Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

bringinghomethebacon.jpg

 

The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Friday, November 28, 2008 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon 

ACHIN' FOR BACON!
 
Hey there, Baconfans, it is I, your favourite writer in the ever and the man thrice voted "Bestest Insidey Insider I’ve never read in my life," by the Dave Meltzer himself, Me, Canadian Bacon - Or as I’m known by my Christian name, Jesus. It’s true!!!11
 
Anyways, I knows its been like years or months even since I last had the bigtime opportunity to be awesome with you, and as such some of yous may not even be familiar with my extensive expertise in Writery dealing with glorious oiled musclemen. So, I’ll give you the quick 411 (911's younger brother, who just hurt ppl's feelings back in the ECW arena in 1994 while big bro did all the heavy lifting):  I’m the best. When the dave Meltzer or Bryan Alvaroni needs bigtime info and such they ring up the Baconman, and get the real scoops on the stars because I gots news for you all: if I was anymore inside, I’d be playing Babaloo on Vince McMahon’s lower intestines!!!!111 It’s true! (and he's always exposing his immaculate corn-chute to anyone/everyone so it'd be as easy as 123 Kid (He's a whore and will put out for ANY money/pot/coke/chicks w/ dicks)). 
 
In fact, you know that infamous entry on the wikipedia about Chris Benoit murdering his family and wife and child even, that was posted a full day before anyone knew about the murders? And how  everyone was like, How could anyone have known that before it was ever released?" And how people were like, “Someone with that much information just HAD to be on the scene?”  Well, I was one of these people asking this. So, don’t doubt my infinite credentials on all things wrestling!111 (I once knew a guy who sold Killer Khan a bite-sized Baby Ruth chocolate bar at an Airport chip-stand in 1987, one week before the 1st Survivor Series, so I AM THE REAL DEAL.).
 
Anyways, before we get to the newsiness and I give you an early Xmas gift —THE GIFT OF THE KNOWLEDGE— ( a holiday named in honor of the man who coined it, William Christmas in 1944),  let us first discuss its preceding American holiday, FAKE THANKSGIVING!!!!111
 
That’s right, anybody who’s anybody, who’s me, knows that the *real* Thanksgiving happens in October in God’s country of Canada - the northern most point of importance in the universe and the closest geographical proximity to heaven; and as such, it’s just a stones throw to give him his proper thanks. It’s true. So, ya, I hope you all enjoyed your fake thanksgiving and thought back to the *first* one when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rocky Maivia and then killed all the Indians with complicated elbow drops and spinebusters. Just think, if the Indians weren’t such pussies, we’d all be speaking Indian today instead of Canadian and living in Tents in our underwear. So, thanks Americans for your genocide. It was a nice gesture! And see you all tomorrow on Black Friday - of course named in honour of all the black people throwing Jimmy elbows at the stores trying to get to the discounted pork rinds and basketballs. It’s just sad. And Hilarious!!!
 
Onto the Réport!!!1111
 
BACON

RÉPORT

NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW  STUFF

(11/28/08)

 
Once upon a time, Jim Ross used to have a bigtime awesome feature called the "Ross Report" where he tackled the biggest issues of the sport with the ferocity in which he ate unhealthy things and good friend Jerry lawler had sex with girls he was too afraid to ask their real ages of. Issues like spicy hickory Barbecue sauce, what appliances best resemble the varying limbs of the Big Show, and what fruit could prolly fit inside his rings, and of course how you should build up your upperbody to really get into the hunt! You know, the truly important things!!!
 
Unfortunately though, soon after, Mother Nature reeked bigtime chaos on his rectum (my god, it was nearly broken in half - even more so) and he had to step down/squat down to get his colon taken care of (As I've said before, he now has a semi-colon).
 
THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!!11 You see, I picked up the slack where he left off ( mistaking Chris Jericho 4 Chris benoit) and did what ANY really super important Internet legend would do in that situation: I filled his quota of BIGTIME INFORMATION : Delivering wrestling newsery with the intensity of someone like totally intense. It was that awesome. So here we are! Me back doing what I do best (besides tucking my balls and junk inside my asshole and tricking people into thinking I'm a sexy lady!): NEWSINESS AS ONLY I CAN PROVIDE!!!!! Here we go!!!!11
 
-Brock Lesnar is the new Ultimate Fighting Championship Fighting heavyweight Champion of the Universe! Brock won this honour by beating Randy Couture who I understand when he’s not fighting is producing some of the best runway high fashion! It’s true! Anyways, I was all up in Las Vegas as the kids are not saying these days, and saw it all LIVE! Of course, if I wasn't live I’d be dead and that’d make it really hard! (Although I could still watch it Heaven ‘cause God still allows MMA up there, just not WWE! Stupid Backlash 2006!!!!11).
 
