The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
Wednesday December 14, 2005 12:00AM |
Bringing Home The
Bacon
By Canadian
Bacon
Anyways, I'd first like to wish
yous and yours a bigtime Merry Christmas. That's right I
said it! What's this Kwanzaa business? Leave that
silliness on the safari where it belongs, buster! This
is the time of the Jesus who was born in
Anyways, whether you're one
of our Jewish friends who killed our saviour or just a
filthy godless pagan, I'd like to share with yous some
yuletide tidings and such! But get your acts together
already; you’ve already had 2000 years to get with
the program!
Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out
of the way, let me present yet another edition
of….
THE BACON
RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW EVEN
MORE STUFF
Anyways, in our last edition, I
explained that there just wasn’t any reputable news out
there worth believing, and even Jim Ross could no longer
be trusted! So, in turn I adopted my own Ross
Report-like awesomeness to fill yous heroes in on the
God’s truth of professional wrestling, straight from the
moose’s mouth. And who better to relay these insights
than a man (ME!) who’s so respected, revered and trusted
in this industry that I'm revered, trusted &
respected? EXACTLY. (I once knew a guy who dropped
a half eaten Eskimo pie into Mr. Hughes pork-pie hat in
1992 while it was sitting on the time keeper’s table so
I think I know what I’m talking
about!).
So, now that yous all know the
score (BACONMAN: 8 YOUS:
0) let’s get on with the Bacon
Report!
-The Kingsport Times-News in
Anyways, Ricky as we speak is sitting in his cell, and even worse he’s apparently been wearing the same pair of avocado green tights and faux white tiger boots for three months straight and it’s really starting to stink! Even worse than his match with the Headbangers in 1998 even! Anyways, Ricky needs your help and fast. He needs money and you can help. GIVE RICKY THE MUCH NEEDED HOT TAG (he's been raped for 3 months straight while all the girls cry and no one saves him) by clicking here. Those pants are itchy and ridiculous and the sides & top of his hair are likely the same length as the back now and that’s just not right. Help Ricky Morton! Without him a R&R Express double dropkick is just one dude jumping in the air with a dropkick and that’s not very credible if you ask me!
-Matt Hardy’s ass was apparently
very sore after his amazing two thousand story leg drop
from the unforgiving steel cage ( he even tried
apologizing, but nothing!) at Unforgiven with Edge!
Lita’s ass was said to even be more sore
though because Edge stopped using astroglide when they
make love. It’s outrageous! Both asses were said to be
in good spirits
though.
-Jim Ross is said to be doing much better now that he’s had his colon surgery. The Doctor removed the problem area. He now has a semi-colon.
- WWE officials tell me they are
impressed with Ashley Massaro’s attitude,
vagina, and desire to learn how to wrestle
terribly. One source was quoted as saying when it comes
to really really bad wrestling, she’s a “natural”, end
quote.
- Rumors are going around that the Jake Roberts DVD does in fact contain an 8 ball of pure rock cocaine within! The street value of the disk is said to be somewhere in the range of 12,000 dollars! My bigtime sources have also informed me that Robert Downey junior has suddenly taken up an interest in Jake’s career! Weird!
Speaking of Roberts DVD, in it
he’s quite candid and such about his drug use and
mentions his personal demons. Hey! What’s so great about
this guy that he gets his own personal demons?
He should learn to share like the rest of us. Greedy
guts.
- For the last 5 years I assumed
that Nunzio’s FBI acronym on his bum meant he was
moonlighting for the Federal Government , but it turns
out it really means “Full Blooded Italian". Thank God,
though. I’m just glad to hear he’s got plasma to spare.
A guy couldn’t last too long if he didn’t have all his
blood that’s fer sure. (I'm a homophiliac so I know the
dangers).
-Bret’s recent DVD release has brought the “Vince screwing Bret” debate back again. Did Vince Screw Bret? I say no. I prefer to use the term 'made love to'. “Screw” takes all the love and romance out of the sexual act and that's just not right. Vince "made love" to Bret in 1997! It was a little rough sure, and bret still can't walk right to this day, but I'm sticking to it! Literally! (don't ask. it has to do with my penis and stickniess.).
-My sources have informed me that
Chris Candido has dropped somewhere in the neighborhood
of 50 pounds in the last 6 months. That’s an incredible
loss. I wonder what his secret
is?
