Hey
there, Baconfans, it is I, your favourite writer in the
ever and the man thrice voted "Bestest
Insidey Insider I’ve never
read in my life," by the Dave Meltzer himself, Me,
Canadian Bacon - Or as I’m known by my Christian name,
Jesus. It’s true!!!11
Anyways, I knows its been like years
or months even since I last had the bigtime
opportunity to be awesome with you, and as such
some of yous may not even be familiar with my
extensive expertise in Writery dealing with glorious
oiled musclemen. So, I’ll give you the quick 411 (911's
younger brother, who just hurt ppl's feelings back in
the ECW arena in 1994 while big bro did all the heavy
lifting): I’m the
best. When the dave Meltzer or Bryan
Alvaroni needs bigtime info and such they ring up the
Baconman, and get the real scoops on the stars because I gots news for you all: if I was anymore inside, I’d be playing Babaloo on
Vince McMahon’s lower intestines!!!!111 It’s
true! (and he's always exposing his
immaculate corn-chute to anyone/everyone so it'd be
as easy as 123 Kid (He's a whore and will put out for
ANY money/pot/coke/chicks w/ dicks)).
In fact, you know that
infamous entry on the wikipedia about Chris Benoit murdering his family and
wife and child even, that was posted a full day before anyone knew about the murders? And how everyone
was like, “How could anyone have known that before it
was ever released?" And how people were like, “Someone
with that much information just HAD to be on the scene?”
Well, I was one of these people
asking this. So, don’t doubt my infinite credentials on all things wrestling!111
(I once knew a guy who sold Killer Khan a bite-sized Baby Ruth
chocolate bar at an Airport chip-stand in 1987, one week before the
1st Survivor Series, so I AM THE REAL DEAL.).
Anyways, before we get to the
newsiness and I give you an early Xmas gift —THE GIFT OF THE KNOWLEDGE— ( a holiday named in
honor of the man who coined it, William Christmas in 1944), let us first
discuss its preceding American holiday, FAKE THANKSGIVING!!!!111
That’s right, anybody who’s
anybody, who’s me, knows that the *real* Thanksgiving happens in October in
God’s country of Canada - the northern most point of importance in the
universe and the closest geographical proximity to heaven; and as such, it’s
just a stones throw to give him his proper thanks. It’s true. So, ya, I hope you
all enjoyed your fake thanksgiving and thought back to the *first* one when the
pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rocky Maivia and then killed all the Indians
with complicated elbow drops and spinebusters. Just think, if the Indians
weren’t such pussies, we’d all be speaking Indian today instead of
Canadian and living in Tents in our underwear. So, thanks Americans for
your genocide. It was a nice gesture! And see you all tomorrow on Black
Friday - of course named in honour of all the black people throwing Jimmy
elbows at the stores trying to get to the discounted pork rinds and basketballs.
It’s just sad. And Hilarious!!!
Onto the
Réport!!!1111
BACON
RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE
WHO WANTS TO KNOW STUFF
(11/28/08)
Once upon a time, Jim Ross
used to have a bigtime awesome feature called the "Ross Report" where he
tackled the biggest issues of the sport with the ferocity in which he ate
unhealthy things and good friend Jerry lawler had sex with girls he was too
afraid to ask their real ages of. Issues like spicy hickory Barbecue sauce, what
appliances best resemble the varying limbs of the Big Show, and what fruit could
prolly fit inside his rings, and of course how you should build up your
upperbody to really get into the hunt! You know, the truly important things!!!
Unfortunately though, soon
after, Mother Nature reeked bigtime chaos on his rectum (my god, it was nearly
broken in half - even more so) and he had to step down/squat down to
get his colon taken care of (As I've said before, he now has a semi-colon).
THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!!11
You see, I picked up the slack where he left off ( mistaking Chris Jericho 4
Chris benoit) and did what ANY really super
important Internet legend would do in that situation: I filled his quota of
BIGTIME INFORMATION : Delivering wrestling
newsery with the intensity of someone like totally intense. It was that awesome.
