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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Saturday November 13, 2004 06:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey Faggots it's your favourite writer in the universe and your neighbour to the north Canadian Bacon!!!! Ya!!! Well, im glad to be back after 2 weeks away but im not actually doin 2 good . You see I was supposed to meet the girl I was talking 2u about but last weekend I couldn’t make it cause I jumped into my favourite chair to watch a spirited episode of the degrassi the next generation and I came down 2 fast and sat on my balls. And since they're kinda humongous I was in hospital for a few days and missed our big date. 2 bad 2 because I was really lookin forward to putting my dink in her.

Anyways, this week I wanted to try something different so I decided to answer some most asked questions from my billions of readers and worshippers! And eventhough that Henry simon guy did this kinda thing already I figured I could 2 since he’s kinda the b-team and im a big star. Anyways, I went to the forum and tried to give the staff there a chance to mend their evil ways and help me out by contributing some questions but only a few did. I even was a  bigger man and extended the olive oil branch of friendship but there was still no takers (or Kanes). I see now the big time jealousy is still a problem, but whatever Freddie, im sure Michael jordan was really super jealoused of by his teammates too and it prolly lead to him getting the aids and dying. Anyways to the lazy staff, I say: don’t think I wont remember you when I own this site one day!!!11

I did get some emails though after I posted my email address in the forum (including a few to enlarge my penis. i think they might be legit) but some didn't sign them proper. Why be so secret like??? its not like you’re a dirty homo or something, so don’t hide, celebrate your love for Canadian Bacon. The disciples never had a problem putting over the jesus in public after all so whets your problem?

Anyways let's move on to the questions and my super duper awesome answers. Ya!!!!!

Bacon Bits:

Canadian Bacon Answers Your FAQs!

What's your beef with Scott Keith?

Beef is a good word cause he's like a big pig. Anyways this is any easy one: He STOLE my life!!! The truth is, I invented the star rating system (I called mine the moon system though. Read my first column) and he gets all the credit! His whole style was copied from ME!!! He even moved to MY province of God’s country Saskatchewan recently just to spite me. I just don’t get why people think hes so great. Maybe its just cause hes good looking and has a special way with the ladies that i never will, who knows. All I do know is I plan on writing a book soon and if he ever decides to write one we’ll all know he’s a big time copycat this I can assure you!

Which talent do you think will be the next fired from WWE?

Why would you fire someone with talent? That’s kinda ridacoculous. Maybe they should fire the people who suck. Anyways since you asked nicely I think the next person to go is prolly brock lesnar. You can hold me to that. I stand by my predictions!

Any great dating advice you could offer?

Yes. Don’t tell them you masturbate alot. For some stupid reason this makes girls upset. No one thinks bad of you if you brush your teeth all the time, so what gives? And lets be honest your dink is a little bit more important than your teeth since it gives you sexual pleasure even those times when you tie an elastic celery band around it for two weeks and yer ejaculate backlogs and fills your stomach as a result. Anyways, one time my mom set me up with the neighbour's niece and we went to tim horton’s for coffee (I ordered the big cookie which was glorious if I recall) and she asked me if I had any hobbies and I said yes, I like to masturbate a lot and she laughed but then I told her how I like to make a game of it where I pretend  my dinks a neck and im strangling it to death and she gets up and leaves!!! What gives?!! Like im the only person to ever do that!

What's your favourite porno?

Truthfully I don’t gets to watch a lot of pornos cause my moms always around and my friend Julius hates it when I masturbate in his living room so usually I don’t watch. But since yous was nice enough to ask I'll answer  I’m kind of old fashion so I like the ones where the girls are having sex with horses.

It's a known fact that many wrestlers are gay. Given that Bacon is a "true insider,"  who are they?

Thanks, I am a “true insider” (I used to know the guy who would sell pot to Champagne Gerry Morrow at the old stampede shows). Anyways if I had to guess id think it was prolly the ones that have sex with the other guys.

What’s your opinion of Randy Orton’s push?

I don’t know, ive never been pushed by randy Orton but I imagine it wouldn’t feel to good though.

