|Saturday October 16, 2004 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian BaconHey there, faggots! This is your hero Canadian Bacon finally getting back in the bigtime groove with the very bestest column ever in the history of the universe and even more importantly then that,
Anyways, lots of cool things have gone down in Baconville since I last informed you dummies with my newsiness and wisdom and newsiness. First, I met a girl online! IT'S TRUE! She seems really sweet and is actually legit female this time and she wants bacon’s bod! Maybe even for sex. I'm thinking this is a definite possibility because recently, whilst discussing Anne Murray and hockey puck durability as we all do during conversation in this land I love, she actually suggested cyber sex with yours Bacony-- but unfortunately I had to say no! I know, eh! The truth is, I've never had cyber sex before and was always worried i'd get the electric death when I put my dink inside the computer. Those CD trays weren't meant for genitals, after all - not even for someone with a lean penile like myself. I think I'll just stick to tastefully and secretly masturbating to my neighbour's 15 year old daughter for now until I gather the courage to fully feed Bacon jr. into the USB port and please her as only I can. That's at least a safe prospect.
Also my cousin Madison and I went to the new petting zoo here in Moosewater (three animals and counting!). It just opened up down the road from my garage (apartment), and while we was teasing the lemurs with general confidence-destroying hurtfulness, a mongoose actually came up and bit Madison right on his penis head!!!!!! He was bleeding all over the place including on my open jar of fluffernutter which was almost inedible (almost), thanks to him. He then had to go to hospital because of it, and I teased him all the way that only a marmot would want to put its mouth on his dink. And then he reminded me of the time he tricked me into doing it, and there were awkward feelings and bad memories but then I remembered, what happens in Red Deer, STAYS in Red Deer and I felt better about the prospect of being a pedophilic/incestuous homosexual. (THANK GOD!!!111).
Anyways, moving on, I was sad to hear that Superman, Christopher Reeve died this week on what i heard was a routine patrol of Metropolis. I suspect Lex Luthor had something to do with it, but I’ll leave it at that 'til I get more proof and such. But it kinda hit home for me cause my grandfather used to be in a wheel chair himself and I always thought he had a bad case of the cripples too, but then it turns out he was just very lazy. Oh well. RIP anyways, Christopher Reeve. Even though I doubt the wheel chair went with you since its physical metal and not spiritual energy like you was converted to. And with that said, someone pick up Christopher from that cloud already, he's crippled for god's sake!
And finally I just noticed the brand spankin' new layout on the main frontpage and I have to say it hurts my eyes a little. It's kinda like that time I went blind by looking at a luna eclipse ( named after LUNA VACHON - because both hurt your eyes when you look at them) except lucky for me I could still see. LUCKILY.
Anyways, this week I thought since I already educated yous guys on wrestlers who were the bigtime AWESOME, I'd switch sides and look at a few that get lots of credit even though they never could lace up Nailz boots - or shoes as it were, 'cause boots are heavy and I doubt the prison folks would allow a potential super duper dangerous weapon like that inside their walls!
WRESTLERS WHO KINDA SUCK!
A long time ago, before Bossman died, I was actually gonna put him on this list, but since he used to hit people with his club, I decided to keep him off and instead honour his memory for the (HARD) time being. The truth is, I started liking Bossman about 5 years ago when my fat cousin Madison was protesting something in Squirrel River, and he actually got up and sprayed a cop in the eyes with half a bottle of Calvin Klein's Obsession for men and the cop just WAILED on him with a stick!!!! It really reminded me of Bossman beating on Hulk Hogan, only instead of a 400 pound redneck with a sweaty ill-fitting blue shirt it was an angry Sikh pulverizing a 14 year old morbidly obese child. I was laughing so hard the peppermint Snapple went up my nose and destroyed my senses of smell and taste and they haven’t returned since. But it was worth it!! Hahaha, Madison in a coma was p. hilarious!!!! And that’s why I like bossman.
5. Chris Benoit: Everyone makes a big deal outta this guy like he’s the second coming of the jesus or something. I mean, sure, he pulled a miracle too by carrying A-Train to passable matches, but has he ever turned water to wine? If he had real-life, legit, actual Jesusy super-powers, you'd think he'd heal that snaggle tooth of his like the jesus healed the lame (people who embarrass themselves constantly deserve mercy too, I guess ...) but yet... NOTHING!
Anyways, they say he actually modeled himself after Dynamite Kid, who in turn patterned himself after the guy from "Good Times" - a show about a bunch of funny black people, living in squalor. (POVERTY IS HILARIOUS). It's true, they had a guy on there who said "DYNO MITE!" all the time in a comically humorous black fashion and apparently Dynamite loved it so much that he called himself that as a tribute. (I don't remember too many snap suplexes on Good Times, though.). I guess it makes sense kinda 'cause at least black people are good fighters - and even better shooters which is what Dynamite also was. (He shot and killed Don Muraco at Copps Coliseum in 1986 -- and all without holding his gun the cool sideways way, to boot!).
Benoit then copied Dynamite completely, except the part where he ended up a bitter broken cripple with no money, so I guess there's limits to his adoration. All the way or no way, dickhead.
