He’s SO GOOD at what he does in the ring that he makes you forget that
wrestling is supposed to be all about athleticism and believability.
That’s talent! Plus, he can squash APPLES with his bare hands (bear
hands?) which I imagine makes him none too popular in the produce aisle.
My only problem though with Mark, is
prolly his hygiene. I mean, why would they call him the “World’s Strongest
Man” if not for an obvious and startling body odor problem? I means,
he even used to mention his “stank” all the time which can’t be good.
Plus, I’ve heard almost every writer online when reviewing his matches
saying that he completely stinks, so my theory HAS to be true.
But anyway, Stinky pits or not, Mark
Henry takes his place amongst the Elite or important even. I’d follow
his AWESOME example and tear my phone book or frying pan in
half too, but that’s where I keep all my numbers and cook all my food.
(how is he even fat without a proper pan to cook his food in?).
Ware- For YEARS, Koko
used to encourage us all to “do the bird”, but I always found it preposterous.
I mean, how would you ever fit your dink into its tiny bum? Impossible.
Even for someone with a lean penile like myself.
Anyways, when you discount his incessant
pushing to perform bestiality on God’s winged creatures, he was a pretty accomplished
wrestler with big pants and an even bigger heart (better get to the
doctor). In fact he racked up an almost Goldberg streak in wrestling…
If Goldberg had lost all his matches instead of won them1!!! He also
had a cool finisher with the Ghostbuster. I was somewhat sad that it
didn’t involve the proton pack and ghost trap follow up you’d expect
with such a hold but whatever. Still though, If Koko had just sucked
Butch Reed into the trap he’d have got the duke at Wrestlemania 3, and
Butch would knee deep in Ectoplasm right now in the containment unit,
trying to avoid Owen hart's hilarious pranks. If only.
Koko was also cool because he wore
one white glove just like Michael Jackson. Only
he didn’t sexually abuse children like the King of Pop. But
that’s something I never understood. Why would you ever complain
about being violated if you had a ball pit to play in, Pirate costumes
to wear, and LLAMAS to ride?! That’s a good host.
I mean, so what if he fondled you? So what? When you ever going
to get to ride llamas again? It’s a fair trade off, I’d think. I mean,
really. LLAMAS. The sexual insult will fade with time but a day that
fun will stick with you forever! (Am I the only one who sees this??!!!).
Anyways, congratulations to Koko. Your
pestering of me on the My Space site has finally paid off. Now go buy a pet that’s
not flammable. Or maybe a LLAMA! You won’t be sorry you did!
Moses: That’s right, the emancipator
of the Jews! The Jews were slaves in Egypt for years (which explains
why they save their money so good now), until Moses came along
and freed them from their bondage. (I didn’t realize the Egyptians
were into kinky S& M!). The Egyptians couldn’t have been too pleased
to lose such a reputable and hardworking workforce, however, though, that’s
for sure, even if all they did was complain and order Chinese food all
the time (you thought delivery was slow these days!). I mean, Black
people like to talk about slavery a lot, but I don’t remember y’all
BUILDING A PYRAMID. Score one for the Hebe's!
I have put over the awesomeness of Mr. Hughes before, so why not finally
*officially* induct him?
Most black dudes who wear sunglasses all
the time are blind, but not Mr. Hughes… unless he did a real great job
of hiding it! Mr. Hughes started out as Lex Luger’s bodyguard then he
went to the WWF where he stole undertaker’s urn, before getting fired
for cocaine, which prolly explains the sunglasses. Perfect way to cover
up those coked out eyes fer sure!
Mr. Hughes came back to wwf in 1999
all sober and such and acted as Chris Jericho’s bodyguard. He still
wore the glasses but this time he wore some faggoty-assed disco shirt
instead of the shirt and tie… which obviously proved me wrong… HE WAS
BLIND. No one with functioning eyes would willfully wear this shirt.
And for a blind guy he surely could move in that ring. And while he
coulda begged for money in front of liquor stores like other blind
people (Come on, how hard is it to see, really?!!) he chose to instead unleash
big side walk slams, and all without the aid of a dog or telescopic
walking stick. AWESOME. Most other blind guys just play a piano,
but not Hughes, he had real talent. (I don’t think
I need to tell you how complicated a body slam is even with eyesight!).
Anyways, they fired Mr. Hughes soon
after anyway, and he didn’t see it coming. (prolly cause he was blind).
It was a sad day for wrestling fans but not really.
Anyways, congrats to Mr. Hughes!