So here we are! Me back doing what I do best (besides tucking my balls
and junk inside my asshole and tricking people into thinking I'm a
sexy lady!): NEWSINESS AS
ONLY I CAN PROVIDE!!!!! Here we go!!!!11
-Brock Lesnar is the new
Ultimate Fighting Championship Fighting heavyweight Champion of the Universe!
Brock won this honour by beating Randy Couture who I understand when he’s
not fighting is producing some of the best runway high fashion! It’s true!
Anyways, I was all up in Las Vegas as the kids are not saying these days, and
saw it all LIVE! Of course, if I wasn't live I’d be dead and
that’d make it really hard! (Although I could still watch it Heaven ‘cause God
still allows MMA up there, just not WWE! Stupid Backlash 2006!!!!11).
Anyways, as I was
saying, I was there and saw it live, then watched it on PPV also
simultaneously, because I defy logic and time, and I’ll tell you there was
actually some bigtime discrepancies or differences even! Like, the part
where Brock yelled out, “Here comes the Pain!”
then said, “Psyche!” and just wrapped his legs
around Randy and rode him like a horse, smacking his bum the whole
time! They also cut out the part where he went to the top of the Octagon
for a Shooting Star Press and yelled out, “Hopefully it works this time!” And guess what? IT
DID!!!1111 Then he just punched him in the head and killed him and they gave him
the belt, and Sable turned to embers under the hot lights, exposing her to
*really* be disgraced former wrestler/husband/visual faggot, Marc Mero!. It
happened just like that. Except for the lies.
Speaking of the Ultimate
Fighting World (An actual planet found just south of Planet Stasiak ) WWE
released a statement on their bigtime website where they bashed the UFC shows
for their lack of guaranteed entertainment like WWE’s. Just when and where they
these alleged WWE shows would be available and such remains to be seen!!111
(I'll keep u posted! it has to happen eventually!).
Anyways, Dana White has
apparently really taken this to heart, and next month at UFC 92, (its hard to
believe it's almost been a hundred years since the first one), the card
will feature a *first ever* ULTIMATE PIZZA EATING CONTEST
between Frank Mir and Nogueira where Nog will ingest too much 'za and
puke on Mir and hilarity will ensue! Then Joe Rogen will come out in a THONG and
dance, and BJ Penn will dump liquid shit on Dana White from the stage and be all
like, “I’ve got two words for you: Fellatio!” And
then a shit-covered Dana will say “that’s actually just
one word,” and everyone will laugh and laugh and four people will buy UFC
93. ULTIMATE
ENTERTAINMENT!!!1111
-Ted DiBiase jr is currently
filming the film Marine 2: MARINIER. That’s right, Randy
Orton’s kick to the skull led to the bright lights of Hollywood! Who’d have
thunk it/thought a robot could act? And to think every time I get kicked in
the skull I just get brain damage and involuntarily shit myself before dying! He
truly is special! And alive. (his charisma didn't make it,
though.).
Anyways, the big rumour I’ve
heard is that he can thank his Dad, Ted Dibiase Jr. Senior, for getting him the
part! His dad was all up in that Producer’s office yelling, “everyone has a price for the Million Dollar man!” and
then the producers were all like, “You do know that a
million dollars isn’t that much money anymore?!” And then Ted was like, “I don’t believe that!” Then he accidentally
tore off his 30 dollar cellophane money suit on the corner of the desk and it
was awkward for everybody. But guess what, Ted jr still got the part!
(its prolly best to just stick to being a secret faggot in the
Marines, though. Ppl keep kidnapping their
girlfriends!).
But the best part of this
movie? Ted's uniform comes equipped with a standard military issue grenade
belt made of Gold & Diamonds and Virgil as his bullet-proof vest! (ok, not
fully bullet-proof). AWESOME.
- You know, Manu is not really
that bad when you think about it. You have the ‘Ma” which is good. And you have
the “nu” which is also good! Ma-nu. It’s really not too
bad!
