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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon


Hey Baconfans and Fans of Bacon, I'm Bacon and this is Bacon, back with another brand-new Bacon Réport!
I knows it’s been a while, but I have a good excuse and such. You see, I'm extremely wealthy!!111 IT'S TRUE! I recently won the Saskatchewan provincial lottery/odds & evens tournament and as such I've spent most of my super duper important time now doing rich person things like buying a spring-time residence in Cocoa Beach Florida/ Netherland Antilles (or both!!11 ) - along with constructing a bigtime vault filled with gold doubloons that I will in turn dive into, swim through, and possibly, if the mood sets me right, make love to (with my penis.). In fact, I’ll have you all know that your friend Bacon here is also in the process of investing a good portion of his fortune (my financial advisor who I trust with your life is putting it all together) on some Prime Saskatchewan ocean-front property, where I hope to live out the rest of my days being kinda sorta awesome, having intercourse (hopefully with girls) and getting small children to humiliate themselves for money. You know, the true Canadian Dream. (not to be confused with Dusty Rhodes’ Canadian cousin, whom I understand is named Icy Rhodes.).

Anyways, I’m back now, wearing a money suit sans tear away pants (my enormous testicles find slacks binding), and ready to inform you, the little people, (grow already) with information and the TRUE news about pro wrestling since I’m the industry’s most trusted INSIDER. In fact, the only way I could be more inside is if they created a molecular device capable of shrinking Bacon down to microscopic proportions and then injecting him directly into your filthy bodies! (I have the money to do it). My only worry though is that my clothes wouldn’t be capable of shrinkage too and I’d be running around your insides all bare balls, which I fear might label me a bigtime faggot. (not that there's anything wrong with being a worthless homo). Can’t have that!!!! In fact, I think I’ll go stick my dink in a lady just to be careful!!!111 (Hopefully she's awake this time.).
 
Onto the Réport!!!!
Click here for full size picture!

BACON RÉPORT

NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW  STUFF

(05/24/06)


As you all know, Jim Ross *used* to have a weekly feature called the Ross Report, where he’d talk about wrestling news, BBQ sauce and smashing boiled produce through the jewelry of the Big Show. Unfortunately, he eventually began to slip and such, and was no longer reputable or trusted even. So I took up his slack, his hat, and am now the NUMBER 1 Insider in wrestling! (Dave Meltzer once labeled me the best writer he’s never read in his life!).

Anyways, unlike Ross, I’ll dig through the real dirt (not real dirt, as I am allergic to anything brown and smelly...which prolly explains my distaste for Eskimos) and get to the bottom of the important issues! And I won’t bail on yous guys just because *I* get colon cancer or something. I mean, come on. I get colon cancer ALL THE TIME, and it never stops me. So, with that said, let’s get to  all the newsy news of insider insidey insideness! Let’s get to the Bacon Réport!!!!!11:
 
-Speaking of Jim Ross, he recently was brought back as lead RAW announcer when Joey Styles shot on the live RAW crowd. And when I heard from a friend that Joey was shooting out there, I got really excited. I mean, who wouldn’t want to light up a crowd full of children with live ammunition? (or maybe throw a fire axe, Howie Long-style into a section full of John Cena fans?).

Anyways, as it turned out, he just talked really mean about WWE, and there was no gun ANYWHERE. Unless he’s just so sleight of hand I didn’t see him re-holster. I mean, I musta watched that segment once, and every time I saw it, I couldn’t see ANY weapon. Strange. Yet, everyone’s labeled him a bigtime shooter anyway when there’s clearly no evidence. Slander! Ridiculous! We all owe Joey a HUGE apology. So from the Internet to you, Joey, I’m sorry. Hopefully you have better luck returning to being the spokesman for Subway. You're too good for wrestling but not the five dollar footlong. (2 Cold Scorpio's nickname for his penis.).
 
- Speaking of penises (god invented them on the eight day along with Andre) my bigtime sources have just told me that after his pay-per-view debut with WWE, GOD has been sent down to OVW for retooling (not penis removal, although, I heard that may've been the case with Beth Phoenix!). Apparently Johnny Ace wasn’t a big fan of his work, and thought his style was too “methodical” and that he didn’t know how to "tell a story" (besides the bible). Johnny was then swallowed up by a cloud of locusts and obliterated.

