Anyways, I'd first like to wish yous and yours a bigtime Merry Christmas. That's right I said it! What's this Kwanzaa business? Leave that silliness on the safari where it belongs, buster! This is the time of the Jesus who was born in Bethlehem Pennsylvania some 2000 years ago even though the calendar and recorded time wasn't even invented yet! Wow.

 Anyways, whether you're one of our Jewish friends who killed our saviour or just a filthy godless pagan, I'd like to share with yous some yuletide tidings and such! But get your acts together already; you’ve  already had 2000 years to get with the program!

Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me present yet another edition of….

THE BACON RÉPORT

NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW EVEN MORE STUFF

Anyways, in our last edition, I explained that there just wasn’t any reputable news out there worth believing, and even Jim Ross could no longer be trusted! So, in turn I adopted my own Ross Report-like awesomeness to fill yous heroes in on the God’s truth of professional wrestling, straight from the moose’s mouth. And who better to relay these insights than a man (ME!) who’s so respected, revered and trusted in this industry that I'm revered, trusted & respected? EXACTLY. (I once knew a guy who dropped a half eaten Eskimo pie into Mr. Hughes pork-pie hat in 1992 while it was sitting on the time keeper’s table so I think I know what I’m talking about!).

So, now that yous all know the score (BACONMAN: 8  YOUS: 0) let’s get on with the Bacon Report!

-The Kingsport Times-News in Tennessee has posted a story about former Rock 'n' Roll Express star Ricky Morton being arrested for failure to pay child support to children! He is currently being held in a Rutherford County jail and Robert Gibson is no where to be seen! Where’s that hot tag when yous really needs it!? Anyways, Ricky apparently owes child support to a ridiculous degree but he’s broke and bankrupt even and they’re holding Ricky hostage there until he pays up! He has no money left! Not even one cent from his lucrative stint with the York Foundation in 1991! Not even! Anyways, according to my sources (Me) his entire fortune went into building the time machine he and his son use to constantly travel back to 1986 to get their haircut. It’s just ridiculous!

Anyways, Ricky as we speak is sitting in his cell, and even worse he’s apparently been wearing the same pair of avocado green tights and faux white tiger boots for three months straight and it’s really starting to stink! Even worse than his match with the Headbangers in 1998 even!  Anyways, Ricky needs your help and fast. He needs money and you can help. GIVE RICKY THE MUCH NEEDED HOT TAG (he's been raped for 3 months straight while all the girls cry and no one saves him) by clicking here. Those pants are itchy and ridiculous and the sides & top of his hair are likely the same length as the back now and that’s just not right. Help Ricky Morton! Without him a R&R Express double dropkick is just one dude jumping in the air with a dropkick and that’s not very credible if you ask me!

-Matt Hardy’s ass was apparently very sore after his amazing two thousand story leg drop from the unforgiving steel cage ( he even tried apologizing, but nothing!) at Unforgiven with Edge! Lita’s ass was said to even be more sore though because Edge stopped using astroglide when they make love. It’s outrageous! Both asses were said to be in good spirits though.

-Jim Ross is said to be doing much better now that he’s had his colon surgery. The Doctor removed the problem area. He now has a semi-colon.

- WWE officials tell me they are impressed with Ashley Massaro’s attitude, vagina, and desire to learn how to wrestle terribly. One source was quoted as saying when it comes to really really bad wrestling, she’s a “natural”, end quote.

- Rumors are going around that the Jake Roberts DVD does in fact contain an 8 ball of pure rock cocaine within! The street value of the disk is said to be somewhere in the range of 12,000 dollars!  My bigtime sources have also informed me that Robert Downey junior has suddenly taken up an interest in Jake’s career! Weird!

Speaking of Roberts DVD, in it he’s quite candid and such about his drug use and mentions his personal demons. Hey! What’s so great about this guy that he gets his own personal demons? He should learn to share like the rest of us. Greedy guts.

