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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.

Friday, February 3, 2006 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey there, faggots. It’s me, your favorite neighbour to the North and online demigod Canadian Bacon! Ya!!!!11 Anyways, first and foremosts I’d like to wish yous guys a belated Happy New Year’s. And I mean the real one, not the fake Chinese one; which I’d assume was made up just to spite us round eyes. Get with the program, China! I mean they’re obviously a relatively new country, so it’s not like they have an ancient culture steeped in tradition and can argue the point. So what gives? Sheesh.   Anyways, I’d also like to address the BIGTIME TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE that befell The Baconman recently when he was ROBBED and stoled from of his Golden Tenay award for the 2nd straight year - but my attorney has informed me not to. (formal charges have been filed somewhere!!!). But what I will say is this, trauma has caused a slight decrease in the movement of Pewter statuettes in the last month, which has cost me somewhere in the neighbourhood of 15 Canadian Dollars OUT OF MY POCKET. That kind of money just doesn’t grow on trees.  All I can say is that this is not over! Just like that Count of Monte Crisco Oil , I will have my revenge!   So, stay tuned to the forum for more information on my Bigtime civil (although it could erupt at anytime) Lawsuit against sean Carless and the evildoers! You’re either with me, or you’re with the terrorists. You must choose!!!!11   Moving on!!! I was sitting back, admiring Canada, land that I love (Fact: Canada was discovered in 1936 by a man named Joe Canada and named in his honour) trying to put together another edition of the Bacon Report, but the only news item I saw worth mentioning was Vince McMahon allegedly fondling a Tanning Salon attendant, and showing her naked photos of himself on his cell phone. But so what? If God really didn’t want us to grope women, he wouldn’t have given them boobies and us none (most of us). I mean, you can’t blame Vince. In the supermarket, we’re encouraged to squeeze and test the produce, but suddenly it’s a crime in real life? Silly. Vince is just being a smart shopper if you ask me. (and he's bought A LOT of titties over the years!). And as for the nude photos, I’d assume he was just getting her opinion on his all over tan. Afteralls, that IS her job! ( I often expose myself to the nurses - even when I don't have appointments!). What a baby. I mean, what’s next? Women file charges when you secretly ejaculate in their lingerie drawer? Anarchy!!!11   Anyways, after this story, I was at a loss, but then it hit me… THE BACON HALL OF FAME. It’s been a whole year or 12 months even to be more precise since the last one, and the wrestlers and celebrities have been beating down my door since then begging for a spot amongst the ELITE. Getting into the Bacon HOF is clearly the validation so many people crave. After all, how would you ever know you accomplished anything unless I told you so? Obviously.   Anyways, I thought now would be a appropriate time to induct some more people into its hollowed halls, (which I just tunnelled) where their lingering memory can live on etched in the annals of time or somehing until it isn’t anymore. Here is the Baconman’s strict criteria:   *You can’t suck.   *You can’t be of Eskimo heritage. (They think they’re all so smart walking around with their snow shoes while we’s guys trek about with wet socks! Ridiculous!).   That’s it.  Near impossible standards, I know, but we can’t make it too easy for people. I’m not just giving these away, after all.  
BACON HALL OF FAME
CLASS OF 2006!:
(Class of 2005 HERE!!11)
 
Mark Henry-  He’s SO GOOD at what he does in the ring that he makes you forget that wrestling is supposed to be all about athleticism and believability. That’s talent! Plus, he can squash APPLES with his bare hands (bear hands?) which I imagine makes him none too popular in the produce aisle. Just saying.
 
My only problem though with Mark, is prolly his hygiene. I mean, why would they call him the “World’s Strongest Man” if not for an obvious and startling body odor problem? I means, he even used to mention his “stank” all the time which can’t be good. Plus, I’ve heard almost every writer online when reviewing his matches saying that he completely stinks, so my theory HAS to be true.
 
But anyway, Stinky pits or not, Mark Henry takes his place amongst the Elite or important even. I’d follow his AWESOME example and tear my phone book or frying pan in half too, but that’s where I keep all my numbers and cook all my food. (how is he even fat without a proper pan to cook his food in?).
 
Koko B. Ware-  For YEARS, Koko used to encourage us all to “do the bird”, but I always found it preposterous. I mean, how would you ever fit your dink into its tiny bum? Impossible. Even for someone with a lean penile like myself.
 
Anyways, when you discount his incessant pushing to perform bestiality on God’s winged creatures, he was a pretty accomplished wrestler with big pants and an even bigger heart (better get to the doctor). In fact he racked up an almost Goldberg streak in wrestling… If Goldberg had lost all his matches instead of won them1!!! He also had a cool finisher with the Ghostbuster. I was somewhat sad that it didn’t involve the proton pack and ghost trap follow up you’d expect with such a hold but whatever. Still though, If Koko had just sucked Butch Reed into the trap he’d have got the duke at Wrestlemania 3, and Butch would knee deep in Ectoplasm right now in the containment unit, trying to avoid Owen hart's hilarious pranks. If only.
 
Koko was also cool because he wore one white glove just like Michael Jackson. Only he didn’t sexually abuse children like the King of Pop. But that’s something I never understood. Why would you ever complain about being violated if you had a ball pit to play in, Pirate costumes to wear, and LLAMAS to ride?! That’s a good host. I mean, so what if he fondled you? So what? When you ever going to get to ride llamas again? It’s a fair trade off, I’d think. I mean, really. LLAMAS. The sexual insult will fade with time but a day that fun will stick with you forever! (Am I the only one who sees this??!!!).
 
Anyways, congratulations to Koko. Your pestering of me on the My Space site has finally paid off. Now go buy a pet that’s not flammable. Or maybe a LLAMA! You won’t be sorry you did!
 
Moses: That’s right, the emancipator of the Jews! The Jews were slaves in Egypt for years (which explains why they save their money so good now), until Moses came along and freed them from their bondage. (I didn’t realize the Egyptians were into kinky S& M!). The Egyptians couldn’t have been too pleased to lose such a reputable and hardworking workforce, however, though, that’s for sure, even if all they did was complain and order Chinese food all the time (you thought delivery was slow these days!). I mean, Black people like to talk about slavery a lot, but I don’t remember y’all BUILDING A PYRAMID. Score one for the Hebe's!
 
Mr. Hughes-  I have put over the awesomeness of Mr. Hughes before, so why not finally *officially* induct him?
 
 Most black dudes who wear sunglasses all the time are blind, but not Mr. Hughes… unless he did a real great job of hiding it! Mr. Hughes started out as Lex Luger’s bodyguard then he went to the WWF where he stole undertaker’s urn, before getting fired for cocaine, which prolly explains the sunglasses. Perfect way to cover up those coked out eyes fer sure!
 
Mr. Hughes came back to wwf in 1999 all sober and such and acted as Chris Jericho’s bodyguard. He still wore the glasses but this time he wore some faggoty-assed disco shirt instead of the shirt and tie… which obviously proved me wrong… HE WAS BLIND. No one with functioning eyes would willfully wear this shirt. And for a blind guy he surely could move in that ring. And while he coulda begged for money in front of liquor stores like other blind people (Come on, how hard is it to see, really?!!) he chose to instead unleash big side walk slams, and all without the aid of a dog or telescopic walking stick. AWESOME.  Most other blind guys just play a piano, but not Hughes, he had real talent. (I don’t think I need to tell you how complicated a body slam is even with eyesight!).
 
Anyways, they fired Mr. Hughes soon after anyway, and he didn’t see it coming. (prolly cause he was blind). It was a sad day for wrestling fans but not really.
 
Anyways, congrats to Mr. Hughes!  It doesn’t take a blind man (hahahaha) to see your talent and that this is well deserved. Now get back on the spank and bring back the REAL Mr. Hughes of old. Cocaine never hurt anybody important.
 
Warlord- Another inductee DUE for this was another man I’ve put over as the 2nd coming of Christ, (known for his extra orgasms, I suppose), the Mighty Warlord. He was a big muscleman and that means he was great. He also had a mustache that looked kinda like a walrus, which is the tiger of the ocean and a friend to Canada! Only instead of eating seals (that's why he hasn't cut an album in awhile) Warlord chose to hook on the full nelson, prolly the best submission hold ever that looks like yer doing nothing!!! And in the hands of Warlord it was prolly lethal to boot (which he also used on occasion).
 
Anyways, tragedy struck Warlord eventually when he was run over by a PIZZA TRUCK. Warlord was severely injured but the pie got there on time, and that’s the important thing.
 
So congratulations, Warlord! And btw, you used to always carry around a wand with a big “W” on it, but never told us what it stood for. Oh well. Some mysteries will never be solved, I guess.
 
Dusty Rhodes- He’s the American Dream, but he never told us what dream that was. I hope it wasn’t the one where you go to school and realize you forgot your pants. I always hated that one. (they were really awesome pants.).
 
My favourite thing about Dusty is how realistic looking he is. I mean he’s a perfect knock off of a real-life flesh(y) and blood(y) person. To look at him, you’d never ever know he was really a CYBORG. I mean a bionic elbow? It all makes sense now! And it also explains how he could bleed so much and not die. He has an internal metallic endoskeleton chasse! (it's just a shame his synthetic skin came coupled with so much synthetic fat! Must've been a rib-- which he prolly ate!). 
 
