that kamala isn’t even
from Uganda! Hes actually living
in CANADA! No wonder I like
him so much! (My inside source told me so and he was the guy who used
to wash Bruce Hart’s singlet back in Stampede in the late 80’s so I believe
him). Anyways, beinin
My readers: Normally I’d tell you how much I don’t really care about you but without your votes how can I take my rightful place as lord of this website (and eventually planet Earth)? I need you as much as you need me (you don’t have to thank me for making you forget how fat and ugly you are for a while, its my pleasure), so do what's right because every vote for that slave-driver sean carless is a vote for terrorism, fascism and faggoty mops of hair.
Canada: Your great snowbound neighbour to the north and the 2nd biggest country in the world and if you go by wrestling that means we’re better! The best part of being Canadian is that you don’t ever have to worry about being shot! Well unless yer moose hunting in a snow coloured costume (I learned my lesson the hard way that day). The only real downsides to living here is filthy Frenchmen like that dave Gagnon and his sleazy moustache always stealing all of our western women with their sweet talk and heavily sauced foods! Its just horrible. But not all Quebecers have moustaches - im sure theres a few women who don’t. HAHAHAHA. I’m just kidding, we’re all one big happy family here in Canada, and since its so close to Christmas, I thought I would share a message of the goodwill with our American brothers in our second native language, French! (We’re a bi-sexual country). So (polar) bear with me cause my French is a little rusty, but here we go:
"Mangez la merde, Américain stupide!"
– Love Canada!
Dusty Rhodes: Dusty
My Job: For those one or two people on earth who haven’t been reading my column, I’m probably the most celebrated pewter statuette salesman in the entire province of Saskatchewan, and I’m this CLOSe to finally snagging the order of the plodding moose which for the last few years has become my white whale (not a legit whale.). But this *is* the year, I can feel it! I was the first person to break a bakers dozen in the mass sale of Che Guevara commemorative plates, and I’ve put more pewter dolphins on lay aways than you could ever imagine (3). This has to be the one, I know it! And coupled with my Golden Tenay Award (which I’ll definitely get bronzed if I win) this could be the bestest of years EVER! The only thing I’m worried about is I sometimes like to piss on people's porches between routes, but that’s just because my pisshole is the size of a regulation American silver dollar (it’s a long story) and coupled with my sneaky bladder (don't trust it, it lies) it's just hard to hold in all that uhu I drink. But thankfully no ones caught me yet - well, except fer one lady but I killed her so it’s ok.
Scott Keith: I know what yer thinking:
Blob Keith? And yer right! He did steal my life, and
spite me by moving to
My Online Girlfriend: She’s the best sex I've never had in my life even though we’ve never met. But that’s gonna change really soon. We’ve been planning on meeting for about a month now but things keep coming up like me sitting on my balls. But things are finally lookin up. I just invited her down for the holidays where I plan to put my dink in her and pleasure her in ways that haven't even been invented yet! (quick, someone invent them!). I’ve even been wearing a condom for three weeks straight to get ready 4 it. Unfortunately, though, I think I might have ruined it when I got up fer a midnight piss and forgot I had it on still and kinda exploded the reservoir tip - but who needs that part? I’m sure the rest of it will protect me from the dirty AIDS and unwanted pregnancies (like black babies).
And remember! Vote Bacon or be a faggot!
Consider this Bacon brought!