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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.
Monday September 19, 2005 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey there faggots, and welcome to the column by the guy more Canadian than Apple pie, me, Canadian Bacon, online wrestling demigod and good all around feller!

Anyways, I've been very disappointed with the coverage of wrestling I've been seeing lately on this here internet, and I've decided to do something about it. (I've already secretly and discreetly murdered Wade Keller and Bryan Alverez, but don't tell anybody). I means why listen to the bigtime lies online when yous can just come here to your old pal the Baconman and get the News straight from the moose's mouth?

Anyways, the biggest SINNER I've seen in the last while is actually Jim Ross of all people, who has resurrected his Ross Report, prolly with evil black voodoo magic no doubt, perpetuated by one Papa Shango AKA the Godfather. (I heard his first client only finally got off when the Ho no-showed and Godfather had to resort to poking a doll in the penis with a pin!)

That said, as far as JR  goes, I don't know about yous guys, but I don't think I care what size a ring The Big Show wears (although I heard Linda keeps him around 'cause she loves his big fingers) and would much rather hear the REAL news from a REAL wrestling insider full of  REAL scoops - some of which are filled with raisins which are equal parts DELICIOUS and great for yer asshole.

I means, if wearing a big silly cowboy hat and being morbidly obese means you're a wrestling somebody, then everyone in my hometown of Moosewater should be on the WWE payroll - and then hunting minorities 'cause its boring here and there's a lot of sexual frustration. So, if a guy who’s really never done as much as I have for the business ( I was responsible for collecting all the ass towels in the locker room and gettin' them ready for Sunday laundry back in the old Stampede) can have a forum to deliver all the Inside newz, than surely I can, too? After all, with all my millions and hundreds even of CONNECTIONS, who would you believe more, me, or J.R.? (I once knew a guy who competed against Italian Stallion Gary Sabaugh in an all you can eat Spaghetti contest in 1992 in North Carolina, so I think I know what I'm talking about.). I mean, with all my advanced qualifyafications , I surely could pen a credible Ross-style column with the ease and such, right??????

So, with all that in mind, I present the first of many editions of.....

THE BACON RÉPORT

News for people who wants to know stuff.

- One billion dollar Tough Enough winner Daniel Puder has apparently been released (they didn't say from where) and will now have to  prolly find a new career where you have to make out with the elderly and take unwanted shots in the mouth from guys with white hair every night. (A relationship with Hugh Hefner maybe?).

There was some bigtime talk of him perhaps, maybe, kinda reentering the MMA world (a distant planet, not seen without a special telescope) but I just don't see it (his chance; not the planet -which is glorious.). I means, who'd pay money to see an arrogant tanned guy from California with buzzed platinum hair fight? I mean, really!!11 RIDICACOULOUS!!!!

However, on the bright side, I hear he has a secret career to fall back on -  that's right, according my sources, the Mayans, who've always been pretty reliable, he is a licensed LOCKSMITH and will likely fall back on that. I mean, no one would call their only hold on earth a KEYLOCK if they didn't have great knowledge of the lost art of locksmithery, right? I mean, I bet Puder could prolly even get into that steel cage at No Way Out (They got out! Lies!) covered in razor sharp barbwire like NOTHING with it! You remember, the one they said lived on men? (I think Pat Patterson musta designed it!).

So, good luck Daniel Puder in whatever path you take, but be careful, because sometimes they lead to secret homosexual rest stops. (good thing he knows how to put on armlocks when somebody's not ready!).

-Turns out Matt Hardy really will not die! (but don't rule out suicide, just in case!). Apparently, according to my bigtime sources, Matt has found the secret to ever lasting life and I for one applaud him! From what I understand, Matt Hardy was actually born in Scotland somewhere in the Fifteenth century and can only be bested if someone can behead him with a broadsword! (I heard Johnny Ace  volunteered!).

 However, Immortality unfortunately does have its price. Even though he cannot die, or diet, that apparently doesn’t keep Matt’s dink from stinging when he pees thanks to that dirty, dirty, Lita! GONORRHEA FOR  ALL THE AGES!!! You’d think livin’ through the plague and other fictional movie diseases over the last 600 years would teach Matt to be more careful but I guess not!  Damn that Lita and Edge with his money in the Bank! (I keep mine under my bunk bed mattress but don't tell anyone).

- According to JR, the ranks of the college football world are dotted with wrestling heritage or something! James Laurinaitis, the son of Road Warrior Animal and Rocco, is playing linebacker (#33) for Ohio State! Wow. However, I heard through the grapevine (moving the grapes made it a lot easier to hear) that he was recently cut though because he wore his dad's shoulder pads and murdered a bunch of people at practice. Not good.

-And speaking off the football, JBL just got named to the All-100-Year football team at Abilene Christian University as an offensive tackle! Yes, an offensive tackle! Apparently he won't stop telling jokes about "The Blacks and The Jews" and ppl keep getting offended! It's true. Someone even yelled "Just tackle me already and cut out the racist jokes...even if they are hilarious and true!" 

That said,  I don't really understand the concept of this team. 100 year team? Isn't that a little old to be playin the football? (even though, at that age, my grandfather has to pass his balls from behind to my grandma like that, just to take a piss, or rape me!). Have you ever seen a guy over 75? They can’t even wipe their bums without breaking something! Man, that game will suck.

