Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

bringinghomethebacon.jpg

The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Thursday, October 26, 2006 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hello Baconfans, it is I , professional truth seeker, convicted sex offender (stupid disclosure laws!), and the most insidey Insider the wrestling Industry's never seen, CANADIAN BACON!!!! In fact, I'm so 'in the know', the Dave Meltzer won't even wipe his ass before givin' ole Bacon a phone call to see what's on the up and up!!!11 (and down and down. Gotta be consistent and thorough when it comes to yer asshole!).
 
Anyways, I knows it's been a while, I know, but I've just been really preoccupied and busy even spending my vast fortune and partaking in many standard rich person activities; not limited to getting women to bark like dogs, and fashioning my very own cellophane tear-away money suit to expose my startling genitals that much faster to the ladies/whomever. But as a word of warning, if you ever buy one, I suggest not being naked underneath no matter how freeing/baffling it might be. But if you must (and I must), I suggest shaving your pubis first, because Velcro shows no mercy or Taboo tuesday. Especially for those of us whose bountiful pubile manes resemble the glorious nest of the noble bald eagle, like myself!
 

BACON

RÉPORT

NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW  STUFF

(10/26/06)


Anyways, as I was diving headfirst into my vault filled with gold doubloons (and don't let Scrooge McDuck fool you, slamming headfirst into thousands of pounds of metal tends to smart sometimes, in addition to 'causing irreparable cranial damage' as my doctor says... but I'm not too worried!) I became bored, and thought to myself,  "self, I really needs to write a new Réport, because the minds of my baconfans (all million of yous) are likely being poisoned by falsehoods, deceptions and lies even by so called wrestling journalists out there who unlike me have never participated in the industry they critique, and certainly have never wiped the ropes clean so Bruce Hart's hair helmet doesn't get entangled during an Irish whip and cause his demise or worse yet...his DEATH!"  I just couldn't live with myself for at least two days at the most if that happened. So here I am. But enough about that, let's get to the Réport!

Once upon a time, Jim Ross used to have a feature called the Ross Report where he tackled the biggest issues of the sport, including barbeque sauce, what self-heating kitchen appliances best resemble the hands of the Big Show, and of course promoting the wanton physical abuse of mules distributed by a post civil war American government. You know, the most important stuff ever. Unfortunately, a bout with the bigtime colon cancer put an end to this practice, his pristine cornhole, and people soon had to wonder to themselves just what position the overweight son of Road Warrior Animal was playing on his high school football squad.  It was heartbreaking. BUT THAT'S WHERE I CAME IN!!!111
 
You see, I picked up his bigtime slack, and followed suit and such and provided the REAL news people were aching for/not asking/caring about. And the best part is, I wouldn't let a minor illness like colon cancer stop me from doing my civic duty to provide you with the GIFT OF INFORMATION.
 
Besides, I've caught colon cancer the last few consecutive weekends, and I'm A-OK and shitting pretty! So, I'll now present yous all with yet another super duper glorious rendition of the Bacon Réport as only I can tell it! ( And I once knew a guy who owned like an identical tweed pit-stained plaid sports blazer to Andre the Giant's, so I think I know what I'm talking about!).


-Kurt Angle has finally made his debut in TNA, (which stands for Total Non-stop A) but apparently WWE has sent out a bigtime nasty legal letter filled with demands and such to Kurt, telling him he can't call his move the Angle slam no more, and that he's not a wrestling machine. (I've heard through the grapevine though that instead he'll call himself 'the grappling cybernetic organism with living flesh surrounding an armored battle chasse'! AWESOME).
 
That's just mean by WWE, though. But the WORST part is that apparently WWE has trademarked Kurt Angle's ENTIRE HEAD, and  he can no longer even appear with his OWN FACE on any TNA show or anything else on SpikeLee TV! BUT FEAR NOT!!!!111 Apparently, to get around this issue, Kurt Angle has agreed to undergo the complicated surgery last seen in the John Woo film, “Face/Off” starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage! And the best part? Every time he hits the Olympic Slam, doves will suddenly flutter off in the background for no reason! Even after he has sex with Joan Allen and she still doesn't notice he's  not her real husband despite being 7 inches taller and forty pounds lighter! AWESOME!!!111
 
Unfortunately though, the only drawback is that he'll soon start inexplicably moving, walking, and prolly dying in the ring because he's insane and cant stop in slow motion. But TNA's answer to this is to just program him against Kevin Nash, who wrestles like that all the time anyway! YES.  I just love TNA. They're like total non-stop action! Wait. Someone should seriously call a wrestling company that!  Write that down! They don't call me a genius for anything!