Anyways, as I was saying, I was there and saw it live, then watched it on PPV also simultaneously, because I defy logic and time, and I’ll tell you there was actually some bigtime discrepancies or differences even! Like, the part where Brock yelled out, “Here comes the Pain!” then said, “Psyche!” and just wrapped his legs around Randy and rode him like a horse, smacking his bum the whole time! They also cut out the part where he went to the top of the Octagon for a Shooting Star Press and yelled out, “Hopefully it works this time!” And guess what? IT DID!!!1111 Then he just punched him in the head and killed him and they gave him the belt, and Sable turned to embers under the hot lights, exposing her to *really* be disgraced former wrestler/husband/visual faggot, Marc Mero!. It happened just like that. Except for the lies.
 
Speaking of the Ultimate Fighting World (An actual planet found just south of Planet Stasiak ) WWE released a statement on their bigtime website where they bashed the UFC shows for their lack of guaranteed entertainment like WWE’s. Just when and where they these alleged WWE shows would be available and such remains to be seen!!111 (I'll keep u posted! it has to happen eventually!).
 
Anyways, Dana White has apparently really taken this to heart, and next month at UFC 92, (its hard to believe it's almost been a hundred years since the first one), the card will feature a *first ever* ULTIMATE PIZZA EATING CONTEST between  Frank Mir and Nogueira where Nog will ingest too much 'za and puke on Mir and hilarity will ensue! Then Joe Rogen will come out in a THONG and dance, and BJ Penn will dump liquid shit on Dana White from the stage and be all like, “I’ve got two words for you: Fellatio!” And then a shit-covered Dana will say “that’s actually just one word,” and everyone will laugh and laugh and four people will buy UFC 93. ULTIMATE ENTERTAINMENT!!!1111
 
-Ted DiBiase jr is currently filming the film Marine 2: MARINIER. That’s right, Randy Orton’s kick to the skull led to the bright lights of Hollywood! Who’d have thunk it/thought a robot could act? And to think every time I get kicked in the skull I just get brain damage and involuntarily shit myself before dying! He truly is special! And alive. (his charisma didn't make it, though.).
 
Anyways, the big rumour I’ve heard is that he can thank his Dad, Ted Dibiase Jr. Senior, for getting him the part! His dad was all up in that Producer’s office yelling, “everyone has a price for the Million Dollar man!” and then the producers were all like, “You do know that a million dollars isn’t that much money anymore?!” And then Ted was like, “I don’t believe that!”  Then he accidentally tore off his 30 dollar cellophane money suit on the corner of the desk and it was awkward for everybody. But guess what, Ted jr still got the part! (its prolly best to just stick to being a secret faggot in the Marines, though. Ppl keep kidnapping their girlfriends!). 
 
But the best part of this movie? Ted's uniform comes equipped with a standard military issue grenade belt made of Gold & Diamonds and Virgil as his bullet-proof vest! (ok, not fully bullet-proof). AWESOME.
 
- You know, Manu is not really that bad when you think about it. You have the ‘Ma” which is good. And you have the “nu” which is also good! Ma-nu. It’s really not too bad!
 
Speaking of which, I’m thinking it’s time for Samoa to purchase a new communal Dryer for their country! It’s bad enough no one ever has shoes there, but why does every pair of tights in that country end at the knees?! What gives? LAUNDARAL ANARCHY!!!111
 
-This just in: Lance Cade is still fired. If only he had the good sense to overdose in the privacy of his Hotel Room like everyone else, instead of a plane, he’d either be dead or still employed! Silly Lance. He definitely needs a lesson in how these things are done! This is no time to be a Maverick, Lance! Have some *respect* for the business and those who nearly died in required secret before you!
 
-Fun Fact to make you like Baker’s dozen time’s smarter!:  Did you know that Undertaker starts angrily taping up his penis every time Michelle McCool doesn’t do the “job” in the boudoir? It’s true! aNd disgusting!
 
Speaking of Undertaker; The Office has finally decided on a name for that “Devastating submission maneuver”,  the gogogadgetplateofnachos. It’s now called either the “Devil’s Triangle” or “Hell’s Gate”. But considering it’s so close to Undertaker’s penile region, I think that’s one gate I’d like to keep locked, amirite? Exactly.  So, ya, that’s the names.  But hey, did you know the actual Brazilian name “Gogoplata” translates to : “A little lower and I see a Divas Title reign in your future!” Of course that translation is just loose. Kinda like someone else who I won’t mention is Michelle McCool and her vagina! (Devil's Triangle?!!!). Intrigue!!!11
 
-John Cena has returned! Already!!!! Hey, why not? He was like totally stabbed by Jesus once, remember? (right before he preached atop the Mount of Olive-colored nipple-high pants). What we didn’t know however until this very moment is that apparently Jesus used the SPEAR OF DESTINY on Cena in that club! (Jesus is huge in the club scene because they never run out of booze so long as there's water around!). True fact! And like that’s how Cena totally recovers fast now from death or injury even! And it doesn’t stop there! He can even now perform miracles! Like making Great Khali look mobile and having girls love him even though he looks like Matt Damon fucked Donkey Kong.
 
-Special Delivery Jones died! Oh noes! I wonder if they stuck a tag on his casket that said “Return to Sender?”
 