-The bigtime huge news of the
month is that Vince is going to start drug testing in
the WWE. About time, eh. Now all these abusers have to
do is go and follow the awesome training regimens of
guys like Batista and Chris Masters and they too can get
natural muscley physiques. Lead by example
boys!
On a similar note, Ric Flair was
said to get all angry and such and attacked another
driver recently. It was horrible. Feathers and
rhinestones were said to be everywhere. Apparently the
driver cracked wise about how Ric Flair was driving
around in just purple underwear and boots and Flair said
“Oh no you didn’t” and the guy said “Yuh huh”! Ric Flair
then climbed on top of the roof of his car and waited
patiently for the guy to pitch him off by the
asshole, but it never happened, so Ric said “fuck it”
and lit him up instead with chops and killed him.
Highway justice if you ask
me.
Anyways, Flair was arrested and
such, then a few days later Ric’s ex-wife Beth ( i heard
the marriage ended when Tully, Barry & Arn attacked
her with a tire-iron) blamed Ric’s behaviour on
“roid rage”..... but hey, I’d be mad too if I had roids.
At his age he must get them all the time. Hemorrhoids
hurt, mister! It’s like a fire in yer
asshole!
- I’m so upset that Hurricane has
forsaken his Superhero ways. Metrosexuality can in no
way stop or deter crime! What were you thinking? Is a
pair of smart slacks or mirrored sunglasses gonna stop a
bank robbery? I DON’T THINK SO! And the worst part? He
didn’t even have to get in a super-power depleting glass
case like Superman in Superman 2 to become a mortal!
What a gyp. I’m starting to suspect this super hero
image was just an act and he never even had super
powers. (and think of how many titles and belts even he
coulda won had he just tied guys up with those
giant Superman
baggies!).
- Jamal of 3 minute Warning is
coming back to WWE and Lesbians are running scared! The
last time we saw Jamal, he and Rosey were squishing
dykes with Samoan splashes and such for not liking
penises and wearing shoes! What a waste. If you’re gonna
crush a lesbo, start with the ones that wear plaid
jackets and have facial hair. ( you know, the useless
ones who serve no purpose). But stay away from K.D.
Lang, she’s a national treasure here, even if she does
look like Toby
McGuire.
-Lex Luger’s in big time trouble
again! Apparently he, Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell
were all kicked off a plane (not in midair
though...although that’d have been COOL). They were
apparently causing a ruckus, flexing, oiling
up, and pointing at biceps, and they were then
all detained in the airport for three hours and
denied access into
Oh! On a side note, let me tell
you a weird story about Lex Luger. Last year, I went to
Calgary with my friend Julius to take a shit on Ralph
Klein’s porch, but first we stopped at a country club to
play a round of golf (I like to think of myself of as a
white Arnold Palmer) and we saw a few
celebrities...including 50’s Rock N’ Roll icon Jerry Lee
Lewis AND
Lex Luger. Well, I’m a huge Jerry Lee fan so I yelled
out “How’s it going, Killer!” and Lex like turns around
and goes, “I’m good. What can I do for you?” That was
just weird.
-This just in. According to
REPUTABLE sources, at WWE New Year’s Revolution, in the
Elimination Chamber, one of the six-men involved will
walk out as WWE Champion. Take this for what it’s worth.
(nothing,
actually).
-From the “what were they thinking” file (they weren’t!), Vince, in any effort to get Chris Benoit over as a Rabid Wolverine has in fact injected the Crippler with RABIES. Apparently, the effects are already being felt as he has already bit and infected midcard hopeful Nick Nemeth… who was then taken out back of the Pepsi Arena and shot by Johnny Ace just like Laura’s dog Jack on Little House on the Prairie! Just how many talentless midcard guys have to be killed before WWE does something about this?!
-WWE has released Christy Hemme! But my question is released her from where? I think it's just cruel WWE would keep her locked up apparently, especially after her sweet playboy layout to which I still proudly thumb through the one thick page everyday.
Anyways, Christy is takin' it alls with a grain of salt and such. One person asked me about her in TNA and I said silly, we've already seen them! Didn't you buy the Playboy Magazine? Man, some people are so dumb. Anyways, I've heard through the grapevine that Christy may go to Hollywood, or even study abroad. I strongly recommend against the latter, though. I got arrested for studying a broad once. I used to put a ladder against her house and look through her bedroom window all the time and musturbate quickly. I used to make a game of it where my penis was a timebomb and my semen the blast, and let's just say if this was the Arab countries I'd be a suicide bomber! (only no one dies, unless you count dignity!). The authorities put a stop to that pretty fast, though. Too bad. I still had so much to give.
