The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
|Thursday, August 24, 2006 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
CELEBRATING TWO YEARS OF THE BACONMAN AND HIS AWESOMENESS!!!11
Hello, Baconfans, I'm The Baconman, and welcome back to your favourite column in the entire Universe or the Internet even, Bringing Home The Bacon! Ya!!!!11
And as most of yous guys know, your old pal the Baconman recently came into a windfall of cash and money even after winning the Provincial lottery, and is now obscenely rich ... and suddenly handsome. In fact, so much so, that the people in my hometown of Moosewater recently volunteered to Erect a statue of the Baconman in his honour! I had to pass on it though, because as comfortable as I am with my body (there isn't a single centimeter I haven't explored), I just can't imagine having a statue with an erection on it. That's just plain old inappropriate even though I think it might be cool in the case ladies or birds land on it - and thus through a voodoo-style transference I feel it to. I don't what they were thinking/feeling with their hands hopefully!
Anyways, in between that, Philanthropy, (invented by the rich Uncle Phil on Fresh Prince) and kicking a basketball out of the hands of a diminutive black child at the count of 9 ( You know, standard Rich person stuff) I realized that I've been in the employ of this website for exactly 2 YEARS this week! Wow. It only seems like yesterday plus an additional 729 days that I started writing here. Man, time flies! (and continues to go on, as is, no matter how many times you use your Flux capaciter to attempt to change it b4 your family disappears).
Anyways, with that said, I'd be the bigtime remiss if I didn't throw my loyal Baconfans some bones (not real ones) here and reward them with a complimentary anniversary column! I mean, it's the least I can do to brighten your sad lives, right? DOES MY PHILANTHROPY EVER END!!!!111? (It does. Sorry.). So, with that said, The Baconman will now present two time-tested favourites from the column voted "Best Ever!" by the almighty God himself (He lives in Canada! Heaven is North, and Canada is North, do the math!), while showing the doubting Tims out there why I'm the biggest Insider this industry has never seen! (I'm gettin' a little tired of the dave Meltzer phoning me and asking 'is this true, Baconman?!').
First, up, we have a very brief Bacon Réport, but first, allow me to answer a quick email!!!11
How come you put an accent over the "e" in "Réport" in your Bacon Reports?
Easy! It's in honour of my proud Canadian heritage. You see, we have two national languages in Canada, English and the French. We're a Bisexual country! So I do it as a tribute to our filthy cheese eating friends to the East, whom we despise/can't seem to get rid of. Très Bien! (french for Very Bien).
And now onto the Réport!
For those of you living under a Rock or D-Lo Brown even, Jim Ross used to have a column on WWE.com called "The Ross Report" where he discussed among other things, barbecue sauce, the giant cumbersome jewelry of The big Show and what soft boiled produce one could prolly squeeze through it, and of course that hat size of the former Prince Albert. You know, the really important stuff. Anyways, he eventually stopped doing it so a doctor could pull all kinds of zany things out of his asshole (My Grandpa had a colonoscopy and all it did was stop cancer, not produce rubber-masked hijinks. What a gyp.).
Anyways, this left a bigtime hole (apropos 'cause that's where the pain came from) in the world of respected journalism and awesomeness, so The Baconman selflessly filled that void with his words/penis! And who better? I'm so INSIDE, I could prolly tell you what your internal organs look like! (not good, btw!) And don't you dare doubt me because I once knew a guy who was politely asked by former Rougeau brother Raymond to watch his bags whilst he went and bought a dirty magazine at an airport kiosk, so I think I know what I’m talking about!).
So this brings us to:
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW STUFF
Just a short Réport this week, as I've been kinda busy pretending to do things. You see, I recently took a page from Bill Gates book, (the one on new haircuts that don't look like Toad from Super Mario) and donated a substantial portion of my income to AIDS research (Approximately 100 hundred Canadian dollars) - and because of my bigtime magnanimous gesture and such, Scientists have *already* informed me that their research has discovered that A) it's sexually transmitted and B) There is no cure at this time. MAN. Aren't you glad I'm here to speed the medicular process along and kinda sorta halt the AIDS? Who knows what kind of danger you filthy perverts would have been in had I not interceded! (HIV maybe?). In your face Bill Gates! (And maybe work on the viruses that matter! like your faulty Microsoft product! Ya!)
Onto The Réport! (for real!)
