The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
|Saturday August 28, 2004 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
But hey, whatever. Whatever floats your canoe jealousers. You all keep on writing your crappy columns and I’ll keep not reading them. (and not just because I have mole eyes and it hurts.).
Anyways after the HUGE BIGTIME success of my last column (im thinkin it was surely the highest rated one here), I want to look at who I think is currently the best wrestler alive--or IS HE ALIVE?11!!). I give you:
THE UNDERTAKER: KINDA MAYBE THE BEST WRESTLER IN THE EVAR!!!11!
(I mean he did beat GIANT GONZALEZ like he was Giant Silva or something!)
Over a decade ago the WWF’s foundation (built entirely from Owen Hart & jim Neidhart's hammer pants in 1992 ) was rocked by the arrival of a dude in old timey black clothes and wearing a mullet that I can assure you was quite fashionable in the 1800's old west. IT'S TRUE!!!11! Business on top and a small casual get-together featuring family, dancing and maybe some violin music if the Lord permits in the back. (they changed the saying in the 20th century.).
He was always followed
by a man who cut a portly swath named Paul Bearer,
who I guess they called bearer cause he looked so much like a
bear, on the account of his size and eating habits. I
thought at first it was because he was always bearing Pauls, but
how many could there possibly be presented before it got
absurd--- so the bear theory was the only thing that made sense. And let me tell you,
I know what bears look like, living in
Anyways, Undertaker always was seen amongst the dirt and coffins, and even claimed he was from Death Valley which I've come to learn the hardway is uninhabitable to the human beings. (or else they'd call it Life Valley.). But the question remained- -whatever that was-- why would an obvious cowboy be around these dark things ? What exactly is an Undertaker?And if you work hard enough, can you become an Overtaker?And how did he get that urn filled with the darkside magic? Great questions that prolly have answers.
Anyways Undertaker came out of the shadows to rain terror and fog over the entire WWF in 1990 including The Ultimate Warrior (the first dead warrior, not the second fake one) and eventually Jake the Snake Roberts. (whom I guess had no choice but to carry around reptiles with a birth name like that!). I remember Undertaker even had one of his hands closed in on one of those Paul the Bear coffins and still chased the snake Roberts around like it was a staged scene and a prop coffin. I was so scared. I even nearly wet my pants. But I would later learn in life that was because I have four urethras (named after popular R&B superstar Urethra Franlin I'd imagine) and it was involuntary. Not that I ever asked though.
The reason Undertaker is one of the best wrestlers evar, is because he is part of some of the greatest storylines of all time. Remember when he vanished and some guy who looks like he stole JBL’s gimmick named Ted DiBiase promised that the Undertaker would return - and then they had that old dude from “Naked Gun” looking for him? That was awesome. You know, now that i think about it, they should have prolly brought in OJ simpson too from those movies - and if they had he would have prolly been too busy to kill anybody! WWf coulda easily saved two lives but no. And if not? keepin an undertaker around might come in handy to get rid of corpses! HE BURIES PEOPLE FOR A LIVING after all! (And just knows how to wrestle just because!). I imagine it was on the account of testing his skills on the dead bodies between matches. I remember getting fired one time for that during my own mortuary internship. They just wouldn't believe me that I was just covering the late Mrs. Wintergreen for a PINFALL. My penis just fell out of my pants and got erect and fell into her lifeless vag by accident. Some people just don't listen to reason what can I say.
Moving on... This was so great! Then even better, the REAL Undertaker returned to wrestle the fake one in a classic 3 moon (not stars ,SCOTT KEITH , YOU LIFE-STEALER) match, at least. What made that even better was that Undertaker had the GUTS to wrestle this fake version of himself, yet the Warrior, who some-- really smart insiders with different names than me --consider the greatest technician ever didn’t have the balls to wrestle his fake counterpart and instead just denies their existence as if we don't all have ears and can see it as clearly as the nose on my face. Think about it! Maybe it'll make sense. Maybe.
From there Undertaker continued wrestling at least 3 moon matches with anyone who he laid his purple glovey hands on, and kept acting like a zombie while Paul bearer now ran around with a giant gold tobacco spittoon. i never understood how he got his power from it now. But i always figured since Taker was a cowboy he prolly just saw them in saloons all the time and it was a good reminder of home and it gave him a warm feeling and such and that then translated into strangling guys in the corner and never selling anything no matter how implausible. Some people called it magic. Some people called it credibility destroying idiocy. I called it AWESOME. I didn't care. He had magical powers! Honest to god real life powers!!!11 Hulk Hogan talked about his power a lot but never did anything with his but Undertaker's were as legit as you can get. I mean he could summon the lights ALL BY HIMSELF!!!! - and had the wherewithal and fairplay to NEVEr use his dark lightning during matches even though it made way more sense then just applying goozles in the ropes for 25 minutes a night! And to you naysayers, I know enough about the technocology of such things to know that this kind of mystical pageantry can't be faked! He's the real deal, yo.