It doesn’t take a blind man (hahahaha) to see your talent and that this
is well deserved. Now get back on the spank and bring back the REAL
Mr. Hughes of old. Cocaine never hurt anybody important.
Warlord- Another inductee DUE for
this was another man I’ve put over as the 2nd coming of Christ, (known
for his extra orgasms, I suppose), the Mighty Warlord. He was a
big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a mustache that
looked kinda like a walrus, which is the tiger of the ocean and a friend
to Canada! Only instead of eating seals (that's why he hasn't cut an
album in awhile) Warlord chose to hook on the full nelson, prolly
the best submission hold ever that looks like yer doing nothing!!! And
in the hands of Warlord it was prolly lethal to boot (which he also
used on occasion).
Anyways, tragedy struck Warlord eventually
when he was run over by a PIZZA TRUCK. Warlord was
severely injured but the pie got there on time, and that’s the important
So congratulations, Warlord! And btw,
you used to always carry around a wand with a big “W” on it, but never
told us what it stood for. Oh well. Some mysteries will never be solved,
Dusty Rhodes- He’s the American Dream, but he never
told us what dream that was. I hope it wasn’t the one where you go to
school and realize you forgot your pants. I always hated that one. (they
were really awesome pants.).
My favourite thing about Dusty is how
realistic looking he is. I mean he’s a perfect knock
off of a real-life flesh(y) and blood(y) person. To look at him, you’d
never ever know he was really a CYBORG. I mean
a bionic elbow? It all makes sense now! And it also explains
how he could bleed so much and not die. He has an internal metallic
endoskeleton chasse! (it's just a shame his synthetic skin came coupled
with so much synthetic fat! Must've been a rib-- which he prolly ate!).
Now let’s just hope the government
computers don’t get self-aware, or Dusty just might hunt us all down
and finish off Humanity with a series of intricate elbow smashes and
crotch thrusts. He can’t be reasoned with! And he absolutely will not
stop eating and insisting you put him over whether its relevant
or not until you are dead, if you weel.
Operation: I have this game to thank
for everything I know about the medicular field (A LOT!). Because of
its precision, I’m confident I could perform many complicated surgeries
on naked ppl with lightbulbs for noses, without wasting tens of thousands
on useless medical school. In fact, if any of yous guys ever need a
huge oblong bone pulled from your abdomen without getting electrocuted,
I’m definitely your man!
Undertaker: And finally, we have
The Undertaker. Most real life boring Undertaker’s spend their time
elbow deep in bodily organs, and never experience the full
experience of undertakering, including stuffing live people into
caskets, tormenting the fat & evil and of course practicing
the DARK SIDE MAGIC. I once dared an Undertaker to give me the electric
death from his finger tips, but NOTHING happened. Heck, I even blindsided
him, threw him in one of his caskets, chopped holes in it with pick
axe and set it on fire with gasoline just like WWE, and HE JUST BURNED
TO DEATH. No mysterious escapes, no bigtime back from the dead returns.
I mean, what kind of Undertaker was this guy? (besides dead). WEIRD.
Still though, I partially gave Undertaker
this award now (after all, he still is only in the formative years of
his career) because of a recent incident. Apparently Undertaker almost
contracted GINGIVITIS at Armageddon from Cowboy Bob Orton, and no one
told Undertaker of Bob’s diseased gums~! Ridiculous. Apparently Bob
Orton didn’t practice proper oral hygiene (brushing ur teeth after blowjobs
is a must) and contracted the evil Gingivitis when he was teenager!
And I believe it too. After all, look at how bad he took care of that
busted arm of his! (he wore a cast for 20 years!). Just imagine what
his teeth must be like!!!! And to someone with a glorious white smile
like the Deadman, this had to be devastating. I mean, imagine if Undertaker
had to take time out of not putting anyone over to go see the dentist?
(i'd recommend against asking Kane to do it. Especially after
the fire, burials & deaths and all). Someone might get a push that
deserves an opportunity, and I as a wrestling fan just can’t stand for
So, congratulations to Undertaker for
being the last inductee for 2006, and good luck with your gums.
I’ll pay tribute to your bigtime accomplishments by drawing power
from my grampa’s own urn sitting on our mantle. (I can’t seem to
derive anything from it thus far, though. Am I doing something wrong?
(besides rubbing the ashes on my face and pretending I'm a black
man). And when does it become filled with swirling light and darkside
magic? Right now it’s all dust and what appears to be the wingtip
of his cobbled shoes. Not good.).