-After being called both "wrestlers" then "rebels", (the black wrestlers are still enslaved though as we speak), the stars of the new ECW have finally been christened, EXTREMISTS! And I've learned through my bigtime sources that they're now taking it literally! And as a result, the ECW stars are now forcing their fundamentalist Extreme beliefs on others through random acts of TERRORISM! First, Sabu has decided to live up to his genocidal nature and tried to eradicate an entire culture of people! However, rather than hijacking a plane, he just sat a steel folding chair beside a building, took twenty steps back, ran, and springboarded off it and crashed directly into the glass, botching the whole thing! No one was hurt, but it's said he cracked a window and tipped a window washer's bucket of soapy water over! DEATH DEFYING! THE HUMANITY! (bet those 9/11 ppl (named after that tall ECW guy who choke-slammed ppl) are wishing they had shirtless hindus taking it to their buildings. They might still be alive today/ chanting ECW!).
From there, Balls Mahoney (who I always thought should team with Val Venis. Come on WWE, makes 'Cock & Balls' a reality!) ran into a crowd of people, bad mouthing the Infidel fans of standard sports entertainment, with explosives attached to his head! Surprisingly, Balls survived, no one really noticed the damage to his face, and in a strange twist, it's now said that his looks have improved after the blast! Strange!!!11
-Sylvester The Turkey recently made his debut, coming to the ring being carried on an oblong plate filled with lettuce. You probably remember him from his 1990 WWF debut as the Gobbeldy Gooker. He’s since shaved off his feathers though and has now adopted a no-nonsense mixed martial arts style in addition to dancing/having sex with Gene Okerlund - eventually joining up with Elijah Burke who doesn’t get to wrestle that much, which is kinda unfortunate. But hey, that usually happens when you're talking about Turkey. Everyone always seems to pass on the dark meat, am I right?!
-Rey Mysterio may be taking time off to get knee surgery, but I've heard through my sources that THIS IS BUT A CLEVER SMOKE SCREEN! AND SINCE HE'S MEXICAN I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT KINDA SMOKE THAT IS!1111 Apparently the *real* procedure will be to figure out what in fact has caused his eyes to turn completely white! Radiation? Maybe! This would prolly explain why he's so tiny also. This maybe also might explain why he has great high flying agility like fellow radioactive masked marveloso Spiderman! Man, he's lucky. I'm always trying to bombard myself with the radioactivity in an attempt to gain super powers, but sadly I always end up with inoperable cancer, have my dick fall off, and die! What's your cancer secret Rey Mysterio and do you make masks for penises of a person?
-Kurt Angle had to be taken off the road recently because he pulled his groin. I don't blame them. I can't imagine anyone in the locker room appreciated the former Olympian openly masturbating and cumming everywhere while yelling, "it's goo, it's damn goo!" (or so I'm told). That's just not hygienic/sexy at all!
-Apparently, JBL's commentary at Summer Slam about Eddie Guerrero has gotten him some heat and anger even with the boys in the back. He said that at his wedding, he had to hire extra security just in case Eddie fell off the wagon. FELL OFF THE WAGON? There's your problem right there! I know JBL's from Texas and all, but I'd imagine having wild horses pulling around a wagon filled with wrestlers hanging on for the lives, in the middle of a crowded church, would be much more DANGEROUS. Good thing JBL hired that extra security though, imagine how pissed Eddie woulda been if he fell off such a chaotic vehicle and died at a tragically young age! I know I would! ANARCHY!!!!!11
-How cool was it seeing Degenerating X (and if my bone density was deteriorating at a rapid pace I'd pull off clever ribs on authority too! What would you have to lose?!) spray paint a giant building on RAW?! Although, I got to thinking, how did just two guys spray paint an ENTIRE BUILDING? I myself spray painted an Ikea plant stand recently, and as such it took me four full cans of spray paint to complete it/ set it in my living room in an appropriate manner, so the way I figure it, they'd need about 25,000 cans to complete 18 stories of painting. Unless they used one GIANT can. But how would they operate it? Then it hit me. HBK has stated on many occasions that Jesus lives in his heart, and as I understand it, the Jesus was somewhere in the neighborhood (Galilee) of 6 feet, so to fit inside the rib cage of the Heart break kid, HBK himself would have to be at least 300 feet tall. This is the only explanation I could come up with/pay ppl to agree with. And with my scientific background (I took Biocololgy in high school for my entire 9 years there) I have confidence that I'm 75% right and 50% correct (I was a wizard at math, too!)
ASK BACON Time! Here's two questions asked by my bigtime fans, that only I ,Canadian Bacon, am capable of answering because I'm that same guy.
What’s the deal with the Liver Enzymes in WWE?
Signed: Jim, British Colombia
Bacon's reply: WWE has an Enzymes deal? What kind of person would want to buy those? Especially when you consider all the swank merchandise they already have at their disposable that's not liver-related. If it was bladders, I'd understand, but mostly because someone told me Batista uses other ppls for wellness tests and thus he prolly doesn't need his anymore.
Hope that helped kinda.
To Baconman; A lot of the smackdown roster was sent home recently for apparently violating the Wellness program. But most of them have returned, except for Super Crazy. So my question to you is, where is Super Crazy?!
