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Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

 
The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
The Wrestling Fan (Seriously). Grammar & coherency not included.

Sunday, September 12, 2004 12:00AM

Hello loyal readers and welcome to my column that’s like breakfast it’s the most important meal of the day except it's not food it's writing but you get the idea!!! It's great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I recently got a email from Sean and he told me I should be more respectful of the terrible writers here and respect their mediocre crafts and their questionable sexualities and/or hygeines. As if. If anything they need to realize their place in the bigtime pecking order. I'm the new number one guy here (and on the whole of the internets worldwide. Deal with it) and people need to just accept that. But I did finally read there columns and I cant say im too impressed and prolly hate them even more now for stealing my precious time that coulda been used to undertake (and overtake because i'm an optimist) great Canadian past times like hockey and wrangling trace amounts of maple syrup risidual from the plastic bottle before responsibly recycling it for the environment. (there's no garbage or gays here. (Same difference?).

DieselDiesel: Greatest WWF Champion EVER!!!!!!!

Anyway, this week the universe's new top writer looks at another of my all time favourites and prolly the greatest WWF champion of all time: DIESEL!!!!!! That’s right big daddy cool! The guy WWF once said powered the ENTIRE WWF on DIESEL FUEL. Which I'd imagine would be awkward for Vince & Kevin Dunn always havin' to lug giant cannisters of gas around Titan Tower to keep her runnin!

Now before we look at diesel and his legacy of awesomeness I have to say the reason I write about older stuff is because im a true insider of wrestling. I don’t like sports entertainment. When I watch wrestling I don’t ever want to be entertained. So vince can keep his sports entertainment and guys like eddie guerrero and chris benoit and I’ll remember the real wrestling when they had real stars like Nailz, Mr. Hughes and the mantaur! You know back before it was fake and guys in full body fur suits and perma-sunglasses fought to the death like MEN.

Ok now onto diesel!

Today you queers know Diesel as Kevin Nash which is obviously a stage name. He was actually born Vincent Vegas in 1957 inDetroit. From there he grew up and got the  hurtful nickname of praying mantis from people in his school and I never understood why although maybe it was cause he tried to eat some of the other kids there or devour his mate after impregnation  (after all, he was seven feet tall and prolly had him a whopper of an appetite. SEXUALLY and for SUSTENANCE!).

He played basketball and also became a bouncer which was hilarious if you think about cause he also bounces basketballs!!!!!! Hahahaha. He eventually was discovered by Dusty Rhodes in a bar and asked if he wanted to become a big time wrestler and thankfully he said yes! I mean, if Dusty could get quality trim like SAPPHIRE, the sky was the limit for Diesel. (LEGIT. He was powered by fuel so I imagine launching a rocket would be as easy as a truck!).

He was called Oz at first and came to the ring with monkeys and such. It was a really cool gimmick and kinda reminded me of the movie Wizard of Oz a little bit or maybe it was labrynth I don’t remember.

Strangely wcw made him change his gimmick even though he was so over. He now began wrestling under his real name of vinnie vegas and I remember him beating Tommy rich! with ease I mean, tommy rich! That was a huge win cause in 1992 there wasn’t to many guys who could beat tommy cause he was at the top of his game. From there vinnie cut through everyone beating guys like joey maggs like they were jobbers! I was impressed and turned to my pop and said this fella is gonna be the big champ one day! And I was right! Never bet against bacon or you’ll go bust and prolly be a faggot too!

Vinnie would keep winning and in 1993 he formed a pretty cool team with a wrestler called big sky even though I thought they were really calling him "Big guy”, and I would yell out "who you kiddin? Vinnie’s at least 3 full inches bigger! Get a tape measure if you don’t believe me!" It was great times to be a fan as Vegas and Sky (not guy) were the top team in wcw followed by the Hollywood blonds who were ok, I guess.

Then it happened! Vegas left wcw and went to the wwf where they called him diesel which I think is german or something. Anyways they made him Shawn Michaels bodyguard and gave him a new look. Big D was quite the site in his new threads that included a rhinestone coat and acid wash jeans and I don’t think I need to tell you how badass acid wash jeans are! But one thing I always wondered was how the acid on the pants never burnt up your legs and such when you wore them. I was never brave enough to wear them back then cause I was afraid of being burned but I have no problem now cause I’m pretty much invincible.

Diesel guarded Hbk and helped him keep the intercontinental belt on more then a few occasions. Soon wwf let diesel wrestle and he was just so awesome. His first finisher was a big punch in the mush which was prolly the wwfs most feared finisher and took a lot of athletic ability to time properly.

 After that they let him use the jackknife which was kinda appropriate cause jackknifes are sharp and I know from experience cause my uncle Barry sat on his once and it punctured his asshole. Funny story is when diesel first used the jackknife I was taking a leak in my laundry tub and I heard vince mcmahon say “diesel with a jackknife!” and I ran back, dink in hand, to see what happened, all excited, figuring diesel has stabbed someone but no it was just a powerbomb. Kinda disappointing actually. I mean, why not stab them? A knife in the boiler would prolly keep a guy down a lot longer than a regular old powerbomb. In fact diesel would prolly still be the wwf champion today if he just stabbed more people! (IN YOUR JAILHOUSE. BEWARE OF SODOMY. LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW! HAHAHAHA.).