- Can you believe how fat Big Van Vader has become? Maybe they should change his name from "Van" to large sports utility vehicle? Hahahahaha. I kill myself with my own hilarity!!!11111
-In an effort to learn more about
William Regal’s partner Paul Birchill, I did a little
research: According to WWE, Paul Birchill is a SOCCER HOOLIGAN. You know Soccer,
the only other sport in
-When Samoa Joe is back on the
-Someone needs to tell John Cena
that it's not worth trying to act black. I tried it for
a whole year in hopes I’d get an enormous penis out of
the deal. No dice, though. It still looks like tootsie
pop covered in wax paper. I can still cut
a PHAT beat though, check this out,
yo:
In
In the north woods is where I
spent most of my
days
Feeling my dink, maxing, relaxing
all cool
And all shooting some wall-ball
off the side of
school
When a couple of Eskimos, they
were up to no good
Started building igloos in my
neighbourhood
I
got in one little fight and my mom went
,“Ahhh!”
And said, "you’re moving with your
Aunty and Uncle in
It goes on from there and it’s
kinda sorta awesome. For the record,
that is a completely Canadian Bacon (or Tapioca Pudding
as I’m known on stage) original.
Word bird.
-And finally, in our last edition, I broke the mega colossal news that JBL was not just a wrestling GOD but maybe just GOD himself! But first, I must say that I’m not just a JBL bandwagon jumper. I’ve been there since the beginning (but clenching my cheeks just in case). So when I die, I have no doubt I’ll be given the old Royal traeatment upstairs (not murdered by the Queen for having a secret relationship with an arab darkie!).
And with that said and such, last
June I decided to send my hero an email asking him
burning questions that haunted my immortal soul.
Here was the email in
question:
“Dear JBL
First and foremost I have to say I'm one of your biggest fans. (not literally, I'm a svelte 140 lbs.). In fact I've recently taken it upon myself to pattern my life after you. I read your book several times, almost finishing it all 3, and I'm happy to say that I now I have a mason jar filled with Canadian loonies as a result. I've also been inspired by your limo, and decided to make some slight modifications to my own vehicle... as I've fastened some moose antlers to the front of my ten speed bicycle. The only problem though is I keep tipping over and blowing out the ass on my pants and ppl take this as an invitation to spread their gayness. Not good.
Anyways, as you can prolly tell, I'm Canadian, and even though you're an American and we're better, I feel we have a great deal in common. Well, except I still live with my Mom, am dirt poor, a terrible athlete, and have very little in the way of natural charisma. Other than that though, I feel like we're pretty much identical. In fact, I have a feeling that one day you'll prolly be the president of your United States, and I have no doubts that I'll be elected Prime Minister of Canada, and from there I hope our two countries can have good relations and such. As a peace offering, I'll even give you the Nunavut territory - which is called that because Nunavut isn't worth anything! (although, those Eskimos are REAL hard workers, and you'll find that they work for a lot cheaper than Mexicans and don'y try to escape as often because the arctic ocean's a harder swim!).
Anyways, now that we're bigtime buds, I was wondering if you could answer me three questions that have been plaguing me since ...about 3:30 pm this afternoon:
1) You're always saying "it's morning again in America!" so I was wondering, are American days longer than our Canadian days and is this why you apparently hardly ever see mornings there that much?
2) I know you call your finishing move "the clothesline from Hell". So my question is this: When were you in Hell to learn this complicated maneuver? And if this is true, do devils and demons utilize this move often, 'cause I gotta say that I was always told it'd just be a lot of fire and pedophiles there, not stiff lariats! If this is the case, I think I need to clean up my act a little bit cause I don't want to end up there. The heat may be welcome (I'm from Saskatchewan) but I doubt I could take that many flying clotheslines! I better get to Church more - and stop being a rapist!
3) I remember in 2001 you said that we should turn Afghanistan into a parking lot and I agree. But then I gots to thinking... Isn't that a pretty long commute? I mean, I imagine the ferry ride alone to get your car would take upwards of two days from here, and I don't know about you, but I doubt I'd be allowed to show up that late for work. Even if it was a pretty swank parking spot. So, I guess my question is this: Do you think there's maybe a closer place filled with undesirables that we could drop the nuclear bomb on and create a parking lot? Like New Jersey maybe?