Speaking of which, I’m
thinking it’s time for Samoa to purchase a new communal Dryer for their country!
It’s bad enough no one ever has shoes there, but why does every pair of tights
in that country end at the knees?! What gives?
LAUNDARAL ANARCHY!!!111
-This just in: Lance Cade is
still fired. If only he had the good sense to
overdose in the privacy of his Hotel Room like
everyone else, instead of a plane, he’d either be dead or still employed! Silly
Lance. He definitely needs a lesson in how these things are done! This is no
time to be a Maverick, Lance! Have some *respect* for the business and those who
nearly died in required secret before you!
-Fun Fact to make you like
Baker’s dozen time’s smarter!: Did you know that Undertaker starts angrily
taping up his penis every time Michelle McCool doesn’t do the “job” in the
boudoir? It’s true! aNd disgusting!
Speaking of Undertaker; The
Office has finally decided on a name for that “Devastating submission
maneuver”, the gogogadgetplateofnachos. It’s now called either the
“Devil’s Triangle” or “Hell’s Gate”. But considering it’s so close to
Undertaker’s penile region, I think that’s one gate I’d like to keep locked,
amirite? Exactly. So, ya, that’s the names. But hey, did you know
the actual Brazilian name “Gogoplata” translates to : “A little
lower and I see a Divas Title reign in your future!” Of course that
translation is just loose. Kinda like someone else who I won’t mention is
Michelle McCool and her vagina! (Devil's
Triangle?!!!). Intrigue!!!11
-John Cena has returned!
Already!!!! Hey, why not? He was like totally stabbed by Jesus once, remember?
(right before he preached atop the Mount of Olive-colored nipple-high pants).
What we didn’t know however until this very
moment is that apparently Jesus used the SPEAR OF DESTINY on Cena in that club! (Jesus is
huge in the club scene because they never run out of booze so long as there's
water around!). True fact! And like that’s how Cena totally recovers fast
now from death or injury even! And it doesn’t stop there! He can even now
perform miracles! Like making Great Khali look mobile and having girls love him
even though he looks like Matt Damon fucked Donkey
Kong.
-Special Delivery Jones died!
Oh noes! I wonder if they stuck a tag on his casket that said “Return to
Sender?”
Anyways, since WWE didn’t give
him his proper tribute on TV, I took the liberty in honour of his career by
giving him a 9 second bell salute. Only it was *really*
like 23 seconds but no
one noticed/cared!
Killer Kowalski also died. So,
yes, finally, Justice! Imagine, a proud murderer wandering
around freely with no consequences? Does no one feel for the family of Yukon
Eric’s ear? Anyways, as it turned out, Triple H paid for the funeral (And why
not! This is hardly his first burial!) and even insisted on being a Paul Bearer!
IT’S TRUE. He even died his hair black and grew a swank mustache to boot - ppl
in the stomach to set up the deadly and lethal pedigree. The only thing he
didn’t have was the Urn. If only. If he did he
coulda prolly used it to bring Killer back to life! That’s how they work! Some
people will tell you that Urns are merely receptacles for the remains of our
loved ones and maybe those whom no one will hopefully miss , but those
people just don’t know about all the DARKSIDE MAGIC!!!!!
Oh! and speaking of Killer dying; at the recent
NWA convention, I overhead Harley Race say, "I can't
believe Killer's really gone," and then Jimmy Snuka stood up, and yelled,
"No, I'm not. I'm right here," (only it
sounded like mumbling with the word Brah every few seconds), and there was a lot
of awkwardness and then he killed his
girlfriend.
- Apparently Big Vito has
decided to trade in his dress/ancient Romanian vampirism for shoot fighting
gloves in the world of MMA! So, if you thought Orks were badass when they
only had cross bows and such, try on some jujitsu for size! ( only not
literally. It’s a martial arts discipline, not a suit! IF
ONLY!).