Anyways, I had a BIGTIME source backstage at Backlash (and I once knew a guy who spotted former Young Stallion Jim Powers collecting various cigarette butts from trash cans in 1997 in the hope of fashioning a new full one, so I think I know what I’m talking about!) taking notes; and here’s what he came up with as it pertains to God and the WWE superstars!:
 
- Rob Van Dam (who was sharing a locker room with The Lord) asked if God minded if he got stoned. God said “Done.” And like 6 Pharisees showed up and beat Rob to death with rocks!!!!11
 
- John Cena asked God if he could use his supernatural powers to make him a good wrestler, and God laughed and said, “there are even some miracles I can’t accomplish!”
 
- Before their match, HBK asked God backstage if he had ever done a blade job before. And God responded, “done one? I invented them!” and showed a picture of Abraham’s circumsized junk as proof!
 
-In his short tenure with the company, God gained a reputation for pulling some really great ribs. Literally! He then created women from them for the Diva’s division!!!!1 (most of them were harlots & whores though - and they fit right in!).
 
-Triple H and God were apparently arguing over who took longer, God in creating the heavens and Earth, or a Triple H promo. HHH is still giving his side of the story as we speak!
 
-Vince was seen talking shop with God; with the two discussing where lost souls and undesirables go. After the conversation, God and Vince decided to combine Hell and OVW, stating they pretty much serve the same purpose!!!!!111
 
-God had some issues working on Sundays for some reason.
 
-God apparently brought his wrestling gear in the Ark of the Covenant, and right before bell time, he realized he left his knee pads in there; Orlando Jordan then said he’d be happy to get them for him, but when he opened God’s luggage, his face melted! (No one even noticed, though! WEIRD!!11).
 
Thanks to my source for that (Jesus), but not really! Let’s move on!
 
-Randy Orton was recently suspended. From where, though? I know he’s pooped in people’s bags before, but that’s no excuse to hang the man! Sheesh! I means, I shit in people's bags all the time and sometimes even ejaculate in ladies makeup carrying cases, and I get away with it (prolly 'cause I have a habit of murdering them to cover my tracks) - so hopefully Randy can, too.  So best of luck, Randy, either way! And maybe try killing them next time. You won't regret it! (unless ur not also a sociopath like me..then you prolly will.).
 
-This just in! Stephanie McMahon is expected to give birth…eventually. Take that for what it’s worth!!!!111 (it might take longer, 'cause last time, the sledge hammer came out sideways!).
-Apparently Paul Birchill the Pirate is injured. My sources have said that he may have contracted scurvy. All the best to Paul while he recuperates. And let’s hope he finally gets some “me time” to rape and pillage!!!
 
Oh! And on a side note and such, my BIGTIME sources informed me that as a parting gesture, Burchill said to the bisexual Orlando Jordan that “you’re more than welcome to my pirate booty”, and OJ misunderstood and got all excited and took his pants off. WEIRDER!
 
-Apparently a lot of people missed the Liger vs. Petey Williams match at the TNA PPV when it blacked out. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know Petey’s double tough ‘cause he’s Canadian and all, but even I wouldn’t want to see him fed to  giant hybrid cat, even if they do make magic that much more spectacular!
 
-In more TNA News, the World X cup is finally over. Apparently World X never even showed up, the cowards!!!! Maybe that's a good thing. Who knows what kind of alien species might be indigenous to that planet! (Hopefully its a species  of hot alien chicks with Ferengi heads. I always wanted to put my dink in one of those folds!).
 
Speaking of the X-Cup, Team USA ended up winning over Team Canada, but only because Chris Sabin tricked us into a false sense of security by promising us fair tax tariffs on Soft wood exported from our country… then sucker punched us. SHENANIGANS.
 
Oh, and why was Sonjay Dutt wrestling for Team USA when he’s from the Himalayas? You can't tell me that he couldn’t round up a few Sherpas and/or Llamas to form a team of his own? Ridacoculous!!1.
 
