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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Thursday, March 2, 2006 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey Baconfans, it's me, your favourite neighbour to the north and a man so “Inside” I’m practically in another dimension!!!! (Scott Bakula says Hey - only not really 'cause he's not real!!! Ridiculous!) .

Anyways, after the bigtime long hiatus, which I understand is Indian for shoes (they have over 900 words for them but only one for friend. Sad)  I'm finally back with another edition of Bringing Home The Bacon! God’s favourite written word since that Holey Bible (I think it’s time to get a new one if it’s in that bad a shape!).

Anyways, unfortunately, my tenure as the Smackdown recapper of the Gods (I’m no longer changing Friday nights) is over, because the drunkard Doctor Gonzo will be back this week trying to type and drink a magnum at the same time! (not a gun.  Although it is possible once he sees with his own ears how much better I was than him!!!!). Truth!!!11 Anyways, I knows that deep down in the pit of your souls this makes you die a little inside and not just because of your unhealthy lifestyles neither. So, I decided I’d break out another time-tested winner in winning: The Bacon Réport! Because I’ll be frank (you can be someone else), this site doesn’t exactly deliver the NEWS, does it? And let’s face it, The Baconman’s got so many scoops they should call me Raisin Bran… and not just because reading me is a great way to clean out your asshole!

With that said and such, last Summer, JR brought back his world famous Ross Report, but turns out it was filled with falsehoods, deceptions or lies even! The industry was turned on its ears, and no one was left to trust… no one but CANADIAN BACON that is! So the Bacon Réport was born. And here we are. So, remember, if it wasn’t written by Canadian Bacon, chances are it prolly wasn’t written by him!

Onto the News, Opnions and INSIDE Info of Insideness! Onto the Bacon Réport!

BACON RÉPORT

NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW  STUFF

(03/02/06)

-Rey Mysterio recently said in an interview that Eddie Guerrero is with him every wherever he goes. And I got to say, THAT’S AWFUL! Let the man be buried and rest in peace! It was bad enough when Randy orton said he was in hell (although, all that stealing and lying prolly didn't help eddie's heavenly cause!) but Imagine WWE executives allowing Rey to actually cart  his corpse around with him!!!  I mean, sure, i did that once when I interned at a mortuary, and the undertaker (not that one; just a guy) got all peeved that I dragged it around, talked dirty to it and had sex with it (they really should sew the vag's closed on those things!) - but that wasn't a beloved wrestling icon and technician of the highest caliber - it was just some dead teenaged girl that I had to swear I'd never tell the family I violated.

So, you should be ashamed of yourself, Rey! But mostly cause you look like a child. Grow already!

-Stacy Keibler just finished up with Dancing with the Stars. And good thing, too, because she was really taking her life into her hands there! I didn’t watch it, but I can’t imagine why anyone would agree to be launched into space although you could tell by listening to her talk and blink vapidly that emptiness was more than welcome/familiar! Surely she could dance somewhere where there’s oxygen and atmosphere and air even, though? And Imagine how hard it’d be to dance in zero gravity!!! (I've always found it difficult in full gravity, and I can bend time!). 

Anyways, she’s back from the cosmos, but still didn’t win. Too bad. However, my bigtime sources (me) have told me that there’s a pretty good chance that Jerry Rice and Drew Lachey burned up upon re-entry in our orbit, so she still has a shot! Go Stacy! (to my apt! I'm waiting, dink in hand!).

-ECW has made the announcement that there will definitely be a 2nd Night Stand. AWESOME. Finally, they’ll have somewhere to put their other lamp. That bedroom must’ve looked ridiculously unbalanced!

-I’ve heard recently through my reliable sources (they said Independence day would fall on July 4th this year and THEY WERE RIGHT, so don’t doubt them)  that Vince insists that ALL the WWE Divas get IMPLANTS now. And by that, I assume he meant complicated tracking devices! I mean, what better way to keep Pepsi drinking Lotharios like CM Punk from corrupting the women of wrestling and stretching their crevaces with his dirty seed and love of geometry (he’s straightedge. I’m more of a protractor man, myself) then to place tiny devices in these women so Vince will know their whereabouts at ALL TIMES and maybe even destroy them if they falter/get injured/ don't blow him? It’s GENIUS!  BIG BROTHER IS HERE~~~!!!!111 (not Ahmed Johnson).