Anyways, people like to pump up Benoit, the noble Canadian flying squirrel , as this great psychologist -- but come on, who'd pay for his advice? I'd imagine every session would end with a Rolling german anyway and maybe even a snot rocket. No bout of depression or OCD is worth that treatment!
4. The Rock: First of alls, calling yourself the rock is silly. I mean he looks nothing like a rock. Why not Paper instead? Atleast PAPER ALWAYS BEATS ROCK. (He's just lucky Dynamite wasn't involved! its get quite confusing!).
Anyways, everyone complains about how Legend murderer Randy Orton ripped off the Rock as a 3rd generation wrestler, but the Rock isn't original either!!!! A lot of people don't know this, but he actually ripped off his NAME from two other wrestlers: Rocky Johnson and Peter Maivia! It's TRUE! (you're not the only one who can do research ,Sean!!). How is this a new gimmick? Plus all he does is talk about himself in the 3rd person - prolly cause he has multiple personalities and needs Chris Benoit's psychology. Bacon hates people like that. In fact, before the Baconman's grandfather died, he also had multiple personalities. One of them was a former playboy playmate and he'd sometimes flirt with my friends, although he coulda just been a dirty faggot, who knows. That's why the Rock's not the bees knees.
He actually started off as Stunning Steve Austin and was trained by Gentleman Chris Adams who was the only gentleman I know who never wore pants and still maintained cultured respectability. Steve then trained diligently in the circus for his WWF debut as the Ringmaster in 1995 but the lions were actually forbidden I learned 'cause Kevin Nash was the only one allowed at the time to be shown on TV with a glorious regal mane. Steve was then apparently so distraught that he beat his wife with the now useless hoola-hoop rings they'd have dove through gracefully until the office finally gave him a list of weather related names until they thought of Stone Cold -- which eventually segued into a popular Ice Cream parlor chain owned by Mike Tyson, Cold Stone which then had nothing to do with Steve Austin whatsoever.
Anyway, I once dropped the top scoop of said cream on my testicles and now I can't have children so that's why Austin's on the list.
All these fanboys like Scott Keith with his sly smile and sexy cocksure
swagger say this guy is the best wrestler in the history of
the ever just cause they say he can wrestle a broomstick! And who
couldn’t do that? I imagine with the right motivation I could prolly carry
a mop to a pretty spirited encounter but that'd be silly and unrealistic
so I don't. (but i will). Plus he calls himself the "nature boy"
and doesn't ever even have the decency to explain what
that even means. Besides, at about 35 years of age (I have no concept
of time) calling himself a boy is like callin your sister thin (and not
a stupid cunt!). It just ain't true! He has nothing to do with
nature and by my count doesn't even have any sort of green thumb
at all which is weird 'cause someone once told me that he loves big full bushes.
I don't get it. And I know all about nature livin' here in
Oh, my psychologist (not Chris Benoit) told me that Ric Flair may have raped me in 1987 so that's why he's on this list.
Hart: People here like to think he’s a Canadian hero and such and
I’d agree if I didn't recently learn the awful truth that
he's actually from
Anyways, Bret had a bigtime feud with his brother owen who died and I guess you have to give him credit for wrestling a corpse and making it look kinda real even though I'm an expert and could totally tell it was wasn't. And speaking of Owen, I recently found out, being the big time insidery insider that I am, that he really didn’t die by falling off a cliff at the kemper arena like wwf lied & said but instead he actually choked on a chicken bone in Harley Race's backyard during a barbecue!!! It was all a big time cover up and my source told me so! And my source used to bring the Cuban Assassin Gatorade at the old stampede shows so I think he knows what hes talking about.
Anyways , Bret used to call his leg move the sharpshooter which turns out had nothing to do with guns and killing which also angered me because he never *actually* excellently executed anyone despite the name. And here I thought his prowess in eliminating the nation's most undesirable (besides the French Canadians) earned him these kudos and often I'd imagine him delivering a thunderous backbreaker & 2nd rope Elbow drop all whilst sticking the right poison hoses into the right arteries and still filling the death bucket with the lethal hockey puck at once. IT WAS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS AND NOT EVEN POISON SMOKE EITHER.
Besides, if he really was a proper Hitman, Sharpshooter or even Executor I imagine bret would’ve had no problem beating Shawn Michaels at wrestlemania 12. He coulda just sat up in the Uecker seats and picked him off with a rifle then collected a whole pontoon boatload of pinfalls when Shawn gurgled his last breath! It'd have been masterful, but no, instead he uses a leglock and loses! CRAZINESS111
Ok dumbshits im done for this week and aren’t you glad you read this column? It must've felt the same way people felt when they first opened the bible.
I’ll be back soon so don’t go anywhere cause I have a huge announcement to make, and also id like to announce im having a contest. See sean isn’t the only one who can promote. The winner will received a FREE wall ball, and an elusive pepsi one to boot! That stuff is rare and is prolly worth a gazillion times more than any of the worthless things you own so email me and tell me why you love my column and YOU could win the gift that keeps givin. And who knows, maybe if you weren't such a clumsy faggot you could actually use the ball! Think of the possibilities!!!!!!
Consider this bacon brought!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).