The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
|Saturday October 30, 2004 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
Hey there queers this is your favourite all time wrestling writer guy from Saskatchewan (no not that fatboy Blob Keith ), Canadian Bacon!!!! And its time for another edition of the newsiest column since writing was first invented by a man named Clive Writing in the 1500's: Bringing Home The Bacon! - which is no doubt your favorite thing ever besides the cock on the account of your gayness. (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I've actually gotten some bigtime flack from gay people recently, and those that harbour them, for being prejudiced but that just ain't true! I respect a man's right to choose penis because they're pretty awesome and I know 'cause I've had one for most of my life. I just think it's kinda gross to stick them into bums instead of vag's and maybe wall sockets when certain Uncles cut the power in the house to do renos but that's my prerogative. So if you're a filthy homo, know that I respect you and accept and honour your disgusting right to plug shoot. Glad we cleared that up.
First on the bigtime docket this week, I have to report that the contest for the OFFICIAL Pepsi wallball is now done and stuff because only four people entered. Silly people. Wallball is a MAN's sport, not like your faggoty football where you grab a ball from a mans asshole while he’s bent over. Wall ball takes SKILL and it takes balance and it takes: A RARE PEPSI WALLBALL that no one but me will ever have! It's no wonder I came in fourth place out of third in the wall ball championships. I’m that great! Ya!!
Anyways, last week I told yous guys that I found me a girlfriend online and like I said she wants me bad! Cant say I blames her one bit though. She sent me this hot picture and even though her screen name is Rob I think she’s just using her brother's name or something. We plan on meeting next week (and meating!) so I cant wait. I am a little worried though because I have a bit of a baby dick but I figure if the lights are out I’ll just add my thumb to it so she won't suspect anything. Ofcourse I don’t have anything to worry about, cause my mom insisted to me that 2 inches is kinda big for an adult man so I hope she can handle me. HERE COMES THE SEX.
2nd apology: last week I got in bigtime trouble on the forum because I accidently compared black people to grizzly bears. (I said the only difference is one is big, scary, and will kill you without thinking twice if you dare enter its territory - and the other is a bear.). I thought it was a compliment since bears are glorious animals but I guess I was wrong. Im sorry if I hurt anyones feelings about it cause I meant no harm. I don’t hate anyone except for the dirty Eskimos so I assure you im not racist. Believe it or not I’ve actually never met a black person before unless you count the time we were in Toronto and two Jamaicans attacked my friend Julius and stole his pay packet, but I don’t remember 2 much from that day cause I was too busy laughing at Julius who screams like a girl (sorry Julius, its true).
Anyways before we get to the column, I have to read this email:
“Hey sausage boy, your columns stink. Sean should fire your ass just for being so fucking stupid. I’ve never seen worse grammar in my entire life.
Signed: The Guy who’s fucking your Mom.”
How can you say that about my Grammar? shes the sweetest lady in the world. You don’t even know her! I think you need to be more respectful of the dead, mister. Your lucky I don’t tell her what you said.
Anyways, since it’s the American election this Tuesday I decided to write a column about how much better Canadians are then you filthy Americans. (except for the sellouts like Sean carless and that dirty Frenchman dave Gagnon who prolly has a moustache. Why do all Quebecers have moustaches? I can say this to sean and dave cause they wouldn’t dare lose me cause i’m too big a star.).
America likes to think its a all greatest thing but it's so far from the truth its not funny. (at least not Corner Gas funny). I mean why is North America not called North Canada? It's not fair. If I had *my* way, we’d all storm your country tomorrow like the tenacious beaver and make you ALL Canadians after we rename your country US eh. Haha. And don’t think we couldn’t do it either! Like the noble moose we’d come in slow and plodding! Your little pop guns would be no match for our resolve that’s stronger than Hamilton Steel (not Pittsburgh.) We’d distract yous by throwing food stamps in the air and when you fatsos scrambled for them we have you! It’d be that simple! But don’t worry, soon you could trade in those stamps for the food of your new country, God’s country of Canada! There’d be more stacks of pancakes and more Canadian Bacon (renamed Bacon) than you can shake a stick at! - a HOCKEY STICK, which by proxy of your new citizenship you'd inherently learn how to operate instantly. It’ll be glorious! CANADA!
Anyways, today im going to honour your fixed election (I've learned from my sources that the draft dodging rich guy wins) by telling you how much your American hero wrestlers sucked mongoose hammer. I’m calling it:
USA IS NOT OK.
You prolly remember the great manager Frenchy Martin saying this back in the day and he was right. Frenchy was a GREAT Canadian even though I have no idea which part of Canada he was from. He said this because he was bugged by wwf always forcing the American wrestlers on us like Kobe Bryant forces himself on white women. And he just couldn’t take it anymore. Frenchy managed dino bravo who was another great Canadian only he got shot and killed in his house by the mob even though I never understood how that killed him. He went toe to toe with ultimate warrior and survived all those clotheslines but a few hundred bullets stops him? Bullcrap I say. I think Dino Bravo was prolly just selling for those guys. And how unselfish is that? That’s a Canadian for ya! He’ll even put over bloodthirsty gangsters! (They cremated him b4 he could make his big comeback, though.).