Anyways, since WWE didn’t give him his proper tribute on TV, I took the liberty in honour of his career by giving him a 9 second bell salute. Only it was *really* like 23 seconds but no one noticed/cared!
 
Killer Kowalski also died. So, yes, finally, Justice! Imagine, a proud murderer wandering around freely with no consequences? Does no one feel for the family of Yukon Eric’s ear? Anyways, as it turned out, Triple H paid for the funeral (And why not! This is hardly his first burial!) and even insisted on being a Paul Bearer! IT’S TRUE. He even died his hair black and grew a swank mustache to boot - ppl in the stomach to set up the deadly and lethal  pedigree. The only thing he didn’t have was the Urn. If only. If he did he coulda prolly used it to bring Killer back to life! That’s how they work! Some people will tell you that Urns are merely receptacles for the remains of our loved ones and maybe those whom no one will hopefully miss , but those people just don’t know about all the DARKSIDE MAGIC!!!!!
 
Oh! and speaking of Killer dying; at the recent NWA convention, I overhead Harley Race say, "I can't believe Killer's really gone," and then Jimmy Snuka stood up, and yelled, "No, I'm not. I'm right here,"  (only it sounded like mumbling with the word Brah every few seconds), and there was a lot of awkwardness and then he killed his girlfriend.
 
- Apparently Big Vito has decided to trade in his dress/ancient Romanian vampirism for shoot fighting gloves in the world of MMA! So, if you thought Orks were badass when they only had cross bows and such, try on some jujitsu for size! ( only not literally. It’s a martial arts discipline, not a suit! IF ONLY!).
 
-Mr. Kennedy is back! And he has a new movie (Behind Enemy Lines: COLOMBIA), available at the bottom of that bin at Wal-Mart where Weekend at Bernie’s 2 and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol are! So, what are you waiting for? There’s like only every single one of them still available! Don’t waste anymore time! They could be gone! Eventually!
 
Speaking of this movie --which has already broke the previous Box-Office record of zero dollars set by The Condemned!-- I recently conducted a super-secret investigation and consulted my sources, (Plus, I read the DVD sleeve), to find out the plot, and it turns out the movie is about a guy with a lot of promise who comes very close to accomplishing his goal, only to fuck it all up and get stuck somewhere that he tries desperately to escape from to no avail because he's an idiot. I for one hope Ken can pull off this role! It’ll be tough, but I’m sure if anyone can make it believable, it’s him!
 
-TNA has invited Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, to the PPV, where they will induct her into the Beautiful People in exchange for a cheque, a map of Africa, and an erotic massage by Kute Kip James. Originally, powers that be wanted to bring in outgoing President George Bush, and even thought of inducting him into a group they’d call “The Really Stupid People”, but then Dutch Mantel was all like “are we sure we actually want him on the Creative Team!?” and it fell through. Oh well. I was really looking forward to them invading ROH and stealing their oil.
 
-Turns out Dolph Ziggler’s gimmick is supposed to be an insincere guy with a huge penis who awkwardly introduces himself to people. Wow. There’s more than one of us?!!!
 
- In case you haven’t noticed, The Animal Batista is starting to go BAD. And I don’t think I have to tell you what that means for Animals! Ask Old Yeller (Who was superkicked and mercifully killed by HBK!). Good luck fitting Batista’s body in a shoe-box in your backyard, though!
 
-Samoa Joe was recently heard yelling “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 20 years now, can’t I just be called "Joe" now?!!!” and TNA was like “No.” It was sad.
 
-Tomko has signed a new WWE deal apparently.  The Problem Solver is coming back! It’s true! And I say, why not? He solved his last problem easily. He even concocted this really awesome formula explaining it in great detail, with graphs and charts, and then it just turned out the answer was, “Stop sucking and learn how to wrestle.”  Welcome back, Tyson!
 
-WWE released a bunch of people. They didn’t say from where.
 
-This just in: no matter how many times wrestlers have tried to apologize, the Steel Cage still remains unforgiving! One guy even tried to buy it a present to heal the rift, but the Cage was heard saying, “It’s too late. You know what you did. And now you’re going to have to live with it!”
 
-Jeff Hardy was found unconscious in a Stairwell at his Hotel. Foul play was involved. And Fowl Play. Terry Taylor and Hector Guerrero are currently being sought for questioning/ cooking. More on this as it never develops/boils!
 
- The reason MVP is losing so much lately is because he generates a lot of heat backstage. Apparently, he carries around a little furnace in lieu of the sudden change of weather (that's why he has to always wear a full body thermal suit) and this doesn’t sit well with people because of the economy woes/ he's black.
 
-Scott Hall recently tried to commit Suicide. You know, that guy from TNA? He tried to institutionalize him for his own good. His cries of “it’s really me, Frankie Kazarian under a mask,” apparently fell on deaf ears. Oh well!
 
- Speaking if insanity, you’ll be happy to know that Super Crazy recently changed his medication. He’s now known as “ Just Kinda Crazy But Definitely Getting Better.”
 
