Hello Baconfans, it is I , professional truth
seeker, convicted sex offender (stupid disclosure laws!), and the
most insidey Insider the wrestling Industry's never seen, CANADIAN BACON!!!!
In fact, I'm so 'in the know', the Dave Meltzer won't even wipe
his ass before givin' ole Bacon a phone call to see what's on the up and
up!!!11 (and down and down. Gotta be consistent and thorough when it comes
to yer asshole!).
Anyways, I knows it's been a while, I know,
but I've just been really preoccupied and busy even spending my vast
fortune and partaking in many standard rich person activities; not limited
to getting women to bark like dogs, and fashioning my very own
cellophane tear-away money suit to expose my startling genitals that much
faster to the ladies/whomever. But as a word of warning, if you ever buy one, I suggest not being naked
underneath no matter how freeing/baffling it might be. But if you must
(and I must), I suggest shaving your pubis first, because Velcro
shows no mercy or Taboo tuesday. Especially for those of us whose bountiful
pubile manes resemble the glorious nest of the noble bald eagle, like
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Anyways, as I was diving headfirst into my vault filled with
gold doubloons (and don't let Scrooge McDuck fool you, slamming headfirst
into thousands of pounds of metal tends to smart sometimes, in addition
to 'causing irreparable cranial damage' as my doctor says... but I'm not
too worried!) I became bored, and thought to myself, "self, I really needs to write a new Réport, because
the minds of my baconfans (all million of yous) are likely being poisoned
by falsehoods, deceptions and lies even by so called wrestling journalists
out there who unlike me have never participated in the industry they critique,
and certainly have never wiped the ropes clean so Bruce Hart's hair
helmet doesn't get entangled during an Irish whip and cause his demise
or worse yet...his DEATH!" I just couldn't live with
myself for at least two days at the most if that happened. So here I am.
But enough about that, let's get to the Réport!
Once upon a time, Jim Ross used to have a feature called the Ross Report
where he tackled the biggest issues of the sport, including barbeque sauce,
what self-heating kitchen appliances best resemble the hands of the Big
Show, and of course promoting the wanton physical abuse of mules distributed
by a post civil war American government. You know, the most important
stuff ever. Unfortunately, a bout with the bigtime colon cancer put
an end to this practice, his pristine cornhole, and people soon had
to wonder to themselves just what position the overweight son of Road
Warrior Animal was playing on his high school football squad. It
was heartbreaking. BUT THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!111
You see, I picked up his bigtime slack, and
followed suit and such and provided the REAL
news people were aching for/not asking/caring about. And the best part
is, I wouldn't let a minor illness like colon cancer stop me from doing my
civic duty to provide you with the GIFT OF INFORMATION.
Besides, I've caught colon cancer the last
few consecutive weekends, and I'm A-OK and shitting pretty! So, I'll now
present yous all with yet another super duper glorious rendition
of the Bacon Réport as only I can tell it! ( And I once knew a guy who
owned like an identical tweed pit-stained plaid sports blazer to Andre
the Giant's, so I think I know what I'm talking about!).
-Kurt Angle has finally made his debut in TNA, (which stands for Total
Non-stop A) but apparently WWE has sent out a bigtime nasty legal letter
filled with demands and such to Kurt, telling him he can't call his move
the Angle slam no more, and that he's not a wrestling machine. (I've heard
through the grapevine though that instead he'll call himself 'the
grappling cybernetic organism with living flesh surrounding an armored
battle chasse'! AWESOME).
That's just mean by WWE, though. But the
WORST part is that apparently WWE has trademarked
Kurt Angle's ENTIRE HEAD, and he can no
longer even appear with his OWN FACE on any TNA show or anything else
on SpikeLee TV! BUT FEAR NOT!!!!111 Apparently,
to get around this issue, Kurt Angle has agreed to undergo the complicated
surgery last seen in the John Woo film, “Face/Off” starring John Travolta
and Nicolas Cage! And the best part? Every time he hits the Olympic
Slam, doves will suddenly flutter off in the background for no reason!
Even after he has sex with Joan Allen and she still doesn't notice he's
not her real husband despite being 7 inches taller and forty pounds lighter!
Unfortunately though, the only drawback is
that he'll soon start inexplicably moving, walking, and prolly dying in
the ring because he's insane and cant stop in slow motion. But TNA's answer to this is
to just program him against Kevin Nash, who wrestles like that all the
time anyway! YES. I just love TNA. They're like total non-stop action!
Wait. Someone should seriously call a wrestling company that! Write
that down! They don't call me a genius for anything!