-In more TNA News, Homicide is in line to get a big push (and not lifetime incarceration for first degree murder as his name suggests!). Good for Homicide. He deserves it. His brothers Petty Larceny and Indecent Exposure would be so proud!!!!!!111 (His Uncle Rape was busy apparently.).
 
-In an effort to be even more Low Key, Low Ki is now Senshi. Which I understand is Japanese for Senshi. Basically, he’s still the same guy, only he doesn’t have to hide so much and keep so subtle a profile, so his name won’t be a big fat lie.
 
-In case you haven’t heard, (prolly cause you were waitin for me to tell yous) Bob Holly is not doing so good after an injury and was having a tough go of it there. ( i thought at first it had somethin to do with his rectum (damn near killed him!) because I overheard the expression 'Giant Asshole' and 'Bob Holly' uttered in the same sentence by my anonymous source (dave Meltzer) - but I was wrong -- its apparently his arm. There were even worries that he might lose it, which I’d imagine would make annihilating rookies a tad more difficult, and masturbating (I use my dink) even more so, unless you were ambidyslexic (an ability to use either arm whilst not understanding a single written word). Thankfully though, this all holds no bearing on his dropkick, which  will remain glorious.

HOWEVER!!!!11 My sources have told me that in the case that he does lose an arm, Vince is kinda sorta already looking into the same complicated surgery that gave Jax from Mortal Kombat his titanium arms!!!11 Rookies are said to be terrified at what might be in store for them now that Bob could have 300 pound steel robotic limbs! It also remains to be seen however how WWE officials will respond to Bob’s new rumored finisher that sees him tear off both his opponents arms simultaneously and then get pinned anyway! AWESOME!

In any event, get well, Bob. And kill some people! (FRIENDSHIPS ARE FER FAGGOTS). Flawless victory!
 
-In more unfortunate news, apparently Stacy Keibler suffered a seizure recently. Although, it may have been a complicated new dance routine. It’s hard to tell sometimes. In any event, The Baconman of course immediately suspected that it was side effects from being bigtime forced to dance in the deep reaches of space during Dancing with the Stars, but was proven wrong recently when I was informed by a reader that despite the title of the show, Stacy Keibler and the other dancers were NOT  launched into the cosmos although I've since heard most should be. Thanks to someone not as important as me for that tidbit.
 
Anyways, Stacy is said to now be much better/hotter (that's the important thing.). I’m glad. Although, I always wondered what it might be like to have sex with an epileptic, but actually not as much as a possessed woman. Think about it. Sure, their faces are all deformed and unappealing and such on the account of the unholy possession, but I’d imagine with all that thrusting and gyrating, it’d be a pretty sweet ride for your dink. And at least you know Demons put out. That’s a given. Unfortunately though, you don’t know how many partners they’ve been with (there’s prolly a lot of promiscuous people in Hell.). Also, if I know one thing, (and I prolly do) it’s that you can never trust a demon. When you kiss her, she might just puke pea soup or some such in your mouth and who needs that? But hey, sometimes, you gots to take a chance, right? I used to be deathly afraid of the Ghoster Coaster at Wonderland, then I tried it, and now you can’t get me off the thing. Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh, ya, fucking Stacy Keibler, even with the silly shakes. I'd like to!
 
- Assault charges against Ric Flair, over his road rage (what was he doing driving his own car when you have a limousine or a jet plane to style and/or profile in?) were dropped yesterday in Charlotte, North Carolina after none of the witnesses against Flair showed up in court. However, MY sources are saying otherwise. Apparently the witness who was to show up, was bound and tied in the back of the courthouse somewhere, while BARRY WINDHAM, who was dressed as the witness then came in and nearly fooled everyone!!!! Just then, the  REAL witness comes running out, rope still tied around his wrists, and starts cleaning house, eventually rolling up Sid Vicious for a three count. Just had to clear that all up for yous guys. 
-MNM has broken up! NOOOO!!111 At first I thought they meant chocolate and peanut which would be a tragedy, but it turns out they just mean Nitro & Mercury, who are not nearly as delicious as you'd think.
 
In a side note, some animal lover friends of mine really think that MNM’s fur coats are mean and cruel. So I came up with the *perfect* solution besides killing them and blaming the blacks. Instead of killing the animals outright, we should just shave the hair off them, and then suit them up with down-filled gortex coats to keep them warm instead. This way, they can *still* survive the bigtime harsh winters (in a much more durable, comfortable, and let's face it, stylish hide) and *we* can still have the fur. It’s a pretty fair trade off, (fur-trade-off, HAHAHA) I think. People need to listen to Baconman more often! Just when you think you have all the answers, Bacon asks some questions!
 
- Congrats to Booker T. who is now King of the Ring, which as I figure is kinda like Frodo being the Lord of the Ring only completely different and not at all like that. But other than that, completely identical. Still though, I wouldn’t be surprised if Booker did have the one ring of Mordor! I mean it clearly explains why he’s been completely invisible to the creative team for years! Mystery solved!111
 
-Speaking of Booker, apparently he and Batista got into a BIG HUGE BIG fight while filming a Summer Slam commercial. And while this is big news, no one has bothered asking the real important question, HOW THEY FILMED THIS COMMERCIAL WHEN IT’S NOT EVEN SUMMER YET. Time travel? Perhaps. I guess we’ll never know the answer to this complicated riddle.
 
Anyways, I snooped around for the dirt and such, and to find out just what caused this bigtime brawl, and my source (and I won’t reveal his name, although it rhymes with Bill Apter) stated that the whole thing got started over LUNCH.  (seriously!!!). You see, in between takes, Batista went out and grabbed some Wendy’s, and when he came back, he said to Booker, “I’d have asked if I could pick you up anything, but I didn’t have time to wait for them to empty the entire till into a burlap sack!” Booker then got like REAL mad, kicked Batista in the stomach, and yelled out, “Now stay bent over so I can axe kick you!” …and he DID! Anarchy!!!!11
 
-This just in! Umaga is *really* Jamal from 3 Minute Warning!!! WOW. And to think I didn’t ever believe my grandfather when he used to say that rap was jungle music! (and the jews controlled Hollywood!). Here’s your BIGTIME proof! The guy couldn’t shed his Fubu fast enough for a loin cloth! The results are in! Too much hip-hop turns you into a savage who hates shoes! And good luck walking through the ghetto now with bare feet, mister!
 
-For years I’ve heard the intolerable slave driver sean Carless make jokes at Jerry Lawler’s expense, and finally I asked him what it was all about. I then looked up Jerry's police record, and in 1993 he allegedly had a sexy misconduct with a minor! But who cares, really? Why shouldn’t minors get some, too? After all, they spend all their time covered in soot in those dank mines, digging through rocks, alone and scared and prolly a little horny too (cave holes don't make for good snatch chutes! Trust me!). They deserve loving just like everyone else. Sheesh. Next thing you know, people will frown upon having relations with construction workers and 13 year old girls! Terrible.

Kane’s Movie ‘See No Evil’ opened this weekend and came in third out of three movies which was an admirable showing I’m told by WWE who kinda insisted. Still though, calling it 'See No Evil'? If it has no evil in it, why should I watch? What kind of killer is this guy?
 
Anyways, I had a choice to see that, but ended up going to the DaVinci Code instead. And come on. A little far fetched, isn’t it? And since when does Leonardo Davinci have secret knowledge of the lineage of the jesus!? If he was really that tight with God, he wouldn’t have frozen to death in that icy water when the Titanic went down, but livin’ the good life with Rose as we speak!

HUGE NEWS JUST IN: Shelton Benjamin, athletic high flying WWE superstar, black man, and current Intercontinental Champion of earth, is ACTUALLY one in the legit same with popular recording star RAY CHARLES!!! Who’d have thunk it??? (no one on earth?!). Anyways, the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding is chocolate because  both are brown!
 
Anyways, the proof is below as sent to me by a fan I never cared to remember, trust or like whatsoever. (and clearly, the sunglasses were the tip off. Only blind people, drug dealers and homosexuals wear sunglasses):
 


Coincidence? I think so!
 
Anyways, the most impressive thing (besides being that spry for his seventies, and not being dead) is how phenomenal Shelton is in the ring for a guy who is totally BLIND. But then I remembered: ALL blind guys secretly have super sensory perception and reflexes! (usually started by TOXIC WASTE. Quick, someone dunk Charlie Haas in it and see what happens!). I mean, look at Daredevil! (because he can't!).

