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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.


Saturday, September 4, 2004 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon 

 
Welcome to your favorite column from your favourite guy fromSaskatchewan (and not Scott Keith who moved here to spite me! stop Stealing my life you bloated faggot!!!!!!!!!!!) . This is bringing home the bacon, the top column on this site (nay the world!!!) and the one that makes you "think" instead of doing whatever stupid non-thinky thing you normally do.

This week I’ll answer some emails from my bigtime fans and look at a passed over superstar who shoulda been champ/white. Enjoy or be a fag.

Virgil: Uncrowned Champion.

I been watching smackdown lately and was reminded of one of my all time favourite wrestlers while watching Orlando Jordan that’s right Virgil! As I watched JBl and Orlando together I was really reminded of ted dibiase and virgil even though bradshaws clearly a much better wrestler than ted especially since hes a big old hoss and there better.

Now, I don’t know why Orlando Jordan would purposely steal virgils gimmick especially when hes got a great built in one himself: A KILLER!!!!! YES!!!111  Orlando Jordan should call himself OJ you know like the former killer/ football player/ star of naked gun! (which i heard Orlando loves). I think it’d be a awesome gimmick! He could even begin stalking the white bitches! Maybe not kill them all the time cause I doubt Vince would allow it again, but you know what they say anything can happen in the wwf even murder maybe!

Virgil may not have been a murderer like Orlando jordan but he was a really good wrestler! He was with wwf for alot of years and lit up rings with such good matches I actually thought about inventing a six moon match! Now that’s talent!

Virgil started in wwf in 1987 as the million dollar man’s bodyguard and manservant  which I never understood. How could virgil be protecting Ted and cleaning his summer home in the Netherland Antilles at the same time? That virgil musta had lightning reflexes! It’d take a lot of training to vacuum and put on a million dollar dream at the same time this I can assure you! (i've only done it once myself, and police told me never again, prolly cause the person died, but it was worth it if only for the bragging rights/immaculate carpet.).

Apparently vince named virgil after dusty Rhodes which never made any sense to me. Maybe I thought virgil was Dusty’s middle name and it was all inside and such, but no, someone told me that virgil was actually Dustys real first name. Callin himself dusty was prolly for the best though, cause I don’t know how well his boy dustin rhodes woulda got over as Gold Virgil even though it is a pretty cool name.

One thing I always wondered  was why Ted didn’t let Virgil wear a shirt? For the whole time they were together virgil never wore a shirt with his suit jacket. I mean didn’t virgil get cold? I know I would cause I’m from Saskatchewan and its cold as the dickens here! (Winters were invented in Canada).  But virgil still wasn’t allowed to wear a shirt but a bow tie was ok though? And who’d want a butler cleaning up with no shirt on? cant be 2 hygienic I think.and now that I think about it if ted dibiase was so rich and such why did he have to wear a suit made out of cellophane? My uncle barry has some money and he don’t wear no tear away suits so what gives? Although I always thought that maybe this was the way eccentric millionaires/possible homosexuals dress. I wonder if Donald trumps suit tears away to also reveal money underwear/public hair combovers?

 I always found it sad the virgil didn’t have a last name, prolly cause since he's black he didn't ever know his father and just never knew  what it was (sad). But then again, it worked for Madonna and she isn’t nearly the star virgil was and a whore so I think its ok.

Eventually, after years of loyal service Virgil broke away from Ted after roddy piper told him to be a man which surprised me to learn that virgil thought he was an animal apparently; prolly a panther cause there black also and very quick and sudden just like virgil!. Anyway virgil and Ted  battled over the million dollar belt which was very prestigious even though I always wondered why they called it the million dollar belt.  Oh well. Some mysteries may never be solved.

anyways, Virgil won the gold belt at summer slam 91 and now didn’t have to work as a butler anymore cause he had a belt with diamonds and steel. True story. It was a huge moment for virgil who finally made it and could wear shirts finally even if he still didn't.. All I know is if I won a belt as prestigious as the million dollar belt I’d keep it as a trophy and never wear it! I’d probably even have it bronzed and keep it on my shelf. Course thats just me!

Virgil defended the belt like a true champion before ted stole it back with the help of Repo man which was a really mean thing to do. Why did Repo need to repossess it? Maybe he thought Virgil stopped paying his installments on it? I doubt that very much cause virgil was trustworthy like an honest Injun and I doubt he’d ever write a bad check/ have sex with white women - you know things that sour us on black ppl.

This was  just terrible for virgil who worked so hard, and it prolly forced him to have to take a second job to help feed all his illegitimate brothers and sisters who really depended on those gold and diamonds to keep up there lifestyles of dressing/looking ridiculous. but thats just what kind of man virgil was. he'd give you the shirt off his back - if he ever actually wore one. 

The sad thing is that the million dollar belt disappeared after that and I always figured that vince had money problems and sold it to help the company until the belt came back suddenly in  -even though this one was prolly all fake. So if anyone has the real million dollar belt out theres, I’ll give you 500 canadian for it. I feel this is more than fair.

Anyways, Virgil kept fighting and started quite the winning streak in the wwf when he beat Dale Wolfe everytime they wrestled. Virgil would also continue to work on his boxing skills and even did the Muhammad Ali shuffle even better than Ali can; course Ali has the shaky  parkinsons but virgils was still great!

To go with his real good boxing skills he soon wore pin stripe pants which would prolly hypnotize his opponents and leave them open for virgils unstoppable attack of punches and that's it. I used to love watching his matches even though his pants hurt my eyes and I’d often fall off the sofa alot and one time even broke my asshole on a mockup of the statue of liberty i made out of fucilli and macaroni and that's why i don't have any use for america anymore.

