The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
|Wednesday December 14, 2005 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
Anyways, I'd first like to wish
yous and yours a bigtime Merry Christmas. That's right I
said it! What's this Kwanzaa business? Leave that
silliness on the safari where it belongs, buster! This
is the time of the Jesus who was born in
Anyways, whether you're one of our Jewish friends who killed our saviour or just a filthy godless pagan, I'd like to share with yous some yuletide tidings and such! But get your acts together already; you’ve already had 2000 years to get with the program!
Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me present yet another edition of….
THE BACON RÉPORT
NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO KNOW EVEN MORE STUFF
Anyways, in our last edition, I explained that there just wasn’t any reputable news out there worth believing, and even Jim Ross could no longer be trusted! So, in turn I adopted my own Ross Report-like awesomeness to fill yous heroes in on the God’s truth of professional wrestling, straight from the moose’s mouth. And who better to relay these insights than a man (ME!) who’s so respected, revered and trusted in this industry that I'm revered, trusted & respected? EXACTLY. (I once knew a guy who dropped a half eaten Eskimo pie into Mr. Hughes pork-pie hat in 1992 while it was sitting on the time keeper’s table so I think I know what I’m talking about!).
So, now that yous all know the score (BACONMAN: 8 YOUS: 0) let’s get on with the Bacon Report!
-The Kingsport Times-News in
Anyways, Ricky as we speak is sitting in his cell, and even worse he’s apparently been wearing the same pair of avocado green tights and faux white tiger boots for three months straight and it’s really starting to stink! Even worse than his match with the Headbangers in 1998 even! Anyways, Ricky needs your help and fast. He needs money and you can help. GIVE RICKY THE MUCH NEEDED HOT TAG (he's been raped for 3 months straight while all the girls cry and no one saves him) by clicking here. Those pants are itchy and ridiculous and the sides & top of his hair are likely the same length as the back now and that’s just not right. Help Ricky Morton! Without him a R&R Express double dropkick is just one dude jumping in the air with a dropkick and that’s not very credible if you ask me!
-Matt Hardy’s ass was apparently very sore after his amazing two thousand story leg drop from the unforgiving steel cage ( he even tried apologizing, but nothing!) at Unforgiven with Edge! Lita’s ass was said to even be more sore though because Edge stopped using astroglide when they make love. It’s outrageous! Both asses were said to be in good spirits though.
-Jim Ross is said to be doing much better now that he’s had his colon surgery. The Doctor removed the problem area. He now has a semi-colon.
- WWE officials tell me they are impressed with Ashley Massaro’s attitude, vagina, and desire to learn how to wrestle terribly. One source was quoted as saying when it comes to really really bad wrestling, she’s a “natural”, end quote.
- Rumors are going around that the Jake Roberts DVD does in fact contain an 8 ball of pure rock cocaine within! The street value of the disk is said to be somewhere in the range of 12,000 dollars! My bigtime sources have also informed me that Robert Downey junior has suddenly taken up an interest in Jake’s career! Weird!
Speaking of Roberts DVD, in it he’s quite candid and such about his drug use and mentions his personal demons. Hey! What’s so great about this guy that he gets his own personal demons? He should learn to share like the rest of us. Greedy guts.
- For the last 5 years I assumed that Nunzio’s FBI acronym on his bum meant he was moonlighting for the Federal Government , but it turns out it really means “Full Blooded Italian". Thank God, though. I’m just glad to hear he’s got plasma to spare. A guy couldn’t last too long if he didn’t have all his blood that’s fer sure. (I'm a homophiliac so I know the dangers).
-Bret’s recent DVD release has brought the “Vince screwing Bret” debate back again. Did Vince Screw Bret? I say no. I prefer to use the term 'made love to'. “Screw” takes all the love and romance out of the sexual act and that's just not right. Vince "made love" to Bret in 1997! It was a little rough sure, and bret still can't walk right to this day, but I'm sticking to it! Literally! (don't ask. it has to do with my penis and stickniess.).
-My sources have informed me that Chris Candido has dropped somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 pounds in the last 6 months. That’s an incredible loss. I wonder what his secret is?
-The bigtime huge news of the month is that Vince is going to start drug testing in the WWE. About time, eh. Now all these abusers have to do is go and follow the awesome training regimens of guys like Batista and Chris Masters and they too can get natural muscley physiques. Lead by example boys!
On a similar note, Ric Flair was said to get all angry and such and attacked another driver recently. It was horrible. Feathers and rhinestones were said to be everywhere. Apparently the driver cracked wise about how Ric Flair was driving around in just purple underwear and boots and Flair said “Oh no you didn’t” and the guy said “Yuh huh”! Ric Flair then climbed on top of the roof of his car and waited patiently for the guy to pitch him off by the asshole, but it never happened, so Ric said “fuck it” and lit him up instead with chops and killed him. Highway justice if you ask me.
Anyways, Flair was arrested and such, then a few days later Ric’s ex-wife Beth ( i heard the marriage ended when Tully, Barry & Arn attacked her with a tire-iron) blamed Ric’s behaviour on “roid rage”..... but hey, I’d be mad too if I had roids. At his age he must get them all the time. Hemorrhoids hurt, mister! It’s like a fire in yer asshole!
- I’m so upset that Hurricane has forsaken his Superhero ways. Metrosexuality can in no way stop or deter crime! What were you thinking? Is a pair of smart slacks or mirrored sunglasses gonna stop a bank robbery? I DON’T THINK SO! And the worst part? He didn’t even have to get in a super-power depleting glass case like Superman in Superman 2 to become a mortal! What a gyp. I’m starting to suspect this super hero image was just an act and he never even had super powers. (and think of how many titles and belts even he coulda won had he just tied guys up with those giant Superman baggies!).
- Jamal of 3 minute Warning is coming back to WWE and Lesbians are running scared! The last time we saw Jamal, he and Rosey were squishing dykes with Samoan splashes and such for not liking penises and wearing shoes! What a waste. If you’re gonna crush a lesbo, start with the ones that wear plaid jackets and have facial hair. ( you know, the useless ones who serve no purpose). But stay away from K.D. Lang, she’s a national treasure here, even if she does look like Toby McGuire.
-Lex Luger’s in big time trouble
again! Apparently he, Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell
were all kicked off a plane (not in midair
though...although that’d have been COOL). They were
apparently causing a ruckus, flexing, oiling
up, and pointing at biceps, and they were then
all detained in the airport for three hours and
denied access into
Oh! On a side note, let me tell you a weird story about Lex Luger. Last year, I went to Calgary with my friend Julius to take a shit on Ralph Klein’s porch, but first we stopped at a country club to play a round of golf (I like to think of myself of as a white Arnold Palmer) and we saw a few celebrities...including 50’s Rock N’ Roll icon Jerry Lee Lewis AND Lex Luger. Well, I’m a huge Jerry Lee fan so I yelled out “How’s it going, Killer!” and Lex like turns around and goes, “I’m good. What can I do for you?” That was just weird.
-This just in. According to REPUTABLE sources, at WWE New Year’s Revolution, in the Elimination Chamber, one of the six-men involved will walk out as WWE Champion. Take this for what it’s worth. (nothing, actually).
-From the “what were they thinking” file (they weren’t!), Vince, in any effort to get Chris Benoit over as a Rabid Wolverine has in fact injected the Crippler with RABIES. Apparently, the effects are already being felt as he has already bit and infected midcard hopeful Nick Nemeth… who was then taken out back of the Pepsi Arena and shot by Johnny Ace just like Laura’s dog Jack on Little House on the Prairie! Just how many talentless midcard guys have to be killed before WWE does something about this?!
-WWE has released Christy Hemme! But my question is released her from where? I think it's just cruel WWE would keep her locked up apparently, especially after her sweet playboy layout to which I still proudly thumb through the one thick page everyday.
Anyways, Christy is takin' it alls with a grain of salt and such. One person asked me about her in TNA and I said silly, we've already seen them! Didn't you buy the Playboy Magazine? Man, some people are so dumb. Anyways, I've heard through the grapevine that Christy may go to Hollywood, or even study abroad. I strongly recommend against the latter, though. I got arrested for studying a broad once. I used to put a ladder against her house and look through her bedroom window all the time and musturbate quickly. I used to make a game of it where my penis was a timebomb and my semen the blast, and let's just say if this was the Arab countries I'd be a suicide bomber! (only no one dies, unless you count dignity!). The authorities put a stop to that pretty fast, though. Too bad. I still had so much to give.