-Psicosis was recently arrested in his native country (they have Indians
there, too? WEIRD!) of Mexicool for stealing a car and crashing it
into another car containing a pregnant woman and cartoon prostitutes and
mobsters ( i was just playing GTA, sorry). He then fled the
scene and almost got away too, but his getaway lawn mower only went 5
miles per hour! Terrible!
Now, a lot of people in the know (me) are saying how out of character
this was for Psicosis, but with a name like that are you really surprised?
If his name was "completely sane guy" I'd buy the argument (and anything
else 'cause I'm rich and thus awesome and inexplicably handsomer to ladies).
But come on.
And with that in mind and such, keep your eye
on that Super Crazy, too.! The Wellness program may have cured him of
his dementia, (WWE just decided 'Kinda Crazy' didn't have a good ring
so they kept him with the same name) but as Psicosis has proved,
you can never be too careful/ugly/in need of remasking!!!111
-Chris Benoit is now back, and is proudly representing the United States
as it's champion as only a Western Canadian of french descent can!
Commentators on TV like to tell you that the reason he was gone for so
long was because he was "burned out" but that's a big fat lie. As
I reported last winter, Chris Benoit contracted RABIES, (Rabid Wolverine?
Hello!), and as a result, they had to send him home, because Vince was
gettin' really tired of deploying Johnny Ace to shoot all the
people he bit and infected! (although, Johnny was said to really enjoy
-Speaking of mysterious disappearances, I've just been informed by my
bigtime sources who wish to remain anonymous (Bryan Alvarez and Wade Keller),
that the REAL reason Mark Henry is on the shelf (not a real shelf. cause
it'd prolly break) is because he's got the FLESHING EATING
VIRUS. The good news though is he's still expected to live and
wrestle terribly for another fifty years (the duration of his contract.).
So get well, Mark! And tear a phone book in
half for me! Start with the blue pages! They're very misleading!
-WWE has finally released Francine. About time. It's just
like WWE to keep someone captive like that for so long. Apparently the
reason she got bigtime fired though is because Vince McMahon thought
she was ugly and not diva material (plastic? rubber? They didn't say).
Ya! Being tall, skinny, and having huge fake breasts is not what a WWE
Diva is all about, Francine! Maybe try being blond, too. it seems to work
for other ppl!!!
-The Boogeyman has been REHIRED by WWE, and not that long after
they let him go for allegedly not wanting to heal from his many injuries,
which I'd imagine would include poor sinuses as his name suggests. And
apparently it couldn't have came at a better time, too. My insidey insider
sources have informed me that Boogeyman has had a really hard time finding
another line of work. There just isn't any calling for shirtless
muscular black ppl in swaddling clothes these days - and
even less for forced slavery which I find kinda disappointing. (now that
I have money i was *really looking forward to owning at least one black
Thank God WWE
hired him back, though, because I'd think it'd be hard to find a
job when under your list of skills on a resume you have listed, "Comin'
to Getcha". And believe me, I know. It's never worked for me either, and
I always live up to my boasts and do. Strange.
- In a completely unrelated note, my bike got stolen the other day. I’m
thinking of paying Chris Masters to put it in a full nelson to make sure
it doesn’t happen again. If you're reading this Chris, contact me!!!!11
-Apparently Torrie Wilson revealed on her My Space that she is divorcing Billy Kidman! Oh No! No details
have been officially released, but I've heard through a reliable source
(former WCW security guy Doug Dillinger, secretly hiding in their
closet masturbating) that the actual legit reason is because
she got sick and tired of him always giving her a concussion in the
bedroom when he crashed onto her with his knees after jumping off
the bedpost during lovemaking. (TRUTH!). He then said he had other
moves, too, and she said "ya, maybe two, but they're all contrived
and clumsy," then tried to powerbomb him and I don't think I need
to tell you what happened next!!! Man. You really hate to see marriages
between hot chicks and ugly guys in wifebeaters end so soon.
-Cpl Kirchener goes AWOL! FOREVER!!!! Cpl.
Kirchener apparently died about a week ago, only not really. The
story was broke on WWE.com, and it turns out the good Corporal is still
very much alive! (and still only a cpl ...even after 20 years!). Whew! Maybe
they just meant his career? I don't know. What I do know is that
when I was reading his obituary online, they mentioned he was also LEATHERFACE!
WOW. From fighting for your country to trapping then murdering teenagers
with your inbred family in the Texas badlands. That Vietnam war sure did a number
on this guy! I'm sure when Vince booked him to beat Nikolai Volkoff at
Wrestlemania 2, he had no idea he'd go onto to be a mass murderer
of children! ANARCHY!!!!
