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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Thursday, May 20, 2007 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

 
Hello Baconfans and fans of Bacon, and fans of the Bacon Réport, I'm Bacon and this the Bacon Réport! Ya!!!111
 
Anyways, lots of yous guys are prolly wondering where ole Bacon has gone to, prolly mostly because without me you have no idea what to think about all the happenings in pro wrestling without my bigtime wisdom and knowledge even guiding you on the path to somewhere.
 
But fear no more, because as General Macarthur once proudly said, "I HAVE RETURNED!!!!111" Right after he asked where the shitter was because it was a really long boat ride to the Philippines!!!!
 
Anyways, sadly, it hasn't been too pleasant a last few months for your favourite writer in the universe, or better yet the whole world, Canadian Bacon. You see, AFTER ONCE AGAIN BEING ROBBED OF MY PRESTIGIOUS AND WELL DESERVED GOLDEN TENAY, I decided, rather than hire a secret assassin ( don't tell anyone) to kill that sean Carless and his faggoty mop of hair like I was originally planning, I should just take a well deserved vacation to my Winter Residence in the Netherlands Antilles instead, and decided the best way to go about this would be to take a cruise aboard my luxury liner the Mr. Beaumont.
 
Now, the bigtime problem happened when I opted to hire a MANSERVANT to join me on my journey to do all my important rich-guy tasks like iron my tear-way money suit, taunt minorities with my money and basketballs, and spit-polish the obscenely expensive Hundred dollar belt (65 Canadian dollars and climbing!). But problems arose when he actually had the nerve to take offense to having to wear the standard uniform of Manservants:  a cellophane vest , bow-tie and no shirt.  You know the UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED apparel of ALL manservants. Afteralls, if it was good enough for Virgil, it should be good enough for this joker! Because let's face it, HE WAS NO VIRGIL. But hey, who is?
 
Anyways, from there, he concocted a bigtime nefarious plan to try and hold me for ransom and drain my lucrative Baconcorp of all its funds and money even. But I held my ground (and penis; a habit from b4 I was born), because I have a great deal of monies tied up in creating Moosewater Saskatchewan's very own 100,000 seat arena to hopefully host Wrestlemania 25, that I've christened the Super-Duper Dome, and am determined to see it through!!!!1111 (hopefully, by this time in 2009, they'll be lying about our attendance, too! Fingers-Crossed!).
 
He of course didn't take too kindly to this, though, betraying me, his master, like Virgil once did, likely at the urging of Roddy Piper, and threw me overboard where his relatives were all waiting in a rubber dinghy to kidnap me or abduct me even! And if that wasn't bad enough, they soon said some really hurtful things about my posture that did a real number on my self-esteem! It was horrible.
 
Eventually though, I was taken to an unknown country (Cuba? I've never heard of it. Must be new) where I was forced to do Manual Labor. And after Manual fired me for not performing sexually to his satisfaction, ( I have a bafflingly lean penile) I worked for his brother Hector. Eventually though, I freed myself by digging an escape tunnel to the core of the earth (about 6 feet or so) and swam my way back home to Canada, land that I love, crossing 2 oceans in my quest (the same one twice actually). But it was really no big deal. Swimming is like a second language to me.
 
So, ya, I'm back now and finally free of slaviness, penises not of my person and actual physical labor. But not without consequence! My asshole, once a pristine area of worship, acted like a vacuum in mid-swim and consumed twenty pounds of sea water, weighing me down harsh and expanding my midriff and asscular region to that of a cartoon barrel or a Black woman on the WB -  but at least finally making my testicles look proprtioned to my body in comparison. (there's always a sliver lining, even for salt-water filled shit-vaults!).
 