- Speaking of big brothers, why does Monty Brown always say he’ll take people to the Serengeti? Surely all those plane tickets to Africa have to add up! Sure it’s a nice gesture to send your opponents on a nice African vacation when ur done shoulder-tackling them, but save your money, big man. Or at least vary the destination. (one where the AIDS isn't spreading like Wildfire Tommy Rich!). I hear the Yucatan Peninsula is lovely this time of year and almost completely virus free! (unless you count Eskimos!).

-TNA released a press statement the other day, GUARANTEEING that they have cables that will support Samoa Joe (not financially. He's on his own there.). WOW, though. Who knew Samoa Joe was really a MARIENETTE? He looks so life-like! (and fat). No wonder he doesn’t talk so much. Be pretty hard to hide the ventriloquist out in the ring! (and even harder to fit his hand up his asshole!). Craziness!

-I’ve heard reports that Big Show was kicked out of a Grocery store recently for pushing eggs and other perishable food items through his rings, just because! Jim Ross was said to be instigating the whole thing!!!

-Kane has a new movie coming out soon! I heard the ending is kinda of a letdown, though. Apparently, Kane is doing a really good job destroying everybody in his path, when Triple H suddenly appears in like the last half hour and pins him for no good reason! No one then buys Kane as a murderer anymore and the remaining survivors easily beat him because his mystique is totally gone!  Hey, I think I might have seen this movie before.

-On RAW, Marty Jannetty admitted that he had no car. Man. I feel terrible for him. Imagine having to walk everywhere in those cumbersome furry zebra print boots! Talk about discomfort. And then he said he had no food!  What a shame.  And heck, I don’t think it’d be too hard to imagine he’d prolly be holding a sign at the side of the road somewheres that’d says, “Will do devastating top rope fist-drop/rock n'roll & strut & stroll for Food”… even if Marty is a proud man. And still, after that, none of you greedy guts gave it to him! Terrible. I mean, the poor guy was prolly standing all perched up somewhere high with a donation cup in his hand, just waiting for someone to give him the high sign to punch them between the eyes from a great height. And still nothing. Not even a quarter. You’d prolly get at least decent crescent kick for that much. Cheapskates.

Let it be known that the Baconman is more than willing to take complicated top rope maneuvers if it means Marty Jannetty can eat. I’m like a humanitarian, even though I hate people and don’t care about their plight whatsoever.

Anyways, from there, he then revealed that he’d be homeless if not for his friend Rod The Bod. And I gotta say,  I have no doubts this is his actual legit, real-life Christian name. (mine is Kevin; while my Edge name is RAGE). And man, talk about pressure! When your real last name is The Bod,  you really don’t have much choice but to be in good shape, do you? You can’t very well go around being all fat or obese even with that surname. (Kind of like how Doink The Clown had no real choice as to what vocation to pursue in life because of his unfortunate last name of ‘The Clown’. Not too many Doink the Lawyers running around, this I assure you!!!111)  So, in closing, I'd like to wish Marty Good luck, I'd help you out personally, but I don't want to.

-WWE has apparently introduced their brand new “wellness program” that they say will put an end to drug and steroid use once and for all for all the wrestlers actually not given the heads up/ volunteer piss! (about time!). The only person apparently exempt from this policy is Matt Hardy, because he’s immortal, and can’t die no matter what so who cares if he overdoses/gets  pinned every week. Maybe in 40 years when everyone who hates him is dead he'll get to win a match! (Fingers-crossed, Matt! - in that cool V1 style that doubles as the shocker - a sex move that I've botched/crippled with a bunch of times. (5 in the pink; 5 in the stink! - but the good news is I can use her as a puppet now --- just like Samoa Joe!)).

Anyways, this was prolly the biggest news of the week, and *certain* people have to be bigtime scared. STEROIDS are a huge problem in wrestling (I’m looking at you Trevor Murdoch) and it’s about time Vince cleaned up the company by getting rid of the troublemakers who could lead an honest guy like Batista down the wrong path easy (stick to your guns, big man!). Heck, every one should take a page out of Chris Masters play book, and just build their bodies naturally like him. Heck, the guy even lost 50 pounds of muscle mass in 3 weeks just to make all the steroid abusers feel better about themselves. And I don’t think I need to tell you that would be IMPOSSIBLE if he had ever been on steroids! That's commitment right there.