-Psicosis was recently arrested in his native country (they have Indians there, too? WEIRD!) of Mexicool for stealing a car and crashing it into another car containing a pregnant woman and cartoon prostitutes and mobsters ( i was just playing GTA, sorry).  He then fled the scene and almost got away too, but his getaway lawn mower only went 5 miles per hour! Terrible!

Now, a lot of people in the know (me) are saying how out of character this was for Psicosis, but with a name like that are you really surprised? If his name was "completely sane guy" I'd buy the argument (and anything else 'cause I'm rich and thus awesome and inexplicably handsomer to ladies). But come on.
 
And with that in mind and such, keep your eye on that Super Crazy, too.! The Wellness program may have cured him of his dementia, (WWE just decided 'Kinda Crazy' didn't have a good ring so they kept him with the same name) but as Psicosis has proved, you can never be too careful/ugly/in need of remasking!!!111

-Chris Benoit is now back, and is proudly representing the United States as it's champion as only a Western Canadian of french descent can! Commentators on TV like to tell you that the reason he was gone for so long was because he was "burned out" but that's a big fat lie. As I reported last winter, Chris Benoit contracted RABIES, (Rabid Wolverine? Hello!), and as a result, they had to send him home, because Vince was gettin' really tired of deploying Johnny Ace to shoot all the people he bit and infected! (although, Johnny was said to really enjoy the job!).

-Speaking of mysterious disappearances, I've just been informed by my bigtime sources who wish to remain anonymous (Bryan Alvarez and Wade Keller), that the REAL reason Mark Henry is on the shelf (not a real shelf. cause it'd prolly break) is because he's got the FLESHING EATING VIRUS. The good news though is he's still expected to live and wrestle terribly for another fifty years (the duration of his contract.).
 
So get well, Mark! And tear a phone book in half for me! Start with the blue pages! They're very misleading!

-WWE has  finally released Francine. About time. It's just like WWE to keep someone captive like that for so long. Apparently the reason she got bigtime fired though is because Vince McMahon thought she was ugly and not diva material (plastic? rubber? They didn't say). Ya! Being tall, skinny, and having huge fake breasts is not what a WWE Diva is all about, Francine! Maybe try being blond, too. it seems to work for other ppl!!!

-The Boogeyman has been REHIRED by WWE, and not that long after they let him go for allegedly not wanting to heal from his many injuries, which I'd imagine would include poor sinuses as his name suggests. And apparently it couldn't have came at a better time, too. My insidey insider sources have informed me that Boogeyman has had a really hard time finding another line of work. There just isn't any calling for shirtless  muscular black ppl in swaddling clothes these days - and even less for forced slavery which I find kinda disappointing. (now that I have money i was *really looking forward to owning at least one black person.).
 
Thank God WWE hired him back, though,  because I'd think it'd be hard to find a job when under your list of skills on a resume you have listed, "Comin' to Getcha". And believe me, I know. It's never worked for me either, and I always live up to my boasts and do. Strange.

- In a completely unrelated note, my bike got stolen the other day. I’m thinking of paying Chris Masters to put it in a full nelson to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you're reading this Chris, contact me!!!!11

-Apparently Torrie Wilson revealed on her My Space that she is divorcing Billy Kidman! Oh No! No details have been officially released, but I've heard through a reliable source (former WCW security guy Doug Dillinger, secretly hiding in their closet masturbating) that the actual legit reason is because she got sick and  tired of him always giving her a concussion in the bedroom when he crashed onto her with his knees after jumping off the bedpost during lovemaking. (TRUTH!). He then said he had other moves, too, and she said "ya, maybe two, but they're all contrived and clumsy," then tried to powerbomb him and I don't think I need to tell you what happened next!!! Man. You really hate to see marriages between hot chicks and ugly guys in wifebeaters end so soon.
 
-Cpl Kirchener goes AWOL! FOREVER!!!! Cpl. Kirchener apparently died about a week ago, only not really.  The story was broke on WWE.com, and it turns out the good Corporal is still very much alive! (and still only a cpl ...even after 20 years!). Whew! Maybe they just meant his career? I don't know. What I do know is that when I was reading his obituary online, they mentioned he was also LEATHERFACE! WOW. From fighting for your country to trapping then murdering teenagers with your inbred family in the Texas badlands. That Vietnam war sure did a number on this guy! I'm sure when Vince booked him to beat Nikolai Volkoff at Wrestlemania 2, he had no idea he'd go onto to be a mass murderer of children! ANARCHY!!!!
 