- Can you believe how fat Big Van Vader has become? Maybe they should change his name from "Van" to large sports utility vehicle? Hahahahaha. I kill myself with my own hilarity!!!11111
-In an effort to learn more about
William Regal’s partner Paul Birchill, I did a little
research: According to WWE, Paul Birchill is a SOCCER HOOLIGAN. You know Soccer,
the only other sport in
-When Samoa Joe is back on the
-Someone needs to tell John Cena that it's not worth trying to act black. I tried it for a whole year in hopes I’d get an enormous penis out of the deal. No dice, though. It still looks like tootsie pop covered in wax paper. I can still cut a PHAT beat though, check this out, yo:
In the north woods is where I spent most of my days
Feeling my dink, maxing, relaxing all cool
And all shooting some wall-ball off the side of school
When a couple of Eskimos, they were up to no good
Started building igloos in my neighbourhood
I got in one little fight and my mom went ,“Ahhh!”
And said, "you’re moving with your
Aunty and Uncle in
It goes on from there and it’s kinda sorta awesome. For the record, that is a completely Canadian Bacon (or Tapioca Pudding as I’m known on stage) original. Word bird.
-And finally, in our last edition, I broke the mega colossal news that JBL was not just a wrestling GOD but maybe just GOD himself! But first, I must say that I’m not just a JBL bandwagon jumper. I’ve been there since the beginning (but clenching my cheeks just in case). So when I die, I have no doubt I’ll be given the old Royal traeatment upstairs (not murdered by the Queen for having a secret relationship with an arab darkie!).
And with that said and such, last June I decided to send my hero an email asking him burning questions that haunted my immortal soul. Here was the email in question:
First and foremost I have to say I'm one of your biggest fans. (not literally, I'm a svelte 140 lbs.). In fact I've recently taken it upon myself to pattern my life after you. I read your book several times, almost finishing it all 3, and I'm happy to say that I now I have a mason jar filled with Canadian loonies as a result. I've also been inspired by your limo, and decided to make some slight modifications to my own vehicle... as I've fastened some moose antlers to the front of my ten speed bicycle. The only problem though is I keep tipping over and blowing out the ass on my pants and ppl take this as an invitation to spread their gayness. Not good.
Anyways, as you can prolly tell, I'm Canadian, and even though you're an American and we're better, I feel we have a great deal in common. Well, except I still live with my Mom, am dirt poor, a terrible athlete, and have very little in the way of natural charisma. Other than that though, I feel like we're pretty much identical. In fact, I have a feeling that one day you'll prolly be the president of your United States, and I have no doubts that I'll be elected Prime Minister of Canada, and from there I hope our two countries can have good relations and such. As a peace offering, I'll even give you the Nunavut territory - which is called that because Nunavut isn't worth anything! (although, those Eskimos are REAL hard workers, and you'll find that they work for a lot cheaper than Mexicans and don'y try to escape as often because the arctic ocean's a harder swim!).
Anyways, now that we're bigtime buds, I was wondering if you could answer me three questions that have been plaguing me since ...about 3:30 pm this afternoon:
1) You're always saying "it's morning again in America!" so I was wondering, are American days longer than our Canadian days and is this why you apparently hardly ever see mornings there that much?
2) I know you call your finishing move "the clothesline from Hell". So my question is this: When were you in Hell to learn this complicated maneuver? And if this is true, do devils and demons utilize this move often, 'cause I gotta say that I was always told it'd just be a lot of fire and pedophiles there, not stiff lariats! If this is the case, I think I need to clean up my act a little bit cause I don't want to end up there. The heat may be welcome (I'm from Saskatchewan) but I doubt I could take that many flying clotheslines! I better get to Church more - and stop being a rapist!