Apparently steroids aren’t the only thing prohibited by this bigtime policy. All illegal drugs are included too! And although I don’t know when the first test will go down, I heard from a reliable source that former WWF stars Jake Roberts, Roddy Piper, Scott Hall and Brutus Beefcake have ALL volunteered to head up the testing committee, and personally offer their services to seek out and confiscate ALL the drugs!!!…with Beefcake even volunteering to destroy any and all contraband by consuming it completely! Now that’s dedication! (and he's got the scissors  to cut it up nicely!).

-Speaking of drugs, the first pill scare since the policy apparently happened with LITA, who was said to start accidentally choking on her Valtrex, but thankfully half the boys in the locker room were right there on the scene to give her penis to mouth insemination! She should count herself lucky/pregnant!

-RF Video has apparently completed a controversial shoot with Tammy Sytch. And hey, I know she’s fallen on hard times and all, but that’s no reason to let yourself be SHOT IN A SNUFF FILM! Man, that Rob Feinstein is not only a pedophile (Although I don’t have problems with feet doctors myself) but he’s a MURDERER, too!!!!11 (although, there are rumors that Sonny Siaki may have been the actual triggerman/dropkicker. Take this for what it’s not worth.).

-Someone recently emailed the Baconman, and asked if we’ll ever see Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak end. Boy I hope so! Although, I’ve never seen him do it, a guy that big with that many tattoos should NEVER be allowed to run through the arena NAKED. That’s just horrible and confusing. ( With all that ink, I don't know where his dick starts and his penis ends!).

-Is it just me, or does Mickie James seem to have the bigtime lesbian feelings for Trish Stratus? And like you, for the longest time, I believed the elusive Lesbian to be a myth much like the Greek Cracken or Darwin's Evolution, but I was SURPRISED that they do actually exist! And not just on My Space or TV sitcoms neither, but EVERYWHERE. Who’d have ever thunk it? In fact, Lesbians or ‘Lesbianism’ was actually invented sometime in the late 1960’s in Lebonon (their home country) by a pioneer in that field named Ruth Lesbian (hence the name) who came up with the concept/disease. Amazing. Also, apparently, as one of my readers pointed out, they don’t like to be referred to by their scientific name of “Dykes” or the lesser known, "Penis-hating cunts". Beats me as to why. I mean,  the former can even be tied into Canada’s national animal, the noble and courageous BEAVER, so it can’t be that bad. I means, we all know Beavers spend most of their time in Dikes, while Dykes spends most of their time in beavers… so what’s the problem? There’s an obvious connection.... powered via batteries!!11 IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

Anyways, it doesn’t look too good for Mickie, because as of this printing, there is no known cure for lesbianism, other than a special injection they don't seem to want. (Believe me, I try to administer it all the time.). But I’m sure our scientists/penises will find a way.

-Another reader whose name I never cared to remember/ask asked Baconman about his opinion about this year’s potential WWE Draft. And I say this; THERE’S NO EXCUSE TO EVER GO TO WAR. And besides, aren’t there enough soldiers over there without having to send WWE superstars into combat? (although, Hulk Hogan would at least finally end that Gulf war like he did in 1991 when he pinned Sgt. Slaughter. BIG LEGS > BILLIONS ON MISSILES/SILLY HAIRCUTS).

AND FINALLY, I HAVE RECENTLY LEARNED A SHOCKING TRUTH. A super-duper secret insider source (Dave Meltzer) recently gave me a tip that former WWE star Muhammad Hassan was not only NOT a real Muslim, but NOT EVEN HUMAN either. (ppl in the south believe this, regardless, I hear.). Apparently, he is an EXTRA TERRESTRIAL, (they brought a spare) who only *appeared* to be human. Hard to believe, I know, but apparently the truth is RIGHT IN THE OPENING CHORDS OF HASSAN’S THEME MUSIC. We were just too blind to hear it!!!111

Here listen here:

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See!!!!111 "ALIEN, ALIEN, ALIEN, ALIEN, ALIEN!!!!" It’s as clear as night. And I don’t know about yous guys, but I for one, CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!!

Ok Faggots, that’s it for this newsy edition of news and such. I’ll be back when I’m here.

bacon.jpgConsider this Bacon Brought.

-CB.

 

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).