But that said, I'm not finished with that sean Carless, the abductors , that guy who raped me of my dignity and ass-virginess, and even that Joe Merrick, who is an accessory (maybe a cummerbund or cuff links. I'm not sure) to the stealing of my awards. YOU WILL ALL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER. This I assure you. I trust him with your life. And he comes HIGHLY recommended. My cousin Madison retained his services when he was attacked by a Chupacabra while on vacation in Mexico, and he got him some bus fare home and one of those really awesome giant tortilla shell sombreros that you can fill with nachos and sour cream, so imagine what he'll do 4me, a LEGIT CANADIAN HERO. And the best part is, he has promised to it all Pro-Bono, (he loved Sonny & Cher), so I have no doubt I'll own this whole place by the end of the year and prolly even the Earth! 
Seriously, anyone who ends up with a law degree in only 6 months HAS TO BE REALLY REALLY SMART AT LAWYERING! Especially to graduate from an Ivy-league institution like the Ato Boldon Academy of Legal Studies and Track & Field in Trinidad and Tobago. They turn out the fastest lawyers you've never seen in your life. It's really quite amazing!
 
Anyways, now that we've squared all that away, and I've finally managed to stop the rectal bleeding, let's get to the Réport!!!1111
 
BACON

RÉPORT

NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW  STUFF

(05/20/07)

 
Once upon a time, Jim Ross used to have an awesome feature called the "Ross Report" where he tackled the biggest issues of the sport. Issues like spicy hickory Barbecue sauce, what appliances best resemble the varying limbs of the Big Show and what fruit could prolly fit inside his rings, and of course how you should build up your upperbody to really get into the hunt. You know, the truly important things. Unfortunately though, soon after, Mother Nature reeked bigtime chaos on his corn-chute and he had to step down to get his colon taken care of. (As I've said before, he now has a semi-colon).
 
THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!!11 You see, I picked up the slack where he left off (not rubber heads). And who better? I'm so INSIDE I could drolly tell you how long yous have to live (not long. Sorry) based on the condition of your disgusting internal organs! It's true! So I did what any really super important Internet legend would do in that situation: I filled his quota of BIGTIME INFORMATION. And why not? I once knew a guy who bought a ten-speed bicycle from preliminary wrestler Omar Atlas, so I think I know what I'm talking about! They don't call me the bestest wrestling journalist on earth for anything! So let's get to the Newsiness!
 

-There's been a lot of rumours going around lately about what caused the split between Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon -  and not like when they were born conjoined twins and they were connected by the head,  which is why Hulk Hogan is bald now! No! I'm talkin about what *actually* led to The Hulkster not being at Wrestlemania, dropping a leg (maybe for real this time) and saving the show and perhaps even lives like the time he dog-paddled us all to safety when Atlantic City fell into the ocean in 1988! 
 
People who are not the Baconman and thus dubious or untrustworthy even, have apparently claimed that the *actual* legit and real reason Hulk didn't appear at Wrestlemania was entirely because of WWE not giving him what he thought he was worth, and maybe even sending the same guy who cleaned up after Jimmy Snuka's girlfriend to do the same to Hulk's wife, Linda!  BUT THAT'S A BALD FACED LIE. NOT ONLY BALD FACED, BUT BALD HEADED, TOO, IN HONOUR OF HULK.
 
The *real* reason Hulk Hogan and WWE parted on bigtime bad terms was because Vince turned down Hulk's  request that his daughter Brooke attack legendary Diva of Divaness Urethra Franklin and BODYSLAM her on the spot at Wrestlemania to carry on the family tradition of slamming a 900 pound human being and killing them 3 days later! You know, as was instituted by Hulk 20 years before with memories eternally etched into the annals of time and not law books 4 murder! It's true!
 
- In a related story, Hulk, still peeved at WWE & Vince for Wrestlemania, (and I was really looking forward to Brooke tearing her shirt off, too), just went out and wrestled on his own show instead , where he was *supposed* to wrestle Jerry "The King" Lawler, because as I understand it, he caught Jerry openly masturbating to his 18 year old daughter in her dressing room closet while she changed clothes & penises! When pressed for answers, Jerry yelled out, "Hulk, I thought she was 14, I swear!" But the damage was done. As was Jerry. (the straps weren't the only thing pulled down apparently!!!111). 
 