3) I remember in 2001 you said that we should turn Afghanistan into a parking lot and I agree. But then I gots to thinking... Isn't that a pretty long commute? I mean, I imagine the ferry ride alone to get your car would take upwards of two days from here, and I don't know about you, but I doubt I'd be allowed to show up that late for work. Even if it was a pretty swank parking spot. So, I guess my question is this: Do you think there's maybe a closer place filled with undesirables that we could drop the nuclear bomb on and create a parking lot? Like New Jersey maybe?
Ok then, thanks for your time, Champ, and P.S., if you ever need a new secretary of defense, I'm your man. I may not be a good fighter, but I know some really cool hiding spots!
"Has more money now" (about 35 Canadian dollars) thanks to JBL and his advice!”
Anyways, JBL could have ignored my email (even though that’d be kinda foolish), but no, he instead chose to answer it, promptly to boot. And sure it wasn’t sending his heavenly choir of angels to my door step with the good new per se, (they look kinda like the Bashams, I was disappointed), but it was still kinda awesome. Here it was:
“American mornings are actually two minutes longer. I made a wrong turn one time and ended up in Hell, very hot, but got my finishing move. I am still for the parking lot in the Middle East, we have enough parking here.
At this point, I knew there was something different about this man. And then it clicked. He wasn’t a Wrestling God, he WAS God. It all made sense (kinda). I fell to my knees (as is usually the case with JBL) and wept because I knew at that moment God (or JBL) had a bigtime plan for me!
But I had to be sure. I emailed our owner sean Carless, and told him my theory about JBL being God but he laughed at me. I then began to notice shocking similarities between the fictional God of the Bible and JBL. And it cemented it for me!
For one, there’s the trials of Job. And in WWE there was JBL’s persecution and wrestler's court trials of Blue Meanie who was member of the JOB squad which kinda sounds like “Job”. Coincidence? I think so!
I brought this
startling evidence to sean and he began making
correlations himself between The Bible and JBL. But he
took it too far. You don’t even want to know
his thoughts on
Anyways, I now knows the truth, and feel compelled to share it with you like a true disciple (I wear a leather vest with no shirt and have a cool biker bandana that says "Hollywood' on it).
Anyways, now that the cat is out of the bag, I sent this email to JBL (or God). I’ll let you know when I hear back from him whether by email or buring bush ( I'm growing my pubic hair out just in case).
You no longer need to hide the truth! You can finally reveal your TRUE identity to the world! Now is the time! I now know the truth. You’re not just a Wrestling God, but obviously GOD himself! And sure, it took me a while to figure out why you’d need catch as catch can wrestling skills when you have a fleet of avenging angels at your beck and call, but it’s all obvious now! Satan won’t see it coming! He’s expecting the Horesemen and such (not Tully, Flair, Ole & Arn) not complicated wrestling offense! I can’t wait to see his unholy face when you school him with a quick fireman’s carry! All Spiritual heck will break loose! It’ll be AWESOME.
Anyways, I wasn’t always so positive. In fact, at Great American Bash, I had become convinced that you were punishing us for our sins with that match with Batista... but once you had that sweet Bullrope match on Smackdown a few weeks later, I knew it was just a test! A trial if you will! (Although, might I suggest maybe leveling Batista with a plague of locusts next time? Worked for you before! Man, those Egyptians were prolly smarting for days!)
Anyways, you’ll be happy to know that your followers are gathering as we speak. I have created the First Church of JBL of Latter Day Main-Eventers to serve you. We’re here for you, buddy. Just give us the high sign! (Parting large bodies (not Viscera) has always worked in the past.) Anyways, I just thought it’d be smart thinkin’ to contact you since this Sunday is Armageddon and all. I don’t how adept I’ll be handling the old flaming sword, but I’ll definitely give’er the old College try!
Ok, queers. Enough knowledge for today. Your brains are prolly swimmin’ with so much bigtime information you don’t even know wheres to start with it all. I’ll be back likely in the New year with more wisdom and such. But first, it’s come to my kinda awesome attention that the Fanny Awards are comin’ up again. DON’T REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKES YOU MADE LAST YEAR. Vote Bacon or be damned to an eternal damnation of Hell , fire, and more fire even! (I have an inside track to God now. I can make it happen).
Consider this Bacon Brought.
For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).