Another great Canadian was the Mountie who I was surprised to find out wasn’t really a member of the RCMP which everyone knows is the most FEARED police force in the world even though I don’t imagine those red outfits would be to good for stake-outs but anyways. The Mounties are double tough because they ride horses, which everyone knows is nature's most feared killing machine. And I should know cause one time my cousin Madison got kicked in the grill by a quarter horse, but that was prolly because he stuck his finger in its ass. The mountie always liked to say that he always got his man, but I figured that since he was hunting criminals all the time without the comfort of a lady in those dark woods if he wanted to be gay with the criminals that was up to him.
Anyway, now that you know a little bit about our great wrestling tradition (and don’t you feel a bakers dozen times smarter for it?!!) we’ll get to those American heroes that made me the big time angry:
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: I don’t know why all you portly Americans with your mayonnaise-less hot dogs (ANARCHY!) liked this guy so much. He wasn’t even a good role model because he was obviously a pimp cause why else would he yell “Ho” all the time? And he always kind of grossed me out with his runny nose, too. Of course with all those hos around you'd be kinda leaky, too. Maybe I cant blame him for that. We all have our bad habits ( I like to soak my balls in peroxide).
Anyways, Jim duggan called himself hacksaw which I never understood cause he carried a 2x4 and not a saw. I guess piece of wood jim Duggan wouldn’t sell much t-shirts, but what was the deal with the 2x4? I don’t remember him ever building anything with it. Typical lazy American. Carryin' around wood that you have no idea what to do with. My uncle barry built a house once out of a few lava rocks and some birch bark and it was sweet. And it only took him 1 day. That's good old fashion Canadian craftsmanship right there. (Did you know Noah was Canadian? Neither did he!). It's prolly the beaver in us that makes so good with the wood.
Luckily for everyone, though, Jim duggan finally saw the error of his ways and became a full-fledged Canadian in WCW and I guess he finally gave up pimping because he stopped yelling Ho! (which is very degrading to the bitches).
Sgt. Slaughter: I think just like ultimate warrior there was two sgt. Slaughters. Cause if there was just one why was he so muscular on G.I. joe and so fat in wrestling? It doesn’t make sense. Plus, why has Cobra never came for revenge on Sarge in the WWF? I imagine Serpentor has some serious scores to settle with him, this I can assure you! (Serpentor was actually created using the partial semen of Sgt. Slaughter, legit).
Sarge, like Hacksaw, showed what kind of hero he was by joining iraq in 1991 during the Golf War. Which I never understood why they fought over such a boring game. If it was hockey or lacrosse then maybe. Anyways it wouldn’t surprise me if sarge was the one who really knows where the weapons of mass destruction are buried cause he was tight with sadaam Hussein and even had a special pair of pointy boots sent to him for Wrestlemania seven by the dictator and you know its legit because why man a war against US and Kuwait over a billion dollar oil dispute when you can focus fully on the granddaddy of them all? Exactly. Also I always figured the weapons of mass destruction are a secret breed of flying camel anyway. Hope they find them soon cause I can imagine what kind of damage their poop would do from that height.
Lex Luger: Lex luger became an American hero after he started wearing American flag underwear but I always laughed cause that’s what id do with your flag too: WIPE MY BUM ON IT. Ya, I went there!
Lex wasn’t much of an American hero either cause he murdered the lovely miss Elizabeth prolly with the torture rack. I always believed Sting had something to do with it too because he was Lex’s best friend and he turned Christian pretty fast afterward which was prolly due to the guilt. I never liked Sting that much because he reminded me of a sad clown, and one time at my 6th birthday party a clown touched me in my secret purpose but we had cake and punch right after so it was okay.
Lex Luger got off on murder just like that orange juice simpson guy but was then arrested for steroids and I read all about it on the smoking gun where it had him listed as Larry Pfohl. I think if you were going to arrest him it should be for changing his name to Larry pfohl. Why would you do that when you were born with a great name like Lex Luger? And who were all those steroids for? They couldn’t be for Lex, this I know. You wont see a more natural physique than that anywhere. Except for maybe scott Steiner.
Anyways Lex always bragged that he has 4 percent body fat, but I always wondered where he kept it. I was thinking maybe its in an old ice cream container in his fridge so it wouldn’t spoil. But why would he need to keep 4 % body fat around? What's it for?
The Patriot: I'd go into him but Bret hart killed him dead in 1997 and hid the body in the basement of the nutter center in Ohio. I heard this from a good source (im a big time insider) who told me he heard it from the guy who drove Humongous to the stampede shows in 1986 so it has to be true.
Hulk Hogan: they said hulkster was a Real American but his skin was ORANGE which is pretty close to being RED which is the colours of the COMMUNISTS! Hulk hates the democracy! That Faggot! Your hero is a dirty faggoty pinko! serves yous right!
Anyways, Hogan eventually tried to get the forgiveness by winning the crown of Miss. America, (he changed it to Mr. America after he won) but I imagine the bathing suit competition couldn't be to pretty. The talent portion was prolly kinda awesome though. (how many women can bodyslam real life legit giants?).
Ok, this all I can stomach for this week. I don’t know how you can stand living there. And why does it say this on the statue of liberty: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free...". Why would you even want these people? Who wants tired and poor people? What good are they? Maybe one day when we put up the Celine Dion statue yous will all change your tunes. Ours will say: “Give us big strong people who don’t suck, signed Canada.”
Anyways, Good luck picking a president as long as its not George Bush cause I hate stupid people like him and have no uses for them and their ridacockulousness. But just remember Canada will always welcome you with a hug and a heart felt hello, (allo) even if I won’t. Fags. (respect!)
Consider this bacon brought!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).