So, ya, Cpl Kirchener is still alive. Now try him for his crimes!!!!11
 
-Speaking of legit dead people, Joey Maggs, a former WCW jobber, died last week as well. And since WWE never mentioned it on their website, that prolly means that he's really dead. Sorry.  Joey was a good guy and will be missed by someone. And I understand that at his funeral, all the wrestlers will take turns pinning his corpse as a tribute. Joey would have wanted it that way. (second only to his first wish, which was to still be alive!).
 
-Apparently this past Monday's episode of Monday Night RAW marked the millionth episode of the show ( i have no concept of time). WWE.com then put up this bigtime statement:
 
"Monday Night RAW is currently seen on USA Network. Since its return to USA last October, Monday Night RAW has averaged a household rating of 4.03 and delivered an average of 5.1 total viewers. "
 
Wow. 5.1 viewers? That's it?  How the mighty have fallen. But you have to hand it to that 0.1 guy! He's hanging in there every week watching the show, despite just being a disembodied head! We could all learn something from him! (most notably how to stay alive without a torso!111!!!).
 
-Apparently Kevin Dunn ( I always liked Timothy Well better myself) is pushing for WWE to change ECW. They want to put the WWE logo on the show, make Tazz speak English, and convert them from Extremists to Superstars. And I say, about time! I love ECW and all, but dangerous fundamental religious beliefs and wrestling don't mix! I means, we all remember how Paul Heyman murdered all those deluded cult members when he forced them to drink his Kool-Aid, right? Does anyone think of Hat Guy's family? Or that one guy with the jew face? No, the other one. NO, THE OTHER ONE.
 
-And while we're talking about ECW; How about that ECW Strip Poker, eh? I couldn't help but take my dink out while I was watching that! My friend Julius then left and said he was never coming to watch wrestling at my house ever again. Oh well.
 
-Rey Mysterio is off to have surgery on his knees. Apparently the hope is that they'll be able to finally attach the bottom half of his legs to where his shoes are, so he can be at least five feet tall. I wish him best of luck in his quest to be an adult man. And while you're there, do something about his eyes, too! I'm no Optimusprimeatrist, but that can't be too healthy!
 
-According to WWE.com, your number one source for not really dead wrestlers, is reporting that Armando Alejendro Estrada has apparently issued an open challenge for Umaga, for ANY man from ECW or Smackdown to meet him at Cyber Sunday! Ewww. I'm a big fan of Umaga and everything but even I wouldn't want to simulate intercourse with him over a computer! What are they thinking?! And besides, how does he even get power to that computer in the middle of the Samoan jungle? Maybe Estrada rides a bicycle attached to a generator while he types? This might explain it. ( I also imagine that giant taped thumb makes for some difficult mouse-work to boot!).
 
-WWE has apparently pulled Harry Smith from working the road. I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS A WHORE.
 
-Gunner Scott has been dishonorably discharged! And he was THIS close to being promoted to Lance-Bombardier!
 
-Pat Patterson has apparently just returned to WWE as a producer! But what does he produce? Semen? I've heard rumours!!!!!
 
-ECW has recently unveiled their Die-hards. (Click HERE). Wow, to just look at them, you'd never know they were so hard to kill, but then again, they do watch the show regularly so I guess that answers that question!!!
 
-Apparently from what I've just read, John Cena is bombing at the Theaters. WOW. I can't believe that. I can understand being upset your movie isn't doing well, but to take out your frustrations on patrons and fans of terrible movies by blowing up theaters with explosives?! Was this after the movie, though? I've seen The Marine. Maybe it was a mercy killing!
 
-Speaking of John Cena, I have an uncle whose an avid member of the chain gang. And all he had to do was rob a bank first. Turns out though that it wasn't all spinnaz, PHAT beats and good times, though, but instead picking up a lot of garbage at the side of a highway while being chained to a bunch of 300 pound black guys who rape him every night! Man, Cena must have left this part out!
 
-Kanyon has recently stirred up controversy on the Howard Stern Show, by accusing WWE of firing him because he was bigtime gay. He said that he wanted to come out of the closet on WWE programming but when Vince heard about it, he got all freaked out and fired him. And I for one agree with Vince. Come out of the closet? What kind of terrible ring entrance is that? It was silly enough when Goldberg did that every episode of Nitro and now Kanyon wants to steal his act from him? ( i don't remember Goldberg fucking Jerry Flynn 38 consecutive times on Thunder, though, but maybe i wasn't watching hard enough).
 
For the record though, at first, when Kanyon admitted his was Gay, I thought he meant the standard dictionary definition of light-heartedness and merriment. Because after all, since he was the Alliance MVP and all, he had A LOT to be happy about! But to my surprise, he ACTUALLY meant he was homosexual - or homo in lay-men terms, which is what he kinda does. That’s great, I think. Although, I have no idea why he’d ever be drawn to the wrestling profession in the first place. There’s nothing even remotely homoerotic about two gloriously oiled musclemen exchanging holds and pinning each other with gusto. What a head giver err, scratcher!
 