-Mike Knox is currently being compared to Bruiser Brody. Only alive. I’d suggest he stay out of the showers, though, (like I do) just to be safe. But judging by his beard, he’s already heeding my warnings! The scuttlebutt (haha, butt) is that his new ringname will be Bruisiest Brody, ‘cause he’s just that much better and bruisier. Time will tell if this works out/ José González finishes the job he started. The good news though is, as of now, the only bad stuff that happens in showers involves soap, JBL and a pair of cowboy boots. So only yer dignity dies!
 
-As Edge found out, apparently there’s no shaving gel or razors in Hell! That’s why Satan always has a goatee. Truth is, though, Edge really wasn’t in Hell but trapped on a deserted Island for 3 months! It’s true. His only friend was a shapeless ball with a messed-up uneven face haphazardly placed in the middle of it. He called it Vickie, because, well, she kind of fits the same description. I’m glad he’s back, though!
 
-TNA has *finally* came up with a brand new name for their group of guys to be pinned every week: THE TNA FRONTLINE. YES. I like it. Those are usually the guys in battle who get killed first, so it all makes sense! Anyways, they were originally going to be called, “TNA guys who lose every week and never get over even though half the other guys they’re fighting will prolly be back in WWE this time next year and they'll all still be stuck here,” but they couldn’t fit it all on a T-Shirt. (Except Samoa Joe’s. Weird.).
 
- And speaking of them, Rhino of all people is now leading the charge! Literally! ‘Cause, you know he’s a rhino and they charge, and gore ppl with their horn which might be in his tights, and his penis. He was pretty pissed about what’s going on in TNA and said it reminded him of the old ECW - a place that he loved so much that he set their belt on fire two years ago!  EXTREME DEDICATION!!!111
 
-The Main Event Mafia are really picking up steam in TNA these days. SERIOUSLY! (they smoke from every joint when they try to move!). It’s about time someone gives these guys a break though, and starts putting them over!
 
And speaking of the Mafia name, apparently Vince Russo wants to introduce even more actual Mafia-style gimmicks to their acts (The Rock & Rave Infection are currently being thrown off bridges in a series of bowling ball bags. No one's even noticed their absence). In fact, at last week’s tapings, Booker T. said to Kevin Nash backstage after his match, “I liked the way you wrestled in those cement overshoes out there,” and Nash was all like, “I did?” Then it was just awkward for everybody especially the crowd who all aged at the same rate as that one guy did who drank from the fancy cup of christ whilst big sexy ran the ropes.
 
 Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, Christian Cage is currently in Witness Relocation until he can testify against Sting et al. It’s true! The Government has been building a HUGE RICO case for months. And once Rico gets there, watch out! (he's got the entire PENILE system behind - and in him.).
 
- Have you ever noticed that Stephanie McMahon never gets shot below the waist on TV? And not just because her titties are some 48 inches long neither. Turns out, during her bigtime pregnancy of a half-human baby, she was the first ever recipient of a “Z-section" (22 bigger than C), and as a result she had to have the whole lower half of her torso removed so they could actually pull out the inherited features, forehead and ego of the father from her acursed womb! All 3000 pounds of it! It's said that she of course only agreed to this procedure so she could finally eat whatever she wanted and just have it just fall out the bottom. Makes total sense to me! ( I'd still have sex with her, though. I means, sean Carless of this site has always said she was a huge cunt, and now she really is!).
 
-According to my secret source, Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi who wishes to remain anonymous and gay with no standards apparently, WWE “Superstars” are soon to be allegedly now known as “Entertainers”. Jazz hands and/or top hat/monocle combos are also encouraged! (Kane already has the big hook ready from See No Evil just in case they suck!). 
 
In a related note, in retaliation, Cedric The Entertainer has apparently changed his name to Cedric the Wrestler, pending a lawsuit/ joke that's actually funny. If successful, he hopes to remove all “Entertainment” from WWE altogether! However, Vince’s attorney Jerry McDevitt has bigtime counter-argued that Vince himself already did that, submitting 2002-2008 WWE programming as Exhibit A. Then the judge said, "you're both terrible. I mean, really, really, terrible," and just made them both World Wrestling and Cedric The, respectively.
 
-Vince is apparently pissed off at Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, stating that no one involved will EVER work in this business again (promise?). So, Brian Knobs dreams of becoming WWE Champion/ eating at the catering table 4-8 times in a 2 hour block are thus dashed. What a shame. He was like THIS close/fat!
 
Also, a cease and desist letter was sent to Brutus Beefcake, demanding he stop calling himself Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, and to stop any and all struttin’ in addition to cuttin’, post haste. I personally blame Vince’s haircut for the disdain. He obviously holds ill-will toward Brutus on the account of his haircutting prowess, and the bad memories conjured up by his own haircut at Wrestlemania 23.  Or maybe it’s just because he didn’t get awakened that night by a huge stomp to the neck first! All the reputable barbers do it! The trick is trusting them to choke you into unconsciousness first! (I've only been discreetly raped once so far!)
 