Diesel was then in the royal rumble in 1994 and the crowd got behind him huge especially after he dumped out Virgil - and we all knew we had a star after that cause virgil was a top guy.

Diesel would win the intercontinental title from razor Ramon and a little bit later he’d go for the wwf championship after Bob backlund beat bret hart with a chickenwing which I always thought was a really silly name. Who’d be afraid of food unless it was link sausages forged into nunchackas? You might as well call your finisher the pork chop or leg of mutton or something. Actually leg of mutton would be kinda cool I take it back. I always figured Bob called it the chickenwing to lull his black opponents into a false sense of security then quickly tap them when they instinctually went for the delicious soul food. Guess not.

Diesel then beat bob backlund in about 8 seconds (a regulation rodeo ride) with the jackknife (woulda been quicker if he stabbed him) and became the champion! Yes! Finally the wwf had a credible champion not seen since the turn of the century with the Russian Lion, George Steinbrenner.

Diesel would hold the belt for a year which makes him the best champion ever in my book (which is all thick, wordy and sexy). Some people complained about him being champ so long, but I always say, the booker at the time seemed to really believe in him so obviously you're wrong! And I think if you looked at the books you’d see that Diesel made the wwf a lot of money. I mean just on black gloves alone they must of netted billions. Or maybe 500 million 'cause there was just one of them.

Diesel was born to be a champion was my favorite WWF champion ever cause his hair reminded me of  the noble lion which is nature's most ferocious beast! Except for the moose of course but that goes without saying. After all the lion's too pussy to live in the cold. Anyways diesel had so many 4 moon matches I lost count ( I stopped at 1). He took on all comers, from brawlers like owen hart all the way to the scientific masters like Sid and Tatanka and kept winning and winning! But soon he met his toughest challenge: MABEL. Mabel was a complete technician in the ring which was prolly only rivaled by his great endurance. Diesel was used to quick matches and as we all know mabel was no stranger to going an hour if that was what it took so I really thought this was it for diesel and they’d finally have them the first darkie champion ever in Mabel. But it was not to be! Diesel pulled through and overcame this awesome challenge by going hold for hold with the master! Wow! What a match! If there was ever a time to give a 6 moon match this would be it!!!! All the sweating and breathless panting just proved it was  in fact the real deal!

Anyways, diesel was on fire and the wwf was on top of the world but then they made diesel lose the belt! NOOOOO! And to Bret hart who was pretty good but was still no diesel. At survivor series Diesel lost the belt but I actually blame it on stress cause his best friend shawn Michaels had just been killed by about 300 sailors outside a bar in Schenectady or some such god awful place. Thankfully Shawn did survive though.

The next night diesel said from now on we’d see the real diesel and I was confused cause I always though there was just one. Maybe it was like the ultimate warrior where the original died, who knows? Still though, the real diesel did look remarkably like the 2nd diesel and id be hardpressed to tell em apart.

Diesel would leave wwf for wcw where he and Razor Ramon formed the outsiders. I never understood why they’d still be outsiders after spending 5 years in wcw. Its sad that the locker room wouldn’t accept them like that. Anyway diesel was no more and WCW started calling him Kevin Nash which never had any oomph to it. If your gonna make up a fake name why go with Kevin nash? If you couldn’t call him diesel then why not something really cool like the truck man! Or Train boy? There was so many possibilities but none used. RIDICACOCKULOUS. Anyway, diesel would win the WCW belt a few times as this “Nash” character but pulled off his grestest trick when he wrestled in both WCW and WWF at the same time in 1996! I always thought he must have a military style X-Men jet or something to get from Raw to Nitro so fast in the same night! You rule diesel with your bending of physics and time and tastefully tailored pleather pants!

Anyways, Diesel came back to wwf in 2002 but was still Nash which pissed me off. Why not bring back Diesel or at least Vinnie Vegas - something that’s actually over. But nash? come on. He came in with Hall and Hulk Hogan to bring the New World order to the WWF but I asked whats so new about them? I guess older world order wouldn’t sell tshirts but I don’t know why. Anyway it sucked and diesel got hurt when he tore his quad which was lucky cause if he tore his trio he’d prolly be dead or worse, in the hospital. Diesel was really hurt but managed to courageously finish the match, on the mat in the corner. He looked like he was crying but to insiders like me it was obvious that he was just giving instructions to lesser wrestlers like Booker T and chris benoit on how to properly finish the match with dignity and poise. Diesel was then carried out and im not ashamed to say I also cried alongside him that night but I pulled myself together enough to go out for supper and never think of it again. (it was Crackerbarrel and I recall it was DELICIOUS.).

Anyways Nash came back yet again (WHAT ABOUT DIESEL!!!!!!) and took HHH to the limit lots of times in matches that stole the show every night when you discount the other ones until nash got his haircut and left WWf altogether to pursue his dream of being killed in the punisher. Hats off to you diesel! Come back soon but make sure its as diesel this time.

bacon.jpgWell thats it for this week. I hope you faggots actually learned something this week about history instead of just buying your John Cena merchandise and shaking your gay glow sticks. I live to inform losers so come back next week and I’ll do it again. You can leave me an email below and ill get back to you when I want.

Consider this bacon brought!!!!!

-CB

-Special thanks to sean for the Diesel pic. Eventhough I don't understand what Diesel and poop have in common, though.-CB.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).