-Mr. Kennedy is back! And he
has a new movie (Behind Enemy Lines: COLOMBIA), available at the bottom of that
bin at Wal-Mart where Weekend at Bernie’s 2 and Police Academy 4: Citizens on
Patrol are! So, what are you waiting for? There’s like only every single one of them still available! Don’t waste
anymore time! They could be gone! Eventually!
Speaking of this movie --which
has already broke the previous Box-Office record of zero dollars set by The
Condemned!-- I recently conducted a super-secret investigation and consulted my
sources, (Plus, I read the DVD sleeve), to find out the plot, and it turns out
the movie is about a guy with a lot of promise who comes very close to
accomplishing his goal, only to fuck it all up and get stuck somewhere that he
tries desperately to escape from to no avail because he's an idiot. I for one
hope Ken can pull off this role! It’ll be tough, but I’m sure if anyone can make
it believable, it’s him!
-TNA has invited Alaska
Governor, Sarah Palin, to the PPV, where they will induct her into the Beautiful
People in exchange for a cheque, a map of Africa, and an erotic massage by Kute
Kip James. Originally, powers that be wanted to bring in outgoing President
George Bush, and even thought of inducting him into a group they’d call “The
Really Stupid People”, but then Dutch Mantel was all like “are we sure we actually want him on the Creative
Team!?” and it fell through. Oh well. I was really looking forward to
them invading ROH and stealing their oil.
-Turns out Dolph Ziggler’s
gimmick is supposed to be an insincere guy with a huge penis who awkwardly
introduces himself to people. Wow. There’s more than one of
us?!!!
- In case you haven’t noticed,
The Animal Batista is starting to go BAD. And I don’t think I have to
tell you what that means for Animals! Ask Old Yeller (Who was superkicked and
mercifully killed by HBK!). Good luck fitting Batista’s body in a
shoe-box in your backyard, though!
-Samoa Joe was recently heard
yelling “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 20 years now,
can’t I just be called "Joe" now?!!!” and TNA was like “No.” It was sad.
-Tomko has signed a new WWE
deal apparently. The Problem Solver is coming back! It’s true! And I say,
why not? He solved his last problem easily. He even concocted this really
awesome formula explaining it in great detail, with graphs and charts,
and then it just turned out the answer was, “Stop sucking and learn how to
wrestle.” Welcome back, Tyson!
-WWE released a bunch of
people. They didn’t say from where.
-This just in: no matter how
many times wrestlers have tried to apologize, the Steel Cage still remains
unforgiving! One guy even tried to buy it a present to heal the rift, but
the Cage was heard saying, “It’s too late. You know what you did. And now you’re going
to have to live with it!”
-Jeff Hardy was found
unconscious in a Stairwell at his Hotel. Foul play was involved. And Fowl Play.
Terry Taylor and Hector Guerrero are currently being sought for questioning/
cooking. More on this as it never develops/boils!
- The reason MVP is losing so
much lately is because he generates a lot of heat backstage. Apparently, he
carries around a little furnace in lieu of the sudden change of weather (that's
why he has to always wear a full body thermal suit) and this doesn’t sit
well with people because of the economy woes/ he's black.
-Scott Hall recently tried to
commit Suicide. You know, that guy from TNA? He tried to institutionalize him
for his own good. His cries of “it’s really me, Frankie
Kazarian under a mask,” apparently fell on deaf ears. Oh
well!
- Speaking if insanity, you’ll
be happy to know that Super Crazy recently changed his medication. He’s now
known as “ Just Kinda Crazy But
Definitely Getting Better.”
-Mike Knox is currently being
compared to Bruiser Brody. Only alive. I’d suggest he stay out of the showers,
though, (like I do) just to be safe. But judging by his beard, he’s
already heeding my warnings! The scuttlebutt (haha, butt) is that his new
ringname will be Bruisiest Brody, ‘cause he’s just that much better and
bruisier. Time will tell if this works out/ José González finishes the job he
started. The good news though is, as of now, the only bad stuff that
happens in showers involves soap, JBL and a pair of cowboy boots. So only yer
dignity dies!