The match was then called off! But don't fret Hulkamaniacs and secret incest-lovers & pedophiles, because Big Show  soon took Jerry Lawler's place, (except the masturbating part), renaming himself The Great Wight for legal reasons. (Rape maybe? Who'd be able to stop him?).
 
That said, I'm kinda disappointed in his new name,  because there was already a wrestling shark in John Tenta, and another famous man-eater  in the 70's who terrified young boys in swim trunks in Pat Patterson. Plus there's even already a really tall Giant with the nickname of 'Great' and that's Great Khali. You know, the 7 foot Great Khali? (That's why he wears baggy pants, to hide the other 5 feet he has.). It's just unoriginal. I'd have gone with Bigger Show myself. Just tell everyone you increased the budget of your show ( god, I hope it's a shadow puppet show; imagine the possibilities with those hands!). Silliness.
 
Anyways, Hulk and Wight had their match, I think, it was hard to tell sometimes, but the thing that struck me, that NO ONE else even bothered to follow up on, was when Big Show was at the Press Conference after, he claimed the REASON he would no longer be called "The Big Show" because that was, and I quote, his "slave name". YES. HIS SLAVE NAME!  I was surprised, too! But really when you think about it, whom better to help plow your cotton fields then a real-life legit Giant, even if you live in Connecticut and there's no farms/black ppl? Exactly.
 
Anyways, being completely disgusted and such momentarily, I decided to look into this matter further and found that Vince McMahon has a HISTORY of keeping Giants in bondage (Eww, Andre in one of those leather zipper masks! terrible!), and  then forcing them to do unpaid labour! The *only* one to escape was apparently Giant Gonzalez, who was snuck back to Argentina in the secret Underground Giant Railroad in 1994 ( I understand crossing the Gulf of Mexico was the tricky part).
 
Anyways, as it turns out, Big Show was originally forced into a life of slavery as he was getting into his car after a spirited Episode of Nitro, when suddenly he was ambushed by a bunch of men in powder blue blazers with WWF block logos, bound in chains (the DOA member), and exported by ship to Stamford!  It was horrible.
 
Fortunately, sometime around 2003, President Bush emancipated ALL the Giants and forbid all really big slavery. But Giants still had their issues. I understand to this day, former WWE stars Kurrgan & Giant Silva have yet to receive their 40 acres and a mule (personally beaten by Jim Ross!!!!1). In fact, to this day, there's even still extreme prejudice against Giants, and not just forcing them into extreme elimination chambers neither. In fact, apparently last year, there was an incident where Big Show blatantly refused to sit at the back of HHH's luxury bus. But just like Rosa La Parka is the 60's (The famous luchador's grandmother, I understand), he stood steadfast and gained new ground for the Giant movement! (which is huge! like a russet potato made of chocolate!). Awesome! 
 
So, Gigantic hat's off to him!  And congratulations Paul Wight on your freedom!!!111
 
-Sabu was released this week. From where? I don't know. Most likely a cage just to be safe since he's homicidal and genocidal and all. The good news though is despite still harboring the latter tendencies, he's no longer that Suicidal! I heard from a reliable source that he gave up trying after botching a suicide attempt 4 times in a row. (he kept missing the noose he was trying to triple-jump moonsault his neck into. He then just threw a chair at someone's face and called it a day.). Good thinking.
 
-From my sources backstage at WWE, that I promised not to reveal as Mike Bucci, Carlito is suffering from what I understand is NUCLEAR HEAT. Now, I'm no doctor (although I am tremendously good at Operation), but I think they're implying that Carlito is suffering from a very rare form of RADIATION POISONING. Yes, really! You know, much like Bryan Clarke in the early 1990's that made him become ADAM BOMB and lose every match for 2 years?
 