So, ya, Cpl Kirchener is still alive. Now try
him for his crimes!!!!11
-Speaking of legit dead people, Joey Maggs,
a former WCW jobber, died last week as well. And since WWE never
mentioned it on their website, that prolly means that he's really
dead. Sorry. Joey was a good
guy and will be missed by someone. And I understand that at his funeral,
all the wrestlers will take turns pinning his corpse as a tribute. Joey
would have wanted it that way. (second only to his first wish, which was
to still be alive!).
-Apparently this past Monday's episode of Monday Night
RAW marked the millionth episode of the show ( i have no concept
of time). WWE.com then put up this bigtime statement:
"Monday Night RAW is currently seen
on USA Network. Since its return to USA last October, Monday Night RAW
has averaged a household rating of 4.03 and delivered an average of 5.1
total viewers. "
Wow. 5.1 viewers? That's it? How the
mighty have fallen. But you have to hand it to that 0.1 guy! He's hanging
in there every week watching the show, despite just being a disembodied
head! We could all learn something from him! (most notably how to stay
alive without a torso!111!!!).
-Apparently Kevin Dunn ( I always liked
Timothy Well better myself) is pushing for WWE to change
ECW. They want to put the WWE logo on the show, make Tazz speak
English, and convert them from Extremists to
Superstars. And I say, about time! I love ECW and
all, but dangerous fundamental religious beliefs and wrestling don't mix!
I means, we all remember how Paul Heyman murdered all those deluded cult
members when he forced them to drink his Kool-Aid, right? Does anyone
think of Hat Guy's family? Or that one guy with the jew face? No,
the other one. NO, THE OTHER ONE.
-And while we're talking about ECW; How about
that ECW Strip Poker, eh? I couldn't help but take my dink out while I
was watching that! My friend Julius then left and said he was never coming
to watch wrestling at my house ever again. Oh well.
-Rey Mysterio is off to have surgery on
his knees. Apparently the hope is that they'll be able to finally
attach the bottom half of his legs to where his shoes are, so he can be
at least five feet tall. I wish him best of luck in his quest to be an
adult man. And while you're there, do something about his eyes, too! I'm
no Optimusprimeatrist, but that can't be too healthy!
-According to WWE.com, your number one source
for not really dead wrestlers, is reporting that Armando Alejendro Estrada
has apparently issued an open challenge for Umaga, for ANY man from ECW
or Smackdown to meet him at Cyber Sunday! Ewww. I'm a big fan of
Umaga and everything but even I wouldn't want to simulate intercourse
with him over a computer! What are they thinking?! And besides, how
does he even get power to that computer in the middle of the Samoan jungle?
Maybe Estrada rides a bicycle attached to a generator while he types?
This might explain it. ( I also imagine that giant taped thumb
makes for some difficult mouse-work to boot!).
-WWE has apparently pulled Harry Smith from
working the road. I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS A WHORE.
-Gunner Scott has been dishonorably discharged!
And he was THIS close to being promoted to Lance-Bombardier!
-Pat Patterson has apparently just returned
to WWE as a producer! But what does he produce? Semen? I've heard rumours!!!!!
-ECW has recently unveiled their Die-hards. (Click
HERE). Wow, to just
look at them, you'd never know they were so hard to kill, but then again,
they do watch the show regularly so I guess that answers that question!!!
-Apparently from what I've just read,
John Cena is bombing at the Theaters. WOW. I can't believe that. I can
understand being upset your movie isn't doing well, but to take out your
frustrations on patrons and fans of terrible movies by blowing
up theaters with explosives?! Was this after the movie, though?
I've seen The Marine. Maybe it was a mercy killing!
-Speaking of John Cena, I have an uncle whose
an avid member of the chain gang. And all he had to do was rob a bank
first. Turns out though that it wasn't all spinnaz, PHAT beats and good
times, though, but instead picking up a lot of garbage at
the side of a highway while being chained to a bunch of 300
pound black guys who rape him every night! Man, Cena must have left this
-Kanyon has recently stirred up controversy
on the Howard Stern Show, by accusing WWE of firing him because he was
bigtime gay. He said that he wanted to come out of the closet on
WWE programming but when Vince heard about it, he got all freaked out
and fired him. And I for one agree with Vince. Come out of the closet?
What kind of terrible ring entrance is that? It was silly enough when
Goldberg did that every episode of Nitro and now Kanyon wants to steal
his act from him? ( i don't remember Goldberg fucking Jerry Flynn
38 consecutive times on Thunder, though, but maybe i wasn't watching hard
For the record though, at first, when Kanyon
admitted his was Gay, I thought he meant the standard dictionary definition
of light-heartedness and merriment. Because after all, since he was the
Alliance MVP and all, he had A LOT to be happy about! But to my surprise,
he ACTUALLY meant he was homosexual - or homo in lay-men
terms, which is what he kinda does. That’s great, I think. Although, I
have no idea why he’d ever be drawn to the wrestling profession
in the first place. There’s nothing even remotely homoerotic about two
gloriously oiled musclemen exchanging holds and pinning each other with
gusto. What a head giver err, scratcher!