Oh, and they also fired Jimmy Hart, and told him he would be no longer needed to work the road. Which is a job they should have a construction guy doing anyway! Or Hulk Hogan even. He did after all build the entire industry by himself!!! He's awesome with Tools! (not Nick Hogan).
 
-In a recent interview, Michael P.S. Hayes went on record stating that he’s learned his lesson, and he’ll never ever insult another nigger again no matter how much more niggery he himself is than them. Good for him! Prejudice is the worst kind of Racism!
 
According to JR, Jack Swagger never lost one street fight while in University. Which begs the question, HOW TOUGH ARE SCHOOLS IN THE U.S. TO WHERE BRAWLS ARE BREAKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASSES???!!!1111 I means, one minute you’re doing the Calculus, and then bam, broken beer bottle over the head! Of course, he is from Oklahoma and you know how those Indians can be once they get drunk/ have their land stolen in exchange 4 jewelry & polio! RIDICACOCKOULOUS!!!!!!11111
 
-Just what are the Consequences of Creed anyways? Winning every single match you have with him? Those are some ramerpercussions I can live with (but not spell!!!!).
 
-Trish Stratus has apparently opened up her own Yoga studio. At first, I read it as “yogurt” and was kinda happy, ‘cause I’ve been making yogurt to Trish for YEARS!!!! Way to end the dream, Trish! Boo! Now pass me a towel/spoon!
 
-Expect the Central American Champion to come out of the woodwork (the literal jungle) soon and stake his claim at the validity of WWE’s claims that they unified both the North & South American Titles almost 30 years ago! Then the big re-unification match will be booked for Rio Di Janeiro, but the cameras will miss it all AGAIN. TRAGIC! Someone get some cameras to Brazil that actually work! How much longer must we miss history/take homosexuals word's for it?

-The reason R-Truth has been de-pushed lately is ‘cause he’s apparently restarted his badmouthing of John Cena, even going so far as to say, “You can’t see me!”  to Cena himself! Then Cena answered, “Well, maybe if you wore something other than dark pants out there or smiled more that wouldn’t be the case.” And it almost came to blows. But thankfully, both men put their pants back on and remembered they weren't dirty faggots! Lucky us! More on this breaking story as it doesn’t develop/swallow!
 
Before I leave you for a night of swimming through my vault of Gold-doubloons as per other rich person standards, (I've currently invested my remaining monies in the lucrative Auto Industry, so I feel that I will be recession proof), let me first give you a couple of quick updates! The YEAR END AWARDS ARE COMING!~!~! So, remember, refrain from previous years' flagrant faggotry and VOTE CORRECTLY this time. A vote for the evil sean Carless and his faggoty mop of hair or anyone other than yer pal the Baconman is a vote for Child Molestation and evil. I think. Oh, and next time I join yous in the new year, we will finally INDUCT NEW MEMBERS (not penises) into the prestigious BACON HALL OF FAME. But first, for your benefit and pleasure I have supplied the current Inductees into its hollowed halls (I just dug them myself this week!).
 
bacon.jpgSee you soon but prolly not!
VOTE BACON OR BE A FAGGOT.
Consider this Bacon brought!
 
-CB
 
BACON HALL OF FAME
PREVIOUS INDUCTEES: 
2006!
 
Mark Henry-  He’s SO GOOD at what he does in the ring that he makes you forget that wrestling is supposed to be all about athleticism and believability. That’s talent! Plus, he can squash APPLES with his bare hands (bear hands?) which I imagine makes him none too popular in the produce aisle. Just saying.
 
My only problem though with Mark, is prolly his hygiene. I mean, why would they call him the “World’s Strongest Man” if not for an obvious and startling body odor problem? I means, he even used to mention his “stank” all the time which can’t be good. Plus, I’ve heard almost every writer online when reviewing his matches saying that he completely stinks, so my theory HAS to be true.
 
But anyway, Stinky pits or not, Mark Henry takes his place amongst the Elite or important even. I’d follow his AWESOME example and tear my phone book or frying pan in half too, but that’s where I keep all my numbers and cook all my food. (how is he even fat without a proper pan to cook his food in?).
 
Koko B. Ware-  For YEARS, Koko used to encourage us all to “do the bird”, but I always found it preposterous. I mean, how would you ever fit your dink into its tiny bum? Impossible. Even for someone with a lean penile like myself.
 
Anyways, when you discount his incessant pushing to perform bestiality on God’s winged creatures, he was a pretty accomplished wrestler with big pants and an even bigger heart (better get to the doctor). In fact he racked up an almost Goldberg streak in wrestling… If Goldberg had lost all his matches instead of won them1!!! He also had a cool finisher with the Ghostbuster. I was somewhat sad that it didn’t involve the proton pack and ghost trap follow up you’d expect with such a hold but whatever. Still though, If Koko had just sucked Butch Reed into the trap he’d have got the duke at Wrestlemania 3, and Butch would knee deep in Ectoplasm right now in the containment unit, trying to avoid Owen hart's hilarious pranks. If only.
 