Anyways from there, Kanyon was back on Howard Stern this past week, (not in the penetrating gay way), and this time RIC FLAIR called into the show to argue with Kanyon about Kanyon's faggotry (the technical term for being gay). Ric Flair told Howard that Kanyon didn't have "it" anymore. Boy I hope he doesn't mean his penis. That'd be unfortunate, especially since without it you'd just be bumping your pelvis into a guy's asshole and that'd be like a hamster wheel to nowheresville.
 
Flair then denied that Kanyon was fired because he was gay. Kanyon then said it was a known fact to the boys that he was gay (boys? Kanyon's a pedophile? No wonder he wore that mask as Mortis! Only way to beat the sex offender registry! , but Flair said he never knew it because he was too busy taking his own penis out comically in front of the boys and twirling it for laughs and lawsuits. And I actually believe Ric here. After all, Kanyon was also on that same plane in 2002 that Flair did this on - and if Kanyon was truly gay, he'd have not been able to resist that twirling whistle! It'd be like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit that looks like a penis!!!!111
 
Okay, that's it for the News. Let's move on to this month's edition of Ask Bacon!
 
ASK BACON
Answers from the Man himself (That's me!)
 
Do you ever see WWE letting RVD be the top guy in WWE/ECW? I think he more than has the ability to draw money.
 
Signed: Jimmy W.
 
Answer: I have no idea if RVD can draw money, because I've never seen any of his artwork. But I'll tell you this: DRAWING MONEY IS ILLEGAL AND CAN ONLY LEAD TO BIGGER CRIMES LIKE DRIVING WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON WITH KNOWN ARAB EXTREMISTS. Besides, if WWE suspended him for smoking the pot or marijuana even, imagine what they'd do to him for a Federal offense! (Maybe prison time or worse, doing a job to Shannon Moore!!! Keep your head on straight, Rob!).
 
I’m an indy wrestler, and heard WWE uses us on occasion to portray plants. How does one go about  getting that job? If I can't wrestle for them, I'd definitely be willing to play one  on TV!
 
Signed: Indy Wrestler in Indianapolis.
 
Answer: A plant? I think you need to aim your sights a little bit higher. Besides, WWE has real vegetation that does that job (Droz.). RIDICULOUS!!!!11
 
What do you think of CM Punk and his straight edge lifestyle?
 
Signed: Somebody.
 
Answer: If CM Punk loves architecture that much (his favorite part is the fur triangle), who am I to judge? All I knows it that I always preferred the compass to the straight edge. Although, I didn't use it often (I have a fear of puncturing my scrotum.). But for the record, I think CM Punk is AWESOME. In fact, if I ever see him, I'll definitely buy that man a beer! Let us all drink a toast to CM Punk!!!!11
 
I heard somewhere that The Rock is thinking of dropping that name in favor of "Dwayne Johnson", is this true??
 
Signed: A guy.
 
Answer: I don't know why Rock would stop using his real name (Rocky Maivia) in favour of an obvious stage name like Dwayne Johnson. Next thing you know he'll claim that eyebrow all for himself, and the people will be left with nothing like after the fall of communism in Russia. (the bread and elbow lines are miles long now). 
 
It's all silly if you ask me. Besides, if you ask me (which u kinda did), it's kind of a slap in the face to his namesake and father and dad even, Rocky Johnson (who got that name by making love on a beach, and getting pebbles caught in his urethra. He yelled out as he tried to shake it off , "Damn this Rocky Johnson!" and then stopped and decided he was really onto something. True Story).
 
Hope that answered all yous guys questions but not really. If YOU would like to ASK BACON SOMETHING, email him right HERE and I'll get back to you when I want!
 
Ok, faggots, that's it for this week. And by the way, I'm about to leave the country for the season ( I'm heading to my Winter-time residence in the Netherlands Antilles), and as such am currently looking for one lucky reader to join me and become my brand new shirtless manservant. Ideally, I'd like to actually acquire Virgil himself since he's not doing anything productive these days, but I don't know where to reach him/wake him up. So feel free to drop the Baconman the bigtime line and we'll work something out ourselves. The pay isn't great, and you'll be forced to wear a glittery cellophane vest  and a bow tie whilst bacon.jpgpolishing the prestigious hundred dollar belt, but that's what manservant's wear & do so get used to it.
 
See you Baconfans soon!
 
But until then, Consider this Bacon Brought!
 
-CB.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

 

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).