I have a question for ya, Why don't you spell check........EVER?

(this question was asked in the forum by the sexual temptress, renee from this site).

Why bother? I know what im tryin to say and lets face it im kinda the important one here. I think renne just wants me to be her live-in boyfriend but like those disgusting newfies say out in Nova Scotia that ship has sailed!

This is not wrestling related, but what is your stance on ethnic cleansing?

I think its prolly a pretty good idea, Hygiene is kinda important and I imagine alot of those immigrants prolly get quite filthy (especially those dirty Kenyans) and would need a good hose down before they get let into the country that I love: Canada!

What’s your take on the Daniel Puder/ Kurt Angle controversy?

I know all about puder because I sell puder statuettes for a living (I’m seriously in the running for the prestigious order of the plodding moose award this year). Puder is very durable not a good as steel but prolly pretty close. So anyone who names himself after this precious metal is ok by me and kurt can just count his lucky moons (not stars Blob Keith) that he didn’t fight someone with the last name iron or he'd prolly be dead or worse.

You always call yourself an Insider, what have you ever done in wrestling?

More than all these other fakers online who pretend to be wrestlers that’s fer sure!!!!. All these writers I read are always sayin  that theyre wrestlers or trainin to become one. Bullcrap. If your really a wrestler why are you writing online and not stinking up the ring like you stink up the Internet with yer big lies and terriblr punctauation and embrrasing speiling. If *I* was a wrestler I'd be all secret and hush hush about it and would never tell you that I actually wrestled for 10 years under the name Rey Mysterio.

Anyways, to answer your question I used to get paid by the booker to hold up signs at the old SWF shows and sometimes id even get called on to wipe the ropes and that actually saved the lives of the Karachi Vice a few times if I recall. That’s COMMITMENT right there. Not anyone can do that. It Takes YEARS to master. (proper dexterity to hold both pledge and a  moist rag simultaneously is an ability that cannot be taught. You either HAVE it or you don't!). Whatever you do, don't try this at home. (except pledge. Your furniture will SPARKLE!).

Do you honestly believe Canada would stand a chance against the U.S. in war?

You know it! We’re tenacious like the noble beaver, nature's most persistent and fearsome annihilator! (Beaver deaths are higher than driving fatalities here!). Don’t believe me? Well one time my cousin Madison and I were throwing rocks at a beaver to see if we could finally break his unbending spirit when eventually it got tired of our pranks and whittled a tree for three weeks which eventually tipped over, fell on Madison, and a stray branch broke his asshole! He couldn’t walk for months, it was hysterical !!! And even now when he has a poop its about the size of a cake plate! And to answer your question this is kinda what we’d do  to the u.s. except *we* would be the beavers, Madison’s stupid ass would be you and our celebrated maple leaf flag would be the tree branch! Ya!!!!!1111

Who’s your favorite online writer?

I was starting to like that Dave Gagnon (even if he does have a sleazy french moustache) but he bad mouthed Superfly Jimmy Snuka and had the gall to call him a murderer. Not likely! If anything the big superfly splash would maybe put you in hospital but not kill you dead. But if he *did* really murder somebody maybe he had a good reason? Maybe his feet were really sore and his girlfriend cracked wise about him needin shoes on the account that he was always bare foot? That’d push me over the edge no doubts. Anyways to answer your kinda gay question (sorry its true) id have to say my favourite is prolly that big time internet legend: CANADIAN BACON!!!!!!! Bestest writer in the universe or the galaxy even!11

What the fuck is Wall Ball?

only the most challenging sport ever!!!!! You think footballs tough or that faggoty ass Soccer? “Look at me im kickin a ball around!!!” Ridiculous. Wall ball is a sport of great endurance and skill and has claimed more lives than polio (whoever he is). You take a foam ball (or tennis ball if you’re an amateur) and you throw it against a wall and if your opponent drops the ball that bounces back he's done like dinner and loses a life! This goes onto til he has nothing left and you are declared the winner and get to fuck his girlfriend (or put your dink in something he owns). But it has its risks. One time I took the pepsi ball in the pool and water logged it bad and when Julius and I were playing wall ball later the soggy ball hit Julius right between the eyes and killed him! I was so worried he’d never recover from that but luckily he was ok.