In fact, I tested this super-hero/blind  theory once, and threw a wild punch at a blind guy outside a liquor store… ‘cause I just knew he’d *sense* it coming and swiftly dodge the blow, but he didn’t, and got completely knocked out and eventually died.  At first, I thought, maybe he was protecting his secret identity, but then I figured he musta had his eyes closed and didn’t see it coming. Next time I see a guy with a cup of pencils, I’ll definitely make sure to wink at him first to let him know I'm coming before throwing a wheel kick  to see what happens - and just hope he doesn’t hurt me too bad with his telescopic walking stick of justice!!1111 (where does a poor blind lawyer get  money for all those cool things? Is the Liquor store begging that lucrative?!).

And as for Shelton “Ray Charles” Benjamin; Please, try to somehow incorporate your piano into your matches sometime between flipping nonsensically and having little to no natural charisma. That’d be AWESOME, and a treat for the ears!!!!11
 
Question time!!!!11 Yes, that’s right, as a new feature to the Réport, I’ll be answering reader emails sent to me by you, the little ppl (not midgets.). You can ask Bacon stuff
here  and I'll answer it... eventually! Here’s three recently sent to me:
 
“Dear Bacon, I recently got into an argument with a friend over the origin of the “Crippler crossface”. I said that Stu Hart invented the hold, while he claimed it was really Dean Malenko. Who’s right?”
 
Answer: Neither of you! The origins of the crippler crossface are as mysterious,  shady and riddled with conspiracy as Darwin’s Evolution. However, after much research, and a little masturbating, I found that the hold can be traced back to the early 1940’s to a man named Dave Crossface. HOWEVER, also claiming ownership was his neighbour and frequent Gin Rummy partner, Curtis “Bill” Crippler. The two eventually agreed to COMPROMISE and thus we have the “Crippler Crossface”.
 
Hope that helped sorta.

-CB.
 
Next question: 
 

“Dear Canadian Bacon. I’ve been really impressed with Tatanka lately, and wonder what your opinions are on him. You have to admit, he’s really been wearing his working boots lately.

 

Signed: [ some guy I can’t remember.]”

 

Dear random person who doesn't matter, thanks for your terrible question. Anyways, in case you didn’t know, Indians don’t actually own work boots. And if they ever did, they haven’t worn them in YEARS!!!111 Hahahahaha.

 

All the bigtime kidding aside, (except about the laziness), I appreciate Tatanka, which is actually Indian for Tonka Trucks which are durable and allegedly indestructible. (Quick, someone hit Tatanka with a hammer or run him over and see what happens!).

 

Anyways, I’ve been kinda impressed with his quest to become a Lakota Indian, though, (if only for the free joint medicine - because  as everyone knows, if *anyone* knows anything about selling joints, it's Indians!). That said, (in English), I thought he was *already* a Full blooded Indian? (you'd have no idea to look at him that he was Anemic.).  And if he already is, what gives? (INDIANS!). That’s kinda getting greedy if you ask me. Although, I wouldn’t put it past the guy. After all, he once sold out to Ted DiBiase (in exchange for beads, blankets and a cure for Polio -  Remember him? He was always butting his nose into the Quebecers matches! ).

 

But anyways, best of luck to Tatanka in re-becoming an Indian anyway. (I'm convinced he thinks he'll get 2 Welfare checks outta the deal, though! - if only to prolly support his stripper sister, Dirty Dances with Wolves).

 

Hope that answers your questions but not really.

 

-The Baconman.

 

Ok, homos, that’s it for this HUGE BIGTIME edition of the Réport. But first, I just wanted to tell you all that I’m currently selling my ride as I no longer need it anymore (I'm rich and thus better than you.). Anyone who’s interested in  my pimped out, customized (theres an 8 track player and everything!) Baconmobile, give me your best offer here, and maybe a picture of yer wife's titties -  and remember, it’s a limited time offer, and will only be available until it’s sold! So get to it or be a faggot!bacon.jpg

 

Consider this Bacon Brought!

 

-CB.


For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends!
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).