Anyways, Undertaker and Paul the Bear continued running amok in the WWF and putting on amazing matches with technical wizards like Kamala, (who was once managed by another wizard called WIZARD. TRUE STORY!!!!11!) but then people started taking advantage of him. (not sexually.). Taker kept losing. This guy is SUPERNATURAL, he shouldn’t lose to MIDCARD guys like Shawn Michaels and Steve Austin. I mean Taker had just beaten guys like Nailz and the late Yokozuna (is that guy ever on time!), and now they wanted him to lay down for these nobodies? Please. No wonder he took his magic to texas and starting riding a bicycle.
Leaving those zeroes behind, Taker soon moved on to the greatest battle of all time in the history of wrestling. He fought his own flesh and blood brother (what else would he be made of?) KANE, who wrestled as a dentist, but I guess Taker wasn’t happy with a root canal he got and set Kane on fire and killed his parents. This was a low point for Taker’s emotions and you could tell, as he wouldn’t fight his own brother even after eradicating the entire Undertaker family in the most horrible manner possible. Not only is he a great wrestler, but he is compassionate, too. What more do you want from a great wrestler? He doesn’t touch himself in the special purpose and tell people to “Suck Me”, or drink beer and beat up his poor boss every week. In fact you could tell that Taker was the man’s man, the common man, who could control lights and stuff and talk sometimes. His interviews never sounded all “natural” and “funny”. He stuttered a lot and didn’t make a lot of sense. Much like Real life! and that’s what I like about my wrestlers---only WITH MAGIC. Remember his interview about Big Show and the motorcycle in the desert? BRILLIANT! Remember when he said, “Where to Stephanie!!!”??? WE NEVER FOUND OUT HER ANSWER! They're prolly still driving! Remember when he would talk about the ring being his “yard”? Remember when he set up some really comfortable lawn furniture in said yard and even a nice hibachi barbecue? NO? BECAUSE IT DIDn"T HAPPEN. UNDERTAKER DOESn"T REALLY LIVE THERE!!!! ITS A SAYING! Yeesh.
Like the Madonna, (she gave birth to the Jesus when she was like a virgin) Taker soon went through the most ambitious makeover ever by transforming into the American Badass (Canadian in MY EYES) and drove a tricked out moped down the aisle and wore a banana on his head and shades and even had Sara tattooed on his neck. I had one of my inside sources tell me Sara was a real dog--so that was prolly just a tribute to his favourite pet, and he had the name tattooed there because he loved her so even after it died tragically in that murderous fire he kinda set.
Anyways, regardless of this transformation into this far-fetched and completely unrealistic gimmick, (a Biker? They've been extinct for decades) Taker still kicked names and took ass all over the ring. They even brought Paul the Bear back, but Taker killed him with cement and nobody called the police despite 20,000 witnesses and it being televised across the planet. Lucky him.
And these are just a few reasons why he's the best ever. I'd tell you more but I don't want to.
hey, look at this we're through the column already and don't you feel like a bakers dozen times smarter for readin it? i hope so cause i dont want retarded people readin the column cause it spoils it for me and im kinda the one who matters here. (sorry, it's true.).
Consider this Bacon brought!
Coming next week I answer your gay emails and write some more super duper stuff full of knowledge and information!!11! Be here or be queer. (don't doubt my sweet rhymes. I've been called a white Vanilla Ice).
84 years of offensiveness, and pretending there was an additional 77 years! It's our version of WrestleMania and the Oscars, all rolled into one! Only with more rape jokes! Or any! A night of year-end fare where we not only run over good taste, we roll back over it, rape it, eviscerate it, and then eat the remains! 35 HUGE categories this year and something's got to give! But mostly good sense.
January 19, 2007
For years, people have asked, "What would happen if Vince McMahon could dictate recorded world history?" OK. No one ever said that. But it doesn't mean that we can't pretend, right? Join Sean as he looks at how Vince McMahon would spin history if it were indeed for sale. From Bryan Clarke ending World conflicts to Triple H conquering most of Europe, to Divas being burned at the stake, Sean has all your bases covered and then some.