-Speaking of JBL, I was surprised to find out from his promos that he is actually GOD. But even more surprised that no one really got excited about our Heavenly creator apparently coming to Earth in actual man-form! (maybe the boobs confused them?).  Unfortunately though, I fear that God, or JBL as he calls himself now, is not here for good news. I've heard through my  spiritual sources (St. Peter for one, whose house is visible from Saskatchewan cause heaven is north is Canada is north) that JBL may have returned to once again DESTROY THE EARTH AND SUCH. I mean, if you saw his match with Batista at Great American Bash ( i'm so inside, I remember back when it was just Good!), you’d know the apocalypse was at hand! I mean, why would God subject us to these horrors unless we were being punished? I was wishing for a flood but mostly because I shat myself and a convenient river would disguise my shame! 

My only complaint was that he didn't smite Batista for the title by turning him into a pillar of salt. (which he'd then use to season a full meal, no doubt). Oh well. Maybe next time.

-I’ve recently learned from reputable sources (me) that Kerwin White is REALLY a Mexican and not white at all. Now, at this point this is just a RUMOUR. ( i suggest checking to see if his Beemer has hydraulics and his pets have candy inside them!). I'll get back to you when I know more but not really!

-Why does Samoa Joe call himself that if he’s really from Los Angeles? I think that Samoa Joe (or Joe as he's known at home) is a big fat liar! There’s really only one way to clear up the debate on his TRUE ethnicity once and for all, though!  Quick, somebody headbutt him and see what happens!

-WWE.com told me Monday night that Heidenreich's family literally lost everything they had as a result of Hurricane Katrina when it hit his New Orleans home. Apparently some 200 pairs of his tiny red underwear were LOST AT SEA, and now he’s been forced to wear pants, ALL THE TIME. It's tragedies like this that make me glad I'm not submerged at the bottom of the Ocean and alive w/ all my possessions!

-I understand after five years on spike (whoever he is), WWE is finally coming back to USA. Man, I had no idea that they was exiled from their own country like that! Although, I always suspected that Vince was secretly a pinko commie with all his “anything can happen in the WWF” stuff and "people's champions" and what not. HE's PUSHING A COMMUNIST AGENDA.  I means, how else do you explain NIKOLAI VOLKOFF getting inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year despite all the harm he did to America? (his tag team with Boris Zhukov mostly).  But never fear! I heard his son-in-law, HHH, is looking to bring capitalism (three big H's for one) back to WWE and shatter Vince's communist regime. That's right. The workers will be held down again! All of them. For three seconds! Forever! YAY!111

-In WWE trademark news, in lieu of WWE taking away his name and dignity, Billy Kidman was going to change his name to “Guy who sexes up Torrie Wilson whenever he darn well pleases just because” but it apparently wouldn’t all fit on his snazzy new boxed trunks! He ended up going with Willy Manchild as a result and even TNa has  told him, "what a stupid name!". (True Story).

-SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!- I have just learned that tonight at Unforgiven , there’s a pretty damn good chance that either Kurt Angle or John Cena will leave Oklahoma as WWE champion. Take that for what it's worth! (A lot!)

-WWE is thinking of bringing in admitted steroid user Jose Conseco at Wrestlemania 22. I’d personally advise against it and such, because last thing clean body builders like Batista and HHH need is to take the easy way out and be tempted by steroids and give up on their natural bodybuilding techniques just because of Conseco's terrible influence! Stay on course boys!

-Brock Lesnar has apparently settled his legal mumbo jumbo with the WWE and is now free to fly his plane to Japan anytime he wants! Apparently the fact that he dates Sable garnered him sympathy from the jury, or so my sources tell me and such.

However BE CAREFUL, BROCK. If World War 2 has taught us anything, (besides it had something to with jews and attacking Hulk Hogan from behind) it’s that those Japanese aren’t above welding you into your plane.  It's true!!!111 And Man, those Kamikaze pilots; what a job! the stories they must tell!

-THIS JUST IN. My insiders in the music Industry (I once knew a guy who covered Flock of Seagulls tunes in 1985) tell me that the estate of Ray Charles is currently suing John Cena over his album, “You Can’t See Me”. Apparently the Late (but let’s face it, he’s never coming) Ray Charles, shortly before the death, was about to release an album titled “I Can’t See Shit” and Cena’s album might cause the bigtime confusion in the marketplace even though he'd have no idea because he's blind...and dead! (I wonder if he even knew he was dead? I mean, everything is already dark! How'd he know for sure?).

 More on this TRUE STORY as it develops but prolly not!

-And finally, the WWE is about ready to release a DVD on The Ultimate Warrior called the “Self Destruction of The Ultimate Warrior”. But there’s more!!!!! From what my bigtime sources tells me, apparently when Vince says Warrior self destructs HE’S NOT KIDDING! From what I’ve heard, Vince actually implanted a tiny bomb into Warrior when they were sharing a syringe in 1988, and at the 65 minute mark on Disc three, Vince pushes the button and WARRIOR EXPLODES RIGHT ON CAMERA AND DIES IN DEATH!  Wow. A rumor like that HAS GOT TO BE TRUE.  I mean, people said FOR YEARS that Warrior couldn’t finish a match without completely blowing up, so what more proof do you need?

Ok, faggots that’s it. And how INFORMED WITH INFORMATION do you feel now? Your heads is prolly just swimmin’ with the BIGTIME WRESTLING  KNOWLEDGE now, right? If only now I could help you with your  general unpleasantness and ugliness. If only.

bacon.jpgAnyways, in my next column, I’ll share the email I recently got from JBL where I think he seduced me, and then I will answer your wrestling questions maybe! (feel free to ask The Baconman ANYTHING here and I'll answer them when I want!).

Consider this Bacon brought.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).