-There's been a lot
of rumours going around lately about what caused
the split between Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon -
and not like when they were born conjoined twins and
they were connected by the head, which is why
Hulk Hogan is bald now! No! I'm talkin about what
*actually* led to The
Hulkster not being at Wrestlemania, dropping a leg
(maybe for real this time) and saving the show and
perhaps even lives like the time he dog-paddled us all
to safety when Atlantic City fell into the ocean in
1988!
People who are not the
Baconman and thus dubious or untrustworthy
even, have apparently claimed that the *actual*
legit and real reason Hulk didn't appear at
Wrestlemania was entirely because of WWE not giving him
what he thought he was worth, and maybe even sending the
same guy who cleaned up after Jimmy Snuka's
girlfriend to do the same to Hulk's
wife, Linda! BUT THAT'S A
BALD FACED LIE. NOT ONLY BALD FACED, BUT BALD HEADED,
TOO, IN HONOUR OF HULK.
The *real* reason Hulk
Hogan and WWE parted on bigtime bad terms was because
Vince turned down Hulk's request that his
daughter Brooke attack legendary Diva of Divaness
Urethra Franklin and BODYSLAM her on
the spot at Wrestlemania to carry on the family
tradition of slamming a 900 pound human being and
killing them 3 days later! You know, as was
instituted by Hulk 20 years before with memories
eternally etched into the annals of time and not law
books 4 murder! It's true!
- In a related
story, Hulk, still peeved at WWE & Vince for
Wrestlemania, (and I was really looking forward to
Brooke tearing her shirt off, too), just went out and
wrestled on his own show instead , where he was
*supposed* to wrestle Jerry "The King" Lawler, because
as I understand it, he caught Jerry openly masturbating
to his 18 year old daughter in her dressing room closet
while she changed clothes & penises! When
pressed for answers, Jerry yelled out,
"Hulk, I thought she was 14, I swear!"
But the damage was done. As was
Jerry. (the straps weren't the only thing
pulled down apparently!!!111).
The match was
then called off! But don't fret Hulkamaniacs
and secret incest-lovers & pedophiles, because
Big Show soon took Jerry
Lawler's place, (except the masturbating
part), renaming himself The Great
Wight for legal reasons. (Rape maybe?
Who'd be able to stop him?).
That said, I'm
kinda disappointed in his new name, because
there was already a wrestling shark in John Tenta,
and another famous man-eater in the 70's
who terrified young boys in swim trunks in Pat
Patterson. Plus there's even already a really tall Giant with
the nickname of 'Great' and that's Great
Khali. You know, the 7 foot Great Khali? (That's
why he wears baggy pants, to hide the other 5 feet he
has.). It's just unoriginal. I'd have gone with
Bigger Show myself. Just tell everyone you
increased the budget of your show ( god, I hope it's
a shadow puppet show; imagine the possibilities
with those hands!). Silliness.
Anyways, Hulk
and Wight had their match, I think, it was
hard to tell sometimes, but the thing that struck
me, that NO ONE else even bothered to follow up on, was
when Big Show was at the Press Conference after, he
claimed the REASON he would no longer be called
"The Big Show" because that was, and I quote,
his "slave name". YES. HIS SLAVE
NAME! I was surprised, too! But really when
you think about it, whom better to help plow your cotton
fields then a real-life legit Giant, even if you live in
Connecticut and there's no farms/black
ppl? Exactly.
Anyways, being
completely disgusted and such momentarily, I decided to
look into this matter further and found that Vince
McMahon has a HISTORY of
keeping Giants in bondage (Eww, Andre in one of those
leather zipper masks! terrible!), and then
forcing them to do unpaid labour! The *only* one to
escape was apparently Giant Gonzalez, who was snuck
back to Argentina in the secret Underground Giant
Railroad in 1994 ( I understand crossing the Gulf of
Mexico was the tricky part).
Anyways, as it turns
out, Big Show was originally forced into a life
of slavery as he was getting into his car
after a spirited Episode of Nitro, when
suddenly he was ambushed by a bunch of men in
powder blue blazers with WWF block logos,
bound in chains (the DOA member), and exported
by ship to Stamford! It was horrible.
Fortunately, sometime
around 2003, President Bush emancipated ALL the Giants and forbid all really big slavery. But Giants
still had their issues. I understand to this
day, former WWE stars Kurrgan & Giant Silva have yet
to receive their 40 acres and a mule (personally beaten
by Jim Ross!!!!1). In fact, to this day, there's
even still extreme prejudice against Giants,
and not just forcing them into extreme elimination
chambers neither. In fact, apparently last year,
there was an incident where Big Show blatantly refused to sit at the back of HHH's
luxury bus. But just like Rosa La
Parka is the 60's (The famous luchador's
grandmother, I understand), he stood steadfast and
gained new ground for the Giant movement!
(which is huge! like a russet potato made of
chocolate!). Awesome!
So, Gigantic hat's off
to him! And congratulations Paul Wight on your
freedom!!!111
-Sabu was released this
week. From where? I don't know. Most likely a cage just
to be safe since he's homicidal and genocidal and all.
The good news though is despite still harboring the
latter tendencies, he's no longer that Suicidal! I heard
from a reliable source that he gave up trying after
botching a suicide attempt 4 times in a row. (he kept
missing the noose he was trying to triple-jump moonsault
his neck into. He then just threw a chair at
someone's face and called it a day.). Good
thinking.
-From my sources
backstage at WWE, that I promised not to reveal as Mike
Bucci, Carlito is suffering from what I understand is
NUCLEAR HEAT. Now, I'm no doctor
(although I am tremendously good at Operation), but I
think they're implying that Carlito is suffering from a
very rare form of RADIATION
POISONING. Yes, really! You know, much like
Bryan Clarke in the early 1990's that made him become
ADAM BOMB and lose every match for 2
years?
Now the good news
is Carlito is only in Stage 1. (Stage 2 is yellow and
red contact-lens-like eyes; and Stage 3 is the
worst...the urge to throw tiny nuclear bomb-shaped
footballs to small children in the audience.). Anyways,
the WWE is going to run with the radiation for now,
giving him a new character called "Carlito
Caribbean Cold-Fusion" from the beautiful Three Mile Islands in Puerto
Rico. His new catchphrase will now be:
"He spits blood in the face of people who
don't want be cool! ...mostly because his vital internal
organs are shutting down." Sounds like an AWESOME
gimmick to me. Good luck with your new push &
subsequent cancer,
Carlito!!1111
- This just in! As of
last Sunday, TNA has been officially stripped
of any and all affiliation with the NWA. About
time. I never felt that Jeff Jarrett quite fit in with
Ice Cube and Dr. Dre! (although, I'd LOVE to see a
drive-by guitaring!!!). Smart decision if you ask
me!
-A couple of months ago,
Glen "Disco Inferno" Gilbertti was
busted in Georgia (since when do they have Discos
there?) as part of a gambling ring. Anyways,
Disco's lawyer tried to get him an Insanity
plea stating that he had a big time condition
known as "Disco Fever" (he was bitten by a rabid John
Travolta in 1978 and
given secret gay AIDS so says his
attorney), but Harold T. Stone, the judge presiding the
case didn't buy it for a second, even after Gilbertti
cut a surprisingly complicated dance number and
presented his surprise witnesses: the plastic Disco Duck
from WCW in 2000 and a list of his booking ideas. Even
after that, the judge STILL refused to accept
his obvious insanity, saying the
following:
"You're so cocky. You're so cool. You're just a
disco-dancing fool. All those bodies, on the floor, you
kept on screaming you wanted more, more, more,
more."
Words to
really take to heart and prolly pretend never existed a
long w/ Hugh Morris, Buzz-Kill and Jerry Flynn's Block.
Definitely.
- WWE went on a
bigtime rampage of firings today, starting
with Scotty 2 Hotty (whose testicle was already cut in
2004 apparently). Scotty was last seen hopping on one
foot as he exited titan tower while the sad Hulk music played in the
background. Heartbreaking!!!111
Also let go was Vito,
and all before his highly touted Playgirl spread was
released too! What gives?! (his head
looks like a penis, so I can only imagine what the real
deal looks like? Max Schreck maybe?). That said,
I have no idea what
this means for its bigtime release without WWE's
publicity machine (they built it in 1997 with the
money they saved from screwing Bret Hart) backing it.
What a shame. Poor Vito. From what I understand there
was great anticipation in the Ork community for
it's impending release!
-And last but not
least, WWE has cut Ariel. Yes, cut!!111 Why anyone would
want to slice a beautiful woman like Ariel, I have no
idea. (maybe they were trying to stake her? I heard
Batista's been trying to impale her with something for a
while, but she keeps escaping!). But the good news
is, she's a vampire, so the wound closed right over
immediately just like her breast implant scars &
replacement nipples!!!!!