Eventually after years of hard work virgil finally got his one and only title shot against bret hart and I don’t think I have to tell you the wrong guy went over that day. Virgil shoulda been  the champion afterall! He was a sympathetic character and I mean who wouldnt pull for a black man who gets pummeled by white guys every week besides police and most of the southern states? And if he had won like a should have he’d a been the first black champion in wwf history not Rock whose actually halfsamoan (which half, though?) and not even full black! I mean no one thought haku was a black man even though he did have a afro so why is rock called first black champion? Virgil was all black except his eyes which had some white in them or else how could he see? My shop teacher said black cant be transparent and I believe him cause its really hard and takes years of schooling to become a shop teacher. (he raped me.).

Virgil was so sad by this unfair loss that he lost his smile which was glorious for the record and started a Goldberg streak only if Goldberg had sucked and lost every match instead of winning them. Virgil then left the wwf not to long after that to start with wcw who I felt would know how to handle Virgil and his talent and award winning black guy penis that lots say is the reason he got hired - even though to my knowledge it didn't help his wrestling and prolly even weighed him down making it easier to pin him.

When Virgil started w/ wcw they immediately changed his name to Vincent which I always thought was silly when virgil just rolled off the tongue so much easier, only not literally cause im no faggot.  Eventually he also started calling himself Mike jones but that was obviously a made up name anyone could tell that.

Anyways, rather than putting him in a money program (which i heard they thought he'd steal because he's black) with Hulk Hogan they strangely put him in the lower card instead which was a big fat insult for a former million dollar champion! I mean he beat bastion booger CLEAn on tv and they want him to job to losers like the Steiners and Sting? Stupid stupid, stupid STUPID!!!!!

Vincent was a top member of the N.W.O.  and even tried to be the leader in 1998 and he shoulda been cause it was called NWO BLACK and white with the black coming first and virgil was clearly black so why not make him leader?

Eventually Vincent was called curly bill which was also stupid cause he was as bald as the day is long in moosejaw. (About 14 hours). Maybe they were talking bout his pubes? I hope not though. They paired him with mr. perfect, barry & his brother kendoll windham (who looked nothing like barbie's boyfriend) and the late bobby duncum junior which I never understood callin someone late when they were dead cause its not like they are ever showing up. Maybe call them the never gonna ever arrive Bobby Duncum  instead? Anyway, virgil was the one black guy with a bunch of rednecks which always surprised me cause I always thought they hated black people kind of like we do up here with those dirty eskimos. Of course mr. perfect was perfect so prejudice prolly wasn’t in his vocabulary and he loved everyone even the blacks which is nice.

Anyway Virgil never got his due there either which sucked balls cause he was way more talented in the ring than half those flying Mexicans they had. Maybe if WWf hadn’t trademarked his striped pants he’d a won the title but no. stupid selfish wwf, what are you gonna do with those pants? That’s just petty if you ask me.

The story ends for virgil here in Saskatchewan actually. I saw him last year signing autographs at the mall and I went up to him and said, 'hey champ,' and he smiled back and there was a moment. Virgil then asked me for 20 dollars for the picture and a bus ticket home and I said I had to go back and get the money but I just never came back cause I was actually saving for a new copy of doom. Sometimes I regret it though but not really.

Time for the mailbag!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This column can’t be serious. Your joking right? Giant Gonzalez? The guy fucking sucked. Please tell me this was a joke. – Brad White.”

Of course its serious! Im always  super duper serious- - and careful; you have to be cause theres a lot of wild mooses wandering around here (Meese?) and I cant afford to be silly or distracted for a canadian second or I might get kicked, horned or just plain insulted, just like my cousin Madison who nearly died from a ravenous Moose and his wit only he survived.

And just so people stop emailing about it, Giant Gonzalez RULED! They wouldn't have put all the tens of millions of dollars into his life-like apparel if he didn't!

"Hey Retard. This is the worst column I’ve ever read. –not signed " (pussy!)

I’m leaning more toward it RULING!!!!!!!! YA!!!! Your just all jealous cause I have a column and you have nothing but the AIDS prolly on the account of your stereotypically gay lifestyle of little consequence but whose got consequences now AIDS boy? (I hope you have AIDS so this makes sense.). Besides, I can finally understand the Bacon-hate goin' on here. Bigtime Geniouses are always jealous of!!! im sure Einstein had people who hated him too but that was prolly cause that hairdo was years ahead of the cultural trend and misunderstood and he created a science that killed billions of ppl but he was ok in the end until he died.

"This has to be a joke. Please tell me this is a joke. Sean would never hire someone this stupid. Come on Sean, tell me you’re really behind this! Please! I won’t tell anyone.- Jay Dupuis"

Sean  prolly wishes he was me. All he can do is make pictures and say "cock" alot and that's just plain filthy use of the penis moniker. As a matter of fact there's 2 much potty mouths around here!!! potty's filled with curse words instead of poop! Maybe when I own the site ill clean up the trash, Canadian-style. (we actually haven't had garbage here since, well, Brian Mulroney! YA. I WENT THERE!).

I write stuff about actual wrestling I don’t make little jokes like Sean, that Henry Simon guy or even my mentor Dr. Gonzo who gave me my start but I think is secretly afraid that I passed him on the site (which I kinda have). He keeps emailing me telling me to tone it down but I cant. Im a truth teller and truth tellers just hunker down and tell truths and that's what I do except when I lie.bacon.jpg

I got lots more but I don’t feel like posting them right now cause there kinda gay. But feel free to email me your thoughts so I can tell you you're wrong and have a good larf at yer expense!!!!111

Consider this Bacon Brought!

-CB.

-Special thanks to sean for the Virgil pic. If only it was real. if only. -CB.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).