- For the last 5 years I assumed that Nunzio’s FBI acronym on his bum meant he was moonlighting for the Federal Government , but it turns out it really means “Full Blooded Italian".  Thank God, though. I’m just glad to hear he’s got plasma to spare. A guy couldn’t last too long if he didn’t have all his blood that’s fer sure. (I'm a homophiliac so I know the dangers).

-Bret’s recent DVD release has brought the “Vince screwing Bret” debate back again. Did Vince Screw Bret? I say no. I prefer to use the term 'made love to'. “Screw” takes all the love and romance out of the sexual act and that's just not right. Vince "made love" to Bret in 1997! It was a little rough sure, and bret still can't walk right to this day, but I'm sticking to it! Literally! (don't ask. it has to do with my penis and stickniess.).

-My sources have informed me that Chris Candido has dropped somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 pounds in the last 6 months. That’s an incredible loss. I wonder what his secret is?

-The bigtime huge news of the month is that Vince is going to start drug testing in the WWE. About time, eh. Now all these abusers have to do is go and follow the awesome training regimens of guys like Batista and Chris Masters and they too can get natural muscley physiques. Lead by example boys!

On a similar note, Ric Flair was said to get all angry and such and attacked another driver recently. It was horrible. Feathers and rhinestones were said to be everywhere. Apparently the driver cracked wise about how Ric Flair was driving around in just purple underwear and boots and Flair said “Oh no you didn’t” and the guy said “Yuh huh”! Ric Flair then climbed on top of the roof of his car and waited patiently for the guy to pitch him off by the asshole, but it never happened, so Ric said “fuck it” and lit him up instead with chops and killed him. Highway justice if you ask me.

Anyways, Flair was arrested and such, then a few days later Ric’s ex-wife Beth ( i heard the marriage ended when Tully, Barry & Arn attacked her with a tire-iron) blamed Ric’s behaviour on “roid rage”..... but hey, I’d be mad too if I had roids. At his age he must get them all the time. Hemorrhoids hurt, mister! It’s like a fire in yer asshole!

- I’m so upset that Hurricane has forsaken his Superhero ways. Metrosexuality can in no way stop or deter crime! What were you thinking? Is a pair of smart slacks or mirrored sunglasses gonna stop a bank robbery? I DON’T THINK SO! And the worst part? He didn’t even have to get in a super-power depleting glass case like Superman in Superman 2 to become a mortal! What a gyp. I’m starting to suspect this super hero image was just an act and he never even had super powers. (and think of how many titles and belts even he coulda won had he just tied  guys up with those giant Superman baggies!).

- Jamal of 3 minute Warning is coming back to WWE and Lesbians are running scared! The last time we saw Jamal, he and Rosey were squishing dykes with Samoan splashes and such for not liking penises and wearing shoes! What a waste. If you’re gonna crush a lesbo, start with the ones that wear plaid jackets and have facial hair. ( you know, the useless ones who serve no purpose). But stay away from K.D. Lang, she’s a national treasure here, even if she does look like Toby McGuire.

-Lex Luger’s in big time trouble again! Apparently he, Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell were all kicked off a plane (not in midair though...although that’d have been COOL). They were apparently causing a ruckus, flexing, oiling up, and pointing at biceps, and they were then all detained in the airport for three hours and denied access into Canada, land that I love.  What I can’t understand though is why take a plane when Lex has like a swank Bus of his very own to drive around in all the time? This just doesn’t make sense!

Oh! On a side note, let me tell you a weird story about Lex Luger. Last year, I went to Calgary with my friend Julius to take a shit on Ralph Klein’s porch, but first we stopped at a country club to play a round of golf (I like to think of myself of as a white Arnold Palmer) and we saw a few celebrities...including 50’s Rock N’ Roll icon Jerry Lee Lewis  AND Lex Luger. Well, I’m a huge Jerry Lee fan so I yelled out “How’s it going, Killer!” and Lex like turns around and goes, “I’m good. What can I do for you?” That was just weird.

-This just in. According to REPUTABLE sources, at WWE New Year’s Revolution, in the Elimination Chamber, one of the six-men involved will walk out as WWE Champion. Take this for what it’s worth. (nothing, actually).