Now let’s just hope the government computers don’t get self-aware, or Dusty just might hunt us all down and finish off Humanity with a series of intricate elbow smashes and crotch thrusts. He can’t be reasoned with! And he absolutely will not stop eating and insisting you put him over whether its relevant or not until you are dead, if you weel.
 
Operation: I have this game to thank for everything I know about the medicular field (A LOT!). Because of its precision, I’m confident I could perform many complicated surgeries on naked ppl with lightbulbs for noses, without wasting tens of thousands on useless medical school. In fact, if any of yous guys ever need a huge oblong bone pulled from your abdomen without getting electrocuted, I’m definitely your man!
 
Undertaker:  And finally, we have The Undertaker. Most real life boring Undertaker’s spend their time elbow deep in bodily organs, and never experience the full experience of undertakering, including stuffing live people into caskets, tormenting the fat & evil and of course practicing the DARK SIDE MAGIC. I once dared an Undertaker to give me the electric death from his finger tips, but NOTHING happened. Heck, I even blindsided him, threw him in one of his caskets, chopped holes in it with pick axe and set it on fire with gasoline just like WWE, and HE JUST BURNED TO DEATH. No mysterious escapes, no bigtime back from the dead returns. I mean, what kind of Undertaker was this guy? (besides dead). WEIRD.
 
Still though, I partially gave Undertaker this award now (after all, he still is only in the formative years of his career) because of a recent incident. Apparently Undertaker almost contracted GINGIVITIS at Armageddon from Cowboy Bob Orton, and no one told Undertaker of Bob’s diseased gums~! Ridiculous. Apparently Bob Orton didn’t practice proper oral hygiene (brushing ur teeth after blowjobs is a must) and contracted the evil Gingivitis when he was teenager! And I believe it too. After all, look at how bad he took care of that busted arm of his! (he wore a cast for 20 years!). Just imagine what his teeth must be like!!!! And to someone with a glorious white smile like the Deadman, this had to be devastating. I mean, imagine if Undertaker had to take time out of not putting anyone over to go see the dentist? (i'd recommend against asking Kane to do it.  Especially after the fire, burials & deaths and all). Someone might get a push that deserves an opportunity, and I as a wrestling fan just can’t stand for that.
 
So, congratulations to Undertaker for being the last inductee for 2006, and good luck with your gums. I’ll pay tribute to your bigtime accomplishments by drawing power from my grampa’s own urn sitting on our mantle. (I can’t seem to derive anything from it thus far, though. Am I doing something wrong? (besides rubbing the ashes on my face and pretending I'm a black man). And when does it become filled with swirling light and darkside magic? Right now it’s all dust and what appears to be the wingtip of his cobbled shoes. Not good.).
 
BONUS TIME!
  That’s right, just because I despise a good lot of you for not rallying behind my cause and pretty much cementing my tragic Writer of the Year award loss (I still smell a rat though  - although that could be my balls!), it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be eligible to win a great prize! That’s right, it’s Bacon Trivia time! And the first person to correctly answer all these questions about me, will win a fantastic ziplocked bag brimming full with the cereal known as Boo Berry. That’s right, BOO BERRY. It’s like hard to digest GOLD for your stomach! In fact, it’s priceless. ( no one will pay me anything for it.) Heck, I’ll even sign the bag, that way when I’m prime Minister one day, you can sell the autograph to feed your disgusting drug habits. It’s that awesome.

  Here we go;

  1. What is the Baconman’s Fat cousin’s name?

  2. Who is Baconman’s bestest friend in the whole universe or world even?

  3. What’s the name of the Pewter statuette company I’m gainfully (and sexily) employed by?

  4. What’s my FAVOURITE sport prolly besides Wrestling?

  5. What part of my anatomy is disproportionate to the rest of my body?

  6. What’s the name of my Hometown?

  7. What part time job was I employed with by Stampede wrestling?

  8. What enormous item did I once lift from Bruce Hart’s dufflebag?

  9. Name two of the three individuals I patterned my ENTIRE life after.

  10. Who was the TRUE LEGIT REAL Writer of the Year who was robbed or stolen from even?????

    Ok, that’s it. Send your answers to twf_bacon@yahoo.ca  and I’ll priority mail your Boo Berry A.S.A.P. (or sooner when I figure out what that stands for).

  bacon.jpgThat’s all for this week, faggots!   Consider this Bacon Brought.
  -CB.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).