-As Edge found out, apparently
there’s no shaving gel or razors in Hell! That’s why Satan always has a goatee.
Truth is, though, Edge really wasn’t in Hell but trapped on a deserted Island
for 3 months! It’s true. His only friend was a shapeless ball with a messed-up
uneven face haphazardly placed in the middle of it. He called it Vickie,
because, well, she kind of fits the same description. I’m glad he’s back,
though!
-TNA has *finally* came up
with a brand new name for their group of guys to be pinned every week: THE TNA FRONTLINE. YES. I like
it. Those are usually the guys in battle who get killed first, so it all makes
sense! Anyways, they were originally going to be called, “TNA guys who lose every week and never get
over even though half the other guys they’re fighting will prolly be back in WWE
this time next year and they'll all still be stuck here,” but they
couldn’t fit it all on a T-Shirt. (Except Samoa Joe’s.
Weird.).
- And speaking of them, Rhino
of all people is now leading the charge! Literally! ‘Cause, you know he’s a
rhino and they charge, and gore ppl with their horn which might be in his
tights, and his penis. He was pretty pissed about what’s going on in TNA and
said it reminded him of the old ECW - a place that he loved so much that he set their belt on fire two years
ago! EXTREME DEDICATION!!!111
-The Main Event Mafia are
really picking up steam in TNA these days. SERIOUSLY! (they smoke from
every joint when they try to move!). It’s about time someone gives these
guys a break though, and starts putting them over!
And speaking of the Mafia
name, apparently Vince Russo wants to introduce even more actual
Mafia-style gimmicks to their acts (The Rock & Rave Infection are currently
being thrown off bridges in a series of bowling ball bags. No one's even noticed
their absence). In fact, at last week’s tapings, Booker T. said to Kevin Nash
backstage after his match, “I liked the way you
wrestled in those cement overshoes out there,” and Nash was all
like, “I did?” Then it was just awkward for
everybody especially the crowd who all aged at the same rate as that one guy did
who drank from the fancy cup of christ whilst big sexy ran the
ropes.
Oh, and just in case
you’re wondering, Christian Cage is currently in Witness Relocation until he can
testify against Sting et al. It’s true! The Government has been building a HUGE
RICO case for months. And once Rico gets there, watch out! (he's
got the entire PENILE system behind - and in him.).
- Have you ever noticed that
Stephanie McMahon never gets shot below the waist on TV? And not just because
her titties are some 48 inches long neither. Turns out, during her bigtime
pregnancy of a half-human baby, she was the first ever recipient of
a “Z-section" (22 bigger than C), and as a result she had to have the
whole lower half of her torso removed so they could
actually pull out the inherited features, forehead and ego of the
father from her acursed womb! All 3000 pounds of it! It's said that
she of course only agreed to this procedure so she could finally eat
whatever she wanted and just have it just fall out the bottom. Makes total
sense to me! ( I'd still have sex with her, though. I means, sean
Carless of this site has always said she was a huge cunt, and now she really
is!).
-According to my secret
source, Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi who wishes to remain anonymous and gay
with no standards apparently, WWE “Superstars” are soon to be allegedly now
known as “Entertainers”. Jazz hands and/or top hat/monocle combos are also
encouraged! (Kane already has the big hook ready from See No Evil just in
case they suck!).
In a related note, in
retaliation, Cedric The Entertainer has apparently changed his name to Cedric the Wrestler, pending a
lawsuit/ joke that's actually funny. If successful, he hopes to remove all
“Entertainment” from WWE altogether! However, Vince’s attorney Jerry McDevitt
has bigtime counter-argued that Vince himself already did that, submitting
2002-2008 WWE programming as Exhibit A. Then the judge said, "you're
both terrible. I mean, really, really, terrible," and just made
them both World Wrestling and Cedric The, respectively.