Koko was also cool because he wore one white glove just like Michael Jackson. Only he didn’t sexually abuse children like the King of Pop. But that’s something I never understood. Why would you ever complain about being violated if you had a ball pit to play in, Pirate costumes to wear, and LLAMAS to ride?! That’s a good host. I mean, so what if he fondled you? So what? When you ever going to get to ride llamas again? It’s a fair trade off, I’d think. I mean, really. LLAMAS. The sexual insult will fade with time but a day that fun will stick with you forever! (Am I the only one who sees this??!!!).
 
Anyways, congratulations to Koko. Your pestering of me on the My Space site has finally paid off. Now go buy a pet that’s not flammable. Or maybe a LLAMA! You won’t be sorry you did!
 
Moses: That’s right, the emancipator of the Jews! The Jews were slaves in Egypt for years (which explains why they save their money so good now), until Moses came along and freed them from their bondage. (I didn’t realize the Egyptians were into kinky S& M!). The Egyptians couldn’t have been too pleased to lose such a reputable and hardworking workforce, however, though, that’s for sure, even if all they did was complain and order Chinese food all the time (you thought delivery was slow these days!). I mean, Black people like to talk about slavery a lot, but I don’t remember y’all BUILDING A PYRAMID. Score one for the Hebe's!
 
Mr. Hughes-  I have put over the awesomeness of Mr. Hughes before, so why not finally *officially* induct him?
 
 Most black dudes who wear sunglasses all the time are blind, but not Mr. Hughes… unless he did a real great job of hiding it! Mr. Hughes started out as Lex Luger’s bodyguard then he went to the WWF where he stole undertaker’s urn, before getting fired for cocaine, which prolly explains the sunglasses. Perfect way to cover up those coked out eyes fer sure!
 
Mr. Hughes came back to wwf in 1999 all sober and such and acted as Chris Jericho’s bodyguard. He still wore the glasses but this time he wore some faggoty-assed disco shirt instead of the shirt and tie… which obviously proved me wrong… HE WAS BLIND. No one with functioning eyes would willfully wear this shirt. And for a blind guy he surely could move in that ring. And while he coulda begged for money in front of liquor stores like other blind people (Come on, how hard is it to see, really?!!) he chose to instead unleash big side walk slams, and all without the aid of a dog or telescopic walking stick. AWESOME.  Most other blind guys just play a piano, but not Hughes, he had real talent. (I don’t think I need to tell you how complicated a body slam is even with eyesight!).
 
Anyways, they fired Mr. Hughes soon after anyway, and he didn’t see it coming. (prolly cause he was blind). It was a sad day for wrestling fans but not really.
 
Anyways, congrats to Mr. Hughes!  It doesn’t take a blind man (hahahaha) to see your talent and that this is well deserved. Now get back on the spank and bring back the REAL Mr. Hughes of old. Cocaine never hurt anybody important.
 
Warlord- Another inductee DUE for this was another man I’ve put over as the 2nd coming of Christ, (known for his extra orgasms, I suppose), the Mighty Warlord. He was a big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a mustache that looked kinda like a walrus, which is the tiger of the ocean and a friend to Canada! Only instead of eating seals (that's why he hasn't cut an album in awhile) Warlord chose to hook on the full nelson, prolly the best submission hold ever that looks like yer doing nothing!!! And in the hands of Warlord it was prolly lethal to boot (which he also used on occasion).
 
Anyways, tragedy struck Warlord eventually when he was run over by a PIZZA TRUCK. Warlord was severely injured but the pie got there on time, and that’s the important thing.
 
So congratulations, Warlord! And btw, you used to always carry around a wand with a big “W” on it, but never told us what it stood for. Oh well. Some mysteries will never be solved, I guess.
 
Dusty Rhodes- He’s the American Dream, but he never told us what dream that was. I hope it wasn’t the one where you go to school and realize you forgot your pants. I always hated that one. (they were really awesome pants.).
 
My favourite thing about Dusty is how realistic looking he is. I mean he’s a perfect knock off of a real-life flesh(y) and blood(y) person. To look at him, you’d never ever know he was really a CYBORG. I mean a bionic elbow? It all makes sense now! And it also explains how he could bleed so much and not die. He has an internal metallic endoskeleton chasse! (it's just a shame his synthetic skin came coupled with so much synthetic fat! Must've been a rib-- which he prolly ate!). 
 
Now let’s just hope the government computers don’t get self-aware, or Dusty just might hunt us all down and finish off Humanity with a series of intricate elbow smashes and crotch thrusts. He can’t be reasoned with! And he absolutely will not stop eating and insisting you put him over whether its relevant or not until you are dead, if you weel.
 
Operation: I have this game to thank for everything I know about the medicular field (A LOT!). Because of its precision, I’m confident I could perform many complicated surgeries on naked ppl with lightbulbs for noses, without wasting tens of thousands on useless medical school. In fact, if any of yous guys ever need a huge oblong bone pulled from your abdomen without getting electrocuted, I’m definitely your man!
 