Now the good news is Carlito is only in Stage 1. (Stage 2 is yellow and red contact-lens-like eyes; and Stage 3 is the worst...the urge to throw tiny nuclear bomb-shaped footballs to small children in the audience.). Anyways, the WWE is going to run with the radiation for now, giving him a new character called "Carlito Caribbean Cold-Fusion" from the  beautiful Three Mile Islands in Puerto Rico.  His new catchphrase will now be: "He spits blood in the face of people who don't want be cool! ...mostly because his vital internal organs are shutting down." Sounds like an AWESOME gimmick to me. Good luck with your new push & subsequent cancer, Carlito!!1111
 
- This just in! As of last Sunday, TNA has been officially stripped of any and all affiliation with the NWA. About time. I never felt that Jeff Jarrett quite fit in with Ice Cube and Dr. Dre! (although, I'd LOVE to see a drive-by guitaring!!!). Smart decision if you ask me!
 
-A couple of months ago, Glen "Disco Inferno" Gilbertti was busted in Georgia (since when do they have Discos there?) as part of a gambling ring. Anyways, Disco's lawyer tried to get him an Insanity plea stating that he had a big time condition known as "Disco Fever" (he was bitten by a rabid John Travolta in 1978 and given secret gay AIDS so says his attorney), but Harold T. Stone, the judge presiding the case didn't buy it for a second, even after Gilbertti cut a surprisingly complicated dance number and presented his surprise witnesses: the plastic Disco Duck from WCW in 2000 and a list of his booking ideas. Even after that, the judge STILL refused to accept his  obvious insanity, saying the following:
 
 "You're so cocky. You're so cool. You're just a disco-dancing fool. All those bodies, on the floor, you kept on screaming you wanted more, more, more, more."
 
 Words to really take to heart and prolly pretend never existed a long w/ Hugh Morris, Buzz-Kill and Jerry Flynn's Block. Definitely.
 
- WWE went on a bigtime rampage of  firings today, starting with Scotty 2 Hotty (whose testicle was already cut in 2004 apparently). Scotty was last seen hopping on one foot as he exited titan tower while the sad Hulk music played in the background. Heartbreaking!!!111
 
Also let go was Vito, and all before his highly touted Playgirl spread was released too! What gives?!  (his head looks like a penis, so I can only imagine what the real deal looks like? Max Schreck maybe?). That said, I have no idea what this means for its bigtime release without WWE's publicity machine (they built it in 1997 with the money they saved from screwing Bret Hart) backing it. What a shame. Poor Vito. From what I understand there was great anticipation in the Ork community for it's impending release!

-And last but not least, WWE has cut Ariel. Yes, cut!!111 Why anyone would want to slice a beautiful woman like Ariel, I have no idea. (maybe they were trying to stake her? I heard Batista's been trying to impale her with something for a while, but she keeps escaping!). But the good news is, she's a vampire, so the wound closed right over immediately just like her breast implant scars & replacement nipples!!!!!
 
Anyways, she's no longer with the company, but I just heard from my source, Steven Richards, who wishes to remain anonymous, that IT'S A BIG TIME COVER-UP. Worse then the time Mr. Kennedy was shot and killed by a 2nd shooter (Dean Malenko?) on the grassy gnome. Apparently she actually died when she had a bite of Santino Marella's lunch which as it turns out was gabagool, and SHE BURST INTO FLAMES AND DIED RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT thanks to the painfully stereotypical and misspelled lunch! Santino then yelled out, "That's a spicy a-meat-a-ball!" and twirled an imaginary mustache before being reminded he's not really from Italy. (she's still dead, though.).
 
 Man. What a tragedy. They really need to keep all the vampires and garlic-laden Italians separate in this company! It's a powder keg ...filled with delicious pastas & cured meats!
 
And speaking of tragedies, my insidey insiders are telling me that for some reason Kevin Thorn is absolutely terrified of wrestling at the outdoor Citrus Bowl for Wrestlemania 24 next year, begging anyone who'll listen that his match HAS to take place indoors or at least around 9:00 pm. Weird. Oh! and speaking of Kevin Thorn the vampire, I recently added him as a friend on My Space, (we met at a Bite Club here in Saskatchewan where I had reluctant sex with him and still remained mortal- strange) , and I encouraged him, in order to fit in, to take a standard camera-phone My Space mirror pic for his page. This is the one he sent me:
 
 
Weird!!!!
 