Bacon: I can only assume a mental institution. I mean, a name like that has to be a cry for help, right? It's about time WWE took the initiative and got Crazy the psychiatric help he needs! (and maybe a proper haircut. Mexican Jermaine Jackson's went out ...immediately?).
That said, I for one am looking forward to seeing "Super Sane" back in a WWE ring soon! And I think it'll happen. If the guy in a Beautiful Mind can get his shit together (And I don't know about yous guys, but I didn't find his mind all that physically attractive) then the (formerly) Insane Luchador will be a shoe in! (mexicans wear shoes, right? Those lettuce patches would prolly be brutal on the feet if not).
Anyways, speaking of emails, that takes us to our next portion of this celebration of BACON and his contributions to the Industry he made famous. That's right, Bacon correspondence! You see, I'm always writing wrestlers and inventing the TOUGH questions. Unfortunately, I often don't get an answer, because companies like the WWE have been blackballing me (Ahmed's taste like chicken dipped in molasses) since I turned in Dr. Zahorian in the early 90's and nearly crippled the credibility of the industry. However, this doesn't stop The Baconman from still trying to get to the tough questions to the easy answers. So here we go!!111
WRESTLERS LOVES THE BACONMAN. AND HE LOVES THEM!
Kevin Thorn (ECW's Vampire)
Dear Kevin Thorn;
How do you keep your hair so neatly combed if you can’t see your reflection in a mirror? Always wondered.
And btw, I hear from a lot of ppl these days that you suck - and to that, I usually get bigtime defensive and say, "HE SURE DOES, HE'S A LEGIT VAMPIRE AND THAT'S HOW VAMPIRES MAINTAIN SUSTENANCE/STAY RELEVENT TO GIRLS WITH NO FRIENDS." (just doing my part to 'get' the gimmick over/remind ppl you actually exist. No thanks needed!).
P.S., I know you have to be 'invited in' and all, but just a heads up, Canada is just ripe for Vampire pickens! No one locks their doors here! That's half the battle! Plus, our stakes are kinda brittle, 'cause we already exported all the good wood to the U.S. for unfair prices! So no issues there!
Dear Big Vis. I know you refer to yourself as the "World's Largest Love Machine', but I have to take issue with that. I am currently fashioning a 700 pound giant animatronic vagina, that I plan to market/make love to with that *exact* name. So please make revisions to your moniker as soon as possible, for it's no longer true! Thanks a bunch.
P.S., when you and your life partner, Mo, were called 'Men on a Mission' just what exactly was your mission? I don't remember anyone ever saying. My guess was to "eat as much food as possible". Was I right? I'd really appreciate finally knowing. Thanks, Vis!
Found out the hard way that doing the Big Vis dry hump on people was still classified as sexual assault.
Dear Bret. I'm a pretty huge Bret Hart fan (not literally, I only weigh about 160 pounds!). Anyways, I recently watched your DVD and was completely blown away. I remember you saying in it that you've never ever hurt anyone you've ever been in the ring with, which I found strange. How did you end up winning all those matches then if you never did any damage? I'm baffled/handsome.
Anyways, my real question is about something you're prolly really tired about talking about: Vince screwing you at Survivor Series. But my question is this, for 9 years, we've always heard that Vince screwed you for not dropping the Title to Shawn Michaels. And my question is, why didn't you press sexy charges against Vince for anally violating you? You seemed to take being raped very well I must say. Most women aren't able to ever psychologically recover from the trauma (believe me, I've seen it firsthand), but there you were winning countless WCW & U.S. titles even! What an example you are when it comes to sexual assault/chronic repression/depression!
P.S., Maybe you should change your nickname of Excellence of Execution. Last time I checked, capitol punishment is abolished in Canada and forbidden even! (Plus, since you never hurt anyone, I'd imagine killing them for their crimes would be tough.).
I recently noticed you've employed the use of a ravenous midget to your already full arsenal of moves (in addition to your deadly Shanaynay, which was also my favourite character on Martin). My question to you though is, is there some special training or routine you used to have him become psychotic and attack people? I'm just asking because after much effort/drugs, I've recently captured a midget myself, and keep him locked under my porch (If only I had a ring. If only). But instead of harbouring a sick bloodlust that I can in turn use to thwart my foes when the situation merits its use, he just tries to "escape" and "dial for the police", "yell to the neighbours for help", and continuously complain about being "starving" while questioning his slavery, citing that he's a "person" and " slowly dying". (I know better, though).
Anyway, this lack of midget compliance is REALLY starting to get me down, (i'm seriously thinking of just putting him down) and I'd appreciate any advice you could give or any techniques you could share as to how I can beat the base humanity outta him.
Desperately seeking compliant attack-midget that is willing to be tossed onto adversaries/give head when needed. Or maybe just the first part.