Anyways, she's no longer
with the company, but I just heard from my source,
Steven Richards, who wishes to remain anonymous, that
IT'S A BIG TIME COVER-UP. Worse then
the time Mr. Kennedy was shot and killed by a 2nd
shooter (Dean Malenko?) on the grassy gnome. Apparently
she actually died when she had a bite of Santino
Marella's lunch which as it turns out was gabagool, and
SHE BURST INTO FLAMES AND DIED RIGHT THERE
ON THE SPOT thanks to the painfully
stereotypical and misspelled lunch! Santino
then yelled out, "That's a spicy a-meat-a-ball!" and
twirled an imaginary mustache before being reminded he's
not really from Italy. (she's still dead,
though.).
Man.
What a tragedy. They really need to keep all the
vampires and garlic-laden Italians separate in this
company! It's a powder keg ...filled with delicious
pastas & cured meats!
And speaking of
tragedies, my insidey insiders are telling me that for
some reason Kevin Thorn is absolutely
terrified of wrestling at the outdoor Citrus Bowl
for Wrestlemania 24 next year, begging anyone who'll
listen that his match HAS to take place indoors
or at least around 9:00 pm. Weird. Oh! and speaking
of Kevin Thorn the vampire, I recently added him as a
friend on My Space, (we met at a Bite Club here in
Saskatchewan where I had reluctant sex with
him and still remained mortal- strange) , and I
encouraged him, in order to fit in, to take a standard
camera-phone My Space mirror pic for his page. This is
the one he sent me:
Weird!!!!
Anyways ,
while still on the topic of Kevin Thorn and such,
and with Ariel apparently incinerated like Kirsten
Dunst in Interview in the Vampire, except her implants
which were added post-nosferatu, (my favorite
Headshrinker), WWE is thinking of actually
taking away Kevin Thorn's vampireyness altogether -
and I'm not talking about killing the one who made
him....Dave Lagana...who then insisted he blow him
in a toilet stall so he could maybe one day
win the ECW title! If you're in the know of all dark
forces and mysticism like the ol' Baconman here (I once
accidentally opened a hell gate, it wasn't pretty!),
you'd know that obviously there's ONLY ONE
OTHER WAY to really get rid of this
disease: Put Kris Kristofferson on WWE payroll and have
him administer daily Anti-vampire shots to Kevin to
keep the inner Nosferatu at bay like the only
other real-life vampire, Blade! IT'S
THE ONLY WAY. Although, it might kinda sorta
ostracize Kevin in the locker room. He would after all
be the only dude there to regularly use a
needle and give himself secret injections when the
office wasn't watching! They wouldn't be able to relate.
It'd prolly be awkward for everybody!
-Gregory
Helms, who gave up his super powers like 2 years ago,
has apparently suffered a serious neck injury! Ouch! And
while I love Helms like the brother I never met because
I never had one, I can't say I'm surprised. THAT'S THE PRICE OF MORTALITY, GREGORY
HELMS! He knew what he was in for when he stepped
into that pod that takes away all your superpowers like
in Superman 2. HE KNEW. Only unlike
Superman, who at least did so to be with the woman he
loved because his super dick would prolly make her
cunt explode (If his breath can blow over a car
imagine what his Kryptonian cum could do?! ANARCHY!),
Gregory only did it so he can wear hip-hop clothing and
a condom-like little black hat. IT'S DISRESPECTFUL
to super heroes. Dressing urban is no excuse for
disbanding your hero responsibilities! I understand that
Clark Kent always had a desperate yearning to wear
backwards pants like Kriss Kross in 1992, BUT HE DID NOT
DO IT, because with great responsibility comes powers of
greatness or something.
Anyways, the
mortal Helms will prolly be having that surgery
soon. Something called neck fusion, which, if my
advanced knowledge of the medicular field means
anything, (and it means EVERYTHING), I'm assuming
means he's being attached at the head to another
human being to help him get around while he heals up
(hopefully faster than that Professor X).
Good luck,
Gregory anyway. And maybe apologize to your redneck
Kryptonian father, Bobby Joe-Rel. If he's as
merciful as legends persist, he'll find a way
to give back our bigtime powers and get you
out of this mortal funk! (i'm looking forward
to when Hurricane returns to normal
& gives that mean bully trucker in that
Alaskan Diner a SHINING WIZARD~!).
-Just
in! WWE apparently is selling WWE brand YARMULKES. Wow! I guess this means they made up with God,
after all! And here I thought God prolly had a surprise
ace (not Bob Orton, although that'd be cool) up his
otherworldly sleeve, and would REALLY END THE WORLD at
Judgment Day, before a booming voice yelled
"THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO NOT GIVE ME MY FAIR CUT OF A
PAY-PER-VIEW GATE!". But it looks like that won't
happen. I guess there was a few souls left in the guff
after all.
Anyways, the thing that kinda is stupid about
this though (and the only thing) is that WWE spelled
"Yarmulke" wrong in the ad. Man, how about some respect?
The Hebes deserve so much better than WWE making light
of their silly little church beanies. SHOW SOME CLASS.
That said though, I think this opens the door for some
really great other Jewish WWE merchandise. Merchandise
like the Kane Menorah!!!! You just pump your arms and
like all the candles ignite at once! GENIUS! And how
about a John Cena custom Dreidel spinner? DECKED
OUT WITH GOLD AND BLING, because if I know my Bible
(or the Ford Taurus as our Jewish friends call it),
I know that God really digs it when people stick gold on
objects pertaining to religion! Some people will tell
you that he really hates it, but if that was
really the case all the time, you'd think that God
would be more angry at those wisemen for bringing Gold
along with the Mer-men and Frankenberry to his son
Jesus' first birthday party!
So, I
think I speak for no one when I say: KEEP
UP THE GOOD WORK, WWE! And maybe release some
Hindu merchandise next! I'd think it'd be wicked cool to
see that one dude with all the arms wearing like 12 John
Cena wristbands at once, JUST BECAUSE HE CAN!!!!!11
AWESOME!!!
-Random Fact to make
you like a Baker's dozen times smarter!: Did
you know in the 1340's the Black Machismo wiped out
2/3rds of Europe? It's true! Rats were suspected. Prolly
those ones you see in the front row at every TNA Show!
Those dirty whores!
-Thanks to The Condemned
doing terribly and being pulled from almost every
theater on Earth except the one's prolly still playing
the Wicker Man, WWE is thinking of doing Straight to DVD
releases instead of Theater releases from now on. But
don't fret! I AM DOING MY PART TO SWAY THIS
BAFFLING DECISION!!! I am currently holding a
showing at my theater (The Bacon-Mann's Chinese Theater)
in downtown Moosewater this weekend with tickets priced
at $500,000 a pop! And if all goes as planned, (and I
have no reason to believe it won't), WWE will
almost break even by Monday morning!
-Speaking of movies, in
honour of the movie Grindhouse, former WWE Superstar
Zach Gowen will be returning to the company with an
AK-47 lodged in his stumphole! True story! He will
then use it to propel HIMSELF down another flight of
stairs just like in 2003! AWESOME!!!111
- Vince McMahon
has received an honorary doctorate from Sacred Heart
University in Fairfield Connecticut. So he's now a LEGITIMATE DOCTOR,like Tom Prichard
and Steve Williamd b4 him. So he can
officially be called as such when performing complicated
surgeries involving pulling various plastic objects from
fake assholes! It's now OFFICIAL.
But according to
my bigtime source (who once bummed a cigarette off of
original ECW FBI member JT Smith so don't doubt his
credentials) THERE IS MORE THAN MEETS THE
EYE HERE. (and not in the cool transformers way
that maybe sees Vince COMBINE with 5 other muscley guys
to form one GIANT one). You see, Vince has an
ulterior motive for becoming a DOCTOR: That being CLONING!!!! And not just splicing the
genetics of Randy Orton and Heidenreich to create
Daniel Rodimer
neither and prolly the 28 other guys with tribal tats
and crew cuts in OVW! I'm talking about freaky genetic
experimentation the likes not seen anywhere but the
movies!!!!..only REAL. I
think!
By now, we've
all heard of ECW being a "NEW BREED
UNLEASHED", right? well, it's now LITERALLY the case! Why do you think Mr.
McMahon has taken a sudden obsession with ECW? The
awesomely unexpected hardcore disqualifications? The
edgy dancing to Justin Timberlake songs not seen since
the glory days of the night the line was crossed? NO. It
goes deeper than that. (kinda like Johnny Ace's penis
into Kelly Kelly in exchange for tv time!). You
see, Vince, in an effort to splice Bobby Lashley with
charisma (experiments that have sadly failed thus far),
eventually began breeding a race of hybrid CAT MEN not seen since the Island of Dr.
Moreau!!!111 I'm serious! Why do you think Monty Brown
is on that brand? And wears CHEETAH
UNDERWEAR? HELLO?! Come on! Am I the
only one who's terrified?!!!
-Speaking of Vince, he
recently gave a phone conference call to
shareholders and perverts where he had some really
interesting and memorable things to say, but I
forgot most of them. I do remember him saying that
they're not interested in getting into MMA though and
such, mostly because in MMA, guys who actually have
talent and are good at their profession have to get the
pushes or something like that, and that if they lose one
fight or get knocked out that they won't be worth
anything anymore and that's the reason why we won't ever
see John Cena lose again. I think. It's all a
blur.
Oh ya, he was
then asked who would be taking over after he's
dead, and he said that there's a good chance that if
your last name is McMahon or Lévesque you have a good
shot. And I have to say this is GREAT news for my 2nd
cousin Mario Lévesque from Quebec. Here's your shot,
Mario! Make the most of it!
-Breaking News!!!!! I've
just heard from a reliable source (me, actually. I've
never let me down before, so I trust me) that Smackdown
announcer Michael Cole was busted in a bigtime
prostitution sting! (not that Sting. He's a christian
and doesn't fuck for money... just for
procreation!). Cole's addicted to whores
apparently! (and who isn't!?- The trick
is murdering them b4 you pay and then sneaking out
b4 the pimp finds out!). Who'd have thunk it, though?
Especially after his rape at the hands (and penis) of
Heidenreich in 2005! I thought he'd be
ruined after that - kinda like Cole ruined
Wrestlemania this year.
Anyways, when pressed
for an explanation of his actions, he insisted
that he has never paid for
full intercourse of any kind, and just likes
to get a little "skull" from the ladies!
Weird!
-This just in, I've
heard from my sources that this Sunday at Judgment Day,
there's a good chance someone is walking out with the
WWE Championship between John Cena and the Great Khali!
Holy cow! (which he worships!). Take this for what
it's worth!
- And finally, by
now we've all heard about Randy Orton smashing up that
Hotel room and killing those prostitutes (maybe you
didn't hear about that part. Thanks, Johnny Ace!). Turns
out he couldn't get the Mini-fridge open so he put it in
a headlock until authorities arrived, and they couldn't
get him to release it/vary his offense no matter how
many times they pleaded.
TERRIBLE.
Anyways, not much
has been heard about Randy's bigtime punishment for
destroying the hotel room. UNTIL
NOW. That's right. Turns out Randy's punishment
is gonna be a whole new image makeover! It's true!
Originally, they were going to paint him all brown, and
rename him Hanky Orton, and he'd make his entrance by
emerging from a big inflatable gym-bag ( kinda like
MVP's entrance), but then they scrapped that one
because Vince felt there were already far too many
shit wrestlers in ECW or something and it'd just
go to confuse the other show's audiences. Too
bad.
Anyways, the one
they ultimately went with is definitely one that'll
break Orton's spirit/asshole - or MAKE SHITTING WAY MORE
EASIER (The next turds in bags will be the size of
Cheshire cats!). I'm of course talking about a A GIMMICK OF PURE FAGGOTRY (the
technical term for the medicular condition known as
homosexuality) under the name Randy Often. It's true.
And if he's not careful, soon it won't even be
ladies who collect these kinds of
totally straight pictures and he'll end up being a total favorite of
the Gay community to boot - which is apparently illegal
to do! Even with soft-soled shoes on! Live and learn!
And speaking of that, someone needs to tell me what
street this gay community is on so I don't
accidentally move there!!!!).
Okay, that's
it for the totally real legit true-life News. Let's
move on to this month's edition of Ask Bacon!!!! The
only place where you can get the tough questions to
the hard answers you're looking for!
ASK BACON
Answers from the Man himself (That's
me!)
Dear Baconman, my
question is about CM Punk since I haven't seen it
explained anywhere else. Was there ever a real reason
given for why CM Punk joined the New Breed and turned on
the Originals? and more so than that, what the hell was
the reason for Punk turning back? I just don't get
it.
Signed Jeff in
Tallahassee.
Answer: No it was never
revealed. But since I know everything (Like did you
Bruiser Brody was actually MURDERED when they found him
stabbed to death? Weird but TRUE) I'll be happy to
answer your question. You see, Punk turned against the
Originals after he walked in on Rob Van Dam and saw him
turn a 2 litre bottle of his beloved Pepsi into a
makeshift bong. It's true!!!!
As for why he turned
back, well, he had a falling out with member Matt
Striker who kept taking Punk's Straight Edge (He's into
Architecture and City planning) to go teach a geometry
class. It really escalated from there.