Anyways , while still on the topic of Kevin Thorn and such, and with Ariel apparently incinerated like Kirsten Dunst in Interview in the Vampire, except her implants which were added post-nosferatu, (my favorite Headshrinker), WWE is thinking of actually taking away Kevin Thorn's vampireyness altogether - and I'm not talking about killing the one who made him....Dave Lagana...who then insisted he blow him in a toilet stall so he could  maybe one day win the ECW title! If you're in the know of all dark forces and mysticism like the ol' Baconman here (I once accidentally opened a hell gate, it wasn't pretty!), you'd know that obviously there's ONLY ONE OTHER WAY to really get rid of this disease: Put Kris Kristofferson on WWE payroll and have him administer daily Anti-vampire shots to Kevin to keep the inner Nosferatu at bay like the only other real-life vampire, Blade! IT'S THE ONLY WAY. Although, it might kinda sorta ostracize Kevin in the locker room. He would after all be the only dude there to regularly use a needle and give himself secret injections when the office wasn't watching! They wouldn't be able to relate. It'd prolly be awkward for everybody!
 
-Gregory Helms, who gave up his super powers like 2 years ago, has apparently suffered a serious neck injury! Ouch! And while I love Helms like the brother I never met because I never had one, I can't say I'm surprised. THAT'S THE PRICE OF MORTALITY, GREGORY HELMS! He knew what he was in for when he stepped into that pod that takes away all your superpowers like in Superman 2. HE KNEW. Only unlike Superman, who at least did so to be with the woman he loved because his super dick would prolly make her cunt explode (If his breath can blow over a car imagine what his Kryptonian cum could do?! ANARCHY!), Gregory only did it so he can wear hip-hop clothing and a condom-like little black hat.  IT'S DISRESPECTFUL to super heroes. Dressing urban is no excuse for disbanding your hero responsibilities! I understand that Clark Kent always had a desperate yearning to wear backwards pants like Kriss Kross in 1992, BUT HE DID NOT DO IT, because with great responsibility comes powers of greatness or something.
 
Anyways, the mortal Helms will prolly be having that surgery soon. Something called neck fusion, which, if my advanced knowledge of the medicular field means anything, (and it means EVERYTHING), I'm assuming means he's being attached at the head to another human being to help him get around while he heals up (hopefully faster than that Professor X).
 
Good luck, Gregory anyway. And maybe apologize to your redneck Kryptonian father, Bobby Joe-Rel. If he's as merciful as legends persist, he'll find a way to give back our bigtime powers and get you out of this mortal funk! (i'm looking forward to when Hurricane returns to normal & gives that mean bully trucker in that Alaskan Diner a SHINING WIZARD~!).
 
-Just in! WWE apparently is selling WWE brand YARMULKES. Wow! I guess this means they made up with God, after all! And here I thought God prolly had a surprise ace (not Bob Orton, although that'd be cool) up his otherworldly sleeve, and would REALLY END THE WORLD at Judgment Day, before a booming voice yelled "THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO NOT GIVE ME MY FAIR CUT OF A PAY-PER-VIEW GATE!". But it looks like that won't happen. I guess there was a few souls left in the guff after all.
 
Anyways, the thing that kinda is stupid about this though (and the only thing) is that WWE spelled "Yarmulke" wrong in the ad. Man, how about some respect? The Hebes deserve so much better than WWE making light of their silly little church beanies. SHOW SOME CLASS. That said though, I think this opens the door for some really great other Jewish WWE merchandise. Merchandise like the Kane Menorah!!!! You just pump your arms and like all the candles ignite at once! GENIUS! And how about a John Cena custom Dreidel spinner? DECKED OUT WITH GOLD AND BLING, because if I know my Bible (or the Ford Taurus as our Jewish friends call it), I know that God really digs it when people stick gold on objects pertaining to religion! Some people will tell you that he really hates it, but if that was really the case all the time, you'd think that God would be more angry at those wisemen for bringing Gold along with the Mer-men and Frankenberry to his son Jesus' first birthday party!
 