Undertaker:  And finally, we have The Undertaker. Most real life boring Undertaker’s spend their time elbow deep in bodily organs, and never experience the full experience of undertakering, including stuffing live people into caskets, tormenting the fat & evil and of course practicing the DARK SIDE MAGIC. I once dared an Undertaker to give me the electric death from his finger tips, but NOTHING happened. Heck, I even blindsided him, threw him in one of his caskets, chopped holes in it with pick axe and set it on fire with gasoline just like WWE, and HE JUST BURNED TO DEATH. No mysterious escapes, no bigtime back from the dead returns. I mean, what kind of Undertaker was this guy? (besides dead). WEIRD.
 
Still though, I partially gave Undertaker this award now (after all, he still is only in the formative years of his career) because of a recent incident. Apparently Undertaker almost contracted GINGIVITIS at Armageddon from Cowboy Bob Orton, and no one told Undertaker of Bob’s diseased gums~! Ridiculous. Apparently Bob Orton didn’t practice proper oral hygiene (brushing ur teeth after blowjobs is a must) and contracted the evil Gingivitis when he was teenager! And I believe it too. After all, look at how bad he took care of that busted arm of his! (he wore a cast for 20 years!). Just imagine what his teeth must be like!!!! And to someone with a glorious white smile like the Deadman, this had to be devastating. I mean, imagine if Undertaker had to take time out of not putting anyone over to go see the dentist? (i'd recommend against asking Kane to do it.  Especially after the fire, burials & deaths and all). Someone might get a push that deserves an opportunity, and I as a wrestling fan just can’t stand for that.
 
So, congratulations to Undertaker for being the last inductee for 2006, and good luck with your gums. I’ll pay tribute to your bigtime accomplishments by drawing power from my grampa’s own urn sitting on our mantle. (I can’t seem to derive anything from it thus far, though. Am I doing something wrong? (besides rubbing the ashes on my face and pretending I'm a black man). And when does it become filled with swirling light and darkside magic? Right now it’s all dust and what appears to be the wingtip of his cobbled shoes. Not good.).
 
Class of 2005

 

Steve McMichael: First inductee is Steve McMichael who brought CREDIBILITY to the sport as he made a smooth transition from professional football to unprofessional wrestling, trading in his pads and helmet and secret steroids for some shiny black underwear and some knee pads! Someone told me he played with the Bears but I don't see how that's possible.  First, I doubt Bears have the dexterity to play football, and besides he'd surely be mauled by those bears thats fer sure. But if he did, I highly doubt it was grizzlies cause he'd be dead now and we'd have never seen what he could do in a ring and that woulda been unfortunate.

 

Anyways, he used to hurt people for real all the time and I don’t think I need to tell you that means he was a GREAT wrestler. They called him Mongo which I think is short for mongoloid. This surprised me as I really had no idea that Steve was disabled (although the round fat-face and swollen eyes did kinda give it away). Anyways, Mongo was a credit to his mongoloid heritage and would make fellow mongoloid and Warrior Genghis Khan very proud! (who’d have thought that a country full of people with Down's Syndrome could conquer half the known world!). So, here’s to you, Steve Mongoloid McMichael! Mongoloids may only have a shelf life of about 30 years, and mostly only stack cans at the super market and smile too much but you’ll always live on in the Bacon Hall of Fame!

 

 

Kronik: A double entry here as both members get in. Kronik was a big time awesome tag team featuring two really great wrestlers in Bryan Clarke and Brian Adams. Clarke once wrestled under his real name of Adam Bomb in the WWF where they said he was radiated on three mile Island. This gave him bigtime size and strength and left him with yellow eyes and homoerotic tights. The rest of the people there just got radiation poisoning and cancer so Adam definitely lucked out. Brian Adams was known as Crush in the WWF because he liked to squish things for no reason ( me too!). He was also a HUGE pop music superstar under his real name in Canada , land that i love, belting out among other things the Robin Hood theme song in 1991 that still makes me cry when I hear it, and curse that Alan Rickman for every trying to force himself on that  sweet Maid Marion.  Anyways, they got together in WCW and called themselves Kronik although I have no idea why. Personally, I always thought they meant Kronik pain, because as my uncle barry once said they were really painful to watch in the ring which is a compliment I’m sure. My Friend Julius tried to tell me once that it had something to do with drugs but that can’t be. You can tell just by looking at him that Crush has never touched a drug in his life.

 

 

 

Giant Gonzalez: if you read my first ever column you'd see why he deserves to be inducted. He’s a real life LEGIT Giant and that’s good enough for me. (I mean his mom wouldn’t have given him the first name Giant if he wasn’t gonna grow up to be real tall).