 
What are your opinions on TNA and ROH?

I don’t know what this tna is but im sure its got something to do with boobs and that excites me in my certain area (I already have my dink out in anticipation). As for ROH I know a bit about that cause ive read the Christopher Freds column a few times before laughing at how bushleague and worthless they were. (Learn to writte a coherrrent sentence!!11). I told a friend about it and he said, "don’t get that, don’t you know a pedophile runs that company?". And I’ll say the same thing I said to him: "What’s the matter with being a pedophile?" If he wants to be a foot doctor its his business (prolly literally) and nobody else's. Its' not the medicular area id go into (I’d prolly be a vaginacologist)  but if hes happy workin with bunyons and other legendary giant lumberjacks that’s all that’s important.

You say “faggot” and “queer” a lot. Are you a homophone?

(Editors note: it's "Homophobe" you fucking moron- SC)

Whats a homophone? Is that what gay people call each other on? Geez its not good enough that they want to get married but now they want their very own personalized phones too?  (i heard the carrier pouch is shaped like a rectum! hahahaha!). Anyways, a lot of people think I don’t like and respect faggots but that’s just not true. Truthfully ive never ever even met one (theres none in Canada). But one thing I do know is this I don’t blame them for wanting to come out of the closet. I imagine those closets are hot and stuffy and I don’t blame them for not wanting to live in there forever or until AIDS kicks in. So just to clear the air, if you’re a dirty homo I don’t hate you.

What do you think of Gene Snitsky and the babykiller gimmick?

It's kinda great and comin from someone who's had more than his own share of accidental infant deaths on his hands I can totally bigtime relate to his cries of it wasn't his fault. ( it actually was, though and I'm now forbidden by the crown to ever take part in day cares and/or babysitting again.). That said, I was surprised to actually find out that doctors don’t give abortions by hitting the mothers with chairs. It sure as heck seems a lot simpler though. It's gotta to be better then fishing through someones murky popo up to your elbow. (and good luck getting your jacket to fit on that coat hanger again! ANARCHY!!1).

How the Hell did you ever get a job writing here?

I sent Dr. Gonzo an email one day after laughing at his column and gave him my bigtime opinions which he said were “unique”. He then let sean read it and sean had no choice but to hire me or else have egg on his face and you know what goes with eggs? Bacon. Which just made for a natural partnership. Besides, he he really had no choice.  It'd be like Wayne Gretzky walking off the street to join your team; youd be a dummy not to bring him on. Its just like that for me except wordiness is my trade and i'm kinda more respected than gretzky.

Do you think John Cena would be a good WWE Champion, and who do you think should give him the rub at wrestlemania?

I don’t care who wants to rub John cena. What a wrestler does on his own time is his own business, even faggotry. But as for the Doctor of Economics John Cena I do think he will be champion. And speaking of economics since I liked cena I recently went back to school and took some courses in basic economics like Cena always says and all we're doing is boring assed math! Whats up with that? When do I get to cut a phat beat? Don' tell me I earned all this Saskatchewan street cred for nothing!

Have you ever thought about becoming a wrestler?

Funny you mention that! And let me be the first person to say: YES! I’m actually planning after the Christmas holidays to take a greyhound to Calgary and head up to the Hart house where I expect Stu himself to personally school me and then helen to make a full supper and treat me as one of the family ( I think i have a serious shot at also putting my full dink inside Diana Hart now that I murdered Davey boy smith and framed his death on heart disease).

Wish me luck!

bacon.jpgAnyways, that’s all the questions I could handle. I really don’t like you people but I guess i'll read your emails anyway cause im a BIG TIME PROFESSIONAL.  Feel free to email me more questions if you like and I’ll get back to them when I want.

Consider this Bacon brought!

-CB

-Special thanks to sean for the Jimmy Snuka murdering his girlfriend pic. I hope your happy Dave Gagnon-CB.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).