Yo, Bacon, is CM
Punk's Straight edge lifestyle really a work or what? I
can't imagine him not getting shit for not drinking with
the boys.
Unsigned.
Answer: Again with the
Punk questions? Anyways, I have no doubt that Punk
really does love to measure things with his
straightedge, so I have no reason to doubt the
legitimacy of it. As for the drinking with boys? No way.
He's not a pedophile as far as I know and his
only addiction is COMPETITION. And sadly it's one of the
more destructive vices out there. It's true. I have a
good friend who got HOOKED on competition and addicted
even, in his last year of University thanks to all
the pressure. And soon it consumed his life completely.
We tried to get him bigtime help but he just
wouldn't listen. Sadly, his dependency on competition
lead to his death two years ago. Well, sorta. He was hit
by a car while wrestling in the middle of the street.
Close enough.
Baconman, maybe you
answer this one for me. Why did Mike Awesome kill
himself?
Bill M. Hamilton,
Ont.
Answer: Because you
touch yourself at night. That and prolly depression. I'm
kinda sorta leaning towards the first
though.
Bacon, here's my
question: What do you think of ROH? Any
favorites?
Chris F. New York,
New York.
Answer: Yes, and yes. I
like that one skinny guy with the buzz cut and the
uncomfortably small trunks. I'm also partial to the one
shorter guy with the kickpads. You know the guy. Hope
that helps!!!
Dear Bacon, what's
the real story with Pat Patterson being named the first
Intercontinental Champion in "Rio de Janeiro"?
Sally,
Providence, RI.
Answer: Huh?
Story? There's no story. Just a GRUELING one
night tournament. I still don't understand why there's
like no footage of the event anywhere. Man. I really
need to get out to Rio de Janeiro, they seem to get all
the important matches/cocaine!
Canadian Bacon. I
have question about the Bashams who just debuted in TNA,
I think they have a tremendous upside, what do you
think? And do you think they have what it takes to make
their mark now that they're no longer being constantly
held down in WWE?
Geoff, Leeds,
England.
Answer: Tremendous
upside? My god I hope you're not talking about their
penises. That's just upsetting even for a fan
of penises (mine) like I am. In fact, sometimes b4
masturbating I like to pretend it's giving a
cello concert to a packed house and then
someone yells, "give this penis a hand!" and I do, with
my hand. On my penis.
As for liking
them. I really like the one guy. You know that bald one,
with the pleathery pants I think and
the questionable charisma? That guy who had that
weak single's push on his brand's b-show no one
watches? I want to say his first name starts with a
"D" but I can't really remember. The other guy? I don't
really care for him at all. Oh! And the reason they were
being constantly held down as you put it is because
they lose a lot of matches. That's how wrestling
pinfalls work, silly!
Dear
Bacon-man
What are the Nitro girls doing
now?
Unsigned.
Answer: Prolly Kevin
Nash.
All I know is Kimberly left DDP a couple of
years ago, legit taking 6 million of his monies and this
time not sharing it with Brutus Beefcake no matter how
sexy he danced/wrestled awkwardly. Apparently she got
bigtime tired of DDP always transitioning
everything into a Diamond Cutter. Like one time she was
feeling blue and needed a hug, so he gave her one then
when she let go he grabbed her arm and spun her into a
Diamond Cutter, yelling out, "BANG!... It can come
from ANYWHERE!" And after it
happened around the 300th time, she just gave
up on the marriage. (This is also the *real*
reason DDP took up yoga. He'll never need a woman again
if u catch my drift (HE CAN SUCK HIS OWN
COCK!!!!111)).
Okay, that's it for the
really gay questions this week. If YOU would
like to ASK BACON SOMETHING, email
him right HERE
and I'll get back to you when I want!
That was Kinda awesome.
I'm back, baby! And it feels so good. Almost as good as
typin a whole column commando (Check that off my list!).
Man, it's good to be back seriously!!!! It just seems
like 2 years ago I started writing here and never
spellchecked anything ever. Man times flies when you're
kinda sorta awesome!
Ok, Baconfans,
that's it for yer ole pal the Baconman in this
colossally awesome gigantic return column of
gigantic awesomeness. Until next time when I bring
Sexy back ( I was all set to bring it back
tonight but unfortunately had it confiscated
by customs at the airport), I'm Canadian
Bacon,
you're kinda sorta not, and you can consider this
column better than anything Joe Merrick's ever
done, finished. Oh!!!!!111 I almost
forgot:
Consider this Bacon
Brought!
-CB.