Dear The Rock
I'm prolly one of your biggest fans in the ever and are really looking forward to your return to the ring you keep saying is never coming so you can film movies about not liking children then suddenly finding a heart and liking them. And therein lies my question. I recently read that you turned down working the last couple of Wrestlemanias because they didn't have a storyline that interested you. Well, I think I have one, and I think it's *definitely* money in the bank (Not the faggoty assed briefcase).
Here it goes: Since you're Rock, WWE could bring in two new wrestlers, and call them "Paper" and "Scissors" and the three of you can all battle each other fierce-like at Wrestlemania, with each man getting a fall. The whole feud would ultimately end in a stalemate, however.
Awesome, eh? You can thank me by reading my bigtime screenplay (In which I've attached in the email) for Doom 2: Doomier, which has your name all over it! (along with a series of diagrams/erotic sketches I know you'll appreciate!).
P.S., Just be glad I didn't introduce "Dynamite" into the feud just to confuse everyone!
Hello, The Highlanders, my name is Canadian Bacon and I'm a big fan of yours. In particular your immortality. See, when I heard the Highlanders were coming to WWE, I got bigtime excited, because I figured that meant the End Game was at hand, and "the Prize" was just around the corner. But I gotta say, I've been somewhat disappointed that you haven't introduced your Samurai swords into WWE Action yet in between all the losing/mocking your heritage for north American larfs. I means, yous guys would prolly be the champs by now had you just cut off Ken Doane's head. But whatever. I don't really blame you guys, because WWE is weird about stuff like that these days, and I figured Undertaker told you to put a stop to the Quickenings because not dying and lightning is his gimmick.
Anyways, Best of luck, and remember there can be only one (Is it true that this is also HHH's credo?).
P.S., Maybe you could behead Johnny Ace sometime? I know he's not immortal and all, but he sounds like he's kind of an asshole! Thanks!!!11
Dear Umaga. I don't know if you speak Canadian, so maybe you could get the Armando to translate, but I have a question about your big taped thumb. I myself recently taped up my thumb so it too can be lethal, but so far, when I yell gibberish then jab it into people's throats, they just look at me like I'm crazy/Un-Samoan. Am I doing it wrong? I mean, the thumb is obviously the hardest bone in the body, so I MUST be doing something wrong. Any help would be appreciated.
A blah blah Samoa! (I'm somewhat fluent in dirty savage, as we have a large Eskimo population up here.).
P.S., I love your custom grill. And I'm glad to see your home country didn't invest in pointless frivolous things like education and civility, when Hip hop is so much more important. I guess my grandpa was right when he said it was Jungle music! Who knew?!
Dear Gene Snitsky,
My name is Canadian Bacon and I need some bigtime advice. My cousin Andrea recently became pregnant with child (this time anyway), and as a result, she has decided to not keep it. And this where you come in. I was wondering if you could maybe spare a day, and fly up to Saskatchewan and hit her with a chair. I'd have done it myself, but there was some "issues". You see, I used to volunteer my abortion "services", but some people frowned on the technique. In fact it pretty much horrified the medical community completely and both the Pro choice and Pro Life movements altogether. I tried a clever, "It wasn't my fault" which so endeared you to millions instead of the usual jail time, but sadly video surveillance equipment installed in the room and a few surviving witnesses proved my claims to be a bold faced lie. Oh well.
By decree of my plea-bargain has to admit "it was my fault".
Hello the death defying Sabu, my name is Canadian Bacon and I need you to clear something up for me. I recently noticed commentators and signs in the crowd refer to you as Homocidal. But my question is, what did homos ever do to you that you'd want to eradicate them completely as a people? (And is this the real reason why Pat Patterson is in the hospital?).
Anyways, I know homosexuals can sometimes draw our ire with their frosted hair, cleanliness and the fact they always seem to be surrounded by better looking women than us straight guys, but that's not a good reason (there's much better one's) to want to murder or kill them even with unconventional hardcore props and maneuvers! Remember, even though they're different, Faggots deserve our respect, too.
The Pesticidal, Spermicidal, Dance Recital, Canadian Bacon.
There we go! I told yous guys I'd bring the goods! (then sell them for a reasonable price!)
Ok, Baconfans and fans of Bacon. That's it for the first two years of the incurable disease known as Baconmania! (there is no cure/ way to stop infection (its transmitted sexually.)).
But first, my BIGTIME announcement! With my newfound resources, monies and secret slave labour force, I have decided to in fact RUN FOR PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA...whenever the next election is!!!! (It happens every 300 years I think). YES. And as such, The Baconman needs a campaign manager/ masseuse of the Korean kind, so if you're interested in helping The Baconman become elected/erected to the highest office in Canada, land that I love, contact me HERE, and together we can run/rub things! Ya!!!!11
For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).