Ok then, thanks for your time, Champ, and P.S., if you ever need a new secretary of defense, I'm your man. I may not be a good fighter, but I know some really cool hiding spots!
Sincerely,
Canadian
Bacon.
"Has more money now" (about 35 Canadian
dollars) thanks to JBL and his
advice!”
Anyways, JBL could have ignored my email (even though that’d be kinda foolish), but no, he instead chose to answer it, promptly to boot. And sure it wasn’t sending his heavenly choir of angels to my door step with the good new per se, (they look kinda like the Bashams, I was disappointed), but it was still kinda awesome. Here it was:
“American mornings are actually two minutes longer. I made a wrong turn one time and ended up in Hell, very hot, but got my finishing move. I am still for the parking lot in the Middle East, we have enough parking here.
Thanks, JBL”
At this point, I knew
there was something different about this man. And then
it clicked. He wasn’t a Wrestling God, he WAS God. It
all made sense (kinda). I fell to my knees (as is
usually the case with JBL) and wept because I knew
at that moment God (or JBL) had a bigtime plan for
me!
But I had to be sure. I
emailed our owner sean
Carless, and told him my theory about JBL being
God but he laughed at me. I then began to notice
shocking similarities between the fictional God of
the Bible and JBL. And it cemented it for
me!
For one, there’s the
trials of Job. And in WWE there was JBL’s persecution
and wrestler's court trials of Blue Meanie who was
member of the JOB squad which kinda sounds like “Job”.
Coincidence? I think
so!
I brought this
startling evidence to sean and he began making
correlations himself between The Bible and JBL. But he
took it too far. You don’t even want to know
his thoughts on
Anyways, I now knows the truth, and feel compelled to share it with you like a true disciple (I wear a leather vest with no shirt and have a cool biker bandana that says "Hollywood' on it).
Anyways, now that the cat is out of the bag, I sent this email to JBL (or God). I’ll let you know when I hear back from him whether by email or buring bush ( I'm growing my pubic hair out just in case).
“Dear
JBL.
You no longer need to hide the truth! You
can finally reveal your TRUE identity to the world!
Now is the time! I now know the truth. You’re not just a
Wrestling
God, but obviously GOD himself!
And sure, it took me a while to figure out why you’d
need catch as catch can wrestling skills when you have a
fleet of avenging angels at your beck and call, but it’s
all obvious now! Satan won’t see it coming! He’s
expecting the Horesemen and such (not Tully, Flair, Ole
& Arn)
not complicated wrestling offense! I can’t wait
to see his unholy face when you school him with a quick
fireman’s carry! All Spiritual heck will break loose!
It’ll be
AWESOME.
Anyways, I wasn’t always so
positive. In fact, at Great American Bash, I had become
convinced that you were punishing us for our sins with
that match with Batista... but once you had that sweet
Bullrope match on Smackdown a few weeks later, I knew it
was just a test! A trial if you will! (Although, might I
suggest maybe leveling Batista with a plague of locusts
next time? Worked for you before! Man, those Egyptians
were prolly smarting for
days!)
Anyways, you’ll be happy to
know that your followers are gathering as we speak. I
have created the First Church of JBL of Latter Day
Main-Eventers to serve you. We’re here for you, buddy.
Just give us the high sign! (Parting large bodies (not
Viscera) has always worked in the past.) Anyways, I just
thought it’d be smart thinkin’ to contact you since this
Sunday is Armageddon and all. I don’t how adept I’ll be
handling the old flaming sword, but I’ll definitely
give’er the old College
try!
Take care,
Peace.
-CB.”
Ok, queers. Enough
knowledge for today. Your brains are prolly swimmin’
with so much bigtime information you don’t even know
wheres to start with it all. I’ll be back likely in the
New year with more wisdom and such. But first, it’s come
to my kinda awesome attention that the Fanny Awards are
comin’ up again. DON’T REPEAT THE SAME
MISTAKES YOU MADE LAST YEAR. Vote Bacon or be
damned to an eternal damnation of Hell , fire, and more
fire even! (I have an inside track to God now. I can
make it
happen).
Consider
this Bacon
Brought.
-CB.
For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!