So, I think I speak for no one when I say: KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, WWE! And maybe release some Hindu merchandise next! I'd think it'd be wicked cool to see that one dude with all the arms wearing like 12 John Cena wristbands at once, JUST BECAUSE HE CAN!!!!!11 AWESOME!!!
 
-Random Fact to make you like a Baker's dozen times smarter!:  Did you know in the 1340's the Black Machismo wiped out 2/3rds of Europe? It's true! Rats were suspected. Prolly those ones you see in the front row at every TNA Show! Those dirty whores!
 
-Thanks to The Condemned doing terribly and being pulled from almost every theater on Earth except the one's prolly still playing the Wicker Man, WWE is thinking of doing Straight to DVD releases instead of Theater releases from now on. But don't fret! I AM DOING MY PART TO SWAY THIS BAFFLING DECISION!!! I am currently holding a showing at my theater (The Bacon-Mann's Chinese Theater) in downtown Moosewater this weekend with tickets priced at $500,000 a pop! And if all goes as planned, (and I have no reason to believe it won't),  WWE will almost break even by Monday morning!
 
-Speaking of movies, in honour of the movie Grindhouse, former WWE Superstar Zach Gowen will be returning to the company with an AK-47 lodged in his stumphole! True story! He will then use it to propel HIMSELF down another flight of stairs just like in 2003! AWESOME!!!111
 
- Vince McMahon has received an honorary doctorate from Sacred Heart University in Fairfield Connecticut. So he's now a LEGITIMATE DOCTOR,like Tom Prichard and Steve Williamd b4 him. So he can officially be called as such when performing complicated surgeries involving pulling various plastic objects from fake assholes! It's now OFFICIAL.
 
But according to my bigtime source (who once bummed a cigarette off of original ECW FBI member JT Smith so don't doubt his credentials) THERE IS MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE HERE. (and not in the cool transformers way that maybe sees Vince COMBINE with 5 other muscley guys to form one GIANT one). You see, Vince has an ulterior motive for becoming a DOCTOR: That being CLONING!!!! And not just splicing the genetics of Randy Orton and Heidenreich to create Daniel Rodimer neither and prolly the 28 other guys with tribal tats and crew cuts in OVW! I'm talking about freaky genetic experimentation the likes not seen anywhere but the movies!!!!..only REAL. I think! 
 
By now, we've all heard of ECW being a "NEW BREED UNLEASHED", right? well, it's now LITERALLY the case! Why do you think Mr. McMahon has taken a sudden obsession with ECW? The awesomely unexpected hardcore disqualifications? The edgy dancing to Justin Timberlake songs not seen since the glory days of the night the line was crossed? NO. It goes deeper than that. (kinda like Johnny Ace's penis into Kelly Kelly in exchange for tv time!). You see, Vince, in an effort to splice Bobby Lashley with charisma (experiments that have sadly failed thus far), eventually began breeding a race of hybrid CAT MEN not seen since the Island of Dr. Moreau!!!111 I'm serious! Why do you think Monty Brown is on that brand? And wears CHEETAH UNDERWEAR? HELLO?! Come on! Am I the only one who's terrified?!!!
 
-Speaking of Vince, he recently gave a phone conference call to shareholders and perverts where he had some really interesting and memorable things to say, but I forgot most of them. I do remember him saying that they're not interested in getting into MMA though and such, mostly because in MMA, guys who actually have talent and are good at their profession have to get the pushes or something like that, and that if they lose one fight or get knocked out that they won't be worth anything anymore and that's the reason why we won't ever see John Cena lose again. I think. It's all a blur.
 
 Oh ya, he was then asked who would be taking over after he's dead, and he said that there's a good chance that if your last name is McMahon or Lévesque you have a good shot. And I have to say this is GREAT news for my 2nd cousin Mario Lévesque from Quebec. Here's your shot, Mario! Make the most of it!
 
