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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan (Seriously). Grammar and coherency not applicable. 

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon


Monday, September 27, 2004 12:00AM

Hey there queers, and welcome back to Bringing home the bacon: the best column in the universe or the world even!!!!!

For those of my bigtime fans who were wondering where I was last week, I was out with my uncle barry hunting beavers. You probably would be surprised to find this out,  since I’m the bigtime internet journalist and such, but I’ve actually never ever seen a beaver in my life!! Not ever! And to be honest I was a little scared 'cause beavers are ferocious and remorseless (they’d have to be to beCanada's national animal!!!). In fact my cousin Madison knows a guy whose whole family was savagely murdered by this fearsome mammal and I can imagine it wasn’t  pretty. Those teeth can whittle wood like it was nobodies business (which it isn't) so imagine what it could do to you and your soft  American middles!

But that’s what makes Canada the toughest country in the world!!! There's danger around ever corner and you even have to speak two languages! How many countries can do that? And no, your sleazy Mexican language don’t count! Canada is all about the French and the English living together like peas and carrots as the worlds best bisexual country!

Anyways it was the perfect day for hunting; I had jelly sandwiches in the pouch and everything, and a club in my hand, and man alives I musta bagged me 3 beavers! I sneaked up on them and clubbed them right in the running lights and  they went down like a sack of handballs! It was beautiful!!!  But apparently we found out later that hunting them is illegal or some gayness - and the faggoty ranger even had uncle barry charged, arrested and sodomized by the other Mounties (that's why they're called that.). Imagine that! But this won't stop me! No sir, (or ma'am for the bitches) I’ll be back, so look out beavers and other watery rodents, I know where you live!

Wrestlers Who Don’t Suck!

This week I thought I’d look at wrestlers who don’t suck. But first I have to say thanks fer the memories big bossman, you were kinda like a dad to me eventhough I kinda hated my dad. And isn’t it a coincidence that bossman was a twin tower and they're both goners now? That's a bit of dirty pool if you ask me.  I don’t knows about you guys but if I was the akeem I’d watch out, you'd prolly be next in the terror conspiracy.

R.I.P. Bossman. Although, I'm sure you now have some explainin' to do to Big Show's dead daddy -- IN PERSON!!!111

Anyways here a list of wrestlers who ruled eventhough people thought they sucked - but what do these people know? They’re prolly retarded and one thing I cant stand is a stupid person. Call me prejudiced. (like the niggers usually do).

Nailz: Nailz was a prisoner dude who came into WWF in 1992 after serving time for toiling in the AWA mid-card, to get even with big bossman who beat him with his police stick and such. They called him nailz cause I figured he had bad hygiene and such and prolly never clipped them. And if you think about it, that would prolly give him great edge in prison like a shiv or something! Toe nails can be lethal, just ask my cousin Madison who kicked his brother wade in the mouth and killed him only he survived luckily.

Nailz was awesome in the ring, showing me moves I had never seen before like chokes and then more of them. Hokeydoodles he even beat Virgil at Summer slam and made him look like a jobber! Wow.  Nailz left the wwf not too long after that when he attacked Vince McMahon for realz and claimed Vince tried to sexually insult him - but I was always confused cause after being in prison for all these years wouldn’t he be used to a dink in the bum? Weird.

Anyways, I have this theory that Nailz was the one who actually legit killed bossman last week. After all what better revenge could you get than the death? Doctors say it was a heart attack but what do doctors know? i mean, really. I don’t need no fancydan medicalur training to tell if theres been a murder, but then again im smart as the dickens which sounds a lot like Dick-ins in a dirty game of balderdash, LMAO. Ball-der-dash. ( SEE! IT NEVER ENDS!!!111)

Warlord: Warlord was a big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a mustache that looked kinda like a walrus, which is the tiger of the ocean and a friend to Canada!  Only instead of eating seals warlord chose to hook on the full nelson, prolly the best submission hold ever!!! and in the hands of warlord it was prolly lethal to boot.  Personally im convinced that warlords full nelson destroyed British bulldogs life and eventually caused him to die. It was that cool!

Warlord stook around for a while teaming with barbarian and goin singles with slick as his manager.  He left wwf after the rumble in 92 and was eventually hit by a pizza truck! What a wreck that musta been. I mean pepperonis and pieces of his Plexiglas helmet musta been everywhere! Anyways warlord survived cause he's a warlord (eventually bringing responsible government to the sovereign nation of Parts Unknown in 1991) and if you can survive taking a mighty running powerslam, a speeding truck would be like a stubbed toe or a ball ache at least!

I don’t know what warlord does today but I bet its not ordering pizza! Except maybe Papa johns which is a delicious pie with all the fixins especially if yer a mushroom lover like me! So next time I eat there, i'll think about warlord only ill leave out the part where he gets run over.

Buff Bagwell: Buff was the stuff eventhough he never told us what kind of stuff that was. I hope he wasn’t talking about poop.

There was a rumor going around that buff had implants  put in his calves but I always wondered why he’d want to have breasts on his legs? Although they'd prolly jiggle real sexy-like when he ran so maybe that was it. BOUNCE GLORIOUS LEG TITTIES, BOUNCE!!111 

Anyways I thought about having surgery once myself - cause you see I was born with enormous testicles and by comparison it makes me look like a bit of a baby dick, but its all good because when the special lady comes around (and eventually exists) I'll just tuck them in my ass. I think I'll hold off for now, though. Even if I always piss on my balls.

Anyways, Buff was a great wrestler voted thrice wrestler of the year by a parallel universe Dave Meltzer.  In fact, he was so good that wwf actually fired him once cause they were all jealous of his 5 moon match with Booker T  cause no one could follow it or even had the urge to even wrestle ever again after watching it.  That's how good it was. 

Bagwell actually had most of his success in the wcw where he won the tag team titles with everyone but God - eventhough they'd be an awesome tag team! Imagine the workrate! DELICIOUS AND SACRILEGIOUS. I CAN SEE IT NOW. WITH HEALED-EYES. THANKs, JESUS!!!

 That said, lots of people called Buff a mamas boy cause he’d travel with his mom, but I don’t think that’s fair. Just because you spend ALL your time with your mother does not make you a mamas boy or even a dirty faggot. (Can't say the same for the Magic Mumford hat, though.). It just makes you a guy who forgoes normal relationships for an unnaturally close relationship with the woman who bore him.  My theory is that Judy was just there so Buff could get some sleep and not be disturbed by the ladies who wanted to show Buff their muff. My mom does the same thing for me, eventhough its a little harder now that I live out in the garage. (she does knock sternly on the wall on occasion, though).

Brutus Beefcake: Brutus was a wwf legend and prolly woulda been the big champ had someone not squashed his face. That set brutus back a bit - but I still think it took kinda too long to heal. My friend Julius got his face stepped on by a caribou once and he was back in school one week later, just in time fer hot lunch which was delicious if I recall. I think it was grilled-cheese.

Brutus became an official barber in 1987 and was struttin and cutting soon after. I always wanted my barber to be brutus instead of the old man who cut my hair and molested me, and I was surprised to find out that other barbers didn’t wear pants with the bum-hole cut out like brutus even though I told them business would prolly increase. (You can discreetly masturbate under the plastic sheet to it, EASY.).

Brutus was the master of the sleeper hold which I heard was actually invented by a man named Wilbur Sleeper in the 1920s. (BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW THAT!!!!). Brutus came back in 1993 to form the Mega maniacs with Hulk Hogan, and eventually to WCW where he was the Butcher. Wow, that is impressive to switch from hair to meat just like that! From there, he was the man with no name which angered me some. “Ya, you have a name, and its Brutus!!!!” I yelled at the Tv more times than I care to remember. Then he was the Zodiac which was kinda awesome I have to admit. Then he switched to the booty man which made those ass-tights a little more unfortunate and awkward because of the gay implications (IN WRESTLING. The manliest of sports where there's NO ROOM for the gayness.). And finally he was the Disciple but I didn’t think the name fit very well - I mean they didn’t even have leather in Jesus time! ANARCHY!!!11 -  Although, that sleeper'd have came in handy when the Romans came for the J-man!

Anyways this year Brutus got arrested for having cocaine in his bag that people thought was anthrax. I always liked the band Anthrax myself and never understood why people would be terrified by a CD. Silly people. But hey, at least Brutus is still alive. After that, my cousin Madison insisted he'd prolly kill himself. He didn't luckily, and I thank god every day that he didn't commit barbicide.

Mr. Hughes: Most black dudes who wear sunglasses all the time are blind and play pianos with god's gift but not Mr. Hughes unless he did a real great job of hiding it! Mr. Hughes actually started out as Lex luger's bodyguard in 1990 then he went to the wwf where he stole undertaker's urn then got fired for cocaine which prolly explains the sunglasses. Perfect way to cover up those coked out eyes fer sure!

Mr. Hughes then came back to wwf in 1999 all sober and such and acted as Chris Jericho's bodyguard - but instead of wearing a shirt and tie he wore some goshdamned faggoty glitter shirt like he was security for Elton john or something if he was actually gay. It wasn’t the Mr. Hughes I remembered and I couldn’t have been the only one thinking he should get back on the spank pronto and bring back the REAL mr. Hughes!!!

Anyways  he was fired again soon after, prolly for dressing like a queer  which is illegal in Canada. (you can get married here but a mauve shirt is a death penalty offense). Whatever the reason, it wasn’t his wrestling cause that shit was mint. Sometimes I miss watching Mr. Hughes bacon.jpgwrestle but not really.

Well that’s it for this week. You can tell the lessers who write here that I’m back and to accept it. And maybe show some support for once instead of stabbing me in the back with their hurtfulness. (This musta been what it was like for Jesus when the judas betrayed him for commemorative silver plates from the Franklin mint. Sad.).

-CB

-Special thanks to Sean for the Warlord pic. But I don't think Warlord would appreciate it!!!-CB.
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).