Anyways, Giant Gonzalez was easily the best giant ever if only because he wore a fur suit. This alone makes him better than Andre who never had the luxury of wearing a pelt of any kind whatsoever. And it’s too bad too, 'cause I’m sure that’s what really killed him. Winters in the French Alps can be pretty unforgiving I’d assume, and a plaid sports coat prolly wouldn’t cut it. (And I know this well being from Saskatchewan and all, as I got frost bite bad one time and had to have my head amputated.).

 

 

Superfly Jimmy Snuka: Jimmy is already in the WWF Hall of Fame so this another big time accolade for him! Anyways some people on this site (who have sleazy French moustaches) will tell you that Superfly is a murderer, but it’s all LIES. There’s just no way Jimmy could ever kill his girlfriend. A thunderous headbutt? Maybe. A leapfrog and double chop to the esophagus? (named after the character on Sesame street, no doubt.): Most likely. But the death? I really doubt it. Heck, I doubt he’d even peel off a full superfly splash. But if he did kill her in warm blood as everyone claims, maybe he had his reasons. You know how couples are. Maybe she shrunk his tiger underwear or smashed some sort of exotic fruit over his head? (he seems to really hate this). Heck, maybe she was just a nag. “All you want to do is dive off cliffs and splash people! You don’t have time for me anymore!” You know that same old argument. But whatever. So what if he killed a defenseless woman? He was still real good at Cage matches and that’s all that matters.

 

 

Mabel: Today people know him as Viscera but to me he’ll always be Mabel, one half of maybe the most athletic team EVER, Men on a Mission! Heck, I even wanted to buy a giant pair of spandex purple mock overalls like his but I was never able to find them at Walmart. As a result ,I had to try and make them out of my mom’s bed spread but my sewing was a little questionable and I made a few tailoring mistakes and my dink would fall out a lot. Not good.

 

Anyways, Mabel was a master of the psychologocological warfare in the ring and would confuse his opponents by sweating a lot. To the untrained eye it would seem like he was just in incredibly poor shape and prolly near death but that was his GAME. Just when youd least expected it he'd get his 2nd wind and kinda flop on top of you for the win. Wow. Talk about good strategy. It was kinda like Muhammad Ali’s rope-a-dope only Mabel didn’t have the shaky Parkinsons.

 

 

 

Crocodile Mile: You run, you slide, you hit the bump, you take a dive! This is not a wrestler sure, but it’s BETTER. Its crocodile mile which to you American turds is prolly best known as “slip and slide.” I like ours better. At least it’s named after a dangerous animal (even if it should have been a moose) instead of something that sounds so faggoty. ( slip and slide… right into your asshole!). Anyways, this great wet tarp of my childhood brought me countless hours of fun and delight and I’m not ashamed to say I even had my first sexual encounter with one of the hose holes! Anyways, I thought it’d be fun last weekend to break out the old Crocodile Mile outta the shed and give’er for old time's sake. Unfortunately though, it’s still the dead of winter here in Canada and the water froze, creating a slick death trap and the icicles  pretty much cut Madison from chin to balls. It was kinda hilarious though. Stupid fat Madison.

 

The Patriot: Normally I’d never induct anything to do with yous filthy Americans but Patriot has earned my respect (and dare i say, my love.). I also loved his finishers The Uncle Slam (I wish my uncle was named something cool like that) and The Patriot Missile, which impressed your government SO MUCH that I'm convinced your armed forces eventually named a rocket after it! ( i heard they break down after only two good months of use, though. Weird.).

 

Anyways, Patriot’s biggest claim to fame is when President George Bush made the Patriot act which I’d assume has Del Wilkes himself going door to door looking for terrorists and slamming them from a Full Nelson position before selling the whole act to the guy who played Sal Sincere. That’s a plan we can all get behind I think.

 

Yanni: And as for my celebrity wing: I present Yanni. International music superstar!!!! Yanni’s music speaks to my soul and I’ve pretty much patterned much of my life after this timeless music Icon. (I even have a pretty swank moustache and hair helmet brewing). The outpour of love for Yanni is not just limited to God’s country of Saskatchewan but all the way to Yanni’s native Grease (named in honour of the musical) where he once sold out the famed Papadopoulos - an arena dating hundreds of years back, named after Emanuel Lewis’ dad George on Webster.)

 

Anyways, the only strike on Yanni would be that his people also invented butt fucking, but I won’t hold that against him or in him. After all, they do make the absolute best Submarine sandwiches on the planet; so from where I stand, melodious new age music and three slices of delicious smoked turkey on a zesty garlic bun > putting your dink in someone's ass, and thus earns Yanni a spot in the Hall Of Fame!!

 

 

Canadian Bacon: Who else would it be!? And don’t think I haven’t earned it either! Not only am I the newest TOP GUY on the internet, but I’m also the most inside guy you’ll ever meet (I once knew a guy who split a cab to the airport with Bad News Allen, so I think I know what I'm talking about.) So, I’ll take this honour and honour it with honour. Afterall I was  ROBBED of the Golden Tenay from the evil sean carless and his faggoty mop of hair and deserve something!

 
 

Send Feedback to Canadian Bacon 

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).