-Breaking News!!!!! I've just heard from a reliable source (me, actually. I've never let me down before, so I trust me) that Smackdown announcer Michael Cole was busted in a bigtime prostitution sting! (not that Sting. He's a christian and doesn't fuck for money... just for procreation!). Cole's addicted to whores apparently! (and who isn't!?-  The trick is murdering them b4 you pay and then sneaking out b4 the pimp finds out!).  Who'd have thunk it, though? Especially after his rape at the hands (and penis) of Heidenreich in 2005! I thought he'd be ruined after that - kinda like Cole ruined Wrestlemania this year.
 
Anyways, when pressed for an explanation of his actions, he insisted that he has never paid for full intercourse of any kind, and just likes to get a little "skull" from the ladies! Weird!
 
-This just in, I've heard from my sources that this Sunday at Judgment Day, there's a good chance someone is walking out with the WWE Championship between John Cena and the Great Khali! Holy cow! (which he worships!). Take this for what it's worth!
 
- And finally, by now we've all heard about Randy Orton smashing up that Hotel room and killing those prostitutes (maybe you didn't hear about that part. Thanks, Johnny Ace!). Turns out he couldn't get the Mini-fridge open so he put it in a headlock until authorities arrived, and they couldn't get him to release it/vary his offense no matter how many times they pleaded. TERRIBLE. 
 
Anyways, not much has been heard about Randy's bigtime punishment for destroying the hotel room. UNTIL NOW. That's right. Turns out Randy's punishment is gonna be a whole new image makeover! It's true! Originally, they were going to paint him all brown, and rename him Hanky Orton, and he'd make his entrance by emerging from a big inflatable gym-bag ( kinda like MVP's entrance), but then they scrapped that one because Vince felt there were already far too many shit wrestlers in ECW  or something and it'd just go to confuse the other show's audiences. Too bad. 
 
Anyways, the one they ultimately went with is definitely one that'll break Orton's spirit/asshole - or MAKE SHITTING WAY MORE EASIER (The next turds in bags will be the size of Cheshire cats!). I'm of course talking about a A GIMMICK OF PURE FAGGOTRY (the technical term for the medicular condition known as homosexuality) under the name Randy Often. It's true. And if he's not careful, soon it won't even be ladies who collect these kinds of totally straight pictures and he'll end up being a total favorite of the Gay community to boot - which is apparently illegal to do! Even with soft-soled shoes on! Live and learn! And speaking of that, someone needs to tell me what street this  gay community is on so I don't accidentally move there!!!!).
 
 Okay, that's it for the totally real legit true-life News. Let's move on to this month's edition of Ask Bacon!!!! The only place where you can get the tough questions to the hard answers you're looking for!
 
ASK BACON
Answers from the Man himself (That's me!)
 
Dear Baconman, my question is about CM Punk since I haven't seen it explained anywhere else. Was there ever a real reason given for why CM Punk joined the New Breed and turned on the Originals? and more so than that, what the hell was the reason for Punk turning back? I just don't get it.
 
Signed Jeff in Tallahassee.
 
Answer: No it was never revealed. But since I know everything (Like did you Bruiser Brody was actually MURDERED when they found him stabbed to death? Weird but TRUE) I'll be happy to answer your question. You see, Punk turned against the Originals after he walked in on Rob Van Dam and saw him turn a 2 litre bottle of his beloved Pepsi into a makeshift bong. It's true!!!!
 
As for why he turned back, well, he had a falling out with member Matt Striker who kept taking Punk's Straight Edge (He's into Architecture and City planning) to go teach a geometry class. It really escalated from there.
 
Yo, Bacon, is CM Punk's Straight edge lifestyle really a work or what? I can't imagine him not getting shit for not drinking with the boys.
 
Unsigned.
 