Anyways from there, Kanyon was back on Howard
Stern this past week, (not in the penetrating gay way), and
this time RIC FLAIR called into the show to argue with Kanyon about Kanyon's
faggotry (the technical term for being gay). Ric Flair told Howard that
Kanyon didn't have "it" anymore. Boy I hope he doesn't mean his penis.
That'd be unfortunate, especially since without it you'd just be bumping
your pelvis into a guy's asshole and that'd be like a hamster wheel
Flair then denied that Kanyon was fired because
he was gay. Kanyon then said it was a known fact to the boys that he was
gay (boys? Kanyon's a pedophile? No wonder he wore that mask as Mortis!
Only way to beat the sex offender registry! , but Flair said he never
knew it because he was too busy taking his own penis out comically in
front of the boys and twirling it for laughs and lawsuits. And I actually
believe Ric here. After all, Kanyon was also on that same
plane in 2002 that Flair did this on - and if Kanyon was truly
gay, he'd have not been able to resist that twirling whistle! It'd be
like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit that looks like a penis!!!!111
Okay, that's it for the News. Let's move on
to this month's edition of Ask Bacon!
Answers from the Man himself (That's me!)
Do you ever see WWE letting RVD be the
top guy in WWE/ECW? I think he more than has the ability to draw money.
Signed: Jimmy W.
Answer: I have no idea if RVD can draw money,
because I've never seen any of his artwork. But I'll tell you this: DRAWING
MONEY IS ILLEGAL AND CAN ONLY LEAD TO BIGGER CRIMES LIKE DRIVING WITHOUT
YOUR SHIRT ON WITH KNOWN ARAB EXTREMISTS. Besides, if WWE suspended
him for smoking the pot or marijuana even, imagine what they'd do
to him for a Federal offense! (Maybe prison time or worse, doing a job
to Shannon Moore!!! Keep your head on straight, Rob!).
I’m an indy wrestler, and heard WWE uses
us on occasion to portray plants. How does one go about getting
that job? If I can't wrestle for them, I'd definitely be willing to play
one on TV!
Signed: Indy Wrestler in Indianapolis.
Answer: A plant? I think you need to aim your
sights a little bit higher. Besides, WWE has real vegetation that does
that job (Droz.). RIDICULOUS!!!!11
What do you think of CM Punk and his straight
Answer: If CM Punk loves architecture that
much (his favorite part is the fur triangle), who am I
to judge? All I knows it that I always preferred the compass to the straight
edge. Although, I didn't use it often (I have a fear of puncturing my
scrotum.). But for the record, I think CM Punk is AWESOME. In fact, if
I ever see him, I'll definitely buy that man a beer! Let us all drink
a toast to CM Punk!!!!11
I heard somewhere that The Rock is thinking
of dropping that name in favor of "Dwayne Johnson", is this true??
Signed: A guy.
Answer: I don't know why Rock would stop using
his real name (Rocky Maivia) in favour of an obvious stage name like Dwayne
Johnson. Next thing you know he'll claim that eyebrow all for himself,
and the people will be left with nothing like after the fall of communism
in Russia. (the bread and elbow lines are miles long now).
It's all silly if you ask me. Besides, if you
ask me (which u kinda did), it's kind of a slap in the face to his
namesake and father and dad even, Rocky Johnson (who got that name
by making love on a beach, and getting pebbles caught in his urethra.
He yelled out as he tried to shake it off , "Damn this Rocky
Johnson!" and then stopped and decided he was really onto something.
Hope that answered all yous guys questions but
not really. If YOU would like to ASK BACON SOMETHING,
email him right HERE
and I'll get back to you when I want!
Ok, faggots, that's it
for this week. And by the way, I'm about to leave the country for the
season ( I'm heading to my Winter-time residence in the Netherlands
Antilles), and as such am currently looking for one lucky reader to join
me and become my brand new shirtless manservant. Ideally,
I'd like to actually acquire Virgil himself since he's not doing
anything productive these days, but I don't know where to reach him/wake
him up. So feel free to drop the Baconman the bigtime line and we'll work
something out ourselves. The pay isn't great, and you'll be forced
to wear a glittery cellophane vest and a bow tie whilst
the prestigious hundred dollar belt, but that's what manservant's wear
& do so get used to it.
See you Baconfans soon!
But until then, Consider
this Bacon Brought!