-Vince is apparently pissed
off at Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, stating that no one
involved will EVER
work in this business again (promise?). So, Brian Knobs dreams of becoming WWE
Champion/ eating at the catering table 4-8 times in a 2 hour block are thus
dashed. What a shame. He was like THIS close/fat!
Also, a cease and desist
letter was sent to Brutus Beefcake, demanding he stop calling himself Brutus
“The Barber” Beefcake, and to stop any and all struttin’ in addition to cuttin’,
post haste. I personally blame Vince’s haircut for the disdain. He
obviously holds ill-will toward Brutus on the account of his haircutting
prowess, and the bad memories conjured up by his own haircut at Wrestlemania 23. Or maybe it’s
just because he didn’t get awakened that night by a huge stomp to the neck
first! All the reputable barbers do it! The trick is trusting them to choke you
into unconsciousness first! (I've only been discreetly raped once so
far!)
Oh, and they also fired Jimmy
Hart, and told him he would be no longer needed to work the road. Which is a job
they should have a construction guy doing anyway! Or Hulk Hogan even. He did
after all build the entire industry by himself!!! He's awesome with Tools! (not
Nick Hogan).
-In a recent interview,
Michael P.S. Hayes went on record stating that he’s learned his lesson, and
he’ll never ever insult another nigger again no matter how much more niggery he
himself is than them. Good for him! Prejudice is the worst kind of
Racism!
According to JR, Jack Swagger
never lost one street fight while in University. Which begs the question, HOW TOUGH ARE SCHOOLS IN THE U.S. TO
WHERE BRAWLS ARE BREAKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASSES???!!!1111 I means,
one minute you’re doing the Calculus, and then bam, broken beer bottle over the
head! Of course, he is from Oklahoma and you know
how those Indians can be once they get drunk/ have their land stolen in exchange
4 jewelry & polio! RIDICACOCKOULOUS!!!!!!11111
-Just what are the
Consequences of Creed anyways? Winning every single match you
have with him? Those are some ramerpercussions I can live with (but not
spell!!!!).
-Trish Stratus has apparently
opened up her own Yoga
studio. At first, I read it as “yogurt” and was kinda happy, ‘cause I’ve been
making yogurt to Trish for YEARS!!!! Way to end the dream, Trish! Boo! Now pass
me a towel/spoon!
-Expect the Central American
Champion to come out of the woodwork (the literal jungle) soon and
stake his claim at the validity of WWE’s claims that they unified both the North & South American Titles almost 30
years ago! Then the big re-unification match will be booked for Rio Di
Janeiro, but the cameras will miss it all AGAIN. TRAGIC! Someone get some
cameras to Brazil that actually work! How much longer must we miss history/take
homosexuals word's for it?
-The
reason R-Truth has been de-pushed lately is ‘cause he’s apparently restarted his
badmouthing of John Cena, even going so far as to say, “You can’t see me!” to Cena himself! Then Cena
answered, “Well, maybe if you wore something other than
dark pants out there or smiled more that wouldn’t be the case.” And it
almost came to blows. But thankfully, both men put their pants back on and
remembered they weren't dirty faggots! Lucky us! More on this breaking
story as it doesn’t develop/swallow!
Before I leave you for
a night of swimming through my vault of Gold-doubloons as per other rich
person standards, (I've currently invested my remaining monies in the lucrative
Auto Industry, so I feel that I will be recession proof), let me first give
you a couple of quick updates! The YEAR END AWARDS ARE COMING!~!~! So, remember,
refrain from previous years' flagrant faggotry and VOTE CORRECTLY this time. A
vote for the evil sean Carless and his faggoty mop of hair or anyone other
than yer pal the Baconman is a vote for Child Molestation and evil. I
think. Oh, and next time I join yous in the new year, we will finally INDUCT NEW MEMBERS (not
penises) into the prestigious BACON HALL OF FAME. But first, for your benefit and
pleasure I have supplied the current Inductees into its hollowed halls (I
just dug them myself this week!).
See you soon but prolly
not!
VOTE BACON OR BE A FAGGOT.
Consider this Bacon
brought!
-CB