Answer: Again with the Punk questions? Anyways, I have no doubt that Punk really does love to measure things with his straightedge, so I have no reason to doubt the legitimacy of it. As for the drinking with boys? No way. He's not a pedophile as far as I know  and his only addiction is COMPETITION. And sadly it's one of the more destructive vices out there. It's true. I have a good friend who got HOOKED on competition and addicted even, in his last year of University thanks to all the pressure. And soon it consumed his life completely. We tried to get him bigtime help but he just wouldn't listen. Sadly, his dependency on competition lead to his death two years ago. Well, sorta. He was hit by a car while wrestling in the middle of the street. Close enough.
 
Baconman, maybe you answer this one for me. Why did Mike Awesome kill himself?
 
Bill M. Hamilton, Ont.
 
Answer: Because you touch yourself at night. That and prolly depression. I'm kinda sorta leaning towards the first though.
 
Bacon, here's my question: What do you think of ROH? Any favorites?
 
Chris F. New York, New York.
 
Answer: Yes, and yes. I like that one skinny guy with the buzz cut and the uncomfortably small trunks. I'm also partial to the one shorter guy with the kickpads. You know the guy. Hope that helps!!!
 
Dear Bacon, what's the real story with Pat Patterson being named the first Intercontinental Champion in "Rio de Janeiro"?
Sally, Providence, RI.
 
Answer: Huh? Story? There's no story. Just a GRUELING one night tournament. I still don't understand why there's like no footage of the event anywhere. Man. I really need to get out to Rio de Janeiro, they seem to get all the important matches/cocaine!
 
Canadian Bacon. I have question about the Bashams who just debuted in TNA, I think they have a tremendous upside, what do you think? And do you think they have what it takes to make their mark now that they're no longer being constantly held down in WWE?
 
Geoff, Leeds, England.
 
Answer: Tremendous upside? My god I hope you're not talking about their penises. That's just upsetting even for a fan of penises (mine) like I am. In fact, sometimes b4 masturbating I like to pretend it's giving a cello concert to a packed house and then someone yells, "give this penis a hand!" and I do, with my hand. On my penis.
 
 As for liking them. I really like the one guy. You know that bald one, with the pleathery pants I think and the questionable charisma? That guy who had that weak single's push on his brand's b-show no one watches? I want to say his first name starts with a "D" but I can't really remember. The other guy? I don't really care for him at all. Oh! And the reason they were being constantly held down as you put it is because they lose a lot of matches. That's how wrestling pinfalls work, silly!
 
Dear Bacon-man
What are the Nitro girls doing now?
Unsigned.
 
Answer: Prolly Kevin Nash.
All I know is Kimberly left DDP a couple of years ago, legit taking 6 million of his monies and this time not sharing it with Brutus Beefcake no matter how sexy he danced/wrestled awkwardly. Apparently she got bigtime tired of DDP always transitioning everything into a Diamond Cutter. Like one time she was feeling blue and needed a hug, so he gave her one then when she let go he grabbed her arm and spun her into a Diamond Cutter, yelling out, "BANG!... It can come from ANYWHERE!"  And after it happened around the 300th time, she just gave up on the marriage.  (This is also the *real* reason DDP took up yoga. He'll never need a woman again if u catch my drift (HE CAN SUCK HIS OWN COCK!!!!111)).
 
Okay, that's it for the really gay questions this week.  If YOU would like to ASK BACON SOMETHING, email him right HERE and I'll get back to you when I want!
 
That was Kinda awesome. I'm back, baby! And it feels so good. Almost as good as typin a whole column commando (Check that off my list!). Man, it's good to be back seriously!!!! It just seems like 2 years ago I started writing here and never spellchecked anything ever. Man times flies when you're kinda sorta awesome!
 
Ok, Baconfans, that's it for yer ole pal the Baconman in this colossally awesome gigantic return column of gigantic awesomeness. Until next time when I bring Sexy back ( I was all set to bring it back tonight but unfortunately had it confiscated by customs at the airport), I'm Canadian bacon.jpgBacon, you're kinda sorta not, and you can consider this column  better than anything Joe Merrick's ever done, finished. Oh!!!!!111 I almost forgot:
 
Consider this Bacon Brought!
 
-CB.
 

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).