-From the “what were they thinking” file (they weren’t!), Vince, in any effort to get Chris Benoit over as a Rabid Wolverine has in fact injected the Crippler with RABIES. Apparently, the effects are already being felt as he has already bit and infected midcard hopeful Nick Nemeth… who was then taken out back of the Pepsi Arena and shot by Johnny Ace just like Laura’s dog Jack on Little House on the Prairie! Just how many talentless midcard guys have to be killed before WWE does something about this?!

-WWE has released Christy Hemme! But my question is released her from where? I think it's just cruel WWE would keep her locked up apparently, especially after her sweet playboy layout to which I still proudly thumb through the one thick page everyday.

Anyways, Christy is takin' it alls with a grain of salt and such. One person asked me about her in TNA and I said silly, we've already seen them! Didn't you buy the Playboy Magazine? Man, some people are so dumb. Anyways, I've heard through the grapevine that Christy may go to Hollywood, or even study abroad. I strongly recommend against the latter, though. I got arrested for studying a broad once. I used to put a ladder against her house and look through her bedroom window all the time and musturbate quickly. I used to make a game of it where my penis was a timebomb and my semen the blast, and let's just say if this was the Arab countries I'd be a suicide bomber! (only no one dies, unless you count dignity!). The authorities put a stop to that pretty fast, though. Too bad. I still had so much to give.

- Can you believe how fat Big Van Vader has become? Maybe they should change his name from "Van" to large sports utility vehicle? Hahahahaha. I kill myself with my own hilarity!!!11111

-In an effort to learn more about William Regal’s partner Paul Birchill, I did a little research: According to WWE, Paul Birchill is a SOCCER HOOLIGAN.  You know Soccer, the only other sport in England besides cricket, or as it’s known in America: “Baseball for homosexuals”. I didn’t know what cricket was for the longest time, but remember being upset when I found out it didn’t involve oversized grass dwelling insects. Too bad. I’d watch that. Anyways, good things look to be on the horizon for this young Brit. I don’t know where you come from Paul Birchill, but you seem like good people from where I stand ( in a tree across the street from that same girl's house - but don't tell anyone!).

-When Samoa Joe is back on the Islands, do people just call him Joe? And what do the Chinese call Chinese food in China? Food? Some mysteries sadly will never be solved or even asked.

-Someone needs to tell John Cena that it's not worth trying to act black. I tried it for a whole year in hopes I’d get an enormous penis out of the deal. No dice, though. It still looks like tootsie pop covered in wax paper. I can still cut a PHAT beat though, check this out, yo:

In Saskatchewan, born and raised

In the north woods is where I spent most of my days

Feeling my dink, maxing, relaxing all cool

And all shooting some wall-ball off the side of school

When a couple of Eskimos, they were up to no good

Started building igloos in my neighbourhood

I got in one little fight and my mom went ,“Ahhh!”

And said, "you’re moving with your Aunty and Uncle in Moose Jaw"….

It goes on from there and it’s kinda sorta awesome.  For the record, that is a completely Canadian Bacon (or Tapioca Pudding as I’m known on stage) original. Word bird.

-And finally, in our last edition, I broke the mega colossal news that JBL was not just a wrestling GOD but maybe just GOD himself! But first, I must say that I’m not just a JBL bandwagon jumper. I’ve been there since the beginning (but clenching my cheeks just in case). So when I die, I have no doubt I’ll be given the old Royal traeatment upstairs (not murdered by the Queen for having a secret relationship with an arab darkie!).

And with that said and such, last June I decided to send my hero an email asking him burning questions that haunted my immortal soul. Here was the email in question:

“Dear JBL

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
"Has more money now" (about 35 Canadian dollars) thanks to JBL and his advice!” 

Anyways, JBL could have ignored my email (even though that’d be kinda foolish), but no, he instead chose to answer it, promptly to boot. And sure it wasn’t sending his heavenly choir of angels to my door step with the good new per se, (they look kinda like the Bashams, I was disappointed), but it was still kinda awesome. Here it was: